A/N: SHE COMES OUT OF COLLINS' BATHROOM ALIVE! Lola cracks me up! I totally didn't see that comment coming ("She better come out of that bathroom alive!") ...
I didn't write a bathroom death scene. I've had enough bathroom scenes in this story (foreshadowing events? perhaps...) This is a filler chapter... a weird chapter, actually.
Thanks for all the reviews so far! It's nice to see new names on that list.
Disclaimer: They are soooo not mine. Not even April. =(
Chapter 13- Calm Before the Storm
"I used to think that I was going to get married, have kids and be a soccer mom."
Mark turned his head to look at her and smiled slightly.
"I can see you as a mom." he said softly.
April smiled back and leaned her head against his shoulder, blinking up at him with her soft eyes.
They were curled up on Collins' couch waiting for him to come home. It was past ten o'clock and they had finished dinner hours ago.
April's legs were on Mark's lap and his arms were wrapped tightly around her. She leaned half off, half on Mark's chest and he could feel her gentle breath on his neck.
He had never felt more comfortable and warm.
"I used to watch the Brady Bunch and all those old shows and I guess it just stuck with me." she said. "I used to want twin boys and a little girl. A little girl with golden hair and blue eyes and..."
Mark grinned at her and blinked in her face.
"Blonde hair? Blue eyes? Hello." he teased and her cheeks turned a pale shade of pink. She hit him lightly on his arm and giggled.
"Shut up, Mark." she muttered.
He laughed and kissed her forehead lightly.
"I wanted the simple life." she said after awhile. Her face grew pensive and still. "I still do actually. A simple, quiet, little life. White picket fences and apple trees in the backyard. Babies to chase after. Someone to love, who would love me back. I mean, I know no life is perfect. There's no such thing right? But.. a simple life would have been nice."
Mark didn't like the way her face had suddenly closed in on itself. Her expression was too thoughtful, too dark and intense. She shifted her eyes slightly and focused in on something in the air that Mark couldn't see.
"You can still have that, April." Mark said.
She smiled and it was tinged with bitterness.
"No." she whispered. "I won't have kids. I can't, Mark. And who would want me... knowing what I have inside of me?"
"I want you." he said. "I've always wanted you, April. I always will."
Her eyes turned back to his and she reached up and touched his face.
Mark realized that his throat was becoming tight and he blinked back the tears that suddenly threatened to spill out behind the surface of his eyes.
He cleared his thorat.
"So, um, how old did you think you'd be when you'd have this simple life?" he asked, smiling slightly.
She smiled back, a real smile and Mark knew that the strange, sad moment had passed.
"Twenty eight." she said lightly. "I figure that's old..."
Mark laughed.
"Twenty eight?" he said. "Are you serious? Isn't that kind of young to have three kids and a husband?"
April blushed again and she looked sweetly embarrassed.
"Well, the mothers on the shows always looked so young.." she began and Mark turned his face away so that he could laugh harder.
"What's so funny!" she demanded, pretending to frown. But the tips of her mouth began to pull up in a smile.
"Well, they're supposed to look young, April." Mark said, grinning. "I mean, it's T.V. The media is always trying to sell us that 'young is better' and...."
"Oh gosh, here we go." April said, smiling. She rolled her eyes. "Another spiel about the evils of the media..."
"Hey, I thought you liked hearing my spiels on the media." Mark said.
"I do." she said.
Mark smiled and tilted his head to the side so that his cheek was pressed lightly on her hair. They sat quietly for a moment and Mark played with her fingers, lost in thought. He was amazed at how perfectly they seemed to fit together- like two pieces of a puzzle that had found each other despite the chaos of the puzzle box.
If I could stay on this couch with April forever I'd happily do so, he thought to himself.
"So... twenty eight, huh?" he said after awhile. "What do you plan to do before you fulfill your dream of becoming a soccer mom?"
April's smile faded and Mark suddenly felt as if he had said the wrong thing. She turned her head away and stared out into space again.
"April?"
She didn't say anything and continued to stare out into nothing.
"April, I'm sorry." Mark said, suddenly feeling miserable.
He had ruined the mood, said something to April that he shouldn't have said and now she was...
"It's not going to happen, Mark." she said softly. Her eyes were glassy and faraway. ""Not for me, anyway. I'll never have that kind of life..."
"That's not true." Mark said firmly. He sat up and brushed a few wispy strands of her hair away from her face. He looked into her eyes. "You will have that kind of life, April. I promise it to you. All you need to do is stay healthy and strong and I'll help you with that."
She stayed silent and Mark went on.
"April, I've been thinking and.. you need to go home. As soon as you can." he said. "You need to tell your parents and be with your family. None of us here can really give you the things you need, you know. You should be with them."
"What about you, Mark?" she asked quietly.
"I'll get a job or something." he said. He lowered his eyes and shrugged. "I'll start saving up for a better place. So that you can come back and have everything you need here. I... I have some money saved up right now. From a long time ago. I never touched it because I was going to use it for an emergency. This counts as one in my mind. I want to use it to buy you a plane ticket home."
April sat up and stared at him, frowning deeply.
"Mark, no." she said. "You can't. That's your money and.."
"I want to." he said. "I have to. I want to make sure you're okay and you won't be okay if you stay here."
His eyes pleaded with her.
"Please, let me do this for you. For us." he said.
She looked at him for a long time and then smiled slightly.
"Trying to get rid of me already, huh, Cohen?" she said. "It won't be that easy."
Mark smiled back and shook his head.
"You know that's not true." he said softly.
"I know. I'm kidding." she sighed. "What about Roger? I mean, he still.."
Mark squeezed her hand.
"Let me and Collins worry about him, April." he said. "You shouldn't have to worry about anything except yourself. The sooner you go home, the sooner you get better help, the sooner we can be together again."
He blushed and shrugged.
"And maybe... the sooner you can reach that goal of three kids." he said, smiling. "You know, before twenty eight."
April laughed softly and he felt her lips against his face. He lowered his head and turned towards her, leaning slightly forward. When their lips met, Mark closed his eyes and let himself slip away in the soft, warmth of her.
"I see everything worked out for the both of you." an amused sounding Collins said.
Mark and April pulled apart in surprise and looked up. Collins threw his keys down onto the doorside table and closed the door behind him.
"Don't let me interrupt!" Collins teased and Mark felt a hot, furious blush rush up to his face.
Collins winked at him and grinned.
April swung her legs off of Mark's lap and stood up, brushing her hair behind her ears. Mark noticed that she was blushing too and it made him feel a little better.
"Collins, we didn't hear you come in." she said, smiling.
"Well, you were a bit preoccupied." Collins said. "It's okay. I forgive you both. Spreading a little love in this world isn't a bad thing, April."
"So.. what happened down at the station?" April asked.
Collins' face grew serious and he sat down on the other chair. April sat down on the livingroom table and glanced at Mark nervously. The air in the room suddenly grew tense and Mark noticed that April had started to chew on her fingers nervously.
"Some bad news and some good news." Collins said. "Take your pick."
"Bad news first." April said before Mark could reply. She glanced at him again and Mark slid off the couch and sat down next to her. He rubbed her back soothingly and she looked up at him, grateful.
"Roger's in jail."
A small cry escaped from April's lips and Mark stared at Collins, stunned.
"Oh my God." he muttered.
He felt April start to tremble underneath his hand and he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him.
He needed to hold her as much as she needed to be held.
"What happened? Why?" Mark asked.
"Apparently, Roger was involved in a small altercation outside a bar yesterday night." Collins explained. "He beat up some guy pretty badly. The police arrested him and threw him in a cell."
"How can we get him out?" April asked. Her voice was weak and shaky and Mark held her tighter. "Is there bail?"
Collins nodded.
"That's where the good news comes in." he said. "I called Benny while I was at the station. Explained to him what happened and he's agreed to pay for Roger's bail. Unfortunately he's out of town and he won't make to the city until early tomorrow morning. We'll bail him out tomorrow, April. First thing tomorrow morning. Then after that- it's straight to detox and rehab. One way. He won't get away from us again, I swear that to you. So please, try not to worry anymore."
"He's right." Mark said. "Roger'll get released tomorrow and he won't be able to go anywhere else after that."
April stayed quiet for a moment.
Mark loosened his grip so that he could twist around and look at her face.
"April? Are you okay?" he asked.
She looked up at him, dazed.
"So it's over?" she said. "After Roger gets out... this whole mess is finally... over?"
"Well, he still has a lot to go through." Collins said. "But I believe the worst is coming to an end. The sooner Roger gets to rehab and gets tested, the better. But now we know where he is. Yes, the worst is over."
April slumped back against Mark and he felt the air run out of her lungs.
"It's finally over." she muttered. "You found Roger. So he's going to be okay now? Is he? Does this mean he'll be okay?"
He kissed the top of her head and squeezed her tightly.
"Yes."
A few hours later, Mark opened the door to the loft and took a step back when a flood of sickening air swept past him.
"Oh yuck." April said, making a face. She pressed her face against the back of Mark's sweater to cover her nose.
"No one's been in here for awhile." Mark said. "I think we should air out the place."
"Priority one." April muttered, lifting her head.
Mark took her hand and they both walked inside.
Mark turned on the lights.
It was strange, being in the place where they had spent the last year of their lives living in fear and despair. Mark felt a strange whirl of emotion swirl around in the pit of his stomach.
This is a bad place, he thought suddenly.
Bad things have happened here.
Bad things will happen here.
He shivered as a dark dread passed over his body. Suddenly he was sure that the worst had not yet passed, that one more tragedy was to occur at any moment. He looked over at April to tell her what he was thinking and stopped.
She was staring at the bathroom with a grim expression on her face. Her normally warm brown eyes were cold and hard and her lips were set in a tight line.
Mark knew that the worst had not yet passed.
I'm going to lose her, he thought.
I'm finally with her and now I'm going to lose her.
No.
I've been under a lot of stress lately. Not to mention physical pain.
I'm just a little on edge, that's all.
But somehow Mark couldn't convince himself that it was over.
He squeezed her hand and she looked over at him. The change in her expression was instant and Mark wondered if he had imagined it all- the dread, the cold look in her eyes, the feeling that he and April were together on borrowed time.
She smiled at him and he drew her close against his chest.
"You're shivering." she said quietly.
"It's cold."
"Well, you should throw on another sweater." she smiled up at him. A trace of worry crept into her eyes as she looked at him. "Mark, really. You look pale. What's wrong?"
He forced himself to smile back at her and shrugged.
"Just cold." he said. She hugged him briefly and then pulled away, moving towards Roger's bedroom.
"I'm going to change." she said. "And clean up the mess in there. The last time I saw it, it looked like a hurricane passed through it.."
Mark watched her as she opened the door and disappeared into the darkness of the room. He walked to his own room and flicked on the lights.
It looked exactly as it did the night he had come back to look for Roger.
Mark rushed to his closet and flung it open. He got down on his hands and knees and shuffled through the old clothing and blankets there and grabbed the shoe box he had put his camera in.
He pulled it towards him and threw off the box top, groaning with relief at the sight of his most prized possesion.
Mark grinned and picked it up, touching it gently with his fingers to make sure every piece was where it should be. He pulled his sleeve over his wrist and rubbed the lens with the fabric, humming as he did. He didn't know what he was humming, only that he was happy enough to sing a little. He flicked it on and the camera whirred to life, the red light flashing up at him like an eye.
"How long has it been since I've held you?" Mark said to the impassive lens. "It's weird. I haven't filmed in almost three days and so much more has happened in those three days than in the past three months."
He cleared his throat and steadied his camera, glancing at his bedside table watch.
"February fourth, eleven p.m. Standard Eastern Time." he said loudly. "This is the first time that April and I have been inside the loft for nearly three days. April and I. Me and April. I don't know if... if we're even a 'we' yet. Actually, I don't even know if she's in love with me too. I mean, I told her how I felt but.. I don't think she's said it back. And I know I would remember something like that. I mean, it's April."
He looked down and coughed. After a few minutes, he raised his eyes once more to the lens.
"But we kissed. And the only thing I know is that when we're together, I'm happy. And she seems to be happy too. Sometimes though, she gets this faraway look in her eyes, like she's somewhere in her mind where I can't reach her. I wonder if she's still in love with Roger. How could she not be? After all she's done for him this whole time. How could I automatically assume that she would feel the same way..."
Mark lowered his head again but kept his camera steady.
"Jesus Christ, she probably just feels sorry for me. The way I've been acting around her- like a sniveling little kid following her around. How could I not have thought about this sooner? She's still in love with Roger..."
"I'm not, Mark."
Mark turned around, startled.
He turned his camera off and set it down.
April stood at the doorway, looking at him with solemn eyes. She had changed into another shirt and she held his sweater in her hands.
"April, I didn't mean.."
"I know, Mark. It's okay." she said quietly. She walked inside his room and closed the door behind her.
"I didn't mean that I don't trust you." Mark said. April sat down next to him on the floor and smiled, nodding.
"I know." she said. "But I'm telling you now that I'm not in love with him. I love Roger. I care for him so much that I... I... but I'm not in love him."
"You didn't have to say that."
"Yes, I did." she said. "You have to know that. The last few months have been so... dark. I wasn't sure of myself or what I felt for anyone. Things were just too complicated and I was so lost. But I think that... deep down inside, I always... I always knew."
Mark lowered his eyes and touched her hand.
"Deep down inside, it's always been you." she whispered.
Mark smiled.
"Really?" he said, shyly. April lifted up his head so that he could look into her eyes.
"Really." she said. "And Mark, we are a 'we'- it's okay to say we."
Mark blushed and laughed. "Exactly how long were you standing at the door listening to me?"
April smiled back.
"Long enough." she said.
Her face grew serious.
"I love you, Mark. I should have said it before."
"It's okay." Mark said, trying to keep his voice steady. He shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. "At least you said it now, right?"
But his heart felt as if it were soaring high above him in the sky.
I didn't write a bathroom death scene. I've had enough bathroom scenes in this story (foreshadowing events? perhaps...) This is a filler chapter... a weird chapter, actually.
Thanks for all the reviews so far! It's nice to see new names on that list.
Disclaimer: They are soooo not mine. Not even April. =(
Chapter 13- Calm Before the Storm
"I used to think that I was going to get married, have kids and be a soccer mom."
Mark turned his head to look at her and smiled slightly.
"I can see you as a mom." he said softly.
April smiled back and leaned her head against his shoulder, blinking up at him with her soft eyes.
They were curled up on Collins' couch waiting for him to come home. It was past ten o'clock and they had finished dinner hours ago.
April's legs were on Mark's lap and his arms were wrapped tightly around her. She leaned half off, half on Mark's chest and he could feel her gentle breath on his neck.
He had never felt more comfortable and warm.
"I used to watch the Brady Bunch and all those old shows and I guess it just stuck with me." she said. "I used to want twin boys and a little girl. A little girl with golden hair and blue eyes and..."
Mark grinned at her and blinked in her face.
"Blonde hair? Blue eyes? Hello." he teased and her cheeks turned a pale shade of pink. She hit him lightly on his arm and giggled.
"Shut up, Mark." she muttered.
He laughed and kissed her forehead lightly.
"I wanted the simple life." she said after awhile. Her face grew pensive and still. "I still do actually. A simple, quiet, little life. White picket fences and apple trees in the backyard. Babies to chase after. Someone to love, who would love me back. I mean, I know no life is perfect. There's no such thing right? But.. a simple life would have been nice."
Mark didn't like the way her face had suddenly closed in on itself. Her expression was too thoughtful, too dark and intense. She shifted her eyes slightly and focused in on something in the air that Mark couldn't see.
"You can still have that, April." Mark said.
She smiled and it was tinged with bitterness.
"No." she whispered. "I won't have kids. I can't, Mark. And who would want me... knowing what I have inside of me?"
"I want you." he said. "I've always wanted you, April. I always will."
Her eyes turned back to his and she reached up and touched his face.
Mark realized that his throat was becoming tight and he blinked back the tears that suddenly threatened to spill out behind the surface of his eyes.
He cleared his thorat.
"So, um, how old did you think you'd be when you'd have this simple life?" he asked, smiling slightly.
She smiled back, a real smile and Mark knew that the strange, sad moment had passed.
"Twenty eight." she said lightly. "I figure that's old..."
Mark laughed.
"Twenty eight?" he said. "Are you serious? Isn't that kind of young to have three kids and a husband?"
April blushed again and she looked sweetly embarrassed.
"Well, the mothers on the shows always looked so young.." she began and Mark turned his face away so that he could laugh harder.
"What's so funny!" she demanded, pretending to frown. But the tips of her mouth began to pull up in a smile.
"Well, they're supposed to look young, April." Mark said, grinning. "I mean, it's T.V. The media is always trying to sell us that 'young is better' and...."
"Oh gosh, here we go." April said, smiling. She rolled her eyes. "Another spiel about the evils of the media..."
"Hey, I thought you liked hearing my spiels on the media." Mark said.
"I do." she said.
Mark smiled and tilted his head to the side so that his cheek was pressed lightly on her hair. They sat quietly for a moment and Mark played with her fingers, lost in thought. He was amazed at how perfectly they seemed to fit together- like two pieces of a puzzle that had found each other despite the chaos of the puzzle box.
If I could stay on this couch with April forever I'd happily do so, he thought to himself.
"So... twenty eight, huh?" he said after awhile. "What do you plan to do before you fulfill your dream of becoming a soccer mom?"
April's smile faded and Mark suddenly felt as if he had said the wrong thing. She turned her head away and stared out into space again.
"April?"
She didn't say anything and continued to stare out into nothing.
"April, I'm sorry." Mark said, suddenly feeling miserable.
He had ruined the mood, said something to April that he shouldn't have said and now she was...
"It's not going to happen, Mark." she said softly. Her eyes were glassy and faraway. ""Not for me, anyway. I'll never have that kind of life..."
"That's not true." Mark said firmly. He sat up and brushed a few wispy strands of her hair away from her face. He looked into her eyes. "You will have that kind of life, April. I promise it to you. All you need to do is stay healthy and strong and I'll help you with that."
She stayed silent and Mark went on.
"April, I've been thinking and.. you need to go home. As soon as you can." he said. "You need to tell your parents and be with your family. None of us here can really give you the things you need, you know. You should be with them."
"What about you, Mark?" she asked quietly.
"I'll get a job or something." he said. He lowered his eyes and shrugged. "I'll start saving up for a better place. So that you can come back and have everything you need here. I... I have some money saved up right now. From a long time ago. I never touched it because I was going to use it for an emergency. This counts as one in my mind. I want to use it to buy you a plane ticket home."
April sat up and stared at him, frowning deeply.
"Mark, no." she said. "You can't. That's your money and.."
"I want to." he said. "I have to. I want to make sure you're okay and you won't be okay if you stay here."
His eyes pleaded with her.
"Please, let me do this for you. For us." he said.
She looked at him for a long time and then smiled slightly.
"Trying to get rid of me already, huh, Cohen?" she said. "It won't be that easy."
Mark smiled back and shook his head.
"You know that's not true." he said softly.
"I know. I'm kidding." she sighed. "What about Roger? I mean, he still.."
Mark squeezed her hand.
"Let me and Collins worry about him, April." he said. "You shouldn't have to worry about anything except yourself. The sooner you go home, the sooner you get better help, the sooner we can be together again."
He blushed and shrugged.
"And maybe... the sooner you can reach that goal of three kids." he said, smiling. "You know, before twenty eight."
April laughed softly and he felt her lips against his face. He lowered his head and turned towards her, leaning slightly forward. When their lips met, Mark closed his eyes and let himself slip away in the soft, warmth of her.
"I see everything worked out for the both of you." an amused sounding Collins said.
Mark and April pulled apart in surprise and looked up. Collins threw his keys down onto the doorside table and closed the door behind him.
"Don't let me interrupt!" Collins teased and Mark felt a hot, furious blush rush up to his face.
Collins winked at him and grinned.
April swung her legs off of Mark's lap and stood up, brushing her hair behind her ears. Mark noticed that she was blushing too and it made him feel a little better.
"Collins, we didn't hear you come in." she said, smiling.
"Well, you were a bit preoccupied." Collins said. "It's okay. I forgive you both. Spreading a little love in this world isn't a bad thing, April."
"So.. what happened down at the station?" April asked.
Collins' face grew serious and he sat down on the other chair. April sat down on the livingroom table and glanced at Mark nervously. The air in the room suddenly grew tense and Mark noticed that April had started to chew on her fingers nervously.
"Some bad news and some good news." Collins said. "Take your pick."
"Bad news first." April said before Mark could reply. She glanced at him again and Mark slid off the couch and sat down next to her. He rubbed her back soothingly and she looked up at him, grateful.
"Roger's in jail."
A small cry escaped from April's lips and Mark stared at Collins, stunned.
"Oh my God." he muttered.
He felt April start to tremble underneath his hand and he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him.
He needed to hold her as much as she needed to be held.
"What happened? Why?" Mark asked.
"Apparently, Roger was involved in a small altercation outside a bar yesterday night." Collins explained. "He beat up some guy pretty badly. The police arrested him and threw him in a cell."
"How can we get him out?" April asked. Her voice was weak and shaky and Mark held her tighter. "Is there bail?"
Collins nodded.
"That's where the good news comes in." he said. "I called Benny while I was at the station. Explained to him what happened and he's agreed to pay for Roger's bail. Unfortunately he's out of town and he won't make to the city until early tomorrow morning. We'll bail him out tomorrow, April. First thing tomorrow morning. Then after that- it's straight to detox and rehab. One way. He won't get away from us again, I swear that to you. So please, try not to worry anymore."
"He's right." Mark said. "Roger'll get released tomorrow and he won't be able to go anywhere else after that."
April stayed quiet for a moment.
Mark loosened his grip so that he could twist around and look at her face.
"April? Are you okay?" he asked.
She looked up at him, dazed.
"So it's over?" she said. "After Roger gets out... this whole mess is finally... over?"
"Well, he still has a lot to go through." Collins said. "But I believe the worst is coming to an end. The sooner Roger gets to rehab and gets tested, the better. But now we know where he is. Yes, the worst is over."
April slumped back against Mark and he felt the air run out of her lungs.
"It's finally over." she muttered. "You found Roger. So he's going to be okay now? Is he? Does this mean he'll be okay?"
He kissed the top of her head and squeezed her tightly.
"Yes."
A few hours later, Mark opened the door to the loft and took a step back when a flood of sickening air swept past him.
"Oh yuck." April said, making a face. She pressed her face against the back of Mark's sweater to cover her nose.
"No one's been in here for awhile." Mark said. "I think we should air out the place."
"Priority one." April muttered, lifting her head.
Mark took her hand and they both walked inside.
Mark turned on the lights.
It was strange, being in the place where they had spent the last year of their lives living in fear and despair. Mark felt a strange whirl of emotion swirl around in the pit of his stomach.
This is a bad place, he thought suddenly.
Bad things have happened here.
Bad things will happen here.
He shivered as a dark dread passed over his body. Suddenly he was sure that the worst had not yet passed, that one more tragedy was to occur at any moment. He looked over at April to tell her what he was thinking and stopped.
She was staring at the bathroom with a grim expression on her face. Her normally warm brown eyes were cold and hard and her lips were set in a tight line.
Mark knew that the worst had not yet passed.
I'm going to lose her, he thought.
I'm finally with her and now I'm going to lose her.
No.
I've been under a lot of stress lately. Not to mention physical pain.
I'm just a little on edge, that's all.
But somehow Mark couldn't convince himself that it was over.
He squeezed her hand and she looked over at him. The change in her expression was instant and Mark wondered if he had imagined it all- the dread, the cold look in her eyes, the feeling that he and April were together on borrowed time.
She smiled at him and he drew her close against his chest.
"You're shivering." she said quietly.
"It's cold."
"Well, you should throw on another sweater." she smiled up at him. A trace of worry crept into her eyes as she looked at him. "Mark, really. You look pale. What's wrong?"
He forced himself to smile back at her and shrugged.
"Just cold." he said. She hugged him briefly and then pulled away, moving towards Roger's bedroom.
"I'm going to change." she said. "And clean up the mess in there. The last time I saw it, it looked like a hurricane passed through it.."
Mark watched her as she opened the door and disappeared into the darkness of the room. He walked to his own room and flicked on the lights.
It looked exactly as it did the night he had come back to look for Roger.
Mark rushed to his closet and flung it open. He got down on his hands and knees and shuffled through the old clothing and blankets there and grabbed the shoe box he had put his camera in.
He pulled it towards him and threw off the box top, groaning with relief at the sight of his most prized possesion.
Mark grinned and picked it up, touching it gently with his fingers to make sure every piece was where it should be. He pulled his sleeve over his wrist and rubbed the lens with the fabric, humming as he did. He didn't know what he was humming, only that he was happy enough to sing a little. He flicked it on and the camera whirred to life, the red light flashing up at him like an eye.
"How long has it been since I've held you?" Mark said to the impassive lens. "It's weird. I haven't filmed in almost three days and so much more has happened in those three days than in the past three months."
He cleared his throat and steadied his camera, glancing at his bedside table watch.
"February fourth, eleven p.m. Standard Eastern Time." he said loudly. "This is the first time that April and I have been inside the loft for nearly three days. April and I. Me and April. I don't know if... if we're even a 'we' yet. Actually, I don't even know if she's in love with me too. I mean, I told her how I felt but.. I don't think she's said it back. And I know I would remember something like that. I mean, it's April."
He looked down and coughed. After a few minutes, he raised his eyes once more to the lens.
"But we kissed. And the only thing I know is that when we're together, I'm happy. And she seems to be happy too. Sometimes though, she gets this faraway look in her eyes, like she's somewhere in her mind where I can't reach her. I wonder if she's still in love with Roger. How could she not be? After all she's done for him this whole time. How could I automatically assume that she would feel the same way..."
Mark lowered his head again but kept his camera steady.
"Jesus Christ, she probably just feels sorry for me. The way I've been acting around her- like a sniveling little kid following her around. How could I not have thought about this sooner? She's still in love with Roger..."
"I'm not, Mark."
Mark turned around, startled.
He turned his camera off and set it down.
April stood at the doorway, looking at him with solemn eyes. She had changed into another shirt and she held his sweater in her hands.
"April, I didn't mean.."
"I know, Mark. It's okay." she said quietly. She walked inside his room and closed the door behind her.
"I didn't mean that I don't trust you." Mark said. April sat down next to him on the floor and smiled, nodding.
"I know." she said. "But I'm telling you now that I'm not in love with him. I love Roger. I care for him so much that I... I... but I'm not in love him."
"You didn't have to say that."
"Yes, I did." she said. "You have to know that. The last few months have been so... dark. I wasn't sure of myself or what I felt for anyone. Things were just too complicated and I was so lost. But I think that... deep down inside, I always... I always knew."
Mark lowered his eyes and touched her hand.
"Deep down inside, it's always been you." she whispered.
Mark smiled.
"Really?" he said, shyly. April lifted up his head so that he could look into her eyes.
"Really." she said. "And Mark, we are a 'we'- it's okay to say we."
Mark blushed and laughed. "Exactly how long were you standing at the door listening to me?"
April smiled back.
"Long enough." she said.
Her face grew serious.
"I love you, Mark. I should have said it before."
"It's okay." Mark said, trying to keep his voice steady. He shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. "At least you said it now, right?"
But his heart felt as if it were soaring high above him in the sky.