"AHHH! BRAINS!!!!!"
Written by Anna-mathe
All rights reserved, for I
have none.
Dedicated to everyone who
hates Yuli, likes Anubis, and loves . . . cheese.
"White Blaze! White Blaze, give it baaaaaack!!!"
came the pathetic whine of young child.
Mia
looked up and tried not to scream in agony as Yuli bounded into the kitchen.
"Mia!!"
he wailed. "White Blaze ate my sock!"
Ah. This was, at long last, the final straw.
"He
ate your sock?!" Mia repeated, snapping around to face the little
hooligan. "And how many times have I
told you to keep your socks on your FEET?!?!"
Yuli
looked up at her and began to bawl. Big
time. The ultra waterworks.
Mia
sighed and turned back to the bologna she had been frying when she'd been so rudely
interrupted.
Yuli,
noting that she wasn't giving way to sympathy in regards to his tears, tried a
new tactic. Rather than simply bawling,
he got down on the floor and threw a full kick-smack tantrum!
Mia
gritted her teeth and ran through her yoga routine in her mind.
I
am the tree . . . I am the tree . . .
Yet,
tree though she may have been, her hand was itching dangerously toward her hot
spatula. This child had gone for far
too long without a good spanking . . .
Yuli,
meanwhile, noting the that tantrum was likewise not getting him anywhere,
considered biting Mia in the leg.
In
the hall, White Blaze was considering how much he had enjoyed that sock, and
was considering going for the entire foot while he was at it.
Fortunately
for all parties involved, the doorbell took that moment to ring, dissuading all
thoughts of personal injury from the three's minds.
Mia
opened the door tentatively, receiving a sudden feeling of foreboding . . .
.
. . only to be knocked flat on her back as the door swung open in her face!
Yuli
promptly started screaming (MIA, MIA, MIA, MIIIIIIAAAAA!!!) and White Blaze
promptly rushed over to her, licking her face until she was ready to gag from
cat breath.
I
am the tree . . . I am the @#$%ing tree . . .
"White
Blaze, get out of my face!!!" she yelled, the stress of a long and bad day
finally coming to a boil.
The
tiger skulked away, allowing her to sit up, wipe off her face, and blink up at
her visitor, whom she could now see for the first time.
White
Blaze looked back and growled.
Yuli
actually shut up.
Mia
blinked.
"Can
I . . . help you?"
The
visitor bowed. He was a quantum
physicist, from the looks of him. Ah,
we all know how evil quantum physicists are.
In any case, he was short, skinny, gawky, had a long nose with glasses
and a bald head, as well as piercing green eyes that made Mia queasy.
He
threw a glance at White Blaze.
"Ah
. . . could you call off your tiger?"
"You're
a quantum physicist, aren't you?"
"I
am."
"Then
you're out of luck. White Blaze hates
quantum physicists. Erwin Schrodinger's
'cat in the box' theory really disagreed with him. He doesn't want to take the chance of dying due to a quantum
event."
"I
. . . see," replied the quantum physicist.
"Well . . . first of all, let me introduce myself. I am a quantum physicist. My name is Roger the quantum physicist."
"Honored
to meet you, Roger," Mia replied, dragging herself to her feet and forcing
herself to act hospitable. "My name is
Mia."
"Well
. . . second of all, let me ask you this.
Is this the house of . . . the Ronin Warriors?"
Lightning
flashed.
Yuli
screamed.
White
Blaze licked something.
"It
is," Mia confirmed. "They're not here
right now. Can I take a message?"
"I'm
afraid this is quite . . . urgent," Roger replied, setting his brief case on
the floor with a certain air of stubbornness that made Mia's blood boil all
over again. "I shall await their . . .
return."
"What
if I said they were on a quest to Dellroy, Ohio, and would not return for
goodness only knows how long?!" she snapped.
Roger
blinked.
Just
then, the Ronin Warriors arrived, and Mia fought down the urge to throw them
all into the lake.
"I
didn't say they were," she insisted to Roger. "I just asked what if they were."
Roger
raised an eyebrow.
"Hey,
Mia! Hey, Yuli! Sup, White Blaze?" Ryo greeted, bounding in
through the door. "Hey – what's up with
the quantum physicist?"
Roger
rearranged his glasses on his nose.
"Do
you all have something . . . against quantum physicists?" he
demanded.
Mia
grumbled something about a senior term paper her first semester in Chemistry
and went to make some tea.
"The reason I've come here, Ronin
Warriors, is to . . . you are the Ronin Warriors, right?" Roger asked
for clarification as Kento ate two Blimpie Subs at once.
"We
are," Sage replied, because he's wise.
"Well
then . . . the reason I've come here is because I have received news which I
believe would be of some importance to you."
"Hey,
excuse me if I'm rude, but what would a quantum physicist know that we'd be
interested in?" Rowen snapped, having also had to write that term paper and
thus sharing a deep hatred for anyone in the quantum profession.
Roger
rubbed his nose.
"Information
regarding . . . the Evil Dynasty."
Lightning
flashed.
Yuli
screamed.
White
Blaze ate a bug.
Kento
swallowed.
"Man,
maybe no one ever told you, quantum dude, but we've already beaten the
Evil Dynasty," he informed the visitor as he reached for the cheese tray. "Talpa and all his goons are either dead or
converted. No threat."
Roger
rubbed his bald head.
"What
if I said that . . . Badamon's evil counterpart still lives?!"
Lightning
flashed.
Yuli
screamed.
White
Blaze sniffed something.
"What
are you talking about?" Ryo asked, aghast.
Roger
took a deep breath.
"All
forces of power have counterparts.
Talpa had the Ancient. White
Blaze had Black Blaze. Erwin
Schrodinger had the cat in the box. All
have a similar power, and seek roughly the same thing, but are at odds as to
how to achieve it."
"Seeking
the same thing? Talpa and the Ancient?"
Rowen repeated with disbelief.
"They
both sought the power of the Nine Armors, did they not? Except that Talpa wanted them for himself to
conquer the world, and the Ancient wanted them to be wielded by you to destroy
Talpa. They would not have been at odds
if, somewhere along the line, they did not seek the same thing."
"So
what about Erwin Schrodinger and that poor cat?" Mia demanded.
Roger
was silent.
"
. . . I'd rather not go there."
Kento
bashed the table.
"What's
up with all this crap about this Erwin guy?!"
"Erwin
Schrodinger was a quantum physicist," Mia calmly explained. "He put forth a theory – if a cat is in a
box, and the box is closed, then the cat could be either alive or dead due to a
quantum event – or perhaps both.
You won't know until you open the box.
As long as you don't know, it could be either one."
Kento
blinked blankly.
"Euh
. . . wouldn't the cat know?"
"My
point exactly!" Mia yelled, seconded heartily by Rowen.
Ryo
scratched his head.
"Euh,
guys, I think we should listen to what Roger here has to say. He's come a long way to talk to us, after
all."
"That's
right," Cye agreed. "Um . . . where did
you say you were from again?"
"I
. . . am from . . . Palermo, Ohio, future capital of the WORLD!!"
Lightning
flashed.
Yuli
screamed.
White
Blaze ate Yuli.
Everyone
cheered.
Ryo
them cleared his throat and brought them all back to the subject.
"So,
we've established counterparts," he reminded Roger. "What's this have to do with Badamon and the Dynasty?"
"Badamon
had a counterpart . . . Fred. Both
sought dominion over all departed humans – but while Badamon claimed the
departed's souls, Fred instead claimed their brains."
"Ewwwwww!"
was the general consensus. Roger held
up a staying hand.
"As
long as one held the other, there was little threat. Badamon could send the souls to do his bidding, but all they
could do was to possess the bodies of others, or perhaps a shell, and operate
without any real sense. They were
rather stupid minions. Fred, now, Fred
is a clever man . . . he is far advanced in genetic engineering, and is quite
capable of restoring the bodies to the departed with the tissue from their
brains. Without their souls, however,
they were also rather useless minions.
Now . . . now that Badamon is destroyed, however, the souls have
returned to the still-living brains, and should he choose . . . he can
resurrect the dead."
"Ewwwwww!"
was the general consensus.
Sage
blinked.
"Well,
is that really so horrible? Those who
have met wrongful deaths can be restored to their families and friends."
"You
call yourself wise?! He has the brains
of the likes of Sarenbo, Talpa himself, Richard Nixon – "
"Nixon?!"
Rowen yelped. "Man, guys, we've gotta
stop him before it's too late!"
"Where
can we find this Fred, Roger?" Cye inquired calmly.
"To
the north, there lies a cave – the cave of Caer Bannog, wherein, carved
in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Ralph Waldo
Emerson do make known the whereabouts of the most vile Fred."
"How
do you know this stuff, quantum dude?" Kento wondered, bewildered.
Roger
kicked the wall and scowled.
"I'm
a quantum physicist, Ronin . . . Warrior!
All quantum physicists can see into the other realms!"
Sage
blinked wisely.
"Do
you mean to say that you knew what was going on in the Dark Realm the whole
time we were fighting them?"
"Of
course!"
"Then,
like, why didn't you say anything then?!" Rowen yelled, grabbing Roger
by the throat and shaking him in the air.
"B-b-b-because,
we could see it, but couldn't say for certain until you went there! A quantum event may have occurred! Things are not what they seem – they are never
what they seem . . . "
And Roger the
quantum physicist suddenly transfigured into a rock.
The
Ronin Warriors, Mia, and White Blaze blinked at the rock in confusion.
"Ronin
Warriors," Ryo said after a long silence, "to arms!"
"According
to the map on my grandfather's computer, the cave should be just ahead," Mia
declared, pulling her jeep over and stopping on the side of the road. "You guys go on ahead – I think I'm going to
stay here."
The
five blinked at her.
"Stay
here, Mia? But . . . " Ryo was confused. "Usually we have to argue and argue to keep you away from all the
battles and stuff. What's up?"
She
glowered at them.
"I'm
having a certain problem which leaves me not wanting to go
trompsing around through forests and caves!!"
"Ah. Okay – sorry. We'll be back soon, Mia."
She
sighed.
"Good
luck, Ronin Warriors. The world is
counting on you once again."
They
shut the doors and began to forge ahead.
"What
sort of problem is she having?" Kento asked, completely confused.
Rowen
hit him in the head with a tree branch which was laying conveniently nearby.
"
. . . all right, I can take a hint . . . "
"Look!"
Cye cried, pointing forward.
The
all looked.
"Dude
– is that - ??" Kento gaped.
Ryo
nodded.
"The
Cave of Caer Bannog. Just like the
quantum physicist said."
"May
the spirit of the quantum physicist see us through this quest alive," Sage
sighed reverently.
"NO!"
Rowen snapped. "The Ancient One was
okay, Anubis was tolerable, but I'm not going for the spirit of the
quantum physicist!!"
Ryo
shook his head.
"Chill,
you guys, just chill, would you?"
The
five crept carefully into the cave, Sage leading because he'd brought a
flashlight. That just proves once and
for all that he is, indeed, wise.
"Look! Mystic Runes!" Cye exclaimed, pointing at
some Mystic Runes.
They
gathered around the Runes with apprehension.
"The
last words of Ralph Waldo Emerson . . . " Cye murmured under his breath.
"Get
over it!" Kento snapped.
"Transcendentalism was the worst literary movement in history!"
"I
don't care if it's transcendentalism or quantum physics – I'm sick of listening
to you guys complain!" Sage bellowed.
The
other four looked at him in shock, and he quickly affected a "wise" pose.
"It's
unwise to complain," he explained with great dignity.
Blinking
but not saying anything, the other four turned back to the Runes.
"What
does it say?" Rowen asked. "I can't
read Transcendentalist."
"It
says," deciphered Ryo, "that Fred of the Brain is currently employed at our
local McDonalds, where smiling faces are always welcomed." He blinked.
"Those fools – they've hired a madman!!"
"It's
our job to stop him, bro!" Kento quickly said, jumping to his feet. "C'mon!
Let's get going! Maybe we can
get some free food out of this mess!"
They
hurried back to the car and quickly filled Mia in. She was aghast.
"But
. . . I just ate at McDonalds this morning!
I had hot cakes and a hash brown, with two helpings of apple juice! Their apple juice is actually quite
excellent – "
"Just
drive, Mia, okay?" Ryo suggested, growing annoyed with keeping everyone on task
in this story. "Just drive."
The
five stormed into McDonalds with an aura of great power and dignity, making
customers freeze and gawk right in the middle of supersizing their value meals.
"C-c-c-can
I help you?" inquired a jittery cashier at the sight of these five armed men.
Ryo
planted a hand firmly on the countertop.
"We've
come . . . to see the manager."
The
jittery cashier shakily pointed them in the direction of the manager's office –
the door that said "Manager's Office."
They entered.
The
manager looked up with startled recognition as they entered, closing the door
behind them.
"Ronin
Warriors!" he hissed. "Who sent you?"
Kento
fixed him with a hard glare.
"We
were sent by . . . the Transcendentalist!!!"
The
manager squeezed his eyes closed in agony and pushed a button on his desk.
The
five warriors fell, astonished, through a trap door which suddenly opened
beneath them, dropping quickly into the darkness below.
Mia,
during the meanwhile, ordered herself some fries and a milkshake.
"Everyone
okay?" Sage asked as he picked himself up from the impact.
Groans
replied. Yeah, they were pretty much
normal.
"Yoooooouuuuu,"
whispered an eerie voice from all around them, and the five warriors looked
around with befuddlement, not seeing the source of the voice itself. "You have come . . . . . . . to visit me?"
Abruptly,
a light turned on, and as the Ronins squinted in the sudden brightness, the
figure of a little Chinese guy stood before them with a toothy grin.
"I
am much honored – get very few visitors," he greeted.
Ryo
glanced at the others, then back to this strange little man.
"Um
. . . we're looking for a guy named Fred who collects the still-living brains
of recently-killed people," he said.
"Ah
– that would be me. Have you come to
visit me?"
"No
. . . actually, we've come to defeat you and brutally maim you until you
surrender."
"Ah. So sad.
Well, now I must kill you all."
And
Chinese Fred raised his hands.
"I
call upon the vast power of the Brains!!!! GOOEY, GOOEY, GOOEY!!!!"
Kento
punched him in the head, and he died.
"Way
to go, Kento," Ryo applauded, as the Warrior of Justice looked from his hand to
the dead Chinese guy in shock. "Now,
let's take a good look around down here."
"But
. . . that was so easy . . . darn it, I wanted to kick some Dynasty tail! Not punch out some little Chinese guy in
McDonalds!"
"Deal
with it, Kento," Rowen encouraged.
"We've got other work to do. Who
knows to what end Fred may have already put his evil devices to work?"
"Over
here, guys!" Sage called.
They
followed his voice into another room – this one filled with great holding tanks
with labels. One such read –
"Revivification Test, No. 1."
"Would
it really be wise to open it and look?" Sage wondered aloud.
"Who
cares?" Kento replied brightly, reaching past his peer and swinging open the
door to reveal - - -
The
horrible, hideous, EVIL form of - - -
"I
am not a crook!"
"AAAHHH!"
they yelled. "It's Richard Nixon!!"
"ARROW
SHOCK WAAAAAAVE!" Rowen screamed, pelting the vile creature until he died
again.
For
a long moment, the warriors stood still, shaking from the horror they had just
witnessed.
"I
don't think we should open the others just yet," Cye said in a trembling voice
after a long moment of silence. "I
frankly don't think I'm up to it."
"None
of us are, buddy," Kento replied quickly.
"Let's, uh, move on."
They
continued to search the evil laboratory of the Dark Chinese until Ryo made the
next discovery (other than rats and burger grease).
He
entered what looked from the outside to be a small closet, only to find a great
mass of machinery inside, humming loudly and vibrating.
Virtue
. . .
Ryo
squinted. There was a power here, one
that seemed to be reaching out inadvertently to his own.
He
took a careful step forward, Wildfire Swords ready for just about anything to
come jumping out, and jumped nearly three miles when there came a DING not
unlike that of an oven timer.
The
humming and vibrating stopped. A
computer screen on the side of the machine popped to life. Without thinking, Ryo stepped over to it.
Process
completed, it read. Process
successful. Testing phase
complete. Ready to proceed onto next
phase: conquest of Cleveland.
Ryo
shook his head – this guy had been deranged indeed.
The
computer abruptly dinged again.
WARNING:
Vital signs fading. Suggested action:
remove subject and administer medical aid.
Ryo
glanced at a great enclosed tube in the center of the machine.
That
must be where Fred popped out his recreations of those dead people. I wonder . . . well, looks like this one's
going to be dead again. I guess it's as
it should be.
But
again that tugging on his power came to him.
Virtue
. . .
And
he took a step toward the tube.
"Ryo!"
came a yell – the other four had arrived.
"It
might be a trap!" Sage warned.
"But
– it's calling to me," Ryo replied.
"But
– what if it's evil?!" Kento wailed.
"What
if it's not? It's the mind, body, and
soul of a human being, and it needs our help."
"And
if it's not human?" Sage inquired severely.
Ryo
shrugged.
"Then
we have Kento or Rowen or whoever else decides to throw a fit kill it again."
And
he resolutely walked over to the tube and, pressing a button marked OPEN (see,
Sage isn't the only one who's wise), he opened to door to reveal the
unconscious body within.
Ryo
gasped and fell over.
The
others, cramming around to look, also gasped and fell over.
Rowen
was the first to regain his composure.
"Crap!"
he yelled. "How did he get in
here?!"
"Who
cares?!" Ryo snapped, jumping to his feet.
"You heard the computer – he needs medical attention before he dies again!!"
And
he grabbed up the body and charged out of the room, leaping up through the hole
back into the manager's office and high-tailing it to Mia's jeep, the others
following in confused bewilderment.
For
the man in question was none other than –
Anubis, Former
Dark Warlord of Cruelty!!
Bum bum BUUUUUUUUM!!!
