Disclaimer: Oops- nevermind. Might as well post this chapter up too. The usual stuff here- characters aren't mine, they belong to Jonathan Larson.
Chapter 2: Anything But the Truth
Mark turned over to his side and looked at Maureen's still face. Her eyes were lightly shut and her chest gently rose and fell with each breath.
She looks so innocent when she's asleep, he thought.
He slid his arm around her waist and pressed his face against her soft, blonde curls. It was the only time Mark could hold Maureen. When he tried to hold her during the day, she would give him a quick hug and then push him away from her as if he were a bother. But now, as she lay sleeping, he could hold her in his arms and pretend that his world was okay. He could pretend that she wasn't slowly slipping away from him.
That she wasn't cheating on him with every other man in the city.
He sighed and closed his eyes.
You're all I have, he thought.
Random thoughts crept into his mind as he began to lose consciousness. Faces and voices and ideas drifted in and out as he gradually fell asleep.
I love you Maureen.
Please don't hurt me anymore.
I love you so much.
I love you.
April.
Mark's eyes flew open and his arm jerked as if struck by a bolt.
April.
Maureen moaned and her eyes fluttered slightly. Mark held his breath and his body still, trying not to disturb her. He waited a few minutes before slipping his arm away from her and rolling onto his back.
He stared at the ceiling in consternation.
Shit Mark, you've got to stop thinking about her like that.
She's Roger's girlfriend.
He shut his eyes tightly and put his hand on his forehead, trying to force himself not to think about her. For the past five months, Mark had been with April almost every day. While Roger was away at practice, or out promoting his band, April would stay at the loft with Mark.
It had gotten to the point where they had a routine all worked out. April would make breakfast for everyone and Mark would clean up afterwards. Then April would leave for work after Roger left and Mark would wait for her to get home. On the days when she left work early they would go for a walk in the city, giving Mark an opportunity to film. If she left late, then they would stay at the loft and work on Mark's scripts. He used to suggest, half-jokingly, that she should give up her apartment and move in with them.
Mark opened his eyes and lowered his hand, blinking up at the ceiling.
Sometimes Mark would stare at the front door long after Roger and April had left to go to one of his gigs. He would try to convince himself that the feelings he felt after they left were caused by the heaviness of the silence around him.
He tried to convince himself that he felt sadness because Maureen was barely around anymore; that the jealousy he felt towards Roger was because of the success of his band.
Anything but the truth.
Mark sighed again.
He closed his eyes, forcing all thought from his mind in an effort to fall asleep when he heard the front door open.
And then a thud and laughter.
"Roger, shhh!"
A few more bumps and bangs and more laughter.
"Roger, Mark and Maureen are probably asleep..."
"So what!"
Mark frowned and he sat up, being careful not wake Maureen. He grabbed his glasses from his desk and stood up. Lately Roger had been coming home intoxicated and Mark knew that April would need help getting him to bed.
He swung his door open and blinked at the sudden exposure of light on his sensitive eyes.
"Roger? April?"
April looked up, her brown eyes wide and frustrated. Roger was leaning heavily on her, with one arm slung around her shoulders. He grinned up at Mark when he saw him.
Mark stood still and stared at them.
Something was strange about Roger.
He wasn't just drunk.
He was...
"Mark, could you?" she asked.
Mark hurried towards them, snapping out of his daze and slipped his arm around Roger's waist. Together, Mark and April walked Roger to his room, both struggling under the weight of his body. Roger's head rolled from side to side and he laughed as Mark dropped him down on his bed.
Mark looked up at April. She didn't look back at him and he realized that her pale cheeks were shiny with tears.
"April, what happened?"
She sat down next to Roger and he laughed again. He shifted onto his side and tugged at April's arm.
His blue eyes were dark and half closed as he reached up and pulled April down to him.
"Come on babe." he said. His voice was low and hoarse and each word was pushed out with effort. "Relax. It's just this once.."
Mark watched as she lowered her head and laid down beside Roger.
"April..."
"Mark, I left the front door open. Can you please close it?" she mumbled. Her eyes were focused on Roger's face and she held on to him tightly, like a child clutching at her mother. Roger shifted onto his back and his arm flopped down beside him, exposing his skin.
Mark's eyes grew wide as he saw the small red mark on Roger's arm. He took a step forward and April shut her eyes, tightening her grip on Roger's black tee shirt.
"April, what the hell is that?" he whispered. "What the hell did Roger do?"
But she only ignored him.
"April..."
"Mark, leave me alone." she muttered.
Roger's eyes opened and turned his head towards Mark. A wide, inane smile slowly slid across his face and waved his hand at Mark.
"Yeah, Mark, loosen up." he said. "You're too fucking uptight. Leave her alone..."
Mark took a step back and blinked. He suddenly realized that he hadn't smelled alcohol on Roger.
He wasn't drunk.
Not at all.
It was something else.
"April?" He said her name again, hoping she would look up at him but she only turned her face away.
He wasn't going to get any answers from her.
At least not tonight.
He walked towards the door and took one look back at them on the bed.
April's shoulders were trembling and she had opened her eyes. Tears slid down her face as she looked up at Roger with a mixture of fear, anger and love.
Mark lowered his head and turned around, closing the door behind him.
The next morning, Mark waited for April as he sat on the kitchen table.
Maureen had already slipped out sometime during the early hours of dawn. He had woken up to find the other side of his bed empty and cold.
He felt empty and cold.
He wiped the lens of his camera with one end of his scarf and flicked a switch on and off. He had been sitting there for almost six hours and although it was past noon, neither Roger nor April had gotten up yet.
He's using again, Mark thought.
Fuck.
How could he do this?
Mark looked up at the sound of Roger's door opening and his eyes latched onto April's white face as she stepped outside. She quickly lowered her eyes when she saw him and walked towards the refrigerator.
She was still wearing her clothes from the night before.
"April."
She brought out a bottle of water and twisted the cap open.
Her brown eyes met his gaze nervously.
"Are you hungry, Mark?" she asked, in a tense voice. "We have some eggs left. I could..."
"Did he shoot up again last night?"
An expression of shock flitted across her face.
"Again?"
Mark looked at her and nodded. She was so innocent. Although he wasn't that much older than her, he had seen and experienced so much more than she had. He sometimes forgot that along with her child-like qualities, she was incredibly naive.
April looked down and ran her fingers through her hair. "He told me last night was the..."
"First time?" Mark swung out his legs and hopped off of the table. He stood in front of her and studied her face. "You believe that?"
She picked at the label on the bottle and shrugged. "Why shouldn't I?" she said quietly. "I love him. Why shouldn't I believe him?"
Mark froze and blinked up at her.
"You're... you're in love with Roger?" he asked, cringing at how pathetic he sounded.
She laughed awkwardly and put the cap back on the bottle.
"Isn't it obvious? I've only been hanging on his arm for the last five months."
She turned her head away and bit her bottom lip. Mark's eyes traveled down from her face to her hands.
She was shaking.
"Did you...?" he began but then he stopped.
April glared at him with her red rimmed eyes.
"Did I shoot up? Of course I didn't, Mark." she asked angrily. She shoved the bottle onto his chest and he was barely able to catch it before it fell to the floor. She pulled up the sleeves of her shirt and showed him her pale, smooth bare arms.
"I believe you, April." he said quietly. She crossed her arms and looked back down.
"Look Mark, he said it would be the last time." she muttered.
Mark shrugged and turned his back on her, walking towards his camera.
"Who knows, maybe it will be." he said quietly. "But you have to know, this isn't the first time."
"How many.. I mean, how long.. "
He picked up his camera and stared at it. "On and off for the past year. I thought he had quit for good before he met you."
He turned around and shook his head, realizing how his words might have sounded.
"Oh God, April...that... that's not what I meant." he stammered. "I meant that before he met you, he.. "
April stared at him, incredulous, with fresh tears in her eyes.
"I told him not to." she said. Her voice was choked with emotion. "I told him I didn't want him to.. to do that. But there were too many people around. Everyone else was.... he just... How could you say..."
"April, it's not your fault." he said firmly. "Look, Roger does what he wants to do. He won't listen to anyone once he has his mind set. You know that as well as I do. It's not your fault."
He moved forward to touch her, to comfort her, but the sound of Roger's door opening made him stop.
"Hey, what's going on?" Roger mumbled, rubbing his eyes. He ran his fingers through his hair and shuffled towards April. His eyes were bloodshot and watery. As Mark watched, Roger wrapped his arms around April and drew her against himself. "What are you doing out here?"
April leaned her head against his chest and glanced at Mark. "Nothing." she said in a low voice. "I just got up to get a drink of water."
Roger turned his head to look at Mark, as if noticing him for the first time.
"Hey, you missed the best party last night. Kevin and Sandra had a..."
Mark took a deep breath and forced himself to blurt out the words. "Roger, are you using again?"
Roger's face twisted into an expression of irritation and disgust.
"Oh Christ, Mark." he said. "Are we gonna have this talk again? I don't need you to be my goddamn babysitter!"
Mark flinched and unconsciously drew back. "Last night when you came in... I saw your arm and..."
Roger snorted and rolled his eyes. "So fucking what?" he said angrily. "Maybe if you'd come out with us once in awhile instead of planting your ass on that table, you'd finally have a little fun."
"Shooting up isn't what I call fun, Roger."
"Whatever Mark, I don't have time to deal with your shit."
Roger turned back to April and pressed his face against her neck. "Come on baby, let's go back to bed." he said in a hoarse voice. "We have a gig tonight. I wanna get some more sleep..."
"It's almost two o'clock, Roger." Mark said softly. "You've been asleep for almost ten hours."
"Just shut the fuck up, Mark!" Roger screamed suddenly, looking up.
April winced and closed her eyes. She turned her face away and Mark suddenly felt helpless watching them.
"April, I..." Mark began but she opened her eyes and turned her face up to Roger.
Roger smiled down at April and she smiled back.
From his distance, Mark could see how forced her expression was.
But Roger couldn't.
He took her hand and threw Mark a threatening look before dragging her back into his bedroom.
Mark stared at Roger's closed door for a long time, praying and hoping that it would open.
After awhile, he wiped his tear streaked face with the back of his hand and turned away.
"Pookie, we need to talk."
Mark looked up from his notepad and shoved his glasses back up with one finger. He was sitting cross legged on the icy floor of the loft.
He looked at Maureen.
"Yeah? About what, Maureen?" he said softly, craning his neck. Maureen stood in front of him, her arms crossed and her pink lips set in a slight frown.
"Mark, stand up."
"I like it down here." he said, putting his notebook down. "It's cold. It keeps me awake and..."
"Mark, stand up. I'm not sitting on the floor."
He stood up without another word.
I'm just a puppet on a string, he thought as she pulled him over to the kitchen table.
"So... what's wrong?" he asked meekly when they sat down.
"Mark, baby, you know I love you..." she began and Mark nodded.
"Yeah, I know, Maureen." he said but his gloomy expression belied his words. He picked at a splintered corner of the table.
"Mark, I can't live here anymore." she said quickly. "I'm moving out."
Mark looked up in surprise and shock. He felt sick to his stomach.
"Wh.. what?" he stammered, sitting up. "Why? Maureen, you can't! I mean...where will you live?"
"Mark, I just put a down payment on an apartment a few days ago." she said. Her blue eyes seemed kind and apologetic. "I'm moving out this weekend."
"What?" Mark felt as if the breath had been knocked out of him. "But Maureen, why? What did I do?"
"It's not about you, Mark, you know that. Don't take it personally."
"How could it not be about me?" Mark asked, feeling a chill run through him. "How can I not take it personally? Why? Why are you moving out?"
"Because I can't take this shit with Roger anymore!" she cried out suddenly. "He always comes home at some Godforsaken hour, waking everyone in the loft up..."
"It's just you and me, Maureen..."
"And he scares me now, Mark. Last week was the last straw for me. I have to get out of here. And if you're smart, you'd move out too!"
"Maureen, we have to help him, not run away from him!" Mark cried back.
"Mark, last week he came home at five o'clock in the morning and almost broke this goddamn table!" she yelled, standing up. "He threw himself on it just because April asked him to be quiet! The week before that little incident, he kicked the door off of its hinges because he couldn't find the key! How can you stay here with him? How can you put up with his shit? How can you expect me to?"
"Because he's your friend!" Mark screamed out, surprising himself. "And he's my bestfriend!"
Maureen's mouth shut and she glared at him. "Of course, he's my friend, Mark. But I have my limits. I don't feel safe living here anymore."
Mark drew his arms around himself and shivered. All the warmth had disappeared from his body and he felt numbed. He knew that what Maureen was saying was true. Roger had been using regularly for a month and it was hell for Mark.
It was hell for everyone.
"We have to help him, Maureen." Mark said quietly. He slumped down in his seat as she loomed over him. "We can't just abandon him."
Maureen kneeled down before him and touched his knee tenderly. "Pookie, he needs more help than you can give him. Think about yourself for once. You always put Roger before yourself. This time, you can't carry his problems on your shoulders. He is beyond your help."
Mark shook his head. "That's not true." he said. "I can reach him. I did it once. I can do it again."
"Roger has April now, Mark. Let her take care of him."
"April can't do it by herself."
"Then let her take him to rehab or something!" Maureen said, exasperated. She pushed herself away from him and shook her head. "Let her worry about Roger from now on. Just get out of here before Roger does something to you."
"You want me to leave the loft." Mark said dully. "And where would I go, Maureen? I know you don't want me to move in with you, right?"
Maureen lowered her eyes and said nothing.
"Don't use Roger as an excuse for moving out. You can't just find an apartment and move into it within a week." Mark said. He frowned at her. "You've been planning this for a long time, haven't you, Maureen?"
She brought her eyes back up to his. "Mark, I need my space." she said quietly. "And this thing with Roger... I may have been planning to move out for awhile now but I'm not using Roger as an excuse. He truly frightens me."
She gave a theatrical shiver and Mark sighed heavily. Maureen saw the look of resignation on his face and she put her hands over his, warming them.
"You know I care for Roger. I just can't handle it anymore."
"Okay."
"I love you, Pookie."
Mark stayed silent. He couldn't say the words back to her as he had a hundred times before.
Maureen waited for him to say something and Mark turned his eyes away from her glare.
"Fine, be like that, Mark." she snapped. She pushed away his hands and stood up. "But you know I'm right, Mark. You can't help him. He's too far gone to be helped just by you. Take care of yourself. Let April find some way to take care of him."
Mark lifted his eyes to her and felt a rush of anger run through him. "But who's going to take care of April?"
Maureen opened her mouth to say something and then snapped it shut. She stared at him with a strange glimmer in her eye.
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that coming from my boyfriend's mouth." she said quietly. She buttoned up her jacket and walked towards the door. Mark watched her as she opened the door.
"Where are you going?" he asked suddenly.
"Don't worry about it, Mark."
"Let me guess. Out for a night of general merriment? A fun night of inebriation? A night of fucking someone who isn't me?"
Maureen stomped over to Mark and before he could react, her hand flew across his face.
She had slapped him.
Mark's head snapped to the side and his eyes burned with tears. He rubbed his face and whimpered.
"Fuck you, Mark." Maureen said in a low voice. "That was low."
Mark looked back at her and glared through his tears. "I know you're cheating on me, Maureen. I know. Pookie."
"Do you want to end this?!" she screamed at him. "Do you want us to be over? Is that what you want, Mark? Because if it is..."
"No." Mark said softly. He closed his eyes and lowered his head, sobbing. "You're the only one I have left, Maureen. The only one. I'm sorry. Sorry.. please don't leave me. Please..."
I'm losing Roger.
I'm losing April.
I love her.
I love April.
Mark sobbed at the thought and let Maureen touch his face. He let her kiss his cheeks and run her fingers through his hair. He felt like clay in her hands as she slid her hands up, beneath his sweater. He kissed her back with shut eyes, pretending and dreaming, as she moved her hands over his body. Maureen knew what she doing. She knew Mark's body and how he responded to her touch. Mark let her stroke him, caress him and he moaned softly as she pressed herself against him.
April.
It was April who was touching him. It was April who took his glasses off and put them on the table. Who was whispering in his ear.
"Mark, we're okay." Maureen whispered. "We'll work things out. We'll still be together even if I move out. We'll be okay."
Mark kept his eyes shut and nodded. He felt her hands move down...
No.
He pushed himself away and the screech of the chair against the floor broke the heated silence of the loft. Maureen stared at him, open mouthed. He had never refused her before.
Never once.
"Not right now." he said breathlessly. "Not like this."
They stared at each other, both of them not knowing what to do.
Suddenly, the front door opened and April walked in. Maureen stood up, hastily brushing imaginary lint from her pants.
"Well, Mark, I'll be going." Maureen said shortly. April looked over at them and took a step back.
"I'm sorry." she said. "Did I interrupt you guys? I'll just go..."
"No, it's okay, April." Maureen said, tossing her hair back. She smiled at April sweetly and walked past her to the door. Mark was amazed at how quickly she had composed herself. "I was just leaving anyway."
April nodded and walked to the kitchen, turning her back on them. Mark knew she was trying to make herself as inconspicuous as possible. He stood up and shoved his glasses back on, walking towards Maureen.
"Maureen, I'm sorry." he said weakly and she shrugged.
"It's okay, Mark." she said. She reached up and ran a finger down his cheek. "Like I said, we'll be okay, Pookie."
He saw a glimmer of compassion in her eyes as she looked at him.
Maureen did love him, Mark knew that.
But he knew that she didn't know how to love him.
He knew that she didn't really know him at all.
He leaned his forehead against the door when she closed it.
Shit, he thought.
What am I doing?
Why did I push her away?
He closed his eyes.
Because I know she isn't the one I want.
For the first time in his life, Mark knew exactly what he wanted.
But he knew he couldn't have it.
Her.
Mark felt her cold hand on his cheek and he opened his eyes.
"What happened to your face, Mark?"
He stood up straight and faced her.
"I, uh, I... fell." he said.
April blinked, staring at him. She still wore her bookstore uniform and Mark noticed that it hung loosely on her now. Her apron strings were tied twice around her waist. Her face was tired and worn and her brown eyes were darkened by shadows. Her once lively, pretty hair now seemed limp and dry.
She looked old.
"You fell." she said quietly. "Okay, Mark. Sure."
"You don't have to believe me."
"I want to." she said. She drew her hand back and Mark felt a dull ache in his chest as she moved away. "Are you hungry, Mark? I mean, we're running a little low on food but I could still make something."
"No. Are you?" he asked. He didn't feel like eating.
She shook her head and sat down on a chair. Mark followed her, dragging the other chair next to her.
"Is Roger home?" she asked, twirling a strand of hair with her finger. It was a nervous habit she had. Mark knew that.
"No. He hasn't come home yet." Mark said. "He left around two hours ago. Maybe three."
"It's getting dark outside." April muttered, more to herself than to him. "He should be home soon. He has a gig tonight."
"Oh." Mark tapped his fingers on the table. "April, I've been meaning to ask you..."
"So how's your film going?" she asked suddenly.
Mark paused. "Uh, it's fine. Aside from a little writer's block, it's okay."
"Really? How far along are you now?"
He sighed. It was no use lying. "Okay, maybe it's not as okay as it should be." he muttered. "I just have other things on my mind right now. For example, you and..."
"You know what, Mark?"
"What?"
"I think you should film without a script for once." she said. Her brown eyes suddenly came to life as she leaned forward and smiled at him. "You know, like how you filmed when we used to go on our walks? Instead of trying to write order into the world, just film it as it is."
"And where did these words of wisdom come from?" he asked, smiling back.
She shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. I just thought of it while I was at work." she said. "You know, gotta keep the mind busy."
"Right." Mark said. "Listen, April, we need to talk abo.."
"Mark, I'm tired." she said, leaning back. "Really tired. I know what you want to talk about and I just can't... not right now. Please?"
Mark sighed and nodded. "Okay, but tomorrow...."
"Tomorrow, I start at noon. I have some time in the morning."
"Okay, April."
"I think I'm going to lay down for a minute." April said. Her brown eyes grew dull again as she stood up. "It's been a long day...."
She stood up and swayed.
Mark caught her before she hit the floor.
"Jesus Christ, April." Mark swore as he helped her back to her chair. "Are you okay? April?"
She leaned forward on the table and placed her head in her arms.
"I'm tired." she said. Her voice sounded muffled.
"Have you eaten at all today?" Mark asked, not wanting to take his arm away from her. She seemed to have trouble staying on her chair.
"I wasn't hungry." she mumbled. She closed her eyes and Mark shook her before she could fall asleep.
"Okay, I'm taking you to bed." he said. He started to pull her up but she waved him away.
"No, I don't want to go to Roger's room." she said. She propped herself up with her hands on the table and looked at him.
She attempted to smile but the effort was wasted.
"I'm just exhausted, Mark." she said. "There were almost a hundred customers per hour today and we were understaffed. I didn't have time to eat. Believe me."
"I want to." he said, echoing her earlier words. She looked away and rubbed her eyes.
"You have to lay down, at least." Mark said. She turned back to him with her red rimmed eyes. "You can crash on my bed."
April stared at Mark long enough to make him blush and lower his eyes.
"I mean, you know...just to take a nap." he muttered.
"I know, Mark." she said. "Okay."
He helped her to her feet and when he was sure she was able to walk by herself, Mark skipped ahead of her and opened his door.
"It's a little messy." he said, blushing again as she walked inside. Mark's room was sparse. A large bed, a lamp, and a desk were the only items of furniture he had in his room. Some of Maureen's clothes were piled up on the desk but otherwise, his room looked as if it had been abandoned.
April laid down on his bed and brought her knees up to her chest.
"I hope Maureen won't mind." she said. She closed her eyes and yawned.
Mark sat down on the edge of his bed and looked down. "She won't mind." he said softly. "April, Maureen's moving out."
"Wake me up when Roger gets back." she muttered, not hearing Mark's words.
"Okay."
Mark watched her, waiting for her to say something else but soon he realized she had already fallen asleep. He stood up and unfolded the blanket at her feet. With swift, gentle movements, he covered her with the soft material and stepped back.
April's hands were clenched into tight fists and her lips were pressed into a small grimace. It was obvious to him that she didn't sleep peacefully.
He turned around and closed the door behind him.
The next morning, Mark waited for April to wake up.
He waited until the late afternoon sun filled the loft before he stood up and knocked lightly on Roger's door.
He pressed his ear against it and closed his eyes.
"Damn." he muttered.
He opened the door and sighed heavily.
The room was empty.
Chapter 2: Anything But the Truth
Mark turned over to his side and looked at Maureen's still face. Her eyes were lightly shut and her chest gently rose and fell with each breath.
She looks so innocent when she's asleep, he thought.
He slid his arm around her waist and pressed his face against her soft, blonde curls. It was the only time Mark could hold Maureen. When he tried to hold her during the day, she would give him a quick hug and then push him away from her as if he were a bother. But now, as she lay sleeping, he could hold her in his arms and pretend that his world was okay. He could pretend that she wasn't slowly slipping away from him.
That she wasn't cheating on him with every other man in the city.
He sighed and closed his eyes.
You're all I have, he thought.
Random thoughts crept into his mind as he began to lose consciousness. Faces and voices and ideas drifted in and out as he gradually fell asleep.
I love you Maureen.
Please don't hurt me anymore.
I love you so much.
I love you.
April.
Mark's eyes flew open and his arm jerked as if struck by a bolt.
April.
Maureen moaned and her eyes fluttered slightly. Mark held his breath and his body still, trying not to disturb her. He waited a few minutes before slipping his arm away from her and rolling onto his back.
He stared at the ceiling in consternation.
Shit Mark, you've got to stop thinking about her like that.
She's Roger's girlfriend.
He shut his eyes tightly and put his hand on his forehead, trying to force himself not to think about her. For the past five months, Mark had been with April almost every day. While Roger was away at practice, or out promoting his band, April would stay at the loft with Mark.
It had gotten to the point where they had a routine all worked out. April would make breakfast for everyone and Mark would clean up afterwards. Then April would leave for work after Roger left and Mark would wait for her to get home. On the days when she left work early they would go for a walk in the city, giving Mark an opportunity to film. If she left late, then they would stay at the loft and work on Mark's scripts. He used to suggest, half-jokingly, that she should give up her apartment and move in with them.
Mark opened his eyes and lowered his hand, blinking up at the ceiling.
Sometimes Mark would stare at the front door long after Roger and April had left to go to one of his gigs. He would try to convince himself that the feelings he felt after they left were caused by the heaviness of the silence around him.
He tried to convince himself that he felt sadness because Maureen was barely around anymore; that the jealousy he felt towards Roger was because of the success of his band.
Anything but the truth.
Mark sighed again.
He closed his eyes, forcing all thought from his mind in an effort to fall asleep when he heard the front door open.
And then a thud and laughter.
"Roger, shhh!"
A few more bumps and bangs and more laughter.
"Roger, Mark and Maureen are probably asleep..."
"So what!"
Mark frowned and he sat up, being careful not wake Maureen. He grabbed his glasses from his desk and stood up. Lately Roger had been coming home intoxicated and Mark knew that April would need help getting him to bed.
He swung his door open and blinked at the sudden exposure of light on his sensitive eyes.
"Roger? April?"
April looked up, her brown eyes wide and frustrated. Roger was leaning heavily on her, with one arm slung around her shoulders. He grinned up at Mark when he saw him.
Mark stood still and stared at them.
Something was strange about Roger.
He wasn't just drunk.
He was...
"Mark, could you?" she asked.
Mark hurried towards them, snapping out of his daze and slipped his arm around Roger's waist. Together, Mark and April walked Roger to his room, both struggling under the weight of his body. Roger's head rolled from side to side and he laughed as Mark dropped him down on his bed.
Mark looked up at April. She didn't look back at him and he realized that her pale cheeks were shiny with tears.
"April, what happened?"
She sat down next to Roger and he laughed again. He shifted onto his side and tugged at April's arm.
His blue eyes were dark and half closed as he reached up and pulled April down to him.
"Come on babe." he said. His voice was low and hoarse and each word was pushed out with effort. "Relax. It's just this once.."
Mark watched as she lowered her head and laid down beside Roger.
"April..."
"Mark, I left the front door open. Can you please close it?" she mumbled. Her eyes were focused on Roger's face and she held on to him tightly, like a child clutching at her mother. Roger shifted onto his back and his arm flopped down beside him, exposing his skin.
Mark's eyes grew wide as he saw the small red mark on Roger's arm. He took a step forward and April shut her eyes, tightening her grip on Roger's black tee shirt.
"April, what the hell is that?" he whispered. "What the hell did Roger do?"
But she only ignored him.
"April..."
"Mark, leave me alone." she muttered.
Roger's eyes opened and turned his head towards Mark. A wide, inane smile slowly slid across his face and waved his hand at Mark.
"Yeah, Mark, loosen up." he said. "You're too fucking uptight. Leave her alone..."
Mark took a step back and blinked. He suddenly realized that he hadn't smelled alcohol on Roger.
He wasn't drunk.
Not at all.
It was something else.
"April?" He said her name again, hoping she would look up at him but she only turned her face away.
He wasn't going to get any answers from her.
At least not tonight.
He walked towards the door and took one look back at them on the bed.
April's shoulders were trembling and she had opened her eyes. Tears slid down her face as she looked up at Roger with a mixture of fear, anger and love.
Mark lowered his head and turned around, closing the door behind him.
The next morning, Mark waited for April as he sat on the kitchen table.
Maureen had already slipped out sometime during the early hours of dawn. He had woken up to find the other side of his bed empty and cold.
He felt empty and cold.
He wiped the lens of his camera with one end of his scarf and flicked a switch on and off. He had been sitting there for almost six hours and although it was past noon, neither Roger nor April had gotten up yet.
He's using again, Mark thought.
Fuck.
How could he do this?
Mark looked up at the sound of Roger's door opening and his eyes latched onto April's white face as she stepped outside. She quickly lowered her eyes when she saw him and walked towards the refrigerator.
She was still wearing her clothes from the night before.
"April."
She brought out a bottle of water and twisted the cap open.
Her brown eyes met his gaze nervously.
"Are you hungry, Mark?" she asked, in a tense voice. "We have some eggs left. I could..."
"Did he shoot up again last night?"
An expression of shock flitted across her face.
"Again?"
Mark looked at her and nodded. She was so innocent. Although he wasn't that much older than her, he had seen and experienced so much more than she had. He sometimes forgot that along with her child-like qualities, she was incredibly naive.
April looked down and ran her fingers through her hair. "He told me last night was the..."
"First time?" Mark swung out his legs and hopped off of the table. He stood in front of her and studied her face. "You believe that?"
She picked at the label on the bottle and shrugged. "Why shouldn't I?" she said quietly. "I love him. Why shouldn't I believe him?"
Mark froze and blinked up at her.
"You're... you're in love with Roger?" he asked, cringing at how pathetic he sounded.
She laughed awkwardly and put the cap back on the bottle.
"Isn't it obvious? I've only been hanging on his arm for the last five months."
She turned her head away and bit her bottom lip. Mark's eyes traveled down from her face to her hands.
She was shaking.
"Did you...?" he began but then he stopped.
April glared at him with her red rimmed eyes.
"Did I shoot up? Of course I didn't, Mark." she asked angrily. She shoved the bottle onto his chest and he was barely able to catch it before it fell to the floor. She pulled up the sleeves of her shirt and showed him her pale, smooth bare arms.
"I believe you, April." he said quietly. She crossed her arms and looked back down.
"Look Mark, he said it would be the last time." she muttered.
Mark shrugged and turned his back on her, walking towards his camera.
"Who knows, maybe it will be." he said quietly. "But you have to know, this isn't the first time."
"How many.. I mean, how long.. "
He picked up his camera and stared at it. "On and off for the past year. I thought he had quit for good before he met you."
He turned around and shook his head, realizing how his words might have sounded.
"Oh God, April...that... that's not what I meant." he stammered. "I meant that before he met you, he.. "
April stared at him, incredulous, with fresh tears in her eyes.
"I told him not to." she said. Her voice was choked with emotion. "I told him I didn't want him to.. to do that. But there were too many people around. Everyone else was.... he just... How could you say..."
"April, it's not your fault." he said firmly. "Look, Roger does what he wants to do. He won't listen to anyone once he has his mind set. You know that as well as I do. It's not your fault."
He moved forward to touch her, to comfort her, but the sound of Roger's door opening made him stop.
"Hey, what's going on?" Roger mumbled, rubbing his eyes. He ran his fingers through his hair and shuffled towards April. His eyes were bloodshot and watery. As Mark watched, Roger wrapped his arms around April and drew her against himself. "What are you doing out here?"
April leaned her head against his chest and glanced at Mark. "Nothing." she said in a low voice. "I just got up to get a drink of water."
Roger turned his head to look at Mark, as if noticing him for the first time.
"Hey, you missed the best party last night. Kevin and Sandra had a..."
Mark took a deep breath and forced himself to blurt out the words. "Roger, are you using again?"
Roger's face twisted into an expression of irritation and disgust.
"Oh Christ, Mark." he said. "Are we gonna have this talk again? I don't need you to be my goddamn babysitter!"
Mark flinched and unconsciously drew back. "Last night when you came in... I saw your arm and..."
Roger snorted and rolled his eyes. "So fucking what?" he said angrily. "Maybe if you'd come out with us once in awhile instead of planting your ass on that table, you'd finally have a little fun."
"Shooting up isn't what I call fun, Roger."
"Whatever Mark, I don't have time to deal with your shit."
Roger turned back to April and pressed his face against her neck. "Come on baby, let's go back to bed." he said in a hoarse voice. "We have a gig tonight. I wanna get some more sleep..."
"It's almost two o'clock, Roger." Mark said softly. "You've been asleep for almost ten hours."
"Just shut the fuck up, Mark!" Roger screamed suddenly, looking up.
April winced and closed her eyes. She turned her face away and Mark suddenly felt helpless watching them.
"April, I..." Mark began but she opened her eyes and turned her face up to Roger.
Roger smiled down at April and she smiled back.
From his distance, Mark could see how forced her expression was.
But Roger couldn't.
He took her hand and threw Mark a threatening look before dragging her back into his bedroom.
Mark stared at Roger's closed door for a long time, praying and hoping that it would open.
After awhile, he wiped his tear streaked face with the back of his hand and turned away.
"Pookie, we need to talk."
Mark looked up from his notepad and shoved his glasses back up with one finger. He was sitting cross legged on the icy floor of the loft.
He looked at Maureen.
"Yeah? About what, Maureen?" he said softly, craning his neck. Maureen stood in front of him, her arms crossed and her pink lips set in a slight frown.
"Mark, stand up."
"I like it down here." he said, putting his notebook down. "It's cold. It keeps me awake and..."
"Mark, stand up. I'm not sitting on the floor."
He stood up without another word.
I'm just a puppet on a string, he thought as she pulled him over to the kitchen table.
"So... what's wrong?" he asked meekly when they sat down.
"Mark, baby, you know I love you..." she began and Mark nodded.
"Yeah, I know, Maureen." he said but his gloomy expression belied his words. He picked at a splintered corner of the table.
"Mark, I can't live here anymore." she said quickly. "I'm moving out."
Mark looked up in surprise and shock. He felt sick to his stomach.
"Wh.. what?" he stammered, sitting up. "Why? Maureen, you can't! I mean...where will you live?"
"Mark, I just put a down payment on an apartment a few days ago." she said. Her blue eyes seemed kind and apologetic. "I'm moving out this weekend."
"What?" Mark felt as if the breath had been knocked out of him. "But Maureen, why? What did I do?"
"It's not about you, Mark, you know that. Don't take it personally."
"How could it not be about me?" Mark asked, feeling a chill run through him. "How can I not take it personally? Why? Why are you moving out?"
"Because I can't take this shit with Roger anymore!" she cried out suddenly. "He always comes home at some Godforsaken hour, waking everyone in the loft up..."
"It's just you and me, Maureen..."
"And he scares me now, Mark. Last week was the last straw for me. I have to get out of here. And if you're smart, you'd move out too!"
"Maureen, we have to help him, not run away from him!" Mark cried back.
"Mark, last week he came home at five o'clock in the morning and almost broke this goddamn table!" she yelled, standing up. "He threw himself on it just because April asked him to be quiet! The week before that little incident, he kicked the door off of its hinges because he couldn't find the key! How can you stay here with him? How can you put up with his shit? How can you expect me to?"
"Because he's your friend!" Mark screamed out, surprising himself. "And he's my bestfriend!"
Maureen's mouth shut and she glared at him. "Of course, he's my friend, Mark. But I have my limits. I don't feel safe living here anymore."
Mark drew his arms around himself and shivered. All the warmth had disappeared from his body and he felt numbed. He knew that what Maureen was saying was true. Roger had been using regularly for a month and it was hell for Mark.
It was hell for everyone.
"We have to help him, Maureen." Mark said quietly. He slumped down in his seat as she loomed over him. "We can't just abandon him."
Maureen kneeled down before him and touched his knee tenderly. "Pookie, he needs more help than you can give him. Think about yourself for once. You always put Roger before yourself. This time, you can't carry his problems on your shoulders. He is beyond your help."
Mark shook his head. "That's not true." he said. "I can reach him. I did it once. I can do it again."
"Roger has April now, Mark. Let her take care of him."
"April can't do it by herself."
"Then let her take him to rehab or something!" Maureen said, exasperated. She pushed herself away from him and shook her head. "Let her worry about Roger from now on. Just get out of here before Roger does something to you."
"You want me to leave the loft." Mark said dully. "And where would I go, Maureen? I know you don't want me to move in with you, right?"
Maureen lowered her eyes and said nothing.
"Don't use Roger as an excuse for moving out. You can't just find an apartment and move into it within a week." Mark said. He frowned at her. "You've been planning this for a long time, haven't you, Maureen?"
She brought her eyes back up to his. "Mark, I need my space." she said quietly. "And this thing with Roger... I may have been planning to move out for awhile now but I'm not using Roger as an excuse. He truly frightens me."
She gave a theatrical shiver and Mark sighed heavily. Maureen saw the look of resignation on his face and she put her hands over his, warming them.
"You know I care for Roger. I just can't handle it anymore."
"Okay."
"I love you, Pookie."
Mark stayed silent. He couldn't say the words back to her as he had a hundred times before.
Maureen waited for him to say something and Mark turned his eyes away from her glare.
"Fine, be like that, Mark." she snapped. She pushed away his hands and stood up. "But you know I'm right, Mark. You can't help him. He's too far gone to be helped just by you. Take care of yourself. Let April find some way to take care of him."
Mark lifted his eyes to her and felt a rush of anger run through him. "But who's going to take care of April?"
Maureen opened her mouth to say something and then snapped it shut. She stared at him with a strange glimmer in her eye.
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that coming from my boyfriend's mouth." she said quietly. She buttoned up her jacket and walked towards the door. Mark watched her as she opened the door.
"Where are you going?" he asked suddenly.
"Don't worry about it, Mark."
"Let me guess. Out for a night of general merriment? A fun night of inebriation? A night of fucking someone who isn't me?"
Maureen stomped over to Mark and before he could react, her hand flew across his face.
She had slapped him.
Mark's head snapped to the side and his eyes burned with tears. He rubbed his face and whimpered.
"Fuck you, Mark." Maureen said in a low voice. "That was low."
Mark looked back at her and glared through his tears. "I know you're cheating on me, Maureen. I know. Pookie."
"Do you want to end this?!" she screamed at him. "Do you want us to be over? Is that what you want, Mark? Because if it is..."
"No." Mark said softly. He closed his eyes and lowered his head, sobbing. "You're the only one I have left, Maureen. The only one. I'm sorry. Sorry.. please don't leave me. Please..."
I'm losing Roger.
I'm losing April.
I love her.
I love April.
Mark sobbed at the thought and let Maureen touch his face. He let her kiss his cheeks and run her fingers through his hair. He felt like clay in her hands as she slid her hands up, beneath his sweater. He kissed her back with shut eyes, pretending and dreaming, as she moved her hands over his body. Maureen knew what she doing. She knew Mark's body and how he responded to her touch. Mark let her stroke him, caress him and he moaned softly as she pressed herself against him.
April.
It was April who was touching him. It was April who took his glasses off and put them on the table. Who was whispering in his ear.
"Mark, we're okay." Maureen whispered. "We'll work things out. We'll still be together even if I move out. We'll be okay."
Mark kept his eyes shut and nodded. He felt her hands move down...
No.
He pushed himself away and the screech of the chair against the floor broke the heated silence of the loft. Maureen stared at him, open mouthed. He had never refused her before.
Never once.
"Not right now." he said breathlessly. "Not like this."
They stared at each other, both of them not knowing what to do.
Suddenly, the front door opened and April walked in. Maureen stood up, hastily brushing imaginary lint from her pants.
"Well, Mark, I'll be going." Maureen said shortly. April looked over at them and took a step back.
"I'm sorry." she said. "Did I interrupt you guys? I'll just go..."
"No, it's okay, April." Maureen said, tossing her hair back. She smiled at April sweetly and walked past her to the door. Mark was amazed at how quickly she had composed herself. "I was just leaving anyway."
April nodded and walked to the kitchen, turning her back on them. Mark knew she was trying to make herself as inconspicuous as possible. He stood up and shoved his glasses back on, walking towards Maureen.
"Maureen, I'm sorry." he said weakly and she shrugged.
"It's okay, Mark." she said. She reached up and ran a finger down his cheek. "Like I said, we'll be okay, Pookie."
He saw a glimmer of compassion in her eyes as she looked at him.
Maureen did love him, Mark knew that.
But he knew that she didn't know how to love him.
He knew that she didn't really know him at all.
He leaned his forehead against the door when she closed it.
Shit, he thought.
What am I doing?
Why did I push her away?
He closed his eyes.
Because I know she isn't the one I want.
For the first time in his life, Mark knew exactly what he wanted.
But he knew he couldn't have it.
Her.
Mark felt her cold hand on his cheek and he opened his eyes.
"What happened to your face, Mark?"
He stood up straight and faced her.
"I, uh, I... fell." he said.
April blinked, staring at him. She still wore her bookstore uniform and Mark noticed that it hung loosely on her now. Her apron strings were tied twice around her waist. Her face was tired and worn and her brown eyes were darkened by shadows. Her once lively, pretty hair now seemed limp and dry.
She looked old.
"You fell." she said quietly. "Okay, Mark. Sure."
"You don't have to believe me."
"I want to." she said. She drew her hand back and Mark felt a dull ache in his chest as she moved away. "Are you hungry, Mark? I mean, we're running a little low on food but I could still make something."
"No. Are you?" he asked. He didn't feel like eating.
She shook her head and sat down on a chair. Mark followed her, dragging the other chair next to her.
"Is Roger home?" she asked, twirling a strand of hair with her finger. It was a nervous habit she had. Mark knew that.
"No. He hasn't come home yet." Mark said. "He left around two hours ago. Maybe three."
"It's getting dark outside." April muttered, more to herself than to him. "He should be home soon. He has a gig tonight."
"Oh." Mark tapped his fingers on the table. "April, I've been meaning to ask you..."
"So how's your film going?" she asked suddenly.
Mark paused. "Uh, it's fine. Aside from a little writer's block, it's okay."
"Really? How far along are you now?"
He sighed. It was no use lying. "Okay, maybe it's not as okay as it should be." he muttered. "I just have other things on my mind right now. For example, you and..."
"You know what, Mark?"
"What?"
"I think you should film without a script for once." she said. Her brown eyes suddenly came to life as she leaned forward and smiled at him. "You know, like how you filmed when we used to go on our walks? Instead of trying to write order into the world, just film it as it is."
"And where did these words of wisdom come from?" he asked, smiling back.
She shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. I just thought of it while I was at work." she said. "You know, gotta keep the mind busy."
"Right." Mark said. "Listen, April, we need to talk abo.."
"Mark, I'm tired." she said, leaning back. "Really tired. I know what you want to talk about and I just can't... not right now. Please?"
Mark sighed and nodded. "Okay, but tomorrow...."
"Tomorrow, I start at noon. I have some time in the morning."
"Okay, April."
"I think I'm going to lay down for a minute." April said. Her brown eyes grew dull again as she stood up. "It's been a long day...."
She stood up and swayed.
Mark caught her before she hit the floor.
"Jesus Christ, April." Mark swore as he helped her back to her chair. "Are you okay? April?"
She leaned forward on the table and placed her head in her arms.
"I'm tired." she said. Her voice sounded muffled.
"Have you eaten at all today?" Mark asked, not wanting to take his arm away from her. She seemed to have trouble staying on her chair.
"I wasn't hungry." she mumbled. She closed her eyes and Mark shook her before she could fall asleep.
"Okay, I'm taking you to bed." he said. He started to pull her up but she waved him away.
"No, I don't want to go to Roger's room." she said. She propped herself up with her hands on the table and looked at him.
She attempted to smile but the effort was wasted.
"I'm just exhausted, Mark." she said. "There were almost a hundred customers per hour today and we were understaffed. I didn't have time to eat. Believe me."
"I want to." he said, echoing her earlier words. She looked away and rubbed her eyes.
"You have to lay down, at least." Mark said. She turned back to him with her red rimmed eyes. "You can crash on my bed."
April stared at Mark long enough to make him blush and lower his eyes.
"I mean, you know...just to take a nap." he muttered.
"I know, Mark." she said. "Okay."
He helped her to her feet and when he was sure she was able to walk by herself, Mark skipped ahead of her and opened his door.
"It's a little messy." he said, blushing again as she walked inside. Mark's room was sparse. A large bed, a lamp, and a desk were the only items of furniture he had in his room. Some of Maureen's clothes were piled up on the desk but otherwise, his room looked as if it had been abandoned.
April laid down on his bed and brought her knees up to her chest.
"I hope Maureen won't mind." she said. She closed her eyes and yawned.
Mark sat down on the edge of his bed and looked down. "She won't mind." he said softly. "April, Maureen's moving out."
"Wake me up when Roger gets back." she muttered, not hearing Mark's words.
"Okay."
Mark watched her, waiting for her to say something else but soon he realized she had already fallen asleep. He stood up and unfolded the blanket at her feet. With swift, gentle movements, he covered her with the soft material and stepped back.
April's hands were clenched into tight fists and her lips were pressed into a small grimace. It was obvious to him that she didn't sleep peacefully.
He turned around and closed the door behind him.
The next morning, Mark waited for April to wake up.
He waited until the late afternoon sun filled the loft before he stood up and knocked lightly on Roger's door.
He pressed his ear against it and closed his eyes.
"Damn." he muttered.
He opened the door and sighed heavily.
The room was empty.