Chapter 4: Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to Moria We Go
A/N: thankyou for the reviews and I love the feedback (at least their not flaimers . . . yet.) anyway I need some help with the next chapter cause I'm doing a few assisgnments and am having nothing but WB (Writers Block) . . . so any takers?
~*~ The fellowship had amazingly walked to the path of Moria without a hitch, which is saying something for them all.
Legolas and Gimli had made up because I threatened to get a friend of mine make them two more than just 'friends'. They appoligised really quickly . . . wonder why.
And right know they were about to kill three little people who were getting on their nerves.
"I'm hungry!" said three voices.
"We know!" replied five voices.
"I'm gonna pass out!"
"Gandalf?" came Legolas's voice. "CAN IT!"
"But my arthritis is playing up again." He wined. "That snow is to blame."
"I'm cold!" Boromir complained like a 10 year old brat.
"And were not moving until we get a meal." Said Sam, Merry, Pippin. Fido and Bill just barked and snorted in response.
The rest kept on walking.
"FINE!!" yelled all three.
Two Hours Later . . .
"I'm cold!" Pippin complained and shook icicles from his hair.
"The feelings mutual." Mutter Merry.
"Hay Fatboy!" I shivered.
Sam scrawled. "What shorty?"
"Start a fire!"
"With what?"
"Always trying to get out of your duties with excuses eh?" I sneered.
"Why don't you just use your powers and make one?" Merry tried.
"Your pushing it you are."
"I try." He shrugged.
"I think to stop from freezing we actually need to MOVE?" I said. I got up and pulled my jacket closer to my freezing body. 'Note to self: make this a desert next time.'
"But we're still hungry." Sam said as he pulled a co-operative Bill along.
"Look, stop bitchen', a McDonalds is on the way." And with that I left the five to find their way.
At McDonalds . . .
"I think I'll have a Quarter Pounder Cheeseburger, with a large fries and a diet coke." Legolas pondered.
"A diet coke?" Gimli asked.
"Hay," he protested. "I need to keep my Elven figure, especially when I fight or run. I can't go around with Love Handles now, can I?"
"Will that be Eat-in or take-away?" the woman asked.
"Ummm," he looked outside and noticed the blizard. "Eat-in?"
"Think again." Came Merry's voice as he burst through the doors.
The elf sighed in defeat, knowing now he would never escape. "Take-away." He muttered.
The Gates of Moria . . .
"I think he forgot the password." Merry whispered to his cousin as they reclied on a tree that leaned out to the water. It had been a few hours since they reached the gate and frankly everyone was getting fed up with the senile tour guide.
Aragorn and Sam had tried to release Bill but he refused to budge and latched onto Sam with his teeth when the hobit suggested he should go to the shire and wait for them there.
That was the only time everyone wished they had a camera.
Legolas, who'd gotten bored and decided to read, tossed aside the script. "Okay, this is the only good line I get. So I'm not gonna stuff it up."
He coughed.
"Do not lose hope, little ones, for Gandalf knows the correct words to open The Gates of Moria." He grinned. "I FINALLY SAID SOMETHING SMART!!!!"
Gandalf on the other hand.
"Open up you Mother F&$@ER DOOR!"
"MY EARS!!!" everyone screamed.
"Hay Gandalf?" Merry asked. "What's the Elven word for friend?"
"Rock-mellon, why?"
It was one of those three words that opened the gates.
Pippin walked passed. "Dumbass." He coughed.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!" Gandalf roared which made the gates crumble.
'Crap. And I was gonna sneak out, too.' Fido thought.
"Um . . . Ops?" Gandalf said.
"THANK you very MUCH!!!" Gimli shouted. "No where the hell am I meant to retire to when I'm old and grey? Not here! That's for sure!"
Ignoring him, the rest of the guys walked in and found a very ugly sight.
Dwarves littered the whole entire floor.
"THEIR ALL DEAD!!!" Legolas screamed like a girl after he looked around.
"No." Breathed Aragorn. "Just stoned. Don't worry, everyone is alive and well."
"Can we get a move on, people?" Boromir asked. "And keep it down, there are scary things about."
"Like my future father-in-law." Aragorn muttered.
A few hours later the hobbits had forgotten about Boromir's warning and had burst into a ballad of '100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall'. They were up to 65 bottles when Gandalf had had enough and put a slience charm on them.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you." Legolas groveled.
"Get a HOLD of yourself, man." He snaped and slapped him upside the head.
He paused. "NO IZ PLEASE!!!"
I smiled and threw my lighting bolt at him.
"WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE AIMED IT AT MEEEEEEEEEEE!" Legolas cried, tears pouring down his fair cheeks.
'And get pelted with rotten food? No thanks, my clothes rearly get cleaned as it is.'
"I HATE YOU!!!" he shreaked.
'Shut up or I'll take you bow and arrows away from you.'
"I'll be good." He said and sat down on a rock.
Later the little group of heros reached a fork in the walls and Gandalf realised that he'd lost his mind again.
"Ummm, maybe I should have asked for directions." He muttered as he sat down and lit his pipe.
The rest of the fellowship along with Bill, who was coping with his fear of the dark very well, were just lounging around and veging out on the various rocks and moss that grew everywhere. Merry, Pippin and Fido decided to play fetch with objects that were really broken weapons, they stopped when they nearly lost both ring and puppy down a hole.
Suddenly a slimy creature crawled over a few rocks and Legolas was creeped out.
"Iz? Can you get that . . . that . . . THING! Out of here?" he asked.
'Sorry, no can do.'
"I hate you, I really, really, really HATE you."
'No you don't.'
Rolling his eyes, he went to sit next to the aged geezer who was still trying to figure the right way out.
"Yo, Gandalf? You know that evil thing down there? It looks like Gollum."
"You dumbass. It IS Gollum, he's only been following us since this excuse for a story began."
"Nuh uh!" Legolas protested.
"Yes huh." Gandalf defended.
"Maybe we should kill him."
"Haven't read the second book have you?"
"Uhhh. . . . Ok so we won't kill him." Legolas stuttered. Then something caught his eye on Gandalf's lap. It looked oddly like a map. A very OLD map.
"Hay, Gandalf? Can I have a look at that map on your lap?" the elf asked, he didn't wait for an answer. Mainly because the wizard was on a trip of his own at the moment.
"OH GOD!" Legolas yelled after a few seconds of studing it.
"What?" Aragorn asked.
"We've been going the wrong way!!" Legolas cried in a whiny voice that was on the verge of tears.
"How is that possible?"
Legolas made no remark instead, he just put his hands on his hips and raised his eyebrow. Aragorn caught on and looked at Gandalf. He now knew what the look meant.
"Do you thinke we should drop him off at the old folks home when this is all over?" the ranger asked.
"Oh GOD yes." Merry and Pippin cried.
"What do you have against him?" I said walking up behind Legolas.
"DON'T DO THAT!" Legolas yelled jumping six or twelve feet.
"Whatever." I muttered. "Do you think you could hurry it up? I'm running out of ideas and jokes, and I'm LOSING REVIEWS!!"
"Your loss." Aragorn mummbled.
I glared. "You're also lucky I'm running out of lighting bolts."
"EAK!"
In the Tomb Of That Dead Dwarf Dude . . .
Gandalf was reading from the book he'd ripped from a skeleton. All I can say is YUCK! I mean who would touch a book that's like been bled and rotted on?
"Iz . . . I totally agree with you." Legolas said as he kicked a football size skull around.
"That's still no reason to kick the skulls of the dead around." I said and slapped him upside the head, which was hard because I'm only 4'7 tall.
"Isn't that your band name?" he asked.
"Yeah, Skulls of the Dead."
"Who came up with that?" Pippin asked, holding a chest.
"Believe it or not, my grandfather."
"How long did it last?" Merry smirked.
"Three weeks." I said bowing my head in shame.
Pippin threw the chest down the well.
"He shoots . . . he SCORES!!!!" Merry comentated.
"Alright, time to run like hell." I said and left.
A silence fell in the tomb.
"I'm scared." Legolas muttered.
"Me too," everyone else murrmed.
Out of nowhere the Balrog drooped from the sky.
"What the HELL!" everyone, including the animals, yelled.
"OW! Iz could you make the landing a little softer next time?" he grumbled.
'Sorry, my mistake.'
The Balrog laughed as they ran across the slim bridge.
"I'll get you my pretty's, and the little ringbarer, too."
Now, because Gandalf was still a little wozy from the smoke he decided to play hero. Well, at least he didn't go to Orthanc with Saruman and have another round of breakdancing.
"Hay, pretty colours!" he slurred. "OH! . . . um . . . You shall not, like, pass, dude!"
"Watch me old man!" the Balrog grumbled.
"I SAID!!" he yelled. "YOU . . . SHALL . . . NOT . . . PASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The Balrog just rolled his eyes and walked away, this was more trouble than it was worth to him.
"I AM THE WIZARD!!" Gandalf yelled and promptly tripped off the bridge.
Everyone rushed . . . well walked . . . to his aid.
'Grab him by the BEARD!' the puppy tried to yell, but it came out as a yowl.
All watched as he fell to his doom.
"Damn . . . thats gotta hurt." Pippin said deadpan.
"He's gonna kill you when he crawls out." Merry informed his cousin.
"That's why I'm gonna put as much distance between me and him as possible." Pippin grined. "See? I'm not as stupid as people claim. I've had that little dittiy up my sleave for weeks now."
"So is THAT why you kept asking where the biggest drops were?"
"Yep." The hobbit said proudly.
"I shall never call you stupid again." Merry said slapping Pippin on the back.
"And I shall never call a Pot Smokin' Hippy either." His cousin said.
"You never did." Merry stated.
"Not that you know of." Pippin muttered under his breath.
"Does this have something realated to why my future wife-to-be brok up with me and went and married a PROUDFOOT?"
"Ummmm . . . maybe."
"You weed smoking arse is mine." And with that Merry chased him until they made it to the Golden wood.
~*~
Will they make it to the Golden Wood in one piece?
Will Bill give up on biting Sam?
Is Frodo ENJOYING being a dog rather than a hobbit?
And what is Aragorns REAL secret?
Find out in Chapter 5: Elves, Witches and Confessions . . . Oh My
A/N: thankyou for the reviews and I love the feedback (at least their not flaimers . . . yet.) anyway I need some help with the next chapter cause I'm doing a few assisgnments and am having nothing but WB (Writers Block) . . . so any takers?
~*~ The fellowship had amazingly walked to the path of Moria without a hitch, which is saying something for them all.
Legolas and Gimli had made up because I threatened to get a friend of mine make them two more than just 'friends'. They appoligised really quickly . . . wonder why.
And right know they were about to kill three little people who were getting on their nerves.
"I'm hungry!" said three voices.
"We know!" replied five voices.
"I'm gonna pass out!"
"Gandalf?" came Legolas's voice. "CAN IT!"
"But my arthritis is playing up again." He wined. "That snow is to blame."
"I'm cold!" Boromir complained like a 10 year old brat.
"And were not moving until we get a meal." Said Sam, Merry, Pippin. Fido and Bill just barked and snorted in response.
The rest kept on walking.
"FINE!!" yelled all three.
Two Hours Later . . .
"I'm cold!" Pippin complained and shook icicles from his hair.
"The feelings mutual." Mutter Merry.
"Hay Fatboy!" I shivered.
Sam scrawled. "What shorty?"
"Start a fire!"
"With what?"
"Always trying to get out of your duties with excuses eh?" I sneered.
"Why don't you just use your powers and make one?" Merry tried.
"Your pushing it you are."
"I try." He shrugged.
"I think to stop from freezing we actually need to MOVE?" I said. I got up and pulled my jacket closer to my freezing body. 'Note to self: make this a desert next time.'
"But we're still hungry." Sam said as he pulled a co-operative Bill along.
"Look, stop bitchen', a McDonalds is on the way." And with that I left the five to find their way.
At McDonalds . . .
"I think I'll have a Quarter Pounder Cheeseburger, with a large fries and a diet coke." Legolas pondered.
"A diet coke?" Gimli asked.
"Hay," he protested. "I need to keep my Elven figure, especially when I fight or run. I can't go around with Love Handles now, can I?"
"Will that be Eat-in or take-away?" the woman asked.
"Ummm," he looked outside and noticed the blizard. "Eat-in?"
"Think again." Came Merry's voice as he burst through the doors.
The elf sighed in defeat, knowing now he would never escape. "Take-away." He muttered.
The Gates of Moria . . .
"I think he forgot the password." Merry whispered to his cousin as they reclied on a tree that leaned out to the water. It had been a few hours since they reached the gate and frankly everyone was getting fed up with the senile tour guide.
Aragorn and Sam had tried to release Bill but he refused to budge and latched onto Sam with his teeth when the hobit suggested he should go to the shire and wait for them there.
That was the only time everyone wished they had a camera.
Legolas, who'd gotten bored and decided to read, tossed aside the script. "Okay, this is the only good line I get. So I'm not gonna stuff it up."
He coughed.
"Do not lose hope, little ones, for Gandalf knows the correct words to open The Gates of Moria." He grinned. "I FINALLY SAID SOMETHING SMART!!!!"
Gandalf on the other hand.
"Open up you Mother F&$@ER DOOR!"
"MY EARS!!!" everyone screamed.
"Hay Gandalf?" Merry asked. "What's the Elven word for friend?"
"Rock-mellon, why?"
It was one of those three words that opened the gates.
Pippin walked passed. "Dumbass." He coughed.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!" Gandalf roared which made the gates crumble.
'Crap. And I was gonna sneak out, too.' Fido thought.
"Um . . . Ops?" Gandalf said.
"THANK you very MUCH!!!" Gimli shouted. "No where the hell am I meant to retire to when I'm old and grey? Not here! That's for sure!"
Ignoring him, the rest of the guys walked in and found a very ugly sight.
Dwarves littered the whole entire floor.
"THEIR ALL DEAD!!!" Legolas screamed like a girl after he looked around.
"No." Breathed Aragorn. "Just stoned. Don't worry, everyone is alive and well."
"Can we get a move on, people?" Boromir asked. "And keep it down, there are scary things about."
"Like my future father-in-law." Aragorn muttered.
A few hours later the hobbits had forgotten about Boromir's warning and had burst into a ballad of '100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall'. They were up to 65 bottles when Gandalf had had enough and put a slience charm on them.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you." Legolas groveled.
"Get a HOLD of yourself, man." He snaped and slapped him upside the head.
He paused. "NO IZ PLEASE!!!"
I smiled and threw my lighting bolt at him.
"WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE AIMED IT AT MEEEEEEEEEEE!" Legolas cried, tears pouring down his fair cheeks.
'And get pelted with rotten food? No thanks, my clothes rearly get cleaned as it is.'
"I HATE YOU!!!" he shreaked.
'Shut up or I'll take you bow and arrows away from you.'
"I'll be good." He said and sat down on a rock.
Later the little group of heros reached a fork in the walls and Gandalf realised that he'd lost his mind again.
"Ummm, maybe I should have asked for directions." He muttered as he sat down and lit his pipe.
The rest of the fellowship along with Bill, who was coping with his fear of the dark very well, were just lounging around and veging out on the various rocks and moss that grew everywhere. Merry, Pippin and Fido decided to play fetch with objects that were really broken weapons, they stopped when they nearly lost both ring and puppy down a hole.
Suddenly a slimy creature crawled over a few rocks and Legolas was creeped out.
"Iz? Can you get that . . . that . . . THING! Out of here?" he asked.
'Sorry, no can do.'
"I hate you, I really, really, really HATE you."
'No you don't.'
Rolling his eyes, he went to sit next to the aged geezer who was still trying to figure the right way out.
"Yo, Gandalf? You know that evil thing down there? It looks like Gollum."
"You dumbass. It IS Gollum, he's only been following us since this excuse for a story began."
"Nuh uh!" Legolas protested.
"Yes huh." Gandalf defended.
"Maybe we should kill him."
"Haven't read the second book have you?"
"Uhhh. . . . Ok so we won't kill him." Legolas stuttered. Then something caught his eye on Gandalf's lap. It looked oddly like a map. A very OLD map.
"Hay, Gandalf? Can I have a look at that map on your lap?" the elf asked, he didn't wait for an answer. Mainly because the wizard was on a trip of his own at the moment.
"OH GOD!" Legolas yelled after a few seconds of studing it.
"What?" Aragorn asked.
"We've been going the wrong way!!" Legolas cried in a whiny voice that was on the verge of tears.
"How is that possible?"
Legolas made no remark instead, he just put his hands on his hips and raised his eyebrow. Aragorn caught on and looked at Gandalf. He now knew what the look meant.
"Do you thinke we should drop him off at the old folks home when this is all over?" the ranger asked.
"Oh GOD yes." Merry and Pippin cried.
"What do you have against him?" I said walking up behind Legolas.
"DON'T DO THAT!" Legolas yelled jumping six or twelve feet.
"Whatever." I muttered. "Do you think you could hurry it up? I'm running out of ideas and jokes, and I'm LOSING REVIEWS!!"
"Your loss." Aragorn mummbled.
I glared. "You're also lucky I'm running out of lighting bolts."
"EAK!"
In the Tomb Of That Dead Dwarf Dude . . .
Gandalf was reading from the book he'd ripped from a skeleton. All I can say is YUCK! I mean who would touch a book that's like been bled and rotted on?
"Iz . . . I totally agree with you." Legolas said as he kicked a football size skull around.
"That's still no reason to kick the skulls of the dead around." I said and slapped him upside the head, which was hard because I'm only 4'7 tall.
"Isn't that your band name?" he asked.
"Yeah, Skulls of the Dead."
"Who came up with that?" Pippin asked, holding a chest.
"Believe it or not, my grandfather."
"How long did it last?" Merry smirked.
"Three weeks." I said bowing my head in shame.
Pippin threw the chest down the well.
"He shoots . . . he SCORES!!!!" Merry comentated.
"Alright, time to run like hell." I said and left.
A silence fell in the tomb.
"I'm scared." Legolas muttered.
"Me too," everyone else murrmed.
Out of nowhere the Balrog drooped from the sky.
"What the HELL!" everyone, including the animals, yelled.
"OW! Iz could you make the landing a little softer next time?" he grumbled.
'Sorry, my mistake.'
The Balrog laughed as they ran across the slim bridge.
"I'll get you my pretty's, and the little ringbarer, too."
Now, because Gandalf was still a little wozy from the smoke he decided to play hero. Well, at least he didn't go to Orthanc with Saruman and have another round of breakdancing.
"Hay, pretty colours!" he slurred. "OH! . . . um . . . You shall not, like, pass, dude!"
"Watch me old man!" the Balrog grumbled.
"I SAID!!" he yelled. "YOU . . . SHALL . . . NOT . . . PASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The Balrog just rolled his eyes and walked away, this was more trouble than it was worth to him.
"I AM THE WIZARD!!" Gandalf yelled and promptly tripped off the bridge.
Everyone rushed . . . well walked . . . to his aid.
'Grab him by the BEARD!' the puppy tried to yell, but it came out as a yowl.
All watched as he fell to his doom.
"Damn . . . thats gotta hurt." Pippin said deadpan.
"He's gonna kill you when he crawls out." Merry informed his cousin.
"That's why I'm gonna put as much distance between me and him as possible." Pippin grined. "See? I'm not as stupid as people claim. I've had that little dittiy up my sleave for weeks now."
"So is THAT why you kept asking where the biggest drops were?"
"Yep." The hobbit said proudly.
"I shall never call you stupid again." Merry said slapping Pippin on the back.
"And I shall never call a Pot Smokin' Hippy either." His cousin said.
"You never did." Merry stated.
"Not that you know of." Pippin muttered under his breath.
"Does this have something realated to why my future wife-to-be brok up with me and went and married a PROUDFOOT?"
"Ummmm . . . maybe."
"You weed smoking arse is mine." And with that Merry chased him until they made it to the Golden wood.
~*~
Will they make it to the Golden Wood in one piece?
Will Bill give up on biting Sam?
Is Frodo ENJOYING being a dog rather than a hobbit?
And what is Aragorns REAL secret?
Find out in Chapter 5: Elves, Witches and Confessions . . . Oh My