Chapter Two
She could feel him. It pulled her out of the meditative state she'd fallen into. He was so close... Oh, God... She could feel him, right outside. In the yard somewhere, maybe... Nearby, not just in Tokyo... He had come back... God, please give me strength...
She opened her eyes, staring at the alter directly in front of her. She had not moved since she entered the training hall and sat down to pray. She prayed more now, more than she ever had while he was there... Perhaps she simply needed it now.
She could hear the wind rise outside, a cold February wind. She knew how biting it was outside... Carried by the noise of the wind, the knock at the dojo door sounded just as close as if Kaoru were standing right in the front hall. She tensed. No one's going to answer that door, she though pointedly. You'll have to come find me... But I can't guarantee that I'll welcome you back the way I would have, once...
Finally, saying another prayer and apologizing for the interruption, Kaoru rose. Taking a shinai from the rack against the wall, she began to practice. Her attention fell away from Kenshin's presence and the heavy pain in her heart as she concentrated on improving the unearthly speed she had cultivated over the past two years.
Kenshin sat down on the steps, setting his pack against the railing. He rested his forearms on his knees, looking out at the all-too-familiar dojo yard. What do you want to do...? Go and talk to her, or leave her a note, and hope that she doesn't burn it to curse you? He sighed. The truth is... I know she's in the practice hall... I can feel her... But...
Shaking his head, he stood. He smoothed out his kimono, trying to push his short hair, which the wind had blown askew, back into some semblance of order. But the wind continued, cold and brisk, and he gave up, heading around the side of the building towards the back yard.
He saw her the moment the practice hall came into view. She was moving with a speed and elegance he didn't remember her having before, but he forced himself to be indifferent to her newfound skill. What does it matter to you, now? That's not any concern of yours...
Stop hiding. Her voice rang out across the yard, cold like the wind was cold, stinging him with its detachment. I know you're there, Kenshin.
With a sigh, he moved into view, each step a tiny battle with his fear. Once he knew she could see him, he bowed. Good evening, Kaoru-dono, he said softly.
Kaoru descended from the training hall, her composure strangely regal, cold and proud. She looked at him with impassive blue eyes. You've come back. It was not a question, a plea, an expression of joy... Kenshin wondered what words meant when a person said them with so little compassion.
he said. I've come to Tokyo looking for work. ... Kyoto - does not want me.
Kaoru stood in front of him, her arms crossed over her chest. She raised one thin eyebrow, though even in mocking him her actions lacked that definite fire she'd always had.
The redhead studied his hands for a long moment. Don't hold back, he told himself. Be honest with her... This is your only chance... I was in prison there, he admitted softly. So it's hardly surprising that they have no love for me there...
Kaoru said archly. And just what did you do to deserve that?
Kenshin's expression said very clearly, Is that a joke?' Kaoru was almost surprised by the bitterness on his drawn, pale face, but she realized that her own bitterness probably matched his. What haven't I done, Kaoru-dono?
She didn't miss a beat. Stayed where you belonged. She looked away from Kenshin, up at the moon, which was hanging, white and bright in the newly dark sky. I will not break down, she promised herself. Not this time... Not this time...!
Kenshin laughed softly, bitterly, surprising himself. He couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed.
Kaoru shook her head, fierce anger building inside her. She clenched her fists, forced herself not to slap him.
I think you've hit the nail on the head, he said.
Her self-control had never been exemplary. She stepped forward and slapped him, hard, across the cheek with the flat of her hand. His startled gasp gave her a distinct pleasure. Kenshin's hand crept up to touch his red cheek as he took a half-step back, away from Kaoru.
You never did understand, did you? she hissed. Or were you too scared?!
He shook his head, his hand dropping back to his side. The truth is... The truth is, I don't know what I did. His voice was soft, a little apologetic. Rather, I know that I have done many things, but I don't know which one I was imprisoned for. Perhaps all of them...
Kaoru snorted. Well, now you're back, she said, shrugging slightly. But don't expect a warm welcome. Things have changed.
His shoulders sagged minutely. The look in his eyes was so... exhausted... But he didn't look away from her. Kaoru thought that he looked a half-century older than he really was, more tired and worn than he ever had been before. I know, he replied in that same, soft voice. I never expected any such thing... not here, or anywhere else...
Kaoru looked back at him evenly. You can stay here if you've got nowhere else to go, she said quietly. Your room is still empty She turned away, knowing that, if she continued to look at him, he would see her tears. It has been since you left. I won't cry, she told herself, biting her lip. I can't cry I won't cry It isn't worth it
Oh, God, he thought, looking down. Why did you have to say that? He struggled to think of an excuse I wouldn't want to impose.
You wouldn't be imposing any more than you ever did, she replied. That said, she pushed past him, pointedly ignoring the slight shock that surged up her arm as her sleeve brushed his.
Which was a great deal, Kenshin snapped. Kaoru turned around sharply, catching the redhead's expression. He looked a little stricken. Excuse me, he whispered, lowering his eyes.
There's soup in the kitchen , if you're hungry, she added, turning around and heading back towards the house. Good night, Kenshin. She went inside.
She flopped down on her bed, burying her head in the pillow. Why!? she protested silently, hot tears sliding down her cheeks and soaking into the pillow. Why did you have to come back? Yes, I've wanted you to come back. Every day, I've prayed that you would come back Every day, I've been dying without you At least, then, I could bear the pain Now
Kenshin said, more to himself than anyone else, as Kaoru had already disappeared inside the house. Good night. Realizing the futility of simply standing there, Kenshin turned around and walked back to the front porch to pick up his bag.
Kaoru! I came back t' get the rest of my stuff!!
Kenshin froze where he was, bent over, one hand on his bag. Oh, God There was Yahiko Kenshin could see him from the corner of his eye. The boy had just come through the gate. Kenshin realized that Yahiko couldn't see him in the dark, and was suddenly glad, even though it wouldn't postpone their meeting for more than a few seconds.
Kaoru sat bolt upright in bed, quickly drying her tears. Kaoru called. You're still going to teach, right?!
Yahiko passed Kenshin's doubled-over form with little more than a cold glance. You'd better have a good reason for coming back after so long, Yahiko thought as he slipped through the door. I swear, if you hurt her again, I'll hunt you down and kill you myself, Kaoru and Kasshin Ryu be damned.
Kenshin shuddered slightly, feeling the frigidity of Yahiko's hatred. He remained still, even while Yahiko was inside, gathering his things and speaking with Kaoru, and did not move until the boy had left the yard and was out of his sight.
Finally, minutes after Yahiko had left, Kenshin straightened, lifting his bag, and walked off the porch, moving to leave the dojo yard.
Kaoru shouted from the bedroom. Don't you dare even think about leaving until we've talked!
Kenshin stopped short, his head bowed. He walked back up to the porch, and stood in the open doorway. I was under the impression, Kaoru-dono, he said, loud enough for her to hear from the bedroom, that, when you walked away from me, you had dismissed my company. He wondered, in some half-forgotten part of his mind, why he was being so cold to Kaoru.
Kaoru frowned at her bedroom wall. I told you you could stay, and I meant it, she said decisively. Besides, with Yahiko moving into Sano's old place... I wouldn't really mind the company.
He wondered what part of that little speech had been truthful, what part affectation. I see...
Finish off the soup, she called. Don't worry, it won't poison you.
No, thank you, Kenshin replied. Good God, I don't think I could eat right now if I wanted to...
Well, then, wait a second. I'm coming out there so that we don't have to shout across the house. Kenshin sat down on the steps again, and Kaoru walked up behind him a few moments later, sitting down next to him.
she said, you really should eat something... You're starving.
I'm sorry, Kaoru, but if you're going to tell me how to take-
I mean it, Kaoru cut in. Your aura is weak for want of food... Your face is drawn... You may not have noticed it, but you are.
Kenshin closed his eyes for a moment, his lips pursed. What should I tell her...? About the sakabato...? About... No. No, she doesn't need to know that...
Kaoru sighed. Don't be so cold to him... This is it... What would you do if you drove him away now...? You're troubled, she said gently.
I'm sorry, he said quickly, the words tumbling from his lips without so much as a thought on his part.
Kaoru surprised herself by actually laughing, for the first time in a long while. Kenshin, chagrined, looked away, but did not blush.
Kaoru titled her head, studying him. What happened to you that your aura has faded so...?
After a moment's deliberation, Kenshin looked back at the young woman. There is a simple answer to that, and a practical answer... Simply put, I no longer practice Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu. He watched as Kaoru's expression melted from gentle concern to stunned disbelief. Is it so hard to believe...? he asked.
Kaoru looked down at the floor. Yes... It is... It was so much a part of who you were... Kenshin sighed quietly, and Kaoru decided not to press the issue. Anyway... I- I'm sorry I snapped at you. There, she said to herself once the words were out of her mouth. That wasn't so hard, was it...?
It's fine, Kenshin replied softly. He looked up at her, smiling, ever so slightly, his expression apologetic. For whatever many reasons you're angry at me, I deserve it...
The dark-haired girl shook her head, smiling - just a little - in return. I'm just glad you're back.
Kenshin leaned his arms on his thighs, propping his head in his hands. He closed his eyes and scrubbed his palms over his face, a shaky sigh escaping him.
I suppose... I suppose I should be angry... Kaoru couldn't bring herself to look at him. But... I can't... I'm not angry, just... empty... She sighed, echoing Kenshin. I've tried so many times to reach him, to make him understand... But I've never gotten through, not even after Enishi- Maybe now, now that he's come back, I'll be able to... The least I can do is try... And if my heart gets broken a third time, so be it... It can't get any- any worse than it was...
I... I didn't expect you to welcome me back, Kaoru-dono, Kenshin said, not lifting his head from his hands. His soft red hair fell about his hands, the ends curling around his ears and his cheekbones. I didn't even expect you to speak to me, really... I just... I just hoped that you didn't hate me...
Kaoru choked on a laugh. I couldn't hate you if I tried, she said. And, believe me, I tried. But I can't.
Then... Then I'm sorry for that, he replied, not looking at her. It probably would have been easier if you could have.
She took in a shaky breath. These past two years, I've thrown myself into my training, taking Kasshin Ryu to a level I doubt my father even realized was possible. I haven't allowed myself to feel anything, she admitted. After a pause, she continued, sadly, Yahiko once said that I'd become colder than Aoshi ever was... And he was right. Kaoru looked at him, a deep melancholy in her blue eyes. It's horrible... I've become someone I didn't think I could...
Kenshin looked at her, twisting his head in his hands to look at her, a sad expression on his pale features. Forgive me for saying so, but I can't believe that...
The young woman shook her head. I...I've tried to stop it... Around people I can put on a cheerful face... But when I'm alone...
Is that why you wanted company...? he asked quietly, dropping his gaze again.
She nodded. I'm afraid I'll lose what's left of who I once was... She looked up at the clear, crisp sky, and the moon hanging high above them, like a shining pearl. It was as though a new person had taken over my body, and I didn't realize it until it was too late...
I know...
I can't think, I can't feel... Yes, I teach- Or I used to, until Yahiko convinced me that I no longer had the passion for it that I used to... Now I just work on honing my skills... I feel like an empty shell being moved by some puppeteer... I can't stand it, but there's nothing I can do to stop it! Only then did Kaoru notice the hot tears that were sliding down her cheeks, years' worth of unshed tears. I feel so helpless! she cried.
Without looking at her, unable to face her tears, Kenshin said, You are the only one stopping yourself, Kaoru-dono...
I've tried... several times... to... She was surprised that she could say anything through the lump in her throat. Her breath was coming short, and she felt the need to sob. God... I've thought about ending it all, but I'd be leaving so many people behind who rely on me... I'm a- I'm a wreck, Kenshin... I put on a strong front, but, behind that mask, I'm like glass that's about to be shattered...
Kenshin said vehemently, taking her hand. He caught himself, and forced himself to calm down, letting her hand go. Although his voice was once more soft when he next spoke, it lacked none of the conviction it had held a moment before. Kaoru, death is never the answer to any problem, no matter what anyone says... Death- He swallowed against the thickness in his throat. - only ever leads to more death...
I know, Kaoru returned. It was the hope that you might, one day, come back that kept me alive this long... But if you hadn't come back... Her lips twisted in a rueful, mocking smile.
Kenshin moaned softly. Don't say that...
I'm sorry, the dark-haired woman said. I shouldn't burden you with my problems... You have enough of your own, I'm sure...
That isn't what I mean! He sounded hurt, and wouldn't meet her gaze anymore.
I'm sorry, she said again, her shoulders slumping a little.
I... didn't mean to shout at you...
She sighed. It's all right... I need that.
Kenshin rested his head in one hand, looking in Kaoru's direction without seeing. What have we done to ourselves...?
I don't know...
He was looking at her, then, and actually seeing her. He reached up, putting the back of his free hand against her cheek, watching Kaoru's reaction carefully. His hand was trembling, but his hands always trembled, now, he reminded himself.
Kaoru sighed, bringing one of her hands up and placing it over Kenshin's frail hand. Her voice was barely audible over the muted wail of the winds through the bare trees. Do you think... we could start over again...? Is it still possible...?
Kenshin straightened, looking the young woman in straight in the eye, his expression wistful. I wish we could, he replied honestly. It was practically all I thought about for two years... And every day, the possibility became more and more remote... I don't know...
Carefully, the blue-eyed girl laced her fingers through the older man's. I'd like to... Things may never be the same as they were before, but... Maybe... just maybe... they can be better...
Kenshin swallowed against the veritable lump that had formed in his throat. That's what I've hoped for... He closed his eyes, the tips of his lashes fluttering against his ashen cheeks. But I don't trust myself enough... Even if I have let go' of violence, and Battosai, and death, and swords... I can't let go of you... But I don't trust myself to try again, either... Instead of saying this, other words, words he hadn't even considered, slipped from his lips. Yahiko wouldn't like it. He blinked, realizing what he'd said.
Kaoru shook her head decisively. Yahiko doesn't live here anymore. He's the master of his own home' now. He doesn't have any say in who stays at mine... The look in her eyes became distant. Besides... It gets so lonely here... Memories aren't substantial company. Kenshin's sigh brought her back to the moment, and she looked at him, smiling reassuringly. Let's just try... Pick up the pieces and try to put ourselves back together again...
There was a silence between them, then, a peaceful silence, for once...
Ho- I'm sorry to change to subject, Kenshin said, ducking his head slightly. But- How is Sanosuke...? I- I saw him on my way here...
Kaoru shrugged. He seems fine enough. He's living with Saito now...
For a brief moment, Kenshin looked mildly appalled. You mean it? he asked.
The blue-eyed woman nodded. Mmm-hmmm... I was extremely startled when I first heard about it, but now that they've been together for over a year, it actually seems to work... Sort of... I had hoped he and Megumi would... But she left for to Aizu about a month before he and Saito started living together.
I see...
At that moment, Kaoru rose. Before Kenshin could wonder what was the matter, he heard someone at the dojo gate. The moment the stranger saw Kaoru approach, the two launched into a heated argument, of which Kenshin could only hear bits and pieces. ... Naru-san! Kaoru was saying. I don't care what they say! There was a long pause as the other person said something in hushed, although vehement, tones. Kaoru exclaimed. I'm twenty-two years old! What I do with my life is my own choice!
Kenshin sat passively on the porch, confused beyond imagination. What on earth...?
As Kaoru stormed back to sit beside him, Kenshin thought he should ask her what the matter was. But, judging by the anger in her eyes, he wondered if that were really such a good idea. Finally, he said,
Please don't call me that, Kaoru said with a sigh.
Just Kaoru' is fine, you know.
Sighing again, Kaoru pulled her legs up to her chest, resting her head on her knees. Every week, one of them shows up and tries to tell me what's good for me... What I should be doing... They think I'm incapable of making my own decisions...!
Kenshin asked slowly.
The town elders. They used to send go-betweens with propositions... But I don't want marry any of them, not a one... Her voice had softened, and she wrapped her arms around her legs, hugging them closer. To them, I'd only be a wife... A possession... I wouldn't be free... I couldn't live with one of them... I just couldn't... It would break me...
And who do you want to marry...? he asked, distracted, looking out at the dark yard. The moment the words slipped from his lips, he realized what he had trapped himself into, and resigned himself to his fate.
Kaoru gave the redhead a sharp look before dropping her head again. I don't know how he feels about me, she said, subdued. But he's the only man I've ever been in love with...
How could anyone not love you, Kaoru-do- Kaoru...? Kenshin asked, a quiet nostalgia in his voice.
The raven-haired young woman sighed. Maybe he's too afraid?
Maybe he's too stupid.
Or maybe I've just never told him how I feel, so he has no way of knowing...
He shook his head minutely. I think he knows, he replied.
A wave of uncertainty washed over Kaoru, and she let out a deep breath, rocking a little. I don't know anymore, she admitted quietly. ... I'm at my wit's end... I just don't know what to do.
Kenshin found the only words he could think of to say, words he'd wanted to say for such a very, very long time. And when he opened his mouth, his voice was a plaintive whisper, barely audible... Kiss me...?
Slowly, Kaoru lifted her head, tear tracks streaking her smooth cheeks. Gathering her shredded courage, she leaned in and brushed a gentle kiss across Kenshin's lips. God, she thought as they touched, if this is a dream, don't ever let it end...
Kenshin could not find it in himself to close his eyes with the kiss, though he was fighting tears. When the brief kiss was done, he pulled back ever so slightly, still so close that his lips nearly brushed Kaoru's as he spoke. When they put me in jail, of course, they confiscated the sakabato... I felt as though... I had lost the very last support I had... I swore to myself two things during the time I was in prison: One, that I would never pick up the sakabato again... And the other, that I would, in time, try to reclaim the only other thing that meant something to me... He drew a shaky breath. ... You... He closed the space between them once more, kissing her lightly for a second time. One of his hands lifted, trailing his fingers across Kaoru's cheek, through her tears.
Kaoru said after a pause. ... You've never had to reclaim' me... You already have my heart... But, she continued, without Hiten Mitsurugi... your soul...
He cradled the back of her head with one hand, leaning his forehead against the crook of her neck. It was the only way- he began, murmuring into the cloth of her kimono. It was the only way I could think of to... distance myself from all that I didn't want to be...
Tentatively, Kaoru reached out to stroke Kenshin's back lightly. Oh, Kenshin, she whispered, her lips close to his hair.
Kenshin, in return, pressed his lips against her shoulder. I'm sorry.
Kaoru said, still rubbing his back. It's all right... Maybe this time both of us can start over. Maybe that's just what we need...
That's all I want, Kenshin admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. To start over... with you...
she agreed, smiling weakly. Me, too... She sighed, her breath light against Kenshin's hair. No more guilt, no more heartache...
Now it was Kenshin's turn to reach up and touch Kaoru, running his palm over her dark hair. Just... us...
Kaoru sighed again, curling a bit of Kenshin's hair around her fingers. You cut your hair...
The redhead let out a deep breath. he replied simply.
She pulled back, pouting a little. It will take a long time to grow out again...
Kenshin sighed. Well... I suppose so...
she began, a little more sternly than she'd mean to. What's bothering you...? The look on the man's thin face was distant, a little melancholy.
It's just that...
You can tell me, Kaoru assured him.
He looked up, slightly sheepish. I'm very sorry, but... Um... He smiled slightly, embarrassed. Do you think I could use the bath...?
And Kaoru couldn't help but laugh.