A/N: Okay, I'm going against what I've usually been doing in this story and jump out of Mark's pov for a scene. Trash me, hate me, flame me, whatever. I just got dumped so nothing can really inflict any more pain in me. Bitter, much? Yes, I am. Indeed.
Warning: This is a monster of a chapter.
Chapter 11- Good Intentions
Mark leaned against the couch and stared into space.
He was beyond tired, beyond weary. His body felt heavy and weighed down and he could barely keep his head up.
He had told Collins everything.
Every last detail of the events the night before. He talked until his mouth was dry, until he felt as if the stitches in his mouth were going to snap open.
Collins had winced when Mark had lifted up his shirt and shown him his wounds.
The only time Mark stopped talking was when April walked out of the bathroom.
She had flashed them both an embarrassed grin as she hurried to the bedroom, clad only in a towel, her long hair still dripping wet.
Mark had stared after her and then continued on in a softer voice.
Finally, he was done and now both men sat in silence.
If lying weighs you down, Mark thought, I must weigh a ton.
He laughed out loud at the idea.
Collins frowned.
He sat on the other chair in the livingroom and he glanced up when he heard Mark's humorless laugh.
"Mark, are you okay?" he asked.
Mark's head lolled to the side and he looked at Collins.
"No, I am not okay." he said quietly. "After today, I will never be okay."
"That's not true."
"It's not?" Mark asked bitterly. He lifted his head with some effort and sat up.
"I lied to her, Collins." he hissed in a whisper. He glanced at the bedroom door warily before speaking again. "She thinks I saved Roger. I haven't done shit. I let him go. I didn't even run after him. I just watched him go."
"You were hurt. You were in no condition to run after him."
"So what?" Mark muttered. His shoulders drooped and he looked down at the floor. "I let her down. I let both of them down."
"Mark, you have to tell her the truth..."
Mark's head jerked up and his eyes widened at the thought.
"She'll hate me!"
"She won't." Collins said smoothly.
"She will!" Mark cried out. He instantly covered his mouth and glanced back at the door.
When he was sure April wasn't going to walk out he turned back to Collins.
"She loves him." he said miserably. "All she wants is Roger. When all is said and done, I don't matter as much to her as he does. Look how happy she is now, Collins. She thinks I fixed everything. I've only made things worse. If she finds out I lied to her... she'll hate me. And then she'll go out and find Roger herself. And she'll find him or die trying."
Collins said nothing and Mark took it to mean that he agreed. He took off his glasses and covered his face with his hands.
"You have to tell her, Mark." Collins said kindly. "Don't you think she deserves the truth?"
Mark looked up and stared at Collins.
"I think she deserves to be happy." Mark replied.
"It's not right, Mark. For her to be happy like this, in this way. It isn't right. What do you think is going to happen when she finds out that Roger isn't in rehab? How do you think she's going to feel when she's walking down the street one day and runs into Roger, all strung out? You can't keep her in here forever."
Mark lowered his eyes again.
"She won't have to find out." he muttered. "Not if I find him first. All I have to do is find him, Collins...."
"Be realistic here. Have you looked in a mirror lately? You look like you're about to collapse at any moment, Mark. And I know you're not all here mentally. How long has it been since you've gotten a good night's sleep? And aside from breakfast, when was the last time you sat down and ate a real meal? One that didn't have the word 'instant' printed on it's container?"
Mark shrugged and said nothing.
He knew Collins was right.
If he went out again, he would drop like a lead balloon on the street.
And Mark didn't want to go outside.
He didn't want to be out in the cold again, searching for someone who didn't want to be found. He didn't want to get hurt again and his skin seemed to physically recoil at the mere idea of walking around the city once again.
Most of all, he didn't want to leave April.
He thought about her warm, comforting arms around him. The feel of her soft skin beneath his lips. He looked down at his hands and remembered the way her hair had felt between his fingers and on his face.
How could he leave again knowing she was here?
How could I lie to her? Mark thought and his hands curled up into fists.
But how I could not?
How could I think about her like this?
Roger.
Roger.
She was Roger's.
( "Tell her anything, any excuse. But tell her I love her...." )
His thoughts whirled around and grew to a hysterical pitch in his mind.
Mark felt the contents of his stomach rise up in revolt and he jumped to his feet and ran towards the bathroom, ignoring Collins' cries of surprise.
He barely made it.
Mark shoved the toilet seat cover up and aimed down. The breakfast he had consumed flew out of his mouth and Mark closed his eyes as he brought up everything he had eaten. He gripped the sides of the toilet to keep from falling down and he vaguely heard Collins and April rushing to the bathroom.
"What happened?!"
"I don't know. He just got up and...."
"Should we call the....."
"I think we should...."
"Maybe...."
"But......"
"I'll...."
Mark's stomach was finally empty but that didn't stop his body from gagging. His throat burned and his eyes stung with tears. He felt himself falling back and realized that someone was pulling him backwards. He was being held tightly, being kept in a sitting position and he slumped against the body next to him weakly.
He heard the toilet flush.
Someone wiped his face with a warm, wet towel and then he felt something cold being pressed to his mouth.
"It's water, Mark. Drink it. It's just water."
He parted his lips and felt the cool, tasteless liquid clear a path down his throat. He drank thirstily until the cup was pulled away.
He opened his eyes.
April looked down at him, her face pinched with worry. When she saw that he was blinking up at her, she smiled with relief and looked behind her.
"I think he'll be okay." April said. Collins' face loomed above them and Mark struggled to sit up on his own.
April's arm fell down to her side and Mark realized that she was the one who had pulled him back. She had been holding him upright the whole time.
Mark pulled himself away from her and leaned against the wall. He looked up at Collins.
"Mark, are you...?" Collins said, not having to finish his question.
Mark nodded quickly and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
"I just... I-I think I j-just ate too much. T-Too fast." he stammered.
Mark glanced up at Collins again and looked at him meaningfully.
Collins shook his head sadly.
"I guess you're alright here." Collins said, putting a hand on April's shoulder. She looked up at him and smiled, nodding.
Collins walked out of the bathroom and April lowered her head and looked at Mark.
"Are you really okay?" she asked quietly.
The almost hysteric happiness was gone and it left her pale and watchful. Her brown eyes were perfectly round and they looked at Mark with a trace of fear.
He realized that she was still worried he was sick and he sat up, trying to make himself look better.
"Yeah. I just ate too much." he said. "I haven't eaten in so long... I guess I just... ate too much."
She smiled slightly.
"Thanks, Mark." she said. "That really says a lot about my cooking."
Mark felt too tired to smile. His mouth felt sour and his head felt light. He struggled to stand up and April had to help him get to his feet.
"Hey, careful." she muttered as he slumped against her.
"I want to... brush my teeth or something." he said, turning his head away. "My mouth feels like shit."
She nodded and pulled him to the sink. He leaned against it and grabbed his toothbrush and the toothpaste bottle.
April watched him carefully, frightened.
"Mark, you really, really scared me." she said quietly.
Mark looked at her and then stuck his toothbrush in his mouth so that he wouldn't have to respond to her.
"I mean, shouldn't we all be happy now?" she asked. Her eyes looked at him innocently and a small smile flitted across her lips. "Roger's going to get better and it's all thanks to you. We should be celebrating."
He avoided her eyes as he spit into the sink.
"But I know you're tired, Mark." she said softly. "We all are. Especially you. You should get some rest now. Take a nap or something. I'm going to go out for a few hours and..."
( "How do you think she's going to feel when she's walking down the street one day and runs into Roger, all strung out?" )
He rinsed his mouth quickly and shook his head.
"No, you can't go out."
April stared at him.
"Uh.. why not, Mark?"
"Because..." He realized that he had no reason to give her. "Because you... you need to rest, too. I mean, you're tired too."
She smiled.
"I slept last night, silly." she teased. "You barely got any sleep. Besides I need to stop by the loft."
She pulled at the sweater she wore- another one of Mark's.
"I want to change, you know. Not that I have anything against wearing your clothes but I think you're about to run out of tops."
Mark shook his head, not smiling.
"You can't go." he muttered. "Please, April."
She frowned.
"Why not?"
Mark's shoulders drooped. He lowered his eyes, afraid to look at her.
"Because... don't leave me, April. Please." he whispered. "I just.. I don't want to be alone right now."
And it was the truth. Mark wasn't lying to her- he didn't want to be alone. Or rather, he didn't want to be without her. He felt her hand slip over his hand and he looked up.
She was gazing at him kindly and Mark caught the flicker of pity in her eyes.
He hated it instantly; hated the look she was giving him, the way her head tilted to the side as she looked at him.
But he knew it was the only way she would stay in the apartment.
God, she feels sorry for me, Mark thought bitterly.
Poor pathetic little Mark, always alone, always needing someone around.
Better she feel sorry for me than hate me.
"Okay, Mark." she said, nodding. "I'll stay home today. But I really need to pick up some stuff from the loft tomorrow."
He nodded, not really hearing her anymore.
He was just glad that she wasn't going out.
April blinked up at the ceiling.
It had been an hour since Mark went to bed and she had laid there for nearly that long, waiting for his breathing to grow deep. Somehow, his arms had found their way to her and had wrapped themselves around her waist.
When she was finally sure that Mark was unconscious, she gently lifted Mark's arm off of her and slid out of the bed, moving carefully so that she wouldn't wake him. She glanced down at him briefly, at his pale, drawn face and frowned.
I'm sorry, she thought sadly.
You've done so much for me, Mark and I...
She lowered her head and shivered, turning away from him.
As quietly as she could, she picked up her bag from the corner of the bedroom and opened the door, closing it behind her.
She glanced around the livingroom, making sure that Collins wasn't there and then walked to the bathroom.
She kneeled down on the floor. Her bag clunked heavily to the ground as she set it down and she opened the lid of the toilet, looking down into its deep blue water. She opened her bag and began to pull out small dark orange perscription bottles, one by one, until nearly a dozen of them surrounded her.
They look like little people around me, she thought.
Like I'm some kind of giant.
Fi Fie Fo Fum...
She almost smiled and then stopped herself
There was nothing amusing in what she was about to do.
With shaking hands, she took one and popped off the lid. Little white pills stared up at her blindly and she quickly flicked her wrist, tossing them down the toilet.
When the bottle was empty, she put it aside and picked up another one.
Her hands began to shake even harder as she reached forward and flushed the toilet.
She watched, transfixed, as the white pills made their way around and around the porcelain surface, finally disappearing into the abyss.
"Two down, eight to go." she muttered.
"April."
She gasped loudly and jumped up, slamming her body against the hard, cold surface of the bathroom wall.
Collins stood at the doorway, his warm dark eyes wide with surprise.
April winced.
"Jesus Christ, Collins, you scared me!" she cried out. His eyes moved down to the bottles on the floor and he bent down to grab one.
"No!"
April moved as quickly as she could to stop him but he had already taken one and was holding it in his hand.
She stared at the floor, unable to raise her head.
"Azidothymidine." he said in a shocked whisper. "AZT."
April's eyes filled with tears and she closed them, nodding her head weakly. She sat up and covered her face, not wanting to look into Collins' eyes.
Collins walked inside the bathroom and closed it behind him.
She fought back her tears.
Collins sat down across from her and put his hand on her shoulder.
"April, look at me. Don't be afraid." he said softly.
With effort, she forced her body to lower her hands and she looked up at him.
"Do you have AIDS?" he asked quietly.
She opened her mouth and then stopped.
Her heart pounded in her chest and her lungs seemed to constrict, making it hard for her to draw in a deep breath.
God, I can't lie to him, he knows what it is, she thought.
Oh God, oh God, oh God...
She shook her head and closed her eyes, trying to stop the wave of pain that had crept around her heart. She felt beyond tired, beyond weak from carrying the secret around for so long. There had been too many ups and downs, too many hopes and dreams that had been shattered for her to carry it alone anymore.
She wanted to tell him- really, really wanted to tell him the truth but something inside of her wanted to scream out in denial.
She felt that if she kept to herself, it would go away.
To hear it out loud, spoken in words would make it real.
Would make death real.
"April, do you have AIDS?" Collins asked, a little more strongly.
"No." she said in a whisper. She opened her eyes and forced herself to look him directly in his eyes.
"It's not mine. I was just... I..."
Collins exhaled loudly and slumped against the wall. He stared at the bottle in his hand and slowly shook his head. He suddenly looked years older to April, even older than he already was.
"You and Mark." he said quietly. "You and Mark have a lot to talk about. I mean that. You both think that lying will make things better. It doesn't. Lying only serves to cover the truth for only a short time and while it does, the pain caused by each lie only gets worse."
"I'm not lying, Collins. Really." April forced the words out of her mouth and the lie gushed out of her like a river.
"One of Roger's friends stashed his meds in my bag and I'm just getting rid of them because I don't want to carry them around any more and I know I'll never see his friend again and so..."
"You really think I'm going to believe that?"
April winced and then closed her mouth.
"How long have you known?" he asked.
The tears she had fought finally slipped out and they fell down her cheeks silently.
"Since... since December." she said. She uttered a small cry and Collins reached out and pulled her against him. She pressed her face into his shirt and cried. "I-It's been t-two months."
"You haven't told anyone, have you?" he said softly. "You've been carrying it around all by yourself for two months. That must have been hard."
She shook her head violently and sobbed. His hand rubbed her back soothingly and she found comfort in the slow rhythm of it.
"I don't even know how alone you must have felt." he said. "All this time. You should have told someone. Mark."
"He can't know." she said, alarmed. She pushed herself back and stared at him with wide eyes. "You can't tell him. You can't!"
"Why not? Collins asked. "There's something about Mark that you should know, April..."
"Because if he knew, then he'd try to help me too." she said. Her face fell again and she lowered her head, trying to fight the next wave of tears. "And Roger needs all the help Mark can give right now. I can take care of myself. Roger can't. He can't control himself."
"You got it from Roger."
She choked back a sob and nodded.
"Who else would I have gotten it from?" she said, bitterly. She squeezed her eyes shut and pushed the tears back.
"But it's okay now. I mean, Roger's going to be okay. After he gets through rehab, we can deal with this. He'll get checked and then he'll get help. After...."
"Roger isn't in rehab, April."
Her heart lept into her throat and lodged itself there.
April looked up at him sharply, confused.
He could have been speaking Japanese to her for all she knew.
What he was saying made no sense.
"What?" she asked. She sat up and pushed herself against the wall, as far away from him as she could.
He looked at her with a mixture of deep sadness and hesitating fear.
"Mark... " Collins shook his head. "Mark thought it would be best to tell you that Roger was in rehab. He thought that it was the only way to ease your mind and to stop you from going out and looking for him again."
April stared at him, numb.
Roger was still out there.
Not safe.
Sick.
Addicted.
Not safe.
"He wanted to protect you, April. Not hurt you." Collins said.
April opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out.
"April, Mark loves you very much. Very deeply. I don't think you understand how deeply..."
"He left Roger out there." she said dully. "Roger is still.. he's stll..."
"April, are you listening to me?" Collins said. He reached for her arm and she jerked away.
"April, Mark didn't want to hurt you. This whole time has been to keep you from hurting, in fact, all Mark wants is for you to be happy. April, Mark is in...."
"Oh God, oh God..." April started to shake uncontrollably and she lowered her head into her arms. "Oh God, Roger, Roger!"
She wept bitterly and each tear burned a trail down her skin like acid.
"It's not over, it's not over. It will never be over and I'm living a nightmare!" she wailed. "I can't do this anymore! I can't deal with this anymore! I can't live like this anymore! It has to stop...."
She felt Collins wrap his arms around her and pull her against him again. She felt like a baby in his large arms and he rocked her gently, side to side.
But she kept crying.
She was so tired and she kept crying because she didn't think she could stop. She just hurt so badly.
Mark had lied to her!
She had trusted in Mark and he had lied to her!
But she couldn't be mad at him, not really.
After all, this was her fault, her mess.
She could have tried harder to make Roger stop, she should have put her foot down the first time instead of letting him continue to self-destruct.
She should have....
"No, it's not your fault, April." Collins said.
He stroked her hair and she realized with a start that she had been speaking her thoughts out loud.
"How do you know?" she moaned. Her throat was tight and sore and though her eyes were swollen and painful, tears continued to leak out.
"I just do." he said simply.
Her chest hitched and he rubbed her back, helping her take a deep breath.
"What am I going to do?" she asked. She raised her eyes and looked at him. "I have to find him, Collins. I can't just leave him out there. The way he is.. he'll get himself killed."
"Let me worry about that from now on, April." he said firmly. "You have someone else to deal with now. Mark."
She looked at him, not saying anything.
"You have to tell him." Collins said patiently.
"I can't." she said miserably.
"Why not?"
"Because..." She sat up and wiped her face with the back of her hand. Then she covered her eyes with her hand.
"Because Mark.. he might...he might think I'm dirty or..."
"April, you know I have AIDS, right?" Collins asked.
She nodded her head slowly, refusing to look up.
"Does Mark think any less of me because I do? Have you ever heard him say that I'm dirty because I have AIDS?"
She shook her head.
"Does he treat me differently?"
"No."
"What makes you think he would think of you any differently if he knew?" Collins asked.
His large, dark brown hand gently took her hand away from her eyes and then tilted her head up by her chin.
"April, Mark loves you."
She sniffed.
"I love him too."
Collins smiled at her.
"No, April. I don't think you're catching my drift at all." he said, not unkindly.
"Mark is in love with you."
***A/N: I just read Sandy's newest chapter ( The Sum of Any Outcome ) and oops! I didn't mean to copy your plot. I just read it right now (after typing up this chapter.) Okay, so Collins knows about April in both stories. Sorry!
Warning: This is a monster of a chapter.
Chapter 11- Good Intentions
Mark leaned against the couch and stared into space.
He was beyond tired, beyond weary. His body felt heavy and weighed down and he could barely keep his head up.
He had told Collins everything.
Every last detail of the events the night before. He talked until his mouth was dry, until he felt as if the stitches in his mouth were going to snap open.
Collins had winced when Mark had lifted up his shirt and shown him his wounds.
The only time Mark stopped talking was when April walked out of the bathroom.
She had flashed them both an embarrassed grin as she hurried to the bedroom, clad only in a towel, her long hair still dripping wet.
Mark had stared after her and then continued on in a softer voice.
Finally, he was done and now both men sat in silence.
If lying weighs you down, Mark thought, I must weigh a ton.
He laughed out loud at the idea.
Collins frowned.
He sat on the other chair in the livingroom and he glanced up when he heard Mark's humorless laugh.
"Mark, are you okay?" he asked.
Mark's head lolled to the side and he looked at Collins.
"No, I am not okay." he said quietly. "After today, I will never be okay."
"That's not true."
"It's not?" Mark asked bitterly. He lifted his head with some effort and sat up.
"I lied to her, Collins." he hissed in a whisper. He glanced at the bedroom door warily before speaking again. "She thinks I saved Roger. I haven't done shit. I let him go. I didn't even run after him. I just watched him go."
"You were hurt. You were in no condition to run after him."
"So what?" Mark muttered. His shoulders drooped and he looked down at the floor. "I let her down. I let both of them down."
"Mark, you have to tell her the truth..."
Mark's head jerked up and his eyes widened at the thought.
"She'll hate me!"
"She won't." Collins said smoothly.
"She will!" Mark cried out. He instantly covered his mouth and glanced back at the door.
When he was sure April wasn't going to walk out he turned back to Collins.
"She loves him." he said miserably. "All she wants is Roger. When all is said and done, I don't matter as much to her as he does. Look how happy she is now, Collins. She thinks I fixed everything. I've only made things worse. If she finds out I lied to her... she'll hate me. And then she'll go out and find Roger herself. And she'll find him or die trying."
Collins said nothing and Mark took it to mean that he agreed. He took off his glasses and covered his face with his hands.
"You have to tell her, Mark." Collins said kindly. "Don't you think she deserves the truth?"
Mark looked up and stared at Collins.
"I think she deserves to be happy." Mark replied.
"It's not right, Mark. For her to be happy like this, in this way. It isn't right. What do you think is going to happen when she finds out that Roger isn't in rehab? How do you think she's going to feel when she's walking down the street one day and runs into Roger, all strung out? You can't keep her in here forever."
Mark lowered his eyes again.
"She won't have to find out." he muttered. "Not if I find him first. All I have to do is find him, Collins...."
"Be realistic here. Have you looked in a mirror lately? You look like you're about to collapse at any moment, Mark. And I know you're not all here mentally. How long has it been since you've gotten a good night's sleep? And aside from breakfast, when was the last time you sat down and ate a real meal? One that didn't have the word 'instant' printed on it's container?"
Mark shrugged and said nothing.
He knew Collins was right.
If he went out again, he would drop like a lead balloon on the street.
And Mark didn't want to go outside.
He didn't want to be out in the cold again, searching for someone who didn't want to be found. He didn't want to get hurt again and his skin seemed to physically recoil at the mere idea of walking around the city once again.
Most of all, he didn't want to leave April.
He thought about her warm, comforting arms around him. The feel of her soft skin beneath his lips. He looked down at his hands and remembered the way her hair had felt between his fingers and on his face.
How could he leave again knowing she was here?
How could I lie to her? Mark thought and his hands curled up into fists.
But how I could not?
How could I think about her like this?
Roger.
Roger.
She was Roger's.
( "Tell her anything, any excuse. But tell her I love her...." )
His thoughts whirled around and grew to a hysterical pitch in his mind.
Mark felt the contents of his stomach rise up in revolt and he jumped to his feet and ran towards the bathroom, ignoring Collins' cries of surprise.
He barely made it.
Mark shoved the toilet seat cover up and aimed down. The breakfast he had consumed flew out of his mouth and Mark closed his eyes as he brought up everything he had eaten. He gripped the sides of the toilet to keep from falling down and he vaguely heard Collins and April rushing to the bathroom.
"What happened?!"
"I don't know. He just got up and...."
"Should we call the....."
"I think we should...."
"Maybe...."
"But......"
"I'll...."
Mark's stomach was finally empty but that didn't stop his body from gagging. His throat burned and his eyes stung with tears. He felt himself falling back and realized that someone was pulling him backwards. He was being held tightly, being kept in a sitting position and he slumped against the body next to him weakly.
He heard the toilet flush.
Someone wiped his face with a warm, wet towel and then he felt something cold being pressed to his mouth.
"It's water, Mark. Drink it. It's just water."
He parted his lips and felt the cool, tasteless liquid clear a path down his throat. He drank thirstily until the cup was pulled away.
He opened his eyes.
April looked down at him, her face pinched with worry. When she saw that he was blinking up at her, she smiled with relief and looked behind her.
"I think he'll be okay." April said. Collins' face loomed above them and Mark struggled to sit up on his own.
April's arm fell down to her side and Mark realized that she was the one who had pulled him back. She had been holding him upright the whole time.
Mark pulled himself away from her and leaned against the wall. He looked up at Collins.
"Mark, are you...?" Collins said, not having to finish his question.
Mark nodded quickly and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
"I just... I-I think I j-just ate too much. T-Too fast." he stammered.
Mark glanced up at Collins again and looked at him meaningfully.
Collins shook his head sadly.
"I guess you're alright here." Collins said, putting a hand on April's shoulder. She looked up at him and smiled, nodding.
Collins walked out of the bathroom and April lowered her head and looked at Mark.
"Are you really okay?" she asked quietly.
The almost hysteric happiness was gone and it left her pale and watchful. Her brown eyes were perfectly round and they looked at Mark with a trace of fear.
He realized that she was still worried he was sick and he sat up, trying to make himself look better.
"Yeah. I just ate too much." he said. "I haven't eaten in so long... I guess I just... ate too much."
She smiled slightly.
"Thanks, Mark." she said. "That really says a lot about my cooking."
Mark felt too tired to smile. His mouth felt sour and his head felt light. He struggled to stand up and April had to help him get to his feet.
"Hey, careful." she muttered as he slumped against her.
"I want to... brush my teeth or something." he said, turning his head away. "My mouth feels like shit."
She nodded and pulled him to the sink. He leaned against it and grabbed his toothbrush and the toothpaste bottle.
April watched him carefully, frightened.
"Mark, you really, really scared me." she said quietly.
Mark looked at her and then stuck his toothbrush in his mouth so that he wouldn't have to respond to her.
"I mean, shouldn't we all be happy now?" she asked. Her eyes looked at him innocently and a small smile flitted across her lips. "Roger's going to get better and it's all thanks to you. We should be celebrating."
He avoided her eyes as he spit into the sink.
"But I know you're tired, Mark." she said softly. "We all are. Especially you. You should get some rest now. Take a nap or something. I'm going to go out for a few hours and..."
( "How do you think she's going to feel when she's walking down the street one day and runs into Roger, all strung out?" )
He rinsed his mouth quickly and shook his head.
"No, you can't go out."
April stared at him.
"Uh.. why not, Mark?"
"Because..." He realized that he had no reason to give her. "Because you... you need to rest, too. I mean, you're tired too."
She smiled.
"I slept last night, silly." she teased. "You barely got any sleep. Besides I need to stop by the loft."
She pulled at the sweater she wore- another one of Mark's.
"I want to change, you know. Not that I have anything against wearing your clothes but I think you're about to run out of tops."
Mark shook his head, not smiling.
"You can't go." he muttered. "Please, April."
She frowned.
"Why not?"
Mark's shoulders drooped. He lowered his eyes, afraid to look at her.
"Because... don't leave me, April. Please." he whispered. "I just.. I don't want to be alone right now."
And it was the truth. Mark wasn't lying to her- he didn't want to be alone. Or rather, he didn't want to be without her. He felt her hand slip over his hand and he looked up.
She was gazing at him kindly and Mark caught the flicker of pity in her eyes.
He hated it instantly; hated the look she was giving him, the way her head tilted to the side as she looked at him.
But he knew it was the only way she would stay in the apartment.
God, she feels sorry for me, Mark thought bitterly.
Poor pathetic little Mark, always alone, always needing someone around.
Better she feel sorry for me than hate me.
"Okay, Mark." she said, nodding. "I'll stay home today. But I really need to pick up some stuff from the loft tomorrow."
He nodded, not really hearing her anymore.
He was just glad that she wasn't going out.
April blinked up at the ceiling.
It had been an hour since Mark went to bed and she had laid there for nearly that long, waiting for his breathing to grow deep. Somehow, his arms had found their way to her and had wrapped themselves around her waist.
When she was finally sure that Mark was unconscious, she gently lifted Mark's arm off of her and slid out of the bed, moving carefully so that she wouldn't wake him. She glanced down at him briefly, at his pale, drawn face and frowned.
I'm sorry, she thought sadly.
You've done so much for me, Mark and I...
She lowered her head and shivered, turning away from him.
As quietly as she could, she picked up her bag from the corner of the bedroom and opened the door, closing it behind her.
She glanced around the livingroom, making sure that Collins wasn't there and then walked to the bathroom.
She kneeled down on the floor. Her bag clunked heavily to the ground as she set it down and she opened the lid of the toilet, looking down into its deep blue water. She opened her bag and began to pull out small dark orange perscription bottles, one by one, until nearly a dozen of them surrounded her.
They look like little people around me, she thought.
Like I'm some kind of giant.
Fi Fie Fo Fum...
She almost smiled and then stopped herself
There was nothing amusing in what she was about to do.
With shaking hands, she took one and popped off the lid. Little white pills stared up at her blindly and she quickly flicked her wrist, tossing them down the toilet.
When the bottle was empty, she put it aside and picked up another one.
Her hands began to shake even harder as she reached forward and flushed the toilet.
She watched, transfixed, as the white pills made their way around and around the porcelain surface, finally disappearing into the abyss.
"Two down, eight to go." she muttered.
"April."
She gasped loudly and jumped up, slamming her body against the hard, cold surface of the bathroom wall.
Collins stood at the doorway, his warm dark eyes wide with surprise.
April winced.
"Jesus Christ, Collins, you scared me!" she cried out. His eyes moved down to the bottles on the floor and he bent down to grab one.
"No!"
April moved as quickly as she could to stop him but he had already taken one and was holding it in his hand.
She stared at the floor, unable to raise her head.
"Azidothymidine." he said in a shocked whisper. "AZT."
April's eyes filled with tears and she closed them, nodding her head weakly. She sat up and covered her face, not wanting to look into Collins' eyes.
Collins walked inside the bathroom and closed it behind him.
She fought back her tears.
Collins sat down across from her and put his hand on her shoulder.
"April, look at me. Don't be afraid." he said softly.
With effort, she forced her body to lower her hands and she looked up at him.
"Do you have AIDS?" he asked quietly.
She opened her mouth and then stopped.
Her heart pounded in her chest and her lungs seemed to constrict, making it hard for her to draw in a deep breath.
God, I can't lie to him, he knows what it is, she thought.
Oh God, oh God, oh God...
She shook her head and closed her eyes, trying to stop the wave of pain that had crept around her heart. She felt beyond tired, beyond weak from carrying the secret around for so long. There had been too many ups and downs, too many hopes and dreams that had been shattered for her to carry it alone anymore.
She wanted to tell him- really, really wanted to tell him the truth but something inside of her wanted to scream out in denial.
She felt that if she kept to herself, it would go away.
To hear it out loud, spoken in words would make it real.
Would make death real.
"April, do you have AIDS?" Collins asked, a little more strongly.
"No." she said in a whisper. She opened her eyes and forced herself to look him directly in his eyes.
"It's not mine. I was just... I..."
Collins exhaled loudly and slumped against the wall. He stared at the bottle in his hand and slowly shook his head. He suddenly looked years older to April, even older than he already was.
"You and Mark." he said quietly. "You and Mark have a lot to talk about. I mean that. You both think that lying will make things better. It doesn't. Lying only serves to cover the truth for only a short time and while it does, the pain caused by each lie only gets worse."
"I'm not lying, Collins. Really." April forced the words out of her mouth and the lie gushed out of her like a river.
"One of Roger's friends stashed his meds in my bag and I'm just getting rid of them because I don't want to carry them around any more and I know I'll never see his friend again and so..."
"You really think I'm going to believe that?"
April winced and then closed her mouth.
"How long have you known?" he asked.
The tears she had fought finally slipped out and they fell down her cheeks silently.
"Since... since December." she said. She uttered a small cry and Collins reached out and pulled her against him. She pressed her face into his shirt and cried. "I-It's been t-two months."
"You haven't told anyone, have you?" he said softly. "You've been carrying it around all by yourself for two months. That must have been hard."
She shook her head violently and sobbed. His hand rubbed her back soothingly and she found comfort in the slow rhythm of it.
"I don't even know how alone you must have felt." he said. "All this time. You should have told someone. Mark."
"He can't know." she said, alarmed. She pushed herself back and stared at him with wide eyes. "You can't tell him. You can't!"
"Why not? Collins asked. "There's something about Mark that you should know, April..."
"Because if he knew, then he'd try to help me too." she said. Her face fell again and she lowered her head, trying to fight the next wave of tears. "And Roger needs all the help Mark can give right now. I can take care of myself. Roger can't. He can't control himself."
"You got it from Roger."
She choked back a sob and nodded.
"Who else would I have gotten it from?" she said, bitterly. She squeezed her eyes shut and pushed the tears back.
"But it's okay now. I mean, Roger's going to be okay. After he gets through rehab, we can deal with this. He'll get checked and then he'll get help. After...."
"Roger isn't in rehab, April."
Her heart lept into her throat and lodged itself there.
April looked up at him sharply, confused.
He could have been speaking Japanese to her for all she knew.
What he was saying made no sense.
"What?" she asked. She sat up and pushed herself against the wall, as far away from him as she could.
He looked at her with a mixture of deep sadness and hesitating fear.
"Mark... " Collins shook his head. "Mark thought it would be best to tell you that Roger was in rehab. He thought that it was the only way to ease your mind and to stop you from going out and looking for him again."
April stared at him, numb.
Roger was still out there.
Not safe.
Sick.
Addicted.
Not safe.
"He wanted to protect you, April. Not hurt you." Collins said.
April opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out.
"April, Mark loves you very much. Very deeply. I don't think you understand how deeply..."
"He left Roger out there." she said dully. "Roger is still.. he's stll..."
"April, are you listening to me?" Collins said. He reached for her arm and she jerked away.
"April, Mark didn't want to hurt you. This whole time has been to keep you from hurting, in fact, all Mark wants is for you to be happy. April, Mark is in...."
"Oh God, oh God..." April started to shake uncontrollably and she lowered her head into her arms. "Oh God, Roger, Roger!"
She wept bitterly and each tear burned a trail down her skin like acid.
"It's not over, it's not over. It will never be over and I'm living a nightmare!" she wailed. "I can't do this anymore! I can't deal with this anymore! I can't live like this anymore! It has to stop...."
She felt Collins wrap his arms around her and pull her against him again. She felt like a baby in his large arms and he rocked her gently, side to side.
But she kept crying.
She was so tired and she kept crying because she didn't think she could stop. She just hurt so badly.
Mark had lied to her!
She had trusted in Mark and he had lied to her!
But she couldn't be mad at him, not really.
After all, this was her fault, her mess.
She could have tried harder to make Roger stop, she should have put her foot down the first time instead of letting him continue to self-destruct.
She should have....
"No, it's not your fault, April." Collins said.
He stroked her hair and she realized with a start that she had been speaking her thoughts out loud.
"How do you know?" she moaned. Her throat was tight and sore and though her eyes were swollen and painful, tears continued to leak out.
"I just do." he said simply.
Her chest hitched and he rubbed her back, helping her take a deep breath.
"What am I going to do?" she asked. She raised her eyes and looked at him. "I have to find him, Collins. I can't just leave him out there. The way he is.. he'll get himself killed."
"Let me worry about that from now on, April." he said firmly. "You have someone else to deal with now. Mark."
She looked at him, not saying anything.
"You have to tell him." Collins said patiently.
"I can't." she said miserably.
"Why not?"
"Because..." She sat up and wiped her face with the back of her hand. Then she covered her eyes with her hand.
"Because Mark.. he might...he might think I'm dirty or..."
"April, you know I have AIDS, right?" Collins asked.
She nodded her head slowly, refusing to look up.
"Does Mark think any less of me because I do? Have you ever heard him say that I'm dirty because I have AIDS?"
She shook her head.
"Does he treat me differently?"
"No."
"What makes you think he would think of you any differently if he knew?" Collins asked.
His large, dark brown hand gently took her hand away from her eyes and then tilted her head up by her chin.
"April, Mark loves you."
She sniffed.
"I love him too."
Collins smiled at her.
"No, April. I don't think you're catching my drift at all." he said, not unkindly.
"Mark is in love with you."
***A/N: I just read Sandy's newest chapter ( The Sum of Any Outcome ) and oops! I didn't mean to copy your plot. I just read it right now (after typing up this chapter.) Okay, so Collins knows about April in both stories. Sorry!