Hello all, yes I'm starting another fic, but it won't be comedy. This
is of course Usagi/Mamoru and basically I have them against the rest of the
world. This first chapter will be very dark as I've had a horribly wretched
day and the only way I can keep going without screaming or crying any more
is to write. This is my therapy along with listening to the most depressing
music I own. To those looking for my other story I had begun "What if I
do?" don't bother. I got too many flames and too many disparaging remarks
and couldn't take anymore. Perhaps I am a moral-less and loose person who
is a horrid writer, maybe those flamers were right, I don't know. Anyway,
here I go again, please read and review but be kind. NO FLAMES. If this one
gets the same reaction my other one did then I'll take it down as well and
consider taking all my stuff of FF.net altogether. (Yes I'm feeling sorry
for myself today.) Standard disclaimers apply. SM not mine, someone else's.
It was the words that had sunk in first. 'You have no talent, you are a horrible person, you can't do anything right, I wish I'd never met you.' Tsukino Usagi stood there as the words ran through her mind, her unable to even move, unable to do anything other than cry. Her day which had started so promising had gone from bad to worse as the insults mounted, as the disparaging remarks continued, as the teasing never ceased. She noticed her teacher Ms. Haruna staring at her strangely. "Usagi," she began. "Go home for the day. Is there anything you want to talk about?"
Usagi shook her head, desperate to get out of the school and away from her teacher. 'I can't take this anymore. I have to escape.' She thought. "I'm fine Haruna-sensei." She pasted a false smile on her face and prayed that her teacher went for it.
"Dismissed."
Usagi ran from her teacher's presence, out the door and away from the school as fast as her feet would take her. She ran towards the forest, towards the thickest part of the woods where she could scream and no one would hear. She ignored the pedestrians who gave startled looks to her as she ran with a single minded intensity, ignored the voices of her friends calling to her, ignored the voice of her boyfriend Mamoru. She ignored it all and ran, finding the running itself therapeutic. Following the pathless forest instinctively, knowing more by feel than by anything else where she was going, she reached 'her' spot and collapsed, letting the tears flow the way she wanted. Loud and coarse, each one seeming to tear up her soul, ripping another piece of her out and laying it bare. Normally her tears cleansed her and made her feel better, but this time her tears only sank her deeper into the black pit that had opened at her feet, a pit into which she sank deeper. 'There's no way out.' She thought despairingly. 'I can't take this any longer.' What was the point of going home? She was so tired she couldn't sleep anymore, so she just paced her room endlessly at night, and when she could sneak away from Luna and Chibi Usa she wandered the streets of Juuban not caring where she went, not caring who saw her. What would it matter if she died?
"Usako?" a quiet voice broke through her thoughts.
She lifted her red-tinged eyes to the frantic eyes of Mamoru who breathed a sigh of relief. He asked no other words, just held his arms out for her to go to them. With a heart-wrenching wail she threw herself into his arms and let the tears come again. She couldn't find the words to speak, so she touched their link and let everything she felt course through her. "Let me die." She whispered harshly.
"What?" he looked at her, startled.
"It's just easier than dealing with the pain." She shook her head.
"Was it her again?" he asked, knowing that she was a target at school.
"It's not even that," she sighed, her tears starting to fade, though her body shook terribly. "It's everything Mamo-chan."
"I don't understand."
"What I've felt, what I've known, never shined through in what I've sown, I'll never be free, never be me." She explained. "Today it got to me. I can't be myself, I can't be who I want to be. I have to live up to the expectations of a world that won't miss me if I die for it."
"How could you say that Usako?" he looked at her, fear in his eyes.
"Never free, never me." She repeated, obviously inconsolable, unable to listen to any words other than the horrible insults that had been thrown at her this day, the horrible scolding she had received before she had even opened her eyes, the fight she had gotten into in school that had resulted in her detention, the insults thrown at her for the one thing she had thought she was good at, only to realize that she wasn't good at all.
Mamoru didn't say a word, he just gathered her in his arms and carried her to his apartment.
Minako and Rei crossed paths as they paced Mamoru's apartment. He still hadn't come out of his room with Usagi. A bolt of lighting tore the sky and Artemis frowned at Makoto who looked unapologetic. "I don't care about controlling my feelings right now." She said in a tight voice.
"What happened?" Rei asked in a dangerously low voice. Someone had hurt her princess badly and whoever it was WOULD pay. She loved to hate Usagi, fought with her like a dog with her bone, but when the chips were down she was her strongest supporter.
Ami closed her book and sighed. "She wasn't in the best mood when she arrived at school today, I can only guess that Luna laid into her for something this morning."
Makoto nodded. "Right, and then that bastard Merltak and his bitchy girlfriend Ingra really got into it with her about her grades. Usagi had actually done well on her test and was proud, and Ingra laid into her for no reason at all. She called her stupid and moronic, told her to get off her high horse, told her to stop acting like such a prima donna, like she was so important to all, told her she was a nothing, lower than the dirt, lower than worms and that's all she ever would be. Her so-called talents were worthless, her abilities less than nothing and the only reason she's ever made it this far was because people took pity on her because she'll never get any further in life on her own."
Ami picked up when Makoto stopped for breath. "Then Merltak jumped in and told her she was nothing but a loose bitch with no morals and no values because she spent so much time with a man who was older than she was. He called her so many names that I really can't repeat them."
"What did Usagi do?" Rei questioned.
"She stood there and took it like she always does." Makoto replied.
"And you didn't do anything in her defense?" Rei's voice raised dangerously.
"We couldn't! She's made us promise not to do anything for her when we are school! She says she has to learn to stand on her own two feet and that means that we can't help her no matter how much we want to." Makoto protested. "Otherwise I would have pounded them into mulch!"
"So what can we do?" Rei questioned, feeling the urge to hurt something, break something.
"We wait." Ami said sitting back.
Mamoru smoothed the hair off Usagi's forehead and watched her sleeping face. He would have left to rejoin the girls in the living room, but Usagi refused to let go of him and so he compromised by laying next to her and holding her. Her body had finally stopped shaking and she had relaxed after she fell asleep, though he could only imagine what she was dreaming as the occasional sob still shook her body and tears leaked through her closed eyes. "Poor Usako," he whispered. "You've had a bitch of a day." He had felt everything she did through the link, it was how he had tracked her once his initial shock at her emotions had faded. He normally didn't follow her when she wanted to be alone, but he didn't trust her emotional state or judgement at this point. It was one of those days to the umpteenth degree and he couldn't help her, couldn't do anything else for the one he loved but hold her and hope it was enough.
Usagi's dreams were tormented by the mocking voices and faces of Ingra and Merltak, joined by the faces of her friends, Naru, Umino, Luna, Chibi Usa, Mamoru. She writhed on the bed, her body a whirling dervish as her mind tortured her worse than the people ever could. Opening her mouth in a silent scream, she couldn't make a sound. In her dreams she was told that her fondest gift, her most cherished dream, her most secret desire – to be a writer was worthless. She was talentless, her work not good enough to read by an illiterate slug much less the common person. Her writing that she nurtured and adored, that she had lived for ever since she first picked up a pencil and learned her letters when she was 6 years old, her escape, her salvation, her desire. Mamoru knew, as did the Senshi and Naru, but no one else. No one else knew of her secret passion, no had ever read her work. Taking a chance she had used her own original ideas to create a story she had felt was spellbinding, putting her heart and soul into it, only to be shot down like nothing. She was nothing. Her talent was imagined, her writing not worth the paper it was written on. She was failure in school, in life, in her Senshi skills, and now her failure was complete. Hearing the mocking voices, remembering those hurtful words tears leaked from her closed eyes. She did not see the look of concern on Mamoru's face as she flailed about on his bed, did not see him shield himself from her flailing arms.
'Worthless, useless, moral-less whore…' the seductive whisper coursed through her mind and weakened her ever further. Opening her eyes, unable to take anymore of the torture, she let out a bloodcurdling scream and sat up.
The Senshi had tried to keep their concern low-key until they heard the agonized moans from Mamoru's room. Ami had discreetly knocked on the door and Mamoru had responded in a low voice telling them Usagi was in the grips of a nightmare and there was no way in hell he was leaving her. After she had checked in and seen the death grip Usagi and on Mamoru, she nodded and reported back to the Senshi. Minako was already on the phone with the Outers, feeling they deserved to know. The talked quietly amongst themselves, worry lacing the room, their tension rising. Rei paced like a caged tiger her sixth sense telling her something was not right.
And then Usagi screamed.
A dark voice laughed from the shadows as it watched the tortured soul. Delighting in the pain it was giving to one who deserved nothing less, the voice receded deeper into darkness to ponder the next part of its sinister plan. "First I take the mind, then the rest is child's play."
And that is the end of Chapter 1. As I said it was dark, so you were warned! As I mentioned earlier I've had a horrid day and this pretty much describes it here in this story, and forgive me but I did use some direct quotes from the emails I received today, so to those who wrote them – and you know who you are, thank you for inspiring me to write a truly angst- ridden story. I would have hated to have written something light. No Flames please and hopefully chapter 2 will lighten up a bit, and hopefully my mood will improve and I'll be able to write something other than what I feel inside. And yes, the description of Usagi's writing is my description of my writing. So read review and be kind and remember – tomorrow will be lighter and better! It can't possibly get any worse than this! Anyone who wants to email me happy thoughts…it would be most appreciated!
Ja ne.
It was the words that had sunk in first. 'You have no talent, you are a horrible person, you can't do anything right, I wish I'd never met you.' Tsukino Usagi stood there as the words ran through her mind, her unable to even move, unable to do anything other than cry. Her day which had started so promising had gone from bad to worse as the insults mounted, as the disparaging remarks continued, as the teasing never ceased. She noticed her teacher Ms. Haruna staring at her strangely. "Usagi," she began. "Go home for the day. Is there anything you want to talk about?"
Usagi shook her head, desperate to get out of the school and away from her teacher. 'I can't take this anymore. I have to escape.' She thought. "I'm fine Haruna-sensei." She pasted a false smile on her face and prayed that her teacher went for it.
"Dismissed."
Usagi ran from her teacher's presence, out the door and away from the school as fast as her feet would take her. She ran towards the forest, towards the thickest part of the woods where she could scream and no one would hear. She ignored the pedestrians who gave startled looks to her as she ran with a single minded intensity, ignored the voices of her friends calling to her, ignored the voice of her boyfriend Mamoru. She ignored it all and ran, finding the running itself therapeutic. Following the pathless forest instinctively, knowing more by feel than by anything else where she was going, she reached 'her' spot and collapsed, letting the tears flow the way she wanted. Loud and coarse, each one seeming to tear up her soul, ripping another piece of her out and laying it bare. Normally her tears cleansed her and made her feel better, but this time her tears only sank her deeper into the black pit that had opened at her feet, a pit into which she sank deeper. 'There's no way out.' She thought despairingly. 'I can't take this any longer.' What was the point of going home? She was so tired she couldn't sleep anymore, so she just paced her room endlessly at night, and when she could sneak away from Luna and Chibi Usa she wandered the streets of Juuban not caring where she went, not caring who saw her. What would it matter if she died?
"Usako?" a quiet voice broke through her thoughts.
She lifted her red-tinged eyes to the frantic eyes of Mamoru who breathed a sigh of relief. He asked no other words, just held his arms out for her to go to them. With a heart-wrenching wail she threw herself into his arms and let the tears come again. She couldn't find the words to speak, so she touched their link and let everything she felt course through her. "Let me die." She whispered harshly.
"What?" he looked at her, startled.
"It's just easier than dealing with the pain." She shook her head.
"Was it her again?" he asked, knowing that she was a target at school.
"It's not even that," she sighed, her tears starting to fade, though her body shook terribly. "It's everything Mamo-chan."
"I don't understand."
"What I've felt, what I've known, never shined through in what I've sown, I'll never be free, never be me." She explained. "Today it got to me. I can't be myself, I can't be who I want to be. I have to live up to the expectations of a world that won't miss me if I die for it."
"How could you say that Usako?" he looked at her, fear in his eyes.
"Never free, never me." She repeated, obviously inconsolable, unable to listen to any words other than the horrible insults that had been thrown at her this day, the horrible scolding she had received before she had even opened her eyes, the fight she had gotten into in school that had resulted in her detention, the insults thrown at her for the one thing she had thought she was good at, only to realize that she wasn't good at all.
Mamoru didn't say a word, he just gathered her in his arms and carried her to his apartment.
Minako and Rei crossed paths as they paced Mamoru's apartment. He still hadn't come out of his room with Usagi. A bolt of lighting tore the sky and Artemis frowned at Makoto who looked unapologetic. "I don't care about controlling my feelings right now." She said in a tight voice.
"What happened?" Rei asked in a dangerously low voice. Someone had hurt her princess badly and whoever it was WOULD pay. She loved to hate Usagi, fought with her like a dog with her bone, but when the chips were down she was her strongest supporter.
Ami closed her book and sighed. "She wasn't in the best mood when she arrived at school today, I can only guess that Luna laid into her for something this morning."
Makoto nodded. "Right, and then that bastard Merltak and his bitchy girlfriend Ingra really got into it with her about her grades. Usagi had actually done well on her test and was proud, and Ingra laid into her for no reason at all. She called her stupid and moronic, told her to get off her high horse, told her to stop acting like such a prima donna, like she was so important to all, told her she was a nothing, lower than the dirt, lower than worms and that's all she ever would be. Her so-called talents were worthless, her abilities less than nothing and the only reason she's ever made it this far was because people took pity on her because she'll never get any further in life on her own."
Ami picked up when Makoto stopped for breath. "Then Merltak jumped in and told her she was nothing but a loose bitch with no morals and no values because she spent so much time with a man who was older than she was. He called her so many names that I really can't repeat them."
"What did Usagi do?" Rei questioned.
"She stood there and took it like she always does." Makoto replied.
"And you didn't do anything in her defense?" Rei's voice raised dangerously.
"We couldn't! She's made us promise not to do anything for her when we are school! She says she has to learn to stand on her own two feet and that means that we can't help her no matter how much we want to." Makoto protested. "Otherwise I would have pounded them into mulch!"
"So what can we do?" Rei questioned, feeling the urge to hurt something, break something.
"We wait." Ami said sitting back.
Mamoru smoothed the hair off Usagi's forehead and watched her sleeping face. He would have left to rejoin the girls in the living room, but Usagi refused to let go of him and so he compromised by laying next to her and holding her. Her body had finally stopped shaking and she had relaxed after she fell asleep, though he could only imagine what she was dreaming as the occasional sob still shook her body and tears leaked through her closed eyes. "Poor Usako," he whispered. "You've had a bitch of a day." He had felt everything she did through the link, it was how he had tracked her once his initial shock at her emotions had faded. He normally didn't follow her when she wanted to be alone, but he didn't trust her emotional state or judgement at this point. It was one of those days to the umpteenth degree and he couldn't help her, couldn't do anything else for the one he loved but hold her and hope it was enough.
Usagi's dreams were tormented by the mocking voices and faces of Ingra and Merltak, joined by the faces of her friends, Naru, Umino, Luna, Chibi Usa, Mamoru. She writhed on the bed, her body a whirling dervish as her mind tortured her worse than the people ever could. Opening her mouth in a silent scream, she couldn't make a sound. In her dreams she was told that her fondest gift, her most cherished dream, her most secret desire – to be a writer was worthless. She was talentless, her work not good enough to read by an illiterate slug much less the common person. Her writing that she nurtured and adored, that she had lived for ever since she first picked up a pencil and learned her letters when she was 6 years old, her escape, her salvation, her desire. Mamoru knew, as did the Senshi and Naru, but no one else. No one else knew of her secret passion, no had ever read her work. Taking a chance she had used her own original ideas to create a story she had felt was spellbinding, putting her heart and soul into it, only to be shot down like nothing. She was nothing. Her talent was imagined, her writing not worth the paper it was written on. She was failure in school, in life, in her Senshi skills, and now her failure was complete. Hearing the mocking voices, remembering those hurtful words tears leaked from her closed eyes. She did not see the look of concern on Mamoru's face as she flailed about on his bed, did not see him shield himself from her flailing arms.
'Worthless, useless, moral-less whore…' the seductive whisper coursed through her mind and weakened her ever further. Opening her eyes, unable to take anymore of the torture, she let out a bloodcurdling scream and sat up.
The Senshi had tried to keep their concern low-key until they heard the agonized moans from Mamoru's room. Ami had discreetly knocked on the door and Mamoru had responded in a low voice telling them Usagi was in the grips of a nightmare and there was no way in hell he was leaving her. After she had checked in and seen the death grip Usagi and on Mamoru, she nodded and reported back to the Senshi. Minako was already on the phone with the Outers, feeling they deserved to know. The talked quietly amongst themselves, worry lacing the room, their tension rising. Rei paced like a caged tiger her sixth sense telling her something was not right.
And then Usagi screamed.
A dark voice laughed from the shadows as it watched the tortured soul. Delighting in the pain it was giving to one who deserved nothing less, the voice receded deeper into darkness to ponder the next part of its sinister plan. "First I take the mind, then the rest is child's play."
And that is the end of Chapter 1. As I said it was dark, so you were warned! As I mentioned earlier I've had a horrid day and this pretty much describes it here in this story, and forgive me but I did use some direct quotes from the emails I received today, so to those who wrote them – and you know who you are, thank you for inspiring me to write a truly angst- ridden story. I would have hated to have written something light. No Flames please and hopefully chapter 2 will lighten up a bit, and hopefully my mood will improve and I'll be able to write something other than what I feel inside. And yes, the description of Usagi's writing is my description of my writing. So read review and be kind and remember – tomorrow will be lighter and better! It can't possibly get any worse than this! Anyone who wants to email me happy thoughts…it would be most appreciated!
Ja ne.