Author's Notes:
OK, short chapter this time, darlings... Gomen! (Or maybe that's a good thing...?) Kaoru's secret, plus a little more! ::Wink, wink.::
Next chapter, I promise, is gonna be longer... Also... Sano!!! Yay!! Everyone loves a good chicken head. ::Giggle.::
Ah... And just because this tickles my fancy:
Pia-san - Emotional rollercoaster... Eh...heheheh... Yeah, that's a very good way to describe it, that it most certainly is. But Seisou Hen this ain't. Rei-chan and I... We aren't sure we can even handle watching it... Gah! Anyhow, read between those lines however you like.
Ja matta!
SnM
Chapter Four
Kenshin did not look hurt. Kaoru could see as much. He looked, in fact, as though he had expected this betrayal. But he seemed to understand.
I'm so sorry... She took a deep breath. It's just that... what you dreamed...
he said soothingly, touching her hand, I'm sure that, whatever it is, it's fine...
Kaoru pulled her hand out from under his almost viciously. she cried. It's not fine! Holding her hand to her chest, she closed her eyes for a moment before meeting his perplexed gaze. Kenshin... I... I did try to kill myself.
Silence fell between them, heavy, oppressive - lonely. Kaoru didn't take her eyes off the redhead, for fear that he might disappear if she did. Oh, Lord, how many times had she thought she'd seen him, glimpsed something of him - red hair, that faded kimono - only to have it disappear without a trace. No, she wouldn't look away, no matter how much it hurt.
And it did hurt. It hurt to watch Kenshin's delicate features melt from total disbelief to shock to horror. The pieces began to fall into place in Kenshin's mind, and painful terror took hold of his heart, making his pulse jump. He couldn't hold back the sob that was building in his throat as he surged forward to embrace Kaoru tightly.
Oh, God... He was fighting tears, feeling as though he'd been robbed of breath. ... God... Oh, God, Kaoru... I'm so sorry, he whispered. ... I'm so sorry... Oh, God... Tears rolling freely down his pale cheeks, he held her close, stroking her black hair. Please forgive me... I'm so sorry...
Lord, this hurt. Hearing the pain in his voice, the guilt... It hurt Kaoru's heart. But she'd promised herself - she had to tell him. Wrapping her arms around Kenshin, she took a deep breath, and began to speak. After you left... on the - on the anniversary of the night you left for Kyoto... She took another short breath to bolster her strength. I don't know what came over me. All I know - is that I woke up in the clinic, my wrists bound, and feeling weaker than I ever had. Apparently... Yahiko found me on the floor, a knife by my side, and... She choked on her words, having said as much as she was able. She didn't know what else she could say.
God, I... Kaoru, no... No... I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry...
Kaoru shook her head minutely, sniffling, trying to swallow back the tears that were forming in her own eyes. No... Don't be... It was selfish of me to try and take my life... I wasn't thinking of... of anything... It's not your fault, so don't act like it is.
Kenshin didn't have it in him to argue, at the moment. He knew she was wrong, knew that he had most certainly played some part in this incident, but he simply didn't want to fight with her.
She sighed. Just don't leave again.
His voice was harsh, although barely above a whisper, and determined. he said again, more gently. Never again... No matter whatever else it means, no matter what it takes, I will never leave you again... Never... He swallowed thickly. Never. I'll die before they can ever take me away again... I love you, I'm so sorry...
A gentle smile touched Kaoru's lips. She tightened her arms slightly around Kenshin for a brief moment. You big dummy... What took you so long...?
He stopped, blinking up at her, replaying his words in his head. Slowly, he smiled, as well, his expression deeply affectionate. I... I don't even know...
It had terrified her. Things had been going so well... And then... But Kenshin had been recovering...! The tension between them was fading, she thought...
They'd eaten a full meal together - his first in weeks, he'd admitted softly. He'd almost been embarrassed at the amount of food she'd put before him. Hadn't he eaten well in jail? No, he said, they'd actually been quite kind to him in prison. It was just...
Maybe he wasn't improving... Kaoru could tell that Kenshin was still very weak. Even his mannerisms were gentler, let alone his physical resolve, which was... the only word Kaoru could think of was depleted. Kenshin's strength, both physically and mentally, was simply depleted. Maybe she should have expected it...
They were in the kitchen, getting ready to make lunch. They'd been almost shoulder-to-shoulder at the counter, and Kaoru couldn't remember a time when she'd felt so good just doing mundane things like chopping vegetables.
Reached out to her slowly, and she noticed that his hand was trembling slightly. His expression was that of a man caught by surprised, a little confused. he began, his voice soft.
Halfway to her, Kenshin's hand dropped and he collapsed. Kaoru had barely managed to catch him, sinking to the floor, his frail body a dead weight in her arms. The panic had risen in her, as it always seemed to whenever his eyes closed. What if he never wakes up? she thought, terrified. She'd called his name, but he didn't stir, didn't respond...
... Ah, but there's no sense in dwelling on it, now, Kaoru told herself, sighing. She looked at his sleeping form, arranged neatly on the futon. He did look nearly dead, so still and pale, his breathing shallow, but she knew that he would wake up soon. Kenshin had always been a man to spread himself too thin, and now, when it was hardest for Kaoru to tell bad from worse, he seemed even more prone to denying himself sleep and nourishment. He hid it well, the bone-deep fatigue, so that she could even fool herself into thinking he was the same old wanderer from days gone by. But then he would sigh a little too heavily, or the light would cast unfavorable shadows around his sunken eyes... And then she would know. Kenshin, reserved as ever, refused to act as though anything were the matter, and now he was suffering for it.
Kaoru could only hope that his fainting spell in the kitchen would make him more aware of how far he was pushing himself. And, she added silently, looking over at the reposed form, if he doesn't, I'll make him. She sighed again. I don't want him to walk away again... But I won't let him die on me, either...