Falling In Love Again For The First Time
By S. Mark Gunther
Nabiki looked down at her cup of tea and sighed tiredly, another day of extortion and deal making closed. The white noise of the restaurant gave her the ability to shut out the thoughts in her head and merely ride the currents of sound. And yet, a niggling tone resonated through her body as she sat and waited. She didn't like the idea that she had to wait for the things she wanted. Especially from someone she had no respect for. Her hands idly toyed with the flap of a large manila envelope, her name written on the front. Even with the newly acquired money in her pocketbook, she felt nothing but emptiness and loss as she waited.
Over and over she debated on whether or not to re-read the letter and look at the photos inside the envelope. But her thoughts were broken as she observed a motion in front of her. She looked up and saw a slight figure walking towards her table. His face looked even more drawn and haggard then normal, and yet it almost seemed to be oddly different. The wrap around sunglasses merely added to the disconcerting effect that seemed to happen when he came around. He sat down across from her and slid the glasses off his face with a slow hesitant motion. She laid the envelope down and motioned to a nearby waiter for the menus.
"Good afternoon, Gosunkugi. I received your package," Nabiki said with as clear a voice as she could muster. The large lump in her throat began to tighten a little as she spoke to the freak. "Though I can't say that I'm happy with your decision to quit working for me and leave Nerima."
"You do get right to the point of the matter at hand, Nabiki," Hikaru said softly. "Why should you care if I want to quit working for you? Can't you do your own dirty work anymore, Nabiki? Or are you too big to hang from a tree and risk your neck for photos you can't stomach taking?" His hands shook and he looked down at the tabletop as he spoke. "You just don't get it."
"What is there to get, Gosunkugi? I want the photos you take for me to sell. You want to spy on my sister. Frankly, I don't see why all of a sudden you should get a conscience," Nabiki answered in as frosty a tone as she could muster. Despite her crisp words and tone she knew why he was leaving and why he wanted to stop and this bothered her greatly. But she couldn't let him know it...
"Conscience has nothing to do with it. If it was all about having a conscience, I'd go to a temple, pray and try to turn over a new leaf..." Hikaru sighed a little as he looked down at his menu, trying to figure out what he would order. As he looked down he felt Nabiki's eyes locking in on him. It unnerved him a little but he continued to speak from his head down position. "But that's not what I'm going to do."
"Then what are you going to do? Look me in the eyes and tell me why you're going to do this to yourself," Nabiki said softly, her throat oddly tight. Hikaru raised his eyes in shock at hearing his blackmailer use his first name for the first time. With a wry sad smile, he put his glasses back on and leaned back a little in his chair.
"You really want to know?" Hikaru asked.
"It's why I asked you to come here."
"Part of it is the fact that I can't do it anymore. I just can't watch and spy on the people connected to Ranma and Akane anymore because it hurts too much to watch them in pain. I spent 5 hours watching Ukyou cry her eyes out last week and I couldn't sleep without seeing her in my dreams," Hikaru said softly, his face staring forward. "You probably have no idea how hard it is to watch people you have a little bit of respect for in the throes of their despair. I have pictures in my collection now that are some of the most depressing things I've ever seen and I just can't take looking at that stuff anymore. Not when things could be settled...somewhat..." His voice trailed off as he rubbed his gnarled hands together.
"You'd think I don't care about anyone but myself, but you'd be wrong. Please continue," Nabiki said softly. Hikaru smiled a sad smile at her and raised an eyebrow but continued speaking after a brief pause.
"Another part of it is the fact that it gets more and more difficult for me to watch Akane. It just does. I...I don't love her anymore. Hell, I'm not even sure I can be a friend with her if she and I were able to be friends. I've seen her in too much pain to not be anything but a silent cheerleader now. To watch someone I had a crush on cry into her pillow night after night because of her unrequited love is the most horrible thing you can possibly go through. All I know is that I just can't watch her or anyone else from this area like I used to..."
"Go on," Nabiki merely said, her face going as icy and cold as possible.
"The last part of it you already know. I guess you want me to say it anyway," Hikaru said with a long sigh trailing just behind. Nabiki merely sat and looked at him with cold impassive eyes. "I...I really like you. All the time we spent together looking over those pictures, all the times I watched you while you slept, all the times I thought about you and Akane...I'm not sure how it happened but I began to really like you a lot. I can't be a part of this anymore because it's hard for me to watch you be lonely and sad."
"What makes you think I'm sad and lonely, Hikaru?" Nabiki said, her voice flat and toneless.
"The pictures I have of you crying at night tell me so. The recordings of you crying out in anger at being the breadwinner for your family tell me so. The way you beat me for no reason even when I've done everything for you tells me so. You can't deny it anymore." Hikaru took off his glasses and smiled softly at her and tapped the table softly. "But I guess it's all for naught. You won't go out even once with a guy like me, so I guess I'm just saying goodbye now."
"Let's not talk about that right now," Nabiki said crisply, her cheeks beginning to glow a little in response to his words. "What makes you think I'll let you go so easily? What makes you think I want to lose my best photographer to feelings he can't control?"
"I know you're going to let me go because if you don't I'll make my photos public and go on display. I'll make an exhibit out of them and sell them to the highest bidder to the artsy crowd in Tokyo. I mean, I am a good photographer and I do have a talent for taking pictures," Hikaru replied softly. "I know I'll be beaten up badly and hurt for doing it but a little pain for a new vocation and a new life seems like a bargain in my eyes. Of course you could do the honorable thing and let me go, therefore buying my silence..."
"I never knew you'd sink so low, Hikaru. I never knew you'd be this cold, this mean..."
"This businesslike? Come on, Nabiki. We both know you'd do the same damn thing later on if you were half as good a photographer as I am. I just feel like I have to stop this here, but I'll continue anywhere I go. I just want you to acknowledge that I am the master of my life, not you." For a long moment no one spoke and a waiter came up to take both orders. Both ordered tea and the special of the day. Then the silence descended again.
"You're right, Hikaru," Nabiki conceded, her voice taut and clear, "I would be that businesslike. But what makes you think I'd let you go this easy? Extortion is what I do to you, not you to me."
"I don't want to extort you. I'll do it if necessary and burn my bridges here, but I'd like you to let me go without a fight. It'd make things easier for both of us. I just can't work for you anymore." Hikaru's cheeks began to glow a little as he spoke.
"Your crush on me is of no concern. I don't like you like that and I barely consider you an acquaintance. You're weak because you can't separate your work from your desires. And now you want me to let you go and lose my main source of viable income. It's not happening." Nabiki felt the angry words flow out of her mouth before she could bring her anger in check and she sighed softly as she finished. The waiter returned with the tea and Hikaru used that time to slip his glasses back on and smile a sad smile at the middle Tendou daughter.
"So I guess the fact that I want to be your man, a real man mind you, and make you happy is of no concern? The idea that I could actually be attractive to you as a person is of no concern? The belief that I could satisfy your need to have someone take over for you and let you go with the flow is of no concern?" Hikaru said softly, his hands folded over his teacup. The steam wafted up and burned his fingers a little as he looked at her.
"...I never said that."
"But you're implying that I could never make you happy. I would never satisfy you. And that makes it hard for me to stay. To even want to stay is difficult when I know that all you desire is money and the good life."
"You don't know anything about me, Hikaru," Nabiki said softly, her voice cracking a little as she spoke. "You have no idea how much I'm lonely and tired of watching my idiot of a brother-in-law hurt my sister. They're not ready to get married and everything I do to keep them from making a mistake seems to draw them closer. My father doesn't want anything except a heir to his school. Ranma's father only wants what he can grab with his grubby hands. You don't know how much it hurts to be alone. So don't tell me what you think I want and desire."
"Then why do you not want me to go? Why do you feel like it's your responsibility to keep me under your thumb? Don't you feel like someday I would need to grow up? That all of us would need to grow up? I'm 16 now, Nabiki. I have a skill as a photographer. I have a love of reading and a little bit of skill at writing. I'm a more complete person now then ever before. And you still think that all I'm good for is making you money. If that's what you wanted from me I could help you get it. But you can't tell me it's not all about money."
"It's not about money," Nabiki said tightly.
"Then what is it about?" Hikaru replied, taking a sip of tea as he did so.
"...It's about being lonely. I don't have anyone right now."
"I see." They both sipped at their tea and looked at one another. "Then I guess I should just stuff my feelings for you down and go on being your little companion, hmm?"
"Oh, why don't you stop being such a little brat?" Nabiki asked angrily, her soft eyes now becoming hard and fiery as she stared the boy down.
"Because you're not telling me why you want me to stay. You're telling me the reasons why you won't let me go. That's control issues, not a need to have me around. And I won't stand for it anymore." The tension between the two of them seemed to thicken as the silence descended once again. "I may be spineless, but I know when to quit and move on. I may not like it, but I know when to stop."
"I find that hard to believe considering how much you stalked my sister," Nabiki observed dryly, her composure coming back as she re-evaluated the situation in her mind. With her fingers she motioned to the waiter for the check. "I'm leaving. But one thing is certain: you're not stopping your work for me. Not now at least. I'll have one last job for you tomorrow."
"I won't take it. Not now."
"Whether or not you'll take the job is not an option. This is all I ask of you. One last job."
Hikaru knew deep down that he'd be suckered back into her grips with the job, and yet he felt almost powerless to stop himself. "One last job. Then I'm through."
"Good. I'll see you tomorrow at my house. 6.30 pm. Check your mailbox tomorrow morning. You'll have a list of things to wear and I expect you to be dressed according to my specifications." Hikaru sighed and nodded lightly as he stood to leave. As he turned to leave, her voice drew him back for one more moment. "I just have one question for you, Gosunkugi."
"Which is?" Hikaru asked as he turned around and looked at the middle Tendou daughter.
"How did you ever get the spine to talk to me like you did just now? Normally you stutter and can barely get your words out. You're not your usual self," Nabiki said softly as her eyes locked in on Hikaru's covered eyes. She looked with a fair bit of curiosity as he slipped his dark sunglasses off and looked at her with dark, tired eyes. She, for the first time that day, noticed the larger then normal rings around his eyes.
"To be able to stay up late and take the pictures you demand of me, I turned to taking amphetamines and speed to stay awake. All I seem to do now it take drugs to stay up and take other drugs to go to sleep. One of the side effects is a lack of both respect and control of one's emotions and actions. That's why I'm able to talk to you now without acting like a scared criminal." Hikaru slipped his glasses back on and turned around, leaving the restaurant as silent as he has entered it. Nabiki could only stare at his wake as he left and wonder about who he had become.
By S. Mark Gunther
Nabiki looked down at her cup of tea and sighed tiredly, another day of extortion and deal making closed. The white noise of the restaurant gave her the ability to shut out the thoughts in her head and merely ride the currents of sound. And yet, a niggling tone resonated through her body as she sat and waited. She didn't like the idea that she had to wait for the things she wanted. Especially from someone she had no respect for. Her hands idly toyed with the flap of a large manila envelope, her name written on the front. Even with the newly acquired money in her pocketbook, she felt nothing but emptiness and loss as she waited.
Over and over she debated on whether or not to re-read the letter and look at the photos inside the envelope. But her thoughts were broken as she observed a motion in front of her. She looked up and saw a slight figure walking towards her table. His face looked even more drawn and haggard then normal, and yet it almost seemed to be oddly different. The wrap around sunglasses merely added to the disconcerting effect that seemed to happen when he came around. He sat down across from her and slid the glasses off his face with a slow hesitant motion. She laid the envelope down and motioned to a nearby waiter for the menus.
"Good afternoon, Gosunkugi. I received your package," Nabiki said with as clear a voice as she could muster. The large lump in her throat began to tighten a little as she spoke to the freak. "Though I can't say that I'm happy with your decision to quit working for me and leave Nerima."
"You do get right to the point of the matter at hand, Nabiki," Hikaru said softly. "Why should you care if I want to quit working for you? Can't you do your own dirty work anymore, Nabiki? Or are you too big to hang from a tree and risk your neck for photos you can't stomach taking?" His hands shook and he looked down at the tabletop as he spoke. "You just don't get it."
"What is there to get, Gosunkugi? I want the photos you take for me to sell. You want to spy on my sister. Frankly, I don't see why all of a sudden you should get a conscience," Nabiki answered in as frosty a tone as she could muster. Despite her crisp words and tone she knew why he was leaving and why he wanted to stop and this bothered her greatly. But she couldn't let him know it...
"Conscience has nothing to do with it. If it was all about having a conscience, I'd go to a temple, pray and try to turn over a new leaf..." Hikaru sighed a little as he looked down at his menu, trying to figure out what he would order. As he looked down he felt Nabiki's eyes locking in on him. It unnerved him a little but he continued to speak from his head down position. "But that's not what I'm going to do."
"Then what are you going to do? Look me in the eyes and tell me why you're going to do this to yourself," Nabiki said softly, her throat oddly tight. Hikaru raised his eyes in shock at hearing his blackmailer use his first name for the first time. With a wry sad smile, he put his glasses back on and leaned back a little in his chair.
"You really want to know?" Hikaru asked.
"It's why I asked you to come here."
"Part of it is the fact that I can't do it anymore. I just can't watch and spy on the people connected to Ranma and Akane anymore because it hurts too much to watch them in pain. I spent 5 hours watching Ukyou cry her eyes out last week and I couldn't sleep without seeing her in my dreams," Hikaru said softly, his face staring forward. "You probably have no idea how hard it is to watch people you have a little bit of respect for in the throes of their despair. I have pictures in my collection now that are some of the most depressing things I've ever seen and I just can't take looking at that stuff anymore. Not when things could be settled...somewhat..." His voice trailed off as he rubbed his gnarled hands together.
"You'd think I don't care about anyone but myself, but you'd be wrong. Please continue," Nabiki said softly. Hikaru smiled a sad smile at her and raised an eyebrow but continued speaking after a brief pause.
"Another part of it is the fact that it gets more and more difficult for me to watch Akane. It just does. I...I don't love her anymore. Hell, I'm not even sure I can be a friend with her if she and I were able to be friends. I've seen her in too much pain to not be anything but a silent cheerleader now. To watch someone I had a crush on cry into her pillow night after night because of her unrequited love is the most horrible thing you can possibly go through. All I know is that I just can't watch her or anyone else from this area like I used to..."
"Go on," Nabiki merely said, her face going as icy and cold as possible.
"The last part of it you already know. I guess you want me to say it anyway," Hikaru said with a long sigh trailing just behind. Nabiki merely sat and looked at him with cold impassive eyes. "I...I really like you. All the time we spent together looking over those pictures, all the times I watched you while you slept, all the times I thought about you and Akane...I'm not sure how it happened but I began to really like you a lot. I can't be a part of this anymore because it's hard for me to watch you be lonely and sad."
"What makes you think I'm sad and lonely, Hikaru?" Nabiki said, her voice flat and toneless.
"The pictures I have of you crying at night tell me so. The recordings of you crying out in anger at being the breadwinner for your family tell me so. The way you beat me for no reason even when I've done everything for you tells me so. You can't deny it anymore." Hikaru took off his glasses and smiled softly at her and tapped the table softly. "But I guess it's all for naught. You won't go out even once with a guy like me, so I guess I'm just saying goodbye now."
"Let's not talk about that right now," Nabiki said crisply, her cheeks beginning to glow a little in response to his words. "What makes you think I'll let you go so easily? What makes you think I want to lose my best photographer to feelings he can't control?"
"I know you're going to let me go because if you don't I'll make my photos public and go on display. I'll make an exhibit out of them and sell them to the highest bidder to the artsy crowd in Tokyo. I mean, I am a good photographer and I do have a talent for taking pictures," Hikaru replied softly. "I know I'll be beaten up badly and hurt for doing it but a little pain for a new vocation and a new life seems like a bargain in my eyes. Of course you could do the honorable thing and let me go, therefore buying my silence..."
"I never knew you'd sink so low, Hikaru. I never knew you'd be this cold, this mean..."
"This businesslike? Come on, Nabiki. We both know you'd do the same damn thing later on if you were half as good a photographer as I am. I just feel like I have to stop this here, but I'll continue anywhere I go. I just want you to acknowledge that I am the master of my life, not you." For a long moment no one spoke and a waiter came up to take both orders. Both ordered tea and the special of the day. Then the silence descended again.
"You're right, Hikaru," Nabiki conceded, her voice taut and clear, "I would be that businesslike. But what makes you think I'd let you go this easy? Extortion is what I do to you, not you to me."
"I don't want to extort you. I'll do it if necessary and burn my bridges here, but I'd like you to let me go without a fight. It'd make things easier for both of us. I just can't work for you anymore." Hikaru's cheeks began to glow a little as he spoke.
"Your crush on me is of no concern. I don't like you like that and I barely consider you an acquaintance. You're weak because you can't separate your work from your desires. And now you want me to let you go and lose my main source of viable income. It's not happening." Nabiki felt the angry words flow out of her mouth before she could bring her anger in check and she sighed softly as she finished. The waiter returned with the tea and Hikaru used that time to slip his glasses back on and smile a sad smile at the middle Tendou daughter.
"So I guess the fact that I want to be your man, a real man mind you, and make you happy is of no concern? The idea that I could actually be attractive to you as a person is of no concern? The belief that I could satisfy your need to have someone take over for you and let you go with the flow is of no concern?" Hikaru said softly, his hands folded over his teacup. The steam wafted up and burned his fingers a little as he looked at her.
"...I never said that."
"But you're implying that I could never make you happy. I would never satisfy you. And that makes it hard for me to stay. To even want to stay is difficult when I know that all you desire is money and the good life."
"You don't know anything about me, Hikaru," Nabiki said softly, her voice cracking a little as she spoke. "You have no idea how much I'm lonely and tired of watching my idiot of a brother-in-law hurt my sister. They're not ready to get married and everything I do to keep them from making a mistake seems to draw them closer. My father doesn't want anything except a heir to his school. Ranma's father only wants what he can grab with his grubby hands. You don't know how much it hurts to be alone. So don't tell me what you think I want and desire."
"Then why do you not want me to go? Why do you feel like it's your responsibility to keep me under your thumb? Don't you feel like someday I would need to grow up? That all of us would need to grow up? I'm 16 now, Nabiki. I have a skill as a photographer. I have a love of reading and a little bit of skill at writing. I'm a more complete person now then ever before. And you still think that all I'm good for is making you money. If that's what you wanted from me I could help you get it. But you can't tell me it's not all about money."
"It's not about money," Nabiki said tightly.
"Then what is it about?" Hikaru replied, taking a sip of tea as he did so.
"...It's about being lonely. I don't have anyone right now."
"I see." They both sipped at their tea and looked at one another. "Then I guess I should just stuff my feelings for you down and go on being your little companion, hmm?"
"Oh, why don't you stop being such a little brat?" Nabiki asked angrily, her soft eyes now becoming hard and fiery as she stared the boy down.
"Because you're not telling me why you want me to stay. You're telling me the reasons why you won't let me go. That's control issues, not a need to have me around. And I won't stand for it anymore." The tension between the two of them seemed to thicken as the silence descended once again. "I may be spineless, but I know when to quit and move on. I may not like it, but I know when to stop."
"I find that hard to believe considering how much you stalked my sister," Nabiki observed dryly, her composure coming back as she re-evaluated the situation in her mind. With her fingers she motioned to the waiter for the check. "I'm leaving. But one thing is certain: you're not stopping your work for me. Not now at least. I'll have one last job for you tomorrow."
"I won't take it. Not now."
"Whether or not you'll take the job is not an option. This is all I ask of you. One last job."
Hikaru knew deep down that he'd be suckered back into her grips with the job, and yet he felt almost powerless to stop himself. "One last job. Then I'm through."
"Good. I'll see you tomorrow at my house. 6.30 pm. Check your mailbox tomorrow morning. You'll have a list of things to wear and I expect you to be dressed according to my specifications." Hikaru sighed and nodded lightly as he stood to leave. As he turned to leave, her voice drew him back for one more moment. "I just have one question for you, Gosunkugi."
"Which is?" Hikaru asked as he turned around and looked at the middle Tendou daughter.
"How did you ever get the spine to talk to me like you did just now? Normally you stutter and can barely get your words out. You're not your usual self," Nabiki said softly as her eyes locked in on Hikaru's covered eyes. She looked with a fair bit of curiosity as he slipped his dark sunglasses off and looked at her with dark, tired eyes. She, for the first time that day, noticed the larger then normal rings around his eyes.
"To be able to stay up late and take the pictures you demand of me, I turned to taking amphetamines and speed to stay awake. All I seem to do now it take drugs to stay up and take other drugs to go to sleep. One of the side effects is a lack of both respect and control of one's emotions and actions. That's why I'm able to talk to you now without acting like a scared criminal." Hikaru slipped his glasses back on and turned around, leaving the restaurant as silent as he has entered it. Nabiki could only stare at his wake as he left and wonder about who he had become.