Disclaimer: I don't own the star trek universe paramount does, I'm not
making any money from this it's just fanfic.
As far as most of the crew were concerned it had being an unusual day the sensor malfunction that had led to a section of the ship being closed off had been sorted. They were now all enjoying the evening meal talking about the latest news on earth did you know admiral Phillips had retired? Apparently-
When the captain walked into the mess hall from his private dining room no one thought much of it. Perhaps he was off somewhere and it would be easier to cut across the hall than use his private entrance to the dinning room which meant he'd have to walk around the ship.
When he stood before them and cleared his throat everyone gave him the courtesy of listening half heartedly eager to get back to the reasons for the admiral's early retirement.
"What I have to say is going to come as a bit of a shock to most of you, and I thought it best to say this with as many of us as I could in the same room, this was the best time to do it. Those who're hearing this on the ships intercom system if you have permission you may leave you posts and come down when I've finished."
Everyone gave him their full attention now and noticed for the first time the lack of emotion to his face, he would have made any Vulcan proud, the stillness of his body the only part of him moving his mouth.
"This afternoon we had a bit of a shock ourselves." They now noticed T'pol standing beside him where was commander Tucker? Wasn't the team sent down supposed to be back yet? Yes hours ago?
"We got a message from the planet the team we sent down had being attacked." The silence was so strong it was overwhelming it was too loud, how can silence ever be loud? Just one of the questions he didn't know how to answer. "They were injured, we didn't want to cause a panic or upset you all so we faked the sensor glitch."
He needed to take a deep breath but his body wouldn't let him. The part of him that wanted to lose control relaxed, his ability to remain calm he supposed was part of what had got him this far for all the good it had done him.
"Lieutenant Malcolm Reed was the worst of them all, he jumped up to push ensign Mayweather down to dodge an energy blast, instead the blast hit him. We rushed him to sickbay and Doctor Phlox has being operating on him for the last four hours."
He paused. The air was buzzing with questions and feelings no one was saying anything but he could tell he could feel their anticipation. "The doctor informed me a few minutes ago that despite his and the medical teams' best efforts lieutenant Malcolm Reed died."
The room buzzed with horror, "Died" he couldn't be dead I spoke to him just the other day. Malcolm he was so fit no way. Archer turned to leave and a voice shouted from the crowd. "What about the other's?"
"Minor injuries, they should be fine physically." He hurried before any more questions could be asked he needed to be alone right now just one more thing to sort out before he allowed himself his breakdown. T'pol looked down at the meal the captain had mainly consumed.
"Might I ask a question?" she was almost tentative.
"Only if I can ask on back."
She nodded. "You may. When met with grief or difficult circumstances most humans feel unable to consume food, you seem to have a strong appetite."
"That's not a question T'pol it's a statement." He shook his head, at himself he was doing this now because there was nothing left to do. Whilst he broke down in private he would begin to pick apart the tiniest details in public, criticise analyse every detail, complain about not enough detail. All that could wait right now he wanted to deal with this and get away from everyone.
"Sorry, if you want to know the truth T'pol I have a problem. You wouldn't consider it a problem but a rare gift when I'm in a crisis and I mean something earth shattering like this I become efficient and rational. I know what I have to do and I do it. So today I force myself to eat there's no point me being sick is there?"
"A logical approach."
"I thought you might say that. Now my question and this is a question not a statement." He'd done it again. "How do you feel about Reed's death?"
"Whilst it is regretful that we should lose a member of the crew I do not 'feel' anything captain."
"Nothing?"
"Mr Reed's death is unfortunate all death is however there is nothing that can be done."
"Good, because I want you to do something, I couldn't handle it not right now anyway. I want you to arrange the open casket for me."
"I am not familiar with human burial processes captain."
"It's simple find a coffin, we do have some in storage bay ten that's where all the things that might upset the crew are kept. Next about a day before the funeral arrange to have Malcolm's body." His stomach lurched at the word but it didn't show. "Placed in the coffin make sure he's dressed nice, I'll help you with that, arrange some flowers and open the room up so people can come and say their goodbyes."
"I'll do some further research. Malcolm's family needs to be notified."
"I know, and we need to chase his will up. We don't know how he preferred to be buried. Who holds the wills anyway?"
"I believe it to be doctor Phlox."
"We'll see him first thing in the morning, I don't think the crew's going to be up to work go easy on them."
She left and he made his way down his private passage to his quarters the door opened and closed behind him. He waited a few seconds before he felt it, the release he fell to his knees doubled over in pain as sob after sob engulfed his body. There was a price to pay for being calm it hurt physically when he let it all go it felt like he'd being punched in the stomach all the air knocked out of him. Even the tears hurt to cry, he'd killed Malcolm as good as fired that weapon himself.
Everyone of the crew admired how well the captain was copping to loosing a member of his crew. He didn't insist that everything carry on as normal, but he didn't let work stop. He'd made another ship wide announcement, he told every member of the crew everyone was to carry on, report to their posts as usual and do the usual things, the routine would do them good.
He himself led the way, he turned up on the bridge on time, ate on time and in public kept a plain face. Everyone knew he was hurting, there were no jokes and his walked slightly slower now but seeing the captain bearing up so well gave them all a model to look up to life had to go on no matter what. Exactly what Jonathon had wanted.
Privately he cried, on his personal computer ready to be sent to Starfleet command when Enterprise turned back to for earth was his resignation.
Fifteen hundred hours and he was back in his ready room, Doctor Phlox entered two minutes late, Archer fought the urge to talk to him about the importance of being on time. Instead he set his jaw tight and stared at the doctor as he sat down.
"Mr Reed updated his will just over a month ago, he did so regularly he said in his line of work you never know what might happen. I won't bore you with all the details only those that concern the crew. Mr Reed would like for Captain Archer to arrange the funeral, he would like also for him to be responsible for clearing his possessions. He would also like the captain to be the one to inform his parents of his death, he also requested that if atoll possible that a video link should be made to his parents home on earth.
"That's all." Archer trusted himself with a nod, he couldn't speak not now at least, he would respect Malcolm's wishes it was the only thing he could do to make up for failing him hurting him and playing the biggest part in his death.
"There were no references made referring to his choice of burial?" T'pol spoke seeing the captain was thinking hard.
"Ahh." He looked through some files. "Cremation."
Archer took in a deep breath, cremation was so final it ended everything right there and then. There would be nothing that looked like Malcolm, just ashes that you couldn't tell if they were human without using a sensor.
".Given to the captain. Mr Reed said he knew why." The doctor had continued speaking Archer brought himself back to the room. The doctor was leaving and T'pol looked at the captain.
"I was not aware that you and Mr Reed were so close."
"huh? We were becoming great friends. I don't know he wasn't shy around me I got to see the real Malcolm he said himself I was the closest thing he had to family. God I miss him T'pol I really miss him."
"That is understandable, Mr Reed considered you a special friend he must have done to have wanted you to keep his ashes." Archer stared slightly wide-eyed he wasn't listening to the doctor when he'd said that. He walked to his quarters and prayed he wouldn't cry before he reached them.
Three days after the funeral and Trip could still remember the words Archer had said. He'd being standing over the coffin waiting for the crew to arrive in the formal hall that doubled as a chapel for special occasions.
Trip had being coming to say his goodbyes to Malcolm to thank him for saving his life and to reassure him he'd tell Archer the message as soon as the funeral was over. He saw Archer's hand reach out and touch Malcolm's cheeks and heard a slight sob from Archer.
"You're so cold now. Not like before when you used to cuddle up to me you used to be so warm." There was a long silence. "I'm sorry, for everything you know how much I loved you, you must have, to trust me to do this for you. I just hope you didn't hate me towards the end.
I can't face it anymore without you, everything that's happened it's made me realise it's not worth it not anymore not without you I killed you. It is but a tomb that hides your life." He started to sob as he spoke. "And shows not half your parts. If I could write the beauty of your eyes. And in fresh numbers number all your graces The age to come would say 'this poet lies' For such heavenly beauty never touched such earthly faces."
Trip walked away, he'd say goodbye later, and he'd speak to Jon after the funeral like he'd promised Malcolm tell him what Malcolm had said.
@
"Jesus I loved him Trip. There's no point denying it I loved. love Malcolm Reed." There he'd said it to another person to his best friend. "I don't know why I bother lying anymore, I should just tell people the truth."
"Wouldn't do any good." Trip was sitting at the table.
"How can it not do any good? He's dead. He went down there to get away from me for a couple of days. He didn't have to go you know he wanted to volunteered to think he said."
Trip had never seen Jon like this before he could tell he'd lost a lot of weight, the uniform hid how much. He was eating he knew what Jon was like he'd do everything to keep himself normal on the outside. His hair was dull and needed to be trimmed his eyes had lost their colour and didn't sparkle anymore his skin was pale.
He'd seen Jon through some of his toughest moments and Jon had helped him through his stopped Trip contemplating suicide and got him back on track, he owed everything he had to Jon. He needed to tell Jon soon, today he was looking for the right time it was Malcolm's dying wish.
"You don't know how much I loved him Trip."
"I think I do. I saw you at the chapel before the burial." Archer nodded Trip knew how he felt he'd said how he felt better at the chapel than anywhere else
"I'm resigning from Starfleet once we return to earth, I've written the lett-"
"Now hold on Jon. I know you loved him more than I've known you to love anyone else but this is your dream you've wanted this since you were a kid to do what your dad couldn't. How can you give it up?"
"I gave up Malcolm for this ship, I just want to be away from it all." Archer looked tired, he seemed ten years older than when Trip had last seen him. "Dammit I just want to have Malcolm back, I want him to know how I felt how I feel now. I wish it was me that was dead Trip I really do, maybe I wouldn't hurt so much. This ship Starfleet, it's always going to remind me of Malcolm it's just losing him seems too big a price to pay for a dream Trip."
"It's not what Malcolm wanted."
"You don't know that." He'd raised his voice slightly. "Malcolm was right when you're old and people forget you it doesn't matter anymore what you did just who's there now the memories I want Malcolm to be there I wanna be away from it all."
"I know for sure it's not what Malcolm wanted. When we were on our way back up he knew he wouldn't make it he asked me to. to tell you something." He stopped thinking about what he was about to do.
"He asked me to tell you after the funeral he loved you, keep going I know what makes him happy it's the stars." Trip stopped taking in a deep breath. "If he's happy he said I'll be happy. He said you'll move on just don't give up. You're forgiven. He said he'd always love you." He'd done it told Jon. Archer didn't speak for a few minutes.
"He said that?"
"Yes Mayweather heard him asking to talk to me, Malcolm didn't want him to hear the whole conversation."
"I'd like to be on my own for a few minutes."
"Yeah" Trip found his throat a little dry. "Me too."
As the door closed behind him he took a deep breath and sighed. "What have you done Tucker?." He shook his head Jon would have done the same for him. But he couldn't destroy his best friend who'd saved him more than once, and in so many different ways.
Jon had done so much for him more than he could ever repay him back for of curse it was Reed's dying wish but this was the one time he could help Archer to give him back something to save him. What else could he do but lie tell Archer the real conversation?
"Tell Captain Archer." Reed's voice was full of scorn. "That I did as he instructed kept the crew safe and it did a hell of a lot of good didn't it? It's a shame I didn't change my will in time for this mission, Tell him" His voice was becoming thinner. "Tell him to hell with his precious Starfleet, I loved him and he kicked me in the gutter."
He couldn't tell Jon that, maybe one-day he would. He sighed walking away. The needs of the living out way the needs of the dead.
As far as most of the crew were concerned it had being an unusual day the sensor malfunction that had led to a section of the ship being closed off had been sorted. They were now all enjoying the evening meal talking about the latest news on earth did you know admiral Phillips had retired? Apparently-
When the captain walked into the mess hall from his private dining room no one thought much of it. Perhaps he was off somewhere and it would be easier to cut across the hall than use his private entrance to the dinning room which meant he'd have to walk around the ship.
When he stood before them and cleared his throat everyone gave him the courtesy of listening half heartedly eager to get back to the reasons for the admiral's early retirement.
"What I have to say is going to come as a bit of a shock to most of you, and I thought it best to say this with as many of us as I could in the same room, this was the best time to do it. Those who're hearing this on the ships intercom system if you have permission you may leave you posts and come down when I've finished."
Everyone gave him their full attention now and noticed for the first time the lack of emotion to his face, he would have made any Vulcan proud, the stillness of his body the only part of him moving his mouth.
"This afternoon we had a bit of a shock ourselves." They now noticed T'pol standing beside him where was commander Tucker? Wasn't the team sent down supposed to be back yet? Yes hours ago?
"We got a message from the planet the team we sent down had being attacked." The silence was so strong it was overwhelming it was too loud, how can silence ever be loud? Just one of the questions he didn't know how to answer. "They were injured, we didn't want to cause a panic or upset you all so we faked the sensor glitch."
He needed to take a deep breath but his body wouldn't let him. The part of him that wanted to lose control relaxed, his ability to remain calm he supposed was part of what had got him this far for all the good it had done him.
"Lieutenant Malcolm Reed was the worst of them all, he jumped up to push ensign Mayweather down to dodge an energy blast, instead the blast hit him. We rushed him to sickbay and Doctor Phlox has being operating on him for the last four hours."
He paused. The air was buzzing with questions and feelings no one was saying anything but he could tell he could feel their anticipation. "The doctor informed me a few minutes ago that despite his and the medical teams' best efforts lieutenant Malcolm Reed died."
The room buzzed with horror, "Died" he couldn't be dead I spoke to him just the other day. Malcolm he was so fit no way. Archer turned to leave and a voice shouted from the crowd. "What about the other's?"
"Minor injuries, they should be fine physically." He hurried before any more questions could be asked he needed to be alone right now just one more thing to sort out before he allowed himself his breakdown. T'pol looked down at the meal the captain had mainly consumed.
"Might I ask a question?" she was almost tentative.
"Only if I can ask on back."
She nodded. "You may. When met with grief or difficult circumstances most humans feel unable to consume food, you seem to have a strong appetite."
"That's not a question T'pol it's a statement." He shook his head, at himself he was doing this now because there was nothing left to do. Whilst he broke down in private he would begin to pick apart the tiniest details in public, criticise analyse every detail, complain about not enough detail. All that could wait right now he wanted to deal with this and get away from everyone.
"Sorry, if you want to know the truth T'pol I have a problem. You wouldn't consider it a problem but a rare gift when I'm in a crisis and I mean something earth shattering like this I become efficient and rational. I know what I have to do and I do it. So today I force myself to eat there's no point me being sick is there?"
"A logical approach."
"I thought you might say that. Now my question and this is a question not a statement." He'd done it again. "How do you feel about Reed's death?"
"Whilst it is regretful that we should lose a member of the crew I do not 'feel' anything captain."
"Nothing?"
"Mr Reed's death is unfortunate all death is however there is nothing that can be done."
"Good, because I want you to do something, I couldn't handle it not right now anyway. I want you to arrange the open casket for me."
"I am not familiar with human burial processes captain."
"It's simple find a coffin, we do have some in storage bay ten that's where all the things that might upset the crew are kept. Next about a day before the funeral arrange to have Malcolm's body." His stomach lurched at the word but it didn't show. "Placed in the coffin make sure he's dressed nice, I'll help you with that, arrange some flowers and open the room up so people can come and say their goodbyes."
"I'll do some further research. Malcolm's family needs to be notified."
"I know, and we need to chase his will up. We don't know how he preferred to be buried. Who holds the wills anyway?"
"I believe it to be doctor Phlox."
"We'll see him first thing in the morning, I don't think the crew's going to be up to work go easy on them."
She left and he made his way down his private passage to his quarters the door opened and closed behind him. He waited a few seconds before he felt it, the release he fell to his knees doubled over in pain as sob after sob engulfed his body. There was a price to pay for being calm it hurt physically when he let it all go it felt like he'd being punched in the stomach all the air knocked out of him. Even the tears hurt to cry, he'd killed Malcolm as good as fired that weapon himself.
Everyone of the crew admired how well the captain was copping to loosing a member of his crew. He didn't insist that everything carry on as normal, but he didn't let work stop. He'd made another ship wide announcement, he told every member of the crew everyone was to carry on, report to their posts as usual and do the usual things, the routine would do them good.
He himself led the way, he turned up on the bridge on time, ate on time and in public kept a plain face. Everyone knew he was hurting, there were no jokes and his walked slightly slower now but seeing the captain bearing up so well gave them all a model to look up to life had to go on no matter what. Exactly what Jonathon had wanted.
Privately he cried, on his personal computer ready to be sent to Starfleet command when Enterprise turned back to for earth was his resignation.
Fifteen hundred hours and he was back in his ready room, Doctor Phlox entered two minutes late, Archer fought the urge to talk to him about the importance of being on time. Instead he set his jaw tight and stared at the doctor as he sat down.
"Mr Reed updated his will just over a month ago, he did so regularly he said in his line of work you never know what might happen. I won't bore you with all the details only those that concern the crew. Mr Reed would like for Captain Archer to arrange the funeral, he would like also for him to be responsible for clearing his possessions. He would also like the captain to be the one to inform his parents of his death, he also requested that if atoll possible that a video link should be made to his parents home on earth.
"That's all." Archer trusted himself with a nod, he couldn't speak not now at least, he would respect Malcolm's wishes it was the only thing he could do to make up for failing him hurting him and playing the biggest part in his death.
"There were no references made referring to his choice of burial?" T'pol spoke seeing the captain was thinking hard.
"Ahh." He looked through some files. "Cremation."
Archer took in a deep breath, cremation was so final it ended everything right there and then. There would be nothing that looked like Malcolm, just ashes that you couldn't tell if they were human without using a sensor.
".Given to the captain. Mr Reed said he knew why." The doctor had continued speaking Archer brought himself back to the room. The doctor was leaving and T'pol looked at the captain.
"I was not aware that you and Mr Reed were so close."
"huh? We were becoming great friends. I don't know he wasn't shy around me I got to see the real Malcolm he said himself I was the closest thing he had to family. God I miss him T'pol I really miss him."
"That is understandable, Mr Reed considered you a special friend he must have done to have wanted you to keep his ashes." Archer stared slightly wide-eyed he wasn't listening to the doctor when he'd said that. He walked to his quarters and prayed he wouldn't cry before he reached them.
Three days after the funeral and Trip could still remember the words Archer had said. He'd being standing over the coffin waiting for the crew to arrive in the formal hall that doubled as a chapel for special occasions.
Trip had being coming to say his goodbyes to Malcolm to thank him for saving his life and to reassure him he'd tell Archer the message as soon as the funeral was over. He saw Archer's hand reach out and touch Malcolm's cheeks and heard a slight sob from Archer.
"You're so cold now. Not like before when you used to cuddle up to me you used to be so warm." There was a long silence. "I'm sorry, for everything you know how much I loved you, you must have, to trust me to do this for you. I just hope you didn't hate me towards the end.
I can't face it anymore without you, everything that's happened it's made me realise it's not worth it not anymore not without you I killed you. It is but a tomb that hides your life." He started to sob as he spoke. "And shows not half your parts. If I could write the beauty of your eyes. And in fresh numbers number all your graces The age to come would say 'this poet lies' For such heavenly beauty never touched such earthly faces."
Trip walked away, he'd say goodbye later, and he'd speak to Jon after the funeral like he'd promised Malcolm tell him what Malcolm had said.
@
"Jesus I loved him Trip. There's no point denying it I loved. love Malcolm Reed." There he'd said it to another person to his best friend. "I don't know why I bother lying anymore, I should just tell people the truth."
"Wouldn't do any good." Trip was sitting at the table.
"How can it not do any good? He's dead. He went down there to get away from me for a couple of days. He didn't have to go you know he wanted to volunteered to think he said."
Trip had never seen Jon like this before he could tell he'd lost a lot of weight, the uniform hid how much. He was eating he knew what Jon was like he'd do everything to keep himself normal on the outside. His hair was dull and needed to be trimmed his eyes had lost their colour and didn't sparkle anymore his skin was pale.
He'd seen Jon through some of his toughest moments and Jon had helped him through his stopped Trip contemplating suicide and got him back on track, he owed everything he had to Jon. He needed to tell Jon soon, today he was looking for the right time it was Malcolm's dying wish.
"You don't know how much I loved him Trip."
"I think I do. I saw you at the chapel before the burial." Archer nodded Trip knew how he felt he'd said how he felt better at the chapel than anywhere else
"I'm resigning from Starfleet once we return to earth, I've written the lett-"
"Now hold on Jon. I know you loved him more than I've known you to love anyone else but this is your dream you've wanted this since you were a kid to do what your dad couldn't. How can you give it up?"
"I gave up Malcolm for this ship, I just want to be away from it all." Archer looked tired, he seemed ten years older than when Trip had last seen him. "Dammit I just want to have Malcolm back, I want him to know how I felt how I feel now. I wish it was me that was dead Trip I really do, maybe I wouldn't hurt so much. This ship Starfleet, it's always going to remind me of Malcolm it's just losing him seems too big a price to pay for a dream Trip."
"It's not what Malcolm wanted."
"You don't know that." He'd raised his voice slightly. "Malcolm was right when you're old and people forget you it doesn't matter anymore what you did just who's there now the memories I want Malcolm to be there I wanna be away from it all."
"I know for sure it's not what Malcolm wanted. When we were on our way back up he knew he wouldn't make it he asked me to. to tell you something." He stopped thinking about what he was about to do.
"He asked me to tell you after the funeral he loved you, keep going I know what makes him happy it's the stars." Trip stopped taking in a deep breath. "If he's happy he said I'll be happy. He said you'll move on just don't give up. You're forgiven. He said he'd always love you." He'd done it told Jon. Archer didn't speak for a few minutes.
"He said that?"
"Yes Mayweather heard him asking to talk to me, Malcolm didn't want him to hear the whole conversation."
"I'd like to be on my own for a few minutes."
"Yeah" Trip found his throat a little dry. "Me too."
As the door closed behind him he took a deep breath and sighed. "What have you done Tucker?." He shook his head Jon would have done the same for him. But he couldn't destroy his best friend who'd saved him more than once, and in so many different ways.
Jon had done so much for him more than he could ever repay him back for of curse it was Reed's dying wish but this was the one time he could help Archer to give him back something to save him. What else could he do but lie tell Archer the real conversation?
"Tell Captain Archer." Reed's voice was full of scorn. "That I did as he instructed kept the crew safe and it did a hell of a lot of good didn't it? It's a shame I didn't change my will in time for this mission, Tell him" His voice was becoming thinner. "Tell him to hell with his precious Starfleet, I loved him and he kicked me in the gutter."
He couldn't tell Jon that, maybe one-day he would. He sighed walking away. The needs of the living out way the needs of the dead.