A/N: Angsty... very, very angsty- although it's all sticky sweet in the beginning. I actually had another ending (why do I always write two endings? :: plugs my old Rentfic :: ) written and it's still on my disk so if anyone wants to check it out... yah.
Chapter 14- Going Home
She touched his face gently and smiled.
For a moment, she looked exactly like the girl Mark had met that first night.
Exactly like the old April, forever young and healthy and beautiful.
He studied her face and forced himself to etch her features into his memory, grinding each line of her face on the surface of his mind.
He touched her fingers and she squeezed his hand.
"So.. what do you want to do now, April?" he asked.
"I want you to make love to me."
Mark's breath caught in his throat and she misread his shock for fear.
She shook her head.
"No, not have sex, Mark." she said. Tears misted her eyes and she shook her head again. "I would never... I would never do that to you, knowing what I have. I would never put you in danger like that."
"No, I know, April..." he began but she put her finger on his lips.
"I want you to hold me and make love to me tonight. Just... love me." she said.
Her voice choked up and she lowered her head, as if she were afraid he would say no.
He reached out and brushed her hair away from her face.
"Yes." he whispered.
Without looking up at him, she took his hand and pulled him up to his feet, leading him to his bed. They both sat down on it.
She raised her head and the look in her eyes....
Mark fought back his tears.
He fought back the overwhelmingly terrible pain in his chest as he leaned forward to kiss her.
Their lips met and her tongue passed over his mouth.
He parted his lips and they kissed deeply and for a long time.
He took off his glasses and put them down on the bed next to him.
Mark was aware of her hands as they slid underneath his sweater. He shivered as her fingers crept along his bare skin, hesitant but loving. He leaned back a little and she pushed his sweater up, over his chest.
He moved back more and she pulled the sweater completely off, throwing it aside.
When his torso was exposed she stared at him and he lowered his eyes in shame.
"I know I'm not much to look at." he said, staring at the sheets between them. "I mean, my bruises haven't healed yet and..."
He forced himself to chuckle but stopped when her hands touched his face again.
He raised his head and saw that tears were falling down her face.
She smiled at him.
"You're beautiful, Mark." she said.
This time it was April who leaned forward to kiss him. Her hands traveled down his chest to the top of his pants and she undid the button there. With one hand on his back, she pushed him gently forward and she pulled down his pants and boxers as he moved on top of her.
Mark kissed her urgently and the pounding of his heart seemed to echo in his head.
Her hands passed over his body, carressing his skin and he moaned softly.
Then she broke their kiss.
April took one of his hands and guided it to her own shirt, all the while staring up at Mark with her large brown eyes. Mark never broke her gaze as he unbuttoned her shirt and when her smooth body was exposed, he sighed.
Mark pressed his lips against her neck as he worked to unbutton her pants. She helped him, finally kicking them off of her legs playfully. Mark rolled off of her and lay on his side. She moved closer to him and they wrapped their arms around each other.
For awhile they lay there, gazing quietly into each other's eyes. Mark passed his fingertips over her face, trying to memorize each gentle slope of her cheeks, the curves of her lips and the smooth texture of her skin.
"For a long time, I thought I had found my prince charming." she said quietly. The tears slid down her face and Mark wiped them away with his fingers. "I thought Roger... I love him so much but..."
"I know." Mark said softly.
She smiled.
"So you're my knight in shining armor, huh?" she said teasingly. Her hands moved down the curves of his body as she spoke. "Funny, I can't picture you on a horse."
Mark smiled back.
"Well, I had a pet hamster once..." he said and she giggled. She kissed the side of his neck and lingered there, breathing softly on his skin.
"Is this wrong, April?" Mark asked suddenly. "I-I mean... us? You don't feel..."
She leaned back and looked up at him.
"Does it feel wrong? Us, I mean."
"No." Mark said honestly.
In fact, it was the most "right" he had felt in a long time.
"After all the things we've been through, there is no right or wrong." April said softly. "The way I see it anyway. No right. No wrong. There's only.. there's only us. Tonight."
Mark nodded, understanding only a little of what she meant. Her eyes looked so grave and dark that it filled him with a strange sort of grief.
He lowered his head a little and kissed her lips briefly.
"Only us." he repeated.
She smiled finally and nodded.
They spent the rest of the night touching each other, learning each other, discovering each other.
At times Mark felt as if he would explode, wanting to feel himself inside of her but not being able to. April would slowly bring him back down, calming his senses until he was rocked to a peaceful lull.
Sometimes their kisses were hard and urgent, passionate and intense but mostly, they were sweet and almost playful.
They studied each other with their hands and lips.
Mark tickled her neck with his nose.
At one point, he clutched her tightly- as if his survival depended on not letting her go.
He sobbed into her hair, not really knowing why he felt so sad and she had stroked his back until the sadness had passed.
They talked and touched and he had made love to her, had given every part of himself to her, just as she had asked him to.
They didn't need to have sex.
They had love.
It was the most beautiful night of Mark's life.
When he finally felt the pull of unconsciousness tug at his eyes, he laid his head against her chest, over where her heart was beating. He felt her hand in his hair, pulling and stroking and he smiled, closing his eyes.
He didn't see the tears that slipped out of her eyes as she watched him drift off.
He didn't hear her whisper "goodbye" in his ear as he lay in her arms sleeping.
He didn't know that it was the last truly happy moment he would ever have in his life.
Mark woke up, feeling his world shaking slightly.
"Mark, wake up."
He opened his eyes, blinking up, confused.
Then he smiled.
April's blurry face loomed over his. He felt her place his glasses in his hand and he slipped them on quickly.
"Morning." he said. She smiled back at him and Mark noticed the tinge of sadness in her face.
"Mark, Collins called a few minutes ago." she said quietly. "They're going to go get Roger now. Benny brought the money. He's at Collins' apartment."
He sat up and and blinked.
April was already dressed and she sat on the bed in front of him. Her face was serious and pale and drawn, as if she were nervous but trying hard to hide it.
"April, what's wrong?" he asked. A dark thought entered his mind. "Are you sick? Do you want me to get medicine for you?"
She shook his head and her face softened.
She reached out and stroked his cheek gently. Her fingers were soft and cool.
"No, I'm fine."
"What's wrong." he asked again. His voice grew small. "You're scaring me a little."
She smiled at him again and shook her head.
"I'm sorry." she said. "You should get dressed now. They're expecting you at Collins' place soon."
"Right. Okay" he said but he didn't move.
He stared at her face.
"April, something's wrong." he insisted. "You can tell me. Did Collins say something else?"
"No, Mark." she said. "Really. Everything's fine."
Mark felt as if she were lying but the look on her face was so earnest.
Her eyes seemed to be pleading with him to believe her.
"Okay." he said dully. "Just... just let me get dressed."
She nodded and he moved forward. He was about to stand up when he remembered that he was naked underneath the blanket.
"Um, April."
She looked at him and smiled.
"Mark, I think we're pretty much past the whole 'oh my God you're naked' part of our relationship." she said kindly.
Mark blushed but laughed, knowing she was right. She handed him his clothes and for the first time ever, he felt comfortable getting dressed in another person's presence.
When he was done, he glanced back at April.
She was staring at her hands with a look of pure misery and Mark sat down on the bed next to her.
"April?"
She looked up at him and smiled. He noticed that she had curled her hands up into small, tight fists.
"Sorry, daydreaming." she muttered. She kissed him on his cheek and he drew his arms around her waist.
"April, last night was..."
Mark felt his mouth grow dry and his face grew hot again. He wanted to tell her that the night they spent together was the most important thing that had ever happened to him. He wanted to tell her how much she meant to him, how much his chest hurt with love for her.
He wanted to tell her everything.
He looked up into her eyes and realized that somehow, she probably already knew.
"Last night was... it was..."
She kissed him again and smiled.
"I know, Mark." she said quietly. "Me too. Ditto."
"I love you." he said seriously.
She lowered her eyes and nodded. She stood up and Mark let her go.
"Please, Mark." she said. "Please go now. They're waiting for you."
He nodded, still watching her. He felt as if something was horribly wrong.
He didn't want to leave but it was obvious she didn't want him to stay.
And that hurt.
"Okay." he muttered. He stood and got his jacket from the chair.
April followed him as he walked out of the bedroom and towards the front door. He put his hand on the doorknob and paused.
He turned around.
"April, I just feel like..." he said. She looked at him solemnly, waiting. "I feel like I shouldn't leave. I mean... like, there's something you're not telling me. Collins and Benny can do this by themselves. I can help you clean the place up and..."
She sighed and placed her hands on his chest, looking up into his eyes.
"Mark, I'm just... I just want this all to be over with." she said. "I'm fine, really. I'll just clean up a little while you're gone. You know... I'm just tired. That's all it is."
"Okay."
She touched his face.
"When I leave... for home, I mean, I want you to take care of Roger." she said softly.
Her eyes filled with tears and Mark felt confused.
Why was she crying?
"When I'm gone. You have to watch over him. He'll need you. More than you can ever imagine."
Mark nodded.
"Of course." he said. "I mean, can't we talk about this la..."
She shook her head vigorously.
"No, I want to talk about this now." she said firmly. Tears slid down her cheeks and Mark wiped them away with the tips of his fingers.
"Okay, April."
"Take him to the hospital, Mark." she said. "Make him take his AZT because I know he won't want to. Make him... make him eat and drink and keep him healthy."
"I know, April, I will."
"Promise me, Mark. Swear it on your heart and soul."
"I promise."
She looked into his eyes for a long time and finally she seemed satisfied.
She smiled up at him though she was crying openly now.
"You're a good person, Mark. You have a good heart." she said. "You deserve all the happy endings that life can give. Remember that. You deserve so much more than... this. You deserve happily ever after."
Mark smiled and kissed the tip of her nose.
"Hey, April, I'm just going to be away for a few hours." he said lightly, trying to ignore his churning stomach. Something about this was so... wrong. "You act like you're saying good bye already. We're not at the airport or anything. I'm going to come back within a few hours. I promise."
She laughed but Mark thought it sounded forced.
April wiped her face and sniffled, taking a step back from him.
"You're right, Mark." she muttered, wiping her hands on her jeans. "I'm such a dork. Emotional and all, you know. I make everything into a production."
"Yeah, an emotional dork." he said softly, smiling.
He reached for her and she fell against his chest, hugging him back.
For a long time they stood there, holding each other. Mark held her so tightly that he imagined he could feel her heartbeat.
He wanted to fuse their souls together, somehow, just for one moment.
When she finally pushed him away, he let her go reluctantly and reached for the door again.
"I'll be right back." he said and she nodded. He opened the door and was about to walk out when she grabbed his hand.
He looked back.
April was smiling again and this time, it was a real smile; magical and happy and real. It seemed out of place with the tears in her eyes.
"I love you, Mark." she said. "Remember that. I love you."
He smiled back.
"Only us." he said.
She nodded and let go of his hand.
"I'll see you later." he said. "Everything is going to change now. It's going to get better, April. Happily ever after. You'll see."
He turned around and ran down the stairs, pausing once to look up at her as she waved good bye.
It was the last time he saw her alive.
Mark held the note she had left him tightly in his palm.
He stared mindlessly outside the window.
Downstairs, on the street, the parademics were finally driving away.
The sirens were off.
There was no need to rush.
Outside of his room, past the open door, down the street, he heard Roger still screaming.
He was screaming so loudly that Collins' voice could not be heard.
Mark felt nothing.
Nothing at all.
He felt strangely detatched from everyone and everything around him.
The tears he had wept were already drying on his pale cheeks.
He clenched his fist tightly and crumpled April's note even more.
He didn't care.
He didn't need to read it again anyway.
The hastily scrawled words had been branded on his mind.
On his heart.
On his soul.
When Mark had arrived at Collins' apartment, Benny and Collins had already left him behind. He had taken a cab to the police station and found that he had just missed them there too.
Finally, not really knowing where else to go and with no more money left in his pocket, Mark began to walk home.
It had taken him hours to finally reach his block.
The ambulance was already there when he turned the corner.
For a moment, Mark thought that Roger had done something horrible. He thought that Roger had hurt himself or worse, someone else.
And then he saw the small figure, wrapped in white on the stretcher that they carried out and something in Mark's mind broke loose.
Something in him snapped.
April, it's April oh God it's April it's her it's her...
His thoughts circled around in his mind as he ran to her. His feet, already numb and painful from his long walk, pounded the pavement as he rushed to the small figure on the stretcher.
He didn't think about why the ambulance sirens were not wailing.
He didn't think about why the paramedics weren't in a rush to leave.
He didn't question why the sheet was over her face.
All he knew was that it was April on the stretcher and that something was horribly, horrifically wrong.
Mark didn't feel their hands on him as he lunged towards her body. No force on earth could have pulled him away from her.
He threw off the sheet and....
The scream that he had emitted was primal in its intensity.
Grief. Pain. Horror. Loss.
All of them flowed out of his mouth and eyes and skin.
Then.... nothing.
He couldn't remember when Collins had come and pulled him away.
Couldn't remember being dragged up the stairs, up to the loft, away from the street.
Couldn't remember when Benny had pressed the note in his palm and whispered words of comfort to him.
Couldn't remember throwing himself at Roger, screaming that it was his fault she had killed herself.
The only thing he knew now was that April was dead.
Gone.
Dead.
Forever.
If only I had come home earlier, if only I didn't leave her alone, if only...
Mark's thoughts repeated themselves as he stared outside.
The ambulance was far, far away now and now the streets were filled with the red flashing lights of the police cruiser outside. He heard thick boots coming up the stairs and Benny was telling him that the cops wanted to ask him a few questions.
But Mark didn't move from his position at the window.
His nails dug into his palm as he tightened his grip even more.
If only.
If only.
If.
Only.
( To Mark-
It's better this way. It really is.
Who knows how long I would have had. A few months maybe? A year?
I couldn't live like that- waiting for my body to shut down on me.
I hope you understand why I did what I did. I wanted every single moment that we spent together to be
perfect. I wanted to leave you with the best memories of me and you. Of "we." I hope it was enough, Mark.
I hope you can forgive me.
Tell my family I love them. Please ask them to forgive me for everything I've done.
Everything I told you was the truth- I never lied to you about my feelings.
I love you, Mark. I'm so happy that we had a chance to be together.
You will never know how much our night meant to me.
Take care of Roger.
Remember me.
-April )
Outside, Roger screamed.
Inside, Mark died.
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a/n: epilogue will follow shortly.
Chapter 14- Going Home
She touched his face gently and smiled.
For a moment, she looked exactly like the girl Mark had met that first night.
Exactly like the old April, forever young and healthy and beautiful.
He studied her face and forced himself to etch her features into his memory, grinding each line of her face on the surface of his mind.
He touched her fingers and she squeezed his hand.
"So.. what do you want to do now, April?" he asked.
"I want you to make love to me."
Mark's breath caught in his throat and she misread his shock for fear.
She shook her head.
"No, not have sex, Mark." she said. Tears misted her eyes and she shook her head again. "I would never... I would never do that to you, knowing what I have. I would never put you in danger like that."
"No, I know, April..." he began but she put her finger on his lips.
"I want you to hold me and make love to me tonight. Just... love me." she said.
Her voice choked up and she lowered her head, as if she were afraid he would say no.
He reached out and brushed her hair away from her face.
"Yes." he whispered.
Without looking up at him, she took his hand and pulled him up to his feet, leading him to his bed. They both sat down on it.
She raised her head and the look in her eyes....
Mark fought back his tears.
He fought back the overwhelmingly terrible pain in his chest as he leaned forward to kiss her.
Their lips met and her tongue passed over his mouth.
He parted his lips and they kissed deeply and for a long time.
He took off his glasses and put them down on the bed next to him.
Mark was aware of her hands as they slid underneath his sweater. He shivered as her fingers crept along his bare skin, hesitant but loving. He leaned back a little and she pushed his sweater up, over his chest.
He moved back more and she pulled the sweater completely off, throwing it aside.
When his torso was exposed she stared at him and he lowered his eyes in shame.
"I know I'm not much to look at." he said, staring at the sheets between them. "I mean, my bruises haven't healed yet and..."
He forced himself to chuckle but stopped when her hands touched his face again.
He raised his head and saw that tears were falling down her face.
She smiled at him.
"You're beautiful, Mark." she said.
This time it was April who leaned forward to kiss him. Her hands traveled down his chest to the top of his pants and she undid the button there. With one hand on his back, she pushed him gently forward and she pulled down his pants and boxers as he moved on top of her.
Mark kissed her urgently and the pounding of his heart seemed to echo in his head.
Her hands passed over his body, carressing his skin and he moaned softly.
Then she broke their kiss.
April took one of his hands and guided it to her own shirt, all the while staring up at Mark with her large brown eyes. Mark never broke her gaze as he unbuttoned her shirt and when her smooth body was exposed, he sighed.
Mark pressed his lips against her neck as he worked to unbutton her pants. She helped him, finally kicking them off of her legs playfully. Mark rolled off of her and lay on his side. She moved closer to him and they wrapped their arms around each other.
For awhile they lay there, gazing quietly into each other's eyes. Mark passed his fingertips over her face, trying to memorize each gentle slope of her cheeks, the curves of her lips and the smooth texture of her skin.
"For a long time, I thought I had found my prince charming." she said quietly. The tears slid down her face and Mark wiped them away with his fingers. "I thought Roger... I love him so much but..."
"I know." Mark said softly.
She smiled.
"So you're my knight in shining armor, huh?" she said teasingly. Her hands moved down the curves of his body as she spoke. "Funny, I can't picture you on a horse."
Mark smiled back.
"Well, I had a pet hamster once..." he said and she giggled. She kissed the side of his neck and lingered there, breathing softly on his skin.
"Is this wrong, April?" Mark asked suddenly. "I-I mean... us? You don't feel..."
She leaned back and looked up at him.
"Does it feel wrong? Us, I mean."
"No." Mark said honestly.
In fact, it was the most "right" he had felt in a long time.
"After all the things we've been through, there is no right or wrong." April said softly. "The way I see it anyway. No right. No wrong. There's only.. there's only us. Tonight."
Mark nodded, understanding only a little of what she meant. Her eyes looked so grave and dark that it filled him with a strange sort of grief.
He lowered his head a little and kissed her lips briefly.
"Only us." he repeated.
She smiled finally and nodded.
They spent the rest of the night touching each other, learning each other, discovering each other.
At times Mark felt as if he would explode, wanting to feel himself inside of her but not being able to. April would slowly bring him back down, calming his senses until he was rocked to a peaceful lull.
Sometimes their kisses were hard and urgent, passionate and intense but mostly, they were sweet and almost playful.
They studied each other with their hands and lips.
Mark tickled her neck with his nose.
At one point, he clutched her tightly- as if his survival depended on not letting her go.
He sobbed into her hair, not really knowing why he felt so sad and she had stroked his back until the sadness had passed.
They talked and touched and he had made love to her, had given every part of himself to her, just as she had asked him to.
They didn't need to have sex.
They had love.
It was the most beautiful night of Mark's life.
When he finally felt the pull of unconsciousness tug at his eyes, he laid his head against her chest, over where her heart was beating. He felt her hand in his hair, pulling and stroking and he smiled, closing his eyes.
He didn't see the tears that slipped out of her eyes as she watched him drift off.
He didn't hear her whisper "goodbye" in his ear as he lay in her arms sleeping.
He didn't know that it was the last truly happy moment he would ever have in his life.
Mark woke up, feeling his world shaking slightly.
"Mark, wake up."
He opened his eyes, blinking up, confused.
Then he smiled.
April's blurry face loomed over his. He felt her place his glasses in his hand and he slipped them on quickly.
"Morning." he said. She smiled back at him and Mark noticed the tinge of sadness in her face.
"Mark, Collins called a few minutes ago." she said quietly. "They're going to go get Roger now. Benny brought the money. He's at Collins' apartment."
He sat up and and blinked.
April was already dressed and she sat on the bed in front of him. Her face was serious and pale and drawn, as if she were nervous but trying hard to hide it.
"April, what's wrong?" he asked. A dark thought entered his mind. "Are you sick? Do you want me to get medicine for you?"
She shook his head and her face softened.
She reached out and stroked his cheek gently. Her fingers were soft and cool.
"No, I'm fine."
"What's wrong." he asked again. His voice grew small. "You're scaring me a little."
She smiled at him again and shook her head.
"I'm sorry." she said. "You should get dressed now. They're expecting you at Collins' place soon."
"Right. Okay" he said but he didn't move.
He stared at her face.
"April, something's wrong." he insisted. "You can tell me. Did Collins say something else?"
"No, Mark." she said. "Really. Everything's fine."
Mark felt as if she were lying but the look on her face was so earnest.
Her eyes seemed to be pleading with him to believe her.
"Okay." he said dully. "Just... just let me get dressed."
She nodded and he moved forward. He was about to stand up when he remembered that he was naked underneath the blanket.
"Um, April."
She looked at him and smiled.
"Mark, I think we're pretty much past the whole 'oh my God you're naked' part of our relationship." she said kindly.
Mark blushed but laughed, knowing she was right. She handed him his clothes and for the first time ever, he felt comfortable getting dressed in another person's presence.
When he was done, he glanced back at April.
She was staring at her hands with a look of pure misery and Mark sat down on the bed next to her.
"April?"
She looked up at him and smiled. He noticed that she had curled her hands up into small, tight fists.
"Sorry, daydreaming." she muttered. She kissed him on his cheek and he drew his arms around her waist.
"April, last night was..."
Mark felt his mouth grow dry and his face grew hot again. He wanted to tell her that the night they spent together was the most important thing that had ever happened to him. He wanted to tell her how much she meant to him, how much his chest hurt with love for her.
He wanted to tell her everything.
He looked up into her eyes and realized that somehow, she probably already knew.
"Last night was... it was..."
She kissed him again and smiled.
"I know, Mark." she said quietly. "Me too. Ditto."
"I love you." he said seriously.
She lowered her eyes and nodded. She stood up and Mark let her go.
"Please, Mark." she said. "Please go now. They're waiting for you."
He nodded, still watching her. He felt as if something was horribly wrong.
He didn't want to leave but it was obvious she didn't want him to stay.
And that hurt.
"Okay." he muttered. He stood and got his jacket from the chair.
April followed him as he walked out of the bedroom and towards the front door. He put his hand on the doorknob and paused.
He turned around.
"April, I just feel like..." he said. She looked at him solemnly, waiting. "I feel like I shouldn't leave. I mean... like, there's something you're not telling me. Collins and Benny can do this by themselves. I can help you clean the place up and..."
She sighed and placed her hands on his chest, looking up into his eyes.
"Mark, I'm just... I just want this all to be over with." she said. "I'm fine, really. I'll just clean up a little while you're gone. You know... I'm just tired. That's all it is."
"Okay."
She touched his face.
"When I leave... for home, I mean, I want you to take care of Roger." she said softly.
Her eyes filled with tears and Mark felt confused.
Why was she crying?
"When I'm gone. You have to watch over him. He'll need you. More than you can ever imagine."
Mark nodded.
"Of course." he said. "I mean, can't we talk about this la..."
She shook her head vigorously.
"No, I want to talk about this now." she said firmly. Tears slid down her cheeks and Mark wiped them away with the tips of his fingers.
"Okay, April."
"Take him to the hospital, Mark." she said. "Make him take his AZT because I know he won't want to. Make him... make him eat and drink and keep him healthy."
"I know, April, I will."
"Promise me, Mark. Swear it on your heart and soul."
"I promise."
She looked into his eyes for a long time and finally she seemed satisfied.
She smiled up at him though she was crying openly now.
"You're a good person, Mark. You have a good heart." she said. "You deserve all the happy endings that life can give. Remember that. You deserve so much more than... this. You deserve happily ever after."
Mark smiled and kissed the tip of her nose.
"Hey, April, I'm just going to be away for a few hours." he said lightly, trying to ignore his churning stomach. Something about this was so... wrong. "You act like you're saying good bye already. We're not at the airport or anything. I'm going to come back within a few hours. I promise."
She laughed but Mark thought it sounded forced.
April wiped her face and sniffled, taking a step back from him.
"You're right, Mark." she muttered, wiping her hands on her jeans. "I'm such a dork. Emotional and all, you know. I make everything into a production."
"Yeah, an emotional dork." he said softly, smiling.
He reached for her and she fell against his chest, hugging him back.
For a long time they stood there, holding each other. Mark held her so tightly that he imagined he could feel her heartbeat.
He wanted to fuse their souls together, somehow, just for one moment.
When she finally pushed him away, he let her go reluctantly and reached for the door again.
"I'll be right back." he said and she nodded. He opened the door and was about to walk out when she grabbed his hand.
He looked back.
April was smiling again and this time, it was a real smile; magical and happy and real. It seemed out of place with the tears in her eyes.
"I love you, Mark." she said. "Remember that. I love you."
He smiled back.
"Only us." he said.
She nodded and let go of his hand.
"I'll see you later." he said. "Everything is going to change now. It's going to get better, April. Happily ever after. You'll see."
He turned around and ran down the stairs, pausing once to look up at her as she waved good bye.
It was the last time he saw her alive.
Mark held the note she had left him tightly in his palm.
He stared mindlessly outside the window.
Downstairs, on the street, the parademics were finally driving away.
The sirens were off.
There was no need to rush.
Outside of his room, past the open door, down the street, he heard Roger still screaming.
He was screaming so loudly that Collins' voice could not be heard.
Mark felt nothing.
Nothing at all.
He felt strangely detatched from everyone and everything around him.
The tears he had wept were already drying on his pale cheeks.
He clenched his fist tightly and crumpled April's note even more.
He didn't care.
He didn't need to read it again anyway.
The hastily scrawled words had been branded on his mind.
On his heart.
On his soul.
When Mark had arrived at Collins' apartment, Benny and Collins had already left him behind. He had taken a cab to the police station and found that he had just missed them there too.
Finally, not really knowing where else to go and with no more money left in his pocket, Mark began to walk home.
It had taken him hours to finally reach his block.
The ambulance was already there when he turned the corner.
For a moment, Mark thought that Roger had done something horrible. He thought that Roger had hurt himself or worse, someone else.
And then he saw the small figure, wrapped in white on the stretcher that they carried out and something in Mark's mind broke loose.
Something in him snapped.
April, it's April oh God it's April it's her it's her...
His thoughts circled around in his mind as he ran to her. His feet, already numb and painful from his long walk, pounded the pavement as he rushed to the small figure on the stretcher.
He didn't think about why the ambulance sirens were not wailing.
He didn't think about why the paramedics weren't in a rush to leave.
He didn't question why the sheet was over her face.
All he knew was that it was April on the stretcher and that something was horribly, horrifically wrong.
Mark didn't feel their hands on him as he lunged towards her body. No force on earth could have pulled him away from her.
He threw off the sheet and....
The scream that he had emitted was primal in its intensity.
Grief. Pain. Horror. Loss.
All of them flowed out of his mouth and eyes and skin.
Then.... nothing.
He couldn't remember when Collins had come and pulled him away.
Couldn't remember being dragged up the stairs, up to the loft, away from the street.
Couldn't remember when Benny had pressed the note in his palm and whispered words of comfort to him.
Couldn't remember throwing himself at Roger, screaming that it was his fault she had killed herself.
The only thing he knew now was that April was dead.
Gone.
Dead.
Forever.
If only I had come home earlier, if only I didn't leave her alone, if only...
Mark's thoughts repeated themselves as he stared outside.
The ambulance was far, far away now and now the streets were filled with the red flashing lights of the police cruiser outside. He heard thick boots coming up the stairs and Benny was telling him that the cops wanted to ask him a few questions.
But Mark didn't move from his position at the window.
His nails dug into his palm as he tightened his grip even more.
If only.
If only.
If.
Only.
( To Mark-
It's better this way. It really is.
Who knows how long I would have had. A few months maybe? A year?
I couldn't live like that- waiting for my body to shut down on me.
I hope you understand why I did what I did. I wanted every single moment that we spent together to be
perfect. I wanted to leave you with the best memories of me and you. Of "we." I hope it was enough, Mark.
I hope you can forgive me.
Tell my family I love them. Please ask them to forgive me for everything I've done.
Everything I told you was the truth- I never lied to you about my feelings.
I love you, Mark. I'm so happy that we had a chance to be together.
You will never know how much our night meant to me.
Take care of Roger.
Remember me.
-April )
Outside, Roger screamed.
Inside, Mark died.
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a/n: epilogue will follow shortly.