Chapter 4: Unfinished Business
Author: Nala (wildwoman28_2001@yahoo.com)
Disclaimers in Part 1
Reminder: All conversation between Mac (Amirah) and Jabir are in Arabic
Baghdad
Jabir Raihan's palace
4 months later (1 year since mission start) Mac's POV***
I awake slowly to light streaming through my windows. I wander out to the verandah and realize I have been with Jabir for 4 months now. As I sit here, my mind floats back to when we first arrived and my surprise at his home. It was more Western in culture than I would have expected from Sheik Raihan's son. As he saw my reaction he laughed softly and explained that he had been sent to school at Harvard and had brought back some American tastes. The raise of my eyebrows at his admission made him laugh more as he gently told me that he wasn't like his father in every way. In four months I have never left the grounds of his estate, but at least he hasn't made me wear the cumbersome garments I hate so much. He told me that I was beautiful and shouldn't be hidden away. Of course in the same breath he told me that no other man was to look upon me and so when he has meetings I stay in a back room.
I fully expected him to demand sex from me, but he made it clear almost immediately that he would only have me when I was ready to come to him freely. It was then that I knew my physical safety was probably not in any immediate danger. So far, he has lived up to his promise. He kisses me goodnight and then lets me go to my own bed, alone each night. He has never hinted or pushed me in any way. He just seems content to wait for me to come to him. I have been fighting my feelings the entire time I have been here. It was a full month before I even spoke to him. As I think about that first month I can't help but smile at his patience with me. Closing my eyes I can still see the look of pleasure when I finally said his name in response to a question he asked. It was only something simple, but he seemed overjoyed.
My first few months were filled with thoughts of how to escape, but without any contacts I know I am safer staying with Jabir until an opportunity arises. I can't help the pain at the knowledge that my friends have no idea where I am or probably if I am even alive. It's been a year and some of their faces are even fading from my memory. The thought scares me, but somewhere in the back of my mind I'm not sure I'm ever going to make it home. Don't get me wrong; I'll take the opportunity if it arises. But no one even knows where I am and I know they can't exactly ask around for me. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about Harm. I still miss him, but it's been a year and the pain is starting to fade. The sting of his rejection and the hurt from the men in my past is slowly being replaced with the quiet love of Jabir. This knowledge scares me. I know its foolish and dangerous to allow myself to care for him, given the circumstances. I constantly remind myself that he is the enemy I came to destroy. It is his and his father's money that is being offered to purchase the weapons that could bring death to so many Americans. And up until the last 2 weeks I've been able to think of him only as my captor, but I can feel my walls breaking as he continues to shower me with attention. As I sit here waging a ware with myself, I feel his presence beside me.
"Amirah, I feel the conflict within you. You still do not completely trust me. What can I do to prove myself to you?" As I look across at him I can see the sincerity in his eyes. I can't help but wonder if I should ask the question that has been burning in my mind. I know I am probably risking my life, but I have to know what kind of a man he is. My future depends on it.
"Jabir, How can I not fear a man who would be willing to help his father kill so many innocent people because he doesn't agree with how they live?" I can see the shock and then suspicion in his eyes as he realizes I am talking about the weapons his father tried to get twice. Damage control, Marine. "Jabir, I was there the day that your father and Al-Fabir argued over who the traitor was. I saw you defend your father. I heard him talk about it his plans."
My explanation seems to mollify him for the moment and I watch him grow silent. His silence lasts for 5 minutes and 22 seconds before he turns back to me. I watch as he sits across from me and softly takes my hands into his. "Amirah, I defended my father that day because it is my duty. That does not mean that I agree with him and what he plans to do." He sees the questions in my eyes and once again I am amazed at how well he knows me. Standing up I watch him pace in front of me looking out over the gardens. "I have fought with him many times over his plans. I have tried to tell him of the many good people in America, but he does not believe me. He tells me that my time there has tainted me and that I have become weak. Amirah, my father is a very powerful man. I cannot afford to cross him." There is a slight tinge of fear in his voice.
I can feel his eyes on me, waiting for my response. I study him intently and find that I believe him. There is too much goodness in him for me to think otherwise. I sigh in relief while at the same time part of me had hoped he would tell me that he agreed with his father. Why? Because I know it is going to make it harder for me to shut him out, knowing he isn't the enemy at all. If things were different I could fall in love with this man, but something in the back of my head tells me I am anyway.
He is still watching me, waiting for my answer. I'm not sure what to say. Telling him that he has to resist his father will only endanger my life more. Rising to stand in front of him, I softly kiss his lips. He waits patiently to see what I will do and I surprise myself by deepening the kiss. I feel the need and desire race through me as he pulls me to him. The hard planes of his chest press against me. He loosens the sheer robe from around me and lets it fall to the floor as he moves his mouth to kiss my neck. He softly kisses his way from my neck to my shoulder. I can't help my moan of pleasure at the sensation. His touch feels so good. He moves his mouth back to mine and our kiss becomes more passionate. As his hand caresses my skin, I am instantly reminded of that last night with Harm and I tense at the thought. I feel Jabir pull away from me and he tenderly looks into my eyes. I can see the need in his and I wonder at his ability and patience to wait.
"You are not yet ready, Amirah." He pulls me close and holds me tenderly.
"Jabir, how can you be so patient with me. Does another fill your bed?" At my question he pulls back and I'm lost in the love I see there.
"No, Amirah. I wait for you." Seeing my disbelief he kisses me softly and I feel my resolve start to crumble. I cry softly in his arms as I try to understand why he thinks I am so special. No one has ever treated me this way and I'm finding it a little hard to believe. I wasn't enough for Harm. I don't know if I've ever felt good enough for anyone. As I continue to cry, Jabir whispers soothing words and holds me safe in his embrace; and I find myself falling a little more in love with him.
2 months later (14 months since mission start)
JAG HQ
Harm's office
It's been six months since Sarah disappeared. I realize idly that I think of her as Sarah now, instead of Mac. I'm not sure why, but it makes me feel closer to her. Maybe because when I called her that I was really telling her I loved her. There hasn't been any word on her since she disappeared. Last week the Admiral told me they had officially listed her as MIA. In a few moments the entire staff will be gathering at Arlington cemetery for a memorial service. Part of me is angry that everyone is willing to write her off already. Logically I know there is little chance that she could have survived for 6 months in Iraq. If her cover was blown she probably was beaten and tortured to try and get information out of her. The thought makes me sick and sometimes I can hear her screams in my sleep.
I cleaned out her apartment yesterday and took a lot of it to mine so that I could be reminded of her. I just couldn't bear to throw any of it away. The rest of her things are sitting in storage just in case. Along with her vette. I tell myself that she could still come back, and if she does I want her to have all of her things. I brought a lot of her pictures to my office. Even though she's gone, her smile and those deep brown eyes surround me.
The sound of my mother's voice surprises me. I'm sure the Admiral told her about the ceremony, but I never expected her to come. I can see the concern in her eyes. Everyone looks at me the same way. They all know what I did. Most were around to hear my spiteful goodbye, my last words to her. I rise to follow my mom and join the rest of the group as we head towards the cemetery.
1 hour later Arlington National Cemetery
Harriet's POV***
I can't believe she's really gone. It doesn't seem real or possible. The first 8 months she was undercover I watched as Commander Rabb waited anxiously for her return. The admiral seemed to always be waiting for her return as well. For weeks he would still call her name at staff meeting when making case assignments. Since he told us she was missing he has withdrawn, like the Commander has. I know Commander Rabb feels guilty for the way he treated her before she left. I don't quite understand what is eating at the Admiral, but I'm sure he feels responsible for letting her take the assignment.
I watch as people continue to crowd around the tiny white marker they arranged for her to honor another fallen in the service of her country. Bud and I tried to explain to AJ that his Aunt Mac had gone to heaven, but that's just too much for him to comprehend. Every time he asks for her my heart breaks a little more. I am surprised that Webb has shown up. I was angry with him at first, but I know he's just trying to protect his country in his own way.
Harm, Bud, the Admiral, and myself are all seated on the front row while Chloe and her dad stand just off to the left. Poor Chloe, this has been so hard on her. I know she talked about Mac as her sister, but Mac was really the mother Chloe never had. Mac would be embarrassed and probably surprised at how many have shown up today. I'm glad Commander Rabb's mom came. He has been so quiet and withdrawn I'm starting to get really worried about him. I think he's in denial. I know he's still waiting for her to walk through his door and tease him about his lunch or something else. I think we all are. I watch as full military honors are given and the flag is carefully folded. My eyes tear up as the honor guard stops with the flag in front of Commander Rabb. He seems shocked and isn't moving. The Admiral leans over quietly and lets him know that she would want him to have it. He stares back at the flag and I realize that if he takes it he's admitting that he's lost her. I don't think he's been able to do that yet. Slowly he reaches for the flag and I see his shoulders start to shake, unable to hide his pain any longer. His mother reaches down to comfort him, but there's nothing to be said that will ease his pain. The Admiral has arranged for a few of us to share some thoughts and memories about her and he stands up first, looking out over the crowd. I hear the tremor in his voice as he starts to speak.
"We're here to honor Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie who died in the service of her country. I've had the pleasure of commanding some fine officers during my time as JAG, but none finer than Sarah Mackenzie. She was a credit to the corp. The thing that I respected most about her was her unwavering duty to her country. She knew going into this mission that there was a high likelihood she wouldn't return. She did it anyway and consequentially saved thousands of lives. Her selfless act will always be remembered and honored in the highest tradition of the Armed Forces." I am surprised to see the Secnav join the Admiral in front of us. I watch as he hands the Admiral a box and my heart aches even more as the Admiral stands in front of Rabb to present him with the Purple Heart awarded posthumously to the Colonel. As the commander reverently takes the award I hear Chloe start to sob. The admiral takes his seat and nods to me.
I know I'm not going to get through this without crying so I don't even try. "Mac was the sister that I always wished I had. She was unfailingly loyal and supportive. When baby Sarah died she checked on me every day to make sure I was ok. Most of the time I just cried on her shoulder, but she never complained." I'm barely holding it together as I think of all the times Mac has been there to help me or Bud. My mind latches onto a happy thought and I struggle to share it with those around me. "I remember the time she ran interference for me with my mother at my wedding. If she hadn't been there I probably would have tossed my mother out of the church. Anyone who has met my mother would understand." I smile as I hear a few soft laughs in the crowd. " I know Mac would be amazed that I'm not calling her Colonel right now. It seems like Bud and I never could get that down while she was here. And I know that she would want us to be happy and only remember the good times, but I am going to miss her so much." I dissolve into tears as I sit down and hear my son's quiet voice asking where Aun Mac is. I hear others start to cry at his innocent question. A few others stand up to share both humorous stories as well as touching displays of friendship. I wait, wondering if Commander Rabb is going to get up. I don't expect him to, and am surprised as I hear him rise to the front. He's quiet for a few moments as he struggles with what to say.
"I don't need to tell any of you how loyal or brave Sarah was. And I could go on for hours about the times she saved my six or someone else's, but I won't. I can only share with you now what I was never able to share with her while she was here." I can see the tears streaming down his face as he leans down towards the simple marker. "Sarah, I love you. I'm sorry you never heard me say it, but I love you and I will never stop. There isn't room for anyone else in my heart." I am openly balling as I watch him stand back, salute her grave, and then silently return to his seat. I know he will be seated here for hours after everyone else has left, trying to make peace with the memories that still haunt him.
4 months later (18 months since mission start)
Jabir Raihan's Palace Mac's POV***
Today is my wedding day and its nothing like I imagined it would be. Harriet isn't here to help me with my dress and the Admiral can't give me any last minute marriage advice. I have to smile at the memory of the last time he tried to do that when I was marrying Mic. The way that went it's probably a good thing he isn't here. And Harm is not the one who will be looking back at me as I pledge myself to another. At one time that thought was unbearable, but now it barely causes a flicker of sadness. Jabir has replaced all of the pain with happiness and that is only one of the reasons I fell in love with him. As Jabir held me that night as I cried, I knew I had found what I had hoped Harm would be the one to give to me. Jabir gave me his love and acceptance. He gave me himself without fear; without reservation.
Part of me feels guilty for moving on with my life when I know my loved ones at home must think I'm dead. I have struggled with finding a way to let them know I'm ok, but everything is censored and monitored in this country. I keep hoping that I'll still get the chance to go home, but I feel even that hope starting to slip from me. I'll be going downstairs in a few moments and I take the opportunity to really look at myself. As I stare into the mirror, I see someone other than Sarah Mackenzie staring back. Her hair is longer and her clothes are different. But mostly I see the change in my bearing and countenance. It's hard to think of myself as a marine anymore. I haven't worn the uniform for a year and a half. I wonder if this makes me a traitor to my country, but I know that I would still die defending it. My thoughts are interrupted as I hear one of the servants knock softly at my door and I know its time.
As I look across at Jabir I am overwhelmed with how much I love him. He has showed me so much kindness, but more than that he makes me feel whole. Part of me rationalizes that I am giving myself a better guarantee of safety if I become his wife. But I know that isn't why I accepted his proposal. He is a good man and he makes me happy. I know we won't be going anywhere for a honeymoon. I still don't totally understand why he seems to keep my hidden away, but I know that his father isn't happy with his decision. He felt it wasn't proper for a sheik's son to marry a servant. As he calls my name softly, my attention is drawn back to Jabir. I smile back and listen quietly as I become Amirah Raihan.
2 months later (20 months since mission start)
Jabir Raihan's Palace Mac's POV**
I'm nervous with excitement as Jabir tells me that we are going to Kuwait for a short trip to check on some of his father's business adventures. I know Kuwait has an American embassy not far from where we will be staying. There must be some way to contact Webb while I'm there. Thankfully Jabir mistakes my excitement for just the desire to travel off the estate with him. I only half listen as he says he will arrange for my passport and tells me we will be leaving next week.
I sit in my room trying to come up with a plan. I know Jabir will be busy with meetings part of the day and I can only hope that I'll be allowed to go shopping during those times. That should allow for the perfect opportunity to slip something to one of the Marine guards at the embassy gates. If I can just let Webb know where I'm at, he can come and get me. As I sit contemplating my freedom, I'm suddenly faced with the fact that I will have to leave Jabir. The tiny voice in my head asks me if I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness for my freedom and I can't say for sure that I am. Maybe I can stay and Webb can at least let them know that I am safe. Is that what I want? I could just stay undercover, right? I know that the last few months with Jabir have changed me. I feel happier and more content with myself. Something I was always trying to obtain, but always seemed just out of my grasp. Now that I have it, I am scared to let go even if it does mean I can return to my friends.
END CHAPTER 4
From your reviews I think I have a few of you worried.. Repeat after me. Nala is a Harm/Mac shipper.. All roads lead BACK to a happy Harm/Macdom. But how do they get there??? Gotta read it to find out... =0)
OH, someone told me my story had parallels to another: Scars like rain and frozen thoughts. All I can say is I haven't read it, but I hope it isn't too similar. That's no fun. =0(
Author: Nala (wildwoman28_2001@yahoo.com)
Disclaimers in Part 1
Reminder: All conversation between Mac (Amirah) and Jabir are in Arabic
Baghdad
Jabir Raihan's palace
4 months later (1 year since mission start) Mac's POV***
I awake slowly to light streaming through my windows. I wander out to the verandah and realize I have been with Jabir for 4 months now. As I sit here, my mind floats back to when we first arrived and my surprise at his home. It was more Western in culture than I would have expected from Sheik Raihan's son. As he saw my reaction he laughed softly and explained that he had been sent to school at Harvard and had brought back some American tastes. The raise of my eyebrows at his admission made him laugh more as he gently told me that he wasn't like his father in every way. In four months I have never left the grounds of his estate, but at least he hasn't made me wear the cumbersome garments I hate so much. He told me that I was beautiful and shouldn't be hidden away. Of course in the same breath he told me that no other man was to look upon me and so when he has meetings I stay in a back room.
I fully expected him to demand sex from me, but he made it clear almost immediately that he would only have me when I was ready to come to him freely. It was then that I knew my physical safety was probably not in any immediate danger. So far, he has lived up to his promise. He kisses me goodnight and then lets me go to my own bed, alone each night. He has never hinted or pushed me in any way. He just seems content to wait for me to come to him. I have been fighting my feelings the entire time I have been here. It was a full month before I even spoke to him. As I think about that first month I can't help but smile at his patience with me. Closing my eyes I can still see the look of pleasure when I finally said his name in response to a question he asked. It was only something simple, but he seemed overjoyed.
My first few months were filled with thoughts of how to escape, but without any contacts I know I am safer staying with Jabir until an opportunity arises. I can't help the pain at the knowledge that my friends have no idea where I am or probably if I am even alive. It's been a year and some of their faces are even fading from my memory. The thought scares me, but somewhere in the back of my mind I'm not sure I'm ever going to make it home. Don't get me wrong; I'll take the opportunity if it arises. But no one even knows where I am and I know they can't exactly ask around for me. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about Harm. I still miss him, but it's been a year and the pain is starting to fade. The sting of his rejection and the hurt from the men in my past is slowly being replaced with the quiet love of Jabir. This knowledge scares me. I know its foolish and dangerous to allow myself to care for him, given the circumstances. I constantly remind myself that he is the enemy I came to destroy. It is his and his father's money that is being offered to purchase the weapons that could bring death to so many Americans. And up until the last 2 weeks I've been able to think of him only as my captor, but I can feel my walls breaking as he continues to shower me with attention. As I sit here waging a ware with myself, I feel his presence beside me.
"Amirah, I feel the conflict within you. You still do not completely trust me. What can I do to prove myself to you?" As I look across at him I can see the sincerity in his eyes. I can't help but wonder if I should ask the question that has been burning in my mind. I know I am probably risking my life, but I have to know what kind of a man he is. My future depends on it.
"Jabir, How can I not fear a man who would be willing to help his father kill so many innocent people because he doesn't agree with how they live?" I can see the shock and then suspicion in his eyes as he realizes I am talking about the weapons his father tried to get twice. Damage control, Marine. "Jabir, I was there the day that your father and Al-Fabir argued over who the traitor was. I saw you defend your father. I heard him talk about it his plans."
My explanation seems to mollify him for the moment and I watch him grow silent. His silence lasts for 5 minutes and 22 seconds before he turns back to me. I watch as he sits across from me and softly takes my hands into his. "Amirah, I defended my father that day because it is my duty. That does not mean that I agree with him and what he plans to do." He sees the questions in my eyes and once again I am amazed at how well he knows me. Standing up I watch him pace in front of me looking out over the gardens. "I have fought with him many times over his plans. I have tried to tell him of the many good people in America, but he does not believe me. He tells me that my time there has tainted me and that I have become weak. Amirah, my father is a very powerful man. I cannot afford to cross him." There is a slight tinge of fear in his voice.
I can feel his eyes on me, waiting for my response. I study him intently and find that I believe him. There is too much goodness in him for me to think otherwise. I sigh in relief while at the same time part of me had hoped he would tell me that he agreed with his father. Why? Because I know it is going to make it harder for me to shut him out, knowing he isn't the enemy at all. If things were different I could fall in love with this man, but something in the back of my head tells me I am anyway.
He is still watching me, waiting for my answer. I'm not sure what to say. Telling him that he has to resist his father will only endanger my life more. Rising to stand in front of him, I softly kiss his lips. He waits patiently to see what I will do and I surprise myself by deepening the kiss. I feel the need and desire race through me as he pulls me to him. The hard planes of his chest press against me. He loosens the sheer robe from around me and lets it fall to the floor as he moves his mouth to kiss my neck. He softly kisses his way from my neck to my shoulder. I can't help my moan of pleasure at the sensation. His touch feels so good. He moves his mouth back to mine and our kiss becomes more passionate. As his hand caresses my skin, I am instantly reminded of that last night with Harm and I tense at the thought. I feel Jabir pull away from me and he tenderly looks into my eyes. I can see the need in his and I wonder at his ability and patience to wait.
"You are not yet ready, Amirah." He pulls me close and holds me tenderly.
"Jabir, how can you be so patient with me. Does another fill your bed?" At my question he pulls back and I'm lost in the love I see there.
"No, Amirah. I wait for you." Seeing my disbelief he kisses me softly and I feel my resolve start to crumble. I cry softly in his arms as I try to understand why he thinks I am so special. No one has ever treated me this way and I'm finding it a little hard to believe. I wasn't enough for Harm. I don't know if I've ever felt good enough for anyone. As I continue to cry, Jabir whispers soothing words and holds me safe in his embrace; and I find myself falling a little more in love with him.
2 months later (14 months since mission start)
JAG HQ
Harm's office
It's been six months since Sarah disappeared. I realize idly that I think of her as Sarah now, instead of Mac. I'm not sure why, but it makes me feel closer to her. Maybe because when I called her that I was really telling her I loved her. There hasn't been any word on her since she disappeared. Last week the Admiral told me they had officially listed her as MIA. In a few moments the entire staff will be gathering at Arlington cemetery for a memorial service. Part of me is angry that everyone is willing to write her off already. Logically I know there is little chance that she could have survived for 6 months in Iraq. If her cover was blown she probably was beaten and tortured to try and get information out of her. The thought makes me sick and sometimes I can hear her screams in my sleep.
I cleaned out her apartment yesterday and took a lot of it to mine so that I could be reminded of her. I just couldn't bear to throw any of it away. The rest of her things are sitting in storage just in case. Along with her vette. I tell myself that she could still come back, and if she does I want her to have all of her things. I brought a lot of her pictures to my office. Even though she's gone, her smile and those deep brown eyes surround me.
The sound of my mother's voice surprises me. I'm sure the Admiral told her about the ceremony, but I never expected her to come. I can see the concern in her eyes. Everyone looks at me the same way. They all know what I did. Most were around to hear my spiteful goodbye, my last words to her. I rise to follow my mom and join the rest of the group as we head towards the cemetery.
1 hour later Arlington National Cemetery
Harriet's POV***
I can't believe she's really gone. It doesn't seem real or possible. The first 8 months she was undercover I watched as Commander Rabb waited anxiously for her return. The admiral seemed to always be waiting for her return as well. For weeks he would still call her name at staff meeting when making case assignments. Since he told us she was missing he has withdrawn, like the Commander has. I know Commander Rabb feels guilty for the way he treated her before she left. I don't quite understand what is eating at the Admiral, but I'm sure he feels responsible for letting her take the assignment.
I watch as people continue to crowd around the tiny white marker they arranged for her to honor another fallen in the service of her country. Bud and I tried to explain to AJ that his Aunt Mac had gone to heaven, but that's just too much for him to comprehend. Every time he asks for her my heart breaks a little more. I am surprised that Webb has shown up. I was angry with him at first, but I know he's just trying to protect his country in his own way.
Harm, Bud, the Admiral, and myself are all seated on the front row while Chloe and her dad stand just off to the left. Poor Chloe, this has been so hard on her. I know she talked about Mac as her sister, but Mac was really the mother Chloe never had. Mac would be embarrassed and probably surprised at how many have shown up today. I'm glad Commander Rabb's mom came. He has been so quiet and withdrawn I'm starting to get really worried about him. I think he's in denial. I know he's still waiting for her to walk through his door and tease him about his lunch or something else. I think we all are. I watch as full military honors are given and the flag is carefully folded. My eyes tear up as the honor guard stops with the flag in front of Commander Rabb. He seems shocked and isn't moving. The Admiral leans over quietly and lets him know that she would want him to have it. He stares back at the flag and I realize that if he takes it he's admitting that he's lost her. I don't think he's been able to do that yet. Slowly he reaches for the flag and I see his shoulders start to shake, unable to hide his pain any longer. His mother reaches down to comfort him, but there's nothing to be said that will ease his pain. The Admiral has arranged for a few of us to share some thoughts and memories about her and he stands up first, looking out over the crowd. I hear the tremor in his voice as he starts to speak.
"We're here to honor Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie who died in the service of her country. I've had the pleasure of commanding some fine officers during my time as JAG, but none finer than Sarah Mackenzie. She was a credit to the corp. The thing that I respected most about her was her unwavering duty to her country. She knew going into this mission that there was a high likelihood she wouldn't return. She did it anyway and consequentially saved thousands of lives. Her selfless act will always be remembered and honored in the highest tradition of the Armed Forces." I am surprised to see the Secnav join the Admiral in front of us. I watch as he hands the Admiral a box and my heart aches even more as the Admiral stands in front of Rabb to present him with the Purple Heart awarded posthumously to the Colonel. As the commander reverently takes the award I hear Chloe start to sob. The admiral takes his seat and nods to me.
I know I'm not going to get through this without crying so I don't even try. "Mac was the sister that I always wished I had. She was unfailingly loyal and supportive. When baby Sarah died she checked on me every day to make sure I was ok. Most of the time I just cried on her shoulder, but she never complained." I'm barely holding it together as I think of all the times Mac has been there to help me or Bud. My mind latches onto a happy thought and I struggle to share it with those around me. "I remember the time she ran interference for me with my mother at my wedding. If she hadn't been there I probably would have tossed my mother out of the church. Anyone who has met my mother would understand." I smile as I hear a few soft laughs in the crowd. " I know Mac would be amazed that I'm not calling her Colonel right now. It seems like Bud and I never could get that down while she was here. And I know that she would want us to be happy and only remember the good times, but I am going to miss her so much." I dissolve into tears as I sit down and hear my son's quiet voice asking where Aun Mac is. I hear others start to cry at his innocent question. A few others stand up to share both humorous stories as well as touching displays of friendship. I wait, wondering if Commander Rabb is going to get up. I don't expect him to, and am surprised as I hear him rise to the front. He's quiet for a few moments as he struggles with what to say.
"I don't need to tell any of you how loyal or brave Sarah was. And I could go on for hours about the times she saved my six or someone else's, but I won't. I can only share with you now what I was never able to share with her while she was here." I can see the tears streaming down his face as he leans down towards the simple marker. "Sarah, I love you. I'm sorry you never heard me say it, but I love you and I will never stop. There isn't room for anyone else in my heart." I am openly balling as I watch him stand back, salute her grave, and then silently return to his seat. I know he will be seated here for hours after everyone else has left, trying to make peace with the memories that still haunt him.
4 months later (18 months since mission start)
Jabir Raihan's Palace Mac's POV***
Today is my wedding day and its nothing like I imagined it would be. Harriet isn't here to help me with my dress and the Admiral can't give me any last minute marriage advice. I have to smile at the memory of the last time he tried to do that when I was marrying Mic. The way that went it's probably a good thing he isn't here. And Harm is not the one who will be looking back at me as I pledge myself to another. At one time that thought was unbearable, but now it barely causes a flicker of sadness. Jabir has replaced all of the pain with happiness and that is only one of the reasons I fell in love with him. As Jabir held me that night as I cried, I knew I had found what I had hoped Harm would be the one to give to me. Jabir gave me his love and acceptance. He gave me himself without fear; without reservation.
Part of me feels guilty for moving on with my life when I know my loved ones at home must think I'm dead. I have struggled with finding a way to let them know I'm ok, but everything is censored and monitored in this country. I keep hoping that I'll still get the chance to go home, but I feel even that hope starting to slip from me. I'll be going downstairs in a few moments and I take the opportunity to really look at myself. As I stare into the mirror, I see someone other than Sarah Mackenzie staring back. Her hair is longer and her clothes are different. But mostly I see the change in my bearing and countenance. It's hard to think of myself as a marine anymore. I haven't worn the uniform for a year and a half. I wonder if this makes me a traitor to my country, but I know that I would still die defending it. My thoughts are interrupted as I hear one of the servants knock softly at my door and I know its time.
As I look across at Jabir I am overwhelmed with how much I love him. He has showed me so much kindness, but more than that he makes me feel whole. Part of me rationalizes that I am giving myself a better guarantee of safety if I become his wife. But I know that isn't why I accepted his proposal. He is a good man and he makes me happy. I know we won't be going anywhere for a honeymoon. I still don't totally understand why he seems to keep my hidden away, but I know that his father isn't happy with his decision. He felt it wasn't proper for a sheik's son to marry a servant. As he calls my name softly, my attention is drawn back to Jabir. I smile back and listen quietly as I become Amirah Raihan.
2 months later (20 months since mission start)
Jabir Raihan's Palace Mac's POV**
I'm nervous with excitement as Jabir tells me that we are going to Kuwait for a short trip to check on some of his father's business adventures. I know Kuwait has an American embassy not far from where we will be staying. There must be some way to contact Webb while I'm there. Thankfully Jabir mistakes my excitement for just the desire to travel off the estate with him. I only half listen as he says he will arrange for my passport and tells me we will be leaving next week.
I sit in my room trying to come up with a plan. I know Jabir will be busy with meetings part of the day and I can only hope that I'll be allowed to go shopping during those times. That should allow for the perfect opportunity to slip something to one of the Marine guards at the embassy gates. If I can just let Webb know where I'm at, he can come and get me. As I sit contemplating my freedom, I'm suddenly faced with the fact that I will have to leave Jabir. The tiny voice in my head asks me if I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness for my freedom and I can't say for sure that I am. Maybe I can stay and Webb can at least let them know that I am safe. Is that what I want? I could just stay undercover, right? I know that the last few months with Jabir have changed me. I feel happier and more content with myself. Something I was always trying to obtain, but always seemed just out of my grasp. Now that I have it, I am scared to let go even if it does mean I can return to my friends.
END CHAPTER 4
From your reviews I think I have a few of you worried.. Repeat after me. Nala is a Harm/Mac shipper.. All roads lead BACK to a happy Harm/Macdom. But how do they get there??? Gotta read it to find out... =0)
OH, someone told me my story had parallels to another: Scars like rain and frozen thoughts. All I can say is I haven't read it, but I hope it isn't too similar. That's no fun. =0(