A/N: About two more chapters and the epilogue and this story is finished. I know this scene is looooooong but hopefully, all you fine and wonderful readers will agree with me that it needed to be lengthy. And what about Roger, you may ask? Hm... what about him? Hah...
Need I remind anyone that this story does not end happily? =( Despite the sappy cuteness of this chapter.....
Chapter 12- Confessions and Half Truths
Mark gasped and sat up.
For a few minutes, he stared at the door across from him, trying to blink away the blurriness of his vision.
When it didn't clear up, Mark felt the first twinges of panic start to worm its way up his stomach. He took a deep breath and tried to work through the fog in his mind.
My glasses, I need my glasses, he thought.
He twisted around on the bed and squinted, looking for his glasses on the bedside table. He reached out for the black blur and slipped on his glasses, sighing with relief when his vision cleared.
He had been blind in his dream, unable to see what was in front of him.
Consumed and surrounded by darkness.
It was terrifying.
Mark looked down at the empty space next to him and then looked around the room. Seeing that he was alone, he scrambled to his feet and walked quickly to the door, pulling it open.
"April?!" Mark said, nearly screaming out her name.
He walked into the livingroom and shuddered with relief.
She was sitting on the couch, with her legs pulled up to her chest, biting her nails. At the sound of his voice, she looked up and smiled slightly.
"Hey, you're awake." she said softly.
Mark walked towards her, shivering. He glanced at the window and frowned.
The sky outside was a darkening shade of blue.
"How long was I out?" he asked.
April gestured for him to sit down across from her and he did.
"A few hours." she said. "Five. Six. Seven."
"Jesus." Mark said, surprised.
"You were tired." April said simply.
She put her hand down and wrapped her arms around her legs, resting her chin on her knees.
"I don't think I've ever slept that long during the day." he said, rubbing his eyes underneath his glasses. "Well, maybe in high school. It's been awhile."
He lowered his hands when she didn't reply and looked at her.
She was looking at him curiously, as if she were studying his face for an exam. It was intense- the expression on her still face, and it made Mark feel uneasy.
He cleared his throat and looked down.
"Um, where's Collins?" he asked. His voice cracked mid-sentence and he winced.
Her stare was unnerving.
"He went to the police station." she said quietly.
"What?" Mark said. His heart began to pound in his chest. "Why would Collins go there?"
"To file a missing person's report." she said.
Mark's mouth went dry.
"W-What?" he stuttered. "F-For who? Why?"
"Roger."
April's eyes bore into him like steel picks.
"He's been missing for two days, Mark. Two days is enough to file a report." she said.
"I know, Mark. I know he's still out there."
Mark couldn't speak.
His heart had stopped and he had no air left to use for words. At that moment, Mark wanted to die. He wanted to crawl into a hole and die. His body went limp and he slumped against the arm of the couch. His eyes began to water and he uttered a strangled cry as he tried to breathe.
April sat up and released her legs.
"Mark, it's okay." she said gently.
But he didn't hear her words.
Mark forced himself to stand up.
His body burned with shame and anguish.
He wanted to run away.
Wanted to turn around and walk out of the apartment and out of her life for good. He had lied to her and now she knew and he was certain that she would tell him she hated him.
He wanted to be gone before she could utter the words.
He took a step forward and suddenly felt April's hand grab his.
"Mark, don't go." she said.
Her fingers held his hand tightly and he looked back at her. She stood up and looked him in his eyes.
"Collins told me... he told me everything." she said. "About Roger and..."
That was when the screaming in his head began- the winding, neverending, horrific sound of his voice screaming out her name filled his mind and then filled the air around him.
He fell to his knees before her feet and cried.
"I'm sorry!" he said, crying uncontrollably. He squeezed his eyes shut. "Oh God, April I'm sorry! Please don't hate me! Don't hate me for what I did! I didn't mean to lie, I swear to God, I didn't mean for this to happen. I was just so tired and his dealer... and it hurt so much... and it was so cold and I was scared that you would be gone... oh God, I'm sorry, April!"
He grabbed her legs and sobbed.
"Don't hate me don't hate me don't hate me..." he moaned. "I'll make it better, April, I swear to you, I'll find him myself and you can be together and be happy. I'm sorry, April, please don't hate me..."
Mark felt her pulling away from him and he shook his head and held on to the material of her pants.
"No, don't leave me." he said, crying. His sobs grew to a hysterical pitch. "I'm sorry! Don't go!"
But she moved away and Mark collapsed to the floor, weeping.
"I know I don't deserve you." he cried. The rough material of the carpet scratched his face. "I don't deserve anything good, I know it. I'm a liar and.. and..."
Mark felt her arms pull him up and then felt himself being pushed against her in a tight embrace.
His face found the curve of her neck and he cried against her hair.
"Mark, shh." she whispered into his ear. "I don't hate you, Mark. How could I hate you?"
"I-I l-lied." he said.
"I don't hate you, Mark. I could never, ever hate you."
Her arms tightened around him and his hands clutched at her sweater.
She rocked him back and forth, rubbing his back until his sobs had subsided into soft whimpers.
He opened his eyes and moved his face slightly, letting her soft hair wipe his tears.
"I'm sorry." he said in a ragged whisper. His chest hitched and his entire body shook. "I'm so sorry."
She pushed him away only a little but he held onto her tightly.
"No." he moaned. "Please."
"I'm not going anywhere, Mark." she said. "I only want to look at you."
He loosened his grip reluctuntly and lowered his eyes. The world was a wet blur to him and he realized that he had dropped his glasses somewhere on the floor.
He didn't bother to look for them. He preferred the blurriness, preferred not being able to see her face as she spoke.
Her fingers were soft and gentle as they wiped his tears away. She brushed his hair away from forehead and he realized that he had been sweating.
He sat up and he felt cool plastic push against his face.
"How many times have I helped you put your glasses back on?" she said.
Mark could hear the smile in her voice.
He pushed his glasses up his nose with one finger and raised his eyes.
April smiled at him- a sweet, simple tilt of her mouth really. He searched for a hint of anger in her eyes and found none.
But.. how could she not hate him?
He couldn't understand it.
"Mark, are you okay?" she asked after awhile. "Do you want some water?"
His throat was dry and painful but he didn't want her to stand up and leave him- even if it was only for a few seconds.
He shook his head and moved shyly back towards her.
April opened her arms to him and he crept up against her, laying his damp, hot cheek against her soft, cool one.
Mark felt safe.
For the first time in a year, he felt safe.
April knew he had lied and she didn't push him away. She wasn't angry at him and she didn't leave him and Mark felt safe in her arms.
"Mark, I, um..." April's voice grew shaky and Mark pulled back slightly, alarmed.
"What's wrong?" he asked, worried.
"I have to tell you something." she whispered.
Her eyes grew shiny and when Mark reached up to touch her face, she shook her head and sniffed.
"You're not the only one who's been lying." she said in a low voice. "The funny thing is, when I tell you... what I'm about to tell you, you might be the one who'll end up hating me. Or at least, not liking me very much. And if you want to leave, I won't stop you. You're free to go, Mark. I want you to understand that. You owe me nothing and I won't ask you for anything."
Mark touched her hand cautiously and when she didn't pull it away, he slipped his hand over hers and squeezed it.
"I don't scare easily." he cracked. "I just cry a lot."
He smiled and then felt uneasy when she didn't smile back. In fact, her face had become pale and the edges of her features seemed tinged in gray.
"April, what is it?" he asked. "It can't be as bad as..."
"Remember when I was sick. Around November? December?" she said, cutting him off.
"Uh huh." Mark said, staring at her.
Her face had gone a deathly shade of white.
"I, um, I went to the clinic and got a blood test to see what was wrong." she said quietly. "Um, it was a specific blood test actually. To see if I had a certain.. a certain thing."
"What was the blood test for?" Mark asked.
April covered her eyes with her hand and completely pulled herself away from him.
He touched her hand and she jerked back violently.
"No, wait." she said, holding out her other hand. "Just.. just wait, Mark. Give me t-time."
Her voice was choked up and thick and he was certain she was crying but when she finally lowered her hand, her eyes were only slightly puffy.
"April?" Mark said gently. "What is it? What was wrong? What..."
"It was a blood test for AIDS." she said quietly.
In a flash, Mark remembered the day he had met with Collins at the Life Cafe. He remembered coming home that afternoon. Remembered the way April had stumbled in, lost and confused. Remembered the expression on her face when he had caught her on camera.
Remembered the small white paper in her bag.
Pos..
Positive, Mark thought.
That was the word, wasn't it?
Positive.
Her test had been positive.
Everything around him seemed to spin at a dizzying speed and the earth beneath him seemed to tremble and shake but only April seemed to stay still.
She stared at her hands with a sick look on her face as if she expected him to say something cruel.
Mark saw her with new eyes.
Here was the girl who had spent the past two months of her life carrying a secret that would have made the strongest man weak.
Here was the girl who had put everyone else before herself, including the person who had probably given her the disease.
And more simply, here was the girl he loved more than anything or anyone else.
She raised her eyes slowly, fearfully and looked at him.
"So now you know." she said in a voice that was barely above a whisper.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Mark asked. "Why didn't you let me help you?"
"I was scared."
Mark said nothing. He was well acquainted with fear of all kinds. He understood.
The fear of not knowing. Of not being accepted.
Of making life's worst horrors real by the simple act of vocalizing them.
Of being alone.
April closed her eyes and a single tear slipped down her cheek.
"I didn't want to tell you until... until things calmed down." she said. "I wanted to find Roger first. So that he could get tested and helped. I was going to tell you afterwards, Mark. I just... I didn't want to add to the problem."
Mark moved forward and touched her face with the tips of his fingers. He wiped the tear away and she opened her eyes and blinked at him.
"It wouldn't have happened that way, April." Mark said. "You should have told me sooner."
"I know."
He cupped her cheek with his hand, letting his fingertips stray against her hair.
"Are you okay?" he asked. "Do you have medication? Which ones are you taking? Do you have enough? Are you sick?"
She smiled wryly and tilted her head into his hand.
"I'm set, Mark." she said. "Don't worry about me."
"I can't help it."
"I know."
"April, you have to get a doctor. Like a... a personal physician as soon as possible. You have to stay healthy, you know..."
"I know."
"Have you told your parents? Your family? Do they know?"
She shook her head. "Not yet, Mark."
"You have to tell them, you have to let them know, April."
"I know."
"So what else do you know?" Mark asked, letting a smile creep over his lips. "You seem to be the amazing all-knowing April today."
April stopped smiling and touched his hand on her face. She kissed his palm and then brought it back down to the floor.
"That's about it." she muttered, lowering her eyes. "I'm done with confessions for the day."
Mark hesitated.
"I'm not." he said, after a short pause. "April, there's something else that you need to know. About me.. and you, I guess."
She looked up.
He took a deep breath to steady himself.
I've never declared my love for anyone before, he thought nervously.
This is what it is right?
A declaration.
An announcement.
Mark almost smiled.
I'm making it sound so much more than it really is, he thought.
Just three little words, really. It's easy to say.
But what happens if she doesn't love me back?
What do I say then?
Mark didn't know but he still had to take that chance.
"April, I, um.." Mark cleared his throat and forced himself to look into her eyes. "Maybe this isn't the right time to tell you but... I think you should know that, um... Well, I... I always knew you were special, April. You were different from every other..."
He stopped and blushed.
"Okay, let me start over." he said. He laughed nervously. "April, I..."
April's face softened and she put her finger over his lips gently, making him stop and stare at her in wonder.
"You don't need to say it, Mark." she said. "I already know. Really."
He reached up and took her hand from his face. He held it tightly in both of his hands and gazed into her eyes.
Suddenly, he wasn't afraid or nervous anymore.
"I love you." he said.
April leaned foward and kissed him.
She crept into the bathroom, looking over her shoulder once before she locked the door behind her.
Mark was in the kitchen, fixing something to eat for the both of them
She put her bag on the floor and pushed the toilet seat up.
She took out the remainder of the pill bottles and without hesitation, poured the contents of each one out into the water.
She flushed the toilet and put each bottle back into her bag.
"April?"
Mark knocked on the door and she looked up, alarmed.
"Are you okay in there?"
April put the toilet cover down and picked her up bag. She opened the faucet and let it run.
"Yeah, Mark, I'm just washing my hands." she said. "I'll be right out."
"I made some soup and sandwiches. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, sounds great."
April stared at the running water and sat down on the toilet seat, shivering.
"Are you sure you're okay, April?"
"I'm great, Mark, really. I'll be right out."
She was only telling half a lie.
Need I remind anyone that this story does not end happily? =( Despite the sappy cuteness of this chapter.....
Chapter 12- Confessions and Half Truths
Mark gasped and sat up.
For a few minutes, he stared at the door across from him, trying to blink away the blurriness of his vision.
When it didn't clear up, Mark felt the first twinges of panic start to worm its way up his stomach. He took a deep breath and tried to work through the fog in his mind.
My glasses, I need my glasses, he thought.
He twisted around on the bed and squinted, looking for his glasses on the bedside table. He reached out for the black blur and slipped on his glasses, sighing with relief when his vision cleared.
He had been blind in his dream, unable to see what was in front of him.
Consumed and surrounded by darkness.
It was terrifying.
Mark looked down at the empty space next to him and then looked around the room. Seeing that he was alone, he scrambled to his feet and walked quickly to the door, pulling it open.
"April?!" Mark said, nearly screaming out her name.
He walked into the livingroom and shuddered with relief.
She was sitting on the couch, with her legs pulled up to her chest, biting her nails. At the sound of his voice, she looked up and smiled slightly.
"Hey, you're awake." she said softly.
Mark walked towards her, shivering. He glanced at the window and frowned.
The sky outside was a darkening shade of blue.
"How long was I out?" he asked.
April gestured for him to sit down across from her and he did.
"A few hours." she said. "Five. Six. Seven."
"Jesus." Mark said, surprised.
"You were tired." April said simply.
She put her hand down and wrapped her arms around her legs, resting her chin on her knees.
"I don't think I've ever slept that long during the day." he said, rubbing his eyes underneath his glasses. "Well, maybe in high school. It's been awhile."
He lowered his hands when she didn't reply and looked at her.
She was looking at him curiously, as if she were studying his face for an exam. It was intense- the expression on her still face, and it made Mark feel uneasy.
He cleared his throat and looked down.
"Um, where's Collins?" he asked. His voice cracked mid-sentence and he winced.
Her stare was unnerving.
"He went to the police station." she said quietly.
"What?" Mark said. His heart began to pound in his chest. "Why would Collins go there?"
"To file a missing person's report." she said.
Mark's mouth went dry.
"W-What?" he stuttered. "F-For who? Why?"
"Roger."
April's eyes bore into him like steel picks.
"He's been missing for two days, Mark. Two days is enough to file a report." she said.
"I know, Mark. I know he's still out there."
Mark couldn't speak.
His heart had stopped and he had no air left to use for words. At that moment, Mark wanted to die. He wanted to crawl into a hole and die. His body went limp and he slumped against the arm of the couch. His eyes began to water and he uttered a strangled cry as he tried to breathe.
April sat up and released her legs.
"Mark, it's okay." she said gently.
But he didn't hear her words.
Mark forced himself to stand up.
His body burned with shame and anguish.
He wanted to run away.
Wanted to turn around and walk out of the apartment and out of her life for good. He had lied to her and now she knew and he was certain that she would tell him she hated him.
He wanted to be gone before she could utter the words.
He took a step forward and suddenly felt April's hand grab his.
"Mark, don't go." she said.
Her fingers held his hand tightly and he looked back at her. She stood up and looked him in his eyes.
"Collins told me... he told me everything." she said. "About Roger and..."
That was when the screaming in his head began- the winding, neverending, horrific sound of his voice screaming out her name filled his mind and then filled the air around him.
He fell to his knees before her feet and cried.
"I'm sorry!" he said, crying uncontrollably. He squeezed his eyes shut. "Oh God, April I'm sorry! Please don't hate me! Don't hate me for what I did! I didn't mean to lie, I swear to God, I didn't mean for this to happen. I was just so tired and his dealer... and it hurt so much... and it was so cold and I was scared that you would be gone... oh God, I'm sorry, April!"
He grabbed her legs and sobbed.
"Don't hate me don't hate me don't hate me..." he moaned. "I'll make it better, April, I swear to you, I'll find him myself and you can be together and be happy. I'm sorry, April, please don't hate me..."
Mark felt her pulling away from him and he shook his head and held on to the material of her pants.
"No, don't leave me." he said, crying. His sobs grew to a hysterical pitch. "I'm sorry! Don't go!"
But she moved away and Mark collapsed to the floor, weeping.
"I know I don't deserve you." he cried. The rough material of the carpet scratched his face. "I don't deserve anything good, I know it. I'm a liar and.. and..."
Mark felt her arms pull him up and then felt himself being pushed against her in a tight embrace.
His face found the curve of her neck and he cried against her hair.
"Mark, shh." she whispered into his ear. "I don't hate you, Mark. How could I hate you?"
"I-I l-lied." he said.
"I don't hate you, Mark. I could never, ever hate you."
Her arms tightened around him and his hands clutched at her sweater.
She rocked him back and forth, rubbing his back until his sobs had subsided into soft whimpers.
He opened his eyes and moved his face slightly, letting her soft hair wipe his tears.
"I'm sorry." he said in a ragged whisper. His chest hitched and his entire body shook. "I'm so sorry."
She pushed him away only a little but he held onto her tightly.
"No." he moaned. "Please."
"I'm not going anywhere, Mark." she said. "I only want to look at you."
He loosened his grip reluctuntly and lowered his eyes. The world was a wet blur to him and he realized that he had dropped his glasses somewhere on the floor.
He didn't bother to look for them. He preferred the blurriness, preferred not being able to see her face as she spoke.
Her fingers were soft and gentle as they wiped his tears away. She brushed his hair away from forehead and he realized that he had been sweating.
He sat up and he felt cool plastic push against his face.
"How many times have I helped you put your glasses back on?" she said.
Mark could hear the smile in her voice.
He pushed his glasses up his nose with one finger and raised his eyes.
April smiled at him- a sweet, simple tilt of her mouth really. He searched for a hint of anger in her eyes and found none.
But.. how could she not hate him?
He couldn't understand it.
"Mark, are you okay?" she asked after awhile. "Do you want some water?"
His throat was dry and painful but he didn't want her to stand up and leave him- even if it was only for a few seconds.
He shook his head and moved shyly back towards her.
April opened her arms to him and he crept up against her, laying his damp, hot cheek against her soft, cool one.
Mark felt safe.
For the first time in a year, he felt safe.
April knew he had lied and she didn't push him away. She wasn't angry at him and she didn't leave him and Mark felt safe in her arms.
"Mark, I, um..." April's voice grew shaky and Mark pulled back slightly, alarmed.
"What's wrong?" he asked, worried.
"I have to tell you something." she whispered.
Her eyes grew shiny and when Mark reached up to touch her face, she shook her head and sniffed.
"You're not the only one who's been lying." she said in a low voice. "The funny thing is, when I tell you... what I'm about to tell you, you might be the one who'll end up hating me. Or at least, not liking me very much. And if you want to leave, I won't stop you. You're free to go, Mark. I want you to understand that. You owe me nothing and I won't ask you for anything."
Mark touched her hand cautiously and when she didn't pull it away, he slipped his hand over hers and squeezed it.
"I don't scare easily." he cracked. "I just cry a lot."
He smiled and then felt uneasy when she didn't smile back. In fact, her face had become pale and the edges of her features seemed tinged in gray.
"April, what is it?" he asked. "It can't be as bad as..."
"Remember when I was sick. Around November? December?" she said, cutting him off.
"Uh huh." Mark said, staring at her.
Her face had gone a deathly shade of white.
"I, um, I went to the clinic and got a blood test to see what was wrong." she said quietly. "Um, it was a specific blood test actually. To see if I had a certain.. a certain thing."
"What was the blood test for?" Mark asked.
April covered her eyes with her hand and completely pulled herself away from him.
He touched her hand and she jerked back violently.
"No, wait." she said, holding out her other hand. "Just.. just wait, Mark. Give me t-time."
Her voice was choked up and thick and he was certain she was crying but when she finally lowered her hand, her eyes were only slightly puffy.
"April?" Mark said gently. "What is it? What was wrong? What..."
"It was a blood test for AIDS." she said quietly.
In a flash, Mark remembered the day he had met with Collins at the Life Cafe. He remembered coming home that afternoon. Remembered the way April had stumbled in, lost and confused. Remembered the expression on her face when he had caught her on camera.
Remembered the small white paper in her bag.
Pos..
Positive, Mark thought.
That was the word, wasn't it?
Positive.
Her test had been positive.
Everything around him seemed to spin at a dizzying speed and the earth beneath him seemed to tremble and shake but only April seemed to stay still.
She stared at her hands with a sick look on her face as if she expected him to say something cruel.
Mark saw her with new eyes.
Here was the girl who had spent the past two months of her life carrying a secret that would have made the strongest man weak.
Here was the girl who had put everyone else before herself, including the person who had probably given her the disease.
And more simply, here was the girl he loved more than anything or anyone else.
She raised her eyes slowly, fearfully and looked at him.
"So now you know." she said in a voice that was barely above a whisper.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Mark asked. "Why didn't you let me help you?"
"I was scared."
Mark said nothing. He was well acquainted with fear of all kinds. He understood.
The fear of not knowing. Of not being accepted.
Of making life's worst horrors real by the simple act of vocalizing them.
Of being alone.
April closed her eyes and a single tear slipped down her cheek.
"I didn't want to tell you until... until things calmed down." she said. "I wanted to find Roger first. So that he could get tested and helped. I was going to tell you afterwards, Mark. I just... I didn't want to add to the problem."
Mark moved forward and touched her face with the tips of his fingers. He wiped the tear away and she opened her eyes and blinked at him.
"It wouldn't have happened that way, April." Mark said. "You should have told me sooner."
"I know."
He cupped her cheek with his hand, letting his fingertips stray against her hair.
"Are you okay?" he asked. "Do you have medication? Which ones are you taking? Do you have enough? Are you sick?"
She smiled wryly and tilted her head into his hand.
"I'm set, Mark." she said. "Don't worry about me."
"I can't help it."
"I know."
"April, you have to get a doctor. Like a... a personal physician as soon as possible. You have to stay healthy, you know..."
"I know."
"Have you told your parents? Your family? Do they know?"
She shook her head. "Not yet, Mark."
"You have to tell them, you have to let them know, April."
"I know."
"So what else do you know?" Mark asked, letting a smile creep over his lips. "You seem to be the amazing all-knowing April today."
April stopped smiling and touched his hand on her face. She kissed his palm and then brought it back down to the floor.
"That's about it." she muttered, lowering her eyes. "I'm done with confessions for the day."
Mark hesitated.
"I'm not." he said, after a short pause. "April, there's something else that you need to know. About me.. and you, I guess."
She looked up.
He took a deep breath to steady himself.
I've never declared my love for anyone before, he thought nervously.
This is what it is right?
A declaration.
An announcement.
Mark almost smiled.
I'm making it sound so much more than it really is, he thought.
Just three little words, really. It's easy to say.
But what happens if she doesn't love me back?
What do I say then?
Mark didn't know but he still had to take that chance.
"April, I, um.." Mark cleared his throat and forced himself to look into her eyes. "Maybe this isn't the right time to tell you but... I think you should know that, um... Well, I... I always knew you were special, April. You were different from every other..."
He stopped and blushed.
"Okay, let me start over." he said. He laughed nervously. "April, I..."
April's face softened and she put her finger over his lips gently, making him stop and stare at her in wonder.
"You don't need to say it, Mark." she said. "I already know. Really."
He reached up and took her hand from his face. He held it tightly in both of his hands and gazed into her eyes.
Suddenly, he wasn't afraid or nervous anymore.
"I love you." he said.
April leaned foward and kissed him.
She crept into the bathroom, looking over her shoulder once before she locked the door behind her.
Mark was in the kitchen, fixing something to eat for the both of them
She put her bag on the floor and pushed the toilet seat up.
She took out the remainder of the pill bottles and without hesitation, poured the contents of each one out into the water.
She flushed the toilet and put each bottle back into her bag.
"April?"
Mark knocked on the door and she looked up, alarmed.
"Are you okay in there?"
April put the toilet cover down and picked her up bag. She opened the faucet and let it run.
"Yeah, Mark, I'm just washing my hands." she said. "I'll be right out."
"I made some soup and sandwiches. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, sounds great."
April stared at the running water and sat down on the toilet seat, shivering.
"Are you sure you're okay, April?"
"I'm great, Mark, really. I'll be right out."
She was only telling half a lie.