Hajime Saitou P.I.

Case of the Ahou and His Kitty





I finished up my Soba just in time to watch the little brat start into an entire cheesecake. I wondered how he stayed so lanky while he ate so much. It must be do to his rampant extracurricular activities. The hussy.

Rather than continue watching him gorge himself silly with this food, while wearing a towel on his head, which he looked like some holy being sent from above with it on, I opted to get right to work. Hajime Saitou is efficient. Hajime Saitou is no slacker. Hajime Saitou is a hard worker.

I got up from the table, yet somehow this upset the child. He stood up with a fork hanging out of his mouth and a strawberry falling from his mouth and onto the table.

"Just where in the HELL do you think YOU'RE going!?" He shouted at me, almost spraying me with graham cracker crumbs.

"I'm going to go do what you paid me to do!" I snarled back at him. Usually, snarling works on my own sons. Not this one though.

Rather, he slid the fork against his lip, tilted his head and batted his eyes at me.

"But that would ruin our date, Ha-chan."

And with that I turned right around on my heels and went for the door. I felt him stand there shocked, I could tell his mouth was hanging open and I heard the fork drop to the floor with a metallic clink. Then, almost instantly he was clinging to my waist.

I was shocked to say the least! But I didn't let on. I never lose my cool. Dammit.

He was wailing into my hip bone, "You can't leave me alone! It's not safe for me to be alone!! Kenshin will come after me! He'll hunt me down and kill me. Then I'll have to haunt my apartment and move teacups around so people think they're being attacked by evil, evil poltergeists! I'll never reach nirvana that waaaaaaaaa~~~~~yyyy!!! Saitooooouuuuu!!!"

Well, of course now everyone in the bar was looking at us. I was nearly boiling with either anger or embarrassment. Maybe both.

You should know I don't deal with being embarrassed very well. So I grabbed the kid by the arm and yanked him towards the door. I thrust my umbrella into his arms and put on my coat and hat. Then I pushed him out the door. I've been told I'm too pushy. Those people have been pushed onto a third rail. Well, maybe not literally.

I didn't stop pushing him until we were in the garage in my office building. After a while the kid got quite tired of being pushed around, so he whirled around and screamed in my face.

"NOW WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!!?"

I felt it was best to keep a low, quiet, calm tone. It adds to the mood of the scene better.

"I'm taking you where you can be safe and leave me the hell alone to do my job, the job that YOU are paying me for." I accented 'you' by poking one of my long fingers into his chest.

"Safe?"

"Just get in the car." I pushed him into the back seat of my car. Then I climbed into the drivers and set off.

And if I had any hope of a quiet ride, I was dead wrong. I figured as much though.

The kid was pestering me the ENTIRE way.

"Ne, ne! Saitou, where're we going?"

"To a safe house. My home. You can stay there until I solve this case. And believe me I will." Yeah, I know this doesn't seem like the smartest thing to do. But maybe I would get lucky and Tokio would kill him. Here's hoping.

"Ooooooooooh, scandalous! Do you treat all your clients this way?"

"The really annoying ones I shoot myself."

"Awww, then that means you like me best!" He giggled. That right there was enough to make me run this car off a cliff.

"Let's see, now where exactly does Kenshin hang out? I can drop you off there." He ignored my threat. The cheeky bastard.

"Ne, ne, ne, Saitou?"

"What?"

"Do you think we can swing by my house and pick up my stuff?"

"No. Be quiet."

"Do you have cable?"

"Shut up."

And literally it went on like that for hours. I figured if anything else in this case was as bad as that car ride, it would be a breeze. It felt as if I were a snake slithering over shards of broken glass. So when we FINALLY made it to my apartment, I threw him through the doorway, and attached a note to his shirt.

"Now, if you want to survive, don't take this paper off of you."

Then, I marched my OH so cheerful self right out of that building to make my way uptown to Kenshin's apartment.

Being that I'm ever so brilliant, I figured Kenshin would have this place under a pseudonym. A name which I easily figured out. Really, could he have tried LESS?

Arumih Nihsnek. It was too easy! I mean honestly. Do villains even TRY anymore?

Now that I was here, I needed a way to be buzzed into the building.

Problem solved. A nice elderly couple was leaving the building at the same time. So, I stuck my foot out and caught the door. Sometimes, I think I'm TOO slick. But, I really can't deny the truth. I just AM that good.

Reaching Kenshin's, or should I say Nihsnek's, apartment, I scrounged up a clever plan.

I tapped at the door in a nice friendly manner. Waiting, I could hear a female voice muttering profane comments about being dragged out of a nice nap before work. Whether it was Kenshin's voice or Kaoru's, well, who can tell.

The door flew open but was stopped short by the 'safe and protective' minuscule chain.

I was slightly surprised at how young she was. So Kenshin turned from a fairy to a cradle robber?

"How ya doin', miss? I gaht dis message frum head office sayin' dat yas oven was defective. Ay'm 'ere ta make shoore dat was a legit statement so as we can get around to makin' shoore ya lovely peoples can get a new oven. One dat isn't on da voige of explodin' ya lovely haus and home sky hoi." Doesn't my Brooklyn accent just boggle your mind? Hajime Saitou, master of disguise.

"What? Our oven is defective? Well, alright. Come on in." Now, I'm not going to say she was stupid. Because I'm sure somewhere in her mind is common sense. As to where it was at the time, I can't say. Basically what I'm saying is that, ladies, if you're home alone, never, EVER open a door to a strange man. No matter how convincing their story is. Hajime Saitou cares.