Chapter Five
The knock at the door brought her back to her senses and pushed her back into action. Kaoru left Kenshin in his bedroom, sleeping soundly, and went to answer the door.
She was surprised to Sanosuke standing there, his head down, his hair, which had grown out in the past two years, hanging in his face. He held a small, canvas bag, and his free hand was hooked in the belt of his kimono. Kaoru hadn't seen her friend in days - maybe weeks... How long had it been since Kenshin returned...? Sano looked so different, these days, she mused - Don't we all, she reminded herself. Maybe Saito had done the big lummox a little good and settled him down a bit... Sometimes it seemed like that was the case. Other times, the situation seemed - different, but Kaoru did not dwell on it.
Hello, Sano, she said, pushing the door open further. I didn't expect to see you here. How are you?
Sanosuke shifted, and raised his head just a little, so that she could see the shadows of his eyes looking out at her from beneath his wild hair. Look - Just - Just don't say anything yet. I jus' need a place to stay for the night, y'know? I'll be outta yer hair by this time t'morrow.
Kaoru stared at him. His voice - he sounded nervous... a little less rational than he usually sounded. He... Sanosuke sounded frightened. And why couldn't he stay at home?! She wanted to ask, but she held her tongue. Instead, she nodded, ushering Sano inside and bringing him to one of the guest rooms. It's no problem, she said quietly, opening the door for him.
He kept his head down, even as he walked past her and put his bag down. With his newly liberated hand, he reached up, under his hair, to touch the side of his face, his palm resting there as though he'd just been slapped. he said again.
She smiled. You know you're always welcome here... Even if you are a lazy, meal-mooching freeloader...
Sano was quiet for a long time, his head bowed. ... Uhm... Yeah... I know.
Laughing lightly, she moved back towards the doorway. I was about to start dinner. Are you hungry?
I... I... Naw, not really. He took a deep breath.
The smile faded from Kaoru's gentle face, and she looked at him sharply, not having patience for Sano's attempt at dishonesty. When was Sanosuke not hungry? Something was the matter. Sano... What are you hiding?
he asked softly, raising his head to get a better look at Kaoru, and then quickly remembering to look away.
You're not telling me something... And you're a really bad liar.
I... Naw... He let his hand drop from the side of his face, and it fell to his waist, also hooking in his obi. His head remained turned, most of his face obscured by his hair.
I know you're lying, you idiot. She crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at him. Really, Sano could be so thick, sometimes!
It's nothin', Jo-chan. Jus' leave it alone, Jo-chan... he begged silently. C'mon, I don't wanna talk about it... But no matter how hard he wished she would stop, Kaoru plowed right on through.
Did you two have another fight? Sano and Saito were not two men inclined toward peace, and sometimes she wondered how they could live together without being at each others' throats night and day. But, generally, they seemed to manage without too much problem, and their fights, from what Sano said, were few and far between.
the tall man admitted softly.
Kaoru wished that he would look at her. He might be terrible at lying, but he was still evading her by avoiding eye contact. It worried her. Sano was usually such a direct person. Well, you know where the first-aide kit is, she said, frowning.
I'm okay, he replied.
She sighed. Still as stubborn as ever, she thought, trying not to be angry with him for it. I'm going to go make dinner, she said gently. I'll call you when it's ready. And she left Sanosuke alone in the guest room.
Once she'd closed the door, Sano slumped against the wall, sliding down until he was sitting on the floor, his knees folded up to his chest. Kaoru's departure was like the first hints of a storm, and soon the clouds had overtaken him, and the storm hit. He couldn't help the tears that came to his eyes, the feeling of helplessness that welled over him. God damn it, he thought, curling his hands into fists. Just... God damn it... He tried as hard as he could to keep his tears quiet, keep the anger and hurt to himself, but he knew Kaoru would feel it, even if she didn't see it.
He looks fine, Kaoru thought, watching Sanosuke out of the corner of her eye as he stepped into the kitchen. He leaned against the kitchen counter, watching her cook, trying to act like he didn't think she knew. She knew.
Need any help, y'old biddy? he asked finally, his lightly teasing tone returned.
She turned around, still holding a wooden spoon, her hands at her hips. You're offering to help me cook and you call me... an... old biddy...? His face... She could see his face clearly, now, in the well-lit kitchen. It was... It was a mess. The right side of his face was one, dark, swollen bruise. His eye was black and nearly swollen shut. How hard...? she wondered. How hard did Saito hit him to bruise him like that...? Or... Or what did he hit him with...?
Well, ya know, yer gettin' up there, Jo-chan, he said glibly, throwing an arm around her shoulder. Best to pretend he hadn't seen her eyes widen and her jaw drop. Can't go too long without marryin' some nice boy, or they'll start talkin' about ya.
They already do, she said, throwing his arm off her shoulder and going back to the meal at hand.
Hey, hey, hey... No hard feelin's, y'know. He leaned back on the counter again, watching Kaoru carefully score the eel to grill. ... Whaddo I know about marriage, huh? Not like I'm ever gonna get hitched.
Kaoru said, frowning down at the knife in her hands. I thought you were happy...
For a long time, Sanosuke said nothing. ... I was... The words fell flat the moment he'd said them, and his eyes widened. That's not true... I am happy! I... I am...
Kaoru put the eel on to cook, and turned to look at him. But by the time she'd done that, he'd already closed himself off again. He wouldn't meet her eye anymore, and he'd fallen silent. The dark-haired young woman sighed heavily. It's none of my business, she said.
She continued to move about the kitchen, preparing dinner, and Sano remained still against the counter. Kaoru had almost put the conversation out of her mind when he spoke.
... Can I... Can I tell you anyway...? She met his gaze quickly this time, so that he would not back down, but he tried to nonetheless. he said, shaking his head. No. I don't wanna lay all this stupid shit on your shoulders. You don' need any of it. Never mind.
Kaoru moved towards him, and put her thin hand on her broad shoulder. He flinched a little, but relaxed after a moment. You were there for me when I needed you... And God knows you only deserve the same. It's my turn now.
He sighed, and Kaoru thought that his next intake of breath might have even been a sniffle. He swallowed. It's just that... Sano paused, unsure of where he was going. I... I haven't said anything in a really long time.
After dinner, the sky behind the dojo was a darkening purple, and a cool, crisp wind was curling through the yard. Sano watched intently as the last bits of weak, gold sunlight seeped from the horizon, letting the world fall into darkness. The lanterns on the porch hissed softly, casting spheres of pale light along the porch.
Kaoru slipped out into the night, having left a tray for Kenshin just inside his door. She leaned on the wall behind Sano, watching his back.
For some time, no words passed between them. Finally, without preamble, Sanosuke spoke. I think the thing... that hurts the most... is that he don't trust me. He... He don't trust me at all. It's like... It's like he thinks I don't- I don't love him enough to... to not sleep around, you know?
I ain't never cheated on Jime. Never. An' I know... Or- or, I think I know... There's someone else... Someone else that he's had his heart set on for so damn long that he can't see anyone else any more. I know he don't love me... I don't care about that... It's that... that... He don't believe that I love him.
Kaoru closed her eyes, shutting out the dark dojo yard, shutting out Sano's lamp-lit back, the kimono stretched over his strong, broad shoulders. He doesn't deserve you... she whispered angrily. That bastard doesn't deserve you...
Sano shook his head, swallowing against the lump forming in his throat. I just... I dunno... Two years - it's a long time to live with someone... S like... None of us knew what t' do when Kenshin left for no goddamn reason. I just - I wouldn't fuckin' know what to do with myself without
You'd be okay, Sano, Kaoru promised softly. We're all going to be okay...
I dunno, Jo-chan... I - It's like... I just can't get him out from under my skin... An'... Sometimes... Sometimes I think... Shit, I just gotta leave him...' And some days I think that I can't stand to see his fuckin' face another day... But... I always do... I always stay, an' I always end up... I always end up wanting him again... I... I just... I think... Sano sighed.
Kaoru opened her eyes, and watched as her tall friend's shoulders slumped, and his head bowed. I don't think I could leave him... he murmured. If I tried - I think he'd kill me...
I was gonna try, today. I hated him so much, this time. I wanted to kill him for, like, half an hour... Jus'... kill im... And I just had t' - I had t' get out. So... I came here...
Do you know what I think? she asked softly. Sano twisted around to look her in the eye, the light from the lantern shining directly into his face. I think you ought to go to Aizu. Sano's jaw dropped open, and Kaoru smiled a little, although it was a hollow smile. You ought to leave if you can't... Oh...
You ought to leave if you can't be happy... Did I make Kenshin- Stop it! He's - He's home! He's happy! Or else he wouldn't be here... This is exactly the way I was thinking after he left. It won't change a thing! She forced those thoughts out of her head, and focused her attention back on Sanosuke. It's fine. She sighed. You should leave if you can't be happy here, she said with a soft determination. And... Sano, I'm sorry, but I think you would be happy in Aizu - with Megumi.
Sano's left eye was wide, although his right was close to swollen shut. ... M... Megumi...?
Kaoru reached up and rubbed her chest as though the bare skin were cold. She's moved home to Aizu, you know.
I know, Sano said softly.
She's been asking about you, she told him.
A blush covered his cheeks, and he dipped his head.
Mmm. I... haven't really known what to say... So I've told her that you're well.
I... Thanks... Sano sighed, and resettled himself so faced Kaoru, leaning against one of the poles supporting the porch roof. We... were writing for a while... Even though it's kinda embarrassin'... I can read pretty good - y'know? - but writing... It's, like, this horrible chore... I'm terrible at it, too. But she don't mind too much. He bit his lower lip and fell silent for a moment. That's... That's why Jime got so pissed... Cause I was... Well, yeah, anyway.
The blue-eyed woman grit her teeth, and hands clenched at her sides. Go to her, Sano, she said, her voice soft. Go, and... and be happy... Just get out of town as fast as you can, and don't even think about that - monster again... It's a straight road. You can get to Aizu relatively quickly.
Sano considered this. He considered leaving, considered Megumi, considered the long road to Aizu. After a long silence, he looked back up at Kaoru. Does - Does Megumi... Does she think of me... like... like that? The thought seemed to distress him a little, Kaoru could see, but it was a vague sort of concern, one formed more out of habit than out of actual consideration.
One way to find out for sure, right? Kaoru said with a little smile.
Sano stared at her for a moment before smiling, as well. I'm gonna go, he decided softly. He rose, and hugged Kaoru tightly. You gonna be okay without me, Jo-chan? Kick Yah'ko around a bit, you know? He needs it. He pulled Kaoru closer to him, and brushed a light kiss across her forehead. Thanks, Jo-chan. He let her go and went in to get his bag.
He appeared back out on the porch not a minute later. Giving her one last hug, his arms powerful around her shoulders, he turned and left the dojo, heading, she might only imagine, towards Aizu. Kaoru thought that he looked better already, a little bit more self-assured... And, best of all, he was smiling again.
Notes and Apologies:
Yes, I know, Saito should, technically, be in Hokkaido. Well, he's not. Boy is he ever not. Like we've said before - this fic breaks with the cannon storyline after the end of the Jinchuu Arc. The happy ending from the Kenshin Kaden is obviously not part of this universe, and Seisou Hen is completely obliterated, as well.
Also... About Sano's face... As I was writing this, I was thinking about his fight with Cho in jail... Cho (that freak) smashed Sano with the ol' ball and chain, literally... And all that happen so Sano is he's bleeding from the head a little. Well, that's cartoons for you... This, however, isn't a cartoon. It's fanfiction. Angst fanfiction. And so the easier Sano bruises, the better. ::Snerk.:: Uh, it's not that he's in lots of pain, exactly. Sano doesn't need to be physically injured for Saito's hitting him to hurt him. So there. Yes, that was me being a little philosophical. Or something.
And... About Sano, himself. I know, he sounds like a hick. He's not! Sano is a smart guy, but he's from the country, and I honestly can't imagine him having gone to school after he left home. We see him read numerous times in the manga, but reading and writing, although closely joined, are not the same skill. So. If he only went to school (back in Nagano when he was still living it his family) until he was ten, and hasn't had much occasion to do any writing since then... Well, yeah. That's my rationale for that. And about all the slang and left of Gs and Ds... Well, it's partially a Steinbeck influence, and partially... just the way I imagine Sano talking.
But, of course, this universe's Sano doesn't just sound like a hick. He's sounds like an abused hick... So, get ready, folks... There's a lot less self-confident Sano in days to come. In fact, I don't really think there's any... The phrase kicked puppy' seems to sum up the way Kenshin and Sano act in this story... And... Well, maybe we'll get around to explaining why, eventually.
Lastly! Sano is moving on to his own fic, for the most part. He and Megumi have their own story arc seperate from Kenshin and Kaoru... So, after the next chapter of KnT, we'll be posting the beginning S&M arc. The 2K story isn't over, but we're going in the order that the chat happened, so we'll be working on the two stories (somewhat) simultaniously.
SnM