Wadsworth ==Sirius
Guard Dogs ==Fluffy
Yvette== Hermione
Mrs.Ho== Snape
Colonel Mustard== Seamus
Mrs. White== Dean
Mrs. Scarlet== Harry
Professor Plum==Draco
Mrs. Peacock== Parvati
Mr. Green== Ron
Mr. Boddy== Pansy
Motorist== Goyle
Cop== Lavendar
J. Edgar Hoover==Neville
Singing Telegram Girl== Crabbe
28 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE STUDY -- 28
The guests are already present.
Sirius and Mrs. Pansy enter.
Sirius takes up his envelope again.
Sirius: Ladies and gentlemen, you all have one thing in common.You're all being blackmailed. For some considerable time, all of you have been paying what you can afford and, in some cases, more than you can afford to someone who threatens to expose you. And none of you know who's blackmailing you, do you?
Parvati: Oh, please! I've never heard anything so ridiculous. I mean,nobody could blackmail me. My life is an open book--I've never done anything wrong.
Sirius: Anybody else wish to deny it?
The guests look at each other, but no one responds.
Sirius: Very well. As everyone here is in the same boat, there's no harm in my revealing some details. And my instructions are to do so.Thank you, Hermione.
The maid, so dismissed, leaves.
Mrs. Pansy's eyes follow her out.
Dean: Don't you think you might spare us this humiliation?
Sirius: I'm sorry. Professor Draco, you were once a professor of psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.
Draco: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
Sirius: So your work has not changed. But you don't practice medicine at the U.N. His license to practice has been lifted, correct?
Harry: Why? What did he do?
Sirius: You know what doctors aren't allowed to do with their patients?
Harry: Yeah?
Sirius: Well, he did.
Harry: Ha!
Parvati: Oh, how disgusting.
Sirius: (swooping down on her) Are you making moral judgements,Mrs. Parvati? How, then, do you justify taking bribes in return for delivering your wife's vote to certain lobbyists?
Parvati: My wife is a paid consultant. There is nothing wrong with that!
Sirius: Not if it's publicly declared, perhaps. But if the payment is delivered by slipping used greenbacks in plain envelopes under the door of the men's room,how would you describe that transaction?
Harry: I'd say it stinks.
Parvati: Well, how would you know. When were you in that men's room?
Draco: So it's true!
Parvati: (standing) No, it's a vicious lie!
Sirius: I'm sure we're all glad to hear that. But you've been paying blackmail for over a year now to keep that story out of the papers.
Dean: (to Parvati) Well, I am willing to believe you. I too am being blackmailed for something I didn't do.
Ron: Me too.
Seamus: And me.
Harry: Not me.
Sirius: You're not being blackmailed?
Harry: Oh, I'm being blackmailed, all right. But I did what I'm being blackmailed for.
Draco: (with interest) What did you do?
Harry: Well, to be perfectly frank, I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service which provide gentlemen or women with the company of a young lady or man for a short while.
Draco: (very interested) Oh, yeah? (pulling out a pen and notepad) What's the phone number?
Harry rolls his eyes.
Ron: So how did you know Colonel Seamus works in Washington? Is he one of your clients?
Seamus: (incredulous) Certainly not!
Ron: I was asking Mr. Harry.
Seamus: (to Harry) Well, you tell him it's not true!
Harry: It's not true.
Draco: Is that true?
Harry: No, it's not true.
Ron: Ha-hah! So it is true!
Sirius: A double negative!
Seamus: Double "negative"? You mean you have--(whispers to Harry) Photographs?
Sirius: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away.
Seamus: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
Sirius: You don't need any help from me, sir.
Seamus: That's right!
Seamus realizes what he just said.
Draco: But seriously, I don't see what's so terrible about Colonel Seamus visiting a house of ill fame. (puts his hand on Harry's leg) Most soldiers do, don't they?
Harry: (standing) Oh, please.
Sirius: But he holds a sensitive security post in the pentagon. And, Colonel, you drive a very expensive car for someone who lives on a colonel's pay.
Seamus: I don't. I came into money during the war, when I lost my mommy and daddy.
Sirius is puzzled, but soon recovers.
Sirius: Mr. Dean, you've been paying our friend the blackmailer ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances.
Harry laughs.
Dean: Why is that funny?
Harry: I see. That's why he was lying on his back. In his coffin.
Dean: I didn't kill him.
Seamus: Then why are you paying the blackmailer?
Dean: I don't want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation, he was deranged . . . lunatic. He didn't actually seem to like me very much, he had threatened to kill me in public.
Harry: Why would he want to kill you in public?
Sirius: I think he meant he threatened, in public, to kill him.
Harry: Oh. And was that his final word on the matter?
Dean: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?
Sirius: And yet he was the one who died, not you, Mr.Dean, not you.
Harry: What did he do for a living?
Dean: He was a scientist. Nuclear physics.
Harry: What was he like?
Dean: He was always a rather stupidly pessimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died. But he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off and so had his . . . you know . . .
The men in the room cross their legs.
Dean: I had been out all evening at the movies.
Harry: Do you miss him?
Dean: Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.
Sirius: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.
Dean: But that was his job. He was an illusionist.
Sirius: But he never reappeared.
Dean: (shrugging) He wasn't a very good illusionist.
Mr. Ron clears his throat and stands.
Ron: I have something to say. (pauses) I'm not going to wait for Sirius here to unmask me. I work for the state department. And I am straight.
Sirius, wide-eyed, looks for Ron's file.
Parvati clucks in disgust.
Ron: I feel no personal shame or guilt about this. But I must keep it a secret or I will lose my job on security grounds. (pauses again,looking embarrassed) . . . Thank you.
Mr. Ron sits back down next to Prof.Draco, who rapidly stands and walks away.
Draco: Well, that just leaves Mrs. Pansy.
Harry: What's your little secret?
Sirius: Her secret? Oh, hadn't you guessed? She's the one who's blackmailing you all.
Lightning crashes.
Mrs. Pansy looks very satisfied.
Seamus: You bastard!
The guests advance on Mrs. Pansy as she stands.
Seamus challenges Mrs. Pansy to fight, boxing-style.
Seamus: Put 'em up!
Mrs. Pansy steps on the Colonel's toes and pokes him in the eyes.
Ron: People...
Seamus: If you can't fight fairly, don't fight at all!
Pansy: Calls me a bastard!
Mr. Ron and the others try to separate them as Colonel Seamus recovers and Mrs. Pansy goes for him.
Mr.Dean decides to take matters into his own hands and elbows Mrs.Pansy in the chest.
Ron: Was that necessary, Mr. Dean?
Sirius: Wait! Wait! The police are coming!
The guests disapprove.
Sirius: Listen! Blackmail depends on secrecy. You've all admitted how she's been able to blackmail you. All you have to do is tell the police,she'll be convicted, and your troubles will be over.
Pansy: (standing, in pain) 's not so easy. You'll never tell the police.
Sirius: Then I shall. I have evidence in my possession, and this conversation is being tape recorded.
28a -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--BILLIARD ROOM -- 28a
Hermione in the Billiard room, drinking cognac and listening to a reel to reel tape recorder that is recording.
Ron (Voice Only): Point of order--tape recordings are not admissible evidence!
28b -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE STUDY -- 28b
The study.
General confusion ensues.
Sirius: Ladies and gentlemen, the police will be here in about (checks his watch) forty-five minutes. Tell them the truth, and Mrs.Pansy will be behind bars.
Mrs. Pansy goes for the hall.
Sirius stops her.
Sirius: Where are you going this time?
Pansy: I think I can help them make up their minds. Can I just get my little bag from the hall?
Pansy exits.
28c -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 28c
The Hall.
Mrs. Pansy gets her bags from by the front door.
Guard Dogs ==Fluffy
Yvette== Hermione
Mrs.Ho== Snape
Colonel Mustard== Seamus
Mrs. White== Dean
Mrs. Scarlet== Harry
Professor Plum==Draco
Mrs. Peacock== Parvati
Mr. Green== Ron
Mr. Boddy== Pansy
Motorist== Goyle
Cop== Lavendar
J. Edgar Hoover==Neville
Singing Telegram Girl== Crabbe
28 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE STUDY -- 28
The guests are already present.
Sirius and Mrs. Pansy enter.
Sirius takes up his envelope again.
Sirius: Ladies and gentlemen, you all have one thing in common.You're all being blackmailed. For some considerable time, all of you have been paying what you can afford and, in some cases, more than you can afford to someone who threatens to expose you. And none of you know who's blackmailing you, do you?
Parvati: Oh, please! I've never heard anything so ridiculous. I mean,nobody could blackmail me. My life is an open book--I've never done anything wrong.
Sirius: Anybody else wish to deny it?
The guests look at each other, but no one responds.
Sirius: Very well. As everyone here is in the same boat, there's no harm in my revealing some details. And my instructions are to do so.Thank you, Hermione.
The maid, so dismissed, leaves.
Mrs. Pansy's eyes follow her out.
Dean: Don't you think you might spare us this humiliation?
Sirius: I'm sorry. Professor Draco, you were once a professor of psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.
Draco: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
Sirius: So your work has not changed. But you don't practice medicine at the U.N. His license to practice has been lifted, correct?
Harry: Why? What did he do?
Sirius: You know what doctors aren't allowed to do with their patients?
Harry: Yeah?
Sirius: Well, he did.
Harry: Ha!
Parvati: Oh, how disgusting.
Sirius: (swooping down on her) Are you making moral judgements,Mrs. Parvati? How, then, do you justify taking bribes in return for delivering your wife's vote to certain lobbyists?
Parvati: My wife is a paid consultant. There is nothing wrong with that!
Sirius: Not if it's publicly declared, perhaps. But if the payment is delivered by slipping used greenbacks in plain envelopes under the door of the men's room,how would you describe that transaction?
Harry: I'd say it stinks.
Parvati: Well, how would you know. When were you in that men's room?
Draco: So it's true!
Parvati: (standing) No, it's a vicious lie!
Sirius: I'm sure we're all glad to hear that. But you've been paying blackmail for over a year now to keep that story out of the papers.
Dean: (to Parvati) Well, I am willing to believe you. I too am being blackmailed for something I didn't do.
Ron: Me too.
Seamus: And me.
Harry: Not me.
Sirius: You're not being blackmailed?
Harry: Oh, I'm being blackmailed, all right. But I did what I'm being blackmailed for.
Draco: (with interest) What did you do?
Harry: Well, to be perfectly frank, I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service which provide gentlemen or women with the company of a young lady or man for a short while.
Draco: (very interested) Oh, yeah? (pulling out a pen and notepad) What's the phone number?
Harry rolls his eyes.
Ron: So how did you know Colonel Seamus works in Washington? Is he one of your clients?
Seamus: (incredulous) Certainly not!
Ron: I was asking Mr. Harry.
Seamus: (to Harry) Well, you tell him it's not true!
Harry: It's not true.
Draco: Is that true?
Harry: No, it's not true.
Ron: Ha-hah! So it is true!
Sirius: A double negative!
Seamus: Double "negative"? You mean you have--(whispers to Harry) Photographs?
Sirius: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away.
Seamus: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
Sirius: You don't need any help from me, sir.
Seamus: That's right!
Seamus realizes what he just said.
Draco: But seriously, I don't see what's so terrible about Colonel Seamus visiting a house of ill fame. (puts his hand on Harry's leg) Most soldiers do, don't they?
Harry: (standing) Oh, please.
Sirius: But he holds a sensitive security post in the pentagon. And, Colonel, you drive a very expensive car for someone who lives on a colonel's pay.
Seamus: I don't. I came into money during the war, when I lost my mommy and daddy.
Sirius is puzzled, but soon recovers.
Sirius: Mr. Dean, you've been paying our friend the blackmailer ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances.
Harry laughs.
Dean: Why is that funny?
Harry: I see. That's why he was lying on his back. In his coffin.
Dean: I didn't kill him.
Seamus: Then why are you paying the blackmailer?
Dean: I don't want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation, he was deranged . . . lunatic. He didn't actually seem to like me very much, he had threatened to kill me in public.
Harry: Why would he want to kill you in public?
Sirius: I think he meant he threatened, in public, to kill him.
Harry: Oh. And was that his final word on the matter?
Dean: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?
Sirius: And yet he was the one who died, not you, Mr.Dean, not you.
Harry: What did he do for a living?
Dean: He was a scientist. Nuclear physics.
Harry: What was he like?
Dean: He was always a rather stupidly pessimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died. But he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off and so had his . . . you know . . .
The men in the room cross their legs.
Dean: I had been out all evening at the movies.
Harry: Do you miss him?
Dean: Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.
Sirius: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.
Dean: But that was his job. He was an illusionist.
Sirius: But he never reappeared.
Dean: (shrugging) He wasn't a very good illusionist.
Mr. Ron clears his throat and stands.
Ron: I have something to say. (pauses) I'm not going to wait for Sirius here to unmask me. I work for the state department. And I am straight.
Sirius, wide-eyed, looks for Ron's file.
Parvati clucks in disgust.
Ron: I feel no personal shame or guilt about this. But I must keep it a secret or I will lose my job on security grounds. (pauses again,looking embarrassed) . . . Thank you.
Mr. Ron sits back down next to Prof.Draco, who rapidly stands and walks away.
Draco: Well, that just leaves Mrs. Pansy.
Harry: What's your little secret?
Sirius: Her secret? Oh, hadn't you guessed? She's the one who's blackmailing you all.
Lightning crashes.
Mrs. Pansy looks very satisfied.
Seamus: You bastard!
The guests advance on Mrs. Pansy as she stands.
Seamus challenges Mrs. Pansy to fight, boxing-style.
Seamus: Put 'em up!
Mrs. Pansy steps on the Colonel's toes and pokes him in the eyes.
Ron: People...
Seamus: If you can't fight fairly, don't fight at all!
Pansy: Calls me a bastard!
Mr. Ron and the others try to separate them as Colonel Seamus recovers and Mrs. Pansy goes for him.
Mr.Dean decides to take matters into his own hands and elbows Mrs.Pansy in the chest.
Ron: Was that necessary, Mr. Dean?
Sirius: Wait! Wait! The police are coming!
The guests disapprove.
Sirius: Listen! Blackmail depends on secrecy. You've all admitted how she's been able to blackmail you. All you have to do is tell the police,she'll be convicted, and your troubles will be over.
Pansy: (standing, in pain) 's not so easy. You'll never tell the police.
Sirius: Then I shall. I have evidence in my possession, and this conversation is being tape recorded.
28a -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--BILLIARD ROOM -- 28a
Hermione in the Billiard room, drinking cognac and listening to a reel to reel tape recorder that is recording.
Ron (Voice Only): Point of order--tape recordings are not admissible evidence!
28b -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE STUDY -- 28b
The study.
General confusion ensues.
Sirius: Ladies and gentlemen, the police will be here in about (checks his watch) forty-five minutes. Tell them the truth, and Mrs.Pansy will be behind bars.
Mrs. Pansy goes for the hall.
Sirius stops her.
Sirius: Where are you going this time?
Pansy: I think I can help them make up their minds. Can I just get my little bag from the hall?
Pansy exits.
28c -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 28c
The Hall.
Mrs. Pansy gets her bags from by the front door.