CHAPTER 2: Unfinished Business
See part 1 for disclaimers. Oh, my apologies for any cultural inaccuracies. Chalk it up to poetic license.
0930
JAG HQ
Mac's POV**
I'm sitting here at staff meeting feeling like everything is moving way too fast. The admiral has pulled everyone together so that I can redistribute my cases while giving everyone the basics on where I'm at in each case. Harm and I haven't spoken a word to each other yet. I'm still angry with him, but mostly I'm hurting. He, on the other hand, just seems to be angry with me.
"Dawkins is the last one, sir." I know this one is going to Harm.
"Commander, Rabb. You'll take that one." I watch as he nods mutely.
"Colonel, is there anything I should know on this case." His tone causes more than just a few stares.
"No commander. I updated my notes this morning so that you would have everything you needed." I feel the Admiral's eyes on me at the coolness of my reply to Harm.
"Ma'm. Do you know how long you will be gone?" Harriet breaks the quiet tension in the room.
I turn my eyes to the Admiral's wondering what I can tell her. The details are all classified and I'm not sure I can even tell her that it is really open ended. Seeing my hesitation, the Admiral graciously answers for me.
"No, Lt. Sims. We are not certain of the length of her assignment, though we hope to have her back fairly quickly. The details are classified as you understand." His tone is kind, but effectively cuts off any other questions.
With the meeting completed, Bud and Harriet come up to me to give me hugs. I can see the worry in their eyes. Their kindness is one of the things I love about both of them. As Harm vacates the room and goes directly to his office, I can feel the questioning glances of Bud and Harriet. I try to cover by telling them that he's just pouting because he doesn't get to play commando too. They laugh with me, but I can tell I haven't fooled them.
As I walk back to my office the Admiral motions to me. Following him into his office, I wait for his final instructions. But he just paces in front of me. He again just motions for me to take a seat without saying anything and then he sits down in the chair next to me. As I watch him closely, I can tell he is actually struggling with his emotions. That scares me. He's the admiral and he's always in control.
"Mac, did something happen between you and Rabb that I should know about?"
His question makes me a little uncomfortable. "Not exactly, sir."
I hear him sigh in frustration. "Mac, I'm talking to you as your friend right now. I need to know that you are mentally and emotionally ready for this mission. You can't have any unfinished business holding you back. You have to be completely focused on this mission."
"Sir." He looks at me and frowns.
His gaze is too intense, and I find myself staring out his window. "AJ, last night was about finishing the unfinished business. Something did start to happen between Harm and I last night. You called in the middle of it." I can't help but blush as I remember what we were doing. But the pleasurable memory in my mind is instantly replaced by the sting of his rejection. I can see the confusion on AJ's face.
"Harm decided it was a mistake. I got the answer I've been waiting for. So, there really isn't any unfinished business so to speak." I barely manage to keep my tone purely conversational. I can't afford to have the Admiral decide I'm not emotionally up to this mission. I raise my eyes to his to try to convey my ok'ness with everything.
"Mac."
"AJ, I finally have a direction to move in now. It may not be the answer I wanted, but I have an answer. I'm ready for this mission." I realize that what I just said is true. Knowing is always better than not knowing even though I am hurting like hell.
AJ sighs and gives me one last look. His next action will always remain burned into my memory as he stands up and pulls me into his arms. There was a time when this might have been sexual between us, but now I only feel loving concern from him. I know this kind of display of emotion is rare and difficult for him. That knowledge makes it all the more special to me as I stay in his embrace. As he pulls away, he looks down into my eyes. "Sarah, be safe."
The moment is broken as Tiner buzzes the Admiral's office letting him know the Secnav is holding. I stand back and in another rare moment he salutes me first. Snapping to, I salute him back and leave his office. I rush to my office trying to hide my teary eyes from curious stares. Safely tucked into my office I start to gather just a few odds and ends that need to go home with me. I hear his knock and know its him before I even look up.
"Commander, did you need something?" I try hard not to let my voice waiver as I look around my office for anything else I might need. It hurts so much to look at him.
He pauses long enough for me to know that he's trying to decide what to say. He seems to go for the non-hallmark moment as usual, "I had a question on Dawkins that you didn't put in your notes." I listen to his question and kindly point out that its in page 4 of my notes.
"Oh, sorry. It just looked like you were getting ready to go and I wanted to make sure I was aware of everything."
I nod my understanding and ask if there was anything else. I can see his internal struggle again. He moves to the door and I figure that's the end of it, but then he closes it and comes back to me. "Mac, I want to apologize for what I said about the whole Brumby thing last night."
This man sucks at apologizing. His flyboy pride just won't let him be wrong. "Apology accepted." I raise my eyebrows and wait to see if there is anything more.
"Mac you caught me off-guard last night. I didn't expect you to ask for an answer about us last night." He is walking around my office nervously and I realize the fact that he didn't expect my need for an answer after what happened is half of the problem. A snort of amazement that escapes me.
"After what we shared last night, you didn't expect me to need some assurance that 'we' were going to move forward?" I'm getting angry again with him.
"Mac, I thought we agreed that was a mistake?" I can't help the look of disgust I shoot him.
"No, Harm. You decided it was a mistake." I can see the flash of anger in his eyes and realize I need to stop this now. "Commander, I have a plane to catch and I have a lot to do before I leave. I believe we are both clear on how each other feels and we aren't going to accomplish anything by yelling at each other. We simply need and want different things from each other. Let's leave it at that and move on."
"You're right. I need more time and you don't care enough to give it to me." He turns from me and opens my door abruptly. Turning back he adds flippantly, "Have a nice trip, Colonel."
The Admiral's holler stops me from telling him to go to hell. "Commander! My office, now!" I watch somewhat satisfied, as I know the Admiral is going to lay into him.
As I walk out of the office with my briefcase, I can't help but take a long look around. I know it will probably be at least a few months before I'm back here. I smile as Gunny salutes and gives me a "Semper Fi, Colonel". Showing more courage than I feel I salute him back, square my shoulders, and walk out the doors hoping I can pull this off.
Admiral's Office
Rabb's POV**
I've been standing at attention in front of the Admiral for what seems like forever. Mac could tell me exactly how long down to the seconds, but she's not here with me. He just keeps pacing in front of me, his anger barely contained. Stopping abruptly, he leans into me and I start to wish he had just kept pacing.
"Rabb, what the hell is wrong with you? I expect more professional behavior from one of my top attorneys, but I don't think I've ever met anyone with their head buried so far up their six." Wait, I know he just shifted gears from what I just said to Mac to something else, but I'm not sure where he's going with it. Mac surely never would have said anything to him about last night.
"Sir, the Colonel and I just had a small disagreement on a case. I apologize for my tone with her."
"Bullshit, Rabb. This isn't about a case." I am suddenly very angry with Mac. She must have told him. She had no right. He can obviously read the anger on my face because he gets right back into my face.
"Rabb, I don't know what your problem is, but you could have shown a little concern for what Mac is about to become involved in. As it is you have effectively made it clear to her that you don't give a damn about her. You should know better than anyone how easily things can go wrong."
Now, I'm confused. I realize there is always trouble with Webb's cases but Mac distinctly gave me the impression that this was not a big deal. As I tell myself that I realize just how stupid I've been. That realization is obviously apparent to the Admiral as well because he backs off and sits down in his chair.
"Sir, just what exactly is Mac getting involved with. She led me to believe that it was a very simple, rather uninvolved role that she would be playing."
The admiral snorts his disgust at my naïve statement. "You know I can't give you the details, Rabb." His shift to a somber mood both startles and scares me, but his next words bring my world crashing down around me. "Its not when she's coming back that concerns me, Rabb. It's if she comes back." His words seem to form a noose around my throat and I try to understand what he's saying.
IF she comes back? I fall to the chair in shock. A million thoughts swirling through my head; most of them centered around my cold parting words to Mac. "But why?"
The Admiral seems to take pity on me for my stupidity. "Rabb, you know Mac. Her sense of duty and honor is one of the strongest I have ever seen. Accepting the assignment was completely up to her, but she was the best possible hope of success for this mission and she knew it."
My only instinct at this point is to get to Mac so that I can set things right. So that I can beg her to forgive her, to tell her how I feel. "Sir, I need to..."
The admiral looks at me hearing the desperation in my voice and then looks down at his watch. Shaking his head he looks back out his window. "Its too late, Rabb. She's already gone."
"But, sir. I need to tell her. She has to know how I feel."
"Sorry, Harm. You had your chance. You've had more chances with her than any man has a right to expect." The coldness of his statement is like a slap in the face. I know he's right. I know she waited for me longer than I ever had a right to ask, but I just needed a little bit more time.
I walk numbly to my office, and Mac's words from yesterday haunt me. When I asked her if she was going to accept the mission, she told me that it depended on something. She never said what. I didn't understand at the time, but the realization of it hits me now. She was waiting to see what my answer was last night. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know she probably would have taken the mission even if I had said yes to us. But now I have no way of telling her that I do want 'us' and I have no way of knowing if she'll come back to me. What have I done?
Harriet's POV*******
I'll never understand the Commander. I'm worried about both him and the Colonel. How could he be so cold to her today when she was leaving for who knows how long? The admiral tried to pretend like it was some ordinary mission, but I could see the tension in his face and the Colonel's as well. When Colonel Mackenzie walked out of the Admiral's office she looked like she was about to cry, which is the part that scares me the most. She is the toughest woman I know. I've just watched the Commander walk into his office. Now he looks like he's about to cry and I can't help but wonder what just happened in the Admiral's office. I debate about bothering him, but he looks so lost right now.
"Commander?" He is hunched over his desk with his head in his hands. He isn't openly crying, but I can see the tears on his face as he looks up at me. The scared lost look is intensified now and I find myself closing his door.
"Harriet, what if she doesn't come back? What if I never get to tell her?" His last words are too much as the tears run down his face. I don't know what the Admiral told him, but now I know for certain that the Colonel isn't on any ordinary mission. He turns away from me and I know that if she doesn't come back, we'll lose him too. I try my best to comfort him. "Sir, she knows how you feel about her." My words seem to have the opposite effect as his face contorts with regret.
"Not after last night, Harriet." His words leave me at a complete loss. I don't know what happened last night, but I now understand that the Colonel just left on a mission thinking that the man she loves with all of her heart doesn't love her back.
3 weeks later
Iraq: Sheik Al-Farabi's palace
Mac's POV**
I've been here for three weeks and I've got nothing to show for it. All I know is that I hate wearing these damn burquas, and I can't wait to get back home. I'm starting to think this whole mission has been a wash. Webb placed me into this wealthy Sheik's house because they suspected he was providing the financial backing to aid Bin Laden's group in buying nuclear weapons. And since the suspected sellers are Russian and I understand the language, I was the perfect person for the job. But so far, nothing; except for blatant sexual advances from every male in the household. Actually, if I'm honest with myself I am glad to be able to hide my looks behind this burqua. My cover is that of a poor and uneducated Iranian immigrant who was widowed and has no family to take care of me. This basically translates into being viewed as lower than the hired help, but I need to be invisible.
I've tried to keep Harm out of my mind, but it hasn't been easy. His coldness and the look on his face when he told me to have a nice trip made it clear that I didn't have a future with him. He didn't even show any concern for my safety. I've ever been sure that he loved me, but I always thought he cared for me enough to worry. So much of what I thought I knew about Harm and I seems at odds with how he acted the day I left. It's those discrepancies that I've run through my mind a million times. There were so many times that I swear he felt something for me, but when it came down to it I just wasn't enough for him. And that always brings me to the same answer. Harm never loved me. I was just another in a long line of women that he wanted to keep around to meet his needs. At first I couldn't think about him without crying. Now, I just feel the deep ache and loss inside. In my dreams I can still feel him touching me, his lips against mine. The heat of his tongue as he slips it into my mouth... The memories are still so real that they make me ache with need.
I try to stay focused by practicing my Arabic and Kurdish. Most of my co- workers don't know that since the September 11 attacks I have been learning both of the languages. The 'suggestion' came straight from the President that we focus on training military individuals on the Arabic culture and languages. Of course that made me a prime 'volunteer'. I didn't mind really, since I'm always looking for a chance to increase my language skills.
Most of my time here is spent in some servant capacity. Right now I'm serving food to the men as they meet over matters of their oil wells. There's a new face today. He is young and handsome, probably in his late 20's. He's dressed extremely well and I'll bet he is Sheik Raihan's son. He's been watching me intently and I wonder at what is going through his mind. His attention makes me more than a little uneasy. His friend seems to notice his interest and makes a rather insulting remark towards me. I'm not supposed to understand since they only think I speak Farsi, but I'd like to ram my fist down his throat. The newcomer's response catches me by surprise as he glares at the other and rebukes him for his description of me. I raise my eyes to his and am shocked to see an apology in his eyes for his friends' remark. His eyes, remind me of someone. They are filled with kindness and compassion and I find myself staring a little too long. This doesn't go un-noticed and I watch as he quickly directs the topic of conversation to an agreement between his father and my 'employer' Sheik Al- Farabi that has come under some scrutiny. I spend the next 2 hours serving the men and catch his eyes on me repeatedly. Towards the end of the meeting I hear ranting in the hall and a man barges into the room. Its not his abrupt entrance that excites me but the fact that he is yelling in Russian. I barely catch his name as Sheik Al-Farabi orders him to be quiet. At that point I am excused as are the rest of the men, with the exception of the Russian.
I try to keep myself busy where I can watch for his departure. Finally, he leaves after an hour. I make my excuses that I need to go to the market and follow him into the city as far as possible without raising suspicion. Luckily it isn't long before he goes into a hotel and doesn't come out immediately. Yes, this is the break I am waiting for. Slowly, I make my way back to the market. Pausing at different carts, I try to make a good show of looking for just the right fruits. As I reach my contact, I slide the tiny slip of paper with the man's name and the hotel he is staying at in with the money and take my purchases back to the Sheik's. Now, I have to hope that Webb can pull off the rest. If he's successful, hopefully I can get out of here. Being completely isolated from any backup has me uneasy. For the last week, I've been dreaming that one day I'll just disappear and no one will be able to find me. The thought sends chills down my spine..
Same day
Jag HQ
Harm's office
She's only been gone three weeks, but it feels like a lifetime. I keep expecting to be able to look across the hall and see her working intently at her desk. The attorney assigned temporarily in her place is ok, but nowhere near Mac's abilities. Funny how you notice the little things when they're taken away from you. I've been staring at a picture for the last few minutes that I found last night at my apt. It's a picture of Sergei, Mac, and I taken at a county fair that we took him too. Sergei has the biggest smile on his face, but Mac is just looking at me softly. Her eyes are filled with love and a soft smile graces her features. My chest constricts as I think again of what I have done. What I didn't tell Mac that night was that I was mostly afraid of losing her if we didn't work out. I let her think it was my career or flying, because I was too scared to admit how much the thought of losing her scared me.
Over the last few weeks, I've realized how much she makes me what I am. I'm not sure when she became so tightly woven into the fabric of the man that I am. But if I'm honest, she has been my rock for years. I always thought that it was me taking care of her for the most part. Being there for her during her Article 32 and a dozen other smaller things I have done for her. I sound incredibly arrogant even to myself. While she's gone I'm trying to take a harder look at who I am, so that when she comes back I can give her everything she has ever wanted. I just have to keep praying that she will come back, and that she'll be willing to give me a chance when she does. You could say I am a desperate man, and you would be right.
End Chapter 2
See part 1 for disclaimers. Oh, my apologies for any cultural inaccuracies. Chalk it up to poetic license.
0930
JAG HQ
Mac's POV**
I'm sitting here at staff meeting feeling like everything is moving way too fast. The admiral has pulled everyone together so that I can redistribute my cases while giving everyone the basics on where I'm at in each case. Harm and I haven't spoken a word to each other yet. I'm still angry with him, but mostly I'm hurting. He, on the other hand, just seems to be angry with me.
"Dawkins is the last one, sir." I know this one is going to Harm.
"Commander, Rabb. You'll take that one." I watch as he nods mutely.
"Colonel, is there anything I should know on this case." His tone causes more than just a few stares.
"No commander. I updated my notes this morning so that you would have everything you needed." I feel the Admiral's eyes on me at the coolness of my reply to Harm.
"Ma'm. Do you know how long you will be gone?" Harriet breaks the quiet tension in the room.
I turn my eyes to the Admiral's wondering what I can tell her. The details are all classified and I'm not sure I can even tell her that it is really open ended. Seeing my hesitation, the Admiral graciously answers for me.
"No, Lt. Sims. We are not certain of the length of her assignment, though we hope to have her back fairly quickly. The details are classified as you understand." His tone is kind, but effectively cuts off any other questions.
With the meeting completed, Bud and Harriet come up to me to give me hugs. I can see the worry in their eyes. Their kindness is one of the things I love about both of them. As Harm vacates the room and goes directly to his office, I can feel the questioning glances of Bud and Harriet. I try to cover by telling them that he's just pouting because he doesn't get to play commando too. They laugh with me, but I can tell I haven't fooled them.
As I walk back to my office the Admiral motions to me. Following him into his office, I wait for his final instructions. But he just paces in front of me. He again just motions for me to take a seat without saying anything and then he sits down in the chair next to me. As I watch him closely, I can tell he is actually struggling with his emotions. That scares me. He's the admiral and he's always in control.
"Mac, did something happen between you and Rabb that I should know about?"
His question makes me a little uncomfortable. "Not exactly, sir."
I hear him sigh in frustration. "Mac, I'm talking to you as your friend right now. I need to know that you are mentally and emotionally ready for this mission. You can't have any unfinished business holding you back. You have to be completely focused on this mission."
"Sir." He looks at me and frowns.
His gaze is too intense, and I find myself staring out his window. "AJ, last night was about finishing the unfinished business. Something did start to happen between Harm and I last night. You called in the middle of it." I can't help but blush as I remember what we were doing. But the pleasurable memory in my mind is instantly replaced by the sting of his rejection. I can see the confusion on AJ's face.
"Harm decided it was a mistake. I got the answer I've been waiting for. So, there really isn't any unfinished business so to speak." I barely manage to keep my tone purely conversational. I can't afford to have the Admiral decide I'm not emotionally up to this mission. I raise my eyes to his to try to convey my ok'ness with everything.
"Mac."
"AJ, I finally have a direction to move in now. It may not be the answer I wanted, but I have an answer. I'm ready for this mission." I realize that what I just said is true. Knowing is always better than not knowing even though I am hurting like hell.
AJ sighs and gives me one last look. His next action will always remain burned into my memory as he stands up and pulls me into his arms. There was a time when this might have been sexual between us, but now I only feel loving concern from him. I know this kind of display of emotion is rare and difficult for him. That knowledge makes it all the more special to me as I stay in his embrace. As he pulls away, he looks down into my eyes. "Sarah, be safe."
The moment is broken as Tiner buzzes the Admiral's office letting him know the Secnav is holding. I stand back and in another rare moment he salutes me first. Snapping to, I salute him back and leave his office. I rush to my office trying to hide my teary eyes from curious stares. Safely tucked into my office I start to gather just a few odds and ends that need to go home with me. I hear his knock and know its him before I even look up.
"Commander, did you need something?" I try hard not to let my voice waiver as I look around my office for anything else I might need. It hurts so much to look at him.
He pauses long enough for me to know that he's trying to decide what to say. He seems to go for the non-hallmark moment as usual, "I had a question on Dawkins that you didn't put in your notes." I listen to his question and kindly point out that its in page 4 of my notes.
"Oh, sorry. It just looked like you were getting ready to go and I wanted to make sure I was aware of everything."
I nod my understanding and ask if there was anything else. I can see his internal struggle again. He moves to the door and I figure that's the end of it, but then he closes it and comes back to me. "Mac, I want to apologize for what I said about the whole Brumby thing last night."
This man sucks at apologizing. His flyboy pride just won't let him be wrong. "Apology accepted." I raise my eyebrows and wait to see if there is anything more.
"Mac you caught me off-guard last night. I didn't expect you to ask for an answer about us last night." He is walking around my office nervously and I realize the fact that he didn't expect my need for an answer after what happened is half of the problem. A snort of amazement that escapes me.
"After what we shared last night, you didn't expect me to need some assurance that 'we' were going to move forward?" I'm getting angry again with him.
"Mac, I thought we agreed that was a mistake?" I can't help the look of disgust I shoot him.
"No, Harm. You decided it was a mistake." I can see the flash of anger in his eyes and realize I need to stop this now. "Commander, I have a plane to catch and I have a lot to do before I leave. I believe we are both clear on how each other feels and we aren't going to accomplish anything by yelling at each other. We simply need and want different things from each other. Let's leave it at that and move on."
"You're right. I need more time and you don't care enough to give it to me." He turns from me and opens my door abruptly. Turning back he adds flippantly, "Have a nice trip, Colonel."
The Admiral's holler stops me from telling him to go to hell. "Commander! My office, now!" I watch somewhat satisfied, as I know the Admiral is going to lay into him.
As I walk out of the office with my briefcase, I can't help but take a long look around. I know it will probably be at least a few months before I'm back here. I smile as Gunny salutes and gives me a "Semper Fi, Colonel". Showing more courage than I feel I salute him back, square my shoulders, and walk out the doors hoping I can pull this off.
Admiral's Office
Rabb's POV**
I've been standing at attention in front of the Admiral for what seems like forever. Mac could tell me exactly how long down to the seconds, but she's not here with me. He just keeps pacing in front of me, his anger barely contained. Stopping abruptly, he leans into me and I start to wish he had just kept pacing.
"Rabb, what the hell is wrong with you? I expect more professional behavior from one of my top attorneys, but I don't think I've ever met anyone with their head buried so far up their six." Wait, I know he just shifted gears from what I just said to Mac to something else, but I'm not sure where he's going with it. Mac surely never would have said anything to him about last night.
"Sir, the Colonel and I just had a small disagreement on a case. I apologize for my tone with her."
"Bullshit, Rabb. This isn't about a case." I am suddenly very angry with Mac. She must have told him. She had no right. He can obviously read the anger on my face because he gets right back into my face.
"Rabb, I don't know what your problem is, but you could have shown a little concern for what Mac is about to become involved in. As it is you have effectively made it clear to her that you don't give a damn about her. You should know better than anyone how easily things can go wrong."
Now, I'm confused. I realize there is always trouble with Webb's cases but Mac distinctly gave me the impression that this was not a big deal. As I tell myself that I realize just how stupid I've been. That realization is obviously apparent to the Admiral as well because he backs off and sits down in his chair.
"Sir, just what exactly is Mac getting involved with. She led me to believe that it was a very simple, rather uninvolved role that she would be playing."
The admiral snorts his disgust at my naïve statement. "You know I can't give you the details, Rabb." His shift to a somber mood both startles and scares me, but his next words bring my world crashing down around me. "Its not when she's coming back that concerns me, Rabb. It's if she comes back." His words seem to form a noose around my throat and I try to understand what he's saying.
IF she comes back? I fall to the chair in shock. A million thoughts swirling through my head; most of them centered around my cold parting words to Mac. "But why?"
The Admiral seems to take pity on me for my stupidity. "Rabb, you know Mac. Her sense of duty and honor is one of the strongest I have ever seen. Accepting the assignment was completely up to her, but she was the best possible hope of success for this mission and she knew it."
My only instinct at this point is to get to Mac so that I can set things right. So that I can beg her to forgive her, to tell her how I feel. "Sir, I need to..."
The admiral looks at me hearing the desperation in my voice and then looks down at his watch. Shaking his head he looks back out his window. "Its too late, Rabb. She's already gone."
"But, sir. I need to tell her. She has to know how I feel."
"Sorry, Harm. You had your chance. You've had more chances with her than any man has a right to expect." The coldness of his statement is like a slap in the face. I know he's right. I know she waited for me longer than I ever had a right to ask, but I just needed a little bit more time.
I walk numbly to my office, and Mac's words from yesterday haunt me. When I asked her if she was going to accept the mission, she told me that it depended on something. She never said what. I didn't understand at the time, but the realization of it hits me now. She was waiting to see what my answer was last night. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know she probably would have taken the mission even if I had said yes to us. But now I have no way of telling her that I do want 'us' and I have no way of knowing if she'll come back to me. What have I done?
Harriet's POV*******
I'll never understand the Commander. I'm worried about both him and the Colonel. How could he be so cold to her today when she was leaving for who knows how long? The admiral tried to pretend like it was some ordinary mission, but I could see the tension in his face and the Colonel's as well. When Colonel Mackenzie walked out of the Admiral's office she looked like she was about to cry, which is the part that scares me the most. She is the toughest woman I know. I've just watched the Commander walk into his office. Now he looks like he's about to cry and I can't help but wonder what just happened in the Admiral's office. I debate about bothering him, but he looks so lost right now.
"Commander?" He is hunched over his desk with his head in his hands. He isn't openly crying, but I can see the tears on his face as he looks up at me. The scared lost look is intensified now and I find myself closing his door.
"Harriet, what if she doesn't come back? What if I never get to tell her?" His last words are too much as the tears run down his face. I don't know what the Admiral told him, but now I know for certain that the Colonel isn't on any ordinary mission. He turns away from me and I know that if she doesn't come back, we'll lose him too. I try my best to comfort him. "Sir, she knows how you feel about her." My words seem to have the opposite effect as his face contorts with regret.
"Not after last night, Harriet." His words leave me at a complete loss. I don't know what happened last night, but I now understand that the Colonel just left on a mission thinking that the man she loves with all of her heart doesn't love her back.
3 weeks later
Iraq: Sheik Al-Farabi's palace
Mac's POV**
I've been here for three weeks and I've got nothing to show for it. All I know is that I hate wearing these damn burquas, and I can't wait to get back home. I'm starting to think this whole mission has been a wash. Webb placed me into this wealthy Sheik's house because they suspected he was providing the financial backing to aid Bin Laden's group in buying nuclear weapons. And since the suspected sellers are Russian and I understand the language, I was the perfect person for the job. But so far, nothing; except for blatant sexual advances from every male in the household. Actually, if I'm honest with myself I am glad to be able to hide my looks behind this burqua. My cover is that of a poor and uneducated Iranian immigrant who was widowed and has no family to take care of me. This basically translates into being viewed as lower than the hired help, but I need to be invisible.
I've tried to keep Harm out of my mind, but it hasn't been easy. His coldness and the look on his face when he told me to have a nice trip made it clear that I didn't have a future with him. He didn't even show any concern for my safety. I've ever been sure that he loved me, but I always thought he cared for me enough to worry. So much of what I thought I knew about Harm and I seems at odds with how he acted the day I left. It's those discrepancies that I've run through my mind a million times. There were so many times that I swear he felt something for me, but when it came down to it I just wasn't enough for him. And that always brings me to the same answer. Harm never loved me. I was just another in a long line of women that he wanted to keep around to meet his needs. At first I couldn't think about him without crying. Now, I just feel the deep ache and loss inside. In my dreams I can still feel him touching me, his lips against mine. The heat of his tongue as he slips it into my mouth... The memories are still so real that they make me ache with need.
I try to stay focused by practicing my Arabic and Kurdish. Most of my co- workers don't know that since the September 11 attacks I have been learning both of the languages. The 'suggestion' came straight from the President that we focus on training military individuals on the Arabic culture and languages. Of course that made me a prime 'volunteer'. I didn't mind really, since I'm always looking for a chance to increase my language skills.
Most of my time here is spent in some servant capacity. Right now I'm serving food to the men as they meet over matters of their oil wells. There's a new face today. He is young and handsome, probably in his late 20's. He's dressed extremely well and I'll bet he is Sheik Raihan's son. He's been watching me intently and I wonder at what is going through his mind. His attention makes me more than a little uneasy. His friend seems to notice his interest and makes a rather insulting remark towards me. I'm not supposed to understand since they only think I speak Farsi, but I'd like to ram my fist down his throat. The newcomer's response catches me by surprise as he glares at the other and rebukes him for his description of me. I raise my eyes to his and am shocked to see an apology in his eyes for his friends' remark. His eyes, remind me of someone. They are filled with kindness and compassion and I find myself staring a little too long. This doesn't go un-noticed and I watch as he quickly directs the topic of conversation to an agreement between his father and my 'employer' Sheik Al- Farabi that has come under some scrutiny. I spend the next 2 hours serving the men and catch his eyes on me repeatedly. Towards the end of the meeting I hear ranting in the hall and a man barges into the room. Its not his abrupt entrance that excites me but the fact that he is yelling in Russian. I barely catch his name as Sheik Al-Farabi orders him to be quiet. At that point I am excused as are the rest of the men, with the exception of the Russian.
I try to keep myself busy where I can watch for his departure. Finally, he leaves after an hour. I make my excuses that I need to go to the market and follow him into the city as far as possible without raising suspicion. Luckily it isn't long before he goes into a hotel and doesn't come out immediately. Yes, this is the break I am waiting for. Slowly, I make my way back to the market. Pausing at different carts, I try to make a good show of looking for just the right fruits. As I reach my contact, I slide the tiny slip of paper with the man's name and the hotel he is staying at in with the money and take my purchases back to the Sheik's. Now, I have to hope that Webb can pull off the rest. If he's successful, hopefully I can get out of here. Being completely isolated from any backup has me uneasy. For the last week, I've been dreaming that one day I'll just disappear and no one will be able to find me. The thought sends chills down my spine..
Same day
Jag HQ
Harm's office
She's only been gone three weeks, but it feels like a lifetime. I keep expecting to be able to look across the hall and see her working intently at her desk. The attorney assigned temporarily in her place is ok, but nowhere near Mac's abilities. Funny how you notice the little things when they're taken away from you. I've been staring at a picture for the last few minutes that I found last night at my apt. It's a picture of Sergei, Mac, and I taken at a county fair that we took him too. Sergei has the biggest smile on his face, but Mac is just looking at me softly. Her eyes are filled with love and a soft smile graces her features. My chest constricts as I think again of what I have done. What I didn't tell Mac that night was that I was mostly afraid of losing her if we didn't work out. I let her think it was my career or flying, because I was too scared to admit how much the thought of losing her scared me.
Over the last few weeks, I've realized how much she makes me what I am. I'm not sure when she became so tightly woven into the fabric of the man that I am. But if I'm honest, she has been my rock for years. I always thought that it was me taking care of her for the most part. Being there for her during her Article 32 and a dozen other smaller things I have done for her. I sound incredibly arrogant even to myself. While she's gone I'm trying to take a harder look at who I am, so that when she comes back I can give her everything she has ever wanted. I just have to keep praying that she will come back, and that she'll be willing to give me a chance when she does. You could say I am a desperate man, and you would be right.
End Chapter 2