Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. I don't own Shinji, Kaworu or the Evangelion world, no matter how much I wish I did.
Timeline: After ep 24
Rating: G
Pairings: Ikari ShinjixNagisa Kaworu (Tabris)
Summary: After he had to kill Kaworu Shinji writes him a letter, his obituary.
Warnings: Angst, mentioned character death, suicidal thoughts, sad
Author's note: It's my first Evangelion fic, please forgive me if it's OOC. Also I'm native German and my English is still lacking.
Obituary
By Artemis
Kowaru-chan,
now I finally decided on writing you this letter as my own obituary just to find out I don't know what to write down. I'm sure you'd laugh. There is so much I want to say you and I don't know where to start.
I love you, Tabris.
For me it is of no importance whether you are Tabris, the 17th angel or the fifth Child Nagisa Kowaru, it's all the same for me.
I'm so sorry that I killed you. It's the worst mistake I ever made. I wish I could make up for my mistake, but there is no way for me to do so. I have researched if I could resusciate your body. When the others realized how much I suffered from your death they helped me as good as they could. But we haven't found anything and I'm at the end of my rope. We aren't going to give up yet, of course, but we just have run out of things to go by.
Does it matters to you at the place where you are now, wherever that is, that everyone here has forgiven you? Does it matters that I have forgiven you? We all know that you had no choice, no matter how much you liked us you couldn't betray your own people, you couldn't betray your friends and family. Do angels have family and friends? I don't know and it doesn't matters because you'll always be my friend. You know, I never really blamed you for what you had to do. I love you too much to be furious with you.
I love you so much, Kowaru, and I'll never have an opportunity to tell you. Do you have any idea how much it hurt me to kill you? I never wanted to. I only wanted us to be happy, I only wanted us to be together. But just like you couldn't turn your back on the angels I couldn't turn my back on mankind. I didn't wanted to do it, before I'd thought that I would never be capable of killing you. Sadly, though, when I was forced to make the decision it turned out that my ties to my duty were even stronger than my ties to you. I realize that you'd probably tell me now that I had no choice, all my friends say that, but why do I feel then like I betrayed you?
Why were we begrudged our happiness? Since I had to kill you there was no day I didn't asked myself that question. And so far I haven't found an answer. I don't think I will ever.
Will I see you again? We know so little about angels, my only hope is that we can be together sometime in the future. United forever in death.
Death was your only solace.
It is also my only solace.
In Love,
Shinji