XX
SUNDAY:
It was amazing how quickly anger transmuted into crushing guilt.
Josh looked awful. And now that he thought about it, Leo was pretty damn sure he'd looked just as awful yesterday - but he'd put it down to the weight of his stupid mistake.
Which, of course, it had been.
But that itself might not have been enough to throw him headfirst into a PTSD attack. No, it had taken a little bit of icing on the cake to manage that.
Fireworks. It had never even occurred to him that sending Josh to the fundraiser would be anything more than an inconvenience for him. It had been two birds and one stone; a way for Josh to make some sort of amends to pissed Congressional Democrats and, yes, a little bit of punishment too. But he hadn't stopped to think exactly what that punishment would truly entail. And why not? Because he'd just assumed Josh was over that. Better. Cured.
The thought had a bitter flavour to it. As if he didn't know better than anyone that there were things you never got 'cured' of.
Fireworks. How the hell could I be so-?
His thoughts were interrupted as Josh straightened his shoulders, in his own oddly rumpled way coming to attention. "You'll have my resignation on your desk later this morning," he said softly.
The soft tone of voice was the dangerous one. The one that said he'd already found his position, and there wasn't any place to insert the lever to try and shift it.
"No."
"Leo-" His denial was out before Josh finished the sentence, and Josh's rebuttal barely a half second later. They both already knew exactly where each side of this conversation was going, but neither was budging.
"Out of the question," Leo said forcefully. He gave his deputy the glare that said he'd better shut the hell up if he knew what was good for him.
"Leo, it's the best way," Josh said. Still quiet. And somehow that made it far harder to get him to back down than when he was shouting.
"The hell it is!" Leo retorted.
"I have to do this."
"No, you think you ought to, and that's not the same thing." Godammit, what was it with this staff and their lemming-like urge to throw their careers off the top of high scandals 'for the good of the administration'?
Josh looked him in the eye. "I'm not changing my decision."
Leo met his gaze evenly. "And I'm not accepting your decision."
For a second they stared each other down. Then the door to the Oval Office swung open, and they both twisted round.
"Mr. President."
"Mr. President." Well, at least that was one thing they could reach some kind of harmony on.
"Leo. Josh." The president's face grew concerned, and he walked over to lay a hand on Josh's arm. It was a way Jed had about him that Leo had always envied; a kind of ease with himself where he would never think to hesitate over physical contact whenever he deemed it needed.
"Josh, how are you? Are you okay?"
Josh shifted awkward, obviously uncomfortable. "I, I'm fine." He drew back from the president's grip and straightened his collar - considering his general appearance, a fairly transparent, not to mention ineffectual, ploy. He took a breath, and Leo knew what was coming. "Sir, I'll resign before the day is over."
Jed gave the younger man one of his avuncular puzzled frowns, the ones that even Leo, knowing the sharpness of the mind behind them, found hard to believe could be calculated. "And why is that?" he asked gently.
Josh stuttered for a reply. "I, sir, I... the repercussions of-"
"Ah." The president leaned back and smiled knowingly. "Of course. You're worried about public reaction to the revelation that you suffer from a condition which can occasionally recur and incapacitate you, and that you kept it a secret."
Josh hung his head and half-smiled for a moment, acknowledging the sharpness of the remark. Then he straightened up. "Sir, it's not about that, it's, it's more than that," he insisted.
The president's gaze grew more intent. "What do you mean?" he asked quietly.
"Sir, I've become a liability to this administration." Josh closed his eyes briefly as he spoke. "I'm a loose cannon, I fly off the handle too quickly and too easily. And if this last two days has been any indication of anything, it's that my judgement has wavered past the point of political usefulness." He opened his eyes and looked at the president levelly. "Sir, as your political advisor, I am advising you that the best solution here is for me to offer you my resignation."
Despite his long knowledge of Jed Bartlet and the way he worked, Leo's breath caught in his throat as he watched the two men regard each other in silence. The ball was in Jed's court now; Leo only prayed he would know exactly how to hit it where it needed to go.
After a long moment, the president let out a quiet breath. "So, in your judgement, I should accept your resignation because your judgement is flawed?" he asked.
Josh smiled faintly. "Well, sir, you should look at it this way. If my advice is uncompromised, then it's in your best interest to follow it. And if I'm so far gone that I can't even give an accurate reading on my own mental state..."
"Well, that's fascinating logic, but you're forgetting one thing," Jed pointed out.
"What's that, Mr. President?"
"You're full of crap." He folded his arms. "Josh, it's Sunday. You're going to go home, get some rest, and then you're going to come back on Monday and get right back to work. That's a presidential order."
Josh bowed his head in acknowledgement, but as he left the Oval Office Leo caught his eye. A cold glint of determination still lingered, and Leo knew that whatever happened, Joshua Lyman wasn't going to be stopped from giving in without putting up a fight.
"Josh." Donna scrambled to her feet, all pretence of actually doing any work completely abandoned. He walked straight past her into his office.
"You don't need to be here, Donna, go home."
This, she didn't consider worthy of an answer. She followed him through the doorway. "What do you need me to do?"
He stopped rifling through the papers on his desk, and sighed. "Okay. I need you to go and find Sam."
"And what do I do with him when I've found him?"
Josh offered her a tentative smile. "I want you to ask him if he'd be willing to take you on as his new personal assistant. I know you could get a job practically anywhere in this building, or, you know, anywhere else either, but I thought you'd prefer to-"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let go of them wild horses, Joshua." She stared at him. "They fired you?"
"Donna-"
She wasn't about to listen to any protests about how this was the best thing for the administration. Because, obviously, it wasn't. She felt her temperature beginning to rise. "They fired you? They can't do that! It's, it's, it's blatantly unfair, not to mention hypocritical, and they can't just-" She couldn't even find the words. Donna turned on her heel and started marching in the direction of the Oval Office. "I'm gonna walk right in there and tell them, I'm gonna tell them-"
"Donna!" She stopped walking abruptly as Josh raised his voice into a shout. She slowly turned to face him. "Donna, nobody fired me," he said gently.
"Then what the hell was all that about making me an assistant to Sam?" she demanded loudly. Fragile condition be damned, he had no business shocking the hell out of her like that.
"Nobody fired me," Josh repeated, looking her in the eye. "I'm resigning."
Donna blinked. "You're doing what now?"
"I'm resigning."
She shook her head angrily. "Oh, Josh, for-"
"I'm serious," he said sharply. "I told Leo, I told the president, I'm handing in my resignation."
Good God, he was serious. "And they accepted?" Maybe she might just be marching on the Oval Office after all. After everything Josh had done for them...
Josh's mouth twisted into a bitter smile. "No. No, they think I'm making a mistake." He took a deep breath. "I'm not making a mistake. I'm right about this, and they know it, and sooner or later they'll see it. And they will accept my resignation. Because it's the right thing to do."
"Josh..." Donna was caught off guard as he stepped up close, invading her personal space, and laid a finger on her lips to quiet her. He gave her a warm, affectionate smile.
"Donna, I know you've got faith in me," he said softly. "More than I'd ever ask you to have. And way, way more than I deserve." He stepped back. "But nobody's changing my mind about this. It's the right thing to do, and I'm going to do it."
He shrugged on his suit jacket, and started to walk away. In the doorway he turned, and looked back at her. "And now I'm going home." He smiled. "Don't try and follow me, okay? Go talk to Sam about that job."
And though her lip trembled as he walked out, she couldn't think of a single thing to say to call him back.