Archive: Dolphin Haven.
Feedback: Sure, bring it on. Praise, flames or otherwise. I can take it.
Author's notes: Remember my Red Dwarf/X-men crossover (sort of)? Well, this isn't more of this but just as silly or weird I think. I just saw some strange and weird quotations that I just had to make into a fic...
Warning: If you take this fic seriously, I have some nice white coats that straps in the back for you...
"This isn't happening to me". Scott Summers thought to himself. He had just received news from Jean that Logan wouldn't be fit to fight the Brotherhood in the upcoming fight for world-peace. He thought with irony that the idea of fighting for worldpeace was like fucking for virginity but whatever.
What mattered is that their most fearsome warrior was out cold. From the common cold no less and neither Hank or Jean could explain why a mutant with a healing factor would become so ill by such a common disease but both of them cursed Murphy with all their might while the three of them were heading for Xavier's office, dreading to tell him the bad news. "If something can go wrong, it will" was running through their minds all the time and they silently wondered if Murphy was a realist or an optimist. Before they had reached their destination a couple of more X-men had joined them, both having southern accents and one being very annoying to boot (Scott had on more than one occassion thought it was very exaggerated).
Gauging by Xavier's reaction, they unanimously decided that Murphy (realist or optimist was irrelevant for the time being, even if Hank had a theory he was dying to try out) was right. He didn't seem to take things as seriously as warranted. Or did he?
"Okay, Scott. You've convinced me. This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you've got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpetting throughout, 24-hour portrage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying `THIS IS A LARGE CRISIS!!!'. A large crisis requires a large plan. Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants."
Or maybe not as unanimously as Scott had first thought he realised when he heard Hank's answer.
"A most excellent suggestion, Charles. What kind of underpants? Leather, boxers, briefs or may I suggest some women's lingerie? Or maybe some combination?"
"I'm not hearing this", Scott thought to himself. He hadn't been careful enough in shielding his thoughts from Xavier though. If he hadn't realized that himself he found out soon enough when Xavier projected some thoughts of the not-so-kind kind into his mind.
"Scott, Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. Since you don't have that kind of foresight - get out of here and let the adults handle this situation." A bolt of pure telepathic energy went out of Xavier's mind, almost visible thanks to it's strength, knocking Scott out cold.
"That's one problem out of the way", Xavier continued. "Anyone got a bright idea of how to handle this?"
"Well, I was rather hoping you would have an idea" Jean started to say before Xavier gave her a stern and disappointed look and she immediately withdrew almost blending into the wood-work as always when she couldn't bitch about Logan and Rogue being together. She had accepted being the bitch of the party silently but damn them all to hell and back if she would say that out loud! Everyone has their pride you know?
"Anyone else?" Charles asked?
"Well, why don't we start with Cerebro?" Remy and Hank asked almost at the same time.
"I knew you would ask that" Charles stated as if it was the silliest suggestion he had ever heard in his entire life. "Unfortunately it's not workable."
"Why not?" his two, not-as-smart-as-their-reputation-claims, students asked.
"It's obvious, isn't it?"
"No!"
"You can't let people get away with shoddy service. It starts with overcooked meat and ends with Microsoft."
"Meaning?" Hank asked, looking as confused as Jean.
"Meaning that Cerebro once again have crashed. I knew I shouldn't have let Eric talk me into having it powered by Windows."
The look Jean and Hank gave eachother was enough. No telepathy needed to know what they were saying. "We're so screwed and not in a good way."
They knew their only hope was to get an advantage was to get Logan on his feet and they both got to work, hoping for a miracle, with Remy, Marie and Xavier following them and silently praying.
"How are you doing Logan?"
"I'm fine Warren."
Warren? He was in England and had been for at least four months, which Logan most assuredly knew.
Hank tried to tell him that and to get some further bearing on his friends well-being. "Are you doing any progress in fighting that fever?"
Logan looked thoughful before answering "I think it's worsening actually. I think I'm hallucinating. I'm having this disturbing..." He stops for a few moments before continueing "Okay, never mind. It was just your sweater. It's nothing. I'm fine soon."
Hank and Jean are just looking at eachother, rolling their eyes before panicking, knowing that the Brotherhood is practically knocking on their frontdoor!
Remy accidently charged Xavier's wheelchair in his attempt to escape through the window earning him his allowances for the next 4 months to be withheld - not that it mattered to him since he managed to get out through the window in question and he was last seen lying on a beach on the French Riviera, enjoying the sun and ladies that was accompaniying him.
Jean, on the other hand, completely lost control over her telekinesis and was flying around in the air looking like some novice witch that had lost control over her broomstick. She knocked down a lot of valueables in her panic attack and Xavier tried to calm her down telepathically all along with no success and finally she just forgot to use her telekinesis completely, falling down. Unfortunately she landed on top of Hank, knocking them both out.
Marie was just staring at the circus infront of her, trying hard to contain her laughter and failing miserably.
Xavier looks at her disapprovingly but before he has the time to say anything Magneto strolls in through the bedroom door.
"I see our plan worked, old friend."
"Indeed it did. Now it's time to see if your team is as easily spooked out of their minds. Say, that virus you infected Logan with wouldn't work on Creed too would it?"
"It sure will. We need to knock him down a bit too wouldn't you say?"
"Yes. This will be so much fun! Just like in the old days."
With that we leave Eric and Charles while they're plotting over how to humiliate the Brotherhood.