REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED BEN(NOT LUKE)WARM
by Vicki Vance
Summary: A high school high jinx Jedi tale. Funny in an intelligent way, despite the presence of a stash of illicit magazines.
Time: pre-TPM. Obi-Wan turned fourteen three weeks ago. His friend, Kikel Manhal, will be fourteen in about two months.
Author's notes: Thanks to the inspiration of my friend Casey during chemistry class and my friend Galaxylei over the phone, this is the fruit of my day-and-a-half labor. If it weren't for Casey, Kikel would be much different. He'd be much less of a goof-ball.
Humor: Because it's funny. I mean really, what planet are you from? Hoth?
Rated PG-13 You'll find out why. ;)
Disclaimer: I own nothing so it's pretty easy to draw the conclusion that I am not making any profit from this.
(A corridor in the Jedi Temple.)
Kikel: Hey Obi-Wan!
Obi-Wan: (cautiously) What?
Kikel: Oh, come on, you're still not upset about the chemistry fiasco, are you?
Obi-Wan: How could I not be upset? My skin still has lingering green pigmentation...
Kikel: Aww, it wasn't THAT big of a reaction. You know, come to think of it, I would have liked for it to have splattered the people in front of us.
Obi-Wan: Well, YOU certainly didn't get splattered.
Kikel: Hey, when I handed you the water, I anticipated that you'd foolishly pour it into the acid and I shielded myself.
Obi-Wan: You were supposed to hand me silver nitrate, not dihydrogen oxide!
Kikel: It's your fault you didn't check the beaker.
Obi-Wan: The beaker was unmarked!
Kikel: Well, there's a big difference between water and silver nitrate. You could have tested it somehow.
Obi-Wan: What did you want me to do? Drink it? Oh, that'd make a GREAT test. If my thirst is quenched, it's water. If I die of silver nitrate poisoning, it's silver nitrate.
Kikel: Right! And I would carry out the experiment in honor of my dearly departed friend.
Obi-Wan: I'd haunt you.
Kikel: I'd hire an exorcist.
Obi-Wan: Oh, piss off.
Kikel: No, wait. I have something for you. (produces a book-shaped parcel) My gift to you. Happy birthday.
Obi-Wan: My birthday was three weeks ago.
Kikel: Happy belated birthday. You'll LOVE it. Trust me.
Obi-Wan: Kikel, how long have I known you?
Kikel: Not as long as I've known you.
Obi-Wan: Huh?
Kikel: Oh nothing. You were saying?
Obi-Wan: How long have I known you?
Kikel: About seven, eight years.
Obi-Wan: Nine years.
Kikel: Why are you asking me when you already know? (muttering) lazerbrains...
Obi-Wan: (ignoring him) I've learned in those nine, torturous, agonizing, perpetually depressing years...
Kikel: (blushing) You're embarrassing me.
Obi-Wan: That when the words 'trust me' march forth from your lips with full and ill-deserved bravado into a conversation we might be having I generally put my guard up on full alert.
Kikel: No, no, no. I'm serious this time. It's a good present.
Obi-Wan: Yeah whatever. If you'll excuse me, I'll go to my quarters now and find the respite my poor little defenseless brittle psyche needs.
(He goes away. Kikel giggles maniacally. Obi-Wan has taken the parcel with him.)
~Five weeks later~
(Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon's quarters. More specifically, Obi-Wan's room)
Qui-Gon: Look at this mess!
Obi-Wan: I was gonna clean it up.
Qui-Gon: A stray animal could hide in here... You... don't... have... a stray animal, do you?
Obi-Wan: No.
Qui-Gon: Because I'm not one to forget the blob incident.
Obi-Wan: I've told you a hundred times: it just wanted to find it's home!
Qui-Gon: There's a unique and odd paternal instinct in you, Obi-Wan, and I get the feeling something is hiding in the many nooks and crannies this room sports.
Obi-Wan: I have no animals in here. I promise, Master.
Qui-Gon: (after a pause) Nothing living under the sink?
Obi-Wan: I have no pets, Master.
Qui-Gon: All right. I'm going to go meditate now. When I come back this place better be spotless. Understand?
Obi-Wan: Yes, Master.
~The next day~
(Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are walking down a hall on their way to a sparring room when Kikel walks by them.)
Kikel: How's your hand feeling today? Well-used?
(he dances away)
Qui-Gon: What was that all about?
Obi-Wan: I don't know, but he's been making some comment about my hand every day for the past five weeks. (he holds it up for examination) It seems okay to me.
Qui-Gon: Five weeks, around the time of the explosion in your chemistry class?
Obi-Wan: It wasn't an explosion, Master, just a violent reaction.
Qui-Gon: You got green goo all over yourself.
Obi-Wan: It was Kikel's fault. He handed me a beaker full of water when he should have handed me a beaker full of silver nitrate.
Qui-Gon: Well, why didn't you read the beaker to check to see if you were using the proper compound?
Obi-Wan: It was unmarked, Master.
Qui-Gon: Why didn't you test it?
Obi-Wan: (grits his teeth) And JUST how would you have done it?
Qui-Gon: Well, if I drank it and died, I'd know it was silver nitrate.
Obi-Wan: Ingenious.
~Several hours later~
Obi-Wan: Whew! I'm bushed. Mind if I take a shower before I meditate when we get back to our quarters?
Qui-Gon: That's fine.
(Kikel passes by in the hall)
Kikel: Does your hand have a name?
Obi-Wan: (trying to stay calm) Kikel, I'm tired...
Kikel: I'll bet you are.
Obi-Wan: I've been sparring all morning with my Master...
Kikel: So, you've widened your scope?
Obi-Wan: I'm not in the mood to be teased by obscure references to the first war on Gamorr or the development of the nobility class on Malastare or all the other vast areas of knowledge that you have and I don't.
Kikel: I'm talking about basic animal instincts here.
Qui-Gon: Animal?
Obi-Wan: (exasperated) Master, you know Kikel. I mean, honestly, do you really understand what he's talking about? His class reports are more intellectual than the teachers.
Qui-Gon: He never seems it.
Kikel: Oh, I know, Master Jinn. It's just that I was raised in an environment where everything around me moved at the speed of a snail on depressants while I was parsecs ahead of my peers, making me feel as though something was wrong with me when in fact I just more mentally prepared and able to handle schooling than other students and because of this feeling I've developed techniques to call attention to myself because that's the natural response in a situation like this and the way I do it is causing trouble, purposefully trying to outsmart my teachers - which I am successful at, I might add - and finally by developing a cheery yet cynical and also superior attitude towards our relatively pointless and meaningless existence that drives others up the wall.
Obi-Wan: Yeah.
Qui-Gon: I see. Well, we must be going. I was nice talki- listening to you, Kikel.
Kikel: Bye, guys. Have fun.
Qui-Gon: Is he always like that?
Obi-Wan: Nearly.
Qui-Gon: When is he not like that?
Obi-Wan: When he's asleep in class.
~A few minutes later~
(Back at the quarters, the shower is in use. Qui-Gon stands in the doorway to Obi-Wan's room, musing.)
Obi-Wan: (from within the shower) Tuning up. ...mi mi mi mi mi-i...
Qui-Gon: It all seems to make sense. An animal could be hiding in here. It might be the type that is keen to bite so Obi-Wan's hand may be marked with teeth holes. That fits into what Kikel keeps saying. But I can't just search my Padawan's room...
Obi-Wan: ...say it ain't so...I will not go...
Qui-Gon: It'd be an invasion of privacy.
Obi-Wan: ...turn the lights off...carry me home...
Qui-Gon: But I must know what is hiding in here.
Obi-Wan: ...na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na...
(Qui-Gon starts to dig around the drawers of his dresser.)
Qui-Gon: Nothing out of place here, although these boxers with the little pink hearts all over them worry me...
Obi-Wan: ...boop boop sh-bop bop rama lama...
(Qui-Gon starts to go through his closet. He passes a tag that says TO KEN FROM KIK HAVE FUN ;D and finds a parcel buried under a box of model parts and a pile of dirty clothes.)
Qui-Gon: What's this? It has no air holes.
Obi-Wan: ...prisoners of love...blue skies above...
Qui-Gon: The wrapping's a little messy, as if done in haste.
Obi-Wan: ...ven you got it...flaunt it...
Qui-Gon: (starts to open it) I wonder if this is some sort of a present. His birthday was about two months ago.
Obi-Wan: ...mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Force...
Qui-Gon: ...
Obi-Wan: ...it is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored...
Qui-Gon: Goodness, this is horrendous.
Obi-Wan: ...it has loosed the fateful lightning of it's terrible swift sword...
Qui-Gon: ...
Obi-Wan: ...its truth is marching on! Glory, glory...
Qui-Gon: KENOBI!!!
Obi-Wan: ...halle- what?
Qui-Gon: KENOBI, START PRAYING TO THE FORCE THAT I DON'T KILL YOU RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THE SHOWER'S A VERY CONVENIANT SPOT FOR A BLOODY DEATH!!!
(Obi-Wan, wearing a polka-dot shower cap and a towel around his waist follows the sound of Qui-Gon's voice.)
Obi-Wan: What are you doing in my room?
Qui-Gon: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH PORNOGRAPHY IN YOUR ROOM?!
Obi-Wan: What?
Qui-Gon: LOOK WHAT I FOUND HIDDEN IN YOUR CLOSET! (throws a magazine entitled PLAYBITH at him. Obi-Wan examines it and after two seconds his eyebrows rise.)
Obi-Wan: oh dear...
Qui-Gon: 'Oh dear' is right. You are in very deep fodder, young man, and don't expect to avoid getting swallowed whole!
Obi-Wan: Master, this isn't mine.
Qui-Gon: It was in your room...
Obi-Wan: This isn't mine!
Qui-Gon: In your closet...
Obi-Wan: This Isn't Mine!
Qui-Gon: Hidden from view...
Obi-Wan: THIS ISN'T MINE!
Qui-Gon: Along with several other magazines of this type!
Obi-Wan: THIS ISN'T MINE!!!
Qui-Gon: It wasn't well wrapped, which tells me you've USED it recently.
Obi-Wan: THI- wrapped?
Qui-Gon: Yes, in brown postal paper.
Obi-Wan: Like... a... present?
Qui-Gon: Yes, very much like a present.
Obi-Wan: I remember yesterday when cleaning, I came across a parcel and I put it in my closet...
Qui-Gon: Along with everything else, no doubt.
Obi-Wan: (absentmindedly) Yes, that's how I clean. I like to live in ignorant bliss by hiding the mess in my closet. But that's not the point. The point is I found this and I didn't know what it was.
Qui-Gon: (not believing a single word of it) Really?
Obi-Wan: Yes, Master, I- Hey, what were you doing in my room?
Qui-Gon: I had reason to suspect you were hiding an animal in here, Obi-Wan. And I found much, much more...
Obi-Wan: I TOLD you already, Master, that I do not have an animal. And you have no right to invade my privacy!
Qui-Gon: I have every right to! I'm your Master. I'm supposed to be a father for you. And I suspected there was an animal in here.
Obi-Wan: What gave you that idea?!
Qui-Gon: Well, for starters, you've taken in animals before-
Obi-Wan: ONE animal, Master. Just one; the blob. And I took good care of it, remember?
Qui-Gon: Until it shorted out the ceiling lamp and we were stuck in the dark and had to explain to the Council why there was a blob living in the Temple.
Obi-Wan: They thought it was humane and I acted compassionately as a Jedi should.
Qui-Gon: It was a BLOB!
Obi-Wan: Blobs are people too!
Qui-Gon: Stop it! I'm getting off track. Secondly, there was your room; you could hide a Hutt in here.
Obi-Wan: It's not that bad...
Qui-Gon: And finally Kikel keeps making comments about your hand and I suspected that the animal had bitten you-
Obi-Wan: (wheels are starting to turn) Kikel?
Qui-Gon: Yes, Kikel.
Obi-Wan: (realization hits like a flyswatter to the face) Kikel!
Qui-Gon: What about Kikel?
Obi-Wan: (his eyes narrow) Kikel...
Qui-Gon: It bet he knew about this (indicates the magazines). That explains all the hand references...
Obi-Wan: (growls) Kikel...
Qui-Gon: (stares at the magazine cover in thought) Kikel?
Obi-Wan: (hackles are rising) Kikel...
(Qui-Gon picks up the tag that says TO KEN FROM KIK HAVE FUN ;D and finds that it is the same type of paper as the brown postal paper.)
Qui-Gon: (something clicks) Ahhh... I get it now. Uh, sorry, Padawan. I put two and two together and got five. I'm sorry.
(Obi-Wan starts to leave)
Qui-Gon: Where are you going?
Obi-Wan: To pay my bestest ever buddy pal Kikel a visit.
Qui-Gon: Why don't you get dressed first? He'll think you've gotten carried away with this PLAYBITH thing here.
Obi-Wan: Good point.
~Several minutes later~
(At the door of Kikel's quarters. It opens, revealing everybody's favorite class clown.)
Kikel: Hey Obi-Wan!- and Master Qui-Gon. How are you doing?
Obi-Wan: (in an evil voice that would make even Darth Maul cower in fear) We've come to deliver a birthday present to you.
(Hands him a small datapad.)
Kikel: My birthday's not till tomorrow, but thanks, Ken. (reading it) It's... it's a citation.
Obi-Wan: Yes, the presence of magazines encouraging illicit pleasures has been discovered, and although they were in my possession, I was unaware of them. So, the Council is punishing you. The fine for a minor harboring magazines of this ilk is one hundred credits and the fine for distributing it, whether freely or with charge, is two hundred credits. Since I was not aware of them, my charge of harboring them has been placed onto you. My charge stacks with your two charges, harboring and distributing, making a grand total of four hundred credits that you must pay to the Republic.
(Kikel's face has fallen like a ton of bricks.)
Kikel: You're kidding.
Obi-Wan: Oh no, I'm totally serious.
Kikel: (eyeing Qui-Gon nervously and lowering his voice) But this was an apology gift.
Obi-Wan: Apology? For what?
Kikel: For missing your fourteenth birthday and for the chemistry incident.
Obi-Wan: (taken aback) Really?
Kikel: Yes! Shit, I never wanted THIS to happen.
Qui-Gon: Perhaps, since this was meant as an apology...
Obi-Wan: Oh, no way, Master. No Force-bidden way! I have been the butt of his jokes during this whole time. The chemistry incident... the belated birthday... Then YOU explored around in my very own personal room looking for something without me knowing and you were totally mistaken in what you found... and... and... and... and I want him punished!
Qui-Gon: Tell you what, Kikel (he takes the datapad and starts pushing the buttons) I'll erase the charges.
Obi-Wan: -squeak!-
Qui-Gon: So there are no legal complications.
Obi-Wan: You- can't- he- you-
Qui-Gon: And we will punish you, Kikel, as we see fit.
Obi-Wan: HE GAVE ME PORN, MAS-
(Qui-Gon cups a hand over his mouth)
Qui-Gon: Sound like a good deal?
Kikel: (watching Obi-Wan struggle and not daring to defy Qui-Gon) uh-huh...
Qui-Gon: Now, Obi-Wan, behave and justice will be done.
(Qui-Gon lets him go.)
Obi-Wan: You know what I see to be fit? Charging him a lot of money!
Qui-Gon: No, I think there is a better way...
~The next day~
(Chemistry class)
Teacher: Now, class, we're going to try to finish the lab from yesterday. We should have finished it but Kikel got a little playful with the adhesive... Kikel? Why do you have duct tape over your mouth?
Obi-Wan: Allow me to explain. You see, since today's his birthday, he's taken a vow of silence to further his view on society.
Teacher: Right. And duct tape was the best way of accomplishing this?
Obi-Wan: Yep.
Teacher: Seems a little unhealthy to me...
Obi-Wan: (shrugs) Like you said, he's a big fan of adhesive.
Teacher: Well, all right then. Everyone please get out your iron (II) chloride sample and we will begin.
Kikel: Hm hm hm hm hm.
Obi-Wan: (quietly) What's so funny?
(Kikel takes a piece of paper and writes: FeCl2.)
Obi-Wan: What about it?
(Kikel writes: take out the number and what do you get?)
Obi-Wan: I dunno. What do you get?
(Kikel writes: fecal matter.)
Obi-Wan: Oh, very funny.
(Obi-Wan raises his hand.)
Teacher: Yes, Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: Hey, do you know what happens when you take the number out of iron (II) chloride?
Kikel: (as obviously angry as one can be with the restriction of a piece of duct tape over one's mouth) Mmm!
Teacher: Well, the oxidation number wouldn't be equal to zero...
Obi-Wan: No, no, no...
Kikel: Mm, mm, mm!
Obi-Wan: You get fecal matter!
(The class laughs. Kikel bangs his head on the desk.)
Kikel: MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
Student: That's funny, Obi-Wan. Good thing Kikel took a vow of silence today so your voice can be heard, eh?
Obi-Wan: (looks at Kikel and grins smugly) Great thing.
Kikel: Mmm mmmm mmm.
Obi-Wan: I'll haunt you.
Kikel: Mmm mmmm mm mmmmmmmm!
Obi-Wan: Go ahead and hire your exorcist. I don't care. But know this, I'M getting attention today, not you.
Kikel: Mmm mmmmmm'm mmm mmmm mmmm mm?
Obi-Wan: Why couldn't I just fine you? Well, like Qui-Gon said, this was the better way. What a great punishment. I wouldn't trade this for... for... a porn stash.
Kikel: M mmmm mmm mmmmm. (I wish you would.)
The End
by Vicki Vance
Summary: A high school high jinx Jedi tale. Funny in an intelligent way, despite the presence of a stash of illicit magazines.
Time: pre-TPM. Obi-Wan turned fourteen three weeks ago. His friend, Kikel Manhal, will be fourteen in about two months.
Author's notes: Thanks to the inspiration of my friend Casey during chemistry class and my friend Galaxylei over the phone, this is the fruit of my day-and-a-half labor. If it weren't for Casey, Kikel would be much different. He'd be much less of a goof-ball.
Humor: Because it's funny. I mean really, what planet are you from? Hoth?
Rated PG-13 You'll find out why. ;)
Disclaimer: I own nothing so it's pretty easy to draw the conclusion that I am not making any profit from this.
(A corridor in the Jedi Temple.)
Kikel: Hey Obi-Wan!
Obi-Wan: (cautiously) What?
Kikel: Oh, come on, you're still not upset about the chemistry fiasco, are you?
Obi-Wan: How could I not be upset? My skin still has lingering green pigmentation...
Kikel: Aww, it wasn't THAT big of a reaction. You know, come to think of it, I would have liked for it to have splattered the people in front of us.
Obi-Wan: Well, YOU certainly didn't get splattered.
Kikel: Hey, when I handed you the water, I anticipated that you'd foolishly pour it into the acid and I shielded myself.
Obi-Wan: You were supposed to hand me silver nitrate, not dihydrogen oxide!
Kikel: It's your fault you didn't check the beaker.
Obi-Wan: The beaker was unmarked!
Kikel: Well, there's a big difference between water and silver nitrate. You could have tested it somehow.
Obi-Wan: What did you want me to do? Drink it? Oh, that'd make a GREAT test. If my thirst is quenched, it's water. If I die of silver nitrate poisoning, it's silver nitrate.
Kikel: Right! And I would carry out the experiment in honor of my dearly departed friend.
Obi-Wan: I'd haunt you.
Kikel: I'd hire an exorcist.
Obi-Wan: Oh, piss off.
Kikel: No, wait. I have something for you. (produces a book-shaped parcel) My gift to you. Happy birthday.
Obi-Wan: My birthday was three weeks ago.
Kikel: Happy belated birthday. You'll LOVE it. Trust me.
Obi-Wan: Kikel, how long have I known you?
Kikel: Not as long as I've known you.
Obi-Wan: Huh?
Kikel: Oh nothing. You were saying?
Obi-Wan: How long have I known you?
Kikel: About seven, eight years.
Obi-Wan: Nine years.
Kikel: Why are you asking me when you already know? (muttering) lazerbrains...
Obi-Wan: (ignoring him) I've learned in those nine, torturous, agonizing, perpetually depressing years...
Kikel: (blushing) You're embarrassing me.
Obi-Wan: That when the words 'trust me' march forth from your lips with full and ill-deserved bravado into a conversation we might be having I generally put my guard up on full alert.
Kikel: No, no, no. I'm serious this time. It's a good present.
Obi-Wan: Yeah whatever. If you'll excuse me, I'll go to my quarters now and find the respite my poor little defenseless brittle psyche needs.
(He goes away. Kikel giggles maniacally. Obi-Wan has taken the parcel with him.)
~Five weeks later~
(Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon's quarters. More specifically, Obi-Wan's room)
Qui-Gon: Look at this mess!
Obi-Wan: I was gonna clean it up.
Qui-Gon: A stray animal could hide in here... You... don't... have... a stray animal, do you?
Obi-Wan: No.
Qui-Gon: Because I'm not one to forget the blob incident.
Obi-Wan: I've told you a hundred times: it just wanted to find it's home!
Qui-Gon: There's a unique and odd paternal instinct in you, Obi-Wan, and I get the feeling something is hiding in the many nooks and crannies this room sports.
Obi-Wan: I have no animals in here. I promise, Master.
Qui-Gon: (after a pause) Nothing living under the sink?
Obi-Wan: I have no pets, Master.
Qui-Gon: All right. I'm going to go meditate now. When I come back this place better be spotless. Understand?
Obi-Wan: Yes, Master.
~The next day~
(Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are walking down a hall on their way to a sparring room when Kikel walks by them.)
Kikel: How's your hand feeling today? Well-used?
(he dances away)
Qui-Gon: What was that all about?
Obi-Wan: I don't know, but he's been making some comment about my hand every day for the past five weeks. (he holds it up for examination) It seems okay to me.
Qui-Gon: Five weeks, around the time of the explosion in your chemistry class?
Obi-Wan: It wasn't an explosion, Master, just a violent reaction.
Qui-Gon: You got green goo all over yourself.
Obi-Wan: It was Kikel's fault. He handed me a beaker full of water when he should have handed me a beaker full of silver nitrate.
Qui-Gon: Well, why didn't you read the beaker to check to see if you were using the proper compound?
Obi-Wan: It was unmarked, Master.
Qui-Gon: Why didn't you test it?
Obi-Wan: (grits his teeth) And JUST how would you have done it?
Qui-Gon: Well, if I drank it and died, I'd know it was silver nitrate.
Obi-Wan: Ingenious.
~Several hours later~
Obi-Wan: Whew! I'm bushed. Mind if I take a shower before I meditate when we get back to our quarters?
Qui-Gon: That's fine.
(Kikel passes by in the hall)
Kikel: Does your hand have a name?
Obi-Wan: (trying to stay calm) Kikel, I'm tired...
Kikel: I'll bet you are.
Obi-Wan: I've been sparring all morning with my Master...
Kikel: So, you've widened your scope?
Obi-Wan: I'm not in the mood to be teased by obscure references to the first war on Gamorr or the development of the nobility class on Malastare or all the other vast areas of knowledge that you have and I don't.
Kikel: I'm talking about basic animal instincts here.
Qui-Gon: Animal?
Obi-Wan: (exasperated) Master, you know Kikel. I mean, honestly, do you really understand what he's talking about? His class reports are more intellectual than the teachers.
Qui-Gon: He never seems it.
Kikel: Oh, I know, Master Jinn. It's just that I was raised in an environment where everything around me moved at the speed of a snail on depressants while I was parsecs ahead of my peers, making me feel as though something was wrong with me when in fact I just more mentally prepared and able to handle schooling than other students and because of this feeling I've developed techniques to call attention to myself because that's the natural response in a situation like this and the way I do it is causing trouble, purposefully trying to outsmart my teachers - which I am successful at, I might add - and finally by developing a cheery yet cynical and also superior attitude towards our relatively pointless and meaningless existence that drives others up the wall.
Obi-Wan: Yeah.
Qui-Gon: I see. Well, we must be going. I was nice talki- listening to you, Kikel.
Kikel: Bye, guys. Have fun.
Qui-Gon: Is he always like that?
Obi-Wan: Nearly.
Qui-Gon: When is he not like that?
Obi-Wan: When he's asleep in class.
~A few minutes later~
(Back at the quarters, the shower is in use. Qui-Gon stands in the doorway to Obi-Wan's room, musing.)
Obi-Wan: (from within the shower) Tuning up. ...mi mi mi mi mi-i...
Qui-Gon: It all seems to make sense. An animal could be hiding in here. It might be the type that is keen to bite so Obi-Wan's hand may be marked with teeth holes. That fits into what Kikel keeps saying. But I can't just search my Padawan's room...
Obi-Wan: ...say it ain't so...I will not go...
Qui-Gon: It'd be an invasion of privacy.
Obi-Wan: ...turn the lights off...carry me home...
Qui-Gon: But I must know what is hiding in here.
Obi-Wan: ...na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na...
(Qui-Gon starts to dig around the drawers of his dresser.)
Qui-Gon: Nothing out of place here, although these boxers with the little pink hearts all over them worry me...
Obi-Wan: ...boop boop sh-bop bop rama lama...
(Qui-Gon starts to go through his closet. He passes a tag that says TO KEN FROM KIK HAVE FUN ;D and finds a parcel buried under a box of model parts and a pile of dirty clothes.)
Qui-Gon: What's this? It has no air holes.
Obi-Wan: ...prisoners of love...blue skies above...
Qui-Gon: The wrapping's a little messy, as if done in haste.
Obi-Wan: ...ven you got it...flaunt it...
Qui-Gon: (starts to open it) I wonder if this is some sort of a present. His birthday was about two months ago.
Obi-Wan: ...mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Force...
Qui-Gon: ...
Obi-Wan: ...it is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored...
Qui-Gon: Goodness, this is horrendous.
Obi-Wan: ...it has loosed the fateful lightning of it's terrible swift sword...
Qui-Gon: ...
Obi-Wan: ...its truth is marching on! Glory, glory...
Qui-Gon: KENOBI!!!
Obi-Wan: ...halle- what?
Qui-Gon: KENOBI, START PRAYING TO THE FORCE THAT I DON'T KILL YOU RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THE SHOWER'S A VERY CONVENIANT SPOT FOR A BLOODY DEATH!!!
(Obi-Wan, wearing a polka-dot shower cap and a towel around his waist follows the sound of Qui-Gon's voice.)
Obi-Wan: What are you doing in my room?
Qui-Gon: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH PORNOGRAPHY IN YOUR ROOM?!
Obi-Wan: What?
Qui-Gon: LOOK WHAT I FOUND HIDDEN IN YOUR CLOSET! (throws a magazine entitled PLAYBITH at him. Obi-Wan examines it and after two seconds his eyebrows rise.)
Obi-Wan: oh dear...
Qui-Gon: 'Oh dear' is right. You are in very deep fodder, young man, and don't expect to avoid getting swallowed whole!
Obi-Wan: Master, this isn't mine.
Qui-Gon: It was in your room...
Obi-Wan: This isn't mine!
Qui-Gon: In your closet...
Obi-Wan: This Isn't Mine!
Qui-Gon: Hidden from view...
Obi-Wan: THIS ISN'T MINE!
Qui-Gon: Along with several other magazines of this type!
Obi-Wan: THIS ISN'T MINE!!!
Qui-Gon: It wasn't well wrapped, which tells me you've USED it recently.
Obi-Wan: THI- wrapped?
Qui-Gon: Yes, in brown postal paper.
Obi-Wan: Like... a... present?
Qui-Gon: Yes, very much like a present.
Obi-Wan: I remember yesterday when cleaning, I came across a parcel and I put it in my closet...
Qui-Gon: Along with everything else, no doubt.
Obi-Wan: (absentmindedly) Yes, that's how I clean. I like to live in ignorant bliss by hiding the mess in my closet. But that's not the point. The point is I found this and I didn't know what it was.
Qui-Gon: (not believing a single word of it) Really?
Obi-Wan: Yes, Master, I- Hey, what were you doing in my room?
Qui-Gon: I had reason to suspect you were hiding an animal in here, Obi-Wan. And I found much, much more...
Obi-Wan: I TOLD you already, Master, that I do not have an animal. And you have no right to invade my privacy!
Qui-Gon: I have every right to! I'm your Master. I'm supposed to be a father for you. And I suspected there was an animal in here.
Obi-Wan: What gave you that idea?!
Qui-Gon: Well, for starters, you've taken in animals before-
Obi-Wan: ONE animal, Master. Just one; the blob. And I took good care of it, remember?
Qui-Gon: Until it shorted out the ceiling lamp and we were stuck in the dark and had to explain to the Council why there was a blob living in the Temple.
Obi-Wan: They thought it was humane and I acted compassionately as a Jedi should.
Qui-Gon: It was a BLOB!
Obi-Wan: Blobs are people too!
Qui-Gon: Stop it! I'm getting off track. Secondly, there was your room; you could hide a Hutt in here.
Obi-Wan: It's not that bad...
Qui-Gon: And finally Kikel keeps making comments about your hand and I suspected that the animal had bitten you-
Obi-Wan: (wheels are starting to turn) Kikel?
Qui-Gon: Yes, Kikel.
Obi-Wan: (realization hits like a flyswatter to the face) Kikel!
Qui-Gon: What about Kikel?
Obi-Wan: (his eyes narrow) Kikel...
Qui-Gon: It bet he knew about this (indicates the magazines). That explains all the hand references...
Obi-Wan: (growls) Kikel...
Qui-Gon: (stares at the magazine cover in thought) Kikel?
Obi-Wan: (hackles are rising) Kikel...
(Qui-Gon picks up the tag that says TO KEN FROM KIK HAVE FUN ;D and finds that it is the same type of paper as the brown postal paper.)
Qui-Gon: (something clicks) Ahhh... I get it now. Uh, sorry, Padawan. I put two and two together and got five. I'm sorry.
(Obi-Wan starts to leave)
Qui-Gon: Where are you going?
Obi-Wan: To pay my bestest ever buddy pal Kikel a visit.
Qui-Gon: Why don't you get dressed first? He'll think you've gotten carried away with this PLAYBITH thing here.
Obi-Wan: Good point.
~Several minutes later~
(At the door of Kikel's quarters. It opens, revealing everybody's favorite class clown.)
Kikel: Hey Obi-Wan!- and Master Qui-Gon. How are you doing?
Obi-Wan: (in an evil voice that would make even Darth Maul cower in fear) We've come to deliver a birthday present to you.
(Hands him a small datapad.)
Kikel: My birthday's not till tomorrow, but thanks, Ken. (reading it) It's... it's a citation.
Obi-Wan: Yes, the presence of magazines encouraging illicit pleasures has been discovered, and although they were in my possession, I was unaware of them. So, the Council is punishing you. The fine for a minor harboring magazines of this ilk is one hundred credits and the fine for distributing it, whether freely or with charge, is two hundred credits. Since I was not aware of them, my charge of harboring them has been placed onto you. My charge stacks with your two charges, harboring and distributing, making a grand total of four hundred credits that you must pay to the Republic.
(Kikel's face has fallen like a ton of bricks.)
Kikel: You're kidding.
Obi-Wan: Oh no, I'm totally serious.
Kikel: (eyeing Qui-Gon nervously and lowering his voice) But this was an apology gift.
Obi-Wan: Apology? For what?
Kikel: For missing your fourteenth birthday and for the chemistry incident.
Obi-Wan: (taken aback) Really?
Kikel: Yes! Shit, I never wanted THIS to happen.
Qui-Gon: Perhaps, since this was meant as an apology...
Obi-Wan: Oh, no way, Master. No Force-bidden way! I have been the butt of his jokes during this whole time. The chemistry incident... the belated birthday... Then YOU explored around in my very own personal room looking for something without me knowing and you were totally mistaken in what you found... and... and... and... and I want him punished!
Qui-Gon: Tell you what, Kikel (he takes the datapad and starts pushing the buttons) I'll erase the charges.
Obi-Wan: -squeak!-
Qui-Gon: So there are no legal complications.
Obi-Wan: You- can't- he- you-
Qui-Gon: And we will punish you, Kikel, as we see fit.
Obi-Wan: HE GAVE ME PORN, MAS-
(Qui-Gon cups a hand over his mouth)
Qui-Gon: Sound like a good deal?
Kikel: (watching Obi-Wan struggle and not daring to defy Qui-Gon) uh-huh...
Qui-Gon: Now, Obi-Wan, behave and justice will be done.
(Qui-Gon lets him go.)
Obi-Wan: You know what I see to be fit? Charging him a lot of money!
Qui-Gon: No, I think there is a better way...
~The next day~
(Chemistry class)
Teacher: Now, class, we're going to try to finish the lab from yesterday. We should have finished it but Kikel got a little playful with the adhesive... Kikel? Why do you have duct tape over your mouth?
Obi-Wan: Allow me to explain. You see, since today's his birthday, he's taken a vow of silence to further his view on society.
Teacher: Right. And duct tape was the best way of accomplishing this?
Obi-Wan: Yep.
Teacher: Seems a little unhealthy to me...
Obi-Wan: (shrugs) Like you said, he's a big fan of adhesive.
Teacher: Well, all right then. Everyone please get out your iron (II) chloride sample and we will begin.
Kikel: Hm hm hm hm hm.
Obi-Wan: (quietly) What's so funny?
(Kikel takes a piece of paper and writes: FeCl2.)
Obi-Wan: What about it?
(Kikel writes: take out the number and what do you get?)
Obi-Wan: I dunno. What do you get?
(Kikel writes: fecal matter.)
Obi-Wan: Oh, very funny.
(Obi-Wan raises his hand.)
Teacher: Yes, Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: Hey, do you know what happens when you take the number out of iron (II) chloride?
Kikel: (as obviously angry as one can be with the restriction of a piece of duct tape over one's mouth) Mmm!
Teacher: Well, the oxidation number wouldn't be equal to zero...
Obi-Wan: No, no, no...
Kikel: Mm, mm, mm!
Obi-Wan: You get fecal matter!
(The class laughs. Kikel bangs his head on the desk.)
Kikel: MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
Student: That's funny, Obi-Wan. Good thing Kikel took a vow of silence today so your voice can be heard, eh?
Obi-Wan: (looks at Kikel and grins smugly) Great thing.
Kikel: Mmm mmmm mmm.
Obi-Wan: I'll haunt you.
Kikel: Mmm mmmm mm mmmmmmmm!
Obi-Wan: Go ahead and hire your exorcist. I don't care. But know this, I'M getting attention today, not you.
Kikel: Mmm mmmmmm'm mmm mmmm mmmm mm?
Obi-Wan: Why couldn't I just fine you? Well, like Qui-Gon said, this was the better way. What a great punishment. I wouldn't trade this for... for... a porn stash.
Kikel: M mmmm mmm mmmmm. (I wish you would.)
The End