Cold.
Momiji shivered, holding her arms close around her body. She was cold, so very, very cold. She didn't understand how she could be this cold when it was as hot as blazing hell outside, but she was. She had all the windows open and the heat running, plus she was wrapped in a blanket and drinking her-she counted mentally-sixth cup of hot tea. She should have rivers of sweat coming from every pore of her body, but instead her skin was pinched and almost blue with cold. She was rapidly spiraling downward into severe hypothermia, and she couldn't do anything about it.
If she only knew what was causing this, then maybe she'd be able to do something about it. But she had no idea, was totally clueless.
She sighed and slumped back into her overstuffed couch. No, she shouldn't lie to herself. She knew that her near-freezing condition was only a pale reflection of the chill that had taken over her very soul.
Kusanagi had left her the night before. She winced inwardly, replaying the scene of her very messy breakup with him in her barely-functioning mind. Apparently the cold had fried her brain cells, too.
He looked guilty when he entered her room as he always did, through her window. She knew immediately that something was wrong, but she didn't yet comprehended the true nature of the catastrophe that was about to befall her.
"Hey Kusanagi!" she chirped cheerfully, trying to drive away his unwanted sense of gloom with a little extra cheerfulness on her part. Not normally difficult for her, but the look on his face had changed a lot of things from their normal course inside Momiji.
He just shrugged. "Hey yourself, Princess." It was his standard answer, but not spoken with his usual smart-ass flair. His tone was heavy, resigned. Her heart gave a little flip. What was going on here?
She tried to shrug off the ominous feeling in her stomach. "Just give me a second to get my jacket and we can go." She wasn't dressed up; they were only going to the park to hang out. But it was close to dusk and though the days were beyond broiling, the nights could get a little nippy.
He caught her elbow as she whirled away towards the hall closet. Startled, she stumbled and almost fell, but his big, strong hand on her elbow steadied her and enabled her to regain her balance. Shaken, she looked up into his well-beloved face-now closed completely to her, showing no emotion. Her heart flip-flopped again.
"What is it, Kusanagi?"
The muscles in his jaw tightened and his throat worked in a convulsive swallow before he was able to answer. "I can't go to the park with you this evening."
Was that all? She sorted through her schedule in her mind and found it to be relatively empty. "Oh, that's no problem. We can go tomorrow."
"We can't go tomorrow, either. I'm leaving."
She frowned. "What's the matter? Why are you going out of town? Did something come up at TAC Headquarters? If Kunikida is withholding information from me again, I swear I'll skin him alive, and I don't care if he's my elder."
"He's bigger than you, too," Kusanagi retorted, and then he looked as if he regretted falling into the old pattern of bantering that they had always had together. That scared her, because though Kusanagi wasn't always comfortable with romance, he had always loved to tease her.
"Then why are you going out of town?" she asked, fearing the answer. What if someone was hurt and they just hadn't gotten to calling to her in the midst of the furor?
He must have seen the worry on her face, because he immediately said, "Don't worry. Everyone's fine."
He didn't elaborate, so she prompted him. "Then why are you going out of town?"
He blew out a frustrated breath and turned to lean his forehead into his fist, propped up on the doorframe. "I'm not just going out of town, Momiji. I'm leaving. Permanently."
"What?" she gasped. She had known that something was going on, but she had never believed something this bad. "You can't leave!"
"I can and am," he shot back, his tone iron-hard and inflexible. When she continued to just stare at the broad expanse of rough red cloth that covered his back, he turned to gauge the expression on her face.
What he saw must not have made him to happy, because he clenched his jaw and said, "Don't look at me like that. We were just casually dating, nothing more serious."
She blinked, unable to comprehend the magnitude of what he was saying. What's more, she couldn't believe it. He saw what they had together as just a casual dating relationship? How could he, when it had always been so much more? She had loved him, dammit, and what's more, he had known it and returned her affections. He'd never told her out loud, but she'd known it just the same.
Then a horrible, evil little suspicion wriggled its way into a chink in her bright armor of conviction. She had noticed that he'd been withdrawing recently, dodging her kisses or hugs, or keeping his hands in his pockets so that she could never just casually hold his hand as she had always done before. They went out on dates just as they always had, but he didn't join as wholeheartedly into their mutual teasing as he had before. Little things, but telling ones.
Why hadn't she seen it before? How could she have been so foolish as to not realize that he wasn't acting the same? Was she that ditzy, that oblivious to the world around her?
No, she wasn't, she realized. She had seen him pulling back, from their relationship, from her, but she had ignored it, shoved it into a dark corner of her mind where she couldn't hear the whispered warning. She didn't want to believe that Kusanagi, her protector, her white knight, one that had always been there, could possibly leave her. Because even the thought hurt almost too much to contemplate. And now it was happening. This was no nightmare. This was real life.
"I get it," she said flatly. "You can leave now."
His face worked, and something like anger burned in his cat's eyes. "You don't get anything," he snarled, but seemed to check himself. "No, you don't," he said less intensely, "but I'm sure you think you do."
"What's not to get? She demanded, glaring up hotly into his familiar and oh, so beloved face. "You're bored with me and want to move onto new territory. You've finally relieved yourself of the duty of watch the Kushinada, and you want your freedom, so you've bee trying to let me down slowly. Maybe you've found someone new. That's irrelevant. What's relevant is that you no longer want to have a relationship with me, and since I couldn't take a hint you had to tell me flat out. Personally, I would have rather that you'd just walk away without saying goodbye, so that I could've held at least a memory of the man I thought you were."
He looked like he'd barely been containing himself through that entire speech, but with that last statement he lost control of his tongue. "And what sort of man was that?"
She gave him a tired look and answered softly, all anger spent. "Kind. Loyal." She hesitated, then said, "In love with me."
His jaw worked, and it looked as if a thousand angry retorts were crowding hotly up his throat, but he shook his head and swung around to face the door. "Momiji, I'm leaving."
"So that's it?" she challenged softly. Maybe all her anger wasn't spent, after all. "There's no second chance for us? You've deemed that we're hopeless, and I don't get a chance to change your mind."
He hesitated, as if tempted, then shook his head firmly. "You don't understand."
"Then make me understand," she pleaded softly. "Please, Kusanagi, just give me a chance to understand!"
He sighed. "There's no hope for us, Momiji. Can't you understand that?"
She sighed, tears welling in her eyes, but they didn't fall as she slid down the fall to sit on the floor with a dazed thump. "I guess that's it then." Silence for a few agonizing moments. "Are you sure there's no hope?"
"None."
His answer was undeniable. She closed her eyes, feeling lifeless. "Then there's nothing left for us to say to each other. Except goodbye. So… goodbye, Mamoru Kusanagi."
He hesitated, then said softly, "Goodbye, Princess."
Then he walked out of the door, out of her life, shutting the door on her room and her life… forever.
The tears fell, seeping down her cheeks in a frozen stream that seemed to radiate cold, a cold that was slowly taking over her body, mind, heart, soul. Soon she'd e frozen, buried under a thousand years worth of ice.
That sounded good to her. Then she wouldn't be able to feel anything, least of all the pain of her heart breaking.
Coming out of her reflections, Momiji looked over at the thermostat. Eighty degrees. The apartment was a complete furnace, and here she was, shivering as if she was freezing to death.
She was. Who the hell cared?
Deciding that if she was going to go out, she was going to go out with style, she forced her body, stiff with cold, out of its fetal position on the couch and dragged her way into the bedroom, where she managed to put on one of her nicest outfits, a gorgeous hunter green skirt with a black tank top and a gauzy green shirt the same shade as her skirt. She applied makeup, forcing her stiff, shaking fingers into submission this one last time, then collapsed on the couch with her blanket again as soon as she was finished. There. Now she could die. Maybe Kusanagi would see her and know that she had dressed up for him this one last time.
Thinking of her lost love sent waves of pain through her that drove away the numbness that was descending, so she forced thoughts of him out of her head and thought of cold, ice, snow as far as the eye could see, frost on the glass and on her window panes, icicles dripping down from the corners of her roofs, anything cold to speed up the movement of the numbness, she didn't want to feel anything ever again…
"Momiji!"
Kusanagi. He was here. Against all odds, he was here, in her apartment, larger than life. He was also driving away the numbness that had been stealing over her soul, drat him. She didn't want him here. She wanted to not be able to feel.
She rolled over. "Go away." Speaking hurt with her stiff, frozen lips, but she managed it. Maybe if he left, she could get numb again.
He didn't even hear her, or if he did, he was ignoring her. "What the hell is going on here, Princess? It's about a hundred degrees in here!"
"Eighty," she corrected, then mentally frowned at herself. No, she would not let him pull her back into that.
"Whatever," he muttered, then ripped the blanket away and hauled her into his arms.
His abrupt heat seared her. She stilled, unable to pull away, then gave in and relaxed against him. Gradually she relaxed even more and she flowed against the hard planes of his body like molten gold.
Soon she was so relaxed that she couldn't have moved even if she had wanted to, which she didn't. It was so nice to just be lying there in Kusanagi's lap, enjoying what felt like affection but probably wasn't. He never got close to her anymore.
That thought brought her mind back to the night before. "Why did you come back?" she muttered against his black shirt. He cocked his head to the side.
"Come again?"
Lifting her head, she repeated, "I said, 'Why did you come back?'"
He shifted uncomfortably, and for one not-so-fun moment she thought that he wasn't going to answer. Then he sighed and relented.
"I couldn't keep away. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't, even though I knew I was doing the right thing. Well, I fought the good fight, and I found out that it didn't do me a damn bit of good to know that it was the 'right thing to do.' I just couldn't stay away. God, last night was hell." He groaned and buried his face into her neck, and she felt the hot rush of his tears against her now-warm skin. "I almost died, I hurt so bad, knowing that you were nearby and what I had done to you by walking away. So I gave up. I'm in love with you, and even though I know I'll ruin your life by staying in it, I'm not going anywhere."
Delighted but definitely surprised, she looked sharply up at his face. One glance told her the truth. He really did believe that by staying with her he'd ruin her life. Poor, deluded fool.
"I have no idea where you got the idea that you're bad for me, but you can just toss it out the freakin' window." She felt his tense in shock, because she never cursed, but the situation called for strong language. "I'm not letting you go this time."
He sighed, a slow, shaky exhale that told her more than words how intense his feelings were to you. "How could I not ruin your life? Momiji, I'm an orange, green-haired, mitamas-studded, cat-eyed fang-faced freak. Tell me how this is good boyfriend material."
She smiled up at him. "You idiot. I don't care what you look like. Well," she said slowly, letting her gaze roam over as much of his chest as she could see, "maybe I care about the important parts of your appearance." Really, it was amazing how bold she had gotten after Kusanagi had come and thawed her out. The old Momiji would never have said something like that.
He looked down at her, startled, and then smiled as he saw the self-satisfied expression on her face. Then he started to chuckle, and they both succumbed to the lure of shared laughter.
"Seriously, though," Momiji said as soon as she could speak, "I really don't care about any of those things. They're badges of honor, showing how incredibly special you are. Whether you like them or not, they're a part of you, and they make up part of you are. I could never dislike or be repulsed by something that is part of you."
He smiled tenderly down at her. "Now I know you're in love with me. Only someone who loves me could be so blind, but I'm glad you said it anyway."
"Was there ever any doubt that I loved you?"
He shook his head, suddenly as serious as she was. "No. I always knew, and that knowledge warmed me from the inside out. And I'm going to make sure that you never doubt m y love for you, either."
She smiled and looped her arms around his neck. "I don't think that will be a problem."
He laughed lightly, music to her poor, deprived ears. Then he stood up and let her slide down his body, letting her feel every hard inch of him. He smiled all the while as he stepped back, examining her appearance. "Very nice."
She shrugged. "I figured that if I had to go out, then I was going to go out in style."
He grinned, then pulled her close again for a long, slow, soul-consuming kiss. When she was resting, completely limp, against his chest, he reluctantly pulled his lips away from hers to whisper in her ear.
"Momiji?"
"Yeah?"
"For future reference, it's easier to warm up if you have no clothes on when you cuddle."
She slowly lifted her head and smiled up at him, a smile as old as even and filled with so much love his chest felt tight. "I'll keep that in mind."
"Do that," he told her, and kissed her again.
The End