Chapter 2: The One that Comes After Chapter 1
Scene 4
The scene opens to show a party at Cid's house. Cid is yelling obscenities at the guests.
Tidus and Zell have been standing in the corner talking for a while.
TIDUS: Oh my god! There's Yuna and she just looked at me!
Yuna is talking with two of her friends and obviously hadn't looked at Tidus.
Zell: Go talk to her, dumbass.
Quistis comes up and whispers something to Zell. They both leave.
Tidus walks towards Yuna slowly, trying to look cool. Instead, he trips over an ottoman.
Yuna and her friends watch and laugh while Tidus crumples on the floor, crying and wetting himself.
TIDUS (bawling): WAAA!!! DON'T LAUGH AT ME!!! WAAAA!!!
The scene changes to show Wakka in a car with Yuffie.
WAKKA: Wow, it sure is beautiful or something, ya?
YUFFIE (suspiciously): What do you mean by that?
WAKKA: Uhhh.... suck me beautiful?
YUFFIE: YOU SICK BLITZBALL PERVERT! ALTHOUGH I APPEAR TO BE ONLY ABOUT 14 IN THE GAME FFVII I'M REALLY 12!!!
WAKKA: I don't see how that would stop you....
YUFFIE: Pervert! I'm taking you back to the party!
The scene changes to show Zell and Quistis making out on a bed.
ZELL: Quisty, I think it's time for us to take the next step in our relationship. It's such a perfect evening.
SOMEONE OUTSIDE: THE HOT DOGS ARE HERE!!! HOT DOGS!!!
ZELL: HOT DOGS?!?!?!?? HOT DOGS!!!!!
Zell runs out of the room.
Quistis: Dammit.
Just then Cid bursts in with Shera.
CID: Please vacate the room.
Quistis leaves.
CID: Shera, lets have sex.
SHERA: OK.
They get naked. "Sending a Dream Into the Universe" starts playing.
CID: Oh yeah... this rocket's ready for blastoff.
CID (in a voiceover like from a flashback): That day... all my dreams were going to come true. I was going to have sex.
SHERA: Here, use this ShinRa #26 condom.
CID (disappointed): Oh alright. Now... the rocket is going to launch into space.
SHERA: Wait! The condom has a hole!
CID: But we've already started!
SHERA: It will only take me a moment to fix it!
CID: But Shera! I'm going to lose it!
CID (in a voiceover): What was she doing? She was destroying my dreams... I was counting down to losing my arousal... and once I lost it there'd be no getting it back.
CID: 5....4....
SHERA: I've almost done it...
CID: 3.... 2...
SHERA: Just a second longer...
CID: DAMMIT SHERA!!!!!!! &*$^@!&@$^!@!
The scene changes because the author feels it's starting to become too much FF7 and not enough American Pie.
Cid, Tidus, and Zell are standing upstairs.
CID:.... and that was that. My rocket will never fire. My dream....
TIDUS: Hey at least you did better than I did with Yuna.
CID: Like that helps.
Cid leaves.
ZELL: Dude, is that Highwind's mom?
TIDUS: Wow look at the family resemblence!
Zell looks at Tidus oddly.
PALMER: Yeah... that chick's a MILF
RUFUS: MILF! MILF!
Squall Leonhart gestures from a room nearby for Tidus and Zell to come.
SQUALL: Could you guys keep it down? I just met this chick and we're about to get it on.
Zell and Tidus are surprised to see Rinoa on a bed.
SQUALL: She's hot!
Squall shuts the door.
ZELL: Is Squall gets laid before I do... I'm gonna be pissed.
TIDUS: What? Squall? The "Squallinator"?
They laugh.
The scene changes to Quistis and Tifa.
QUISTIS: I swear... I was going to whip him... but the hot dogs....
TIFA: You know... if Zell's not giving it to you... you could try it manually.
QUISTIS: What?
TIFA: You never double whipped your bitebug?
AUTHOR: God these puns are bad.
THe scene goes back to Zell and Tidus.
ZELL: Man...those hot dogs were so good! I mean they were much better than getting whipped by Quistis!
QUISTIS: Oh that's real nice. Tifa, can I get a ride home?
Tifa and Quistis leave.
Wakka enters.
WAKKA: I'm just here to prevent an error in continuity in the next scene!
The scene ends.
SCENE 5
As the scene begins, Wakka, Tidus, and Zell are waking up. Vincent is sitting in a chair in the corner.
TIDUS: Vince, what happened to you? Where were you last night?
VINCENT: I was shooting for a fashionably late enterance. Instead I wallowed in my own self loathing and fell asleep dreaming about killing you all. Another burden was added to my soul.
TIDUS: Makes sense.
They watch in surprise as Squall descends the stairs holding Rinoa's hand.
SQUALL: I'll never forget this.
RINOA: Oh I'll never forget it either. Bye.
Rinoa leaves.
SQUALL: Well fellas, say good bye to Squall Leonheart the boy. I am now a--
ZELL: woman?
SQUALL: No you stupid fuck! I am now a man!
WAKKA: How did you do that, ya?
SQUALL: Well guys, I really don't know. See ya.
Squall leaves.
ZELL: I say we make a pact! We all get whipped, I mean laid, before we graduate.
TIDUS: OK!
WAKKA: Sure.
VINCENT: ....
ZELL: WE'RE ALL GETTING LAID!!!
The scene ends.
Scene 4
The scene opens to show a party at Cid's house. Cid is yelling obscenities at the guests.
Tidus and Zell have been standing in the corner talking for a while.
TIDUS: Oh my god! There's Yuna and she just looked at me!
Yuna is talking with two of her friends and obviously hadn't looked at Tidus.
Zell: Go talk to her, dumbass.
Quistis comes up and whispers something to Zell. They both leave.
Tidus walks towards Yuna slowly, trying to look cool. Instead, he trips over an ottoman.
Yuna and her friends watch and laugh while Tidus crumples on the floor, crying and wetting himself.
TIDUS (bawling): WAAA!!! DON'T LAUGH AT ME!!! WAAAA!!!
The scene changes to show Wakka in a car with Yuffie.
WAKKA: Wow, it sure is beautiful or something, ya?
YUFFIE (suspiciously): What do you mean by that?
WAKKA: Uhhh.... suck me beautiful?
YUFFIE: YOU SICK BLITZBALL PERVERT! ALTHOUGH I APPEAR TO BE ONLY ABOUT 14 IN THE GAME FFVII I'M REALLY 12!!!
WAKKA: I don't see how that would stop you....
YUFFIE: Pervert! I'm taking you back to the party!
The scene changes to show Zell and Quistis making out on a bed.
ZELL: Quisty, I think it's time for us to take the next step in our relationship. It's such a perfect evening.
SOMEONE OUTSIDE: THE HOT DOGS ARE HERE!!! HOT DOGS!!!
ZELL: HOT DOGS?!?!?!?? HOT DOGS!!!!!
Zell runs out of the room.
Quistis: Dammit.
Just then Cid bursts in with Shera.
CID: Please vacate the room.
Quistis leaves.
CID: Shera, lets have sex.
SHERA: OK.
They get naked. "Sending a Dream Into the Universe" starts playing.
CID: Oh yeah... this rocket's ready for blastoff.
CID (in a voiceover like from a flashback): That day... all my dreams were going to come true. I was going to have sex.
SHERA: Here, use this ShinRa #26 condom.
CID (disappointed): Oh alright. Now... the rocket is going to launch into space.
SHERA: Wait! The condom has a hole!
CID: But we've already started!
SHERA: It will only take me a moment to fix it!
CID: But Shera! I'm going to lose it!
CID (in a voiceover): What was she doing? She was destroying my dreams... I was counting down to losing my arousal... and once I lost it there'd be no getting it back.
CID: 5....4....
SHERA: I've almost done it...
CID: 3.... 2...
SHERA: Just a second longer...
CID: DAMMIT SHERA!!!!!!! &*$^@!&@$^!@!
The scene changes because the author feels it's starting to become too much FF7 and not enough American Pie.
Cid, Tidus, and Zell are standing upstairs.
CID:.... and that was that. My rocket will never fire. My dream....
TIDUS: Hey at least you did better than I did with Yuna.
CID: Like that helps.
Cid leaves.
ZELL: Dude, is that Highwind's mom?
TIDUS: Wow look at the family resemblence!
Zell looks at Tidus oddly.
PALMER: Yeah... that chick's a MILF
RUFUS: MILF! MILF!
Squall Leonhart gestures from a room nearby for Tidus and Zell to come.
SQUALL: Could you guys keep it down? I just met this chick and we're about to get it on.
Zell and Tidus are surprised to see Rinoa on a bed.
SQUALL: She's hot!
Squall shuts the door.
ZELL: Is Squall gets laid before I do... I'm gonna be pissed.
TIDUS: What? Squall? The "Squallinator"?
They laugh.
The scene changes to Quistis and Tifa.
QUISTIS: I swear... I was going to whip him... but the hot dogs....
TIFA: You know... if Zell's not giving it to you... you could try it manually.
QUISTIS: What?
TIFA: You never double whipped your bitebug?
AUTHOR: God these puns are bad.
THe scene goes back to Zell and Tidus.
ZELL: Man...those hot dogs were so good! I mean they were much better than getting whipped by Quistis!
QUISTIS: Oh that's real nice. Tifa, can I get a ride home?
Tifa and Quistis leave.
Wakka enters.
WAKKA: I'm just here to prevent an error in continuity in the next scene!
The scene ends.
SCENE 5
As the scene begins, Wakka, Tidus, and Zell are waking up. Vincent is sitting in a chair in the corner.
TIDUS: Vince, what happened to you? Where were you last night?
VINCENT: I was shooting for a fashionably late enterance. Instead I wallowed in my own self loathing and fell asleep dreaming about killing you all. Another burden was added to my soul.
TIDUS: Makes sense.
They watch in surprise as Squall descends the stairs holding Rinoa's hand.
SQUALL: I'll never forget this.
RINOA: Oh I'll never forget it either. Bye.
Rinoa leaves.
SQUALL: Well fellas, say good bye to Squall Leonheart the boy. I am now a--
ZELL: woman?
SQUALL: No you stupid fuck! I am now a man!
WAKKA: How did you do that, ya?
SQUALL: Well guys, I really don't know. See ya.
Squall leaves.
ZELL: I say we make a pact! We all get whipped, I mean laid, before we graduate.
TIDUS: OK!
WAKKA: Sure.
VINCENT: ....
ZELL: WE'RE ALL GETTING LAID!!!
The scene ends.