Returning to the Light

I stood by myself, not listening to the discussion around me as the group tried to figure out how to get down the 400 foot cliff before us. My mind was elsewhere. It had been elsewhere for the last day or so. ever since the darkness almost killed me. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't the first time something tried to kill me, it was just the first time that the darkness tried.

The darkness, that warm, comfortable place I could always turn to so I could hide away from the world when it all got to be too much. The place I found when I was six, and the undead horrors took my parents from me. The place I went every time someone I cared for left me. The place I hid when the city watch came looking for me when I lifted something I shouldn't have. The place that was my only home. It tried to kill me.

So where could I go now? I don't know. I can't go to the dark places anymore, I'm afraid of them now. I keep my ring face up so that the tiny gem casts its light around me constantly. A fine thing, a rogue who is afraid of the dark. I can't go into the light either, though, I've done too much for the dark to step out there where everyone can see me. Where everyone can see just how useless I am now.

I woke up with Jenna holding me like I was some helpless child. Maybe I am now, I don't know. I know that I am scared and I hate it. The others look at me funny and don't really say anything, but I see it in their eyes, they think I've broken and they'll have to carry me the rest of the way. They won't have to though, I'll show them. I'm still 'One Eyed Cleo' one of the best, and I'll prove it.

I pull my ropes from my backpack and begin tying them together. I don't speak as I do it, I concentrate on the task. Finally someone notices what I'm doing and some other rope is handed to me, I don't remember asking for it but maybe I did. I attach the rest of the ropes and I hand an end to Gunju. He's strong, he can take the weight easily. I kick the rest over the edge and watch it fall.

It's too short, it only reaches halfway. I start to get ready to shimmy down it but then I change my mind. [ If you want to prove you're the best, climb down, don't use the rope.] I reel it back in and separate the sections again. I tell the group the rope is too short, as if they couldn't see that for themselves. I put my pieces back into my pack and shoulder it. I make a quick check that everything on my body is secured and then I move.

Before the rest of them know what I'm up to, I swing out over the ledge and begin to climb down. Somebody, Jenna, I think, calls after me to wait. I don't answer, I just keep moving. If I don't look at them, they won't see my fear. I've never been afraid like this before, If I can't do this, I'm a failure. If I'm a failure, I don't deserve to be with these people who care about me.

I figured that out today too. They care about me. If they didn't they would have just let me die. I feel bad now, for the harsh words I said to them the other day. I can be such a Bitch and it's all because I am afraid to trust and care for others. But they trust and care for me, so I have to return the favor.

I'm halfway down now, I chance a look back up but I only see the glow from N' Kara's ring, the twin to mine. I look down now, the cavern floor is just visible to me. I reach for a new hand hold and it happens, I miss it and lose my grip. I fall, biting off a scream.

I flail desperately for a grip as I fall and I get lucky. My right hand grabs a rock and I latch on with everything I have. A cry of pain escapes me as blood sprays across my face from my fingers. I pull myself up and look at my hand. All of the fingers are split open to the bone from the impact. Oddly, it doesn't hurt too much. I spend a couple of minutes resting and thinking.

I can hear the group above me calling out, trying to see if I'm alright, I ignore them. I have to finish this on my own, I can't let them know just how weak I have become, I can't ask them to carry my weight. It wouldn't be fair. I close my eye and for a minute I remember how safe I felt with Jenna's arms around me, how it reminded me of my mothers warm safe arms all those years ago. Was it only ten years since I had felt those arms?

I open my eye and exhale a breath I hadn't remembered holding. Time to go now. I reach and begin to move down again. And I fall again, my right hand betrays me and I feel myself falling backwards. I close my eye and grin a little, I won't survive this one.[ You don't really care anymore do you?]

I feel strangely at peace as I feel the air rush past me. I know now where I belong, not in the darkness anymore but in the light of a near-forgotten meadow. Where the smell of fresh bread and my mother's perfume fill the air. Where my father is waiting to lift me onto his strong shoulders and cart me into house. Where I am a happy, giggling six-year old again. I briefly wonder if the rest of the group will miss me. I wonder if Jenna knows I lov-

END