SLASH: The Field Study Of An Unknown World
By. Lady Geuna
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Disclaimer: Harry Potter does not belong to me, it never has, and it never will. Harry and everything (and everyone) else in the HP world belong to J.K. Rowling. So neither will any of the hot... er, never mind...
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SORRY for any grammar mistakes, I just had this idea and got it out, and wasn't able to do anything other than spell check, k?
NOTE to those who enter...
Yes, this is exactly what you think it is. A full analysis and research of SLASH, made by me and carried out by all the original HP characters as they enter into the /living/ world of FF.net fanfiction.
THIS FIC IS /NOT/ pro-SLASH /AND/ NOT anti-SLASH!!!
I say it AGAIN~
NOT pro-SLASH
NOT anti-SLASH
It's balancing on the fine line in-between. Who do and do not like this will enjoy this fic, trust me!
Couples included: (Everyone, anyone, you name it, you pair it. If you want a couple "examined", just write it in a review!)
Characters included as of right /now/: Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Ron Weasley, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Severus Snape, and more to come.
(Possibly, if you so wish) Tom Riddle (the evil ones are always the /hot/ ones), Lucius Malfoy, Percy, Bill, Fred, George, and Mr. Arthur Weasley, JAMES Potter, Cedric Diggory, and maybe even others from the Gryffindor dormitory.
Don't be scared, this is just good fun. And it's not poking fun at SLASH writers, okay? Far from it. I like some SLASH now and then, but have you ever wonder what the REAL HP characters think of it...?
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Introduction:
In a small room, Harry Potter stands next to what looks like a relatively large box cover with a cloth. Around him are five chairs, all of them occupied, and two of them seated far away from the others. Harry blushes slightly and bows, seeing that a reader was there.
"Hello, I'm Harry Potter. Yes, yes, "The-Boy-Who-Lived", blah, blah, blah." He rolls his eyes, as if everyone should know this by now (1), but he's reading off a note card. He takes another glance at it and continues. "You are here to watch and even /participate/ in the field study of.... SLASH." He shivered slightly as the thought of a Harry/Draco pairing flashed in his mind. "The purpose is to discover the truth, but..." He adjusts his glasses for a moment, reading off a set of note cards carefully. "You can't handle the truth... This cards are crap... Total rubbish..."
"Harry, you shouldn't curse. This isn't being censored like in the books..."
"Oh... oops, thanks Ron." Harry cleared his throat, wearing an expression that said, 'What the me...? That wasn't me..' "Sorry if I scarred any of you poor... readers... It slipped. But I'm not making any promises that it won't happen again. I'm almost 15 (as of the fourth book), and I'm starting to get all moody. Besides, you can't be anymore scarred than I am..."
"Nice joke, Potter."
"Stuff it, you Slytherin git!"
"You /shouldn't/ curse," a voice insisted loudly.
"Sirius, not now!"
"If /I/ had brought you up instead of those muggle bas-"
"SIRIUS!!"
"... Sorry, Remus...."
"This /is/ rubbish," said a cold voice venomously, "listen you all you blithering idiots."
Sirius. "Shut-up you bloody git."
"What was that about /cursing/, Black!?"
"HA! That can't be censored, it's always been in the book!"
Harry Sighed, deciding to throw the note cards aside. "Getting to the /point/! This whole experiment had been put together in order to find the truth--..."
"--outright vindictive slander..."
"... or /inaccuracy/ of SLASH. Here to participate in this study is Ron Weasley, my best friend!"
Ron waved excitedly. "Hi Mom, Dad, Fred, George, Ginny, Bill, Pe---!"
"We don't have all day, Weasel. Shut-up already."
"Draco," Harry said slowly, "leave Ron alone already. /Ahem/... We also have Draco Malfoy...To our utmost disgust..." He muttered the last part under his breath. (2a)
Draco just smirked, winking at the "audience". (2b)
"My Godfather, Sirius Black, and his best friend Professor Remus Lupin."
Sirius nodded, his face expressionless. Lupin waves with a cute smile, looking very nervous.
"And... Professor Severus Snape..." Harry shoots a nervous look back at his brooding potions professor, who's trying to burn a hole in his back by just glaring. "Why he's here I don't know..."
Snape lets out an audible low growl.
Harry gulp, silently praying that Snape wouldn't start taking points off Griffindorr. "We're all here due to the authoress Geuna and her seemingly magical notebook. Whatever she writes in it becomes reality somehow, so she wrote us all here."
"No one should have such God like power," Snape muttered, shaking his head.
"That's sort of creepy," Ron said, looking around nervously. "She might be watching us right now." (3a)
"I wouldn't doubt it for a second," Harry muttered. "Well, we have all been given a journal and quill. During our travels, we are to write down our experiences or what we have found that may explain the purposes of SLASH, and if any of it makes sense. As you were told before, this is a /Field/ Study. We have to go out and meet these "SLASH" couples firsthand in the fanfic world, a.k.a. FF.net. Only one of use can go at a time, however."
"What is an 'FF.net'," Draco asked lazily.
"This." Harry removed the cloth from the "box" to reveal a computer, the site "FF.net" showing on the screen in all it's fanficional (3b) glory. "Behold, the internet!"
"..... What?"
"Gee, you can't be a little more excited, can you, Malfoy."
"I have no interest in things that are muggle."
"But muggle technology shouldn't work here," Lupin said, tapping his chin in thought. "Now can we use it?"
Harry shrugged. "This is different. It's sort of like what Mr. Weasly did to your car, Ron. It's enchanted. He held up his hand and gestured toward the screen. "This computer can take one of us into it, and recreate the story into what would seem like reality. Like Tom Riddle's diary, but you'll be able to interact."
Draco looked exasperated, eyeing the machine like it was going to explode. "Why can't we just /read/ the stupid thing!?"
"I'm just the messenger here, blah the women who brought us here! And that's why it's a FEILD study, Malfoy."
"Shut-up, Potter."
"Don't talk to my Grandson like that," Sirius growled maliciously, his teeth slightly bard. "Or I'll change and bite you in a minute." Draco cringed back slightly and managed to become paler than he already was.
"That's no way to speak to children, Black," Snape hissed, his eyes narrowing.
"I'll bite you, too!"
"For your information," Draco said loudly, " I HAVE read SLASH fanfiction.... Unfortunately."
Ron ogled over the computer, fascinated. "Wow, Dad would LOVE this!"
"Let's get this over with," Snape shouted. "I don't have time to listen to this constant babbling! I have classes to teach, potion to make!"
"I hate to say it," Sirius said slowly, "but he's right. I AM on the run from the Ministry."
Lupin frowned. "How does this work, Harry?"
Harry pulled something out of his pocket. A set of instructions. "Le' me see... Ah, it seems simple enough. Geuna made it ABC here." He held out his wand. "You--"
"Why do you get a wand," Draco said quickly, glared at him.
"I told you that earlier! You not allowed your wands until you're ready to participate! If you HAD your wands all this time, you would've blown each other to bits by now! Besides, /I/ need a wand to demonstrate."
Draco didn't say anything after this, choosing to glare bloody daggers at Harry instead of yelling at him.
"As I was /saying/, you hold out your wand, tap three times on the screen, and say 'Donsubia'. Got it?"
Ron made a face. "Don-sob-i-a... What?"
"Don-SUB-i-a. And don't ask." Harry read over the directions quickly. "The computer sort of acts like a Portkey. You'll be taken into the system, and you'll see what are called "links". Find the word "books", and tap on it twice like this." He did a quick motion with his wand. "And it will lead you forward into another section. Fine "Harry Potter" and do that same. Then find your fanfic destination. I have to list right here." Harry held up a list of fanfic titles. "Once you're inside, you can travel around freely, and everything well seem perfectly real. "Licks" to go through or out of the fic are hidden, but if you want to return instantly to the real world, you to this." He tapped himself on the head four times. "And say 'Retania'. Okay?"
They all nodded slowly.
"I don't understand anything just the spell," Draco said simply. "Muggle technology is much too... complicated."
"Only for the lesser minded," Harry muttered.
"/What/ did you say, Potter."
Harry smiled brightly and shrugged. "Oh, nothing!"
Lupin and Sirius gave Harry the thumps up, snickering. Snape and Draco both glared at them.
Ron took the list of times from Harry and read over it, Lupin looking over his shoulder. (These titles aren't real fic, I made them up! If there are real stories that go along with these title, please disregard them!!!) "Love, Hate and Everything In Between. In The Dark. Harry and the Dark Stranger. A Simple Kiss.... What the *^!#%~!...?" Be blushed at some of the names.
Lupin frowned. "Most of these are rated PG-13..."
"We shouldn't expect any less," Draco mutter spitefully, his eyes glinting slightly, however.
"Watch it," Lupin warned. "You forgot, and from what I understand, this Geuna has the power of an Author. She can do horrible things if she wants to. Or send someone that we really hate. Like Lucius," Draco grinned at this, "or even... Riddle... But maybe she can send James...?"
Sirius's eyes widened. "/James/!?"
Harry made a face. "/Riddle/!?"
"She can do that?"
"The power," Snape shuttered. "The sheer /power/..."
(Author Geuna: Damn straight!)
Snape jumped up. "Who was that!?"
(Author Geuna: The demi-goddess you should all fear! (insert maniacal laughter))
Harry grinned at the sight of a petrified Snape. "Did I forget to mention that Geuna can speak to us in the form of an ominous voice?"
"Damn you Potter!"
"Watch it, Snape," Sirius screamed.
"Oh, go chew on a dog toy to bloody mutt!"
"You damn piece of filth!"
"Come on Sirius," Lupin insisted, he's just trying to egg you on..."
"Stay out of this, Moony!" He heard Snape snicker at the sound of his best-friend's nick name, feeling ready to explode. He quickly jumped at Snape, fists flying. "Don't need a wand to kick your ass, Severus!!"
"Neither do I you damn animal!!"
When trying to throttle each other didn't work, Snape was the first to resort to hair pulling.
"AAAOOOOW!!! GET OF ME YOU SNAKE-OOOW!!!"
Snape snickered, pulling harder on Sirius's long dark hair. It was very embarrassing for Sirius, as everyone in the room was watching and not daring to interfere. Draco was the only one laughing. For a moment, Sirius thought of trying to rip out Snape's hair as well, but thought against it. Who would want to touch a bush of /grease/!? In the end, Sirius did the only sensible thing he could think of.
He changed into his Animagus and bite Snape in the leg. Hard.
"AAAAAAAAAAARRGGHH!!! GET OFF ME!!!" But he felt to the floor, his balance lost as Sirius continued his attack.
(Geuna: Break it up!!! Or I'll send Lucius, James AND Riddle in here to keep you in line!)
There was the sound of cloth tearing as Sirius backed away from Snape, his tail between his legs, and a large piece of black cloth in his jaws. He continued glaring at Snape as the rather pasty (in a GOOD way) man nursed his injured leg, muttering curses under his breath. Sirius trotted over to Lupin and Harry, his tail wagging, and presented the piece of cloth like a trophy. Harry patted him on the head happily while Lupin shook his head in disbelief. (4) Sirius changes back into a human, smirking. I told you I bite. (5a)
(Geuna: If it makes you feel any better, I made sure there are NO leather related Draco situations in any of the fanfics your be going into... Well, not /many/ away. People like to associate Draco with leather. Actually, I've seen more fics with SNAPE in leather than I have Draco...(5b))
Snape, whose /body/ turned bright red, became unusually still all of a sudden. Everyone else in the room regarded the last statement with utmost horror and disgust.
"God, I didn't need to hear that," Sirius said, looking like he was going to throw-up.
"My ears," Harry screamed, clutching his hands over his ears as if he were in pain.
Lupin patted the boy on the shoulder. "I'm /so/ sorry you had to hear that, Harry."
"I'm going to have nightmare for the rest of my life," Ron whispered, a look of horror still panted on his face.
Draco remained silent, as still as Snape, and looking as horrified as Ron.
(Geuna: God, you people are going to /die/ out there in the "wild"... Wait until we get to a Snape/? coupling!)
Draco suddenly snapped out of it, jumping to his feet. "Well, Potter," he said loudly, smiling and walking over to slap Harry on the back, /hard/. "Good luck!"
Harry blached. "'Good luck'...? Wait-a-minute, /I'm/ not going first!"
"He doesn't take orders from you," Ron snapped, coming to Harry's defense.
"Why do I have to go in first!?"
The blond rolled his eyes at the ceiling. "/Obviously/, you're the hero, and as such it's your disposition to begin the execution this parolees mission. The first. In the led. The catalyst of what is to come. So hop to it, my boy! Or what, are you /scared/!?" Draco snicker loudly. Snape smirked, proud of the young Slytherin's shot against "Golden Boy".
(Geuna: You're next, sweetie. And you, too, Mr. Pasty Face Potions Professor, who's always in LEATHER!. (6a)(6b))
Draco and Snape curse simultaneously.
(Geuna: I'll leave you guys too it now, and DON'T for get to record what you find! If I can get enough proof and data, I have a chance of this becoming a Scientific Theory!!)
"You sound like Herminone," Ron mutter suspiciously. "And neither of you make any sense."
Lupin and Sirius looked at each other questioningly, mouthing out, ""Scientific Theory"...?"
(Geuna: So go on Harry, hop-hop!)
Harry groaned. "I'm going to regret this...." He took a deep breath and turned to the computer screen. He tapped it with his wand three times, shouting "Donsubia!"
He felt the sensation and being thrown up into a whirlwind as was taken to a world where SLASH reigned supreme...
To be continued...?
The SLASH, of Harry/Draco!
DUN, DUN, DUUUN!!!
And such.
(1) And they do, mind you.
(2a Draco fangirls shoot daggers at Harry.
(2b) Draco fangirls melt into happy puddles...
(3a) Oooh yes, I am /always/ watching...
(3b) I know, "fanfictional" wasn't a word, but it is now! (clicks 'add' to computer dictionary list happily)
(4) Aaaaw, isn't Lupin cute!!
(5a) Heehee, he "bites", get it? (giggles evilly))
(5b) Well, it's true, and supposedly he looks really hot, but who wants to see DRACO in leather!? (Geuna raises her hand eagerly)
(6a) Actually, they're both sort of pasty... In a weird, /Goth/ sort of way, which isn't back in itself...
(6b) Oooh! That rhymed!
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To be continued???
Yes, this first part is only meant as an intro, stuff's going to HAPPEN next time!
Only if you want it, people! And if so, what SLASH do you want!? Only time will tell here! And so far it's going to be Harry/Draco next! It's aaaall up to you!
This is JUST the intro, after all! Can SLASH really exist? Can they find PROOF that it exists!? Wait and see, if you dare!
Sorry for any bad grammar. Other chapters will be better, I promise.
Geuna~