Part three
or
Written by Anna-mathe
All rights reserved, for I
have none.
"Dedicated to everyone who
hates Yuli, likes Anubis, and loves . . . cheese."
NOTE: Okay – anyone who actually reads my fics will notice an ongoing theme in several series – all but 3 feature at least one appearance by Zorak, Lone Mantis of the Apocalypse. I saw no reason for this to be one of them. J To get the full lowdown on Zorak's activities, start with the Double Doo-Doo Saga, then this one, then skip over to Who Needs Humans?. C'mon, everyone. Zorak's cool. Everyone loves Zorak. Right??? J
Once again, Anubis groaned himself back to consciousness in a room with curtains.
Acckk . . . . my head feels as if it's going to explode! He thought for a moment. Again!!
"Anubis!!" called a spooky voice from nowhere.
"Shut up!!!" he cried, covering his ears. "Leave me alone!!"
"Cut that out," the voice admonished. "You were once a Dark Warlord of the Nether Realm. You carried out my task as Guardian of the Ronin Warriors, and saved the Mortal World from Talpa's evil. Don't tell me you can't handle a hangover!!"
"A what?!" Anubis looked around dumbly and LO! The image of the Ancient One appeared as it had the . . . night before?
Funny . . . I don't remember a thing.
"A hangover, Anubis. I'll leave that to the Ronins to explain. The Mortal World is a twisted place, and you've been gone from it for hundreds of years. You must walk cautiously until you have mastered the quirks of it."
"Ancient One . . . is there a point to this?"
"We have a problem," the Ancient One replied. "Or rather – you have a problem. It doesn't concern me much, I suppose, me being dead and all . . . "
Anubis brightened.
"Perhaps Chinese Fred has your brain as well! Then you too can be resurrected!"
"Don't go there."
" . . . "
"Anyway – back to Chinese Fred. When the Ronin Warriors found you, they also destroyed a great evil."
"Fred?"
"No. Richard Nixon. However, I have reason to believe that the dark powers are not yet at rest. Fred animated many a dead fiend – I fear that the others will not remain contained for long. Should their power be unleashed upon the Mortal World, no end of the Earth will remain safe. Why – with their combined strength, even the Nether Realm would be at risk. You must stop them before they come into their full powers!"
Anubis rubbed his temples, still feeling a bit groggy from all that Vodka and Kool-Aid.
"Why me?"
The Ancient blinked, although you couldn't tell because of the basket on his head.
" . . . why not?"
"Because, in case you haven't noticed, I'm mortal now!"
"You were mortal before."
"Not like this! Now I don't have mystical Armor or a Magic Staff. All I have are stable boots and a Nascar hat."
The Ancient One waved his hands around for dramatic effect.
"You have the skills that made you sought after by both Talpa and myself!"
"Don't you ever lighten up?"
Frowning, the Ancient One was silent for a moment. Then:
"You're right. I'm sick of this." Sighing, he sat heavily beside Anubis, leaning against the wall and staring at the ceiling. "No one ever took me out to a hockey game – or for pizza . . . and certainly not to a bar."
"Face it," Anubis wryly suggested. "You're Ancient. The Ronins are children. We're talking about a generation gap of unimaginable immensity."
"You're over four hundred years old. What about the generation gap between them and you?"
Anubis fidgeted.
"You're just jealous!"
"I?! The Ancient One, jealous of an Ex-Warlord of Talpa's Dynasty?!"
"Yes!"
"You have got to be kidding!!"
"You're jealous because I have a life!!"
The Ancient growled.
"You were nothing before I saved you!"
"I," Anubis declared, "was still cooler than you!!"
"Fool!"
"Geezer!"
"Loser!"
"Fogi!"
"Dork!"
" . . . Republican!"
The Ancient One gaped, completely unprepared for that one.
"Why you . . . you . . . you . . . "
"What's going on in there?" came a voice from outside, and the Ancient quickly hopped back to his feet, straightened his basket, and assumed an "ancient" type stance, and as the door opened, began speaking what wisdom he could think of off the top of his head.
"Remember, Anubis . . . you must stop these evil forces before they destroy the Mortal World . . . and as you go, remember this . . . look before you leap . . . cats are not for eating . . . look both ways before crossing the street, Catholics do not worship Mary, too much cholesterol is bad for you . . . and above all, remember: don't squeeze the Charmin. The Charmin, Anubis!" he echoed, rising up through the ceiling. "The Chaaaaaaarmin-min-min-min . . . "
Mia blinked up at where he had vanished.
"Was that the Ancient One?"
Anubis nodded.
"It was."
"Isn't that interesting? The Ancients had Charmin!"
Anubis raised an eyebrow.
"What did you think they used?"
Mia shrugged.
" . . . leaves? Their hands? White Blaze?"
White Blaze barged in and chased them both out the window.
Unfortunately, there was no balcony below this window, and Anubis and Mia found themselves hurtling into the lake below with a loud splash.
White Blaze purred.
Now, at long last, it is time to bring to light an important detail of this story which has of yet been neglected – it's taking place in the dead of winter. This lake was not the friendly lake we all know and love – it was a churning, icy death.
Anubis and Mia didn't even have time to scream in utter terror like wussy kids.
Dais kicked the wall and snarled something profane in German. At least, he thought it was profane, but since Dais can't speak German, he couldn't be quite certain.
Cale and Kayura watched with amusement as the Warlord continued his tangent, breaking a few potted plants and sending cats running in every direction. After about twenty minutes, however, this pastime grew rather tiresome.
"What's the matter, Dais?" Cale finally asked. "Did Sekhmet steal your toenail clippings again?"
"Worse!" Dais snapped.
"Uh . . . the toilet's clogged?"
"Worse!"
"Someone stole your hairspray?"
"No! Worse!"
"Somebody's playing Country Western Music?"
"Even worse."
Cale and Kayura exchanged looks of alarm. What could be worse than that??
"Well, what is it?!" Kayura finally snapped.
Dais shuddered.
"He's back."
"Who?"
" . . . him."
"Who?"
" . . . my archenemy."
Kayura still looked confused, but Cale's eyes widened in horror.
"You don't mean . . . "
"Yes."
"But . . . how?!"
Dais shrugged, exasperated.
"I don't know. But I was walking down the hall, and I heard a strange noise from the kitchen – an odd laugh. 'HOOHOOHOOHAHA!!' I believe it was. I should have known right then – and perhaps I did, but couldn't bring myself to believe it – but I dashed toward the sound, and saw him, standing there at the refrigerator, eating the salami." Dais shuddered again. "My blood ran cold. My hair stood on end. My heart stopped. My mind froze. I – "
"Who's he?!" Kayura yelled, and the two Warlords regarded her with disdain.
"His archenemy," Cale said, as if it should be obvious. "But – hasn't he been dead for centuries?"
Dais nodded grimly.
"He has. That's why my blood ran cold, and my hair stood on end, and my – "
"Who is his archenemy?!?!" Kayura screamed.
They both regarded her with disgust.
"You really don't know?" Cale finally asked, as if he couldn't believe it.
"No, I don't know, you morons! What's going on?!"
Dais grabbed her arm and dragged her to a window, shoving her head out and pointing up.
"He came from the sky! The stars above both our world and that of the Mortals! He descended from worlds beyond any we know in a strange vessel made of tissue paper and glue – the Lone Mantis of the Apocalypse – Zorak!"
Kayura blinked and pulled her head back inside.
"Mantis? Your archenemy is a mantis?"
"Don't scoff, lady," Dais warned. "This is no mantis as you know the term. He's easily six feet tall, and he walks around with a laser gun, destroying any who oppose him! Truly a force to be reckoned with – not even I could defeat him."
"That . . . what happened?"
"Oh, Anubis killed him in the end."
"How?"
"He told Zorak to Quake With Fear . . . and he did. So while he was Quaking, Anubis threw him into an oven. We made him into a pie."
"You ate him?"
"No!" Cale yelled, disgusted at the concept. "We wouldn't stoop so low . . . we fed him to Badamon. He never knew."
"And now he's back?"
"Badamon?"
"No – Zorak."
"He's back?!"
"You said he was back."
" . . . oh. Yes."
Kayura thought for a moment. She wasn't as wise as Sage, so it took a few moments for her to come to a conclusion.
"First the Ronins tell us that Anubis has been revivified . . . now Dais's archenemy is also back from the dead . . . I think something's amiss in the Mortal World!"
Slowly, the other Ronins recovered from their individual hangovers and sought breakfast.
They all sat around the table, waiting.
And waiting.
And waiting . . . . . . . . .
"Hey, MIA!!!!" Kento finally yelled. "Where's breakfast?!"
No reply came.
So they waited.
And waited.
And waited . . . . . . . . . .
"Mia?" Cye called tentatively. "Are you angry with us?"
Still no reply came.
Although they waited.
And waited.
And waited . . . . . . . . . .
"Mia, are you even in there?" Rowen finally snapped, impatient and hungry.
Since no reply came, all they could do was wait.
And wait.
And wait . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Then it hit Sage like a lightning bolt – all his Wisdom came together with one burst of wise energy:
"Guys – I don't think Mia's in the kitchen!"
"No!!" They all jumped to their feet in horror.
"Ronin Warriors – to the kitchen!" Ryo yelled, taking off, his chums on his heels.
They burst into the kitchen to find . . . .
White Blaze eating a rat.
Ryo gasped in horror.
"Mia's not here, guys!! W-what do we do now?!"
For a long moment, the great warriors regarded one another fearfully.
Where could Mia have gone? More importantly – when was she coming back?!
Cooking they could handle – Cye could simply take over the kitchen. But who would wash the dishes? Clean the house? Do laundry? Pay the rent? Buy gasoline? Buy food and bathroom supplies?! For, as it suddenly dawned on them, Mia was the only one in the household who had a source of income. The Ronin Warriors were, in fact, complete freeloaders, and the thought of being forced to – to – work for their keep?! scared the very crap out of them.
"We've gotta find her!" Sage finally exclaimed. "C'mon!"
"Ronin Warriors," Ryo declared, "to the CAR!"
Mia was not in the car. They made a thorough search, but to no avail.
"And," Sage said wisely, "if she's not here but the Jeep is, then she can't have taken the Jeep somewhere else."
They pondered.
"I've got it!!" Kento suddenly yelled, deciding to be wise himself for once.
No one had expected this twist, and the other Warriors turned to gawk at the large one.
"She's not at the house," Kento surmised, "and she didn't drive away. That only leaves one option."
"Yeah?" Rowen prompted when Kento trailed off.
"Aliens."
Another collective gasp resounded from the group.
Kento struck a dramatic and mysterious pose.
"Last night, they must have come. I can just imagine it – the lights flashing, the spooky alien sounds – the ship came down – it landed there, on the roof!"
"No!!" Cye yelped, horrified. "Not the roof!!"
"Yes," Kento said in a dark voice. "The roof. They landed their ship on the roof, then they came down through the chimney and stole some long socks, laughing like silly people. Mia, poor Mia, she must have heard and come running down the stairs, demanding to know who these gruesome creatures were, and what they were doing to her chimney . . . and then . . . "
The others waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And got tired of waiting.
"And then?" Sage prompted.
"Then," Kento said in the darkest tone yet, "they grabbed her by the thumbs and dragged her up the chimney."
"No!!" came the collective shout.
Kento nodded sadly.
"Man, she must have yelled and screamed – but we were all too partied out to hear, and she was taken without contest . . . "
They shared a moment of regretful and guilty yet reverent silence.
"Poor Mia," Sage sighed, on the verge of tears. "We should have saved her . . . do you suppose we still can?"
" 'Fraid not, bro," Kento sighed. "By now, she's probably long gone. There's no hope."
Rowen sniffled.
"Poor Mia . . . I don't wanna think of her in the clutches of those filthy aliens . . . "
"We should have been there to save her . . . " Ryo choked out, horribly bereaved. "If only we hadn't been out getting plastered last night with Anubis, we could have spared her this horrible fate . . . "
Sage blinked, his wisdom kicking in despite his own grief.
"Say – where is Anubis?"
Cye blinked.
"I . . . I haven't seen him . . . you don't suppose – "
Another collective gasp.
"The aliens got him too!!"
"And Yuli?"
"RYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" came a piercing wail from the house.
Rowen sighed.
"Man, those aliens really are evil. Not only did they brutally murder Mia and Anubis, but they left Yuli alive."
"That's it!!" Ryo snapped, furious, slamming his fist into his palm for dramatic effect. "Ronin Warriors, we can't just stand here and do nothing! I say we find these alien suckers and extract our revenge!!!"
"Yes!!" they agreed jubilantly, glad to have an outlet for their wildly ranging emotions.
"But . . . " Cye was confused. "How can we? If they're aliens, then they're probably halfway across the galaxy by now!"
"We've gotta check the tabloids!" Kento quickly replied. "Maybe they can help!"
Ryo again slammed his fist into his palm
"Ronin Warriors," he said tensely, sternly, "to the store."
And so the intrepid team of valiant heroes squished their way into the Jeep and shot off to the local Wal-Mart.
Ryo shuddered.
" . . . I swore I'd never return to this place . . . "
Sage blinked.
"What is it, Ryo?"
Ryo shook himself sternly.
"N-nothing. Nothing at all. I don't have any traumatic childhood memories of nearly dying of a dangerously serious paper cut inflicted by a smiley face sticker at the entrance to a Wal-Mart store 9 years ago on Friday the 25. I never swore to never again step foot inside a Wal-Mart as long as I had hair. Nothing's wrong."
Sage blinked again.
"All right, if you're sure. C'mon – let's go in."
And so, biting his bottom lip in pure terror that he didn't have of a smiley face sticker that didn't exist, the great leader of the Ronin Warriors led the way into the vast shopping mart, fighting back a shudder.
"Welcome to Wal-Mart!" sang a chipper voice, and Ryo whirled to see - - -
A saleslady offering him a shopping cart!!
He took a deep breath.
All right – it's a cart, not a sticker. All's well . . .
"No thanks," he said in a fake tone, forcing a smile and barging past her.
The saleslady started to cry.
"There!!!" Kento shouted, lunging forward and grabbing up the National Enquirer.
His comrades gathered around and gasped at what they saw.
"The fiend!" Rowen finally burst out. " 'Shark attacks on American coasts part of evil Cuban plan by Fidel Castro'!"
"And look!" Sage cried, pointing to an article. " 'Tourist eaten by whale in City Park'! That's so horrible!!"
"And check this out!" Cye exclaimed. "It says that Richard Nixon has been brought back from the dead!"
"Man, we already knew that," Ryo reminded him.
Cye blinked.
"Oh."
"Here we are, guys," Kento directed, pointing to a specific article. "Headline: Aliens are among us."
"Whoa!" Rowen exclaimed. "That's just what we want!"
"Read on, Kento!" Sage advised wisely.
"Well," Kento said, "it says that there are so many aliens hidden all throughout the world that we don't even notice them anymore!"
"Unreal!"
"Darn right! But it gives tips on how to weed 'em out."
"What are they?" chimed his companions.
"It says that they talk with funny accents and have blue hair."
"Gee. Too bad we don't know anyone like that," Rowen declared, shaking his head.
The others turned to gawk at him.
" . . . what?"
"ALIEN SCUMBAG!!!!" Sage yowled, catching the meaning to this a bit quicker than the others. "Let's get him, guys!"
Rowen screamed and scrambled away as the others lunged after him, armoring up and deciding to rip him into tiny pieces.
Dais shuddered, looking around at the horrific scenery which greeted his gaze.
"I'd forgotten how much I abhor the Mortal World," he seethed, kicking gingerly at a rock sitting in Mia's front lawn. "This place is disgusting."
"Cheer up," Cale advised. "You've been in a rotten mood ever since Zorak stole your salami."
Dais turned and kicked a tree, knocking it over.
"I wanted to eat that salami!!"
"Shut up," Kayura snapped. "We must find the Ronin Warriors and find out what's going on around here. If Chinese Fred is truly active here, then both our realms are in grave danger."
"Yes, yes, we know that," Dais snapped. "But I still don't want to be standing here when he's back there."
"We left Sekhmet to guard the Nether Realm while we're away," she reminded him tartly.
Dais shook his head.
"For some strange reason, my fears are not alleviated."
"That's your problem. Let's find the Ronins and get some answers. It's freezing."
And so the three Warlords headed up to the house and Dais knocked, accidentally bashing the door off its hinges.
Yuli stood in the doorway, gawking at the remains of the door.
"Greetings, young human!" Dais greeted in an attempt to be sociable. "We have come for your friends!"
Yuli looked up at him with huge, liquid eyes.
Dais felt a chill go up his spine. He didn't know precisely what, but he got the feeling that something horrible was about to happen.
And something did.
Yuli opened his mouth.
"WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZE!!!!!! THERE'RE WARLORDS AT THE DOOOOOHOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOORRRRRR!!!!!!!"
And he burst into tears, bawling, kicking, and generally throwing a similar tantrum to the one that started this entire story.
Dais, startled and horrified by this outburst, fell backwards and down the stairs, plummeting into Kayura and Cale and landing them all into a huge heap on the icy ground.
"OOF!" they squeaked, trying to untangle themselves.
"Foolish mortal!" Cale yelled up to Yuli, jumping to his feet –
- only to slip on the ice and fall flat on his bum!
"We're going to get
you, you little heathen!!!" Dais shouted at the brat, making a lunge at the
front door, but falling short due to lack of traction and landing flat on his
face!
"Darn you!!" Kayura snapped as much
at her companions as at the boy. "Incompetents! Feel the
Scream of my Starlight Swords!!!"
And then she also slipped and her
swords went flying.
White Blaze leapt out the door and
caught one of them, then turning tail and running for his furry life.
"After him!!" Kayura screamed,
taking off sliding through the lawn after the tiger.
Her fellow Warlords attempted to aid her, but kept falling on their butts with the utter lack of grace typical to ancient warriors who've been living in a season-less realm for hundreds of years and eventually gave in, watching the Tiger and the Warlord skitter away.
Yuli's tantrum multiplied exponentially.
"WHIIIIIIIIIITE BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZE!!!!! DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THESE NETHERWORLD CREEEEE-HEEEEEE-HEEEEEEEEPS!!!!!!!!!!!"
The two remaining Warlords exchanged terrified glances and shuddered, aware that they were about to face their toughest battle ever:
Of
YULI THE
ANNOYING-EXASPERATING-EVIL-STUPID-KID-THING!!!
Will Kayura catch White Blaze?
Will the Warlords survive Yuli?
Will the Ronins slaughter Rowen?
And what about Mia and Anubis?
To be continued! Tee-hee! The power!
And just so everyone knows, the tabloid articles about the sharks and the whale are real. I saw them while shopping at my local IGA. Makes you think, doesn't it? People pay to read those things – when they could just be reading cheesy fics like this one! J