Back At One
Threshie: I don't own Slayers! ^^;; I don't own the song 'Back At One' either!
Rufus: Yes, if she owned either of those, she wouldn't worship quarters she finds on the ground…
Threshie: ^^;; Damare, Rufie! I do own you!
Rufus: *Twitch* Cut that out. And I own me, for your information.
Threshie: Iie! You're my Muse, baka! BE-DA! *Sticks tongue out at Rufus and pulls down eyelid* Err... ^^;; Anywayz, I was at a loss for what to write (read: no inspiration), and was bored, so I decided to write another of these crazy songfics in which Xellos insults/torments Filia-san! ^^;; It's probably repetitive, but oh well. This time, instead of just making commentary like in 'I Wanna Be Your Everything', Xel and Filia are gonna finish the lines like they were sentences. ^^;; Be afraid…be very afraid…
Rufus: And when she says it, she means it…
***
It's undeniable
Xel: --That Filia-san's a baka golden dragon! ^^
Filia: *Growls and reaches for Mace-sama*
That we should be together
Xel: --In Jigoku!
Filia: I'm not going anywhere with you, you NAMAGOMI!
Xel: *Twitches*
It's unbelievable
Xel: --That Filia-san can be so deceivingly slim when she literally weighs tons!
Filia: YOU…!! *Smashes Xel's head in with Mace-sama* NAMAGOMI! BAKAYAROU! MAZOKUUUUU!
Xel: *Grinz and doesn't even attempt to evade the mace* Why, thank you, Filia-san! I'm so glad you can tell I'm Mazoku--I wouldn't want to be mistaken for a golden dragon or anything!
How I used to say that I'd fall never
Xel: --Into a stupid trap that the stupid humans made for me! ^~
Filia: *Grinz with fangs and a slight twitch in one eye* He didn't mention dragons….eheheheh…. *Brandishes Mace-sama*
The basis is need to know
Filia: --A Mazoku's weaknesses! *Drops Mace-sama and gives Xellos a big, gushy, warm, sappy, WAFFY bear-hug* LIFE IS WONDERFUL, XELLOS-KUN!!!
Xel: *Eyes pop open in shock* N-nani yo?! *Quickly phases out of the hold*
If you don't know just how I feel
Xel: --Then you will soon enough, when I do THIS! *Picks up the discarded Mace-sama and punts Filia into the horizon instead of vice versa for once* ^^ Nice try, Filia-san!
Filia: AAAAIIIIIIIII!!! *Disappears over the horizon*
Let me show you now that I'm for real
Xel: --and a fruitcake, and dangerous, and evil, and… *Lists, counting on fingers*
Filia: *Sneaks up behind him, steals Mace-sama from the ground, where he sat it in order to count on his fingers*
Xel: …kawaii, and purple-haired, and a Mazoku, and indestructible, and your life-long tormentor…
Filia: HIIII-YAAAA! *Smushes Xel's head in with Mace-sama, cackling triumphantly and more than a little insanely as he falls over*
Xel: *Pops up, rubbing his head and actually looking pouty about being whacked for once* Filia-saaaaan! I appreciate your support to the sado-masochists out there, but you made me lose my count!
Filia: *Sticks out tongue and pulls down eyelid* BE-DA!
If all things in time, time will reveal
Xel: --That Filia is really an ecchi who secretly can't resist Mazoku, and wants to be my girlfriend! ^^
Filia: *Faints from pure horror and disgust*
Xel: *Glances down at her, then grinz smugly* Ah, look, she's speechless with delight at the mere thought! I knew she had a crush on me, but yare yare, not this much of one!
Filia: *Twitch*
One, You're like a dream come true
Xel: --Including the last part, where you learned that the dream was really a nightmare! ^^ *Takes out blowtorch and burns Filia's house down for the heck of it*
Filia: *Glows gold* NAMAGOMI…!!!
Xel: Yare, yare, Filia-san, I think that 'liking Mazoku' commentary from before was even more on the mark! After all, if you transform--
Filia: *Begins transforming to dragon form* GRRRRRR!!!
Xel: *Smirks* --You'll have to be naked in-between.
Filia: OO *Turns bright red in rage and embarrassment and reverses the transformation before she goes fully dragon* *Whips Mace-sama out instead* NAMAGOMI!!!! *Mashes Xel's head in repeatedly* HOW DARE YOU SIT AND WATCH ME TRANSFORM, YOU ECCHI, NASTY, SCUMMY, DIRTY, ROTTON, OBNOXIOUS….MAZOKU!!!
Xel: *Grinz before he is turned into a purple pancake by Mace-sama and thinks that he's going to burn down Filia's new house as soon as it's rebuilt, too*
Two, Just want to be with you
Xel: --And make you miserable, of course--that's why I'm here, Filia-san!
Filia: *Glaring at him and bending Mace-sama's spikes (which were bent on a certain purple-haired Mazoku's baka atama) back into shape for a second round of brawling* *Sarcastically* So glad you're here, Namagomi!
Xel: ^^ Ah, I knew you had a crush on me, Filia-san!
Filia: *Eyes glow with fire* WHAT?!
Xel: *Grinz and waits for the Mace to fall (he doesn't have long to wait!)*
Three, Girl it's plain to see
Xel: --That you can't see! ^^ Look at that pink, ruffly, frilly thing you're wearing--you must be blind to have that kind of fashion sense!
Filia: *Growls in a Valgaav-ish manner and starts blaring Amelia's 'Life Is Wonderful' CD at full volume from a boom box*
Xel: OO *Twitchs slightly and falls over like a tree*
Filia: *Grins wickedly* Isn't life wonderful, Xellos-san?
Xel: *Groans and makes a mental note: don't diss a golden dragon's fashion sense*
That you're the only one for me and
Xel: --You'll never be able to get rid of me, either! ^^
Filia: Hmmm… *Pulls out boom box and grinz*
Xel: *Pales visibly as she presses the play button and phases out before the 'Life Is Wonderful' CD can start playing*
Filia: *Snickers as 'Somewhere In The World' starts playing, and begins to sing along* Somewhere in the world, somewhere in the dark…
Four, repeat steps one through three
Xel: --And minus two and three, since Filia-san gets the upper hand in those steps!
Filia: Can we see whose pride was damaged recently? *Smirks smugly*
Five, make you fall in love with me
Xel: --And if that fails, just torment you for life! ^^
If ever I believe my work is done
Xel: --Which it never is, because the work of a Professional Fruitcake and Tormentor of Filia-san ™ is never done!
Then I'll start back at one
Xel: --And never go back to two and three, where Filia-san got the best of me! ^^ That rhymed! I could be a poet!
Filia: *Looks ill* Don't--you'd contaminate people just by having them read your writing!
Xel: ^^ That's the point, Filia-san!
It's so incredible,
Filia: --That I haven't committed suicide yet. *Looks droll*
Xel: ^^ Aw, but than I wouldn't have anyone to torment! Life would be no fun at all!
Filia: …Sort of makes me want to kill myself just to spite him…
The way things work themselves out
Xel: --of the good times and into the bad! ^^ Aah, I wish there was some sort of crisis going on right now… The fear, the pain, the panic! *puts on bib that says 'Kiss me, I'm a Purple-haired Mazoku Fruitcake'* Mm, good stuff!
Filia: You make me sick! *Let's Mace-sama 'kiss' Xellos--right on the nose, smashing it into his face*
Xel: ^^ Life is goooood!
And all emotional,
Filia: --Though not necessarily good emotions…
Xel: Ooh, I hope they're terrible, horrible, heart-wrenching ones! *Grinz and is pounded by Mace-sama once more* You know, it's a good thing I don't bleed--I would've died a long time ago from all these spike puncture wounds if I did! ^^ And then how would I have any fun at all? *Falls over into a twitching heap, smiling all the way*
Once you know what it's all about, hey
Filia: --You decide that you didn't want to know. *Glances at Xellos, who is grinning as he rigs a doorknob to electrocute whoever turns it* Trust me.
And undesirable,
Filia: --For you to be cursed like I am. *Smashes Xel's head with Mace-sama in an offhand manner* *Smiles tightly, with fangs poking out of her mouth, and twitches a bit* Namagomi!
For us to be apart,
Xel: --Would be most unfortunate, because then I couldn't be there to torment Filia-san!
Filia: *Sarcastically* Oh, I would be so down on my luck… *Polishes Mace-sama* Though Mace-sama would get a bit rusty from disuse, I suppose… *Sigh* Guess Namagomi's obnoxious existence is beneficial for one of us, hm, Mace-sama-kun?
I never would have made it very far
Xel: --From home if it weren't for Zelas-sama! ^^ So now I'd like to take a moment to thank Zelas-sama--thanks for booting me out on my backside and telling me to learn to be a smartass or you'd find a new servant and have them kill me to prove themselves, Zelas-sama! You're such a caring person! ^^ *Holds up sign that says 'Zelas-sama Banzai!'*
Girl you know you hold the keys to my heart
Xel: --Not that it'll help you much--this heart's about as much a part of my real form as you're hurting me when you hit me with Mace-sama!
Say farewell to the dark of night
Xel: --Aww… *Pouts because the dark of night has to go already*
I see the coming of the sun
Filia: *Looks relieved* At last! *Squishes Xellos under Mace-sama* Good morning, Namagomi!
Xel: *Smiles with swirlies around his head* Now it is, Filia-san!
I feel like a little child
Xel: --And children came up with THIS really handy little trick! *Sticks out tongue and pulls down eyelid* BE-DA!
Filia: *Sticks out tongue (around fangs, mind you) and pulls down eyelid, too* BE-DA!
Both: *Continue this--can't we see how mature they are? ^^;;*
Who's life has just begun
Xel: --And is about to end! ^^ How tragic! How depressing! *Tries in vain to get readers depressed, 'cause he's starving, but this's a humor fic, so he's outta luck*
You came and brought new life into
Xel: --My ecchi lifestyle!
Filia: DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!! *Gets so mad she transforms regardless of whether she gets naked or not, much to Xellos' amusement, and starts frying everything in sight with her laser breath*
Xel: *Charcoaled and grinning merrily all the while* Life sucks--that's why I'm so very happy! *Coughs a small puff of smoke and falls into a heap of black ash and dust*
Filia: Oo;; I…actually killed him? *Starts to look panicked* I--how could I have? He's supposed to be unbeatable! He not supposed to…t-to die!! *Floodcries hysterically*
Xel: *Has since then reformed and phased behind a tree to watch her reaction**Grinz wickedly and snickers silently to himself, deciding to let Filia figure out for herself that he's still there--one, because she'd probably end up hugging him, and two because the longer it takes her to figure it out, the angrier she'll be at him for not telling her--which equals pain!* ^^ *Thinks* Hehehe--this's way more fun than chasing Lina and Gourry around!
This lonely heart of mine
Filia: --Is broken! How could I? I'm a murderer! Well, he was a Mazoku, which is technically an animal, not anything you can murder, but still… I killed somebody! I killed somebody! *Floodcries some more*
You threw out the lifeline
Xel: *Gets tired of watching Filia floodcry, as she's much more fun to tease, and besides, her anger tastes better than her tears**Phases in right in the middle of the clearing, snatches Mace-sama and grinz* Yare, yare, Filia-san! Mace-sama's not busted--why are you crying? *Looks genuinely puzzled, just for the heck of it and to keep his lying skills honed*
Filia: *Sees him, realizes he's not dead and smiles, leaping to her feet* NAMAGOMI! *Huggles Xellos, much to his chagrin, and then snatches Mace-sama back--and pounds his head in with it* This means you really are indestructible--which means I can hit you all I want!!
Xel: ^^;; Uh, right… *Is pounded and the head and grins dizzily* Aaahhh, I love spikes, spikes in my heeeeeaaaaad…. *Falls over with a dull 'thud', sending up small puffs of dust from the ground**Twitch**Twitchtwitch*
Filia: *Grinz with fangs and does a victory sign* ^^V
Just in the nick of time
Xel: *Meticulously nicks time with a sharp dagger* Gotcha! ^^ *Fails to mention that the 'nick' is in the shape of Filia in the middle of her transformation to dragon form*
One, You're like a dream come true
Filia: --But unfortunately Namagomi scared all of the good parts of the dream away with his voice alone!
Xel: *Frowns* What's wrong with my voice, Filia-san? Filia-san? *Is ignored by a certain golden dragon, who is quite enjoying getting under his skin for once*
Two, Just want to be with you
Xel: --After all, misery loves company, and so if you're miserable, then maybe I'll be miserable, and that's a good thing for me, because being miserable makes me happy! ^^
Filia: *Twitch* Not only is he insane, sado-masochistic and a fruitcake, but now he's contradicting himself!
Three, Girl it's plain to see
Filia: --That I've got the short end of the stick when it comes to a happy, peaceful lifestyle? *Glances behind her, where Xellos is torching the yard and trees in front of the remains of her house and only drolly blinks before turning back to readers* And I'm not joking. You've gotta be blind not to see that. *Indicates Xellos, who is now having tea amidst the cinders that remain of her property*
That you're the only one for me and
Xel: *Sings badly in a really high voice just to be irritating* --I'll never find another girl like yooooooooooouuuuuu! *Grinz and begins to sing a whole concert*
Filia: *Ponders seriously, all the while twitching slightly with a vein raised on her forehead and fangs poking out of her mouth* Should I plug my ears, or just cut them off?
Four, repeat steps one through three
Xel: --Minus two and three! ^~
Filia: Plus two extra steps, which are two and three repeated!
Xel: Minus!
Filia: Plus!
Xel: Minus!
Filia: Plus!
Xel: MINUS! BE-DA! *Sticks out tongue and pulls down eyelid*
Filia: PLUS! BEEEEE-DAAAAAA! *Sticks out tongue, pulls down eyelid and makes evil eyebrows*
Xel: *Bursts out laughing at her face* Hahahahahaha!! ^^ That was well worth losing the argument over! Hahaha! *Cackles to himself*
Filia: *Twitches* NAMAGOMI….!!
Five, make you fall in love with me
Filia: --Which isn't ever going to happen! Would you fall in love? With THAT? *Indicates Xellos, who is grinning like the cheshire cat and setting up some kind of detonator*
BOOOOOOOOM!!!
Xel: And the teashop goes where your house went, Filia-san! ^^
Filia: *Faints momentarily, than wakes up to rampage around town after a certain murasaki atama no Mazoku*
If ever I believe my work is done
Filia: *Sighs wearily as she begins picking through the remains of her tea shop* --Which I'd never be stupid enough to believe, because a tormented golden dragon maiden's work is never done.
Xel: ^^ Of course not, with someone like me around! Oh, by the way… *Grinz and indicates the raging mob behind him* The townspeople want to know why you rampaged and trampled their village, Filia-san! I just knew you could explain, so I brought them here to have a nice chat!
Villagers: *wield pitchforks and clubs* GRRRRRRR!!!
Filia: OO;; *Gulp*
Then I'll start back at one
Xel: *Decides that the fic was better before the village was destroyed, as then there was a prospective damage area nearby, and so rewinds the fic to the start* ^^V
Filia: NOT AGAIN… *Faints and lays in a heap with swirly eyeballs*
Xel: *Shrug* We'll play the destruction game again tomorrow, Filia-san! *Waves and phases out, leaving a zoned-out Filia and a whole slew of destruction in his wake*