The Space Between 2
By: Olivia
I take a deep breath and lean back into the plush sofa, back into John's arm resting there.
Our eyes met for the briefest of seconds before I break contact and look down at my hands. I saw everything in that instant. I saw it all. I saw his worry for Dana, I saw his belief that it is Mulder lying in the next room, and I saw his hesitation to proclaim that it is Mulder due to Dana's deep-rooted belief that the man is not Mulder. I saw all this in an instant of unspoken communication between my partner and myself.
And yet I also saw something in his eyes infinitely more precious to me mixed up in our mutual worries for our friends. I saw the love he feels for me. It is a love he has never openly admitted to me and yet I feel it as he gently caresses the back of my head. I want to close my eyes and lean into his shoulder. I want to wrap my arms around him, to hold him. But it is impossible. Even though we are out of Scully's direct line of sight, even though she is totally engrossed in her own thoughts and worries at this moment to worry about us, it is still impossible.
This love I feel for him has become a bittersweet ache to me. It would be easier I think if I knew he didn't love me. I could throw my love into our friendship for him, into my duty to him as his partner. But I know he loves me. I saw it in his eyes tonight, just as I saw it in his eyes that night in the car, and on so many other times between.
He won't allow himself to love me. As if by doing so he would wind up hurting or disappointment me. Didn't I tell him I could never see him disappointing anyone?
I saw his love for me in his eyes and felt it in his touch. I can feel it even here sitting next to him on this sofa. He loves me. I make him happy just sitting here beside him, knowing that I'm in his life. Slowly, John's letting me in, letting me know that he loves me. And every time he does, it leaves me breathless and wanting more.
I think about Dana's words, how she would love Mulder even if he was disfigured for life. I feel the exact same way. If it was John, lying in that room, horribly burned beyond recognition, I would still love him. I would still love him because inside he's the same man I've always loved. Just as I would have spent my life taking care of that alternate reality John when he was paralyzed, so too would I spend my life with a physically scarred John. The truth is I'm unhappy without him.
I wish I could close this space between us. If I did, if John allowed me, I'd never let him go.
The End
By: Olivia
I take a deep breath and lean back into the plush sofa, back into John's arm resting there.
Our eyes met for the briefest of seconds before I break contact and look down at my hands. I saw everything in that instant. I saw it all. I saw his worry for Dana, I saw his belief that it is Mulder lying in the next room, and I saw his hesitation to proclaim that it is Mulder due to Dana's deep-rooted belief that the man is not Mulder. I saw all this in an instant of unspoken communication between my partner and myself.
And yet I also saw something in his eyes infinitely more precious to me mixed up in our mutual worries for our friends. I saw the love he feels for me. It is a love he has never openly admitted to me and yet I feel it as he gently caresses the back of my head. I want to close my eyes and lean into his shoulder. I want to wrap my arms around him, to hold him. But it is impossible. Even though we are out of Scully's direct line of sight, even though she is totally engrossed in her own thoughts and worries at this moment to worry about us, it is still impossible.
This love I feel for him has become a bittersweet ache to me. It would be easier I think if I knew he didn't love me. I could throw my love into our friendship for him, into my duty to him as his partner. But I know he loves me. I saw it in his eyes tonight, just as I saw it in his eyes that night in the car, and on so many other times between.
He won't allow himself to love me. As if by doing so he would wind up hurting or disappointment me. Didn't I tell him I could never see him disappointing anyone?
I saw his love for me in his eyes and felt it in his touch. I can feel it even here sitting next to him on this sofa. He loves me. I make him happy just sitting here beside him, knowing that I'm in his life. Slowly, John's letting me in, letting me know that he loves me. And every time he does, it leaves me breathless and wanting more.
I think about Dana's words, how she would love Mulder even if he was disfigured for life. I feel the exact same way. If it was John, lying in that room, horribly burned beyond recognition, I would still love him. I would still love him because inside he's the same man I've always loved. Just as I would have spent my life taking care of that alternate reality John when he was paralyzed, so too would I spend my life with a physically scarred John. The truth is I'm unhappy without him.
I wish I could close this space between us. If I did, if John allowed me, I'd never let him go.
The End