Title: A TRIP TO AFGHANISTAN VI
AWAKEN TO LOSS
Series: A Trip to Afghanistan
Author: Piper86
Email: improvkris@yahoo.com
Rating: PG-13
Classification: Harm/Mac pairing, JAG story
Spoilers: Not really
CHAPTER VI AWAKEN TO LOSS
Harm bolted upright, jerked out of a sound sleep by the hand gently shaking his shoulder. He pressed his fingers into his face, rubbing and blinking his eyes. Trying to focus. His mind protested against the glare from the overhead light. When his vision cleared, he found himself face to face with Mac's surgeons. They had both pulled up chairs and were sitting across from the cot, waiting to speak to him.
Harm looked past them to the still empty space where Mac's bed had been. He looked at the window, only to find a reflection of the room against the blackness beyond the glass. He then turned his back to the doctors.
"Night already? How late is it?"
"It's just after midnight, Cmdr. Rabb," Dr. Caldwell replied. "We just finished with Colonel MacKenzie about a half hour ago."
Harm swung his legs over the side of the cot, sitting up fully and locking eyes with Caldwell, then Davis. Apprehension tightened his features.
"How ... how is she ... ?"
Dr. Caldwell took a deep breath. "She survived the surgery. She's in recovery right now, and we're monitoring her closely. If all goes well, we should be able to bring her back to the room in a few hours."
Harm felt a pang of relief. Mac was alive. But then he saw the surgeons exchanging glances, and a sensation of dread crept over him. He mind flashed back to their last hour aboard the Seahawk, when Cmdr. Haskett had tried to warn him about Mac's condition.
...she's been fighting for a long time, mostly on her own, and her body is getting very, very weak. She's tired out, she's ... ...
Harm snapped himself out of the memory, turning his attention to Dr. Davis.
"What is it ... ?" he whispered.
Dr. Davis smiled gently at him. Her eyes shone with compassion and sadness.
"Commander Rabb," she began slowly, "I ... we both ... felt it was best to fill you in on everything that went on during surgery. When Colonel MacKenzie wakes up, she will need your support."
Harm felt his hands begin to tremble. He felt a surge of nervous energy catapult itself from the base of his spine to his skull. He gripped his knees with his hands, holding his breath as she continued.
"First, we should tell you that the damage to her hand was not as extensive as we had feared. One of our best orthopedic surgeons was just finishing up on it as we left, and his prognosis is positive. She will have to wear a cast for several weeks, and there will most likely be some damage to her fine motor control. She may not be able to grip very tightly with that hand."
Harm was relieved to hear, but wondered why she had started talking about Mac's hand, and not her more serious injuries.
He soon found out.
"Nathan -- Dr. Caldwell - began the procedure in the Colonel's chest cavity. He had to assess the damage to her lung..."
"What I found was not good." Caldwell continued, "The tissue had been deprived of oxygen for too long and had atrophied. I had to excise the lung. It was a successful procedure, and we were able to remove her from the ventilator. She's breathing on her own right now."
Harm let out a sharp gasp. Mac had lost a lung?
"Too much time lapsed between the original injury and the attempt to reinflate," Caldwell explained further, "We understand the circumstances forced a delay in treatment, and honestly we don't know if we could have saved it even if we had gotten to her sooner..."
Harm was staring down at the floor, absorbing as much of what Caldwell was saying as he could. He felt like a hurricane was blowing through his mind.
"Cmdr. Rabb, are you all right?" Dr. Davis touched his hand.
Harm could only nod briefly.
Caldwell began again. "We're sorry we don't know what kind of an effect this will have on her military career. If she is stationed in Afghanistan, then..."
"No. She's ... we're both lawyers at JAG."
"I see. It is possible to function quite well with only one lung. It will make extreme physical activity difficult, but her office and courtroom duties shouldn't be affected..."
Harm nodded absently, his mind focusing on Mac. God, what she had gone through. For him.
Dr. Davis hesitated, waiting for Harm to adjust so she could. He looked at her and urged her to continue. Her eyes dropped away from his gaze uneasily, intent on the hands clenched in her lap.
"What?" he demanded.
"Cmdr. Rabb, once Nathan finished with her chest, I began an exploratory of her abdomen. I wanted to assess and repair any damage. Her spleen threatened to rupture, so we removed it."
She began rubbing her hands over the tops of her thighs. Harm watched her, feeling his stomach tighten.
"I continued the exploratory, and did not find any major damage in her liver, kidneys, intestine, bowel..."
Harm heard her words and felt he should be more relieved than he was. His investigative instincts kicked in ... she was hesitating, skirting. What was she holding back?
He was not prepared for what she told him next.
"I ... there was some unusual distention in her uterus. I thought at first the Colonel might be pregnant, but blood tests were negative." She looked at Dr. Caldwell, who nodded his support. She continued.
"The distention was caused by a large blood clot. A ruptured blood vessel leaked into her uterus, filling it completely. She must have taken a sharp blow to her lower abdomen."
Harm swallowed hard. "She ... she was kicked repeatedly."
Davis nodded. "The clot put enough pressure on the ruptured vessel to keep her from bleeding out. Once we removed the clot, it began bleeding again. We found the source and tied it off. We ... um ... didn't have a choice but to ..."
Harm stood up, moving quickly to the window. He stared out, unable to see anything in the blackness but his own reflection staring back at him. His ears burned as her words reached him.
"Tying off the blood vessel effectively cut off blood circulation to her uterus. The blood clot caused some damage when we removed it as well, particularly from her fallopian tubes. Commander, I am so sorry, but we had to remove it."
Harm kept staring at his own reflection. His own eyes staring back at him ... accusing.
For you.
He slowly turned to face the doctors. "Go on ..."
Davis stood up and crossed the room to him. "We had to take her uterus, and parts of her fallopian tubes. If we had left them, there would have been too great a risk to her recovery. An infection could have killed her."
"I understand, doctor. Thank you ... thank you for saving her." Harm barely whispered.
Caldwell rose and touched his colleague's arm. "Meaghan, let's leave the Commander alone for awhile. Commander, the Colonel should be coming back here in a few hours. She's going to need your help to get through this."
With that, the two surgeons retreated into the bright lights of the hallway. Harm was left alone, the silence pressing around him.
Oh, God ... Sarah...
He turned back around to face the window. Once more his own reflection confronted him.
Look at what she has suffered for you. What have you done?
Out in the darkness, floating just at the edge of his view, the Shadow's face appeared.
BETHESDA NAVAL HOSPITAL
CRITICAL CARE UNIT
48 HOURS LATER
Mac had drifted in and out of consciousness since they'd brought her back to the room. The monitors had once more resumed their militant hum, tracking her vital signs. Harm was glad for the silence of the ventilator, as she continued to breath on her own.
He had refused to leave the room, stating clearly that he wasn't going anywhere until she became fully conscious. He had stayed when the nurses came to change her surgical dressings. Keeping out of the way, he watched as they slowly began to remove the padding covering her incisions.
He staggered back a little at the sight of her. Two huge trails snaked their way over her skin, one down the center of her chest and the other curling around her stomach. The angry bruising around them hit him full in the chest.
When they gingerly rolled her onto her side, he got a full view of the scars forming on her back. The nurses were careful not to stretch her skin, for fear of reopening the wounds. Harm winced, as he did every time he saw them. The blood-caked razor blades lying on the interrogation room floor danced before his eyes.
Mac's first ventures into consciousness had consisted of brief eye flutters and a little movement. Harm had pulled his chair right up next to her bed, waiting to see her soft brown eyes. But they had only teased him, her lids becoming too heavy as she drifted off again.
Harm now leaned back in his chair, staring out the window. She was lying on her back, her left arm exposed along the side of her body. He was absently stroking it with his fingertips, lost in thought. He felt her shift and snapped his attention back to her.
Her head turned toward him, her eyes fully open. She gave him a weak smile as he placed his arms on the bed and gently touched her face.
"Hey, sailor," the words cracked in her dry throat.
"Hey there, Marine", he countered, "about time you came around."
"Mmmm. Tired. Bad dreams."
Harm laced his fingers through hers. "You're going to be OK, Sarah."
She blinked slowly, and he felt her trying to lift her hand. She got it a few inches off the bed before she had to let it drop, exhausted from the effort. He gently picked it up, holding it to his face.
She smiled. "You feel good,"
"Not as good as you," he laughed softly.
The moment was broken as the door opened, causing both of them to look and see Dr. Davis entering the room.
"Well, HELLO Colonel!" she smiled as she approached the bed. "Welcome back!" She took Mac's chart and scribbled some notes, then returned her attention back to Mac.
"How are you feeling?"
"Tired ... thirsty ... " Mac whispered.
"You've been through a major trauma and surgery. It's OK to be a little tired," Davis smiled. "Commander, it's all right to get the Colonel some water."
Harm was up immediately, filling the bedside pitcher and a cup. He slid his hand behind Mac's head, lifting her lips to meet the cup. She took a few sips, and he laid her back down. Her eyes didn't leave his.
"Ahem ... " their attention was diverted back to Dr. Davis, "In a few days, we will be setting up your physical therapy schedule. We'll have you up and walking, doing some breathing rehab, and a little later on get you working on your hand."
"Breathing ... ?" Mac's face was a question mark.
Davis pulled a chair up to Mac's bed, opposite Harm. She leaned forward on her arms. "Colonel, I'm afraid that we were unable to save your damaged lung. We had to remove it."
Harm watched Mac's face as Davis' words sank in. He could see the Marine in her coming to the surface.
"Service ... still ... ?" Mac struggled to speak.
Davis nodded her understanding. "Given your assignment to JAG, this should not affect your ability to perform your duties."
Harm felt the tension ease out of her body. Her fingers pressed weakly against his.
"Colonel, I am also going to recommend counseling sessions for you, as part of your recovery. You have been through an ordeal, and we need to address your emotional as well as physical recovery."
Mac looked up at Harm, and he nodded to her. "I think it's a good idea, Sarah."
Mac returned her gaze to the doctor. Harm saw that Davis was about to fill her in on the rest. He stopped her.
"Dr. Davis, would you mind if Sarah and I were alone for awhile. We've got a few things to talk about."
He saw the surprised look on Davis' face. She hesitated, then rose from her chair.
"Um, all right. Colonel, I'll be back soon to check on you. Commander, may I see you out in the hall for a moment?"
Harm gave Mac's hand a light kiss before placing it back on the bed. He touched her face, then followed Davis outside. She immediately confronted him.
"Commander, in my experience, the sooner a patient knows their full condition, the better they are able to deal with it ..."
"Dr. please," Harm interrupted, "I know she needs to know everything. I ... I'm sorry, but I just want her to hear it from me, not you. Let me tell her ... "
Davis blinked, taken aback by Harm's response. "Commander, you have been through an emotional wringer yourself. Are you sure you don't want me to ... ?
"Doctor, I'm not worried about myself, I'm worried about Sarah. I have to. I NEED to. Please, give us this time so I can."
Harm felt Davis' warm hand on his shoulder. She gave him a slight squeeze, then took his hand.
"All right. But if either of you need me, I will be here."
She took two steps backward, then turned and headed off down the hallway. Harm watched her go, thankful she could respect his wishes, and suddenly afraid to go back in the room without her.
Taking a deep breath, he pushed back into Mac's room.
Mac had closed her eyes again. Harm sat down where Davis had been, careful of the cast on her right hand. He touched her arm, and she smiled, turning slowly to look at him. Her eyes were full of feeling.
"Sarah ... I need to tell you about the surgery ..."
BETHESDA NAVAL HOSPITAL
PHYSICAL THERAPY ROOM
ONE WEEK LATER
"That's it, Sarah. Come on. One more lap and we'll call it a day."
Lt. Amy Brandle offered as many encouraging words as she could to the Marine Colonel slowly making her way around the room. Amy had been a godsend from the moment she'd come into Mac's room to brief her on the physical therapy routine. Her positive energy and spirit couldn't help but rub off on Mac a little.
"All RIGHT!" Amy cheered as Mac finally completely her walk. "You'll be running marathons before you know it!"
Mac smiled at the young woman, inwardly wondering if she would ever really be able to run again. The past week had flown by, and she had been able to focus entirely on getting her strength back. She hadn't allowed herself to dwell on all that Harm had told her.
She closed her eyes and saw his face again, telling her everything. The sadness in his eyes had been almost unbearable. He had been so gentle with her it brought her to tears. He had wiped them away with his fingers, softly kissing her face.
We'll get through this, Sarah.
She squeezed her eyes shut, willing the memory away. Back in control, she eased herself into her wheelchair. Amy then pushed her over to one of the tables. She had Mac stretch out her right arm.
"OK Sarah. I just want to get a feel for this hand. See where we're at."
Mac nodded, and tried to relax as Amy began extending and moving the fingers. Mac winced when her middle and ring fingers straightened. Amy nodded, not pursuing the movement any further. She made some notes, then snapped her chart shut.
"Looking pretty good, Sarah." Amy smiled. "We'll get down to some serious strength training for that hand in another couple of weeks. Ready to head back to your room?"
Mac nodded. She was tired.
"Great. I'll take you back, and I think we'll make it in time for a visit from the respiratory therapist."
When they got back to the room, Mike Osgood was already waiting for Mac. Playfully nicknamed Mike O-2 for his breathing therapy, he had been working with Mac since the surgery.
"Hi there Amy, Colonel." He greeted them.
"Hey O-2! The Colonel's just done a lot of hard work for me. Go easy on her today, OK?"
"Sure Amy, thanks."
Mac listened to O-2's cheerful banter as she took long slow breaths for him. He placed a breathing tube to her lips, and she inhaled the vapor deeply. They wanted to make sure she didn't develop pneumonia in her remaining lung.
After Mike left, Mac let out a sigh of relief. She would have 43 minutes to herself before the next round of medical maintenance kicked in. She let herself relax into bed, and closed her eyes.
It seemed like only seconds later when a nurse tapped her shoulder. Time to change her dressings again. Mac was laid out flat and stayed quiet and the nurse went about her business. She felt the gauze pulling away from her skin, but couldn't see anything from her position. She wanted to see ... but then again she didn't.
Alone again, Mac let herself drift. Her mind welcomed the quiet, and she fell into sleep.
A new dream came to her.
She was sitting on the couch in Harm's apartment. Soft jazz played in the background. He was on the floor, rubbing her feet. She could feel the warmth of his hands winding its way up her aching calves.
His hand caressed her large belly. She felt something move. Her heart soared as she realized she was pregnant. Harm moved up to sit alongside her on the couch. His hand rubbing over the baby. She placed her hand over his. She looked out across the living room to see a dozen small children. Her mind reasoning that they must have opened a day care.
Harm stood up and began pulling her to her feet, towards the door. The toddlers had disappeared. Her feet weren't moving. They were sinking a little into the floor. Harm kept smiling and encouraging her.
There was a portable delivery room out in the hallway. Harm settled her into the birthing chair, and she felt contractions. The top of the doctor's head was visible from between her legs.
She heard Harm tell her to push, and she did. She felt a long pressure in her belly, and then the doctor was holding up a baby. Harm kissed her, beaming. She watched Harm cut the cord, and take the baby in his arms. He started towards her, but then handed the baby over to a man in the corner.
The Taliban leader came out of the shadows, cradling the baby and smiling.
Mac started to panic, trying to get out of the chair. Large cuffs secured her. She pleaded for her baby. The face before her warped and changed. The Afghani features faded into darkness. The hallway shifted, and she was in the Afghan desert, in her khakis. The Shadow was holding her baby a few yards, rocking it gently. She screamed and tried to run after it, but again her feet dragged, the ground pulling her legs down.
She stumbled, falling. Looking up, she saw the Shadow disappearing through the rocks, her baby looking at her from over its shoulder. Then they were gone. She cried out in desperation.
She curled up on the ground, wrapping her arms around her waist.
Mac woke up screaming, Harm shaking her and trying to calm her thrashing body.
"SARAH! SARAH!" She heard him through her panic, and slowly began to calm down.
She felt him ease her back onto the bed, looking intently into her eyes. He got up and went to the bathroom, coming back with a washcloth and water. She closed her eyes as he smoothed the cool water over her face, brushing the sweat from her forehead.
"God, Sarah, you scared me half to death," he whispered.
She couldn't answer him. The dream still too real.
"You were having a nightmare. I couldn't get you to wake up," he continued. "Sarah, please tell me ..."
Her eyes brimming, she opened her mouth. Her jaw worked, wanting to pour everything out to him. But she couldn't do it.
"It was nothing. I'm all right. It was just ..."
His hand cupping her face stopped her.
"Sarah ... "
She felt herself about to crack, but she couldn't let that happen. She couldn't fall apart, not now. Her voice hardened.
"Harm, it's NOTHING. Just drop it OK?"
She saw the hurt in his eyes. He pulled back a little, unsure of himself. She turned away from him, unable to face what she was doing to him.
"I'll be fine," she whispered, more to herself than to him, "Everything's going to be OK."
Deep inside, she desperately tried to believe it was true.
AWAKEN TO LOSS
Series: A Trip to Afghanistan
Author: Piper86
Email: improvkris@yahoo.com
Rating: PG-13
Classification: Harm/Mac pairing, JAG story
Spoilers: Not really
CHAPTER VI AWAKEN TO LOSS
Harm bolted upright, jerked out of a sound sleep by the hand gently shaking his shoulder. He pressed his fingers into his face, rubbing and blinking his eyes. Trying to focus. His mind protested against the glare from the overhead light. When his vision cleared, he found himself face to face with Mac's surgeons. They had both pulled up chairs and were sitting across from the cot, waiting to speak to him.
Harm looked past them to the still empty space where Mac's bed had been. He looked at the window, only to find a reflection of the room against the blackness beyond the glass. He then turned his back to the doctors.
"Night already? How late is it?"
"It's just after midnight, Cmdr. Rabb," Dr. Caldwell replied. "We just finished with Colonel MacKenzie about a half hour ago."
Harm swung his legs over the side of the cot, sitting up fully and locking eyes with Caldwell, then Davis. Apprehension tightened his features.
"How ... how is she ... ?"
Dr. Caldwell took a deep breath. "She survived the surgery. She's in recovery right now, and we're monitoring her closely. If all goes well, we should be able to bring her back to the room in a few hours."
Harm felt a pang of relief. Mac was alive. But then he saw the surgeons exchanging glances, and a sensation of dread crept over him. He mind flashed back to their last hour aboard the Seahawk, when Cmdr. Haskett had tried to warn him about Mac's condition.
...she's been fighting for a long time, mostly on her own, and her body is getting very, very weak. She's tired out, she's ... ...
Harm snapped himself out of the memory, turning his attention to Dr. Davis.
"What is it ... ?" he whispered.
Dr. Davis smiled gently at him. Her eyes shone with compassion and sadness.
"Commander Rabb," she began slowly, "I ... we both ... felt it was best to fill you in on everything that went on during surgery. When Colonel MacKenzie wakes up, she will need your support."
Harm felt his hands begin to tremble. He felt a surge of nervous energy catapult itself from the base of his spine to his skull. He gripped his knees with his hands, holding his breath as she continued.
"First, we should tell you that the damage to her hand was not as extensive as we had feared. One of our best orthopedic surgeons was just finishing up on it as we left, and his prognosis is positive. She will have to wear a cast for several weeks, and there will most likely be some damage to her fine motor control. She may not be able to grip very tightly with that hand."
Harm was relieved to hear, but wondered why she had started talking about Mac's hand, and not her more serious injuries.
He soon found out.
"Nathan -- Dr. Caldwell - began the procedure in the Colonel's chest cavity. He had to assess the damage to her lung..."
"What I found was not good." Caldwell continued, "The tissue had been deprived of oxygen for too long and had atrophied. I had to excise the lung. It was a successful procedure, and we were able to remove her from the ventilator. She's breathing on her own right now."
Harm let out a sharp gasp. Mac had lost a lung?
"Too much time lapsed between the original injury and the attempt to reinflate," Caldwell explained further, "We understand the circumstances forced a delay in treatment, and honestly we don't know if we could have saved it even if we had gotten to her sooner..."
Harm was staring down at the floor, absorbing as much of what Caldwell was saying as he could. He felt like a hurricane was blowing through his mind.
"Cmdr. Rabb, are you all right?" Dr. Davis touched his hand.
Harm could only nod briefly.
Caldwell began again. "We're sorry we don't know what kind of an effect this will have on her military career. If she is stationed in Afghanistan, then..."
"No. She's ... we're both lawyers at JAG."
"I see. It is possible to function quite well with only one lung. It will make extreme physical activity difficult, but her office and courtroom duties shouldn't be affected..."
Harm nodded absently, his mind focusing on Mac. God, what she had gone through. For him.
Dr. Davis hesitated, waiting for Harm to adjust so she could. He looked at her and urged her to continue. Her eyes dropped away from his gaze uneasily, intent on the hands clenched in her lap.
"What?" he demanded.
"Cmdr. Rabb, once Nathan finished with her chest, I began an exploratory of her abdomen. I wanted to assess and repair any damage. Her spleen threatened to rupture, so we removed it."
She began rubbing her hands over the tops of her thighs. Harm watched her, feeling his stomach tighten.
"I continued the exploratory, and did not find any major damage in her liver, kidneys, intestine, bowel..."
Harm heard her words and felt he should be more relieved than he was. His investigative instincts kicked in ... she was hesitating, skirting. What was she holding back?
He was not prepared for what she told him next.
"I ... there was some unusual distention in her uterus. I thought at first the Colonel might be pregnant, but blood tests were negative." She looked at Dr. Caldwell, who nodded his support. She continued.
"The distention was caused by a large blood clot. A ruptured blood vessel leaked into her uterus, filling it completely. She must have taken a sharp blow to her lower abdomen."
Harm swallowed hard. "She ... she was kicked repeatedly."
Davis nodded. "The clot put enough pressure on the ruptured vessel to keep her from bleeding out. Once we removed the clot, it began bleeding again. We found the source and tied it off. We ... um ... didn't have a choice but to ..."
Harm stood up, moving quickly to the window. He stared out, unable to see anything in the blackness but his own reflection staring back at him. His ears burned as her words reached him.
"Tying off the blood vessel effectively cut off blood circulation to her uterus. The blood clot caused some damage when we removed it as well, particularly from her fallopian tubes. Commander, I am so sorry, but we had to remove it."
Harm kept staring at his own reflection. His own eyes staring back at him ... accusing.
For you.
He slowly turned to face the doctors. "Go on ..."
Davis stood up and crossed the room to him. "We had to take her uterus, and parts of her fallopian tubes. If we had left them, there would have been too great a risk to her recovery. An infection could have killed her."
"I understand, doctor. Thank you ... thank you for saving her." Harm barely whispered.
Caldwell rose and touched his colleague's arm. "Meaghan, let's leave the Commander alone for awhile. Commander, the Colonel should be coming back here in a few hours. She's going to need your help to get through this."
With that, the two surgeons retreated into the bright lights of the hallway. Harm was left alone, the silence pressing around him.
Oh, God ... Sarah...
He turned back around to face the window. Once more his own reflection confronted him.
Look at what she has suffered for you. What have you done?
Out in the darkness, floating just at the edge of his view, the Shadow's face appeared.
BETHESDA NAVAL HOSPITAL
CRITICAL CARE UNIT
48 HOURS LATER
Mac had drifted in and out of consciousness since they'd brought her back to the room. The monitors had once more resumed their militant hum, tracking her vital signs. Harm was glad for the silence of the ventilator, as she continued to breath on her own.
He had refused to leave the room, stating clearly that he wasn't going anywhere until she became fully conscious. He had stayed when the nurses came to change her surgical dressings. Keeping out of the way, he watched as they slowly began to remove the padding covering her incisions.
He staggered back a little at the sight of her. Two huge trails snaked their way over her skin, one down the center of her chest and the other curling around her stomach. The angry bruising around them hit him full in the chest.
When they gingerly rolled her onto her side, he got a full view of the scars forming on her back. The nurses were careful not to stretch her skin, for fear of reopening the wounds. Harm winced, as he did every time he saw them. The blood-caked razor blades lying on the interrogation room floor danced before his eyes.
Mac's first ventures into consciousness had consisted of brief eye flutters and a little movement. Harm had pulled his chair right up next to her bed, waiting to see her soft brown eyes. But they had only teased him, her lids becoming too heavy as she drifted off again.
Harm now leaned back in his chair, staring out the window. She was lying on her back, her left arm exposed along the side of her body. He was absently stroking it with his fingertips, lost in thought. He felt her shift and snapped his attention back to her.
Her head turned toward him, her eyes fully open. She gave him a weak smile as he placed his arms on the bed and gently touched her face.
"Hey, sailor," the words cracked in her dry throat.
"Hey there, Marine", he countered, "about time you came around."
"Mmmm. Tired. Bad dreams."
Harm laced his fingers through hers. "You're going to be OK, Sarah."
She blinked slowly, and he felt her trying to lift her hand. She got it a few inches off the bed before she had to let it drop, exhausted from the effort. He gently picked it up, holding it to his face.
She smiled. "You feel good,"
"Not as good as you," he laughed softly.
The moment was broken as the door opened, causing both of them to look and see Dr. Davis entering the room.
"Well, HELLO Colonel!" she smiled as she approached the bed. "Welcome back!" She took Mac's chart and scribbled some notes, then returned her attention back to Mac.
"How are you feeling?"
"Tired ... thirsty ... " Mac whispered.
"You've been through a major trauma and surgery. It's OK to be a little tired," Davis smiled. "Commander, it's all right to get the Colonel some water."
Harm was up immediately, filling the bedside pitcher and a cup. He slid his hand behind Mac's head, lifting her lips to meet the cup. She took a few sips, and he laid her back down. Her eyes didn't leave his.
"Ahem ... " their attention was diverted back to Dr. Davis, "In a few days, we will be setting up your physical therapy schedule. We'll have you up and walking, doing some breathing rehab, and a little later on get you working on your hand."
"Breathing ... ?" Mac's face was a question mark.
Davis pulled a chair up to Mac's bed, opposite Harm. She leaned forward on her arms. "Colonel, I'm afraid that we were unable to save your damaged lung. We had to remove it."
Harm watched Mac's face as Davis' words sank in. He could see the Marine in her coming to the surface.
"Service ... still ... ?" Mac struggled to speak.
Davis nodded her understanding. "Given your assignment to JAG, this should not affect your ability to perform your duties."
Harm felt the tension ease out of her body. Her fingers pressed weakly against his.
"Colonel, I am also going to recommend counseling sessions for you, as part of your recovery. You have been through an ordeal, and we need to address your emotional as well as physical recovery."
Mac looked up at Harm, and he nodded to her. "I think it's a good idea, Sarah."
Mac returned her gaze to the doctor. Harm saw that Davis was about to fill her in on the rest. He stopped her.
"Dr. Davis, would you mind if Sarah and I were alone for awhile. We've got a few things to talk about."
He saw the surprised look on Davis' face. She hesitated, then rose from her chair.
"Um, all right. Colonel, I'll be back soon to check on you. Commander, may I see you out in the hall for a moment?"
Harm gave Mac's hand a light kiss before placing it back on the bed. He touched her face, then followed Davis outside. She immediately confronted him.
"Commander, in my experience, the sooner a patient knows their full condition, the better they are able to deal with it ..."
"Dr. please," Harm interrupted, "I know she needs to know everything. I ... I'm sorry, but I just want her to hear it from me, not you. Let me tell her ... "
Davis blinked, taken aback by Harm's response. "Commander, you have been through an emotional wringer yourself. Are you sure you don't want me to ... ?
"Doctor, I'm not worried about myself, I'm worried about Sarah. I have to. I NEED to. Please, give us this time so I can."
Harm felt Davis' warm hand on his shoulder. She gave him a slight squeeze, then took his hand.
"All right. But if either of you need me, I will be here."
She took two steps backward, then turned and headed off down the hallway. Harm watched her go, thankful she could respect his wishes, and suddenly afraid to go back in the room without her.
Taking a deep breath, he pushed back into Mac's room.
Mac had closed her eyes again. Harm sat down where Davis had been, careful of the cast on her right hand. He touched her arm, and she smiled, turning slowly to look at him. Her eyes were full of feeling.
"Sarah ... I need to tell you about the surgery ..."
BETHESDA NAVAL HOSPITAL
PHYSICAL THERAPY ROOM
ONE WEEK LATER
"That's it, Sarah. Come on. One more lap and we'll call it a day."
Lt. Amy Brandle offered as many encouraging words as she could to the Marine Colonel slowly making her way around the room. Amy had been a godsend from the moment she'd come into Mac's room to brief her on the physical therapy routine. Her positive energy and spirit couldn't help but rub off on Mac a little.
"All RIGHT!" Amy cheered as Mac finally completely her walk. "You'll be running marathons before you know it!"
Mac smiled at the young woman, inwardly wondering if she would ever really be able to run again. The past week had flown by, and she had been able to focus entirely on getting her strength back. She hadn't allowed herself to dwell on all that Harm had told her.
She closed her eyes and saw his face again, telling her everything. The sadness in his eyes had been almost unbearable. He had been so gentle with her it brought her to tears. He had wiped them away with his fingers, softly kissing her face.
We'll get through this, Sarah.
She squeezed her eyes shut, willing the memory away. Back in control, she eased herself into her wheelchair. Amy then pushed her over to one of the tables. She had Mac stretch out her right arm.
"OK Sarah. I just want to get a feel for this hand. See where we're at."
Mac nodded, and tried to relax as Amy began extending and moving the fingers. Mac winced when her middle and ring fingers straightened. Amy nodded, not pursuing the movement any further. She made some notes, then snapped her chart shut.
"Looking pretty good, Sarah." Amy smiled. "We'll get down to some serious strength training for that hand in another couple of weeks. Ready to head back to your room?"
Mac nodded. She was tired.
"Great. I'll take you back, and I think we'll make it in time for a visit from the respiratory therapist."
When they got back to the room, Mike Osgood was already waiting for Mac. Playfully nicknamed Mike O-2 for his breathing therapy, he had been working with Mac since the surgery.
"Hi there Amy, Colonel." He greeted them.
"Hey O-2! The Colonel's just done a lot of hard work for me. Go easy on her today, OK?"
"Sure Amy, thanks."
Mac listened to O-2's cheerful banter as she took long slow breaths for him. He placed a breathing tube to her lips, and she inhaled the vapor deeply. They wanted to make sure she didn't develop pneumonia in her remaining lung.
After Mike left, Mac let out a sigh of relief. She would have 43 minutes to herself before the next round of medical maintenance kicked in. She let herself relax into bed, and closed her eyes.
It seemed like only seconds later when a nurse tapped her shoulder. Time to change her dressings again. Mac was laid out flat and stayed quiet and the nurse went about her business. She felt the gauze pulling away from her skin, but couldn't see anything from her position. She wanted to see ... but then again she didn't.
Alone again, Mac let herself drift. Her mind welcomed the quiet, and she fell into sleep.
A new dream came to her.
She was sitting on the couch in Harm's apartment. Soft jazz played in the background. He was on the floor, rubbing her feet. She could feel the warmth of his hands winding its way up her aching calves.
His hand caressed her large belly. She felt something move. Her heart soared as she realized she was pregnant. Harm moved up to sit alongside her on the couch. His hand rubbing over the baby. She placed her hand over his. She looked out across the living room to see a dozen small children. Her mind reasoning that they must have opened a day care.
Harm stood up and began pulling her to her feet, towards the door. The toddlers had disappeared. Her feet weren't moving. They were sinking a little into the floor. Harm kept smiling and encouraging her.
There was a portable delivery room out in the hallway. Harm settled her into the birthing chair, and she felt contractions. The top of the doctor's head was visible from between her legs.
She heard Harm tell her to push, and she did. She felt a long pressure in her belly, and then the doctor was holding up a baby. Harm kissed her, beaming. She watched Harm cut the cord, and take the baby in his arms. He started towards her, but then handed the baby over to a man in the corner.
The Taliban leader came out of the shadows, cradling the baby and smiling.
Mac started to panic, trying to get out of the chair. Large cuffs secured her. She pleaded for her baby. The face before her warped and changed. The Afghani features faded into darkness. The hallway shifted, and she was in the Afghan desert, in her khakis. The Shadow was holding her baby a few yards, rocking it gently. She screamed and tried to run after it, but again her feet dragged, the ground pulling her legs down.
She stumbled, falling. Looking up, she saw the Shadow disappearing through the rocks, her baby looking at her from over its shoulder. Then they were gone. She cried out in desperation.
She curled up on the ground, wrapping her arms around her waist.
Mac woke up screaming, Harm shaking her and trying to calm her thrashing body.
"SARAH! SARAH!" She heard him through her panic, and slowly began to calm down.
She felt him ease her back onto the bed, looking intently into her eyes. He got up and went to the bathroom, coming back with a washcloth and water. She closed her eyes as he smoothed the cool water over her face, brushing the sweat from her forehead.
"God, Sarah, you scared me half to death," he whispered.
She couldn't answer him. The dream still too real.
"You were having a nightmare. I couldn't get you to wake up," he continued. "Sarah, please tell me ..."
Her eyes brimming, she opened her mouth. Her jaw worked, wanting to pour everything out to him. But she couldn't do it.
"It was nothing. I'm all right. It was just ..."
His hand cupping her face stopped her.
"Sarah ... "
She felt herself about to crack, but she couldn't let that happen. She couldn't fall apart, not now. Her voice hardened.
"Harm, it's NOTHING. Just drop it OK?"
She saw the hurt in his eyes. He pulled back a little, unsure of himself. She turned away from him, unable to face what she was doing to him.
"I'll be fine," she whispered, more to herself than to him, "Everything's going to be OK."
Deep inside, she desperately tried to believe it was true.