Chapter 3. When You Feel as if You Simply Can't Go On Amelia felt drained when she woke up the next morning. Unbidden the gruesome images of the previous night filtered through her memories and the ache in her heart expanded beyond the bursting point. Tears streamed down her face as she clutched tightly to the blankets around her tempted to let the day's tasks go untouched. The temptation did not last, however. Seyruun needed their ruler, even if that ruler had just lost her best friend. Zelgadis needed someone to open up to, even if he wouldn't admit it. And Gourry… Amelia felt a fresh wave of tears well up inside of her as she remembered the feelings of grief and guilt that the swordsman had displayed the previous night. It wasn't hard for Amelia to tell just how much Gourry loved Lina, how seriously he had taken his job as her protector, even though she had had no need of one. Amelia could only imagine the magnitude of the waves of pain and loss that were tearing through him, waves that could consume and drown him. Yes, Gourry needed his friends, including her, to help him through this, meaning that it was prudent that she get up and start the day. Shakily she got to her feet and walked over to the water basin, musing over how such a terrible thing could befall to a Hero of Justice and how such pain could be brought to one of the kindest men that she knew. While she no longer held such naïve views about the workings of the world, it still ceased to defy her grasp of understanding how bad things could befall to good people…people that she cared about. She wondered how many more scenes of death would be played before her as she poured the water from the pitcher to the basin, scrubbing her face with more veracity than usual. After toweling her face dry, she hurried to her wardrobe, searching for her traveling clothes. Once found, she was slightly distressed to see that during the time between the death of Dark Star and this latest incident, she had outgrown them. Funny how she had managed to get all of her other things tailored except for these. She simply had thought she'd never go on any adventures again. As she grew up, so did the responsibilities that she was required to take on, and she simply could not afford to take off on random adventures. Still, if she had gone on one last adventure, just to say goodbye to a former life style, might she have been there to save Lina when she had been attacked? Might she not have been forced to say goodbye to a best friend?
That's the past, think about the future! Amelia shook her head to clear her thoughts and dressed in the simple white robes of a shrine maiden rather than the elaborate stylish dress of a princess. Not really caring to tidy her hair, she stepped out of her room and into the hallway, surprised to find Zelgadis sitting on a bench outside her door. "Mr. Zelgadis?" she asked, "You were keeping watch?" Zelgadis shook his head, "Didn't care much for my room." He muttered. "Oh," Amelia said, surprised. After her father's assassination attempt two years ago, her friends had been given rooms close to the royal family so that they could serve as bodyguards, meaning that the rooms were more elaborate than those usually given to guests. As an extension of gratitude and to show that the gates of Seyruun were always open, they had been allowed to keep the rooms. That Zelgadis, who had been known to have rather Epicurean tastes, disliked them was puzzling. She'd have to look into getting his room changed…later, when the first task of the day was over with. "What happened?" Amelia asked, assuming that as Zelgadis was with Lina and Gourry when the three had arrived at the palace that he must have been traveling with them. Zelgadis shrugged, "I was on my way to Seyruun to do some research to find my cure. When I got to the gates I saw Gourry running frantically with Lina in his arms. I knew it was too late for her, but I tried…" He let the words die off, but Amelia nodded in understanding. He had to try to get her here, just as she had had to try Resurrection, just because it was unthinkable that the most stubborn woman in the world would let go of her hold on life. "Has he left his room?" Amelia asked, staring at Gourry's room. "He went into Lina's room shortly before you came out. He's still there." "Poor Mr. Gourry," Amelia said, "We have to talk to him, show him that we're here for him to help him through this!" Zelgadis shifted uncomfortably, somehow knowing that this was going to be the very thing that Amelia would suggest, "I'm not very good at supporting people." "You don't have to say or do anything, just come with me and listen while I talk to him, show him that you're there to help him through this! Right now Mr. Gourry needs his friends, and it would be unjust to let him suffer alone." Zelgadis felt himself trembling. As it was the emotional atmosphere in the hallway was too tense for him, never mind what the tension in Lina's room would be like. He wasn't sure if he trusted himself to hold up under it. What he really wanted was to be left alone, bury himself in his research, but he couldn't leave his newfound friends like this. Lina wouldn't forgive him for it, and Amelia and Gourry had both been kind to him when he usually found kindness lacking from people. A part of him wished for the ease to reach out and comfort people that Amelia possessed so that he could do more, another part of him wished to return to being the Heartless Mystical Swordsman so he could shrug Amelia and Gourry off and may be even the pain of Lina's death off and leave all this behind. But he couldn't do that, and Amelia was right. The least he could do was listen and show his friendship by being there for Gourry. Slightly, he nodded his head before he got up to his feet and stared at Amelia. For the first time that day, she cracked a small smile, and together they headed off to Lina's room.
. . . Even though she had not stayed here often, Lina's presence seemed to permeate the room. Lina had had it specifically made known that no one was to touch her room even to clean it while she was gone, on the principle that if she was going to have a place that she could call home, it should at least look as though it belonged to her. Sure enough, the bed was unmade, the couch-cushions strewn about everywhere except the couch, with socks scattered here and there. No wonder they had to stop by every town they saw to pick her up a new pair! Something on the floor by Lina's nightstand caught his eye, and he walked over to pick it up. It was a leather bound book, probably the one she had pouted over forgetting to pack, yet had not been important enough or interesting enough to turn back around to Seyruun to go back for. She'd probably knocked it off the nightstand in her sleep, she had always tossed and turned so according to Amelia, and had not noticed it in the morning. Carefully, Gourry opened the book, not too surprised to find it was in a language he had no means of deciphering. It was probably about Black Magic or history, then. He closed the book with a sigh, fingering it a bit. She had always been so smart. She had always known what to do when things got bad because she knew everything about anything! Not only did she know everything, but she also knew how to combine data, find the important bits and forget the extraneous stuff, she was a genius! Magic, strategy, history, the good old mystery were all toys to her, she knew everything about them, she knew everything…Did she know how much he loved her? From his door came a knock that shattered his thoughts. Gourry ignored it, wanting to be left alone to his grief and to bask in what the woman he had loved had left behind. As if in defiance of his silence, however, the door opened, and in walked Amelia with Zelgadis close behind. Amelia's eyes brimmed with tears of sorrow and sympathy as she looked at Gourry, and Gourry realized that he must have looked a mess. He'd not bothered with showering or changing into some fresh clothes, such matters seemed rather trite now. Despite the fact that he was stained with blood, though, Amelia walked up to him and threw her arms around him, "Oh, Mr. Gourry, I'm so sorry." Gourry returned her embrace, thankful somewhat for the contact. Besides, Amelia was hurting too, and she probably needed the contact as much as himself. That, and no matter what, you always helped out a lady when she needed it. It was easier, though, comforting Amelia or just showing brotherly displays of affection with her. Lina had seldom let him close enough for brotherly displays, never mind anything more than that, displays that he would have rather shared with her. All he had was the memory of returning with Lina from Chaos, returning from certain death with Lina snuggled comfortably in his arms so quiet and peaceful, with it seeming so natural to be holding each other that he had not wanted to wake up. He had wanted to hold onto her forever, and may be if Zelgadis, Amelia and Sylphiel had not been watching he would have, and may be she would have as well. Instead, they had both panicked, Lina more so than himself, but he had panicked. But something had to have happened in Chaos, something wonderful for them to have woken so, yet try as he might Gourry could not recall what. Yes, he was not bright, and yes he had a hard time remembering names and places, but he remembered events, even if he couldn't remember the words to describe them, and he definitely remembered potent events, and he knew that ordinarily he would remember something that would have led to Lina and himself being so comfortable with each other, comfort they had never achieved again until Goidbyn had showed up and ruined it all. Sobs of regret over things left unsaid and undone ran through him as he found himself gripping more tightly to Amelia while she soothed him, murmuring words he did not hear yet sounded nice nonetheless. After awhile he pulled away, drying his eyes, staring at her. She had grown to be a very tall young woman, definitely taller than Lina, probably taller than Sylphiel! It would have been interesting, seeing Lina and Amelia together now that the younger woman was taller than her. Lina would have hated it, she was always so uncomfortable with her looks. Just once he should have told her how beautiful she was… "What happened?" Amelia asked. Gourry responded with silence, and Amelia sat beside him, putting an arm around his shoulder, "I know its difficult now, but you have to talk about it to heal, and you'll feel better once you do." She bit her lip for a moment before adding, "Believe me, Mr. Gourry, I know…I've been there." Slowly at first, Gourry recounted Lina's last epic battle with Goidbyn, a retelling that increased in its magnitude and fury until he got to the point where Lina had stolen his deathblow. He stopped, the images of her fatally wounded yet continuing to advance on Goidbyn anyway blindingly bright, preventing him from finding the words to even describe them. He felt tears leak from his eyes again and Amelia held him tighter, already figuring out the end. "It wasn't your fault, Mr. Gourry!" she said fiercely. "No, it wasn't!" Zelgadis said, stepping away from his corner despite the tense atmosphere that pervaded the room, "She was the one who put herself between Goidbyn and you…" "Are you saying it's her fault, then?" Gourry spat. "No!" Amelia cried, "He's saying that she knew full well what she was doing! She was protecting you from him, because she wanted you to go on living your life, just as you wanted her to continue hers. You would have done the same in her position! It's Goidbyn's fault for using such devious tricks to maneuver the two of you into such an unjust position!" "But I was her protector, I promised her I'd protect her for the rest of her life! Besides," he added silently, "she was my life. What do I do now that she's gone?" "Well," Zelgadis said, "What did you do before you protected Lina?" "Protected the Sword of Light from my family, and my family from the Sword of Light." Gourry replied, "And the sword has been returned to its home now, and I can't go to mine, or else my family will kill me on sight for running away with the Sword of Light, even if it was to protect it." Amelia and Zelgadis shared a stunned expression. Gourry had stolen the Sword of Light? Amelia filed the thought aside, "You can stay in Seyruun as a royal bodyguard, or you can travel with Mr. Zelgadis." Gourry shook his head. He loved traveling too much to give it up just yet, even if he no longer had a companion alongside him. And despite Amelia's offer, he knew Zelgadis would not appreciate his company on his travels and Gourry felt rather firmly that Zelgadis should stay in Seyruun with Amelia. When would that guy wake up and realize how lucky he was before it was too late? "I'd actually like to be alone right now," Gourry said, not wanting to shove his friends out, but feeling it prudent that he did. The overwhelming need to be alone had suddenly soared to new heights, "Wash up, may be get something to eat, you know…" he said. Amelia looked at him, heart stricken for a moment at the thought that her efforts were doing more harm than good. Zelgadis put his hands on her shoulders, jostling her to the present, "We'll be going then. I'm sure that Amelia will have someone send up something for you to eat." Gourry nodded, knowing that for the first time in his life he really wasn't that hungry, "Thanks, I appreciate it." He said. "If there's anything we can do, just let us know." Amelia said, standing up and turning to follow Zelgadis out of the room. Gourry nodded numbly, "I will." He did not relax until the door was closed and he could go back to mourning his sorceress in private.
. . . "Princess?" a messenger beckoned. "Yes?" Amelia asked, barely looking up from the final preparations for Lina's funeral that was to take place that day, "One Sylphiel Nels Rhada has arrived and has asked to speak with you. May I show her in?" Amelia felt some relief set in that was uncommon when someone brought news of the Shrine Maiden's appearance. Not that Amelia disliked Sylphiel, on the contrary, she admired and respected her a great deal, but she had known that Sylphiel had had feelings for Gourry. Strangely, even though Sylphiel knew of Gourry's feelings for Lina, and Lina's feeling for Gourry, she had not let that stand in the way of their friendship, and strangely enough neither had Lina. When Amelia had first met Sylphiel she had been certain that fights would be inevitable, yet they never seemed to materialize, and as Sylphiel's crush waned, so did the tension that Amelia felt around her. And now, Amelia was extremely glad that she was here. Sylphiel was extremely emphatic and surely she could help Gourry find some direction to his life now. "By all means, show her in!" Not two minutes later, Sylphiel all but darted into the room, gripping Amelia by the shoulders, "Please, tell me its not true, it can't be, Miss Lina, she can't!" Amelia lowered her eyes, hating to be the bearer of bad news, "Her funeral is this afternoon." Sylphiel gasped as she sank to her knees, tears filling her emerald eyes, and Amelia stooped down to hug her. "I came as soon as I heard the rumors, but I didn't believe them. She was too strong to die." Amelia nodded in agreement, those same words had been spoken many a time in response to her death. It still did not seem possible, yet no matter how many days past Lina still remained dead, and Gourry still remained all but inconsolable. "Lets have some tea, Miss Sylphiel, we have a lot to talk about."
. . . "Come in," Gourry said as his straighten the black suit that they had finally found for him. There were not many men as tall as he floating around Seyruun, and black was such an uncommon color there anyway… "Gourry, dear!" a voice cried, and Gourry turned around, surprised to see Sylphiel, her eyes red and tear stained, in the doorway, "I'm so sorry!" she said, walking over to hug him, which he returned, unsure as to how he felt about having her here. He was tired of people telling him it wasn't his fault and how things would get better with time. None of that changed what had happened. Gourry pulled away and looked back out at the window, "So, what have you been up to?" He asked, desperate to keep the topic away from Lina's death. Sylphiel went over to sit on the couch, picking up on Gourry's need to focus on something else for awhile, even if she would have to turn to a topic he was dreading, "The rebuilding of Sairaag has come along well. Working to replant Flagoon has kept me busy, that and over seeing the rebuilding of the temple. In my spare time I've been seeing one of the new city managers, though." Gourry smiled, and even though it did not reach his eyes, his sincerity was not in doubt, "I'm happy for you Sylphiel." And he was. She had been a sweet girl who had come upon a lot of misfortune. He had felt guilty at times, not being able to return her feelings, especially when his own feelings for Lina were blossoming at the time, yet he also knew that with time that she would outgrow her crush, and it appeared now as though she had. Sylphiel managed a weak smile at his words. Yes, things had indeed been going well indeed until the news of Lina's death had reached Sairaag. Sylphiel was still reeling from the news, yet she was used to having to pick up the pieces while dealing with dangers on her tail far worse than a grieving man. Once Gourry was taken care of she could grieve over the loss of her friend, but right now she needed to worry about the one who was still living. "So what about you?" she asked, "What will you do now?" Gourry shrugged, the feeling of dread returning. The future was too much to think about without having Lina there in his life. He had been fully prepared to spend the rest of his life going where she went, protecting her. He had meant what he said two years ago, and he had never thought about spending the rest of his life any other way. "Don't know." Sylphiel nodded. Amelia had explained a lot of it to her, yet even without Amelia's information Sylphiel could have figured it out easily. Sylphiel had always had a knack for figuring out people, what their plans and motives were, what they liked and disliked, and what ideals and beliefs motivated them. Gourry's adherence to the principles of chivalry had been what had driven her close to him in the first place. Loosing Lina would have been a blow to such ideals, yet there was still something that could be done that would call on Gourry's chivalrous nature, something that would hopefully help him in the long run, "Did Miss Lina have any family?" Gourry bit his lip, her question taking him off guard. "She had an older sister, the knight of some God who also has to work as a waitress. Lina was terrified of her for some strange reason. I think she lives with Lina's parents in that town where all the wine comes from. I dunno, she didn't talk about home much, but then she really wasn't the type for attachments." "Then I think that you have an obligation to them." Sylphiel said. Gourry turned to stare at her, "Obligation?" "They deserve to know how their daughter died from the one who was with her at the time of her death." Sylphiel said. Gourry turned the thought over and over, and it made sense. Yes, Lina's family had a right to know how she died, and they needed to hear it from him not only because he was there, but because he had also failed in protecting her. He needed to hear their judgment. "You're right." Gourry said, "Thank you, Sylphiel."
. . . "So, I guess this is goodbye." Gourry whispered as he stared at the tombstone that marked the place where the greatest sorceress in the entire world was now buried. It was solid mass of pink garnet with the name "LINA INVERSE: BEAUTIFUL SOCERY GENIUS" carved into it that caused Gourry's hands to clench into fists at the reminder that Lina was down there below it, away from the sun and the light, away from the life she had so loved. It wasn't fair! He took a deep, shuddering breath, not bothering to fight back the tears. He'd wept openly throughout the funeral, especially when Prince Philionel had detailed how Lina had saved Seyruun, and then Amelia had made her tribute speech to Lina, a speech to the friend she had been, the side of her people seldom saw, rather than the Dragon Spooker side that had made her so infamous. The funeral had drawn a considerable crowd, and Gourry was glad for it. It would have made Lina happy to know that so many people would miss her, yet one by one they had all left, leaving Gourry alone with Amelia, Zelgadis and Sylphiel. Finally he had asked to be left alone, to say his goodbyes in private and they had thankfully left him. He looked down at the bouquet of crimson red roses he had brought with him. Crimson red…the color of her hair and eyes, the color of the destructive energy released whenever she would cast her overkill Dragon Slave spell, the spell that had clued him into the fact that may be she was not your everyday fifteen year old runaway sorceress, the color of her traveling outfit, even her Demon's Blood Talisman. The color of her temper, the color of her cheeks when a blush would spread across them, usually in response to his expressed concern over her. What better color for Lina than crimson red? Gourry hoped she would have liked them. He also hoped that the rose was the flower she had seen when looking into the future. He'd never asked her what it was, but her answer to Copy Rezo's question had always befuddled him, befuddled him enough that even a man with a memory as slippery as his remembered it. All he could do now was hope it was the rose. With the knowledge that he would stop by this way many times during his travels to see that fresh ones were put on her grave, he gently laid the flowers across the fresh mound, knowing that he had done all that he needed to here and that he had to leave now. Saying goodbye was proving even harder than he could ever have imagined, though, but in the end with an enormous force of will he managed to say, "I have to go now, visit your family. I'll be back, though. Soon." He took a deep breath, trying to ride himself of the knot in his throat and chest, "I guess that it's a little late to say it now, but I'm going to. I love you, Lina, and nothing that happens can change that, even if you're gone now. Even if you hadn't returned my feelings, that didn't matter, because I was with you, and that was enough. But now you're gone…I miss you." Somehow, it had seemed as though he had meant to say more, but he couldn't. He had to leave, now, or he never would. With shoulders back and back straight, he turned and walked away from his past and into his future.
