Edd watched in exasperation as Ed cheerfully watered the dirt channel he'd dug into the hillside. "Ed, for the last time, you can't make a river just by showing the water where to go!"
"Sure you can, Double-D! How do you think all those other rivers got there?" Ed sung as he hosed up and down the channel. "Old Mac Donald had a river, B – I – N – G – O!"
"No, Ed," Edd patiently tried again, "rivers are formed when – "
Eddy pulled Edd's hat down over his face. "Can it, will ya, you're ruining the show. Don't you wanna see how long the big lump will stand there with that hose?"
"Eddy, that's a terrible waste of natural resources." Edd struggled with his hat. "And besides, Ed really ought to learn how – "
"Hey, Ed, I think you missed a spot over there!" Eddy pointed to an area just beyond Edd.
"Over here, Eddy?" Ed turned towards the spot Eddy indicated, catching Edd in the hose's spray. Edd gacked and sputtered, and backed blindly into Ed's now-muddy channel. The slipperiness of the slope and the force of the hose sent him wailing down the hill at breakneck speed.
"Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha! Look at him go!" Eddy stood at the edge of the hill, doubled up with laughter. "You're a riot, Ed!"
"Quality is job one, Eddy!" Ed turned towards Eddy, forgetting to first turn off the hose. "Oops." He walked to the edge and watched Eddy go flailing down after Edd. Ed's lower lip quivered as he realized he was suddenly all alone. "Aw, come on guys, wait for me!" Turning the hose on himself, he went gaily splashing towards the bottom.
*****
"Aiiiiiiii – grglg!" Edd landed in the creek with a splash and a gurgle. As he was struggling towards shore, Eddy came zipping down and landed on him. They were both splashing and spluttering when Ed piled into them. After several minutes, the three Eds managed to drag themselves back onto dry ground.
"Thanks a lot, Monobrow," Eddy growled, knocking water out of his head, "It'd been a whole day or so since I'd last seen my life flash before my eyes…" He raised his hand to whack Ed on the back of the head.
"You've got no one to blame but yourself, Eddy." Edd wrung out his shirt and cast an indignant glance in Eddy's direction. "When will you learn that your reprehensible lack of respect for your friends nets you nothing but trouble? This all could have been avoided if you hadn't been so eager to amuse yourself at Ed's and my expense!" He wiped mud off his face. "Oh, just look at me! Covered in mud for – what is this, the third time today? I hope you're happy!"
"Gee, you're right, Double-D! I'm sorry to have inconvenienced you so!" Eddy looked contrite.
"W-well, it's all right, I just – "
"Here, lemme help you with that mud!" Eddy shoved Edd back into the creek. Wiping his hands together, he turned back towards Ed and rolled his eyes. "Sheeze. It's like hanging out with my mom sometimes…"
"My mom would be mad if I pushed her in the creek." Ed shook himself off like a dog. "But that was fun, Eddy! All the thrill of a water park, in convenient bite-size form!"
Eddy's eyebrows raised. "You know, come to think of it – that actually was kind of fun, in a heart-stopping sort of way…" He started to drool. "I bet kids would pay big money to ride that slope! And we could even throw in a few more slides, maybe a pool – we could have our own water park!"
Edd clung to the shore as water streamed down him. "Oh, please! Your Ocean World endeavor was an unmitigated disaster, and your river cruise got us nothing but soaked! What makes you think that this iteration of the water-themed enterprise will be any diff – "
"It's summer, it's hot, people love to go swimming! See for yourself…" Eddy pushed Edd's head under the water with his foot. Grinning, he waited a few seconds before letting him back up.
Edd sputtered to the surface. "WILL YOU STOP DOING – " he closed his mouth as Eddy put his foot on his head again.
"You were saying?"
Edd sighed. "Let's go, I have a lot of ill-conceived plans to be drawing up…"
*****
"Double-D, I've gotta hand it to you!" Eddy slung an arm around Edd's shoulders as he surveyed 'Ed's Water World.' Ed's original muddy slope was overshadowed by impossibly twisting slides, a gently rolling wave pool, and various other attractions. "You've really outdone yourself this time!"
"Why, thank you, Eddy, I'm glad the results have lived up to your expectations. I must admit, the Lazy River turned out better than I had anticipated."
"And don't forget The Gravy Boat!" Ed pointed happily at his contribution, a partially-inflated dinghy slowly sinking into a pool of gravy.
Edd smiled politely as he pulled a tarp over the eerily burbling pool. "Um, yes, Ed, I'm sure that'll be a big hit. Why don't we just cover it up to keep the bugs out for now?"
"And to keep the snails in! Good idea, Double-D!" Ed ran over to their gate, hastily constructed from an old set of golf clubs and some chicken wire. "Can I let in the customers yet?"
"Ohh yeah!" Eddy rubbed his hands together greedily. "Let 'em in, Ed, I can taste the jawbreakers already!"
"Wait just one minute! My preparations aren't yet complete!" Edd fiddled with a small metal box. As he dropped it onto the ground it unfolded with several mechanical 'sproings.' Soon the Eds were standing before a towering contraption that bristled with video screens, countless buttons and knobs, and one large, shady umbrella. "There we are!" Edd took a seat in front of the device and started turning dials.
"Eddy, what's Double-D doing with that model of the cockpit from 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being in Zero Gravity'?"
"Good question, Ed. Hey, Sock-head, this isn't the time to be playing with your toys, we've got suckers to bilk!"
"This isn't a toy, Eddy, it's the command center of my Omnipresent Lifeguard Safety System! Why, from this vantage point I can monitor what's going on all over our water park, and with the touch of a few buttons, I can diffuse any potentially dangerous situation before it turns disastrous. You can never be too…"
Eddy made a face as Edd continued his monologue about the importance of rigorous safety procedures. Idly looking over the control panel, he found his attention drawn to a large red button labeled "Water Drainage Activator: FOR EMERGENCY USE ONLY" Grinning wickedly, he looked over his shoulder to be sure Edd was still absorbed in delivering his lecture, then reached out to press the button…
Every muscle in his body contracted at once and his hair stood on end as an electric shock zinged through him. As he lay in a smoking heap, he coughed out, "Hey, Double-D, I don't think your safety things are working…"
Edd giggled behind his hand. "Actually, Eddy, they seem to be working quite well. I knew that a system so capable of wreaking havoc on all my hard work would be irresistible to you, so I threw in a few – ahem – surprises, to deter you." He looked pleased with himself. "Looks like you've found one."
"Oh, a wise guy, huh?" Eddy leapt to his feet. "I'll give you a surprise…"
"Oh, dear…" Edd ran for his life. "Ed, help!"
Eddy chased Edd around and around the control panel, but Ed collared him before he could get his revenge. "Come on, guys, my gravy's drying out! Can't I let in the customers yet?"
"Customers!" Eddy rubbed his hands together. "How could I forget? Let 'em in, Lumpy!"
"Time to make the donuts!" Ed ran over to the gate and tore it down.
Talking excitedly amongst themselves, the kids of the cul-de-sac came gawking through the gate.
"Rolf has never been to a waterpark before! I have not been so excited since my mail-order Barnacle Farm finally arrived!"
"Wow, Jimmy, look at those slides!"
"They look awfully steep, Sarah," Jimmy clung tightly to his inflatable teddy bear ring. "Couldn't we try the kiddy pool first?"
"Cool!" Even Kevin sounded impressed. "I've got the first ride down that vertical slide!"
"Not so fast!" Eddy blocked the way into the park. "Aren't you forgetting something?" He pulled out his money jar and shook it. "Only 50 cents per person for a whole day of wet and wild water…uh…w-adventure!"
"Alliteration does not necessarily a good slogan make, Eddy…"
"So who's littering?" Eddy smiled and shook his jar again. "Let's go, people, do you wanna ride or not?"
With much grumbling, the kids plunked down their money. Eddy shook the jar with delight, listening to the quarters jingle together. "
"No running, now!" Edd called worriedly as everyone jostled towards the slides. "There's plenty of time for everyone to ride!"
"Yeah, take all day for all I care," Eddy said, pocketing his jar. "Let's go, boys, this cash is burning a hole in my pocket!"
"Oh no! Eddy needs ice!" Ed picked up Eddy and started running towards his house. "Hurry before the quarters burn his underwear!"
"No, wait, stop!" Edd jumped between Ed and what was left of the gates. "We can't go yet, who'd monitor the lifeguard station?"
"Oh, come on, Double-D, not again! You always forget the most important part of our scams – spending the money!"
"But what if something were to happen while we were away? I could never live with myself, knowing my aptitude for invention occasioned some sort of mishap. I'm sorry, but the candy store will just have to wait." He crossed his arms resolutely.
"Ed, grab Double-D and let's go, I've had enough of this!"
Ed nodded and made a grab for Edd. "Come on, Double-D, everyone will be snug as a bug in a jug of slug hugs!" He laughed. "Say slug hugs five times fast! Slug hugs slug hug hug glugs slug slugs!"
Edd ducked and tried again. "But Eddy, you don't know what you're missing!" He gestured back towards his lifeguard console. "I installed a few buttons that I think you'll find quite…intriguing!"
"Yeah, yeah, I already saw your stupid bug zapper, Professor Killjoy." He ran a hand back over his head. "And I swear, if that thing messed up my hair…"
"No, I meant a different feature – look!" Edd flipped on one of the TV monitors, showing a currently empty stretch of the Lazy River. "This nice, relaxing float down our manmade channel has a few surprises in store for its riders…" He pressed a button, and on the screen a thin jet of water could be seen drizzling across the river. He turned expectantly back towards Eddy, grinning as though he'd just pulled an elephant out of thin air.
Eddy watched the screen and waited. And waited. He raised an eyebrow. "That was it? You think I'm gonna put off a trip to jawbreakerville just so I can dribble a few drops of water on people?"
"But just think of the mayhem it would cause, Eddy!"
"Man, you're as exciting as bottled water." He snorted in disgust. "Let's go, Ed, I can hear those jawbreakers calling to me!"
"I don't think I could eat a talking jawbreaker, Eddy!"
Edd geared himself up for one final attempt. "You know, Eddy, you're overlooking a major opportunity here…I know I heard a lot more money jingling around in everyone's pockets…" He tried to look sly.
Eddy stopped abruptly. Excitedly, he grabbed Edd by the front of his shirt. "You wouldn't just be saying that, would you? You think I can milk those pigeons for more cash?"
"Mixed metaphors aside, you're sitting on a veritable goldmine! Real water parks generate the majority of their revenue from spending done inside the park." Edd counted the possibilities off on his fingers. "Why, there's towel rentals, concession stands, photo opportunities, even souvenir sales! And surely you could come up with other ideas, couldn't you?"
"Could I ever!!" Eddy rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Let's go, Double-D! I need you to build me a – "
"Oh no, you and Ed will have to handle this on your own." Edd turned his attention back to his lifeguard station. "I'll be right here if you need me."
Eddy harrumphed. "Fine! Just don't expect to be sharing in any of the loot. Come on, Ed, let's get to work…"
"I'm gonna need plenty of duct tape and bananas, Eddy!" Ed ran on ahead, followed closely by Eddy.
"Honestly." Edd shook his head distractedly. "The things I go through to maintain a relatively clear conscience…" He flipped a few switches, bringing the remaining video cameras online, and settled back to keep an eye on the goings-on at the park…