Part two
or
Written by Anna-mathe
All rights reserved, for I
have none.
"Dedicated to everyone who
hates Yuli, likes Anubis, and loves . . . cheese."
The four Dark Warlords of the Nether Realm sat around a table eating cheese as a messenger came, leaving them with a letter signed THE RONIN WARRIORS.
"For crying out loud, not while we're eating!!??" Dais snapped as Kayura tore the letter open with her sword.
She threw him an evil glare, proceeding then to ignore him and read the letter.
"Well?" Cale inquired a few moments later, popping a large chunk of Cheddar into his mouth.
She shook her head.
"Something about Badamon's evil counterpart raising Anubis from the dead. And Erwin Schrodinger's Cat."
Dais snorted through his Colby.
"If you ask me, the Ronin Warriors have been eating a little too much Soy."
Sekhmet hurled the cheese-slicer at him.
"There is nothing wrong with soy!!" he snapped.
"Whatever."
"Pass the Provolone."
"What do they mean by counterpart?"
"I think they're talking about Fred."
"Who's Fred?"
"Some Chinese guy Badamon was always fuming about. Something about brains."
"Who took the Swiss?"
"You don't suppose Anubis is really - ?"
"Who knows? That Mortal World is pretty messed up – give me that White American – I wouldn't put anything past them."
"Are you trying to say White American is better than plain old Yellow American?"
"All American Cheeses suck. Deal with it."
"They're not as bad as Soy."
"SHUT UP!!!"
"Maybe we should check this out."
*Snort*
"Maybe we should ignore them and finish our cheese."
" . . . good idea."
They chewed in thoughtful silence for a time. Then:
"I hope for his sake that they haven't brought Anubis back from the dead," Dais remarked.
Kayura blinked at him.
"Why?"
"Oh, you know Anubis. He'd be so depressed, so darn depressed. Every time that guy gets returned from a near-death experience, he's always so depressed. I sometimes think the man would be happier off having never been born."
"Shut up and give me some more Cheddar."
"Oh, here you go."
Meanwhile, back in the Mortal World, the Ex-Warlord slowly regained consciousness and was, indeed, rather depressed.
Before he could mope openly, however, he felt something – someone . . . touching his face?
"The fever's broken – I think he's going to be all right," traveled a bright voice, one he figured he should recognize from somewhere.
Frowning against a swelling pain in his temples, Anubis opened his eyes and looked around.
"Oh, look! He's awake!"
It was Mia. Mia? What on Earth . . .
Other figures crowded around him.
He was laying down.
Laying down? Where –
There were curtains.
Curtains . . .
Mia's house? What the heck?
"Hey man, you all right?" inquired the blue-haired one in a voice that seemed just a bit too obnoxious for Anubis's headache.
"No," he replied. "I feel as if my brain had been torn from my skull."
The Ronins blinked at him.
"Actually," Kento began, but Cye jabbed him in the stomach and he shut up.
Things began to swim into focus a little better.
"What - ?" Anubis began, trying to sit up. The room swam and he fell flat on his back again.
"Take it easy, Anubis," Mia urged. "You've been through a lot, and your body has to recover from the stress of being rebuilt from scratch."
"What?!"
Mia clamped a hand over her mouth.
"What is going on around here? Why am I alive? I could have sworn . . . "
"That you died? You did, man," Kento replied before Cye jabbed him again.
A piercing wail reached them – one so loud it drove Anubis right unconscious again.
"What's that horrible sound?!" Ryo cried, covering his ears.
"Yuli!" Mia replied. "White Blaze must have thrown him up!"
"Oh no!!"
"You guys go and keep him quiet," Mia ordered. "Anubis needs rest – if Yuli starts up his blabbing, though, Anubis may not be the only one to suffer from it! No, that's not a threat."
"Good!" Kento cheerfully assented. "I don't like threats."
Mia screamed, and the five Warriors left the room.
The little cretin in question was sitting on the floor, tears streaming and mingling with the large puddle of tiger saliva already on the floor around him. And he was still screaming.
"White Blaaaaaaaaze!! Why did you eeeeeheeeeheeeeat meeeheeeeheee?!?!"
White Blaze was sitting in a corner whimpering softly.
Such was the scene when the Ronin Warriors bounded down the stairs.
"Traitor," Rowen hissed at the cat. "Why'd you go and spit him up?"
Ryo decided to perform a leader-type action and calm the kid down before Mia had them all skewered.
"Hey, Yuli!" he greeted with a broad grin.
Yuli looked up at him suspiciously.
"What's up, little man? You look a little upset."
Yuli sniffled.
"First, White Blaze ate my sock. Then a horrible quantum physicist came. Then White Blaze ate me!! Why did he eat me, Ryo? Why?!"
And the kid abruptly burst into more tears.
"He doesn't like me anymore, does he?!?!"
"Ah – listen, Yuli. I think it's time we had a little talk. Man to man, you know?"
Sage looked alarmed. Being wise, he guessed Ryo's plan.
Don't do it, Ryo!! he urged silently. You'll never live down the embarrassment!!
"What . . . what do you mean?" Yuli asked between sobs.
"Well, Yuli, you have to stop crying first. Come on – let's get outta here."
Yuli looked up at him indignantly.
"I'm
not going anywhere!! Why do you want me
to leave? Don't you like me?"
Kento just barely stifled a
snort.
Ryo sighed.
"Okay, simmer down there, Yuli. Now, you want to know why White Blaze ate you, right?"
Yuli nodded sullenly.
"Well, Yuli . . . did you ever wonder where babies come from?"
Rowen "coughed", quickly stifling the "cough" with his hand and turning away, looking slightly purple. Ryo ignored.
"Babies?" Yuli repeated, dumbfounded.
"Yes, Yuli, babies. You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much . . . they eat socks."
"Really? They eat socks?"
"That's right, Yuli. Ever wonder why people go on honeymoons after they get married?"
Yuli shrugged.
"Well – and this is a secret, you know – I'll tell you why. I'll tell you what they do. You wanna know?"
Yuli nodded.
Ryo leaned close and whispered confidentially:
"They go shopping."
Yuli's eyes widened.
"That's right. They go shopping, and the find the most special socks that they like the most, and they buy them. Then, you see, they eat them."
Yuli blinked.
"But . . . what does that have to do with White Blaze eating me? Am I a sock?"
"No, Yuli, but didn't you say White Blaze ate your sock first?"
"Yeah . . . "
"See, it's a sign. White Blaze doesn't hate you – he likes you very much."
Cye excused himself from the room.
" . . . "
"Are you with me so far, Yuli? This is where it gets complicated."
Yuli frowned thoughtfully and nodded again.
"All right. So after a couple gets married and they eat their socks, something very special happens. Do you know what that is?"
Yuli shook his head.
Ryo blinked and scratched his head.
"It's . . . uh . . . how to put this. Um . . . well, it's kinda like pollination, you know? See, they take the crumbs left from the socks and put them in a special bowl, a scrying bowl, that they use to see the future. But in this case, the bowl doesn't show the future. Do you know what it does?"
"What does it do, Ryo?"
"It sends a message. See, magical powers can determine from the crumbs of the socks just what this couple is like through and through. And they determine what kind of baby to send to the couple. Now mind you, Yuli, this has gone on for far longer than the digital age – the message isn't sent instantly, like e-mail. No – it generally takes up to nine months for the message to be sent and processed, and the baby shipped to the couple. Did you ever wonder why a woman gets so fat before the baby arrives?"
Yuli blinked.
"It's because, Yuli, she ate too many socks."
Kento bit his tongue so hard he started drooling blood.
Yuli was silent for a long moment.
"But . . . Ryo . . . what does this have to do with White Blaze eating me?"
"Well, uh, you see, Yuli . . . tigers are a lot like people. Anyway – though, tigers have very poor sense of time. You see . . . White Blaze ate your sock, and a few minutes later, thought nine months had already passed, and thought that you were his new baby. He gets disoriented sometimes. Don't blame him – it's the Zoloft."
"What's Zoloft?"
" . . . don't go there."
"But if he thought I was his baby, why did he eat me?"
Ryo blinked at him with astonishment.
"Geez, Yuli, all tigers eat their babies . . . it's how they . . . transport them, yeah. They eat them, and carry them in their stomachs to make sure they don't get lost. Then, when they're done traveling, they spit the baby back up. Just like White Blaze did to you. Doesn't that make you feel better?"
" . . . . . . . . . . . . how do socks make crumbs, Ryo?"
"Ah-ha, that's quite enough of this, Yuli. Can't solve all the questions of the universe at once, now, can we? Why don't you go run along outside and play, and we'll call you when it's time for lunch?"
Yuli blinked carefully.
"I guess so . . . "
And, still a bit confused, the kid went outside.
Ryo rose with great dignity and faced his four comrades, who met his gaze for a moment, then broke out laughing so hard they fell over.
"Shut up," Ryo hissed, turning red. "Someone had to shut him up."
Sage stopped laughing long enough to hold up a video camera.
"Surprise! You're on Candid Camera!"
Ryo screamed and lunged at him, grabbing for the camera, but Sage was slick and dodged, jumping out a window. Ryo plunged after him.
Kento grinned.
"What Ryo didn't realize was that that was a live feed to every Turner station in existence."
"Is he ever going to live this down?" Cye asked wistfully.
"Heck no," Rowen replied.
Anubis felt decidedly weird. He'd been beaten up pretty badly before, but had never felt so weird afterward – and no, it wasn't just because he was, for some strange reason, wearing a uniform from something called "McDonalds". Still, he managed to prop himself up against a wall and maneuver himself out of his room to eavesdrop on his new roomies in the kitchen below the next morning.
"But what are we going to do with him?" Kento was asking. "I mean – yeah, so he helped to save the Mortal World, no complaints there. Gave his life for the cause and all. And I'm not complaining that he was resurrected by that Chinese guy at McDonalds, either. But now that he's back, what do we do with him?"
"Kento, lay off," Rowen snapped. "He's only been alive for a day! Give him a break!"
"Actually," Anubis cut in, falling down the stairs and quickly dragging himself back to his feet, "I'd rather like to hear the answer to that myself."
The Ronins and Mia blinked at him with astonishment.
"What do you mean?" Ryo asked after a bewildered moment.
Anubis shrugged.
"I have no home, no family, and no purpose in life. I have served Talpa for hundreds of years, and from there I served the will of the Ancient. Now that his will is completed, I have no task to guide me, and no master to command me. I have no purpose in existence."
Kento blinked.
"Huh?"
Ryo held up a scroll.
"We got a warning from Lady Kayura, Anubis. She thinks we're pulling her leg about you – but warned us that if you really were back, you suffered from chronic depression. I guess she was right."
"And why shouldn't I be depressed?" Anubis snapped. "Listen – in my off-hours as a Dark Warlord, I studied human literature quite extensively, and learned of something called the Existentialism Movement. I am of late beginning to agree with it completely."
"Is that like Transcendentalism?" Kento inquired.
"No," Sage explained. "Existentialism was the concept that since we're all going to die someday, nothing in life really matters. It's all . . . useless."
"Darn right!" Anubis snapped.
Now Kento sighed and stood slowly, gathering dignity about him like a great cloud of gas.
"Anubis," he said solemnly, " . . . you have no life, do you?"
"None."
"I see. We'll fix that. GET HIM, GUYS!!"
Anubis screamed.
"Where are you taking me?!?!" the Ex-Warlord yelled as Mia hurtled her jeep down the road.
"To the very city you first destroyed then rescued!" Kento explained.
"Why?!"
"Wait and see, pal! Hah hah, you just wait and see."
Anubis regarded him with caution.
"And . . . why is Cye in the trunk?"
"This is a jeep, man," Rowen reminded him. "We can't fit all of us in here. That's why Cye's in the trunk, and Sage is strapped to the roof.
Anubis blinked.
"I . . . see."
"I'll be back at seven o'clock," Mia reminded the party as she prepared to return home. "Be ready. Or else."
"Mia," Anubis pleaded desperately, "please don't leave." He threw a look over his shoulder at the Ronins and leaned in her window. "I don't feel quite safe with these lunatics."
"Relax, Anubis," she replied. "It won't be as bad as you think."
And she drove away. Anubis swallowed nervously as Kento threw him a toothy grin.
"All right, Warlord!" he sang. "It's time to go shopping!!"
Rowen and Ryo grabbed his arms before he could flee in terror.
"Anubis's wardrobe – take one!" Kento shouted. "The HICK look! Bring him out!"
And Anubis was shoved forcefully into the open, subjected to the idle gaze of any idiot who happened to be wandering around in the department store.
"I feel ridiculous," he whimpered.
"I like the flannel shirt," Cye appraised.
"Yeah," Ryo agreed, "but the stable boots don't work."
"Definitely cut the boots and the FFA tee-shirt, too."
"Right."
"I like the bandana."
"Yeah, the bandana's good."
"But not the hat."
"Not the hat?!"
"No."
"But how can you be a good HICK without a Nascar hat?"
"Ryo, I just don't think it's going to work."
"Fine. Without the hat."
And poor Anubis was dragged right back into the changing room.
"Take two!" Kento yelled. "The PUNK look!"
Again, Anubis was shoved into the open, where he attempted to hide his face.
"I like the hair," Ryo quickly remarked.
"So do I," Cye agreed. "I've never seen such an extreme Mohawk in my life."
"And natural color. Very cool. How about the leather jacket?"
"Naw," Cye sniffed.
A wandering clerk wandered by and noticed their caper, and she glanced Anubis over thoughtfully.
"Leather," she said smugly. "More leather. Keep the jacket. It's leather. Get more."
"What?!" Anubis yelped as he was dragged back into the changing room.
"Take three!" Kento informed the world. "The BIKER look!"
Anubis was shoved into the open, and he promptly fled back into the changing room, only to be tossed out again.
"Stay!" came a snarl from inside.
Anubis sighed and hung his head, clad in tight leather from the neck down.
"I like it," smiled the clerk.
"We don't," the Ronin Warriors objected. "You win on this one, Anubis."
"Yes!" he shouted, again fleeing into the changing room.
"Take 542!" Kento jubilated. "The NORMAL look!"
Anubis was once more shoved into the open, by this time resigned to his fate but lacking the energy to move on his own.
The Ronins blinked.
"Wow," Ryo remarked. "He looks . . . normal."
"All right – it's a keeper!" Kento exclaimed. "C'mon!"
And before Anubis realized what was happening, they were dragging him off to some new torture facility.
"What . . . is it?" he asked tentatively, gingerly holding the strange thing up to peer closely.
"That, my friend, is what we Mortals call a pizza," Kento explained.
"Ah – I have heard of this. Tell me – is this the one you eat crust first?"
Rowen seethed.
"No – because wussies over there don't like stuffed crust pizzas."
"Who're you calling a wuss?!" Kento shouted.
"You."
Kento blinked.
"Oh."
"And . . . what is this?" Anubis inquired, staring skeptically into his glass.
"That's called Pepsi," Ryo told him. "You drink it, then you burp. Very cool."
Anubis blinked at him, feeling hopelessly lost in the hands of these strange humans.
"And now, the true test of being a male in the Mortal World!" Rowen declared. "Anubis, have you ever heard of a game called Ice Hockey?"
"Ice . . . Hockey?"
"That's what we're here to watch. See the two nets? Those are the goals. See that thing they're passing around with their sticks? That's a puck. You get the puck in the other team's goal, and you get a point. Now, you have to deal with things like Icing and Off-sides, but – "
"What are those two in the corner doing?"
"Uh – they're beating each other senseless."
"Dude, check it out!" Kento exclaimed. "The whole teams are getting in on this one!"
All around them, the crowd jumped to their feet, yelling "BLOOD, BLOOD, BLOOD!"
And Anubis gazed down at the battle below and, for the first time since coming back from the dead, felt a smile coming on.
"BLOOD!"
"KILL!!"
"MAIM THE SUCKER!!"
The shouts continued until the fight was broken up by two severely wounded refs – but even then the Ex-Dark Warlord of Cruelty was rapt by an odd sense of camaraderie with those involved.
Perhaps the humans of the modern world do have something in their favor.
"All right, Anubis, you've come a long way in a few short hours," Kento praised him. "Now here's your reward. Cheers!"
Anubis blinked at the new liquid placed before him.
Cye nudged Sage.
"Won't Mia be upset if we all get plastered?"
"Undoubtedly."
"Ah. I see."
"And what is this?" Anubis finally worked up the nerve to ask.
"Jack Daniels and Vodka, with a mix of Cherry Kool-Aid," Kento merrily replied, downing his third glass as Anubis tentatively sipped at his first.
"This tastes like crap."
"That it does, Warlord, but it's not about taste!"
"Then what is it about?"
"You'll find out – in about four more glasses."
"I . . . see."
And, biting back the urge to do anything but stay here with these nuts, Anubis chugged down the rest of the glass with a single gulp.
Rowen cheered.
"He really is human!"
"Did you doubt it?" Anubis inquired, taking a new glass.
"Huh?"
"That I'm human. I think I'm human. I was human. Now I'm not quite so sure. You know . . . I think they put my brain in backwards!"
"What?!"
"Yes – that explains everything! Why I feel so very strange – when they rebuilt my body around my brain, they got it backwards!! The fools!"
"Here's to the fools!" Kento cheered, raising his glass.
"WOO!!"
So half an hour later, the five of them were already pretty far gone.
" . . . and Dais tells him, 'Sekhmet, you imbecile, that is my foot!!' " Anubis finished.
Kento choked on an olive as the others broke out laughing.
Deciding that the crops were ripe for picking, a set of bar-wenches came over to "join them" at about that moment. Anubis, not suspecting anything, turned around to find his nose less than an inch away from the local bimbo, who smiled sweetly at him.
"Hi," she greeted.
He screamed and fell out of his chair, hitting the floor with a thunk and looking around in astonishment.
"Oh . . . hello . . . "
The bimbo took insult and left to sulk.
"For crying out loud – she's never even looked at me!" Kento wailed. "Anubis, she actually spoke to you! That there is the highest-class bimbo you'll ever see! And she spoke to you!!"
" . . . I've seen worse."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Dude! Where?"
Rowen snorted.
"Geez, Anubis – what do you Dark Warlords do for fun, anyway? You do have fun, don't you?"
Anubis raised an eyebrow, pulling himself dizzily back into his chair.
"Fun? You're asking me about fun in the Nether Realms?"
"Yeah, actually."
" . . . um . . . "
"Great. I knew it."
"We do so have fun!"
"Yeah? Do tell, Ancient One."
" . . . let me think. Ah! Think about Dais for a moment. Did you ever wonder how he really lost his eye?"
They shrugged.
"I guess so, yeah."
"Dais likes cats, you see, and for fun, he takes these cats and trains them to kill. We have whole tournaments for Dais's cats – it's quite interesting. Once one got a little upset and bit him in the eye – but other than that, it's fairly safe fun."
"Battling cats . . . " Cye glanced at Kento. "It's a start."
"Kayura does Yoga."
"Kayura? Yoga?"
"Exactly. Cale gets a thrill out of setting Nether Spirits against one another in battles to the death."
" . . . but . . . they're already dead."
"Exactly."
"So – do all of you center your lives around battles to the death?"
"No! Take Sekhmet. He is an artist. He makes collages out of his toenail clippings. Some are quite interesting to look at."
Sage turned away and threw up.
"And you?" Ryo inquired, wavering under his third bottle of Vodka. "What did you do for fun, Anubis?"
Anubis affected an air of dignity.
"I," he said, "play the flute."
"The flute?!" Kento repeated, dumbfounded. "The big tough head of the Dark Warlords plays the flute?!"
"It's a difficult instrument to play well!" Anubis snapped.
"I'd like to play your flute," said the bimbo, showing her face again.
Anubis blinked at her with confusion.
"But . . . it's not here."
She jumped as if startled and backed away.
Kento broke out laughing.
"Darn it – you've spent some time on earth already," Rowen reminded him. "Haven't you learned anything of our culture yet?"
"I did – I learned the French National Anthem."
"Hah!" Rowen hailed, raising his glass. "I took four years of the darn language! 'Rise up, children of the fatherland! The day of glory has arrived!' "
" 'Against us stands tyranny – the bloody flag is raised, the bloody flag is raised!' "
The broke into song, poor rhythm because they were singing in English rather than French, and poor all around because they were both completely drunk.
" 'And may the impure blood of our enemies soak the furrows of the fields!!' " they finished, and Rowen fell over in a dead faint across the countertop.
Anubis, in spite of himself, broke out laughing madly.
"Anubis!" interrupted a strange voice, and he opened his eyes to see a vision of the Ancient One floating before him. "What are you doing?"
"I'm not precisely sure, Ancient One!" he replied. "But I must say, I'm enjoying it!"
"You're making a complete fool of yourself."
"Don't blame me – I thought I was dead! It's not my fault! Hey – wanna drink?"
The Ancient One shook his head.
"I'll speak to you again . . . when you're sober."
"Thank you, drive through!"
"Hey, Anubis, who ya talkin' to?" Sage inquired blearily.
"The Spirit of the Ancient One."
"Really?"
"Yep."
"Well, you just tell him that I said HEEEEEEEEEYYYYY!"
"All right . . . Ancient One!"
"I heard him, Anubis."
"Ah. He heard you."
"Cool!"