i would like to say the i think the ending is evil. evil evil evil. i hate it but for the time being, its gonna have to stay. ::pouts::
its funny.
its funny how some people never love at all.
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it was three am when i heard a knock at the door. it was raining outside; all grey and foggy, it was hard to see anything. my mind, just as grey and foggy, drifted in and out of understanding and quickly dismissed the knock.
it was three ten when i heard the next knock. it was pouring outside;orange and grey, it was hard to get up. my dreams wrapped me in a smooth warm blanket and tried to lull me to sleep except they couldnt. the tiny wail of a young, beautiful boy was pulling me back into my waking life. so i got up, all tired and groggy, to see a very broken brian sobbing on my front porch. his limbs, weak and tired, tried in vain to reach me. brian collapsed on his knees in front of me, sobbing into my stomach.
"curt?" his smooth english voice invaded my mind and body and soul, eroding my senses until they were empty. he left me nothing at all and he left me everything. i decided i wanted the latter.
"yes brian?"
"im sorry" i am too. "im sorry sorry sorry"" he repeated it over and over. it became his mantra. it became mine. and we repeated this for sometime, he, aloud, and i in silence and i could not help but to wonder what had happened.
his hair was slick with rain water. he smelt of tomorrow and yesterday. his body was past and present and yet somehow never grasping future. still sobbing, maybe even sobbing harder now, his ragged voice said to me, "its funny how beautiful people look when theyre walking out the door. she left me you know. im sorry. so sorry. she was really beautiful. she was really really beautiful. she was like a goddess. wonderful and wonderful and wonderful. she was a faerie. im so sorry. i couldnt keep her. so she left." and with that he sunk to the floor. sitting on his akwardly bent legs, i saw him reach in to his back pocket. he pulled out a picture of a beautiful young woman. he watched it fondly for a few seconds then quickly let it fall to the floor. i watched silently as he, almost similtaneously, withdrew a small gun. as the picture fluttered to the ground, like some butterfly faerie, brian shoved the gun under his chin.
at this my eyes snapped opened. "no." i grabbed his wrist firmly and pulled him to me. taking his soft face in my hands i whispered into his ear, "no." slamming his eyes shut, his dropped the gun whispering 'mother' over and over.
we fell to the floor together our soft thud causing him to sob even harder. slowly, gently, i rocked us back and forth.
Mother, Mother.
mother the car is here. somebody leave the light on.
first my left foot then my right behind the other.
they passed through my head over and over again and yet i had no idea as to what they were.
brian flipped around slowly in my arms.
"thank you." he smiled despite the tears that ran down his face. he looked so beautiful like that. completely innoncent and raw. then he kissed me.
his kiss was hard and passionate. completely open and honest. desperate clingy needy clingy kiss. brian's hands grasped my own, moving them to his body. i held on to his waist, moving both of us up the wall. pushing his head back i whispered into his ear.
"i love you." my hand slithered down his soaking wet pants. he nodded. his cheek against mine, slick with water and sweat and tears and passion and desire and.
sadness.
he nodded
"i love you."
i nodded. and it just hung in the air out there, for quite sometime, it just hung. silent and heavy, it presence caressed our bodies relaxing us.
one.
the button.
two.
the zipper.
three.
my hand slide down to touch him, to feel him. as i did he let out a small moan. i stroked him slowly for awhile, speaking gently to him. random words of random nonsense. words of nothing at all, really. we stood there against the wall forehead to forehead and i looked him directly in the eyes, speeding my pace as i began to speak.
"you know," i said softly "one day we'll be gone, together maybe, alone maybe, it won't matter. nothing will. and then that will be all that does." he look at me curiously, vaguely smiling. his tears, now silent, still flowed freely down his cheeks. "this will be gone. and then one day, one day the whole fucking world will be ours..." he came then; silently into my hand. his body went limp then fell against mine.
i gently lifted him up and carried him to the couch. i removed his wet clothing and hung it in the bathroom to dry. returning with blankets i could already see the brian was sleeping. i stroked his face once, twice, and one last time before putting the blankets on him and laying down to rest.
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in the moring, brian would wake up.
brian would uncurl himself from curt's protection.
brian would pick up his clothes and with out one glance back, brian would leave.
but brian didn't. he sleep through the afternoon with curt. waking up with him, enjoying him. brian didn't leave. and although brian wanted the world, he found in himself content.
--end--