REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED BEN(NOT LUKE)WARM
by Vicki Vance
Summary: Revenge is not limited to one's peers, as Obi-Wan and Kikel learn.
PG-13 for languages and innuendo (not to mention flat-out statements!)
Disclaimer: I still own nothing. I am still not making any money from this.
(Early evening at the Jedi Temple. There is a knock at Obi-Wan's door.)
Kikel: Hey Obi-Wan! I've got a present for us.
(no answer. Kikel knocks again)
Kikel: Hey! Open up! You'll like it!
(still no answer. Kikel pushes the panel and opens the door and walks right in.)
Kikel: Obi-Wan?! Where are you?
Obi-Wan: -grumble?-
Kikel: Ken?
Obi-Wan: wot?
Kikel: Where are you?
Obi-Wan: here.
Kikel: Where's here?
Obi-Wan: i dunno.
Kikel: (going to his room) What are you doing?
Obi-Wan: sleeping.
Kikel: You can't be sleeping, you're talking.
Obi-Wan: i'm talking in my sleep.
Kikel: You can't talk in your sleep when you're awake!
Obi-Wan: i'm not awake.
Kikel: Yes, you are.
Obi-Wan: no, i'm asleep and dreaming about valkyries.
Kikel: What?
Obi-Wan: mmm... snuggle in bosom...
Kikel: Come on Obi-Wan! I know you're awake!
Obi-Wan: i'm sleeping.
Kikel: The one night your Master is out late and you take advantage of it by sleeping?!
Obi-Wan: (frowns a little) hmm... you have pointy horns, lady.
Kikel: Wake up! (shakes him)
Obi-Wan: Oh lady, stop with the hurting! Nice lady!
Kikel: Hey! I've got concert tickets!
Obi-Wan: (wakes up) Huh?
Kikel: I've got two tickets to Holopalooza and I want you to be my chaperone.
Obi-Wan: Chaperone?
Kikel: It's an excuse to go to the show!
Obi-Wan: Who will be there?
Kikel: Oh, everybody! The Mystic Quarren, Thunder Bunnies, Bottoms Up, Two Girls from Corellia, the Death Stix, everybody!
Obi-Wan: Ooooo... When does it start?
Kikel: (checks his chrono) In about fifteen minutes.
Obi-Wan: Fifteen minutes? We can't make it in that time!
Kikel: That sounds like a bet to me!
Obi-Wan: Oh dear.
~five minutes later~
(Two young Jedi rush toward a taxi stop.)
Obi-Wan: I've heard these tickets are harder to get a hold of than a gundark's ears. How'd you manage it?
Kikel: Oh, someone didn't want them anymore.
Obi-Wan: I don't think I believe that. Why would someone not want to go to Holopalooza? It's only THE greatest music festival on the planet!
Kikel: No, really, she didn't want them anymore.
Obi-Wan: She?
Kikel: Yeah.
Obi-Wan: Who?
Kikel: No one important.
Obi-Wan: WHO?
Kikel: I'laine.
Obi-Wan: I'laine Yaigen-Snaren?
Kikel: Yep. The ol' Snarskie.
Obi-Wan: And she happened to have two tickets to Holopalooza?
Kikel: Yep.
Obi-Wan: And she didn't want them?
Kikel: Yep.
Obi-Wan: I don't believe you.
Kikel: No one does.
Obi-Wan: What did you tell her?
Kikel: Nothing!
Obi-Wan: You had to tell her something. She's not stupid enough to give away two tickets to Holopalooza.
Kikel: Three tickets.
Obi-Wan: Three?!
Kikel: I sold it earlier.
Obi-Wan: To whom?
Kikel: Some guy with a bundle of credits and a fake moustache.
Obi-Wan: You took three tickets to Holopalooza from I'laine?
Kikel: Awwww! (the taxi speeds off in the distance) We missed our ride!
I'laine: That's probably all for the better.
Kikel: (turning on the 'charm') I'laine! My dear, we were just talking about you. Funny seeing you here...
Obi-Wan: 'My dear?'
Kikel: (jabs him in the rib) Heh heh heh. It's so nice to see you.
I'laine: Cut the crap, Manhal. You told me the concert was cancelled and took my tickets from me. The noble thing you can do is let me have two of them so I can go with one of my friends. I've got nothing against you, Obi-Wan. I was planning on inviting you anyway.
Obi-Wan: (brightly) Really?
Kikel: But I'laine! I told you, the concert's cancelled.
Obi-Wan: What?
Kikel: (makes eye contact with him) Yes, because the Death Stix rampaged, remember? And so (monotonously) THERE IS NO CONCERT TO GO TO IN FACT WE'RE NOT EVEN GOING ANYWHERE TONIGHT, RIGHT?
Obi-Wan: (clearly not getting the message) No, we're going to the concert.
Kikel: oy gevalt.
Obi-Wan: You woke me up from my nice nap and now we're on our way and it starts in seven minutes...
Kikel: shut up, ken.
I'laine: I see. It was CANCELLED. Yes, I understand.
Obi-Wan: You can have my ticket, I'laine.
I'laine: No, I want yours, Kikel, and the third.
Kikel: (innocently) Third?
Obi-Wan: But he sold it.
I'laine: WHAT?! You conniving, devious little ingrown toenail!
Kikel: Hey, I may be conniving and devious and a toenail but I am not little!
Obi-Wan: You're shorter than me.
Kikel: You're older than me.
Obi-Wan: By only a few months.
I'laine: I can't stand the two of you. Get lost, Obi-Wan. Kikel and I need to settle this on our own.
Obi-Wan: (feelings are hurt) i don't want to get lost...
I'laine: Just get outta here. I'm gonna whup Kikel's ass and I don't what you getting splattered.
Obi-Wan: Violence isn't the solution.
I'laine: (cracks her knuckles) But sometimes it's necessary.
Obi-Wan: No, no, no.
I'laine: And what are you gonna do? Tell on me? Ooo, I'm so scared!
Kikel: Shut up, I'laine.
I'laine: Just gimme my tickets back and MAYBE I won't press charges. What you did WAS stealing, you know. And you could get kicked out of the Order for that.
Obi-Wan: Me too?
I'laine: What do you think, lazerbrains? Of course not! Gah, you are thick-skulled.
Kikel: Leave him alone. He's not worth picking on.
I'laine: Hey, just 'cause I'm a girl doesn't make me scared to beat up the both of you.
Kikel: That's it! I'm leaving. I'm not going to the concert. (throws his ticket down) Go on and stoop to get it. I won't look. (walks away)
Obi-Wan: (nervously hands her his ticket) Sorry. (runs to catch up with Kikel)
Kikel: Cruddy bitch.
Obi-Wan: Kikel!
Kikel: What? That's what she is!
Obi-Wan: But you took the tickets from her in the first place!
Kikel: You know what she did to me?
Obi-Wan: No...
Kikel: You know how we spar back at the Temple?
Obi-Wan: Yeah.
Kikel: She's ruthless when she spars.
Obi-Wan: How so?
Kikel: Well, remember a couple of weeks ago when I was feeling under the weather but I decided to fight anyway? Well, instead of going light on me, she brought me down quick and hard. And then, when I was on the floor, clearly defeated, (whispers) she kicked me.
Obi-Wan: Where?
Kikel: ...
Obi-Wan: Ohhh... Ouch.
Kikel: Yeah.
Obi-Wan: That's really mean. You had a fever, didn't you? And you showed admirable resilience and then she mopped the floor with your defeated carcass and then... did... THAT. She didn't even have to. (stops walking suddenly) Let's go get her!
Kikel: Ken, it's not worth it-
Obi-Wan: Yes it is! She has committed a crime against males in all corners of the galaxy! We must strike back!
Kikel: All right, but for once, it was your idea.
Obi-Wan: Let's go!
(they run off, quickly catching up with I'laine)
I'laine: What do you want?
Obi-Wan: What wrong with you? Kicking a man... THERE?
I'laine: (stares at them for a moment) Pardon?
Obi-Wan: You and he were sparring-
I'laine: Oooh, yes, we were sparring all right, and he's acting all sick and then pulls off that stunt!
Kikel: What stunt?
I'laine: You know perfectly well what I mean!
Kikel: Well, actually, no I don't.
I'laine: Come on, Manhal, you know everything.
Kikel: No, really, I have no idea what you're talking about. All I know is that you started all this when you kicked me in the powerpacks.
I'laine: Oh, it did not start there. It started when you- you-
Obi-Wan and Kikel: What?
I'laine: (blushing) You GRABBED me!
Kikel: ...?
Obi-Wan: (pointedly) But there's not much to grab, I'laine-
I'laine: Shut up!
Kikel: I didn't grab you.
I'laine: Yes you did. We were sparring with the poles and when we wrestled a little, you grabbed me.
Kikel: Did I?
Obi-Wan: Did you?
Kikel: No.
I'laine: Yes, you did!!! And I kicked you so you'd know you hadn't gotten away with it!
Kikel: I didn't mean to do that. I don't even remember. I was sick, OK? Honestly. I was expecting you'd go easy on me, but then you beat me and kicked me in the part of my body that's very special to me.
I'laine: (stubbornly) You're lying.
Obi-Wan: I believe him. I'm sure it was all just an honest mistake.
I'laine: Well, maybe.
Kikel: Really. I'm not lying. I'm sorry for what I did. Try to forgive me. Keep in mind, I wasn't aware that I had done it.
I'laine: Well... fine.
Obi-Wan: And I'm sorry for saying you're small. Because you're not. On the contrary, you are quite large. I mean, you're not large. But, er, you're not tiny, either. In fact, um, I think it's the shape-
Kikel: Shut up, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: yes sir.
I'laine: You know what, guys? Here, take the tickets. Go to the show.
Kikel: What about you?
I'laine: I'm tired. And I don't feel like it anymore.
Kikel: Oh.
I'laine: But, could you do one thing for me?
Kikel: Sure.
I'laine: You see that building over there? The respectable one?
Kikel: Yes.
I'laine: That's a post office where I've got some forwarded datapads. Could you pick them up for me? Thanks.
Kikel: Sure.
I'laine: Bye, guys.
(she leaves rather quickly)
Kikel: Let's go the concert!
~after the concert, late that night~
Obi-Wan: I'm tired.
Kikel: Fine, we'll go home after we pick up I'laine's mail.
Obi-Wan: Oh yeah, I'd almost forgotten about that.
(they go to the respectable building and enter)
Obi-Wan: It's awfully dark in here.
Kikel: It smells like (he sniffs deeply) powder of some kind.
Obi-Wan: Did you hear that?
Kikel: Hear what?
(a light flips on, casting a pink glow in the comfy-looking room There is a round lady there, dressed in very little.)
Lady: Hello boys. Care for an evening of fun?
Obi-Wan and Kikel: ...!
Lady: You're quite young-looking to be gentlemen of the night. Well then, perhaps I can find a couple of young-looking ladies.
Obi-Wan and Kikel: ...
Lady: I see you are the strong silent type. I'm sure we can get a party going that'll melt you two like butter.
Obi-Wan: You... do...THINGS, don't you, lady?
Lady: My girls and I can do anything you want, handsome.
Obi-Wan: I want to go home, Kikel. They do THINGS...
Lady: Ahh, are you interested in a mother figure? I've got one who wouldn't mind tucking you in, singing you lullabies, spanking you if you're naughty.
Kikel: THANK YOU, PERSON, BUT WE HAVE TO GO NOW!
(other ladies enter the room and encircle the two Padawans who stand frozen to the spot)
Lady#1: We don't bite, little boy...
Lady#2: Hard...
Obi-Wan: I'm scared, Kikel. She's touching me. Her hands are in my pockets, even in places where I don't have pockets!
Kikel: (also being examined by a whore) Obi-Wan, on the count of run... RUN!
(they run away)
Lady#1: Enjoy the gifts we gave you!
Lady#2: Come again!
(they giggle)
~the next day~
(the Jedi Temple, Obi-Wan's quarters. He's sound asleep in bed. The sun has risen, as have most of the Jedi. Including Qui-Gon.)
Qui-Gon: (shaking Obi-Wan) Wake up, Padawan.
Obi-Wan: huh?
Qui-Gon: Is there something you're not telling me?
Obi-Wan: (pause) is this a trick question, master?
Qui-Gon: No. I just want to know if there's anything you want to talk to me about.
Obi-Wan: (thinks) No.
Qui-Gon: Are you sure?
Obi-Wan: Yes.
Qui-Gon: (sighs heavily) Then there's no easy way to say this. I found the condoms, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: that's ni- (snaps wide awake) WHAT?!
Qui-Gon: Are you having sex?
Obi-Wan: No, I- Wait, condoms? Where?
Qui-Gon: In your tunic pockets. Sex can wait until you're older, Padawan. Until you are an adult. You're still a child-
Obi-Wan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA! I have condoms?
Qui-Gon: Yes, and I don't know what to think.
Obi-Wan: I didn't know I had them.
Qui-Gon: I'm proud of you for using protection, but I can't believe that-
Obi-Wan: I don't know where I got them, Master.
Qui-Gon: You were out late last night.
Obi-Wan: But I told you already, I went to the Holopalooza concert.
Qui-Gon: Have you slept with anyone, Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: No!!!
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan, keep in mind that I just want you to tell the truth.
Obi-Wan: I am! I just went to the concert, that's all. No... where... else... except for... that place...
Qui-Gon: What place, Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: I'laine!
Qui-Gon: Who?
Obi-Wan: (grits teeth) I'laine Yaigen-Snaren!
Qui-Gon: Snarskie?
Obi-Wan: You want to hear the truth? Well I'll let you know...
~after the truth is told~
Qui-Gon: Well, that's a relief.
Obi-Wan: Yeah... So, who's to blame? Some one MUST be punished.
Qui-Gon: No one, I think.
Obi-Wan: Really?
Qui-Gon: Yes. It was all a misunderstanding.
Obi-Wan: But she knowingly sent us to a brothel after we'd gotten everything between us cleared up!
Qui-Gon: Yes, but Kikel deserved the punishment.
Obi-Wan: I didn't!
Qui-Gon: Yes, that's true. She should apologize to you.
Obi-Wan: She won't.
Qui-Gon: Why not?
Obi-Wan: She's a girl and girls are all cranky and PMSy and mean.
Qui-Gon: She may change her mind in time, Obi-Wan. After all, she was upset with Kikel and not you. She was only snapping at you because you were there. Why don't you go talk to her in a while? Get everything cleared up?
Obi-Wan: Yes, Master.
Qui-Gon: Just keep in mind, Padawan, there is always a mature solution to any conflict. (winks) Even one involving girls.
Obi-Wan: MATURE solution... right...
~after everything is cleared up and a MATURE solution is reached~
(Kikel is walking along a corridor toward the dining hall.)
Kikel: ...tum tee tum tee tum...
Obi-Wan: NOW!
Kikel: ?!
(Obi-Wan and I'laine leap out from their hiding places behind two statues and tackle Kikel)
I'laine: You got it?
Kikel: WHAT-
(A rip of clothing is heard)
Obi-Wan: Got it!
(Obi-Wan and I'laine jump up and dash away. Kikel gets to his feet)
Kikel: What was that all about?
I'laine: (giggling) Nice legs, Manhal!
Kikel: What? (looks down. He has no pants on.)
Obi-Wan: (holds Kikel's pants up and waves them around.) Looking for these?
Kikel: You- (tries to pull down his tunic to cover up his shiny purple boxers) treacherous- demonic- lump of bantha fodder!
Obi-Wan: (laughing with I'laine) Just make sure Master Windu doesn't see you with those on!
Kikel: Obi-Wan, have you ever been violently charged by a very pissed-off half-clothed Jedi seeking revenge?
Obi-Wan: Nah.
Kikel: WELL, THAT'S PRECISELY WHAT FATE HAS IN STORE FOR YOU!!!
Obi-Wan: You can't do anything to me! You have no pants!
Kikel: KIKEL HAS NO PANTS; KIKEL NEEDS NO PANTS!!!
The End
If you get the reference at the very end, you deserve a croissant.
by Vicki Vance
Summary: Revenge is not limited to one's peers, as Obi-Wan and Kikel learn.
PG-13 for languages and innuendo (not to mention flat-out statements!)
Disclaimer: I still own nothing. I am still not making any money from this.
(Early evening at the Jedi Temple. There is a knock at Obi-Wan's door.)
Kikel: Hey Obi-Wan! I've got a present for us.
(no answer. Kikel knocks again)
Kikel: Hey! Open up! You'll like it!
(still no answer. Kikel pushes the panel and opens the door and walks right in.)
Kikel: Obi-Wan?! Where are you?
Obi-Wan: -grumble?-
Kikel: Ken?
Obi-Wan: wot?
Kikel: Where are you?
Obi-Wan: here.
Kikel: Where's here?
Obi-Wan: i dunno.
Kikel: (going to his room) What are you doing?
Obi-Wan: sleeping.
Kikel: You can't be sleeping, you're talking.
Obi-Wan: i'm talking in my sleep.
Kikel: You can't talk in your sleep when you're awake!
Obi-Wan: i'm not awake.
Kikel: Yes, you are.
Obi-Wan: no, i'm asleep and dreaming about valkyries.
Kikel: What?
Obi-Wan: mmm... snuggle in bosom...
Kikel: Come on Obi-Wan! I know you're awake!
Obi-Wan: i'm sleeping.
Kikel: The one night your Master is out late and you take advantage of it by sleeping?!
Obi-Wan: (frowns a little) hmm... you have pointy horns, lady.
Kikel: Wake up! (shakes him)
Obi-Wan: Oh lady, stop with the hurting! Nice lady!
Kikel: Hey! I've got concert tickets!
Obi-Wan: (wakes up) Huh?
Kikel: I've got two tickets to Holopalooza and I want you to be my chaperone.
Obi-Wan: Chaperone?
Kikel: It's an excuse to go to the show!
Obi-Wan: Who will be there?
Kikel: Oh, everybody! The Mystic Quarren, Thunder Bunnies, Bottoms Up, Two Girls from Corellia, the Death Stix, everybody!
Obi-Wan: Ooooo... When does it start?
Kikel: (checks his chrono) In about fifteen minutes.
Obi-Wan: Fifteen minutes? We can't make it in that time!
Kikel: That sounds like a bet to me!
Obi-Wan: Oh dear.
~five minutes later~
(Two young Jedi rush toward a taxi stop.)
Obi-Wan: I've heard these tickets are harder to get a hold of than a gundark's ears. How'd you manage it?
Kikel: Oh, someone didn't want them anymore.
Obi-Wan: I don't think I believe that. Why would someone not want to go to Holopalooza? It's only THE greatest music festival on the planet!
Kikel: No, really, she didn't want them anymore.
Obi-Wan: She?
Kikel: Yeah.
Obi-Wan: Who?
Kikel: No one important.
Obi-Wan: WHO?
Kikel: I'laine.
Obi-Wan: I'laine Yaigen-Snaren?
Kikel: Yep. The ol' Snarskie.
Obi-Wan: And she happened to have two tickets to Holopalooza?
Kikel: Yep.
Obi-Wan: And she didn't want them?
Kikel: Yep.
Obi-Wan: I don't believe you.
Kikel: No one does.
Obi-Wan: What did you tell her?
Kikel: Nothing!
Obi-Wan: You had to tell her something. She's not stupid enough to give away two tickets to Holopalooza.
Kikel: Three tickets.
Obi-Wan: Three?!
Kikel: I sold it earlier.
Obi-Wan: To whom?
Kikel: Some guy with a bundle of credits and a fake moustache.
Obi-Wan: You took three tickets to Holopalooza from I'laine?
Kikel: Awwww! (the taxi speeds off in the distance) We missed our ride!
I'laine: That's probably all for the better.
Kikel: (turning on the 'charm') I'laine! My dear, we were just talking about you. Funny seeing you here...
Obi-Wan: 'My dear?'
Kikel: (jabs him in the rib) Heh heh heh. It's so nice to see you.
I'laine: Cut the crap, Manhal. You told me the concert was cancelled and took my tickets from me. The noble thing you can do is let me have two of them so I can go with one of my friends. I've got nothing against you, Obi-Wan. I was planning on inviting you anyway.
Obi-Wan: (brightly) Really?
Kikel: But I'laine! I told you, the concert's cancelled.
Obi-Wan: What?
Kikel: (makes eye contact with him) Yes, because the Death Stix rampaged, remember? And so (monotonously) THERE IS NO CONCERT TO GO TO IN FACT WE'RE NOT EVEN GOING ANYWHERE TONIGHT, RIGHT?
Obi-Wan: (clearly not getting the message) No, we're going to the concert.
Kikel: oy gevalt.
Obi-Wan: You woke me up from my nice nap and now we're on our way and it starts in seven minutes...
Kikel: shut up, ken.
I'laine: I see. It was CANCELLED. Yes, I understand.
Obi-Wan: You can have my ticket, I'laine.
I'laine: No, I want yours, Kikel, and the third.
Kikel: (innocently) Third?
Obi-Wan: But he sold it.
I'laine: WHAT?! You conniving, devious little ingrown toenail!
Kikel: Hey, I may be conniving and devious and a toenail but I am not little!
Obi-Wan: You're shorter than me.
Kikel: You're older than me.
Obi-Wan: By only a few months.
I'laine: I can't stand the two of you. Get lost, Obi-Wan. Kikel and I need to settle this on our own.
Obi-Wan: (feelings are hurt) i don't want to get lost...
I'laine: Just get outta here. I'm gonna whup Kikel's ass and I don't what you getting splattered.
Obi-Wan: Violence isn't the solution.
I'laine: (cracks her knuckles) But sometimes it's necessary.
Obi-Wan: No, no, no.
I'laine: And what are you gonna do? Tell on me? Ooo, I'm so scared!
Kikel: Shut up, I'laine.
I'laine: Just gimme my tickets back and MAYBE I won't press charges. What you did WAS stealing, you know. And you could get kicked out of the Order for that.
Obi-Wan: Me too?
I'laine: What do you think, lazerbrains? Of course not! Gah, you are thick-skulled.
Kikel: Leave him alone. He's not worth picking on.
I'laine: Hey, just 'cause I'm a girl doesn't make me scared to beat up the both of you.
Kikel: That's it! I'm leaving. I'm not going to the concert. (throws his ticket down) Go on and stoop to get it. I won't look. (walks away)
Obi-Wan: (nervously hands her his ticket) Sorry. (runs to catch up with Kikel)
Kikel: Cruddy bitch.
Obi-Wan: Kikel!
Kikel: What? That's what she is!
Obi-Wan: But you took the tickets from her in the first place!
Kikel: You know what she did to me?
Obi-Wan: No...
Kikel: You know how we spar back at the Temple?
Obi-Wan: Yeah.
Kikel: She's ruthless when she spars.
Obi-Wan: How so?
Kikel: Well, remember a couple of weeks ago when I was feeling under the weather but I decided to fight anyway? Well, instead of going light on me, she brought me down quick and hard. And then, when I was on the floor, clearly defeated, (whispers) she kicked me.
Obi-Wan: Where?
Kikel: ...
Obi-Wan: Ohhh... Ouch.
Kikel: Yeah.
Obi-Wan: That's really mean. You had a fever, didn't you? And you showed admirable resilience and then she mopped the floor with your defeated carcass and then... did... THAT. She didn't even have to. (stops walking suddenly) Let's go get her!
Kikel: Ken, it's not worth it-
Obi-Wan: Yes it is! She has committed a crime against males in all corners of the galaxy! We must strike back!
Kikel: All right, but for once, it was your idea.
Obi-Wan: Let's go!
(they run off, quickly catching up with I'laine)
I'laine: What do you want?
Obi-Wan: What wrong with you? Kicking a man... THERE?
I'laine: (stares at them for a moment) Pardon?
Obi-Wan: You and he were sparring-
I'laine: Oooh, yes, we were sparring all right, and he's acting all sick and then pulls off that stunt!
Kikel: What stunt?
I'laine: You know perfectly well what I mean!
Kikel: Well, actually, no I don't.
I'laine: Come on, Manhal, you know everything.
Kikel: No, really, I have no idea what you're talking about. All I know is that you started all this when you kicked me in the powerpacks.
I'laine: Oh, it did not start there. It started when you- you-
Obi-Wan and Kikel: What?
I'laine: (blushing) You GRABBED me!
Kikel: ...?
Obi-Wan: (pointedly) But there's not much to grab, I'laine-
I'laine: Shut up!
Kikel: I didn't grab you.
I'laine: Yes you did. We were sparring with the poles and when we wrestled a little, you grabbed me.
Kikel: Did I?
Obi-Wan: Did you?
Kikel: No.
I'laine: Yes, you did!!! And I kicked you so you'd know you hadn't gotten away with it!
Kikel: I didn't mean to do that. I don't even remember. I was sick, OK? Honestly. I was expecting you'd go easy on me, but then you beat me and kicked me in the part of my body that's very special to me.
I'laine: (stubbornly) You're lying.
Obi-Wan: I believe him. I'm sure it was all just an honest mistake.
I'laine: Well, maybe.
Kikel: Really. I'm not lying. I'm sorry for what I did. Try to forgive me. Keep in mind, I wasn't aware that I had done it.
I'laine: Well... fine.
Obi-Wan: And I'm sorry for saying you're small. Because you're not. On the contrary, you are quite large. I mean, you're not large. But, er, you're not tiny, either. In fact, um, I think it's the shape-
Kikel: Shut up, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: yes sir.
I'laine: You know what, guys? Here, take the tickets. Go to the show.
Kikel: What about you?
I'laine: I'm tired. And I don't feel like it anymore.
Kikel: Oh.
I'laine: But, could you do one thing for me?
Kikel: Sure.
I'laine: You see that building over there? The respectable one?
Kikel: Yes.
I'laine: That's a post office where I've got some forwarded datapads. Could you pick them up for me? Thanks.
Kikel: Sure.
I'laine: Bye, guys.
(she leaves rather quickly)
Kikel: Let's go the concert!
~after the concert, late that night~
Obi-Wan: I'm tired.
Kikel: Fine, we'll go home after we pick up I'laine's mail.
Obi-Wan: Oh yeah, I'd almost forgotten about that.
(they go to the respectable building and enter)
Obi-Wan: It's awfully dark in here.
Kikel: It smells like (he sniffs deeply) powder of some kind.
Obi-Wan: Did you hear that?
Kikel: Hear what?
(a light flips on, casting a pink glow in the comfy-looking room There is a round lady there, dressed in very little.)
Lady: Hello boys. Care for an evening of fun?
Obi-Wan and Kikel: ...!
Lady: You're quite young-looking to be gentlemen of the night. Well then, perhaps I can find a couple of young-looking ladies.
Obi-Wan and Kikel: ...
Lady: I see you are the strong silent type. I'm sure we can get a party going that'll melt you two like butter.
Obi-Wan: You... do...THINGS, don't you, lady?
Lady: My girls and I can do anything you want, handsome.
Obi-Wan: I want to go home, Kikel. They do THINGS...
Lady: Ahh, are you interested in a mother figure? I've got one who wouldn't mind tucking you in, singing you lullabies, spanking you if you're naughty.
Kikel: THANK YOU, PERSON, BUT WE HAVE TO GO NOW!
(other ladies enter the room and encircle the two Padawans who stand frozen to the spot)
Lady#1: We don't bite, little boy...
Lady#2: Hard...
Obi-Wan: I'm scared, Kikel. She's touching me. Her hands are in my pockets, even in places where I don't have pockets!
Kikel: (also being examined by a whore) Obi-Wan, on the count of run... RUN!
(they run away)
Lady#1: Enjoy the gifts we gave you!
Lady#2: Come again!
(they giggle)
~the next day~
(the Jedi Temple, Obi-Wan's quarters. He's sound asleep in bed. The sun has risen, as have most of the Jedi. Including Qui-Gon.)
Qui-Gon: (shaking Obi-Wan) Wake up, Padawan.
Obi-Wan: huh?
Qui-Gon: Is there something you're not telling me?
Obi-Wan: (pause) is this a trick question, master?
Qui-Gon: No. I just want to know if there's anything you want to talk to me about.
Obi-Wan: (thinks) No.
Qui-Gon: Are you sure?
Obi-Wan: Yes.
Qui-Gon: (sighs heavily) Then there's no easy way to say this. I found the condoms, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: that's ni- (snaps wide awake) WHAT?!
Qui-Gon: Are you having sex?
Obi-Wan: No, I- Wait, condoms? Where?
Qui-Gon: In your tunic pockets. Sex can wait until you're older, Padawan. Until you are an adult. You're still a child-
Obi-Wan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA! I have condoms?
Qui-Gon: Yes, and I don't know what to think.
Obi-Wan: I didn't know I had them.
Qui-Gon: I'm proud of you for using protection, but I can't believe that-
Obi-Wan: I don't know where I got them, Master.
Qui-Gon: You were out late last night.
Obi-Wan: But I told you already, I went to the Holopalooza concert.
Qui-Gon: Have you slept with anyone, Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: No!!!
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan, keep in mind that I just want you to tell the truth.
Obi-Wan: I am! I just went to the concert, that's all. No... where... else... except for... that place...
Qui-Gon: What place, Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: I'laine!
Qui-Gon: Who?
Obi-Wan: (grits teeth) I'laine Yaigen-Snaren!
Qui-Gon: Snarskie?
Obi-Wan: You want to hear the truth? Well I'll let you know...
~after the truth is told~
Qui-Gon: Well, that's a relief.
Obi-Wan: Yeah... So, who's to blame? Some one MUST be punished.
Qui-Gon: No one, I think.
Obi-Wan: Really?
Qui-Gon: Yes. It was all a misunderstanding.
Obi-Wan: But she knowingly sent us to a brothel after we'd gotten everything between us cleared up!
Qui-Gon: Yes, but Kikel deserved the punishment.
Obi-Wan: I didn't!
Qui-Gon: Yes, that's true. She should apologize to you.
Obi-Wan: She won't.
Qui-Gon: Why not?
Obi-Wan: She's a girl and girls are all cranky and PMSy and mean.
Qui-Gon: She may change her mind in time, Obi-Wan. After all, she was upset with Kikel and not you. She was only snapping at you because you were there. Why don't you go talk to her in a while? Get everything cleared up?
Obi-Wan: Yes, Master.
Qui-Gon: Just keep in mind, Padawan, there is always a mature solution to any conflict. (winks) Even one involving girls.
Obi-Wan: MATURE solution... right...
~after everything is cleared up and a MATURE solution is reached~
(Kikel is walking along a corridor toward the dining hall.)
Kikel: ...tum tee tum tee tum...
Obi-Wan: NOW!
Kikel: ?!
(Obi-Wan and I'laine leap out from their hiding places behind two statues and tackle Kikel)
I'laine: You got it?
Kikel: WHAT-
(A rip of clothing is heard)
Obi-Wan: Got it!
(Obi-Wan and I'laine jump up and dash away. Kikel gets to his feet)
Kikel: What was that all about?
I'laine: (giggling) Nice legs, Manhal!
Kikel: What? (looks down. He has no pants on.)
Obi-Wan: (holds Kikel's pants up and waves them around.) Looking for these?
Kikel: You- (tries to pull down his tunic to cover up his shiny purple boxers) treacherous- demonic- lump of bantha fodder!
Obi-Wan: (laughing with I'laine) Just make sure Master Windu doesn't see you with those on!
Kikel: Obi-Wan, have you ever been violently charged by a very pissed-off half-clothed Jedi seeking revenge?
Obi-Wan: Nah.
Kikel: WELL, THAT'S PRECISELY WHAT FATE HAS IN STORE FOR YOU!!!
Obi-Wan: You can't do anything to me! You have no pants!
Kikel: KIKEL HAS NO PANTS; KIKEL NEEDS NO PANTS!!!
The End
If you get the reference at the very end, you deserve a croissant.