Characters:
In Order Of Appearance
Wadsworth ==Sirius
Guard Dogs ==Fluffy
Yvette== Hermione
Mrs.Ho== Snape
Colonel Mustard== Seamus
Mrs. White== Dean
Mrs. Scarlet== Harry
Professor Plum==Draco
Mrs. Peacock== Parvati
Mr. Green== Ron
Mr. Boddy== Pansy
Motorist== Goyle
Cop== Lavendar
J. Edgar Hoover==Neville
Singing Telegram Girl== Crabbe
21 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 21
Snape bangs a gong once, fiercely.
22 -- INT. LIBRARY -- 22
The gong is heard a second time.
Mr. Ron jumps at the sound, dumping his champagne on Mrs.Parvati.
Sirius: (calmly, as always) Ah. Dinner.
Ron: (hands Parvati his glass, starts to mop her up as she clucks) I'm sorry . . . I'm a little accident-prone . . .
23 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 23
The guests cross to the Dining Room.
24 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--DINING ROOM -- 24
The dining room is elegant, in similar decor to the Hall, but it is somewhat more comfortable.
However, the room is still small.
At one end, there is a door and a metal partition, both leading to the kitchen.
The guests file in.
Sirius: You'll find your names beside your places. Please be seated.
The guests, except for Col. Seamus, find their places and sit
.
Sirius sets Harry's drink on the table, to his pleasure.
Seamus: (indicating the head of the table) Is this place for you?
Sirius: Oh, indeed, no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler.
Seamus: And what exactly do you do?
Sirius: I buttle, sir.
Seamus: Which means what?
Sirius: The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room. I keep everything . . . tidy. That's all.
Col. Seamus attempts to continue but is interrupted by Mrs.Parvati.
Parvati: Well, what's all this about, butler; this dinner party?
Sirius: "Ours is not to reason why . . . Ours is but to do and die"
Draco: "Die"?
Sirius: (smiling) Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson.
Seamus: (now seated next to Mr. Harry) Hm. I prefer Kipling, myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." (to Harry)You like Kipling, Mr. Harry?
Harry: Sure, I'll eat anything.
Hermione enters carrying a tray.
Hermione: (to Parvati) Sharks' Fin Soup, Madame.
Seamus: (again indicating head) So is this for our host?
Sirius: No, sir. For the seventh guest, Mrs. Pansy
Dean: I thought Mrs. Pansy was our host?
The guests all concur.
Dean: So who is our host, Mr. Sirius?
Sirius chuckles with a closed smile.
Draco: Well, I want to start, while it's still hot.
Parvati: Oh, now shouldn't we wait for the other guest?
Hermione: I will keep somesing warm for eem.
Harry: What did you have in mind, dear?
Silence.
Prof. Draco slurps soup from his spoon.
Mr. Dean disapproves, then does the same.
Seamus, Daisuke, and Ron stare at them, spoons poised near mouths.
They do it again.
Silence.
Parvati: (breathlessly) Well, someone's got to break the ice, and it might as well be me. I mean, I'm used to being a hostess; it's part of my wife's work,and it's always difficult when a group of new friends meet together for the first time to get acquainted, so I'm perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling . . . I mean, I have absolutely no idea what we'redoing here, or what I'm doing here, or what this place is about, but I am determined to enjoy myself and I'm very intrigued and oh, my, this soup's delicious isn't it?
Everyone sits bewildered.
Dean: You say you are used to being a hostess as part of your wife's work?
Parvati: Yes, it's an integral part of your life when you are the wife of a. . oh, but then I forgot we're not supposed to say who we really are, though heavens to Betsy, I don't know why.
Seamus: Don't you.
Ron: I know who you are.
Harry: Aren't you going to tell us?
Parvati: (removes glasses nervously) How do you know who I am?
Ron: I work in Washington, too.
Draco: Oh, so you're a politician's wife.
Parvati: Yes, I-I am.
Seamus: Well, come on, then. Who's your husband?
Suddenly, Sirius opens the door from the kitchen.
Parvati: (to Mr.Dean) So, what does your husband do?
Dean: (almost cutting her off) Nothing.
Parvati: Nothing?
Dean: Well, he . . . just . . . lies around on his back all day.
Harry: Sounds like hard work to me.
Hermione, in the kitchen, opens the partition suddenly.
The noise coincides with a crash of thunder.
Mr. Ron, jumpy as ever, spills his drink again, this time on Mr. Harry.
Ron: I'm . . . sorry. I'm afraid I'm a little accident-prone.
He starts to wipe off his upper chest.
Harry: Ah--watch it.
He stops.
Hermione starts serving food.
Hermione: Excuse moi.
The guests start eating.
Parvati: Mmm! This is one of my favorite recipes!
Sirius: I know, madam.
Parvati: So, what do you do in Washington, D.C., Mr. Ron?
No answer.
Parvati: Come on, what do you do? I mean, how are we to get acquainted if we don't say anything about ourselves?
Harry: (angrily) Perhaps he doesn't want to get acquainted with you.
Parvati: (bothered) Well, I'm sure I don't know, but if I wasn't trying to keep the conversation going, then we would just be sitting here in an embarrassed silence.
Draco: Are you afraid of silence, Mrs. Parvati?
Parvati: Yes! What? No, why?
Draco: Oh, it just seems to me that you seem to suffer from what we call pressure of speech.
Harry: "We"? Who's "we"? Are you a shrink?
Draco: I do know a little bit about psychological medicine, yes.
Dean: Are you a doctor?
Draco: I am, but I don't practice.
Harry: Practice makes perfect. Ha. I think most men need a little practice, don't you, Mrs. Parvati?
Mrs. Parvati shrugs, very uncomfortable
Dean: So what do you do, Professor?
Draco: I work for UNO, the United Nations Organization.
Seamus: Another politician. Jesus!
Draco: No, I work for a branch of UNO. W.H.O., the World Health Organization.
Parvati: Well, what is your area of special concern?
Draco: Family planning. (to Seamus) What about you, Colonel? Are you a real colonel?
Seamus: (seriously) I am, sir.
Harry: You're not going to mention the coincidence that you also live in Washington, D.C.?
Seamus: How did you know that? Have we met before?
Harry: I've certainly seen you before. Although you may not have seen me.
Ron: So, Mr. Harry, does this mean that you live in Washington,too?
Harry: Sure do.
Parvati: Does anyone here not live in Washington, D.C.?
Draco: I don't.
Ron: Yes, but you work for the United Nations. That's a government job. And the rest of us all live in a government town. Anyone here not earn their living from the government in one way or another?
Col. Seamus stands suddenly.
Seamus: (angrily, to Sirius) Sirius, where's our host, and why have we been brought here?
The doorbell rings.
Sirius exits.
We hear the door opening and Sirius speaks.
Sirius (O.S.) : Ah! Good evening. You are eagerly awaited.
WOMAN (O.S.) : You lockin' me in? I'll take the key.
Sirius (O.S.) : Over my dead body, ma'am. May I take your bag?
WOMAN (O.S.) : No. I'll leave it here 'til I need it.
Sirius (O.S.) : It contains evidence, I presume?
WOMAN (O.S.) : Surprises, my friend. That's what it contains-surprises!
Sirius enters the dining room, followed by the woman.
Sirius: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mrs. Pansy.
Pansy: What are they all doin' here?
Sirius: Eating dinner. Do sit down, Mrs. Pansy
Pansy: (sitting) Thanks.
Hermione starts to serve her.
Pansy: Nah, you can take that away, honey.
Parvati hits the table.
Parvati: (angrily) Look. I demand to know what's going on. Now why have we all been dragged up to this horrible place?
Sirius: Well. I believe we all received a letter. My letter says, "It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mrs. Pansy will bring to an end a certain long-standing confidential and painful financial liability." It is signed, "A friend."
Ron: I received a similar letter.
Harry: So did we, didn't we. (indicating Prof. Draco)
Pansy: I also received a letter. (Hermione starts to serve her again) No thanks, Hermione. I just ate.
Ron: Now, how did you know her name?
Pansy: We know each other. (puts her hand up Hermione's (short) skirt) Don't we, dear?
Hermione recoils.
Sirius: Forgive my curiosity, Mrs. Pansy, but did your letter say the same thing?
Pansy: No.
Sirius: I see . . . (to group) Can I interest any of you in fruit or dessert?
No response.
Sirius: In that case, may I suggest we adjourn to the study for coffee and brandy, at which point I believe our unknown host will reveal his intentions.
In Order Of Appearance
Wadsworth ==Sirius
Guard Dogs ==Fluffy
Yvette== Hermione
Mrs.Ho== Snape
Colonel Mustard== Seamus
Mrs. White== Dean
Mrs. Scarlet== Harry
Professor Plum==Draco
Mrs. Peacock== Parvati
Mr. Green== Ron
Mr. Boddy== Pansy
Motorist== Goyle
Cop== Lavendar
J. Edgar Hoover==Neville
Singing Telegram Girl== Crabbe
21 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 21
Snape bangs a gong once, fiercely.
22 -- INT. LIBRARY -- 22
The gong is heard a second time.
Mr. Ron jumps at the sound, dumping his champagne on Mrs.Parvati.
Sirius: (calmly, as always) Ah. Dinner.
Ron: (hands Parvati his glass, starts to mop her up as she clucks) I'm sorry . . . I'm a little accident-prone . . .
23 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 23
The guests cross to the Dining Room.
24 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--DINING ROOM -- 24
The dining room is elegant, in similar decor to the Hall, but it is somewhat more comfortable.
However, the room is still small.
At one end, there is a door and a metal partition, both leading to the kitchen.
The guests file in.
Sirius: You'll find your names beside your places. Please be seated.
The guests, except for Col. Seamus, find their places and sit
.
Sirius sets Harry's drink on the table, to his pleasure.
Seamus: (indicating the head of the table) Is this place for you?
Sirius: Oh, indeed, no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler.
Seamus: And what exactly do you do?
Sirius: I buttle, sir.
Seamus: Which means what?
Sirius: The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room. I keep everything . . . tidy. That's all.
Col. Seamus attempts to continue but is interrupted by Mrs.Parvati.
Parvati: Well, what's all this about, butler; this dinner party?
Sirius: "Ours is not to reason why . . . Ours is but to do and die"
Draco: "Die"?
Sirius: (smiling) Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson.
Seamus: (now seated next to Mr. Harry) Hm. I prefer Kipling, myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." (to Harry)You like Kipling, Mr. Harry?
Harry: Sure, I'll eat anything.
Hermione enters carrying a tray.
Hermione: (to Parvati) Sharks' Fin Soup, Madame.
Seamus: (again indicating head) So is this for our host?
Sirius: No, sir. For the seventh guest, Mrs. Pansy
Dean: I thought Mrs. Pansy was our host?
The guests all concur.
Dean: So who is our host, Mr. Sirius?
Sirius chuckles with a closed smile.
Draco: Well, I want to start, while it's still hot.
Parvati: Oh, now shouldn't we wait for the other guest?
Hermione: I will keep somesing warm for eem.
Harry: What did you have in mind, dear?
Silence.
Prof. Draco slurps soup from his spoon.
Mr. Dean disapproves, then does the same.
Seamus, Daisuke, and Ron stare at them, spoons poised near mouths.
They do it again.
Silence.
Parvati: (breathlessly) Well, someone's got to break the ice, and it might as well be me. I mean, I'm used to being a hostess; it's part of my wife's work,and it's always difficult when a group of new friends meet together for the first time to get acquainted, so I'm perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling . . . I mean, I have absolutely no idea what we'redoing here, or what I'm doing here, or what this place is about, but I am determined to enjoy myself and I'm very intrigued and oh, my, this soup's delicious isn't it?
Everyone sits bewildered.
Dean: You say you are used to being a hostess as part of your wife's work?
Parvati: Yes, it's an integral part of your life when you are the wife of a. . oh, but then I forgot we're not supposed to say who we really are, though heavens to Betsy, I don't know why.
Seamus: Don't you.
Ron: I know who you are.
Harry: Aren't you going to tell us?
Parvati: (removes glasses nervously) How do you know who I am?
Ron: I work in Washington, too.
Draco: Oh, so you're a politician's wife.
Parvati: Yes, I-I am.
Seamus: Well, come on, then. Who's your husband?
Suddenly, Sirius opens the door from the kitchen.
Parvati: (to Mr.Dean) So, what does your husband do?
Dean: (almost cutting her off) Nothing.
Parvati: Nothing?
Dean: Well, he . . . just . . . lies around on his back all day.
Harry: Sounds like hard work to me.
Hermione, in the kitchen, opens the partition suddenly.
The noise coincides with a crash of thunder.
Mr. Ron, jumpy as ever, spills his drink again, this time on Mr. Harry.
Ron: I'm . . . sorry. I'm afraid I'm a little accident-prone.
He starts to wipe off his upper chest.
Harry: Ah--watch it.
He stops.
Hermione starts serving food.
Hermione: Excuse moi.
The guests start eating.
Parvati: Mmm! This is one of my favorite recipes!
Sirius: I know, madam.
Parvati: So, what do you do in Washington, D.C., Mr. Ron?
No answer.
Parvati: Come on, what do you do? I mean, how are we to get acquainted if we don't say anything about ourselves?
Harry: (angrily) Perhaps he doesn't want to get acquainted with you.
Parvati: (bothered) Well, I'm sure I don't know, but if I wasn't trying to keep the conversation going, then we would just be sitting here in an embarrassed silence.
Draco: Are you afraid of silence, Mrs. Parvati?
Parvati: Yes! What? No, why?
Draco: Oh, it just seems to me that you seem to suffer from what we call pressure of speech.
Harry: "We"? Who's "we"? Are you a shrink?
Draco: I do know a little bit about psychological medicine, yes.
Dean: Are you a doctor?
Draco: I am, but I don't practice.
Harry: Practice makes perfect. Ha. I think most men need a little practice, don't you, Mrs. Parvati?
Mrs. Parvati shrugs, very uncomfortable
Dean: So what do you do, Professor?
Draco: I work for UNO, the United Nations Organization.
Seamus: Another politician. Jesus!
Draco: No, I work for a branch of UNO. W.H.O., the World Health Organization.
Parvati: Well, what is your area of special concern?
Draco: Family planning. (to Seamus) What about you, Colonel? Are you a real colonel?
Seamus: (seriously) I am, sir.
Harry: You're not going to mention the coincidence that you also live in Washington, D.C.?
Seamus: How did you know that? Have we met before?
Harry: I've certainly seen you before. Although you may not have seen me.
Ron: So, Mr. Harry, does this mean that you live in Washington,too?
Harry: Sure do.
Parvati: Does anyone here not live in Washington, D.C.?
Draco: I don't.
Ron: Yes, but you work for the United Nations. That's a government job. And the rest of us all live in a government town. Anyone here not earn their living from the government in one way or another?
Col. Seamus stands suddenly.
Seamus: (angrily, to Sirius) Sirius, where's our host, and why have we been brought here?
The doorbell rings.
Sirius exits.
We hear the door opening and Sirius speaks.
Sirius (O.S.) : Ah! Good evening. You are eagerly awaited.
WOMAN (O.S.) : You lockin' me in? I'll take the key.
Sirius (O.S.) : Over my dead body, ma'am. May I take your bag?
WOMAN (O.S.) : No. I'll leave it here 'til I need it.
Sirius (O.S.) : It contains evidence, I presume?
WOMAN (O.S.) : Surprises, my friend. That's what it contains-surprises!
Sirius enters the dining room, followed by the woman.
Sirius: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mrs. Pansy.
Pansy: What are they all doin' here?
Sirius: Eating dinner. Do sit down, Mrs. Pansy
Pansy: (sitting) Thanks.
Hermione starts to serve her.
Pansy: Nah, you can take that away, honey.
Parvati hits the table.
Parvati: (angrily) Look. I demand to know what's going on. Now why have we all been dragged up to this horrible place?
Sirius: Well. I believe we all received a letter. My letter says, "It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mrs. Pansy will bring to an end a certain long-standing confidential and painful financial liability." It is signed, "A friend."
Ron: I received a similar letter.
Harry: So did we, didn't we. (indicating Prof. Draco)
Pansy: I also received a letter. (Hermione starts to serve her again) No thanks, Hermione. I just ate.
Ron: Now, how did you know her name?
Pansy: We know each other. (puts her hand up Hermione's (short) skirt) Don't we, dear?
Hermione recoils.
Sirius: Forgive my curiosity, Mrs. Pansy, but did your letter say the same thing?
Pansy: No.
Sirius: I see . . . (to group) Can I interest any of you in fruit or dessert?
No response.
Sirius: In that case, may I suggest we adjourn to the study for coffee and brandy, at which point I believe our unknown host will reveal his intentions.