Chapter Four
The post-Christmas sales made the streets of Tokyo crowded, and Subaru was forced to weave his way through hordes of eager shoppers in order to reach his destination.
Kakyou and he had spent Christmas day just enjoying the feeling of sharing the warmth from the fireplace with another person. He'd forgotten how nice it was to just sit around all day, talking of nothing. He had played the "normal" game, as they had called it, enough with his sister when they were young to have developed a great envy for those without responsibilities like his.
The dreamgazer had been growing increasingly twitchy over the past few days, causing Subaru to hastily re-evaluate his life. Today's journey was the result of one of those decisions.
The Tree might be what makes the Sakurazukamori the Sakurazukamori, but Subaru wasn't going to Ueno Park in order to pay his respects. He was there to make amends.
"Kamui..." he said to the young man leaning against an innocent tree, "I want to apologise. I caused you lots of pain and it wasn't fair of me to hurt you just because I was hurting."
Kamui looked up. "Subaru, I--"
"No. Don't say anything, just listen, Kamui. Don't kick yourself internally because you couldn't save me. I'm alive. And I'm the closest to happy I have ever been in nine years." He couldn't help but smile at Kamui's shocked expression. "I'm not insane, Kamui. But I do want you to know this: My wish was for Seishirou to kill me. You didn't know that, did you?"
Kamui shook his head.
"I was wrong about a lot of things, Kamui. Just because you wish for something with all your heart doesn't mean it is right for you. I want you to remember that. And I'm sorry I can't be the kind of person you want me to be."
Kamui was silent. Feeling he had said all he could, Subaru began to walk away.
"I was in love with you. Did you know that, Subaru?"
Subaru stopped.
"And I thought you understood. I thought we understood each other. But you throw away everything you ever were for the sake of a dead man's Wish and then have the nerve to come here and tell me I should do the same."
"Kamui, that's not what I was saying at all," said Subaru, calmly.
"Why should I listen to you? You're happy being like him! Is it better to be able to kill and not regret than to face your own pain, Subaru? Is that what you figure?" Kamui yelled.
"I am not, nor will I ever be, "like" Seishirou-san," interrupted Subaru, stiffly. Funny, how he'd almost forgotten that Kamui was still a sixteen-year-old boy at heart and just as inclined to lash out with anger when hurt as any of his ilk.
Kamui sniffed in disbelief, but didn't say anything.
"Do you really hate me so much?" asked Subary, softly. "I truly never meant to hurt you, Kamui. It was just selfishness, to presume that I could do what I liked and not have it affect other people." Subaru took a step closer. "My pain is not the same as yours," he said, echoing his words of months ago, "and you are strong enough to deal with your pain. I was never strong enough to let go."
"So, I was right. You only care for yourself. I was stupid to think otherwise," said Kamui, turning away.
Subaru walked up to him and took Kamui's scarred hands in his own. "Oh, no, Kamui. I don't care for myself at all. If I'd cared about myself I would have accepted the gift of your heart. But I won't, because I'm not him. And it wouldn't make you happy."
Kamui looked at him blankly.
Brushing the boy's perpetually unkempt hair out of his eyes, the onmyouji bent over to kiss Kamui on the lips.
Subaru had spent several months in the arms of a man he could not afford to let himself love. He knew exactly how to kiss so that it meant nothing; how to empty one's heart of any feeling without dimishing the physical effects of love-making.
Perhaps he was being cruel to the boy, breaking his heart like this. Even the best of intentions couldn't lessen the pain of knowing the one you loved with all your heart cared for you not.
"Promise me something, Kamui?" he said, brushing tears off the boy's cheek. "Don't ever lose sight of why you are fighting. There's a reason you were given that choice. You're strong enough to make that decision and strong enough to fight for it."
"But I don't want to kill Fuuma," said Kamui in a small voice.
"That," said Subaru firmly, "is not Fuuma. That is a tool of destiny. Nothing more, nothing less. He is very powerful, but you are Kamui. You have a reason to fight."
"My strength lies in emotion?"
"Your strength lies in conviction. You know why you really chose what you did. Now, make that wish come true."
He resisted the temptation to disappear in a cloud of sakura petals, and simply walked away. He didn't look back.
Nevertheless, he found it extremely difficult to sleep that night.
~ * ~
When the knock on the door sounded, Subaru was alone in his apartment. Puzzled, he got up to answer it. Seishirou stood there, with a bundle of roses and a box of expensive chocolate. "Hello, Subaru-kun," he said, with a gentle smile.
Subaru was surprised, but he tried not to let it show. "Seishirou-san," he said, with a smile of his own. "It's nice to see you."
Seishirou kissed him on the forehead. "Now, do you have something so ordinary as a vase around here?" he said, handing the flowers and chocolate over as he removed his coat and shoes.
Subaru nodded, and hunted around in the cupboards until he found it - a simple crystal vase, but enough for the roses. He was slightly puzzled. There was some reason Seishirou couldn't be here, wasn't there? He was certain there was.
"The chocolate is for you," the older man added.
"Thank you very much," said Subaru, politely.
Seishirou took him in his arms and kissed him, on the lips this time.
It was a very long kiss. By the end of it, they were in Subaru's bedroom although he had no idea how they had reached it.
"I love you," said Seishirou, warm honey eyes softening with emotion, "so much."
They kissed again. Seishirou held him close, tightly and warmly. It was the most beautiful feeling Subaru had ever experienced. Still, when Seishirou's hands started drifting lower, he stiffened in apprehension.
"Don't you trust me, still? I've hurt you so much. I'm so sorry." Warm hands cupped his face. "I love you, Sumeragi Subaru. I swear I will never hurt you again."
When Subaru woke up to find himself alone in a different bed, with the morning sunlight lighting up paper walls, he left the house in silence.
Somebody would die today.
~ * ~
When Subaru walked into the living room that evening, his hands were red from scrubbing. Kakyou looked at them significantly. "Do we feel better now that we've killed a few innocents?" he asked, sourly.
Subaru shrugged. "Some people don't deserve to live. Those are the ones I kill. I don't kill innocents."
Kakyou looked at him critically. "Are you okay?"
"I wonder," said Subaru, very softly. "I'm not really sure."
Kakyou just looked at him, silently willing him to go on.
"I can't forget him. Even after all the horrible things he did, I can't stop loving him and I can't seem to let go. Does that make me a bad person, Kakyou-san?"
The dreamgazer shook his head. "No. Just obsessed."
He laughed, bitterly. "Did you know, I told Kamui I was happy? Happy, when the very thought of him brings me close to tears..."
"There are very few people in this world that I would describe as evil, but the former Sakurazukamori was one of them," ventured Kakyou, hoping to distract him.
Subaru frowned. "What about Fuuma?" he asked, thinking of Kamui's heartbroken form; his innocent but heartfelt determination to get "Fuuma" back.
Kakyou shook his head. "Fuuma is simply a tool - in the most literal sense of the world." He smiled, slightly. "One almost has to admire him for finding something enjoyable in his life despite that."
Subaru thought about it for a moment. "I still don't like him."
"And I admit, perhaps I was a bit biased against the Sakurazukamori, since I was in love with... her..." he trailed off, uncertainly. He hadn't meant to say that.
Subaru blinked. "You were in love with my sister?"
Kakyou nodded, slowly.
"Did you ever tell her?"
Kakyou shook his head. "I meant to, but I never got the chance..." he trailed off, uncomfortably.
Subaru sighed. "I wish you had. I think part of the reason she was so desperate to get Seishirou-san and I together was because she was so lonely herself in that respect. She was always so convinced nobody could ever love her because she was so loud and impolite."
Kakyou looked away. "I saw what was going to happen. I was shot trying to save her. I'm sorry."
Subaru shook his head. "It's not your fault. At least you tried. I didn't even know what was going on until it was too late..." Frowning, he shook off the mood. "But, you know, I don't agree with you. I don't think he was evil. Seishirou-san was just... inhuman. He didn't understand human emotions at all and his own were so warped, so twisted, that they were really no basis for comparison."
"Inhuman isn't that much better," said Kakyou. "And ignorance is not an excuse."
The Sumeragi sighed. "Perhaps it isn't, at that. See, even now I defend him."
"It doesn't matter," said Kakyou. "What's done is done, and he's dead now."
Subaru looked down. "Yes."
Kakyou shifted his gaze to the window that faced onto the garden. They sat in companionable silence for some time, just watching the snow falling softly in the garden.
"It'll all be over soon," he said, softly.
The post-Christmas sales made the streets of Tokyo crowded, and Subaru was forced to weave his way through hordes of eager shoppers in order to reach his destination.
Kakyou and he had spent Christmas day just enjoying the feeling of sharing the warmth from the fireplace with another person. He'd forgotten how nice it was to just sit around all day, talking of nothing. He had played the "normal" game, as they had called it, enough with his sister when they were young to have developed a great envy for those without responsibilities like his.
The dreamgazer had been growing increasingly twitchy over the past few days, causing Subaru to hastily re-evaluate his life. Today's journey was the result of one of those decisions.
The Tree might be what makes the Sakurazukamori the Sakurazukamori, but Subaru wasn't going to Ueno Park in order to pay his respects. He was there to make amends.
"Kamui..." he said to the young man leaning against an innocent tree, "I want to apologise. I caused you lots of pain and it wasn't fair of me to hurt you just because I was hurting."
Kamui looked up. "Subaru, I--"
"No. Don't say anything, just listen, Kamui. Don't kick yourself internally because you couldn't save me. I'm alive. And I'm the closest to happy I have ever been in nine years." He couldn't help but smile at Kamui's shocked expression. "I'm not insane, Kamui. But I do want you to know this: My wish was for Seishirou to kill me. You didn't know that, did you?"
Kamui shook his head.
"I was wrong about a lot of things, Kamui. Just because you wish for something with all your heart doesn't mean it is right for you. I want you to remember that. And I'm sorry I can't be the kind of person you want me to be."
Kamui was silent. Feeling he had said all he could, Subaru began to walk away.
"I was in love with you. Did you know that, Subaru?"
Subaru stopped.
"And I thought you understood. I thought we understood each other. But you throw away everything you ever were for the sake of a dead man's Wish and then have the nerve to come here and tell me I should do the same."
"Kamui, that's not what I was saying at all," said Subaru, calmly.
"Why should I listen to you? You're happy being like him! Is it better to be able to kill and not regret than to face your own pain, Subaru? Is that what you figure?" Kamui yelled.
"I am not, nor will I ever be, "like" Seishirou-san," interrupted Subaru, stiffly. Funny, how he'd almost forgotten that Kamui was still a sixteen-year-old boy at heart and just as inclined to lash out with anger when hurt as any of his ilk.
Kamui sniffed in disbelief, but didn't say anything.
"Do you really hate me so much?" asked Subary, softly. "I truly never meant to hurt you, Kamui. It was just selfishness, to presume that I could do what I liked and not have it affect other people." Subaru took a step closer. "My pain is not the same as yours," he said, echoing his words of months ago, "and you are strong enough to deal with your pain. I was never strong enough to let go."
"So, I was right. You only care for yourself. I was stupid to think otherwise," said Kamui, turning away.
Subaru walked up to him and took Kamui's scarred hands in his own. "Oh, no, Kamui. I don't care for myself at all. If I'd cared about myself I would have accepted the gift of your heart. But I won't, because I'm not him. And it wouldn't make you happy."
Kamui looked at him blankly.
Brushing the boy's perpetually unkempt hair out of his eyes, the onmyouji bent over to kiss Kamui on the lips.
Subaru had spent several months in the arms of a man he could not afford to let himself love. He knew exactly how to kiss so that it meant nothing; how to empty one's heart of any feeling without dimishing the physical effects of love-making.
Perhaps he was being cruel to the boy, breaking his heart like this. Even the best of intentions couldn't lessen the pain of knowing the one you loved with all your heart cared for you not.
"Promise me something, Kamui?" he said, brushing tears off the boy's cheek. "Don't ever lose sight of why you are fighting. There's a reason you were given that choice. You're strong enough to make that decision and strong enough to fight for it."
"But I don't want to kill Fuuma," said Kamui in a small voice.
"That," said Subaru firmly, "is not Fuuma. That is a tool of destiny. Nothing more, nothing less. He is very powerful, but you are Kamui. You have a reason to fight."
"My strength lies in emotion?"
"Your strength lies in conviction. You know why you really chose what you did. Now, make that wish come true."
He resisted the temptation to disappear in a cloud of sakura petals, and simply walked away. He didn't look back.
Nevertheless, he found it extremely difficult to sleep that night.
When the knock on the door sounded, Subaru was alone in his apartment. Puzzled, he got up to answer it. Seishirou stood there, with a bundle of roses and a box of expensive chocolate. "Hello, Subaru-kun," he said, with a gentle smile.
Subaru was surprised, but he tried not to let it show. "Seishirou-san," he said, with a smile of his own. "It's nice to see you."
Seishirou kissed him on the forehead. "Now, do you have something so ordinary as a vase around here?" he said, handing the flowers and chocolate over as he removed his coat and shoes.
Subaru nodded, and hunted around in the cupboards until he found it - a simple crystal vase, but enough for the roses. He was slightly puzzled. There was some reason Seishirou couldn't be here, wasn't there? He was certain there was.
"The chocolate is for you," the older man added.
"Thank you very much," said Subaru, politely.
Seishirou took him in his arms and kissed him, on the lips this time.
It was a very long kiss. By the end of it, they were in Subaru's bedroom although he had no idea how they had reached it.
"I love you," said Seishirou, warm honey eyes softening with emotion, "so much."
They kissed again. Seishirou held him close, tightly and warmly. It was the most beautiful feeling Subaru had ever experienced. Still, when Seishirou's hands started drifting lower, he stiffened in apprehension.
"Don't you trust me, still? I've hurt you so much. I'm so sorry." Warm hands cupped his face. "I love you, Sumeragi Subaru. I swear I will never hurt you again."
When Subaru woke up to find himself alone in a different bed, with the morning sunlight lighting up paper walls, he left the house in silence.
Somebody would die today.
When Subaru walked into the living room that evening, his hands were red from scrubbing. Kakyou looked at them significantly. "Do we feel better now that we've killed a few innocents?" he asked, sourly.
Subaru shrugged. "Some people don't deserve to live. Those are the ones I kill. I don't kill innocents."
Kakyou looked at him critically. "Are you okay?"
"I wonder," said Subaru, very softly. "I'm not really sure."
Kakyou just looked at him, silently willing him to go on.
"I can't forget him. Even after all the horrible things he did, I can't stop loving him and I can't seem to let go. Does that make me a bad person, Kakyou-san?"
The dreamgazer shook his head. "No. Just obsessed."
He laughed, bitterly. "Did you know, I told Kamui I was happy? Happy, when the very thought of him brings me close to tears..."
"There are very few people in this world that I would describe as evil, but the former Sakurazukamori was one of them," ventured Kakyou, hoping to distract him.
Subaru frowned. "What about Fuuma?" he asked, thinking of Kamui's heartbroken form; his innocent but heartfelt determination to get "Fuuma" back.
Kakyou shook his head. "Fuuma is simply a tool - in the most literal sense of the world." He smiled, slightly. "One almost has to admire him for finding something enjoyable in his life despite that."
Subaru thought about it for a moment. "I still don't like him."
"And I admit, perhaps I was a bit biased against the Sakurazukamori, since I was in love with... her..." he trailed off, uncertainly. He hadn't meant to say that.
Subaru blinked. "You were in love with my sister?"
Kakyou nodded, slowly.
"Did you ever tell her?"
Kakyou shook his head. "I meant to, but I never got the chance..." he trailed off, uncomfortably.
Subaru sighed. "I wish you had. I think part of the reason she was so desperate to get Seishirou-san and I together was because she was so lonely herself in that respect. She was always so convinced nobody could ever love her because she was so loud and impolite."
Kakyou looked away. "I saw what was going to happen. I was shot trying to save her. I'm sorry."
Subaru shook his head. "It's not your fault. At least you tried. I didn't even know what was going on until it was too late..." Frowning, he shook off the mood. "But, you know, I don't agree with you. I don't think he was evil. Seishirou-san was just... inhuman. He didn't understand human emotions at all and his own were so warped, so twisted, that they were really no basis for comparison."
"Inhuman isn't that much better," said Kakyou. "And ignorance is not an excuse."
The Sumeragi sighed. "Perhaps it isn't, at that. See, even now I defend him."
"It doesn't matter," said Kakyou. "What's done is done, and he's dead now."
Subaru looked down. "Yes."
Kakyou shifted his gaze to the window that faced onto the garden. They sat in companionable silence for some time, just watching the snow falling softly in the garden.
"It'll all be over soon," he said, softly.