This story is really, just nonsense modeled after those old Forties movies about the detective and that broad who comes in with a big hat.

Typical Disclaimer: I don't own anything, suing me would just be a waste of our time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~









Hajime Saitou P.I.

The Case of the Ahou and His Kitty





I hate nights like these. Smoggy, wet, hot and sticky nights where all you can do is sit at your desk and smoke a cigarette while nursing a glass of gin. It also doesn't help that I'm bored out of my mind.

Work has been pretty slim pickings for this P.I. Ever since I finally wrapped up that Megumi drug ring case, I haven't had any clients since. Although, to be fair it was a brilliant scheme she had going. Who would suspect a well to do doctor would be the head of such an elaborate drug smuggling program. Well, of course I suspected it. That's what they pay me to do. Solve cases like that. I got some good cash for that case too.



But that case was long since over. I needed work. Tokio was nipping at my heels for rent money. Apparently, they had cut off our hot water. Not really a problem. I liked cold showers, sometimes. But when Tokio wants that rent money, I had better damn well get it to her. I just hope she doesn't realize I'm insured. I would just hate to have an "accident".



So really all I could do was sit at my desk, with my feet on the desk, leaning back in my chair with my hands cradling my head. It's so hot and humid tonight. I began falling asleep in my chair.



And then in stormed trouble, with his dashing good looks and the smell of cheap perfume mixed with sweat and rain. With his dark brown hair matted down to his face and on top of that red bandana, because of the rain, and his shirt clinging to his chest and his black pants scandalously tight. Trouble really took me by surprise, and I fell out of my chair and onto my back.

Quickly regaining my composure I stood up and sat myself back in my chair. Holding my hands together and setting them on my desk, I stared at the kid with a glare that I know would have cut through any other man. However, it didn't phase this guy in the least. He just returned it with a cocky grin. Obviously trying to hold back the laughter he had from me falling out of my chair. Kids like this are nothing but trouble.



"What can I do for you, young man?" I asked, probably in a more polite tone than was necessary. But hey, if he was a future client, I didn't want him running off because I was 'mean'. It's happened before. Tokio's often said I could freeze hellfire with my coldness.



The rude little bastard just smirked and chuckled to himself. Then he pointed at the box of Kleenex I had sitting at the corner of my desk. "Do you mind?" He asked as he took the tissue without waiting for an answer.



"Not at all, while you clean yourself up maybe you should tell me what you're doing here."

"Well, I have some work you might be interested in. I know you haven't had a case in a while." Damn, this kid was almost as good as I was. Well, maybe not that good.



"What kind of case might this be?" I asked, holding back the urge to push the kid out the window.

"A missing person. Someone very dear to me has been kidnaped by an ex-lover. I'm a wreck without her. I- I..." He was breaking down. I could see the tears rolling down his face, that could have been rain, but it was obvious he was crying. Fumbling for words as motioned for him to take a seat. Then I reached into my desk and pulled out another shot glass and filled it with gin. I set the glass and the bottle at the edge of my desk. The kid grabbed the bottle and chugged it. That's really not what I had in mind when I offered him my gin.



When the kid had finally calmed himself down a bit after drinking about half of my bottle of gin I began the questions again. "Okay so what does she look like?"

"She has green eyes, thinner than she looks. Long orange hair. And she has a studded collar with her ID tag."

I was stunned. "W-What?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"On her forehead her stripes make something that looks like an M and she has extremely long whiskers. She's still very young so she's kinda small."

"Are you suggesting I go looking for a, a, a CAT!?"

"Why, yes! Of course. Why? Are you allergic or something?"

"No! But I'm a private investigator! Not a veterinarian!" I barked as I took my gin back from him and swigged some myself.



Suddenly, out of the blue, the kid just started bawling again. He put his head on the edge of my desk and wrapped his arms around his head and just cried. What the hell was wrong with this kid anyway? Maybe he had too much of my gin. I leaned back in my chair. "Hey, come on now. Quit it. Christ, okay, FINE! I'll take the bloody case."



As if he hadn't been crying at all he sat up immediately and grinned at me. "GREAT!"



"Now, I suggest we begin the subject of compensation." He stared at me, as if I had eight heads and a snake coming out of each. "What the hell did you just say? Are you calling me a thief!?" He stood up and started shouting at me, dripping water all over my desk. Muffling a laugh, I smirked at the kid and said, "Compensation means money. Can you even afford my services?"



With that he gave me a look I hadn't seen in a while. Tokio stopped looking at me like that after our third child. He slithered his way around the corners of the desk and stood next to me. Before I could react he slid his arms around my neck and sat his wet ass on my lap. Giving me bedroom eyes and bringing his warm face close to mine he whispered, "I'm sure there's something I can do to pay you."

And then I pushed him off of me and he landed on the floor with a wet thud. "Unless your body is covered in 'greenbacks' I will only accept cash." Man, if I had a camera then I would have taken a picture of the kid's face. It was priceless. He was just so incensed after being shot down. Telling from how pissed he got he'd gotten away with using his body as payment a good many times before me. Ah, the idiocy of youth.



He got off his ass and made his way back to his chair. He glared at me for a long while, and I just smiled my infamously wicked smile back at him. The kid was silent for a good while until finally he hug his head, "Fine, I can pay you. Whatever you ask, just, PLEASE find my little Mew-mew!"



"Mew-mew?" I couldn't help myself. I let the laugh slip.

"HEY! Don't laugh! It's a beautiful name!" The kid was now blushing like an idiot. It was almost cute. Okay, maybe I had too much gin.



Swallowing that lump in my throat, "So, when was the last time you saw Mew-mew?"

"Yesterday, in my apartment. We had just moved in a week earlier after breaking up with K- eh, my ex-lover. I usually leave the flat only for work and to go to the store. Then, yesterday, I came home and she was GONE! With a note left next to her water bowl"

"Do you have the note with you?"

"Ah, yes. I do" He dug around in the pocket of his pants. He had to lean back on the top of his chair, stretching his back so it was straight as he dug his hand into the minuscule pocket. No, I wasn't aroused. I swear. After he had pulled the sopping paper out of his pocket he handed it over to me.



I was expecting a typical ransom note. The kind with newspaper and magazine cut outs glued onto the paper and the like. This is what the letter said in almost unintelligible handwriting.

"Sano,

How dare you leave with my Mew-mew.

I'm taking her to where you'll never find her.

To my underground mob casino.

Don't show this to a cop or whatever.

'Cause if they find out about my underground layer then I'm pretty screwed.

Best Wishes,

Ex-lover Kenshin"



I almost couldn't believe it. What were these people thick or something? I mean who leaves a ransom note in their own handwriting, with their own signature, pleading for the person not to go to the cops because it'll ruin their organized crime? This case might just be the easiest thing I've ever had to deal with. I should charge double.



"Your ex-lover is Kenshin the Mob lord?" I asked raising one eyebrow, trying my best not to smile or laugh like a hyena at how stupid this all was. For one, this was all just incredibly ridiculous, for two, Kenshin? His ex-lover? He might as well have gone for a little woman child.



"Yes, we had a real bad break up after I found him sleeping with the lounge singer Kaoru. And he tried to kill me a few times. But that was excusable. Not that woman though" This kid really needed to sort out his priorities.



"So where is hi-", my question was cut short when out of the kid's stomach rolled a huge roar of hunger. His eyes were saucers and I paused half way with lighting a cigarette. I just stared at him until I realized the match was burning my finger. I shook my hand putting out the flame and asked the kid, "Eh, would you rather we continued this conversation over some food? We can go down to the bar downstairs."



"Y-Yeah, th-that sounds good." He was stuttering like a stuck pig. I stood up and grabbed my coat and hat off the rack. I looked back at him sitting in the chair. He was giving me a weird look. Like he wanted to ask me something. "What is it?"



"Do you have an umbrella I can borrow? I'm trying to drive off here." I pointed to my umbrella also hanging on the rack. I opened the door to my office and followed the kid out. Man, he was really still soaked. His shoes were making those squishy sounds, his shirt was see through, and his pants were clinging to his ass. I really should stop looking at his ass.





TBC

~~~~~~~

::looks at lawsuit papers from Saitou and his attorney's:: I'm being forced to apologize for the fact that Saitou-san would never, EVER fall out of his chair.