Disclaimer: Paramount owns these characters, I'm just taking them out for a
spin without permission.
"What happened to your access code?" Reed looked puzzled.
"I changed it." Archer's voice was flat and had no emotion to it.
"Oh" Reed looked about him, there wasn't the usual smell of cooking in the air the soft guitar music was missing and Archer was standing watching the stars go by. "What's wrong?"
Archer turned to face Reed. "What's wrong is I'm head over heels in love with you." His voice was flat again.
"I don't understand"
Archer heard the uncertainty in Reed's voice. He moved away from the stars, they didn't give answers to his questions and they didn't assure him what he was about to do was the right thing he was in uncharted space and uncharted waters. He took the chair opposite Malcolm.
"What I mean is, I told you yesterday I didn't know what I wanted. It's not true anymore. I love you and I want to be with you. I want everyone to know about us and what we mean to each other, I want to live with you, I want to work with you, above all I want to be with you."
Reed felt his eyes sting with tears, he blinked them back. No one had ever said anything that beautiful to him no one had ever loved him that much. Still he felt there was something else. "I."
"Let me finish. please I need to get this all out. But I can't have what I want. I can't be with you not when I'm your commanding officer, not while we serve on the same ship. I know how harsh Starfleet can be when you break the rules and me being in a relationship is an unwritten rule set in stone.
The Anderson case all but proved what an ass Starfleet can be about fraternisation. They can't do much to me Malcolm put me behind a desk somewhere away from all the action that's all. But I love you too much."
He stopped and sniffed blinking away tears. " I love you too much to, let them hurt you. People will doubt you, say and do things that will hurt. What happens if we break up? Love doesn't conquer all Malcolm the odds are stacked against us. I don't want to hurt you." He stopped the tears running freely. He held on to the thought that with Malcolm's happiness came his happiness. This saved him the humiliation Starfleet could give out, this would make them both happy. In time.
"You've already hurt me." Hot tears landing in large drops on his cheeks.
"You'll get over me. Find someone else." A sob escaped as Archer thought of Malcolm with someone else.
"Not like you Jon, never like you." Malcolm walked over to Archer and knelt in front of him reaching over and touching his cheeks sleek with tears.
"There'll be others, Don't put everything you've worked for at risk for me please Malcolm don't" Archer held Reed's hand in his still touching his cheek wanting, needing that closeness.
"Wh-" he sobbed "Why not? I love you I'll do anything to be with you. I'll leave Starfleet, anything"
"No. no. I won't ask you. I won't let you give up everything for me. Starfleet's your life. That and your guns." They smiled at the weak attempt at a joke. "You've worked too hard. I've worked to hard."
Malcolm pulled his hand away from Archers and jerked himself away suddenly, without his touch Archer felt alone.
"I should have guessed that this wasn't about me, It's about you not wanting to lose everything lose command of this ship, lose your good name and reputation in Starfleet."
"It's not like that." Archer stood up and walked over to him placing his hands on Reed's shoulders. "It's not worth loosing everything, for both of us."
Reed's shoulders shook and his body tensed. "This" he motioned about him. "All this, the ship it's nothing. It's going to fade away and one-day people will have only a memory. Your name will be in all the history books but what will it matter when your sitting alone watching the stars longing to be back there thinking about a long decommissioned ship, an old man everyone knows of, with no one beside him no one to love him?"
Reed brushed Archers arms away and moved to the door. Feeling for the chair, Archer sat down again the slight thud of the door behind Malcolm adding closure, he'd done it. He'd put an end to the best thing in his life for the sake of everything he had so far.
It'd been for the best, this wasn't just about Malcolm or himself this was about the lives of the hundreds of people who looked up to him to keep them safe in what Trip once called 'A wonderful tin can'. This was about the billions back on earth relying on him to make the right decisions to make sure this mission was successful, this was about earning humans their independence from the stranglehold the Vulcan's had on them this was bigger than he was.
Without Malcolm's presence the room felt empty, his heart felt empty, his life was empty he suddenly felt claustrophobic not of the room but of the ship, of Starfleet of his life.
"Why didn't you ask me?" Archer was facing Reed again, the ready room seemed larger to him now, too large it stopped him from feeling close to Malcolm stopped him feeling his presence.
"With all due respect sir I thought it wise to ask commander T'pol due to." He paused for a while. "Recent events."
"Malcolm, come on this hurts me too. I just wanna know you don't hate me so much you won't even talk to me about work on a professional level."
"Would it matter if I did?" His voice was bitter, Archer noticed that not once had Reed looked him in the eye.
"Damn it Malcolm, yes. Yes it would matter 'cause I know you're not like that. I know you keep work just about work and everything else doesn't factor into it."
"I used to keep work just work." Another pause "Captain."
Archer knew that had being intended as a blow, and it found it's target and hit well Archer found himself taking shallow breath as though he'd being hit with a physical blow.
"Please Malcolm, I don't trust myself enough to be friends but can we please be colleagues that get along on a professional level?"
"If that's what you want." His voice was flat and toneless holding no emotion.
"Do I have permission to accompany Commander Reed and ensign Mayweather to the surface captain? The time to think alone would be much appreciated."
"Yes I guess so. What's the risk factor these Aliens they're not hostile are they?"
"Why do you care? I would have thought a few more run ins with hostile life forms would be right up your street, after all they bring commendations from Starfleet and a place in history do they not?
Archer closed his eyes trying to keep calm, he couldn't place why but suddenly he felt angry not because of what Reed said he knew he'd be the same in his shoes, but because he loved him so much.
It made him angry this whole situation that they were in made him hate everything, he needed to hurt someone in return and in front of him stood the perfect target. Part of the problem and in his own mind he felt if he could hurt Reed enough, so he hated Archer it would somehow make Reed hurt less about the break up and ease some of Archer's own pain.
"I care because I'm risking members of my crew. I'm not asking you as an ex- lover because that's all you were lieutenant, a lover, and a passing fling. I'm asking you as my security officer who's job it is to keep this crew from harm in case he'd been misled about that as well as his status in my life."
Malcolm swallowed visibly, his body tensed again and his jaw formed a tight line. Archer couldn't stop not now, he had to make Reed hate him make him wonder what he ever saw in Archer, be grateful things ended when thy did before he got in too deep. "Stand to attention lieutenant. Remember this Mr Reed you'd be best to put this entire episode of your life to one side because it meant nothing to me and if it meant something to you then you were a fool."
Archer's eyes stung with tears and he dared not blink in case they spilled over. "Dismissed lieutenant."
Reed walked out his shoulders high and his chin up, Archer knew he was hurt he always did that when he was hurt he would never let you see it though you had to know he corrected himself to have known him well to understand his body language.
"What happened to your access code?" Reed looked puzzled.
"I changed it." Archer's voice was flat and had no emotion to it.
"Oh" Reed looked about him, there wasn't the usual smell of cooking in the air the soft guitar music was missing and Archer was standing watching the stars go by. "What's wrong?"
Archer turned to face Reed. "What's wrong is I'm head over heels in love with you." His voice was flat again.
"I don't understand"
Archer heard the uncertainty in Reed's voice. He moved away from the stars, they didn't give answers to his questions and they didn't assure him what he was about to do was the right thing he was in uncharted space and uncharted waters. He took the chair opposite Malcolm.
"What I mean is, I told you yesterday I didn't know what I wanted. It's not true anymore. I love you and I want to be with you. I want everyone to know about us and what we mean to each other, I want to live with you, I want to work with you, above all I want to be with you."
Reed felt his eyes sting with tears, he blinked them back. No one had ever said anything that beautiful to him no one had ever loved him that much. Still he felt there was something else. "I."
"Let me finish. please I need to get this all out. But I can't have what I want. I can't be with you not when I'm your commanding officer, not while we serve on the same ship. I know how harsh Starfleet can be when you break the rules and me being in a relationship is an unwritten rule set in stone.
The Anderson case all but proved what an ass Starfleet can be about fraternisation. They can't do much to me Malcolm put me behind a desk somewhere away from all the action that's all. But I love you too much."
He stopped and sniffed blinking away tears. " I love you too much to, let them hurt you. People will doubt you, say and do things that will hurt. What happens if we break up? Love doesn't conquer all Malcolm the odds are stacked against us. I don't want to hurt you." He stopped the tears running freely. He held on to the thought that with Malcolm's happiness came his happiness. This saved him the humiliation Starfleet could give out, this would make them both happy. In time.
"You've already hurt me." Hot tears landing in large drops on his cheeks.
"You'll get over me. Find someone else." A sob escaped as Archer thought of Malcolm with someone else.
"Not like you Jon, never like you." Malcolm walked over to Archer and knelt in front of him reaching over and touching his cheeks sleek with tears.
"There'll be others, Don't put everything you've worked for at risk for me please Malcolm don't" Archer held Reed's hand in his still touching his cheek wanting, needing that closeness.
"Wh-" he sobbed "Why not? I love you I'll do anything to be with you. I'll leave Starfleet, anything"
"No. no. I won't ask you. I won't let you give up everything for me. Starfleet's your life. That and your guns." They smiled at the weak attempt at a joke. "You've worked too hard. I've worked to hard."
Malcolm pulled his hand away from Archers and jerked himself away suddenly, without his touch Archer felt alone.
"I should have guessed that this wasn't about me, It's about you not wanting to lose everything lose command of this ship, lose your good name and reputation in Starfleet."
"It's not like that." Archer stood up and walked over to him placing his hands on Reed's shoulders. "It's not worth loosing everything, for both of us."
Reed's shoulders shook and his body tensed. "This" he motioned about him. "All this, the ship it's nothing. It's going to fade away and one-day people will have only a memory. Your name will be in all the history books but what will it matter when your sitting alone watching the stars longing to be back there thinking about a long decommissioned ship, an old man everyone knows of, with no one beside him no one to love him?"
Reed brushed Archers arms away and moved to the door. Feeling for the chair, Archer sat down again the slight thud of the door behind Malcolm adding closure, he'd done it. He'd put an end to the best thing in his life for the sake of everything he had so far.
It'd been for the best, this wasn't just about Malcolm or himself this was about the lives of the hundreds of people who looked up to him to keep them safe in what Trip once called 'A wonderful tin can'. This was about the billions back on earth relying on him to make the right decisions to make sure this mission was successful, this was about earning humans their independence from the stranglehold the Vulcan's had on them this was bigger than he was.
Without Malcolm's presence the room felt empty, his heart felt empty, his life was empty he suddenly felt claustrophobic not of the room but of the ship, of Starfleet of his life.
"Why didn't you ask me?" Archer was facing Reed again, the ready room seemed larger to him now, too large it stopped him from feeling close to Malcolm stopped him feeling his presence.
"With all due respect sir I thought it wise to ask commander T'pol due to." He paused for a while. "Recent events."
"Malcolm, come on this hurts me too. I just wanna know you don't hate me so much you won't even talk to me about work on a professional level."
"Would it matter if I did?" His voice was bitter, Archer noticed that not once had Reed looked him in the eye.
"Damn it Malcolm, yes. Yes it would matter 'cause I know you're not like that. I know you keep work just about work and everything else doesn't factor into it."
"I used to keep work just work." Another pause "Captain."
Archer knew that had being intended as a blow, and it found it's target and hit well Archer found himself taking shallow breath as though he'd being hit with a physical blow.
"Please Malcolm, I don't trust myself enough to be friends but can we please be colleagues that get along on a professional level?"
"If that's what you want." His voice was flat and toneless holding no emotion.
"Do I have permission to accompany Commander Reed and ensign Mayweather to the surface captain? The time to think alone would be much appreciated."
"Yes I guess so. What's the risk factor these Aliens they're not hostile are they?"
"Why do you care? I would have thought a few more run ins with hostile life forms would be right up your street, after all they bring commendations from Starfleet and a place in history do they not?
Archer closed his eyes trying to keep calm, he couldn't place why but suddenly he felt angry not because of what Reed said he knew he'd be the same in his shoes, but because he loved him so much.
It made him angry this whole situation that they were in made him hate everything, he needed to hurt someone in return and in front of him stood the perfect target. Part of the problem and in his own mind he felt if he could hurt Reed enough, so he hated Archer it would somehow make Reed hurt less about the break up and ease some of Archer's own pain.
"I care because I'm risking members of my crew. I'm not asking you as an ex- lover because that's all you were lieutenant, a lover, and a passing fling. I'm asking you as my security officer who's job it is to keep this crew from harm in case he'd been misled about that as well as his status in my life."
Malcolm swallowed visibly, his body tensed again and his jaw formed a tight line. Archer couldn't stop not now, he had to make Reed hate him make him wonder what he ever saw in Archer, be grateful things ended when thy did before he got in too deep. "Stand to attention lieutenant. Remember this Mr Reed you'd be best to put this entire episode of your life to one side because it meant nothing to me and if it meant something to you then you were a fool."
Archer's eyes stung with tears and he dared not blink in case they spilled over. "Dismissed lieutenant."
Reed walked out his shoulders high and his chin up, Archer knew he was hurt he always did that when he was hurt he would never let you see it though you had to know he corrected himself to have known him well to understand his body language.