Whose Line is It Anyway, Dammit #3
Vash: Hello! Welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway, Dammit! number three where everything is made up and the points are as useful as navel fluff. I'm your host, Vash the Stampede! Let me introduce you to today's actors. He slices, he dices, he makes jullienne fries, he's E.G. Mine! Only $19.95 shipping and handling and no COD's, it's Meryl Strife! Meryl: What are you isinuating! Vash: *gulp* Nothing! Really! Anyways, on two CD's or cassettes, it's Nicholas D. Wolfwood. And finally, he wipes away unwanted body hair with ease, it's Legato Bluesummers! Legato: I hate infomercials...Especially the ones with that stupid Billy Mays. SCREW YOU OXYCLEAN! Vash: ... Let's not waste any time. Our first game is called "Alphabet". This one's for E.G., Meryl, and Legato. We need a letter to start on (audience) Theta? We need an English letter. (audience) "Y"? Okay, the letter is "Y". We also need a scene. (audience) Okay. You guys are lumberjacks. E.G.: You should really work on your swing, Meryl. Legato: Zazie's a better lumberjack than you! Meryl: All right. Stop making picking on me. Legato: But it's fun! E.G.: Don't you remember, Meryl? The Sacred Code of the Lumberjack requires more experienced lumberjacks help out the new ones. Legato: Eh? Meryl: Fine. I'll try harder. E.G.: Great, That's the spirit. Legato, what are you doing? Legato: Ha! While you fools were messing around, I stole the Sacred Code of the Lumberjack. Now I shall be all powerful! Meryl: I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay... Legato: Just shut up with those mirthful Monty Python songs. I'm going to become the legendary Neo- Lumberjack! E.G.: Kill him before he transforms! Meryl: Lumberjacks that are truly great would never do something like that! Legato: Mwahahahaha! First the Yukon, then the world! E.G.: Now now, let's not go on a power trip. Meryl: Oh no! What are we going to do!? E.G.: Perhaps we could- Meryl: Quickly! He's transforming! E.G.: Ready? On the count of three, we'll push this conviniently placed partially chopped tree on him! Meryl: Start now! E.G. and Meryl: Three, Two, One, PUSH! Legato: (falls on ground) Ugh! You got me! E.G.: Very good Meryl! You're a better lumberjack than I thought! Meryl: What kind of things can you make from this particular wood? E.G.: Xylophone cases, I think... Legato: You two hurry up! This tree's heavy! Vash: (buzzer) That was great! 500 hundred points for Legato, and only 50 for E.G. and Meryl for pushing trees on people. Time for our next game: Scenes from a Hat. This game is for everyone. (Characters assemble) Our studio audience has earlier submitted these different categories that our actors will improv. Ready? Let's go. First, (draws from hat) Monev the Gale's childhood problems. Legato.: Mommy mommy! Where's my nightlight?! Wolfwood: Dad! I wet the bed again. Meryl: Monev! Not another nosebleed! You need to stop picking your nose! Vash: (buzzer) Empty things. Legato: Hi. I'm Milly Thompson's head! Vash: (buzzer) That's mean. Really stupid laws. Wolfwood: If, on a Friday, you should step on someone's fingers, you must go to the Salerno cookie company and get a fresh 13"x9" box of 57 count chocolate chunk cookies. Tie a burnt sienna, goldenrod, and chartreuse ribbon 2.48365 inches from the top left corner and deliver the cookies at 3:57 the following afternoon with a 2.983 page written apology in #4 lead pensil. *gasp* Vash: I'm really glad you don't make laws, Wolfwood. Wolfwood: Me too. Vash: Anyways, things that explode. E.G.: Look at me! I'm Puppetmaster Loenof! Legato: Look at me! I'm Vash's head after thinking too much. Vash: (buzzer) That's not nice. No points for any of you. I ate them. Our next game is for Wolfwood and Meryl. It's called "Whose Line" Each preformer has a phrase in each of their pockets that the audience has written down earlier. They must take turns readings them throughout their conversation. We need a scene. (audience) That's a good one. You are riding on a moped at night. Meryl: You shouldn't have hit that bum. It wasn't very nice. Wolfwood: I'm sure he won't mind. Meryl: That's still not nice. You should (pulls paper out of pocket) "Never put beer and melted cheese in your mouth at the same time". Wolfwood: I'll be sure to remember that. Meryl: Anytime. I'm full of useful advice. Anything you want to talk about? Wolfwood: Actually, (pulls out paper) "My hat, it has three corners" Meryl: Three corners has your hat? Wolfwood: And if it had not three corners. Meryl: It wouldn't be your hat because (paper out of pocket) "My bum is on the gum. My bum is on the gum. I can blow a bubble with my bum bum bum. Wolfwood: Wow. That must require a lot of talent. Meryl: (Very angry) Of course it does!!! How else can you get on such a stupid show with such a stupid audience if you didn't have that kind of talent!? Wolwood: Don't get so angry. When I get mad I (pulls out paper) "Eat dung beetles. They're tasty. Vash: (buzzer) A thousand points for both of you, but minus 999 from Meryl for insulting the show. Meryl: Stupid stupid STUPID!!!! Vash: *gulp* well, It's time to pick our winner, and that'd be Wolfwood!!! (audience cheers) Wolfwood. Yes! I get to sit in the chair! Vash: Um.. yeah. Wolfwod: All right! It's time for a hoedown! (cheering) Okay audience, we need a topic for the hoedown (audience shouts suggestions) Let's have a Kuronekosama hoedown! (hoedown music)
E.G.: From the desert I was rolling to a city Looking for people to make run and flee! I was causing chaos and trauma Until I was K.O.ed by Kuronekosama! (music)
Meryl: At the office I was doing paperwork Because of property damage by that stupid jerk! I was about to fill out all this and all that, But then, on my paper, was a green-eyed black cat! (music)
Vash: One day I was spreading love and peace But I got hungry and wanted food to eat! So I was looking through some peoples trash, But the only thing to eat was Mr. Black Cat! (music)
Legato: Kuronekosama was begging me for food I decided that it was very rude! Why should I share my lunch with a stupid cat? When I threw him out the window he hit the ground with a splat!
(complete silence)
Wolfwood: Um, Legato? Remember what happend last time someone made Kuronekosama angry? Legato: What? That bug problem? (see chap. 2) That was nothing. Kuronekosama is jus a stupid cat. (out of the rafters above, Kuronekosama himself falls on Legato's head, biting and thrashing) Legato: Get this thing off me!!! Vash: We seem to be out of time. Until next week, Legato will be getting stitches. This is Vash the Stampede, Goodnight everybody!
Authors note: If this in any way offends you, don't get angry at me. You Billy Mays fans (all 3 of you) should find another bandwagon to hop on. If your dad is a lumberjack or something, I would like to see the sacred code sometime ^_-
Vash: Hello! Welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway, Dammit! number three where everything is made up and the points are as useful as navel fluff. I'm your host, Vash the Stampede! Let me introduce you to today's actors. He slices, he dices, he makes jullienne fries, he's E.G. Mine! Only $19.95 shipping and handling and no COD's, it's Meryl Strife! Meryl: What are you isinuating! Vash: *gulp* Nothing! Really! Anyways, on two CD's or cassettes, it's Nicholas D. Wolfwood. And finally, he wipes away unwanted body hair with ease, it's Legato Bluesummers! Legato: I hate infomercials...Especially the ones with that stupid Billy Mays. SCREW YOU OXYCLEAN! Vash: ... Let's not waste any time. Our first game is called "Alphabet". This one's for E.G., Meryl, and Legato. We need a letter to start on (audience) Theta? We need an English letter. (audience) "Y"? Okay, the letter is "Y". We also need a scene. (audience) Okay. You guys are lumberjacks. E.G.: You should really work on your swing, Meryl. Legato: Zazie's a better lumberjack than you! Meryl: All right. Stop making picking on me. Legato: But it's fun! E.G.: Don't you remember, Meryl? The Sacred Code of the Lumberjack requires more experienced lumberjacks help out the new ones. Legato: Eh? Meryl: Fine. I'll try harder. E.G.: Great, That's the spirit. Legato, what are you doing? Legato: Ha! While you fools were messing around, I stole the Sacred Code of the Lumberjack. Now I shall be all powerful! Meryl: I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay... Legato: Just shut up with those mirthful Monty Python songs. I'm going to become the legendary Neo- Lumberjack! E.G.: Kill him before he transforms! Meryl: Lumberjacks that are truly great would never do something like that! Legato: Mwahahahaha! First the Yukon, then the world! E.G.: Now now, let's not go on a power trip. Meryl: Oh no! What are we going to do!? E.G.: Perhaps we could- Meryl: Quickly! He's transforming! E.G.: Ready? On the count of three, we'll push this conviniently placed partially chopped tree on him! Meryl: Start now! E.G. and Meryl: Three, Two, One, PUSH! Legato: (falls on ground) Ugh! You got me! E.G.: Very good Meryl! You're a better lumberjack than I thought! Meryl: What kind of things can you make from this particular wood? E.G.: Xylophone cases, I think... Legato: You two hurry up! This tree's heavy! Vash: (buzzer) That was great! 500 hundred points for Legato, and only 50 for E.G. and Meryl for pushing trees on people. Time for our next game: Scenes from a Hat. This game is for everyone. (Characters assemble) Our studio audience has earlier submitted these different categories that our actors will improv. Ready? Let's go. First, (draws from hat) Monev the Gale's childhood problems. Legato.: Mommy mommy! Where's my nightlight?! Wolfwood: Dad! I wet the bed again. Meryl: Monev! Not another nosebleed! You need to stop picking your nose! Vash: (buzzer) Empty things. Legato: Hi. I'm Milly Thompson's head! Vash: (buzzer) That's mean. Really stupid laws. Wolfwood: If, on a Friday, you should step on someone's fingers, you must go to the Salerno cookie company and get a fresh 13"x9" box of 57 count chocolate chunk cookies. Tie a burnt sienna, goldenrod, and chartreuse ribbon 2.48365 inches from the top left corner and deliver the cookies at 3:57 the following afternoon with a 2.983 page written apology in #4 lead pensil. *gasp* Vash: I'm really glad you don't make laws, Wolfwood. Wolfwood: Me too. Vash: Anyways, things that explode. E.G.: Look at me! I'm Puppetmaster Loenof! Legato: Look at me! I'm Vash's head after thinking too much. Vash: (buzzer) That's not nice. No points for any of you. I ate them. Our next game is for Wolfwood and Meryl. It's called "Whose Line" Each preformer has a phrase in each of their pockets that the audience has written down earlier. They must take turns readings them throughout their conversation. We need a scene. (audience) That's a good one. You are riding on a moped at night. Meryl: You shouldn't have hit that bum. It wasn't very nice. Wolfwood: I'm sure he won't mind. Meryl: That's still not nice. You should (pulls paper out of pocket) "Never put beer and melted cheese in your mouth at the same time". Wolfwood: I'll be sure to remember that. Meryl: Anytime. I'm full of useful advice. Anything you want to talk about? Wolfwood: Actually, (pulls out paper) "My hat, it has three corners" Meryl: Three corners has your hat? Wolfwood: And if it had not three corners. Meryl: It wouldn't be your hat because (paper out of pocket) "My bum is on the gum. My bum is on the gum. I can blow a bubble with my bum bum bum. Wolfwood: Wow. That must require a lot of talent. Meryl: (Very angry) Of course it does!!! How else can you get on such a stupid show with such a stupid audience if you didn't have that kind of talent!? Wolwood: Don't get so angry. When I get mad I (pulls out paper) "Eat dung beetles. They're tasty. Vash: (buzzer) A thousand points for both of you, but minus 999 from Meryl for insulting the show. Meryl: Stupid stupid STUPID!!!! Vash: *gulp* well, It's time to pick our winner, and that'd be Wolfwood!!! (audience cheers) Wolfwood. Yes! I get to sit in the chair! Vash: Um.. yeah. Wolfwod: All right! It's time for a hoedown! (cheering) Okay audience, we need a topic for the hoedown (audience shouts suggestions) Let's have a Kuronekosama hoedown! (hoedown music)
E.G.: From the desert I was rolling to a city Looking for people to make run and flee! I was causing chaos and trauma Until I was K.O.ed by Kuronekosama! (music)
Meryl: At the office I was doing paperwork Because of property damage by that stupid jerk! I was about to fill out all this and all that, But then, on my paper, was a green-eyed black cat! (music)
Vash: One day I was spreading love and peace But I got hungry and wanted food to eat! So I was looking through some peoples trash, But the only thing to eat was Mr. Black Cat! (music)
Legato: Kuronekosama was begging me for food I decided that it was very rude! Why should I share my lunch with a stupid cat? When I threw him out the window he hit the ground with a splat!
(complete silence)
Wolfwood: Um, Legato? Remember what happend last time someone made Kuronekosama angry? Legato: What? That bug problem? (see chap. 2) That was nothing. Kuronekosama is jus a stupid cat. (out of the rafters above, Kuronekosama himself falls on Legato's head, biting and thrashing) Legato: Get this thing off me!!! Vash: We seem to be out of time. Until next week, Legato will be getting stitches. This is Vash the Stampede, Goodnight everybody!
Authors note: If this in any way offends you, don't get angry at me. You Billy Mays fans (all 3 of you) should find another bandwagon to hop on. If your dad is a lumberjack or something, I would like to see the sacred code sometime ^_-