My fellow Marauders,
Bet you didn't expect one of these from me, now did you? Especially since.well, you know. Oh, don't look so surprised. You knew I'd be the one to pull something like this. Always have to get the last word in, you know. Heh.last word.. Seems kind of pointless now. Then again, it probably always was. I was just too much of a git to care I guess. Who knows. I don't, never really did. I know, Amazing for me to say something like that. But not really. Most of it was just talk back then. Just my mindless babbling that somehow always came out like fact. Like I had swallowed on of those old textbooks or something. But I doubt any of it could have held water. That was just my thing. Moony was the most sophisticated, Padfoot was the most scholarly, Wormtail was the most loyal, and that left me as the most talkative. Came in handy when we were caught in precarious situations. All the professor had to do was ask a question and I'd smooth it out with my crafty persuasion. Or it could have been the very simple fact of letting us off was less painful that listening to any more of my explanation.
Hell, It was probably my mouth that finally got me offed too.
Truth of it was that I never really knew what to say so I would say what ever sounded like thee right thing. For the most part it worked just fine, but when it backfired, it would blow everything up. You think I would have learned too. But I was stubborn. Another thing that you fellows knew all too well. Knew, but didn't really let it get to you until it became just too much. Which happened. And even when you were at your wit's end and were ready to strangle me in my sleep, you would just sit my down and calmly point it out.
It always amazed me how you could do that,. Just put aside your feelings and just talk. Perhaps that's what really got to me. Not necessarily the words, but the way you said them and how you looked. Your tone cold and strict. And the way your eyes would get quite distant but still very sharp. That's what always got me. That look. I couldn't look at your face when you all had that look. It stung just knowing that you had it. Stung enough to make me want to cry. Which is something I couldn't do in front of you three. Not for something as simple as a talk. Or a look. Tears were for disasters, good-byes, deaths. But the tears would still find their way. As soon as I was alone, in the dark, in the silence, the tears would come. First the stinging ones. Large droplets filled with my own acidic thoughts and self punishments. Then hot rage filled tears cursing the fact that no one said anything sooner, or self hatred for allowing it. Or perhaps anger for the fact that, try as I may, I'll never be perfect, or have the right answer. And finally would come the tears I hated the most, those cold tears. Icy tears of solitude. Fearing that I had done it, driven you all to your breaking point and that you wouldn't speak to me again. And then that awful instant when I would try to believe that perhaps things would be better that way.
I know, it sounds silly, especially now that I'm not around any more. It probably is for the best though. Me not being around. I could barely love with my reputation at Hogwarts. I probably couldn't have survived much longer anyway with the things that people were saying about me an Lily going against Voldemort. All those high expectations they had. It's amazing how I get myself into scrapes like that. Letting people raise that platform higher and higher and then taking a blind leap to surpass expectations. Kind of like what happened with me and Lily turning into an 'us'.
Oh, don't get me wrong, I was crazy for her. Who wouldn't be? That silken red hair that always smelled so light and sweet. And her eyes. Purer than emeralds and twice as dazzling. She was perfect alright. Perfect looks, perfect smile, perfect student, perfect Head Girl.
The rumor of us going together came months before our first date. Did you know that? It was the rumor that gave me the courage to ask her. The rumors continued and so did we, always one step right behind, following the path that they laid out, because it seemed only natural. And then I decided to leap to that next plat form, to set the path myself instead of rumors and I asked her to marry me. The engagement was wonderful, the wedding was wonderful.well, you remember, you all were there.
But things didn't stay wonderful. There were fights, lots of them. Fights that she always won because I would roll over and play dead just to avoid the yelling. To avoid saying something that I would regret.
Most would have called me a whipped man. A few actually did. But I didn't care. As long as she stayed, I didn't care. I didn't care, as long as I wasn't alone. And so finally I learned to keep quiet at all costs. After a year or so, Lily told me she was pregnant. She was so happy. Her smile was wider than I had seen it in years, even brighter than on her wedding day, or when I proposed. She just seemed to shine with delight as she told me. She was so beautiful and so happy, how could I tell her that I wasn't ready to be a father? So again, I kept my silence and swallowed my thoughts with a convincing smile.
By the time she was really beginning to show I had warmed up to the idea of having a little one around. I was actually looking forward to it. And when the little tyke came, and I saw him for the first time, I was sold. Those same green eyes that had ensnared me at that sorting ceremony all those years ago had caught me again as they stared up at me from their new owner, my son, Harry.
Times were happier when he came along. Though the world around us was growing dark and dangerous, I didn't feel it. Nothing could make me anything other than happy with our son's smiling face starting at me. Lily went back to work as soon as she had her strength back and the doctors gave their go ahead. I stayed home with Harry. And I began to speak again, speak how I thought and felt, without having to process it a thousand time to make sure it was safe to say. And he loved it. He didn't mind what I said, he didn't care. I doubt he even understood me. But that didn't matter. Nothing mattered except that my mouth was moving and sound was coming out. I think that's what fascinated him really. And that's the only reason he smiled and cooed, because he was fascinated.
He's doing it right now actually. As I'm sitting here writing. I sometimes speak while I read or write. It help me remember what I'm trying to say. And he thinks it's the funniest thing in the world. That and throwing spaghetti on the walls ad dinner time. But that's just him. Crazy, just like his old man. It's a shame I won't get to see if he does turn out like me.
Yes, my friends, I know the end is near for me. Why do you think I am writing to you instead of talking to you? And don't get all sappy on me. It's not all that bad. I'm finally getting around to things I have been putting off for far too long (like this letter). I won't have to worry about wrinkles, or gray hairs, or arthritis. I won't have to worry about getting sick. No more work, No more bills. Like I said, It's not all that bad. But I'm still afraid of it. So very afraid of it. Not of me dying, but of what will happen after. What would happen to Lily. To our son.
Here they come again, the tears. Those cold lonely tears. Thank Merlin Lily took Harry for a stroll in the park to catch the last hour of daylight. He'd hate this silence. He always did. I don't blame him. Silence lets you be alone with your thoughts. A very dangerous thing to be alone with.
I wish you fellows were here. I have so much to say to you three before the end. No.no. I've done enough talking. Listening.I have so much to hear. Listening is what I should have been doing for all those years. Speaking with my heart and eyes, not my voice and tongue.
But it's too late for that now. The sun is starting to set and the air has gotten colder and there are some dark clouds on the horizon. They have a strange green tint to them. Very strange.. Lily and the baby are back. Harry's crying. Yes. Yes, the end isn't too far off now. Sirius, keep your promise as his god father. Watch out for him if Lily and I can't. Remus, Help him. Peter, take care of yourself and keep the other two out of trouble any way you can.
I said before that tears are only for disasters, good-byes and death. I fear that this is a time when they will flow the most because this is all three.
I will never forget my marauders, and in the still silence, listen closely. Don't fear it, you won't be alone with your thoughts, those fearful black thoughts. I will be with you, whispering gently in your ear all the right things to say. Even if it is nothing at all. You'll never be lonesome, I will be in your hearts. Always.
I solemnly swear,
James Potter
Bet you didn't expect one of these from me, now did you? Especially since.well, you know. Oh, don't look so surprised. You knew I'd be the one to pull something like this. Always have to get the last word in, you know. Heh.last word.. Seems kind of pointless now. Then again, it probably always was. I was just too much of a git to care I guess. Who knows. I don't, never really did. I know, Amazing for me to say something like that. But not really. Most of it was just talk back then. Just my mindless babbling that somehow always came out like fact. Like I had swallowed on of those old textbooks or something. But I doubt any of it could have held water. That was just my thing. Moony was the most sophisticated, Padfoot was the most scholarly, Wormtail was the most loyal, and that left me as the most talkative. Came in handy when we were caught in precarious situations. All the professor had to do was ask a question and I'd smooth it out with my crafty persuasion. Or it could have been the very simple fact of letting us off was less painful that listening to any more of my explanation.
Hell, It was probably my mouth that finally got me offed too.
Truth of it was that I never really knew what to say so I would say what ever sounded like thee right thing. For the most part it worked just fine, but when it backfired, it would blow everything up. You think I would have learned too. But I was stubborn. Another thing that you fellows knew all too well. Knew, but didn't really let it get to you until it became just too much. Which happened. And even when you were at your wit's end and were ready to strangle me in my sleep, you would just sit my down and calmly point it out.
It always amazed me how you could do that,. Just put aside your feelings and just talk. Perhaps that's what really got to me. Not necessarily the words, but the way you said them and how you looked. Your tone cold and strict. And the way your eyes would get quite distant but still very sharp. That's what always got me. That look. I couldn't look at your face when you all had that look. It stung just knowing that you had it. Stung enough to make me want to cry. Which is something I couldn't do in front of you three. Not for something as simple as a talk. Or a look. Tears were for disasters, good-byes, deaths. But the tears would still find their way. As soon as I was alone, in the dark, in the silence, the tears would come. First the stinging ones. Large droplets filled with my own acidic thoughts and self punishments. Then hot rage filled tears cursing the fact that no one said anything sooner, or self hatred for allowing it. Or perhaps anger for the fact that, try as I may, I'll never be perfect, or have the right answer. And finally would come the tears I hated the most, those cold tears. Icy tears of solitude. Fearing that I had done it, driven you all to your breaking point and that you wouldn't speak to me again. And then that awful instant when I would try to believe that perhaps things would be better that way.
I know, it sounds silly, especially now that I'm not around any more. It probably is for the best though. Me not being around. I could barely love with my reputation at Hogwarts. I probably couldn't have survived much longer anyway with the things that people were saying about me an Lily going against Voldemort. All those high expectations they had. It's amazing how I get myself into scrapes like that. Letting people raise that platform higher and higher and then taking a blind leap to surpass expectations. Kind of like what happened with me and Lily turning into an 'us'.
Oh, don't get me wrong, I was crazy for her. Who wouldn't be? That silken red hair that always smelled so light and sweet. And her eyes. Purer than emeralds and twice as dazzling. She was perfect alright. Perfect looks, perfect smile, perfect student, perfect Head Girl.
The rumor of us going together came months before our first date. Did you know that? It was the rumor that gave me the courage to ask her. The rumors continued and so did we, always one step right behind, following the path that they laid out, because it seemed only natural. And then I decided to leap to that next plat form, to set the path myself instead of rumors and I asked her to marry me. The engagement was wonderful, the wedding was wonderful.well, you remember, you all were there.
But things didn't stay wonderful. There were fights, lots of them. Fights that she always won because I would roll over and play dead just to avoid the yelling. To avoid saying something that I would regret.
Most would have called me a whipped man. A few actually did. But I didn't care. As long as she stayed, I didn't care. I didn't care, as long as I wasn't alone. And so finally I learned to keep quiet at all costs. After a year or so, Lily told me she was pregnant. She was so happy. Her smile was wider than I had seen it in years, even brighter than on her wedding day, or when I proposed. She just seemed to shine with delight as she told me. She was so beautiful and so happy, how could I tell her that I wasn't ready to be a father? So again, I kept my silence and swallowed my thoughts with a convincing smile.
By the time she was really beginning to show I had warmed up to the idea of having a little one around. I was actually looking forward to it. And when the little tyke came, and I saw him for the first time, I was sold. Those same green eyes that had ensnared me at that sorting ceremony all those years ago had caught me again as they stared up at me from their new owner, my son, Harry.
Times were happier when he came along. Though the world around us was growing dark and dangerous, I didn't feel it. Nothing could make me anything other than happy with our son's smiling face starting at me. Lily went back to work as soon as she had her strength back and the doctors gave their go ahead. I stayed home with Harry. And I began to speak again, speak how I thought and felt, without having to process it a thousand time to make sure it was safe to say. And he loved it. He didn't mind what I said, he didn't care. I doubt he even understood me. But that didn't matter. Nothing mattered except that my mouth was moving and sound was coming out. I think that's what fascinated him really. And that's the only reason he smiled and cooed, because he was fascinated.
He's doing it right now actually. As I'm sitting here writing. I sometimes speak while I read or write. It help me remember what I'm trying to say. And he thinks it's the funniest thing in the world. That and throwing spaghetti on the walls ad dinner time. But that's just him. Crazy, just like his old man. It's a shame I won't get to see if he does turn out like me.
Yes, my friends, I know the end is near for me. Why do you think I am writing to you instead of talking to you? And don't get all sappy on me. It's not all that bad. I'm finally getting around to things I have been putting off for far too long (like this letter). I won't have to worry about wrinkles, or gray hairs, or arthritis. I won't have to worry about getting sick. No more work, No more bills. Like I said, It's not all that bad. But I'm still afraid of it. So very afraid of it. Not of me dying, but of what will happen after. What would happen to Lily. To our son.
Here they come again, the tears. Those cold lonely tears. Thank Merlin Lily took Harry for a stroll in the park to catch the last hour of daylight. He'd hate this silence. He always did. I don't blame him. Silence lets you be alone with your thoughts. A very dangerous thing to be alone with.
I wish you fellows were here. I have so much to say to you three before the end. No.no. I've done enough talking. Listening.I have so much to hear. Listening is what I should have been doing for all those years. Speaking with my heart and eyes, not my voice and tongue.
But it's too late for that now. The sun is starting to set and the air has gotten colder and there are some dark clouds on the horizon. They have a strange green tint to them. Very strange.. Lily and the baby are back. Harry's crying. Yes. Yes, the end isn't too far off now. Sirius, keep your promise as his god father. Watch out for him if Lily and I can't. Remus, Help him. Peter, take care of yourself and keep the other two out of trouble any way you can.
I said before that tears are only for disasters, good-byes and death. I fear that this is a time when they will flow the most because this is all three.
I will never forget my marauders, and in the still silence, listen closely. Don't fear it, you won't be alone with your thoughts, those fearful black thoughts. I will be with you, whispering gently in your ear all the right things to say. Even if it is nothing at all. You'll never be lonesome, I will be in your hearts. Always.
I solemnly swear,
James Potter