I just wanted to say thanx to all of u who have been responding. I'm glad you like it.
Landon pulled out his little book that he now kept with him almost always. He was making it into a little journal type of thing. The difference between this and a journal or diary was that he didn't write in it at a specific time everyday, he didn't even write in it everyday. Just when he felt like writing, then he would pull it out and start. So far he had written about all the events that have happened since Jamie went back into the hospital. Mostly he wrote about his thoughts and feelings involving these situations. About whether or not he thought Jamie should live or die. He was writing about that a lot lately. He felt that maybe their love for each other was holding her back from moving on with her destiny. God had given her this disease for a reason. What if that reason was for her to go up to him? What if it was a reason to, he was getting so tired of asking questions that he doesn't have answers for. Everything that was happening was only making him ask himself more questions. And he couldn't answer any of them.
Jamie was starting to get discouraged at this point. Every person that was tested was not a match. She was starting to wonder if she had a match. She was wondering if the only reason she was still here was because of her love for Landon. And that was making her wonder if loving him was wrong. And she hated that so much. You're not supposed to question your love to the one person that gives you the most reason to live. It's just the opposite of it. That person is the one who makes you sure of everything in your life, and the one who you love more than life itself. But can you love life? Of is it just that you love this person so much that they become your whole life?
At this point in their lives, Jamie and Landon didn't hide anything about their feelings to each other. So they decided to tell each other what was going on in their minds. Landon told Jamie about questioning if he wanted her to live, or if he wanted her misery to end. And Jamie told Landon that she was questioning if she loved living for the sake of living or because he was there. After a long conversation, they both agreed that there were no real answers to these questions. That together, they would get through whatever was thrown their way. And that meant living their lives together, as close to happily ever after as they could get. And it also meant being truthful to their feelings, and to each other. Landon decided to tell Jamie about how he was writing all of this stuff down, and although he had no answers, it made him feel better to get them out without anyone judging his feelings. And with that said, he pulled out a book for her to do the same in. And he took his book out too. And he told her "in these books, we write whatever we want to. Without wondering how someone would react to our thoughts. No one else gets to read them. And maybe, and that's a big maybe, after enough time and consideration, we read each other's. But only if we both completely agree on it." "I like that idea" Jamie replied, smiling for the first time in what seemed like forever. And with everything said about their feelings, and those feelings that didn't want to be shared at the time, written down, they could start to see clearly what their options were. And with being able to see their options clearly and objectively for the first time, they both decided that they wanted their lives to be as long as possible. And that they would do what the doctor said to do, by keeping an open and hopeful mind about their situation. They decided to keep looking for a match, but while they did that, they would also keep in the back of their minds the sad truth. The realization that there may not be a match for Jamie. They were of course hoping and believing that she had a match, but there was a possibility that they would not find them in time.
Jamie told Landon "if we have any doubts about anything, we write them down, or talk about them. But only to each other." And all Landon could so was smile, and agree. And with all of their feelings out in the open, they were finally able to relax for a while. Landon, who was sitting on the bed with Jamie, laid down next to her, and took her in his arms. And he just looked into her eyes and said, "I love you." And all that Jamie could do was give into her urge, and kissed him.