Title: Ready
Author: Spin
Rating: PG (I don't really write much higher...)
Category: HMS (how could I write anything else?)
Summary: Harm and Mac have a talk on the carrier and Harm decides he's finally 'ready'.
Disclaimer: I would pay all my money to get em, but as of now I don't own anything JAG related besides the eps I've got on tape to watch when there isn't one on USA. (oh, and my JAG shirts... they're hand made by me... lots of JAG pics and sometimes a poem or something on them... my friend and I occasionally wear them on Tuesdays to show our love)
AN1: Just some fluff for your enjoyment... and mine. Don't read if you want any sort of plot or excitement.
************************************************************************
2200 Hours
Aboard the Seahawk
Always the gentleman, Harm opened the door and waited for Mac to pass through first before following her and shutting the door behind him. The temperature outside was slightly higher than inside the ship, but the strong breeze blowing from the sea was enough to make it quite comfortable. The humidity only made the night more appealing by adding to the exotic pathos. The wind ruffled Mac's short brown hair appealingly, but it made conversation a bit difficult so Harm suggested they move to a slightly more sheltered part of the little balcony-like structure they were on. They moved about ten feet down to the right and then settled themselves with the lower noise level. Almost in unison they leaned up against the rails, elbows supporting them, hands clasped out above the water. Mac turned her head and gave Harm a slight smile. It seemed somewhat forced.
"So you decided to be a hero again today, huh Flyboy?" she asked with feigned playfulness. Her eyes gave her away. They were filled with worry.
Harm mustered a little courage and put an arm around Mac's shoulders, pulling her into a semi-embrace. He placed a friendly kiss on top her head and smoothed a lock of hair away from her forehead. He wore no smile and his eyes were solemn.
"Mac... I know I've always been one for heroics, and saving a life is the most important thing I can think to do, but I never do anything if I think it will take me away from you. I can save a hundred lives of people I've never met, and that would be wonderful, but your life is the most important to me. I only take risks when I think I'll get out of them ok. I'm not reckless. I wouldn't do that to you, Ninja Girl."
A tear slipped slowly down Mac's porcelain cheek and dangled on the edge of her upper lip. Harm looked down into her eyes as he cautiously ran his thumb over her lips to wipe away the tear. His intense gaze and loving caress made Mac's breath catch as her heart rate rose considerably. Harm sought permission in her gaze, and believing he had it, bent his head towards hers. Their lips met and clung for a moment before Harm forced himself to pull away.
Mac's lips tingled and she felt pleasant warmth flowing through her veins. She tried to keep her hopes from soaring by telling herself that it had only been a friendly kiss and in fact the actual kiss would appear to most as completely innocent, but deep down Mac knew that wasn't the case. His kiss had been searing even though it was brief and light. But more than the kiss itself, Mac was elated because he had initiated it. Finally it wasn't just her looking for something more than friendship. She opened her eyes and stared at him for a couple seconds before speaking.
"Harm?" She let her sentence drift off after only one word. She didn't want to have to ask straight out what he'd meant by kissing her and risk being embarrassed if he wanted to shrug it off and keep up his facade. She'd promised herself she'd never be the fool again.
Harm sighed and then spoke before he lost his nerve.
"Mac, I don't want to be just your friend anymore. I don't want to keep brooding about the past. I don't want to ignore what's right in front of me anymore."
He paused briefly to let his meaning sink in before continuing. Tears began to form in Mac's eyes.
"Mac, when I first met you I knew you were something special, but I tried to ignore that by telling myself you only seemed so great because I saw Dianne when I looked at you. After a while though, you became my friend and I realized you and Dianne had nothing more than your facial structure in common. The more I got to know you, the more amazing you seemed. About a year into our partnership it hit me that you were the best friend I had ever had. You meant more to me than anyone else in the world. That scared me."
Again Harm stopped. He wanted to get this right and he needed to get all his thought in order. He boldly met Mac's watery gaze and continued.
"I didn't even realize it was happening at first, but as our friendship progressed slowly but surely I was falling in love with you. Each time I saw you my breath would catch. My day just wasn't complete if I didn't get to watch you walk into JAG. Our banter was one of the reasons I loved my job so much. I tried desperately to deny the facts, even from myself, but they were undeniable. I remember finally admitted to myself that I was in love with you. It was two in the morning and I hadn't been able to stop thinking about you all night. My first impulse was to call you and tell you how I felt but I didn't want to wake you. After another hour thinking in bed though I was terrified... Getting involved with you could ruin everything. I could ruin everything if I convinced you to let me get that close. I've never had the best track record with relationships and I was convinced that if I ever told you the truth and God blessed me by making you feel the same, I'd break your heart. And it broke my heart to think of the possibility that you might reject my heart if I ever offered it. I had nightmares of telling you how I felt and you transferring away from JAG. Not getting to be with you every day would kill me, Mac. So I kept it all to myself. I made the resolve to be strictly a big brother role in your life. Even if it hurt like hell to watch you kiss other men."
A tear slipped rebelliously down Harm's cheek and he took a deep breath to keep from crying. He'd always kept his emotions on a tight leash and now that he was releasing them they just seemed to be going crazy. His instinct told him to stop right now and close up again. But he needed her to see. He needed to open up for her. She needed to know the truth no matter what the result would be.
"When Brumby came I was just starting to work my way towards coming out with the truth. The talk we had on that ferry in Sydney Harbor cracked my resolve. I was hurting you by not telling you, and the whole point of my silence had been to keep you from pain. But then you took Brumby's ring. I thought that meant you had moved on. When you made the engagement official... I don't think any physical pain I've ever endured hurt as much as that. I contemplated leaving JAG and you, but I just couldn't imagine not getting to see your smile, even if it was directed at someone else. That night on the porch was not meant to end up the way it did. I just wanted to tell you that I was going to support you despite any decisions you ever made. I just wanted to let you know that I would always be there for you. But when you kissed me goodbye I just couldn't let go. I cried myself to sleep that night."
Mac's eyes widened at the announcement. Harm almost never cried. She felt Harm's other arm pull her closer towards him and he inhaled deeply. Both of her hands were on his chest and she could feel his heart racing. She looked up, and saw through her blurred vision that she wasn't the only one crying now. Mac reached up and wiped some tears from Harm's cheeks but he grabbed her hands and held them within his.
"Mac, what I feel for you is more powerful than I can ever describe. When I'm not with you my world stops spinning. You fill all the parts of me that are lacking. I want to spend every day for the rest of my life trying to make you feel as happy as you make me just by being in my arms."
Mac began to bawl. She freed her hands from Harm's, wrapped them around his neck and pulled him into a fierce hug. Harm's arms automatically wrapped themselves around her slim waist and held her tightly. He cried silently with his head rested on her shoulder. Finally their cries died down and Mac released her death grip on his neck. She allowed him to move away only as far as was necessary for her to look him in the eyes.
She wasted only a brief moment before pulling his face down to hers and kissing him with all the love she'd held inside for so many years. Her hands wove through his hair and it felt just as she'd always imagined. He held her close but gently as if holding a most precious and delicate treasure. No one but Harm could make her feel so utterly contented. They broke their lip lock for air but continued to hold each other. Mac caught her breath and then spoke into Harm's ear.
"You've already made me that happy. I love you too, Harm."
AN2: I loooooove reviews but don't be too harsh. I'm only 14 for crying out loud... I can't be a grand author yet. Helpful suggestions or just kind reviews are very much welcomed. Thanx!