Chapter 9 - Deny
"Today I woke up and you were gone
The whole day wondering what I did wrong
It's like I'm falling from a mountaintop
My heart keeps pounding and it won't stop"


"I'm not going there to die… I'm going to see if I really alive."

"Don't go!" Faye's eyes snapped open. She glanced around, taking in
her surroundings. Realizing she was still in her room, she closed her
eyes, letting out a sigh of relief. 'I was just dreaming…' She started to
sit up, letting out a cry as pain shot through her side.

"You shouldn't try to move."

Faye looked up to see Spike leaning against the doorframe. She couldn't
read his expression due to the fact that his face was hidden in the
shadows. 'Not that I'd be able to anyway.' She frowned delicately. "What
happens if I do?"

Spike shrugged, stepping forward into the room. "Suit yourself." He sat
down on the edge of the bed, not looking at her. "You'll just be giving
yourself more trouble than it's worth."

"My trouble is worth 160 million," she replied, gritting her teeth as she
made a second attempt to sit up. 'Damn this hurts!' "I don't have time to
be laying around!"

"You don't really have that much say in the matter." Spike leaned forward,
lifting her up so that he could prop up her pillows so that she could sit up.
After he finished, he moved back to the far end of the bed, looking out the
door. "Jet says you have to stay in bed today."

"Today?" Faye blinked. "It's tomorrow already?" She looked down
realizing how ridiculous that sounded.

"You haven't been asleep that long." Spike replied. "I'd say about 13
hours at the most." To her surprise, he didn't make fun of her.

"Oh," she replied. She was a little put-off by how nice he was being -
especially after he had blown up in her face the night before. She
swallowed, glancing up at him under her eyelashes. "I'm sorry."

Spike blinked, 'For what?' He turned his head slightly, not enough to face
her again, but enough to let her know he was listening.

Faye fiddled with the sheets. "I'm sorry about yesterday," she replied. "I
didn't mean to hurt your pride or anything like that. I just sort of reacted -
I wasn't really thinking. I'm sorry."

"No, Faye," Faye looked back up at him. Spike lowered his head slightly,
staring down at his hands resting in his lap. "Don't be sorry. It's not your
fault."

"Oh," she replied carefully. "What were you so mad about then?" She
noticed him stiffen slightly. "If it's about that Arnold guy… I'm sure we
can catch him again."

Spike stood up, walking over to her dresser. He walked back over to her
bedside carrying a covered plate of food. "Here you go." he replied, setting
it in her lap. "I figured you might be hungry."

She really wasn't, but her face softened at the gesture. She looked up at
him with a small smile of gratitude. "Thanks."

He looked a bit uneasy, but tried covering it up with a smirk. "Don't
thank me just yet," he replied. "Jet made it."

Faye made a face. "Oh." And to think she almost had an appetite.

Spike sighed, sitting down again. He uncovered the plate, handing her a
pair of chopsticks. To her surprise however, he did not move his hands
away afterwards. "You really ought to eat something, Faye." he told her.
"You need to get your strength back up."

"I'm fine." she replied. Spike looked as though he was about to object,
so she split the chopsticks apart and began eating. As usual, it was Jet's
only specialty - Bell peppers and beef - except this time it actually
contained beef. Surprisingly enough, it tasted a bit better when all the
ingredients were actually included. After a few bites, she set down her
chopsticks, touching her side gingerly. Spike looked at her questioningly.
"It hurts a little," she explained. "But it should be fine in a few days."

"It had better," Spike replied absently. "The medical bill wasn't that
cheap."

"Bill?" Faye paled. "Oh, God… not another one." She looked up at
him pleadingly. "Don't worry, I'll pay it back! I promise - I have
enough debts to pay as it is."

"It's all right," Spike said patiently. "Jet and Ed fronted the bill." He
smiled slightly, placing the chopsticks back in her hands. "I would
have done it, but you know Jet. He insisted."

"Why?" Faye's expression was a whirlwind of emotions, confusion
showing in the forefront.

"Why what?" Spike asked, frowning slightly.

"Why are you doing this?" she asked. "Why are you being so nice to
me?"

Spike closed his eyes, smirking slightly - more successfully than the first
attempt. "Well," he drawled. "I figured since Jet and Ed split the bill, the
least I could do was nurse you back to health. Jet would have been mad
otherwise."

Faye frowned at him. "Jerk." She looked a little hurt.

"But, then again," Spike continued, opening one eye to glance over at her.
"Can't a guy show a little consideration to a fellow partner every once in a
while?"

Faye smirked slightly, crossing her arms over her chest. "Oh, so I'm your
partner now?" she asked. "Before I was just that tomboy that used up all
your hot water and ate all the food."

"Come on, Faye," Spike replied. "Things are different now, aren't they?"

She remained quiet a moment, glancing from her plate to him. "Yeah,"
she agreed quietly. "I guess they are." Silence passed between them
again as Faye ate her food. When she was finished, she set it down on
the nightstand next to her bed, taking two painkillers with a glass of water.

Spike glanced over at the plate - she had only eaten half of what was
there. "Not hungry?" he asked.

Faye shook her head sheepishly. "Tell Jet I said thanks." she replied.

Spike nodded. "Later though."

"What are you going to do now?"

"Exactly what I said I'd do." Spike answered with a grin. "I'm gonna
keep you company."

"By doing what?"

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. What do you want to--- no, wait… I know where this is
headed."

"All right then," Spike replied, standing up. "If you want me to go…"

'No!' Faye's brain screamed; or was it her heart? She reached out to
him, weakly grasping his fingers. He glanced back at her casually.
"You can stay." He gave her a curious look. "Just stay and talk with me.
Please?"

How could he possibly say no when she was looking at him like that?
Granted, he would have stayed whether she liked it or not. If he knew
Faye, leaving her alone would not have been one of the best ideas. She
would either sneak out or try to catch the bounty herself, or steal all the
food, money, and fuel contained within the ship and throw it all away on
a trip to a casino. Still, Spike sat back down on the edge of the bed,
knowing this new Faye would do no such thing.

=====

And so, after Spike finished off the rest of her bell peppers and beef, he
and Faye spent the following hours just talking. They talked about
weather, a little about politics, and a little bit about everything and nothing
in between.

Spike smirked, scratching his head absently. "So, Macy likes Jet, huh?"
he asked.

"I think so," Faye answered. "You see, Jet used to come and visit me
when Ganymede was close enough to Mars. Macy, being more for the
older-sensitive type was a terrible flirt." She chuckled a little. "It got to
the point where Jet refused to come by the apartment. He'd always
meet me some place else."

"Poor Jet," Spike said laughing. He paused and glanced over at her.
"You and Jet are pretty close now."

She blinked slightly; it hadn't been a question. She looked up at him to
see him giving her one of those blank, unreadable expressions. "Yeah,
I guess so." she offered. "It's not like we're blood brothers or anything
like that. I didn't replace you if that's what you're thinking."

"No, of course not." He turned away from her, but that expression was
still there.

Faye noted that it was the one he made when he didn't want anyone to
know what he was thinking. She looked down at her hands, suddenly
realizing how tense the atmosphere had become.

"Can I ask you something?"

Faye looked a little uncertain. "Sure, go ahead."

Spike's expression changed slightly, taking on a look of curiosity. "Why'd
you leave the Bebop?"

Well, she certainly hadn't expected that one. She thought about coming
back with, 'why did you?' but thought better of it. Realizing he was still
waiting for an answer, she sighed, looking out the door. "Tell you what,"
she replied. "How about we play a game."

Spike raised an eyebrow. "A game?"

"Yeah, sort of like Truth or Dare," Judging by the look on his face, Faye
assumed he had never heard of it. "You tell me a secret, and then I tell
you one."

The green-haired bounty hunter seemed slightly intrigued, for he grinned
slightly. "Any kind of secret?"

"Yeah," Faye answered. She paused slightly, frowning up at him.
"Nothing dirty, though. Keep your mind out of the gutter."

"Well then, you keep yours out of the sewer and back into the gutter
where it belongs," Spike countered with a grin. "I wasn't even
suggesting anything dirty."

Faye looked at him skeptically. "Liar." He feigned a hurt look. "All
right, all right already. You go first."

Spike looked thoughtful for a moment. He knew what he wanted to
say, but was considering whether or not he should say it. He
repositioned himself, leaning back against the headboard so that he
could sit next to her. "Tell me, Faye," he replied, staring up at the
ceiling. "Have you ever heard the saying, 'It is better to have loved
and lost, than to have never loved at all'?"

Faye blinked slightly. "Yeah," she replied slowly. "I'm pretty sure I
have." She wanted to tell him that quoting literature did not really
count as a secret, but she was curious to see where he was heading
with this.

Spike glanced over at her, his mismatched eyes unblinking. "What do
you think of it?" His face was calm, but on the inside, there were a
million emotions surging through him, fighting for control. Somehow,
he needed to hear what she had to say.

"I…I don't know." Faye answered, becoming slightly flustered. Having
him so close to her was making her heart beat double time. She couldn't
bring herself to move or look away. She felt a little intimidated; similarly
to the last time he had been this close to her. 'Damnit, Faye, pull
yourself together!' she told herself. 'You said you wouldn't let him
affect you anymore!' She sighed inwardly. 'I lied.'

She looked back up at him to see he was still looking at her. She sighed
again, "I honestly don't know, Spike." she replied. "I'm really not the
best person to be asking this to."

"Why not?"

"Because," Faye replied, a little of her frustration showing in her tone.
"For me to make a comment about a statement on love, I would have
actually had to have been in love before."

Spike paused a moment. "And you've never been in love before?"

"No." Faye looked a bit uncertain. "At least I don't think I have. Even
though I have my memory back, there are some little things I don't
remember." She clenched her sheets in her fists. "Besides, the closing
thing I ever got to love turned out to be a lie."

"If that's the case," Spike replied. "Than you do have some basis of an
opinion."

"I guess." Faye replied tiredly. Her pain medication was starting to
kick in. "All right. In most cases I would have to say it's better to have
loved and lost. Even though it was only once, if it was true love, at least
you'd have something happy to look back on for the rest of your days."

Spike watched her eyelids droop slightly. "But…?" She looked similar to
a little kid fighting to stay awake past her bedtime. He suddenly found
himself thinking back to the young Faye on the beta tape. Had she ever
been in love? Had she ever known heartbreak or suffering? Would the
Faye now ever learn to be as happy as she was? Spike could only hope.

"But…" Faye yawned slightly, trying to make herself more comfortable.
"For someone who's never known love, it would be better to have never
loved at all… so they don't know what they're missing…"

Spike glanced at clock on the dresser; it read 9:15 p.m. Jet and Ed would
be back soon. "I see."

"Do you want to know my secret, Spike?" Spike glanced back at her,
noticing how weak and frail she looked. Despite her efforts to hide it,
she looked terribly exhausted. He nodded slightly, gently brushing a few
strands of hair out of her face, only to have them fall back into place. She
sighed, closing her eyes. "I'm lonely."

Spike smiled half-heartedly. "That's no secret." he replied gently. She
made a small murmur of protest. He lifted her up, fluffing her pillows
gently, taking great care not to upset her. She was already half asleep
anyway. "Faye?"

"Hmm?"

Spike leaned close to her, their noses barely touching. "You wanna
know my secret?"

Faye's breathing slowed as her brows furrowed slightly. "Mmmm?"

Spike smirked, though it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Faye," he replied,
just above a whisper. "I'm lonely, too." With that, he rose from the bed
and walked towards the door. He looked back one more time before
turning off the lights and closing the door behind him.

Though she was already fast a sleep, a lone tear ran down her cheek.

End of Chapter 9

Author's Notes -

Hi again, guys! Thank you so much for the reviews! I'm so glad you guys
are enjoying my fic! I thought it was gonna suck (seeing since it's my first
CB fic). I hope this chapter and the ones following are as good are as
good as their predecessors! Keep reading, writing, and reviewing!

Much love,
Nataku-chan