Disclaimers: I don't own any of the JAG characters or anything else JAG.
So DPB and all ya'll legal weenies leave me alone. =0) That said, this is
my first fanfic so go easy on me. Love to know what can be done better,
but I don't need to be ripped either. So, hope you enjoy. I have several
other chapters almost ready and will post those soon, unless everyone
thinks this sucks. And then I'll just enjoy them all by myself. =0)
Setting & Spoilers: Bud never lost his leg. Otherwise, consider any other episode spoiled.
Summary: Mac is getting antsy and anxious for more in her relationship with Harm. He's still being a big chicken and screws up with her again! Throw a Webb mission in the mix and we got lots of angst! Do they end up together?? Read and find out. ;0)
1630 JAG HQ
Lt. Colonel Mackenzie's Office
I'm sitting here doing my damnedest to finish this report on the Harlen investigation, but I can't seem to concentrate on it. Lately, I have just felt restless and uneasy. Its either a premonition of some sort that something big is about to come into my life, which usually means my orderly and mundane existence is about to get shot to hell, or it's the fact that I feel my life is going nowhere and fast. It's probably the latter given my 'situation' with Harm. Sure, we've gotten back to a friendship after Mic and Renee went their separate ways, but it's been 6 months since that night in Afghanistan. That night was the first time in a long while that gave me hope that maybe Harm wanted to move our friendship up a notch or two. He was so sweet as he pulled me to him to 'share body heat'. For a moment he let his guard down and I could see the desire and concern for me in his beautiful eyes. But then the damn bombs had to start dropping and we were lucky to make it out alive.
And ever since then I've been stuck in 'best friend' status. I know my restleness is translating into some irritability with those around me. I'm trying not to let it affect my work, but it's hard given that part of my frustration is walking around all day at work. I need something to get me away from here, but I don't think a vacation will do it. I'm craving danger and excitement like I never have before. Something to make me feel alive; like I am doing something really worthwhile. I know that my job is important as a JAG lawyer, and I love it... But the paperwork and tedium of trials can wear on you after awhile. Hey, I'm a kickass marine and I need to be out actually fighting the bad guys every once in a while.
I notice absently that I am pacing my office like a madwoman and I think I've been talking out loud since I have seemed to attract an audience outside my office. I give one glare to the onlookers and can't help but smirk as they all scatter trying to pretend that they're doing something other than stare at me. I see Harm eyeing my office with some trepidation and I decide to help him out with his decision. Moving to the door I shut it and close my blinds. Its pretty much enter at your own risk at this point.
Sitting down in my chair I can't help the loud and frustrated sigh that escapes my lips. Back to work, the report has to get finished and the sooner I do the quicker I can get to the gym and get rid of some of this energy.
Rabb's POV*** 'Wow', something is definitely up with Mac. I haven't seen her this restless since... Have I ever seen her this antsy? I don't think I have. This is different than her pissed off marine mode. There is a touch of anger in there, but mostly I can tell she is frustrated about something. I'm her best friend and I want to help, but the look she just gave everyone was definitely not a hello, come on in sort of thing. She just closed her door and I'm thinking I better wait a few. Ok, I'm being a coward but I don't like having Mac yell at me. And besides, I do need to finish a pre- trial motion. Sitting down to my desk I watch as Webb makes a beeline for the Admiral's office. I can't help but groan wondering why he is here. I'm sure the admiral will be calling me into his office any moment now. Mac and I always have to bail Webb out of some sort of jam. Though to be fair, he has helped us out more than once.
The opening of Mac's door brings my attention to her as she walks straight for the admiral's office. Not even a glance in my direction. Hmm, wonder why he hasn't called me in yet. Better ask Tiner just to make sure he didn't forget to ask me to come in.
"Tiner, did the Admiral need to see me as well?"
Tiner looks a little nervous. "Uh no sir. He specifically asked for Colonel Mackenzie and no one else."
"Oh, ok." I wander back to my desk and wonder what the hell is going on in there? Why would he need Mac and not me? The idea doesn't set well, but maybe he just needs me later and has to talk with Mac first.
I'm sitting here at my desk and I realize it's been 2 hours since Mac went into the Admiral's office. I'm starting to get frustrated and maybe a bit worried that I haven't been called in for the meeting. Just as I get up to get a cup of coffee I hear the office door open and Webb and Mac walk out together. He follows her to her office and I barely hear something about needing a decision tomorrow afternoon. I study the look on Clay's face as he exits, but you hardly ever see anything other than his CIA issued smirk. Turning my attention to Mac I realize that her earlier mood has been completely replaced. She is standing at her window and somewhere in the back of my mind I realize she looks beautiful framed in the soft light of the sunset. I walk to her door and knock softly, not wanting to startle her. No response. Knocking louder, I watch the almost subdued yet tense lines of her body.
"Mac?" still no response. Moving towards her I place my hand on her shoulder and she whirls around ready to deck me.
"Harm! Don't sneak up on me like that."
"Mac, I knocked twice and called your name."
"Oh, Sorry, I was thinking." She turns away from me again and seems to almost immediately forget I'm in the room.
"You want to talk about it?"
She turns back to me and seems to think about it, but then gives me a half smile that never quite reaches her eyes. "Sorry, it's a Webb thing. You know how it goes." Sighing she drops herself into her chair and rubs her temples.
The alarm bells are going off in my head. "Mac, Webb wants you for a mission?" Her half nod is enough to really get me worrying. "Is that what you're supposed to tell him tomorrow. Whether or not you'll accept it?"
Another half nod and she turns again to face the window. "Are you going to accept it?"
She looks at me and seems to be almost waiting for something from me. "Honestly, I don't know Harm. It kind of depends." Now she's looking at me again and I feel like she's definitely waiting for me to do something.
"Colonel, a minute please. Alone." Admiral Chegwidden is standing at her door staring at me. That's definitely my cue to go back to my office. I watch as he enters and shuts her door wondering more than ever what is going on.
Mac's POV***
"Mac, I know you feel pressured by what Webb told you. Just remember that this assignment is voluntary and I will not think any less of you if you don't take it. In fact, I'd almost rather you didn't." He says the last part almost too quiet to be heard.
I raise my eyes to his and see his concern and something else. Fear. Not for himself but for me. Damn it. I guess I'm getting what I wanted. This just seems to be a little more than I was hoping for. I wanted some excitement, but not necessarily of the kind I'll be signing up for if I agree. There was a time when I would have been upset that he didn't want me to take it, but I know he trusts me to do the job.
"Thank you, Sir. I feel like I should take it. I swore an oath to protect this country, regardless of what the price might be. I just.." my words trail off as I lose the ability to voice my fears. I've been in danger before, but nothing that would require this much of me. I'm a little scared of the possible repercussions of accepting Webb's latest mission. It won't be short and it's guaranteed to be tricky. I raise my eyes to my CO's once again and try to express what I can't say. I see his understanding and I watch as he struggles with what to tell me.
"Mac, I meant what I said. Truthfully, I'm not so sure this is your battle to fight given the circumstances. But, I trust you to make your own decision on this. Just think long and hard before you say yes."
"Yes, sir." I watch as he walks out my door. Turning back he adds one more thing.
"Would you like to take tomorrow off to make a decision?"
I consider his offer, but shake my head. "No, but thank you, Sir." He turns again and I can see Harm staring curiously at me. His features carry some concern, but mostly I think he's irked that he wasn't invited to the party. I know that I need to do some major downplaying with Harm. Otherwise he is going to give me grief non-stop that he won't be there to watch my six. My mind is almost made up already. I have never walked away from an assignment, and even though this one is more of a request.. Well, my sense of duty is too strong to let me say no. I watch Harm approach and I have to fight myself. I want so badly to confide in him and have him tell me that he doesn't want me to go. But, I can't. It wouldn't be right. There is a part of me that wants to make the decision based on where I am or am not with Harm. But, I really have no idea where I stand with him.
"Hey flyboy." I give him my biggest smile and I watch as a bit of confusion flashes across his handsome face. He plops himself down in my chair and starts to scrutinize me with his look that is usually reserved for cross-examining a particularly reluctant witness.
"Mac, what's going on?"
Damn, this will not go well if I don't distract him and fast. Giving him my best nonchalant shrug, "Nothing. Webb just needs my language skills more than anything. And that was telling you too much." As he opens his mouth and narrows his eyes I'm starting to get desperate. "Really, its no big deal. Hey, you still owe me dinner for when I kicked your six on the Macyntire case." I manage to rush out. Ok, he gets that look and I know he's onto me, but he lets it go for a minute and I feel a rush of relief. Wait, did I just suggest we do something alone where he can really grill me? Talk about out of the pan and into the fire.
He realizes it too and just sort of grins at me. "Yeah, how about pizza and a movie."
I have just postponed the inevitable, but this will give me a little time to regroup. "Only if half is loaded with the good stuff." I flash him a smile back. "How about 1930 at my place."
"Ok" he agrees and gets up to go to his office.
I've got to hurry if I'm going to get anything done tonight before he arrives. I grab my things and race out to my car. Safely on the road, my mind starts to drift over the mission and what I am going to do. It will be an undercover role for me. But I'll be relatively isolated from any contacts and that is part of what makes it so dangerous. There won't be anyone there to watch my six if things go south. And the fact that I'll be undercover in Iraq adds to my concern. I know the Admiral said this wasn't my mess to take care of, and I know that's true. But, if someone doesn't get on the inside of this operation and stop the weapons from getting to Bin Laden's group we will have a lot of dead Americans. And although it is a CIA op, I swore an oath to protect my country. I can't turn my back on this. I won't. I realize my decision is already made. I just need to know a few things about Harm and I before I leave. It will be better than writing a letter that he might have to end up reading.
It's almost 1930 and I just manage to slip into jeans and a v-neck t-shirt as I hear Harm at the door. Opening the door I am faced with his full flyboy grin and the heavenly aroma of hot pizza. Looking at Harm, I'm not sure which is more edible looking. Him or the pizza?
"So, what movie did ya get?" I smile as I grab the pizza and motion for him to follow me into the kitchen.
"Mission Impossible 2"
Harm knows I love of all the cool techno gadgets in that movie. "Good choice flyboy." Handing out two plates I grab some water bottles from the fridge and try to avoid the look he is giving me. "Come on. We have to get the movie started or we won't have time to watch it." I don't wait for an answer as I lead him into the front room. I have to keep something distracting him otherwise I'm going to get the third degree.
I have to laugh to myself as I watch Mac scurry around trying to keep me from asking her what is going on. Not for the first time I notice how good she looks in just jeans and a t-shirt. Hmmm, especially a t-shirt that dips a little low in the front. I find myself wondering what the skin at the v of her shirt feels like. It looks so soft and inviting. I don't have time to wonder much longer as I look up and find myself busted. She has that funny half smirk mixed with curiosity at what has my attention. My mind drifts back to a similar time and look on a beach in Sydney as she sat with Mic when I was trying to figure out if she was topless.
"Uh, yeah. Lets get the movie started." I offer lamely and hope she doesn't pursue it.
We both get comfortable on the couch as she gets the movie started. It's about a half hour in that we have finished the pizza and she starts to lean back against the couch, trying to get comfortable. I want to tell her to use me as a pillow, but I'm chicken. Things have been good between us and I don't want to mess it up. I love having my best friend back and I'm not ready to chance it just yet. Soon, but not yet. A voice in the back of my head tells me that 'not yet' seems to have become my motto with her. I shrug it off and turn my attention back to the movie.
Another half hour in and I notice she is getting sleepy. My mind must have been distracted because my arm reaches over to pull her into me. She sighs a little as she snuggles up and I'm instantly more content. I breathe in the scent from her hair and touch the softness of it. I look down and find myself wondering again what her skin feels like, just at the top of her breast. I'm saved from my ponderings as an action scene starts in the movie and I turn my attention back to that.
The movie's credits end and I'm glad I held onto the remote as I turn the TV and VCR off. She's sleeping soundly in my arms and I feel like I could stay like this forever. Her mouth is turned up just a bit in a half smile and I wonder what she is dreaming about. Once again, my body reacts before my mind has a chance to stop it. I reach out to caress the line of her jaw and move my fingers to trace her bottom lip. I can barely feel the soft tickle of her breath as she sighs at my touch. Her lips feel so soft, so inviting. I want so badly to taste her again. My hand moves down to allow my fingers to lightly caress a path from her jaw, down her neck, and slowly down the open expanse of skin created by the v in her t-shirt. I hear her moan as my fingers trail across her skin. I can feel my breathing become ragged as I continue to touch her.
"Harm." The whisper of my name brings my eyes back to her face. The desire in her deep chocolate eyes fuels my own need to touch her, but I hesitate knowing this will change things between us.
Mac's POV**
His touch slowly teases me out of my sleep. As he stares back at me I feel a rush of heat race through my body. He seems to be waiting for me now and I answer the only way I know how. I raise my mouth to his and his tongue teases at the seam of my lips. Opening my mouth, he slips his tongue inside and I moan at the sensation.
My body is on fire as caresses me, running his hands over my skin. Somewhere in my mind I wonder if I knew it would be this incredible? The feeling of his hands on me is intoxicating, but I need more. I need more of his skin touching mine. I break our kiss just long enough to straddle him, giving me better access to the bottom of his shirt. I hear his groan of pleasure as I slip my hands underneath and touch his flushed skin. Moving the bottom of his shirt up, we break contact once again as he lifts it over his head. His mouth finds mine and our tongues tease each other. He suddenly pulls away from me and I groan at the loss of contact.
"Sarah, you're so beautiful." The look in his eyes and his declaration touch something inside me and I have to hold the tears back. I have waited so long for him to look at me this way. I was starting to think it would never happen, and right now I can't imagine being happier. I move closer and offer myself to him. Somewhere in the back of my mind I can hear my cell phone ringing. I'm not going to get it of course. There is no way I am going to interrupt what is finally happening between us.
Damn, now my home phone is ringing. Someone really wants to get a hold of me. I see the question in his eyes, but I shake my head.
"Colonel Mackenzie. I need to talk to you as soon as you get this message. Call me ASAP!" Great! My CO's voice barking at me from the answering machine in my kitchen is definitely a mood killer. We both jump at his voice, acting like two guilty teenagers getting caught by their parents.
"Damn". I can't help but be really mad at the Admiral right now. My breathing is still heavy from what we were doing and I can hear Harm struggling for control as well. I lean back on the couch and close my eyes wishing we could have finished what we started. I hear Harm rustling around for his shirt and my heart sinks a little. An uncomfortable tension starts to fill the room and I am suddenly afraid that Harm is regretting what just happened. He won't look at me and I get the feeling he is about to run.
"Stay." I command more than anything. "I need to call the Admiral back and then we need to talk." His response is to pace distractedly while staring out my window.
I walk into the privacy of my bedroom and phone the Admiral back. He relates a new wrinkle in Webb's mission and explains that he needs my decision now. I know I've already decided to accept it, but I struggle some to say the words and make it final. "Yes, sir."
The silence on the phone is deafening. "You're sure about this, Mac?" His gentle voice is almost my undoing as I realize again that he is scared for me.
"Yes, sir. I have to. You know that."
"I never thought you wouldn't, Mac." His next statement returns him to the in charge Admiral that he is. "We'll reassign your cases first thing in the morning and then you'll leave at 1130 tomorrow. Webb says he has everything you need and not to make sure you don't bring anything personal. No pictures or anything. Make us proud and come back safely." His statement to come back safely is more of an order than anything and I have to smile as he breaks the connection.
Rabb's POV*** 'What have I done? I didn't mean to let things happen like that with Mac. I curse myself as I realize that I have let my hormones jeopardize the most important relationship in my life. The feeling of her in my arms was just too much. My mind races for some way to get me out of this mess. I rationalize that Mac was certainly a willing partner, but that isn't really the problem. The problem is that I am still not ready to 'let go' yet. I'm not ready to start on more. We're still getting back to our friendship. Ok, maybe that's not true. I think we have our friendship back on track and have for a few months now.
I'm still standing at her window when I hear her come back into the room.
"Harm, talk to me." Her voice is full of fear as I keep my back to her. She's closer now; I can smell her next to me. Her arm snakes around my waist and I immediately tense thinking she wants to start where we left off. Part of me wants that, but I know it would be more of a mistake than anything else I might do tonight.
I feel her pull back at my reaction and I know I've just hurt her again. I turn to look at her and the pain and fear in her eyes is overwhelming. I struggle for my words, to make her understand how much I do care.
"Mac, you know I care about you. You're my best friend, but we're not ready for this yet." If it's possible my words seem to cause more pain. "I'm sorry I let things go so far. I shouldn't have done that." Damn, I seem to be on a roll as she visibly flinches at my last statement.
"You think this was a mistake?" her words are barely audible.
Once again I completely miss her real question and blow it all to hell with my next statement. "Yeah, Mac. Don't you? We've just gotten our friendship back. This isn't the time to be moving forward with... this."
All I can focus on is that he is once again rejecting me. How can he possibly feel like what we just shared was a mistake? I felt closer to him than I ever have before. It felt so right, so perfect. The words 'best friend' are tearing at my heart.
"Am I ever going to be more than just your best friend, Harm?" the words come out laced with bitterness and anger. I can see the confusion on his face. Ok, I'm going to spell this out this time. "Harm, I am ready to move forward with 'this' now. I've been ready, but I'm starting to think that you never will." I am starting to raise my voice at him as my anger starts to take over.
"Things have been good between us, Mac. Why can't that be enough for you for right now? Why are you pushing this?" He throws this back at me and I can see this is starting to go downhill fast.
"Harm, that's exactly why I want to move forward. Things have been good between us. After tonight I know you're at least not repulsed by me. So what is the problem? What is holding you back?"
I watch as he turns away from me. "Mac, there's so much to lose if this doesn't work out. Things are just so complicated between us. You want me to just make a decision as if it's the easiest thing in the world to do, but it isn't."
Damn him. I don't have to ask what he is afraid of losing. He still can't let go of his career, flying, or his precious freedom. I still rank lower than all those things in his life. The realization hits me and I have to sit down. I just got my answer whether or not he knows it. I hold back the tears as I realize that he will never be ready to 'let go'. At least not with me. Surely he would have been able to by now if it were going to work between us.
"Maybe we need some time apart, Harm. I told you before that I was sick of this dance and I asked you then what you were willing to give up to have me. I didn't get an answer then, but I guess I have my answer now." I look up to see the confusion in his eyes, mixed with pain. "Harm, I can't do this anymore. I can't keep waiting and hoping that some day you will be willing to put me first in your life. I'm tired of waiting; I just can't do it anymore."
All I hear is that she is ending it between us because she doesn't want to wait for me. I did answer on that damn carrier when she asked but once again she didn't stick around to find out. Everything has to be on her timetable or not at all. I know I should walk out now, but my anger roots me firmly in place. "You talk about being willing to give things up, but you're not willing to give me the time I need. It's always about what you want and when you want it. What about me? Why should I drop everything for you, Mac?" I see her eyes narrow in anger and I know I should stop here but I don't. "I tell you not yet and you're ready to walk away from it all, again? Just like you did in Sydney. Who are you going to run to now, Mac? Who are you going to try and make me jealous with this time?" My words come out in a taunting sneer.
"You son of a bitch." She stands up and slaps me hard. The stinging on my face shocks me. I realize suddenly what I've just done and said. The look on her face scares me.
"Get out." Her tone is ice cold.
"Mac..."
"Get out, now." She walks over to the door and opens it waiting for me to leave. I try to make eye contact with her but she refuses.
I try one more time to get her to talk to me. "Mac, I shouldn't have said that last part. Let's talk tomorrow when we're calmer." I watch as a single tear makes its way down her face. Her response is to shove me out the door and slam it in my face. Damn it, why did she have to push me on this, now. Why can't she give me more time? I stomp off down the hall; once again feeling vindicated in my anger.
As I hear him leave cursing, my anger evaporates as I realize the repercussions of tonight. Harmon Rabb Jr, will never be able to put me first in his life. My hope that he would finally be able to give me more than friendship just got shot to hell. I sag against the door and slide to the floor as I dissolve into tears. I'm not sure how long I cried, but at some point I realize I have to get ready to leave tomorrow. I'm suddenly thankful for Webb's escapade, despite the possible outcomes. I won't have time to think about Harm on this mission and I won't be around him or anything that reminds me of him.
END CHAPTER 1
Setting & Spoilers: Bud never lost his leg. Otherwise, consider any other episode spoiled.
Summary: Mac is getting antsy and anxious for more in her relationship with Harm. He's still being a big chicken and screws up with her again! Throw a Webb mission in the mix and we got lots of angst! Do they end up together?? Read and find out. ;0)
1630 JAG HQ
Lt. Colonel Mackenzie's Office
I'm sitting here doing my damnedest to finish this report on the Harlen investigation, but I can't seem to concentrate on it. Lately, I have just felt restless and uneasy. Its either a premonition of some sort that something big is about to come into my life, which usually means my orderly and mundane existence is about to get shot to hell, or it's the fact that I feel my life is going nowhere and fast. It's probably the latter given my 'situation' with Harm. Sure, we've gotten back to a friendship after Mic and Renee went their separate ways, but it's been 6 months since that night in Afghanistan. That night was the first time in a long while that gave me hope that maybe Harm wanted to move our friendship up a notch or two. He was so sweet as he pulled me to him to 'share body heat'. For a moment he let his guard down and I could see the desire and concern for me in his beautiful eyes. But then the damn bombs had to start dropping and we were lucky to make it out alive.
And ever since then I've been stuck in 'best friend' status. I know my restleness is translating into some irritability with those around me. I'm trying not to let it affect my work, but it's hard given that part of my frustration is walking around all day at work. I need something to get me away from here, but I don't think a vacation will do it. I'm craving danger and excitement like I never have before. Something to make me feel alive; like I am doing something really worthwhile. I know that my job is important as a JAG lawyer, and I love it... But the paperwork and tedium of trials can wear on you after awhile. Hey, I'm a kickass marine and I need to be out actually fighting the bad guys every once in a while.
I notice absently that I am pacing my office like a madwoman and I think I've been talking out loud since I have seemed to attract an audience outside my office. I give one glare to the onlookers and can't help but smirk as they all scatter trying to pretend that they're doing something other than stare at me. I see Harm eyeing my office with some trepidation and I decide to help him out with his decision. Moving to the door I shut it and close my blinds. Its pretty much enter at your own risk at this point.
Sitting down in my chair I can't help the loud and frustrated sigh that escapes my lips. Back to work, the report has to get finished and the sooner I do the quicker I can get to the gym and get rid of some of this energy.
Rabb's POV*** 'Wow', something is definitely up with Mac. I haven't seen her this restless since... Have I ever seen her this antsy? I don't think I have. This is different than her pissed off marine mode. There is a touch of anger in there, but mostly I can tell she is frustrated about something. I'm her best friend and I want to help, but the look she just gave everyone was definitely not a hello, come on in sort of thing. She just closed her door and I'm thinking I better wait a few. Ok, I'm being a coward but I don't like having Mac yell at me. And besides, I do need to finish a pre- trial motion. Sitting down to my desk I watch as Webb makes a beeline for the Admiral's office. I can't help but groan wondering why he is here. I'm sure the admiral will be calling me into his office any moment now. Mac and I always have to bail Webb out of some sort of jam. Though to be fair, he has helped us out more than once.
The opening of Mac's door brings my attention to her as she walks straight for the admiral's office. Not even a glance in my direction. Hmm, wonder why he hasn't called me in yet. Better ask Tiner just to make sure he didn't forget to ask me to come in.
"Tiner, did the Admiral need to see me as well?"
Tiner looks a little nervous. "Uh no sir. He specifically asked for Colonel Mackenzie and no one else."
"Oh, ok." I wander back to my desk and wonder what the hell is going on in there? Why would he need Mac and not me? The idea doesn't set well, but maybe he just needs me later and has to talk with Mac first.
I'm sitting here at my desk and I realize it's been 2 hours since Mac went into the Admiral's office. I'm starting to get frustrated and maybe a bit worried that I haven't been called in for the meeting. Just as I get up to get a cup of coffee I hear the office door open and Webb and Mac walk out together. He follows her to her office and I barely hear something about needing a decision tomorrow afternoon. I study the look on Clay's face as he exits, but you hardly ever see anything other than his CIA issued smirk. Turning my attention to Mac I realize that her earlier mood has been completely replaced. She is standing at her window and somewhere in the back of my mind I realize she looks beautiful framed in the soft light of the sunset. I walk to her door and knock softly, not wanting to startle her. No response. Knocking louder, I watch the almost subdued yet tense lines of her body.
"Mac?" still no response. Moving towards her I place my hand on her shoulder and she whirls around ready to deck me.
"Harm! Don't sneak up on me like that."
"Mac, I knocked twice and called your name."
"Oh, Sorry, I was thinking." She turns away from me again and seems to almost immediately forget I'm in the room.
"You want to talk about it?"
She turns back to me and seems to think about it, but then gives me a half smile that never quite reaches her eyes. "Sorry, it's a Webb thing. You know how it goes." Sighing she drops herself into her chair and rubs her temples.
The alarm bells are going off in my head. "Mac, Webb wants you for a mission?" Her half nod is enough to really get me worrying. "Is that what you're supposed to tell him tomorrow. Whether or not you'll accept it?"
Another half nod and she turns again to face the window. "Are you going to accept it?"
She looks at me and seems to be almost waiting for something from me. "Honestly, I don't know Harm. It kind of depends." Now she's looking at me again and I feel like she's definitely waiting for me to do something.
"Colonel, a minute please. Alone." Admiral Chegwidden is standing at her door staring at me. That's definitely my cue to go back to my office. I watch as he enters and shuts her door wondering more than ever what is going on.
Mac's POV***
"Mac, I know you feel pressured by what Webb told you. Just remember that this assignment is voluntary and I will not think any less of you if you don't take it. In fact, I'd almost rather you didn't." He says the last part almost too quiet to be heard.
I raise my eyes to his and see his concern and something else. Fear. Not for himself but for me. Damn it. I guess I'm getting what I wanted. This just seems to be a little more than I was hoping for. I wanted some excitement, but not necessarily of the kind I'll be signing up for if I agree. There was a time when I would have been upset that he didn't want me to take it, but I know he trusts me to do the job.
"Thank you, Sir. I feel like I should take it. I swore an oath to protect this country, regardless of what the price might be. I just.." my words trail off as I lose the ability to voice my fears. I've been in danger before, but nothing that would require this much of me. I'm a little scared of the possible repercussions of accepting Webb's latest mission. It won't be short and it's guaranteed to be tricky. I raise my eyes to my CO's once again and try to express what I can't say. I see his understanding and I watch as he struggles with what to tell me.
"Mac, I meant what I said. Truthfully, I'm not so sure this is your battle to fight given the circumstances. But, I trust you to make your own decision on this. Just think long and hard before you say yes."
"Yes, sir." I watch as he walks out my door. Turning back he adds one more thing.
"Would you like to take tomorrow off to make a decision?"
I consider his offer, but shake my head. "No, but thank you, Sir." He turns again and I can see Harm staring curiously at me. His features carry some concern, but mostly I think he's irked that he wasn't invited to the party. I know that I need to do some major downplaying with Harm. Otherwise he is going to give me grief non-stop that he won't be there to watch my six. My mind is almost made up already. I have never walked away from an assignment, and even though this one is more of a request.. Well, my sense of duty is too strong to let me say no. I watch Harm approach and I have to fight myself. I want so badly to confide in him and have him tell me that he doesn't want me to go. But, I can't. It wouldn't be right. There is a part of me that wants to make the decision based on where I am or am not with Harm. But, I really have no idea where I stand with him.
"Hey flyboy." I give him my biggest smile and I watch as a bit of confusion flashes across his handsome face. He plops himself down in my chair and starts to scrutinize me with his look that is usually reserved for cross-examining a particularly reluctant witness.
"Mac, what's going on?"
Damn, this will not go well if I don't distract him and fast. Giving him my best nonchalant shrug, "Nothing. Webb just needs my language skills more than anything. And that was telling you too much." As he opens his mouth and narrows his eyes I'm starting to get desperate. "Really, its no big deal. Hey, you still owe me dinner for when I kicked your six on the Macyntire case." I manage to rush out. Ok, he gets that look and I know he's onto me, but he lets it go for a minute and I feel a rush of relief. Wait, did I just suggest we do something alone where he can really grill me? Talk about out of the pan and into the fire.
He realizes it too and just sort of grins at me. "Yeah, how about pizza and a movie."
I have just postponed the inevitable, but this will give me a little time to regroup. "Only if half is loaded with the good stuff." I flash him a smile back. "How about 1930 at my place."
"Ok" he agrees and gets up to go to his office.
I've got to hurry if I'm going to get anything done tonight before he arrives. I grab my things and race out to my car. Safely on the road, my mind starts to drift over the mission and what I am going to do. It will be an undercover role for me. But I'll be relatively isolated from any contacts and that is part of what makes it so dangerous. There won't be anyone there to watch my six if things go south. And the fact that I'll be undercover in Iraq adds to my concern. I know the Admiral said this wasn't my mess to take care of, and I know that's true. But, if someone doesn't get on the inside of this operation and stop the weapons from getting to Bin Laden's group we will have a lot of dead Americans. And although it is a CIA op, I swore an oath to protect my country. I can't turn my back on this. I won't. I realize my decision is already made. I just need to know a few things about Harm and I before I leave. It will be better than writing a letter that he might have to end up reading.
It's almost 1930 and I just manage to slip into jeans and a v-neck t-shirt as I hear Harm at the door. Opening the door I am faced with his full flyboy grin and the heavenly aroma of hot pizza. Looking at Harm, I'm not sure which is more edible looking. Him or the pizza?
"So, what movie did ya get?" I smile as I grab the pizza and motion for him to follow me into the kitchen.
"Mission Impossible 2"
Harm knows I love of all the cool techno gadgets in that movie. "Good choice flyboy." Handing out two plates I grab some water bottles from the fridge and try to avoid the look he is giving me. "Come on. We have to get the movie started or we won't have time to watch it." I don't wait for an answer as I lead him into the front room. I have to keep something distracting him otherwise I'm going to get the third degree.
I have to laugh to myself as I watch Mac scurry around trying to keep me from asking her what is going on. Not for the first time I notice how good she looks in just jeans and a t-shirt. Hmmm, especially a t-shirt that dips a little low in the front. I find myself wondering what the skin at the v of her shirt feels like. It looks so soft and inviting. I don't have time to wonder much longer as I look up and find myself busted. She has that funny half smirk mixed with curiosity at what has my attention. My mind drifts back to a similar time and look on a beach in Sydney as she sat with Mic when I was trying to figure out if she was topless.
"Uh, yeah. Lets get the movie started." I offer lamely and hope she doesn't pursue it.
We both get comfortable on the couch as she gets the movie started. It's about a half hour in that we have finished the pizza and she starts to lean back against the couch, trying to get comfortable. I want to tell her to use me as a pillow, but I'm chicken. Things have been good between us and I don't want to mess it up. I love having my best friend back and I'm not ready to chance it just yet. Soon, but not yet. A voice in the back of my head tells me that 'not yet' seems to have become my motto with her. I shrug it off and turn my attention back to the movie.
Another half hour in and I notice she is getting sleepy. My mind must have been distracted because my arm reaches over to pull her into me. She sighs a little as she snuggles up and I'm instantly more content. I breathe in the scent from her hair and touch the softness of it. I look down and find myself wondering again what her skin feels like, just at the top of her breast. I'm saved from my ponderings as an action scene starts in the movie and I turn my attention back to that.
The movie's credits end and I'm glad I held onto the remote as I turn the TV and VCR off. She's sleeping soundly in my arms and I feel like I could stay like this forever. Her mouth is turned up just a bit in a half smile and I wonder what she is dreaming about. Once again, my body reacts before my mind has a chance to stop it. I reach out to caress the line of her jaw and move my fingers to trace her bottom lip. I can barely feel the soft tickle of her breath as she sighs at my touch. Her lips feel so soft, so inviting. I want so badly to taste her again. My hand moves down to allow my fingers to lightly caress a path from her jaw, down her neck, and slowly down the open expanse of skin created by the v in her t-shirt. I hear her moan as my fingers trail across her skin. I can feel my breathing become ragged as I continue to touch her.
"Harm." The whisper of my name brings my eyes back to her face. The desire in her deep chocolate eyes fuels my own need to touch her, but I hesitate knowing this will change things between us.
Mac's POV**
His touch slowly teases me out of my sleep. As he stares back at me I feel a rush of heat race through my body. He seems to be waiting for me now and I answer the only way I know how. I raise my mouth to his and his tongue teases at the seam of my lips. Opening my mouth, he slips his tongue inside and I moan at the sensation.
My body is on fire as caresses me, running his hands over my skin. Somewhere in my mind I wonder if I knew it would be this incredible? The feeling of his hands on me is intoxicating, but I need more. I need more of his skin touching mine. I break our kiss just long enough to straddle him, giving me better access to the bottom of his shirt. I hear his groan of pleasure as I slip my hands underneath and touch his flushed skin. Moving the bottom of his shirt up, we break contact once again as he lifts it over his head. His mouth finds mine and our tongues tease each other. He suddenly pulls away from me and I groan at the loss of contact.
"Sarah, you're so beautiful." The look in his eyes and his declaration touch something inside me and I have to hold the tears back. I have waited so long for him to look at me this way. I was starting to think it would never happen, and right now I can't imagine being happier. I move closer and offer myself to him. Somewhere in the back of my mind I can hear my cell phone ringing. I'm not going to get it of course. There is no way I am going to interrupt what is finally happening between us.
Damn, now my home phone is ringing. Someone really wants to get a hold of me. I see the question in his eyes, but I shake my head.
"Colonel Mackenzie. I need to talk to you as soon as you get this message. Call me ASAP!" Great! My CO's voice barking at me from the answering machine in my kitchen is definitely a mood killer. We both jump at his voice, acting like two guilty teenagers getting caught by their parents.
"Damn". I can't help but be really mad at the Admiral right now. My breathing is still heavy from what we were doing and I can hear Harm struggling for control as well. I lean back on the couch and close my eyes wishing we could have finished what we started. I hear Harm rustling around for his shirt and my heart sinks a little. An uncomfortable tension starts to fill the room and I am suddenly afraid that Harm is regretting what just happened. He won't look at me and I get the feeling he is about to run.
"Stay." I command more than anything. "I need to call the Admiral back and then we need to talk." His response is to pace distractedly while staring out my window.
I walk into the privacy of my bedroom and phone the Admiral back. He relates a new wrinkle in Webb's mission and explains that he needs my decision now. I know I've already decided to accept it, but I struggle some to say the words and make it final. "Yes, sir."
The silence on the phone is deafening. "You're sure about this, Mac?" His gentle voice is almost my undoing as I realize again that he is scared for me.
"Yes, sir. I have to. You know that."
"I never thought you wouldn't, Mac." His next statement returns him to the in charge Admiral that he is. "We'll reassign your cases first thing in the morning and then you'll leave at 1130 tomorrow. Webb says he has everything you need and not to make sure you don't bring anything personal. No pictures or anything. Make us proud and come back safely." His statement to come back safely is more of an order than anything and I have to smile as he breaks the connection.
Rabb's POV*** 'What have I done? I didn't mean to let things happen like that with Mac. I curse myself as I realize that I have let my hormones jeopardize the most important relationship in my life. The feeling of her in my arms was just too much. My mind races for some way to get me out of this mess. I rationalize that Mac was certainly a willing partner, but that isn't really the problem. The problem is that I am still not ready to 'let go' yet. I'm not ready to start on more. We're still getting back to our friendship. Ok, maybe that's not true. I think we have our friendship back on track and have for a few months now.
I'm still standing at her window when I hear her come back into the room.
"Harm, talk to me." Her voice is full of fear as I keep my back to her. She's closer now; I can smell her next to me. Her arm snakes around my waist and I immediately tense thinking she wants to start where we left off. Part of me wants that, but I know it would be more of a mistake than anything else I might do tonight.
I feel her pull back at my reaction and I know I've just hurt her again. I turn to look at her and the pain and fear in her eyes is overwhelming. I struggle for my words, to make her understand how much I do care.
"Mac, you know I care about you. You're my best friend, but we're not ready for this yet." If it's possible my words seem to cause more pain. "I'm sorry I let things go so far. I shouldn't have done that." Damn, I seem to be on a roll as she visibly flinches at my last statement.
"You think this was a mistake?" her words are barely audible.
Once again I completely miss her real question and blow it all to hell with my next statement. "Yeah, Mac. Don't you? We've just gotten our friendship back. This isn't the time to be moving forward with... this."
All I can focus on is that he is once again rejecting me. How can he possibly feel like what we just shared was a mistake? I felt closer to him than I ever have before. It felt so right, so perfect. The words 'best friend' are tearing at my heart.
"Am I ever going to be more than just your best friend, Harm?" the words come out laced with bitterness and anger. I can see the confusion on his face. Ok, I'm going to spell this out this time. "Harm, I am ready to move forward with 'this' now. I've been ready, but I'm starting to think that you never will." I am starting to raise my voice at him as my anger starts to take over.
"Things have been good between us, Mac. Why can't that be enough for you for right now? Why are you pushing this?" He throws this back at me and I can see this is starting to go downhill fast.
"Harm, that's exactly why I want to move forward. Things have been good between us. After tonight I know you're at least not repulsed by me. So what is the problem? What is holding you back?"
I watch as he turns away from me. "Mac, there's so much to lose if this doesn't work out. Things are just so complicated between us. You want me to just make a decision as if it's the easiest thing in the world to do, but it isn't."
Damn him. I don't have to ask what he is afraid of losing. He still can't let go of his career, flying, or his precious freedom. I still rank lower than all those things in his life. The realization hits me and I have to sit down. I just got my answer whether or not he knows it. I hold back the tears as I realize that he will never be ready to 'let go'. At least not with me. Surely he would have been able to by now if it were going to work between us.
"Maybe we need some time apart, Harm. I told you before that I was sick of this dance and I asked you then what you were willing to give up to have me. I didn't get an answer then, but I guess I have my answer now." I look up to see the confusion in his eyes, mixed with pain. "Harm, I can't do this anymore. I can't keep waiting and hoping that some day you will be willing to put me first in your life. I'm tired of waiting; I just can't do it anymore."
All I hear is that she is ending it between us because she doesn't want to wait for me. I did answer on that damn carrier when she asked but once again she didn't stick around to find out. Everything has to be on her timetable or not at all. I know I should walk out now, but my anger roots me firmly in place. "You talk about being willing to give things up, but you're not willing to give me the time I need. It's always about what you want and when you want it. What about me? Why should I drop everything for you, Mac?" I see her eyes narrow in anger and I know I should stop here but I don't. "I tell you not yet and you're ready to walk away from it all, again? Just like you did in Sydney. Who are you going to run to now, Mac? Who are you going to try and make me jealous with this time?" My words come out in a taunting sneer.
"You son of a bitch." She stands up and slaps me hard. The stinging on my face shocks me. I realize suddenly what I've just done and said. The look on her face scares me.
"Get out." Her tone is ice cold.
"Mac..."
"Get out, now." She walks over to the door and opens it waiting for me to leave. I try to make eye contact with her but she refuses.
I try one more time to get her to talk to me. "Mac, I shouldn't have said that last part. Let's talk tomorrow when we're calmer." I watch as a single tear makes its way down her face. Her response is to shove me out the door and slam it in my face. Damn it, why did she have to push me on this, now. Why can't she give me more time? I stomp off down the hall; once again feeling vindicated in my anger.
As I hear him leave cursing, my anger evaporates as I realize the repercussions of tonight. Harmon Rabb Jr, will never be able to put me first in his life. My hope that he would finally be able to give me more than friendship just got shot to hell. I sag against the door and slide to the floor as I dissolve into tears. I'm not sure how long I cried, but at some point I realize I have to get ready to leave tomorrow. I'm suddenly thankful for Webb's escapade, despite the possible outcomes. I won't have time to think about Harm on this mission and I won't be around him or anything that reminds me of him.
END CHAPTER 1