REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED BEN(NOT LUKE)WARM
By Vicki Vance
So far in this collection, others have taken revenge on Kikel. Now he shall take revenge on everyone else!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am making no profit off of this.
Thanks to Daphne for help with the plot. Yes, you Daphne! That's you!!!
(Philosophy class at the Jedi Temple)
Kikel: (loudly) Not another assembly!
Farrel: Yes, Mr. Manhal. You will all listen to the esteemed Master Portrenon deliver his speech on the nature of the Force and how our bodies are connected to it.
Kikel: Esteemed? phft.
Farrel: His views are quite eye-opening, seeing as how he has journeyed quite close to death.
Kikel: Yeah, for like a millisecond!
Farrel: Which is longer than you, Mr. Manhal. So, his point of view is exceedingly interesting and worth listening to.
Kikel: It's worth ENDURING, you mean.
Farrel: Mr. Manhal! I would expect a young man like yourself to compose himself in a more appropriate manner. May I remind him he is not an adult, contrary to what he may think?
Kikel: ...
Farrel: Right. Now, leave your book bags here, students. We'll head over now.
Kikel: (to Obi-Wan) I HATE it when he talks in third person.
Obi-Wan: Well, maybe if you kept your big mouth shut you wouldn't get into trouble all the time.
Kikel: The Force blessed me with a big mouth and it was not meant to be shut! And besides, trouble is meant to get in to. Why else would it be there?
Obi-Wan: Trouble is meant to kept out of.
Kikel: Ken, we're Jedi. We're ALWAYS getting into trouble.
Obi-Wan: Oh. Right.
(General assembly room. Many Jedi have gathered.)
Obi-Wan: Wow! Look at all these Jedi! I wonder, with such a crowd, if Master Protrenon is as esteemed as he is made out to be.
Kikel: You're right. There ARE a lot of Jedi here.
Obi-Wan: A whole lotta... lotta... a whole lotta brown.
Kikel: Yeah. Reminds me of the sewer system.
Obi-Wan: Kikel! These are respected Jedi! Not sewer trash!
Kikel: Well, it's like one, giant, flowing mass of sh-
Obi-Wan: Shshshshsh! There's Protrenon!
Protrenon: (approaches a podium and looks overly grave and dramatic) Death... Death is, perhaps, the ultimate victory of the Force over the physical body. It is at this moment when the vessel is unable to sustain the spirit and the choice must be made whether to go on with the will of the Force, or to resist, and perhaps forgo any prospect of joining the afterlife peacefully.
Obi-Wan: ...
Kikel: hmph.
Protrenon: Midi-chlorians, are important as communicators of the Force but I have recently come to believe they are not necessary-
Kikel: How?
Protrenon: We communicate with the Force through our spirits, young man. After all, a spirit has no physical body and therefore cannot have midi-chlorians, yet they continue to exist in the purest connection to the Force-
Kikel: Wait, wait, wait. Is anybody else seeing what's wrong here?
Anybody else: ...?
Protrenon: Excuse me, but just who are you, young man?
Kikel: I'm Kikel J. Manhal. And I believe-
Protrenon: Ohhh, Kikel Manhal. I've heard of you and you're cynical views.
Kikel: They're not cynical, there's sensible. I make logical statements, which you do not!
Obi-Wan: are you crazy?!
Protrenon: Are you aware that I am a well-respected Jedi Master with the intellectual capacity of a genius by Republic standards?
Kikel: Yeah. But, there is a difference between intelligence and wisdom, and you're lacking in the latter.
Protrenon: (clearly upset) And just WHAT gives you that idea, oh great Manhal sir?
Kikel: Well, life cannot exist without the Force, right?
Protrenon: Agreed.
Kikel: Just as life cannot exist with no connection to the Force, right?
Protrenon: Agreed.
Kikel: And you claim midi-chlorians are useless because we can already communicate with the Force through our spirits, right?
Protrenon: Yes. What is your claim, Mr. Manhal?
Kikel: Well, what about the midi-chlorians themselves? Could you not say that they have their own spirit, seeing as how you continually say that our physical bodies are a hindrance to the Force and the midi-chlorians help to overcome that hindrance?
Protrenon: Well...
Kikel: And they bond with each other to make up our own individual spirits, so we are not one entity but really the commune of several thousand entities? After all, midi-chlorians don't die. The same midi-chlorians are with us from birth to death. This has been proved with scientific fact.
Protrenon: er...
Kikel: So, you see, this is why a being with little Force-ability do not appear as strong through the Force as those with great Force ability do. They shine dimmer than Jedi. This is because there is simply a larger quantity of midi-chlorians in Jedi than others. This is also why we are bound together in the Force, for we are all made of the same minuscule parts of one giant spirit. Because, after all, the Force has some degree of sentiency, correct? I mean, it IS a higher being of some kind.
Protrenon: ...
Farrel: Holy Force! Kikel, YOU'RE A GENIUS!
~the next day~
(The boys bathroom. Obi-Wan is washing his hands, whistling 'Buffalo Gals, Won't You Come Out Tonight'.)
(Whistling of the same tune answers him from one of the stalls.)
(He whistles back.)
Kikel: Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: Kikel?
Kikel: Are you alone?
(Obi-Wan turns around a complete circle)
Obi-Wan: Yeah...
Kikel: Come in here.
Obi-Wan: uhhh...
Kikel: Just get in here. Now.
(Obi-Wan cautiously enter the stall. Kikel closes the door behind him.)
Obi-Wan: You look sick.
Kikel: I am. You know what happened yesterday?
Obi-Wan: You mean after you outsmarted the most respected philosophical Jedi in the galaxy and got carted away by a Master Farrel going out of his mind with joy, calling you his 'angelic prodigy sent solely to him by the Force itself'?
Kikel: Yeah.
Obi-Wan: No, what happened?
Kikel: He had me take a test.
Obi-Wan: What test.
Kikel: The Republic Standard Intelligence for Sentients Test.
Obi-Wan: The ReSIST? Oh my force field! Are you okay?
Kikel: No...
Obi-Wan: That test is killer-
Kikel: I aced it.
Obi-Wan: You what?
Kikel: I aced it. I am now officially a genius. And here's the kicker: my score is even higher than that of Protrenon's.
Obi-Wan: Holy Force and all its midi-chlorians!
Kikel: That's just what I thought.
Obi-Wan: This is insane! I always knew you were smart, but a GENIUS?
Kikel: I know. Now Farrel is molding me into the philosopher he never was. News has spread like wildfire through the Temple. Everyone's asking me intellectual questions and I don't want to answer them!
Obi-Wan: Like what?
Kikel: Oh, you know, the general stuff. If the Force is sentient, why doesn't it care for us? Why is there a Dark Side? Which came first, the mynock or the egg?
Obi-Wan: Well, the mynock, of course.
Kikel: No, the egg. A creature that was the pre-evolutionary definition of the mynock laid the egg and a modernly evolved mynock was hatched.
Obi-Wan: You do know everything!
Kikel: No I don't! I'm all... weird now.
Obi-Wan: You were weird before...
Kikel: But I feel different! I could hardly sleep last night, I haven't eaten anything, I'm constantly hounded by questions, and I'm talking to you in a bathroom stall!
Obi-Wan: You need help.
Kikel: No shit, Sherlock!
Obi-Wan: Well, what are we gonna do?
Kikel: I've already talked to my Master. I don't think he likes me anymore. He acts like I'm more an intellectual than fighter and I'm not! I'm just as good a fighter today as I was yesterday.
Obi-Wan: Why don't we talk to Yoda?
Kikel: No! He'll want to have a conversation about the meaning of existence with me.
Obi-Wan: Well, how about my Master? He'll understand.
Kikel: Well, okay, I guess. Your Master is sort of a softy, come to think of it. He's good with all the emotional junk.
Obi-Wan: What?! My Master can whup your Master any day!
Kikel: Nuh-uh! My Master once fought six gundarks... at once!
Obi-Wan: Oh yeah? Well, my Master battled sixTEEN Gammorreans at once!
Kikel: Oh yeah? Well, my Master's taller.
Obi-Wan: Nuh-uh! Qui-Gon's taller!
Kikel: No, Brenner!
Obi-Wan: No, Qui-Gon.
Kikel: Brenner!
Obi-Wan: Qui-Gon.
Kikel: Brenner!
Obi-Wan: Qui-Gon!
Qui-Gon: Yes?
Obi-Wan and Kikel: ...
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan? Kikel? Are you in here?
Kikel: No.
Qui-Gon: Kikel? (opens the stall door) What are you doing in the bathroom?... Together?
Kikel: Having a discussion.
Qui-Gon: Really.
Obi-Wan: We have them all the time.
Qui-Gon: Really.
Kikel: You don't believe us, do you?
Qui-Gon: Not really.
Obi-Wan: Master, (gets out of the stall) we have a problem. Kikel is being treated differently.
Qui-Gon: And this is different how?
Kikel: I didn't mean for it and I don't like it.
Qui-Gon: Ahhh. So, what do you want me to do about it?
Obi-Wan: We want your advice, Master.
Qui-Gon: Here is my advice, Go not to the Jedi Master for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.
Kikel: Who said that?
Qui-Gon: I'm not sure. Someone who went by the name of Tolk... Ien... Tolk-something.
Obi-Wan: So, what do we do then?
Qui-Gon: Look to yourselves to figure out the answer to whatever your problem be.
Kikel: Right.
Qui-Gon: The first thing you need to do Kikel...
Kikel: Yes?
Qui-Gon: Is get out of the bathroom stall.
Kikel: Gotcha. (gets out)
Qui-Gon: Now go someplace quiet to think. One of the gardens, perhaps.
Obi-Wan: Okay. Let's go.
(They leave and go to the gardens.)
Kikel: (inhaling deeply through his nose) Ahhh... This is the greatest place in the whole Temple.
Obi-Wan: So serene...
Kikel: So relaxing...
Obi-Wan: So peaceful...
Kikel: So still...
Obi-Wan: So mobbed with pubescent girls goggling at you from a distance bearing datapads and other recording devices...
Kikel: 'So mobbed with pubescent girls goggling at you from a distance bearing datapads and other recording devices...'?
Mob of pubescent girls: Kikel?! Kikel Manhal?! We love you, Kikel!!! Give us your autograph!!! We have fan art!!!
Kikel: -whimper- What do we do?
Obi-Wan: Now, we run.
(They run. They round a corner, slamming into Master Farrel, who drops a laminated series of documents.)
Obi-Wan: Let me get that-
Farrel: Kikel! Hello, son!
Kikel: i'm not your son...
Farrel: Look at this. (snatches the documents from Obi-Wan and hands them to Kikel)
Obi-Wan: (disgruntled) You're welcome.
Kikel: (reading the documents) The- the records...
Farrel: Yes! The official documents that state you are a genius! (snatches it from Kikel and cradles them) See it, smell it, touch it, kiss it!
Obi-Wan and Kikel: ...?!
Farrel: Kikel, you are MY genius! I discovered you! You're mine and MINE ALONE! Tahahahaha!!!
Obi-Wan: What do we do?
Kikel: Now, we run.
(They run again. They go to one of the sparring rooms. They open a very heavy door very slowly, jump inside, and close the very heavy door very slowly. As they catch their breath, they look at who's in the room with them.)
Kikel: Master!
Brenner: Padawan!
Minanoka: Obi-Wan!
Obi-Wan: Minanoka!
Brenner: Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: Obi-Wan?
Kikel: Obi-Wan!
Obi-Wan: What?
Minanoka: Kikel?
Kikel: Mononoke!
Minanoka: That's Mi-na-no-ka, to you, Padawan. Are you here to spar?
Brenner: He's a GENIUS now, Master Minanoka. He can't be bothered with sparring..
Kikel: (turning as red as his hair) I'M NOT A BAD FIGHTER, MASTER! I'M STILL THE SAME PERSON AS I WAS YESTERDAY!!!
Minanoka: It sounds as though you need some counseling, Kikel.
Obi-Wan: You think?!
Kikel: Let's get out of here, Ken.
Obi-Wan: Sure, but, do we have to run?
Kikel: Yes.
Obi-Wan: (sighs) Fine.
(They run a third time. They get to the lounge rooms. They are sparsely filled.)
Kikel: (panting) At last, peace amid chaos.
(Two girls their age, I'laine and Froinka, approach them.)
I'laine: Kikel!
Kikel: What do YOU want?
I'laine: I have a question.
(Kikel twitches.)
Obi-Wan: I don't think that's a good idea, I'laine.
I'laine: Does the Force travel at lightspeed or faster?
Kikel: I DON'T KNOW!!!
Froinka: Well, it must be faster than lightspeed because when we travel in hyperspace in starships it works anyhow.
Kikel: THE FORCE HAS NO MASS, YOU STUPID KHAYBATTHA! THE LAWS OF PHYSICS DO NOT AFFECT THINGS THAT AREN'T PHYSICALLY THERE, YOU WENOKAN TRAEBAAKUN!
Obi-Wan: Kikel! Naughty words.
Kikel: GRENN TATH'A, CHE BOEZNA HARFTAK OBI-WAN!!!
Obi-Wan: Now, now, you don't have to resort to Huttese if you want to insult me.
Kikel: IT'S NOT HUTTESE! IT'S A RARE DIALECT OF UBESE, DAMMIT!!!
Obi-Wan: Ahhh, Ubese.
Kikel: DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW ANYTHING?!
Obi-Wan, I'laine, and Froinka: No, YOU'RE the genius.
Kikel: ... (sheds a tear)
Obi-Wan: Kik?
(Kikel walks away)
Obi-Wan: (to the girls) See what you've done? Now it's up to me to make things right.
(Starts to leave, but steals a glance at Froinka.)
Obi-Wan: hmmm...
(He catches up with Kikel on his way to the bathrooms.)
Obi-Wan: Kikel?
Kikel: What?
Obi-Wan: Are you all right?
Kikel: Is the second determined law of space-time continuum and time-travel theory that 'it is an impossibility of oneself to exist twicely in the same continuum'?
Obi-Wan: uhhh... Translate that, please.
Kikel: No.
Obi-Wan: Ah. Can I help?
Kikel: No.
Obi-Wan: I want to help.
Kikel: (goes into a bathroom stall) Go away.
Obi-Wan: ... You know what? No. I'm not going away. I'm gonna stay here and help you.
Kikel: (locks the door to his stall) You can't help me. No one can help me. Not my Master, not your Master, definitely not Farrel, not even Minanoka, my GUIDANCE COUNSELOR, for Force' sake; no one.
Obi-Wan: We didn't ask Yoda.
Kikel: (sarcastically) Do you think that will actually help?
Obi-Wan: It might.
Kikel: No it won't. If you think your Master talks in riddles, Yoda will be Qui-Gon squared. We would get more help if we asked a mentally retarded piece of dung that had just had a lobotomy.
Obi-Wan: Well, I'm not going to go until we decided on what to do.
(Goes into the stall next to Kikel's and locks to door.)
Obi-Wan: Right, psychologically, you naturally seek attention and now you've gotten it, but it is not the fashion you please. You have received too much attention, and you've closed yourself away in an effort to cease the unwanted awareness of your intellectual capacity. You are also experiencing the feeling of when you have been looked down upon as a nuisance and then you are suddenly identified as a superior being, giving you a complex that makes you hold extreme disbelief in yourself and your own capabilities.
Kikel: Wow. Ken, I didn't know you were so smart...
Obi-Wan: I pay attention in class. Now, what we need to do is to get you to get attention to yourself, but it must be in a way you like. It must be planned. And if we can fix this business with everyone thinking you're more than you feel, that would be great. We must... We must... We must prove you are stupid.
Kikel: How?
Obi-Wan: It must be in a way in which to get notice. I think I have an idea.
~The next day~
(The doors to the girls' locker room.)
Obi-Wan: you ready?
Kikel: i'm ready.
Obi-Wan: you psyched?
Kikel: i'm psyched.
Obi-Wan: make me proud, kikel.
Kikel: will do.
Obi-Wan: one, two... GO, GO, GO!!!
(Kikel runs through the girls' locker room in the midst of semi-clad young ladies. Shrieks erupt.)
Kikel: Watch out! Coming through. How YOU doin'? You don't need makeup, honey. Howdy, toots. Love that bra, baby!
(Kikel, after getting pummeled as he runs by girls changing their clothes, runs back out to where Obi-Wan is waiting.)
Obi-Wan and Kikel: Woohoo! (they do their secret victory handshake)
Kikel: Quick, we gotta abandon the scene of the crime!
(They proceed to abandon the scene of the crime.)
Obi-Wan: So, what, or rather, WHO did you see?
Kikel: Everyone! I'laine, Chrienta, Pelphet, Vernana, everyone!
Obi-Wan: Did you see... Froinka?
Kikel: Uh-huh.
Obi-Wan: And does she really have three?
Kikel: Oh yeah.
Obi-Wan: Wow. And you saw them?
Kikel: Yeah.
Obi-Wan: Wow...
(They stop at the dining hall. Some people stare at the two panting Padawans. One starts to approach Kikel)
Jedi: Kikel, I have an intellectual question for you...
Kikel: (grins) Ask away.
Jedi: You're okay with that?
(The sound of stampeding enraged girls intent on ripping Kikel apart starts to swell. Kikel grins wider and Obi-Wan joins him.)
Kikel: Totally.
The End
By Vicki Vance
So far in this collection, others have taken revenge on Kikel. Now he shall take revenge on everyone else!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am making no profit off of this.
Thanks to Daphne for help with the plot. Yes, you Daphne! That's you!!!
(Philosophy class at the Jedi Temple)
Kikel: (loudly) Not another assembly!
Farrel: Yes, Mr. Manhal. You will all listen to the esteemed Master Portrenon deliver his speech on the nature of the Force and how our bodies are connected to it.
Kikel: Esteemed? phft.
Farrel: His views are quite eye-opening, seeing as how he has journeyed quite close to death.
Kikel: Yeah, for like a millisecond!
Farrel: Which is longer than you, Mr. Manhal. So, his point of view is exceedingly interesting and worth listening to.
Kikel: It's worth ENDURING, you mean.
Farrel: Mr. Manhal! I would expect a young man like yourself to compose himself in a more appropriate manner. May I remind him he is not an adult, contrary to what he may think?
Kikel: ...
Farrel: Right. Now, leave your book bags here, students. We'll head over now.
Kikel: (to Obi-Wan) I HATE it when he talks in third person.
Obi-Wan: Well, maybe if you kept your big mouth shut you wouldn't get into trouble all the time.
Kikel: The Force blessed me with a big mouth and it was not meant to be shut! And besides, trouble is meant to get in to. Why else would it be there?
Obi-Wan: Trouble is meant to kept out of.
Kikel: Ken, we're Jedi. We're ALWAYS getting into trouble.
Obi-Wan: Oh. Right.
(General assembly room. Many Jedi have gathered.)
Obi-Wan: Wow! Look at all these Jedi! I wonder, with such a crowd, if Master Protrenon is as esteemed as he is made out to be.
Kikel: You're right. There ARE a lot of Jedi here.
Obi-Wan: A whole lotta... lotta... a whole lotta brown.
Kikel: Yeah. Reminds me of the sewer system.
Obi-Wan: Kikel! These are respected Jedi! Not sewer trash!
Kikel: Well, it's like one, giant, flowing mass of sh-
Obi-Wan: Shshshshsh! There's Protrenon!
Protrenon: (approaches a podium and looks overly grave and dramatic) Death... Death is, perhaps, the ultimate victory of the Force over the physical body. It is at this moment when the vessel is unable to sustain the spirit and the choice must be made whether to go on with the will of the Force, or to resist, and perhaps forgo any prospect of joining the afterlife peacefully.
Obi-Wan: ...
Kikel: hmph.
Protrenon: Midi-chlorians, are important as communicators of the Force but I have recently come to believe they are not necessary-
Kikel: How?
Protrenon: We communicate with the Force through our spirits, young man. After all, a spirit has no physical body and therefore cannot have midi-chlorians, yet they continue to exist in the purest connection to the Force-
Kikel: Wait, wait, wait. Is anybody else seeing what's wrong here?
Anybody else: ...?
Protrenon: Excuse me, but just who are you, young man?
Kikel: I'm Kikel J. Manhal. And I believe-
Protrenon: Ohhh, Kikel Manhal. I've heard of you and you're cynical views.
Kikel: They're not cynical, there's sensible. I make logical statements, which you do not!
Obi-Wan: are you crazy?!
Protrenon: Are you aware that I am a well-respected Jedi Master with the intellectual capacity of a genius by Republic standards?
Kikel: Yeah. But, there is a difference between intelligence and wisdom, and you're lacking in the latter.
Protrenon: (clearly upset) And just WHAT gives you that idea, oh great Manhal sir?
Kikel: Well, life cannot exist without the Force, right?
Protrenon: Agreed.
Kikel: Just as life cannot exist with no connection to the Force, right?
Protrenon: Agreed.
Kikel: And you claim midi-chlorians are useless because we can already communicate with the Force through our spirits, right?
Protrenon: Yes. What is your claim, Mr. Manhal?
Kikel: Well, what about the midi-chlorians themselves? Could you not say that they have their own spirit, seeing as how you continually say that our physical bodies are a hindrance to the Force and the midi-chlorians help to overcome that hindrance?
Protrenon: Well...
Kikel: And they bond with each other to make up our own individual spirits, so we are not one entity but really the commune of several thousand entities? After all, midi-chlorians don't die. The same midi-chlorians are with us from birth to death. This has been proved with scientific fact.
Protrenon: er...
Kikel: So, you see, this is why a being with little Force-ability do not appear as strong through the Force as those with great Force ability do. They shine dimmer than Jedi. This is because there is simply a larger quantity of midi-chlorians in Jedi than others. This is also why we are bound together in the Force, for we are all made of the same minuscule parts of one giant spirit. Because, after all, the Force has some degree of sentiency, correct? I mean, it IS a higher being of some kind.
Protrenon: ...
Farrel: Holy Force! Kikel, YOU'RE A GENIUS!
~the next day~
(The boys bathroom. Obi-Wan is washing his hands, whistling 'Buffalo Gals, Won't You Come Out Tonight'.)
(Whistling of the same tune answers him from one of the stalls.)
(He whistles back.)
Kikel: Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: Kikel?
Kikel: Are you alone?
(Obi-Wan turns around a complete circle)
Obi-Wan: Yeah...
Kikel: Come in here.
Obi-Wan: uhhh...
Kikel: Just get in here. Now.
(Obi-Wan cautiously enter the stall. Kikel closes the door behind him.)
Obi-Wan: You look sick.
Kikel: I am. You know what happened yesterday?
Obi-Wan: You mean after you outsmarted the most respected philosophical Jedi in the galaxy and got carted away by a Master Farrel going out of his mind with joy, calling you his 'angelic prodigy sent solely to him by the Force itself'?
Kikel: Yeah.
Obi-Wan: No, what happened?
Kikel: He had me take a test.
Obi-Wan: What test.
Kikel: The Republic Standard Intelligence for Sentients Test.
Obi-Wan: The ReSIST? Oh my force field! Are you okay?
Kikel: No...
Obi-Wan: That test is killer-
Kikel: I aced it.
Obi-Wan: You what?
Kikel: I aced it. I am now officially a genius. And here's the kicker: my score is even higher than that of Protrenon's.
Obi-Wan: Holy Force and all its midi-chlorians!
Kikel: That's just what I thought.
Obi-Wan: This is insane! I always knew you were smart, but a GENIUS?
Kikel: I know. Now Farrel is molding me into the philosopher he never was. News has spread like wildfire through the Temple. Everyone's asking me intellectual questions and I don't want to answer them!
Obi-Wan: Like what?
Kikel: Oh, you know, the general stuff. If the Force is sentient, why doesn't it care for us? Why is there a Dark Side? Which came first, the mynock or the egg?
Obi-Wan: Well, the mynock, of course.
Kikel: No, the egg. A creature that was the pre-evolutionary definition of the mynock laid the egg and a modernly evolved mynock was hatched.
Obi-Wan: You do know everything!
Kikel: No I don't! I'm all... weird now.
Obi-Wan: You were weird before...
Kikel: But I feel different! I could hardly sleep last night, I haven't eaten anything, I'm constantly hounded by questions, and I'm talking to you in a bathroom stall!
Obi-Wan: You need help.
Kikel: No shit, Sherlock!
Obi-Wan: Well, what are we gonna do?
Kikel: I've already talked to my Master. I don't think he likes me anymore. He acts like I'm more an intellectual than fighter and I'm not! I'm just as good a fighter today as I was yesterday.
Obi-Wan: Why don't we talk to Yoda?
Kikel: No! He'll want to have a conversation about the meaning of existence with me.
Obi-Wan: Well, how about my Master? He'll understand.
Kikel: Well, okay, I guess. Your Master is sort of a softy, come to think of it. He's good with all the emotional junk.
Obi-Wan: What?! My Master can whup your Master any day!
Kikel: Nuh-uh! My Master once fought six gundarks... at once!
Obi-Wan: Oh yeah? Well, my Master battled sixTEEN Gammorreans at once!
Kikel: Oh yeah? Well, my Master's taller.
Obi-Wan: Nuh-uh! Qui-Gon's taller!
Kikel: No, Brenner!
Obi-Wan: No, Qui-Gon.
Kikel: Brenner!
Obi-Wan: Qui-Gon.
Kikel: Brenner!
Obi-Wan: Qui-Gon!
Qui-Gon: Yes?
Obi-Wan and Kikel: ...
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan? Kikel? Are you in here?
Kikel: No.
Qui-Gon: Kikel? (opens the stall door) What are you doing in the bathroom?... Together?
Kikel: Having a discussion.
Qui-Gon: Really.
Obi-Wan: We have them all the time.
Qui-Gon: Really.
Kikel: You don't believe us, do you?
Qui-Gon: Not really.
Obi-Wan: Master, (gets out of the stall) we have a problem. Kikel is being treated differently.
Qui-Gon: And this is different how?
Kikel: I didn't mean for it and I don't like it.
Qui-Gon: Ahhh. So, what do you want me to do about it?
Obi-Wan: We want your advice, Master.
Qui-Gon: Here is my advice, Go not to the Jedi Master for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.
Kikel: Who said that?
Qui-Gon: I'm not sure. Someone who went by the name of Tolk... Ien... Tolk-something.
Obi-Wan: So, what do we do then?
Qui-Gon: Look to yourselves to figure out the answer to whatever your problem be.
Kikel: Right.
Qui-Gon: The first thing you need to do Kikel...
Kikel: Yes?
Qui-Gon: Is get out of the bathroom stall.
Kikel: Gotcha. (gets out)
Qui-Gon: Now go someplace quiet to think. One of the gardens, perhaps.
Obi-Wan: Okay. Let's go.
(They leave and go to the gardens.)
Kikel: (inhaling deeply through his nose) Ahhh... This is the greatest place in the whole Temple.
Obi-Wan: So serene...
Kikel: So relaxing...
Obi-Wan: So peaceful...
Kikel: So still...
Obi-Wan: So mobbed with pubescent girls goggling at you from a distance bearing datapads and other recording devices...
Kikel: 'So mobbed with pubescent girls goggling at you from a distance bearing datapads and other recording devices...'?
Mob of pubescent girls: Kikel?! Kikel Manhal?! We love you, Kikel!!! Give us your autograph!!! We have fan art!!!
Kikel: -whimper- What do we do?
Obi-Wan: Now, we run.
(They run. They round a corner, slamming into Master Farrel, who drops a laminated series of documents.)
Obi-Wan: Let me get that-
Farrel: Kikel! Hello, son!
Kikel: i'm not your son...
Farrel: Look at this. (snatches the documents from Obi-Wan and hands them to Kikel)
Obi-Wan: (disgruntled) You're welcome.
Kikel: (reading the documents) The- the records...
Farrel: Yes! The official documents that state you are a genius! (snatches it from Kikel and cradles them) See it, smell it, touch it, kiss it!
Obi-Wan and Kikel: ...?!
Farrel: Kikel, you are MY genius! I discovered you! You're mine and MINE ALONE! Tahahahaha!!!
Obi-Wan: What do we do?
Kikel: Now, we run.
(They run again. They go to one of the sparring rooms. They open a very heavy door very slowly, jump inside, and close the very heavy door very slowly. As they catch their breath, they look at who's in the room with them.)
Kikel: Master!
Brenner: Padawan!
Minanoka: Obi-Wan!
Obi-Wan: Minanoka!
Brenner: Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: Obi-Wan?
Kikel: Obi-Wan!
Obi-Wan: What?
Minanoka: Kikel?
Kikel: Mononoke!
Minanoka: That's Mi-na-no-ka, to you, Padawan. Are you here to spar?
Brenner: He's a GENIUS now, Master Minanoka. He can't be bothered with sparring..
Kikel: (turning as red as his hair) I'M NOT A BAD FIGHTER, MASTER! I'M STILL THE SAME PERSON AS I WAS YESTERDAY!!!
Minanoka: It sounds as though you need some counseling, Kikel.
Obi-Wan: You think?!
Kikel: Let's get out of here, Ken.
Obi-Wan: Sure, but, do we have to run?
Kikel: Yes.
Obi-Wan: (sighs) Fine.
(They run a third time. They get to the lounge rooms. They are sparsely filled.)
Kikel: (panting) At last, peace amid chaos.
(Two girls their age, I'laine and Froinka, approach them.)
I'laine: Kikel!
Kikel: What do YOU want?
I'laine: I have a question.
(Kikel twitches.)
Obi-Wan: I don't think that's a good idea, I'laine.
I'laine: Does the Force travel at lightspeed or faster?
Kikel: I DON'T KNOW!!!
Froinka: Well, it must be faster than lightspeed because when we travel in hyperspace in starships it works anyhow.
Kikel: THE FORCE HAS NO MASS, YOU STUPID KHAYBATTHA! THE LAWS OF PHYSICS DO NOT AFFECT THINGS THAT AREN'T PHYSICALLY THERE, YOU WENOKAN TRAEBAAKUN!
Obi-Wan: Kikel! Naughty words.
Kikel: GRENN TATH'A, CHE BOEZNA HARFTAK OBI-WAN!!!
Obi-Wan: Now, now, you don't have to resort to Huttese if you want to insult me.
Kikel: IT'S NOT HUTTESE! IT'S A RARE DIALECT OF UBESE, DAMMIT!!!
Obi-Wan: Ahhh, Ubese.
Kikel: DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW ANYTHING?!
Obi-Wan, I'laine, and Froinka: No, YOU'RE the genius.
Kikel: ... (sheds a tear)
Obi-Wan: Kik?
(Kikel walks away)
Obi-Wan: (to the girls) See what you've done? Now it's up to me to make things right.
(Starts to leave, but steals a glance at Froinka.)
Obi-Wan: hmmm...
(He catches up with Kikel on his way to the bathrooms.)
Obi-Wan: Kikel?
Kikel: What?
Obi-Wan: Are you all right?
Kikel: Is the second determined law of space-time continuum and time-travel theory that 'it is an impossibility of oneself to exist twicely in the same continuum'?
Obi-Wan: uhhh... Translate that, please.
Kikel: No.
Obi-Wan: Ah. Can I help?
Kikel: No.
Obi-Wan: I want to help.
Kikel: (goes into a bathroom stall) Go away.
Obi-Wan: ... You know what? No. I'm not going away. I'm gonna stay here and help you.
Kikel: (locks the door to his stall) You can't help me. No one can help me. Not my Master, not your Master, definitely not Farrel, not even Minanoka, my GUIDANCE COUNSELOR, for Force' sake; no one.
Obi-Wan: We didn't ask Yoda.
Kikel: (sarcastically) Do you think that will actually help?
Obi-Wan: It might.
Kikel: No it won't. If you think your Master talks in riddles, Yoda will be Qui-Gon squared. We would get more help if we asked a mentally retarded piece of dung that had just had a lobotomy.
Obi-Wan: Well, I'm not going to go until we decided on what to do.
(Goes into the stall next to Kikel's and locks to door.)
Obi-Wan: Right, psychologically, you naturally seek attention and now you've gotten it, but it is not the fashion you please. You have received too much attention, and you've closed yourself away in an effort to cease the unwanted awareness of your intellectual capacity. You are also experiencing the feeling of when you have been looked down upon as a nuisance and then you are suddenly identified as a superior being, giving you a complex that makes you hold extreme disbelief in yourself and your own capabilities.
Kikel: Wow. Ken, I didn't know you were so smart...
Obi-Wan: I pay attention in class. Now, what we need to do is to get you to get attention to yourself, but it must be in a way you like. It must be planned. And if we can fix this business with everyone thinking you're more than you feel, that would be great. We must... We must... We must prove you are stupid.
Kikel: How?
Obi-Wan: It must be in a way in which to get notice. I think I have an idea.
~The next day~
(The doors to the girls' locker room.)
Obi-Wan: you ready?
Kikel: i'm ready.
Obi-Wan: you psyched?
Kikel: i'm psyched.
Obi-Wan: make me proud, kikel.
Kikel: will do.
Obi-Wan: one, two... GO, GO, GO!!!
(Kikel runs through the girls' locker room in the midst of semi-clad young ladies. Shrieks erupt.)
Kikel: Watch out! Coming through. How YOU doin'? You don't need makeup, honey. Howdy, toots. Love that bra, baby!
(Kikel, after getting pummeled as he runs by girls changing their clothes, runs back out to where Obi-Wan is waiting.)
Obi-Wan and Kikel: Woohoo! (they do their secret victory handshake)
Kikel: Quick, we gotta abandon the scene of the crime!
(They proceed to abandon the scene of the crime.)
Obi-Wan: So, what, or rather, WHO did you see?
Kikel: Everyone! I'laine, Chrienta, Pelphet, Vernana, everyone!
Obi-Wan: Did you see... Froinka?
Kikel: Uh-huh.
Obi-Wan: And does she really have three?
Kikel: Oh yeah.
Obi-Wan: Wow. And you saw them?
Kikel: Yeah.
Obi-Wan: Wow...
(They stop at the dining hall. Some people stare at the two panting Padawans. One starts to approach Kikel)
Jedi: Kikel, I have an intellectual question for you...
Kikel: (grins) Ask away.
Jedi: You're okay with that?
(The sound of stampeding enraged girls intent on ripping Kikel apart starts to swell. Kikel grins wider and Obi-Wan joins him.)
Kikel: Totally.
The End