TWO
Scene: Willow and Buffy enter Willow's apartment.
Willow: … so how are things with you and Xander?
Buffy: (shrugs) I don't know. He keeps telling me how he's going to 'show
me' and then he never does. It's been almost a week now.
Willow: Gosh, he must be really mad at you.
Buffy: Which, do I have to remind you, is still all your fault. How come you
got off scott free?
Willow: I guess he just likes me more.
Buffy: This is insane. I've never seen him this riled about something so
petty.
Willow: Maybe you should sleep with him.
Buffy: Excuse me?
Willow: Well, it is a common fact that one can quell a man's ferocious anger
through intimate and physical displays of affection.
Buffy: Where did you hear that from?
Willow: (sheepishly) Dr. Mann. From the radio.
Buffy: Dr. Mann doesn't know crap. She's probably the world's oldest virgin.
Willow: That's not a nice thing to say.
Buffy: Does she sound like an attractive woman to you?
Willow: Actually she doesn't really sound like a woman at all. (thinks)
Which is somewhat disturbing, considering her name.
Xander: (coming in suddenly) HAH! I thought I'd find you here.
Willow: I live here.
Xander: I wasn't talking to you. (to Buffy) I'll show you!
Buffy: (bored) Please.
Xander: You said you didn't believe in me.
Buffy: I never said that! Where are you getting all these ideas? Did Mr.
Alderman let you smoke his pot again?
Xander: No. But at least he believes in me.
Buffy: He believes in fairies.
Xander: Well… well… (can't think of a good answer) Forget about him. I want
the both of you to come with me.
Buffy: Come with you where?
Xander: You'll see.
Willow: Oh! A surprise! I love surprises!
Buffy: Not if it's a murder-y surprise.
Xander: Don't be ridiculous. I couldn't get a gun permit in time.
Buffy: That's nice to hear.
Xander: … that is if I wanted to. Come on, come on. (tugs Willow)
Willow: Don't tug me. Tug Buffy.
Xander: (tugs Buffy with his other hand) Come on, come on.
Buffy: Where re we going?
Scene : Buffy, Willow and Xander are standing in an empty shoplot.
Xander: Do you like it, huh? Huh?
Buffy: How… nice. And empty.
Willow: It's very spacious.
Xander: Yeah, I know. But it won't be soon.
Buffy: Because?
Xander: I'm turning this place into a restaurant.
Buffy/Willow: Huh?
Xander: You're looking at Alexander Harris, Entrepreneur Extraordinaire!
Willow: I am at a loss for words.
Buffy: I'm not. (to Xander) Where did you get the money to do this?
Xander: Well, a little begging here, a little begging there, a few loans,
and some generosity from one ex-librarian-cum-watcher. It's really isn't
such a big deal.
Buffy: Well, do you have the slightest bit of a clue how to run a
restaurant?
Xander: Not really.
Buffy: And you thought what, this would be a piece of cake?
Xander: No…
Buffy: What food are you going to serve? Who's the cook? Where are the
waiters? Do you know how to balance the accounts? What about stock? And
inventory? Do you know how to do that?
Xander: Is this part of your whole 'I Don't Believe in You' Extravaganza?
Buffy: There is NO Extravaganza! What is wrong with you?
Willow: (stepping beside Xander) Well, I think what you're doing is very
brave.
Buffy: Suck-up. (to Xander) You know, you didn't have to do this because of
what I … (looks at Willow) … we said. You didn't have to prove anything.
Xander: Gee, someone's drunk on the Alcohol of Me. Not everything revolves
around what you say.
Buffy: … (silence) … What about all that stuff about 'showing me'?
Xander: Okay, maybe I was a *little* bit affected by what you said. But
still, I'm doing this for me.
Buffy: (looks down) Oh. (pauses) I'm sorry… I didn't mean to come down so
hard on you just now.
Xander: That's all right…
Willow: Oh! OH! You could make it a pub.
Xander: A pub? (eyes lighting up) With beer?
Willow: Yeah, and you could have strippers!
Xander: Oh! Strippers! That'll draw in the crowd. (Buffy looks on in
disbelief) But you know what's a real crowd puller? Lesbian love scenes. (to
Willow excited) Are you and Tara free on weekends?
Willow: Hey!
Buffy: Will you listen to yourselves?
Xander: Buffy, how good are you with a whip?
Buffy: (stares at him) I am *not* stripping. And besides, you're the one
with all the experience.
Xander: I told you never to bring that up.
Buffy: You're the one who's asking all your friends to strip. What kind of
person does that?
Xander: I wasn't *asking* you to strip, I was simply asking how good you
were with a whip…
Willow: Okay, I think this conversation has the word 'strip' too much.
Buffy: (ignoring Willow) And I thought you wanted this place to be a
restaurant?
Xander: I did! It was Willow who wanted to make it into a strip-joint.
Willow: PUB! PUB!
Buffy: Somehow I get this feeling you're not taking this seriously.
Xander: Well I am.
Buffy: Doesn't look like it.
Xander: What are you, the AntiXander?
Buffy: WHAT?
Xander: You know what, now that I think about it, you ARE.
Willow: Oh dear. (sits down on the floor)
Buffy: What are you trying to say?
Xander: Sure. You always have a problem with whatever I do, don't you. I get
what you're getting at. You're the Slayer. You're perfect. And the rest of
us are not.
Buffy: Where are you getting all of this from?
Xander: I've been getting it for a long time now. I just didn't realize it
up till know.
Willow: Xander, maybe you should…
Xander: Well, I'm tired of being used and pushed around.
Buffy: I don't do that.
Xander: Yeah, okay. (starts to leave) You know what - I was going to name a
dessert after you, but now you're going to be the Roast Pig. (walks off)
Buffy: (stares off after him) I'm beginning to see a pattern in the way our
conversations end.
Scene: Willow and Buffy enter Willow's apartment.
Willow: … so how are things with you and Xander?
Buffy: (shrugs) I don't know. He keeps telling me how he's going to 'show
me' and then he never does. It's been almost a week now.
Willow: Gosh, he must be really mad at you.
Buffy: Which, do I have to remind you, is still all your fault. How come you
got off scott free?
Willow: I guess he just likes me more.
Buffy: This is insane. I've never seen him this riled about something so
petty.
Willow: Maybe you should sleep with him.
Buffy: Excuse me?
Willow: Well, it is a common fact that one can quell a man's ferocious anger
through intimate and physical displays of affection.
Buffy: Where did you hear that from?
Willow: (sheepishly) Dr. Mann. From the radio.
Buffy: Dr. Mann doesn't know crap. She's probably the world's oldest virgin.
Willow: That's not a nice thing to say.
Buffy: Does she sound like an attractive woman to you?
Willow: Actually she doesn't really sound like a woman at all. (thinks)
Which is somewhat disturbing, considering her name.
Xander: (coming in suddenly) HAH! I thought I'd find you here.
Willow: I live here.
Xander: I wasn't talking to you. (to Buffy) I'll show you!
Buffy: (bored) Please.
Xander: You said you didn't believe in me.
Buffy: I never said that! Where are you getting all these ideas? Did Mr.
Alderman let you smoke his pot again?
Xander: No. But at least he believes in me.
Buffy: He believes in fairies.
Xander: Well… well… (can't think of a good answer) Forget about him. I want
the both of you to come with me.
Buffy: Come with you where?
Xander: You'll see.
Willow: Oh! A surprise! I love surprises!
Buffy: Not if it's a murder-y surprise.
Xander: Don't be ridiculous. I couldn't get a gun permit in time.
Buffy: That's nice to hear.
Xander: … that is if I wanted to. Come on, come on. (tugs Willow)
Willow: Don't tug me. Tug Buffy.
Xander: (tugs Buffy with his other hand) Come on, come on.
Buffy: Where re we going?
Scene : Buffy, Willow and Xander are standing in an empty shoplot.
Xander: Do you like it, huh? Huh?
Buffy: How… nice. And empty.
Willow: It's very spacious.
Xander: Yeah, I know. But it won't be soon.
Buffy: Because?
Xander: I'm turning this place into a restaurant.
Buffy/Willow: Huh?
Xander: You're looking at Alexander Harris, Entrepreneur Extraordinaire!
Willow: I am at a loss for words.
Buffy: I'm not. (to Xander) Where did you get the money to do this?
Xander: Well, a little begging here, a little begging there, a few loans,
and some generosity from one ex-librarian-cum-watcher. It's really isn't
such a big deal.
Buffy: Well, do you have the slightest bit of a clue how to run a
restaurant?
Xander: Not really.
Buffy: And you thought what, this would be a piece of cake?
Xander: No…
Buffy: What food are you going to serve? Who's the cook? Where are the
waiters? Do you know how to balance the accounts? What about stock? And
inventory? Do you know how to do that?
Xander: Is this part of your whole 'I Don't Believe in You' Extravaganza?
Buffy: There is NO Extravaganza! What is wrong with you?
Willow: (stepping beside Xander) Well, I think what you're doing is very
brave.
Buffy: Suck-up. (to Xander) You know, you didn't have to do this because of
what I … (looks at Willow) … we said. You didn't have to prove anything.
Xander: Gee, someone's drunk on the Alcohol of Me. Not everything revolves
around what you say.
Buffy: … (silence) … What about all that stuff about 'showing me'?
Xander: Okay, maybe I was a *little* bit affected by what you said. But
still, I'm doing this for me.
Buffy: (looks down) Oh. (pauses) I'm sorry… I didn't mean to come down so
hard on you just now.
Xander: That's all right…
Willow: Oh! OH! You could make it a pub.
Xander: A pub? (eyes lighting up) With beer?
Willow: Yeah, and you could have strippers!
Xander: Oh! Strippers! That'll draw in the crowd. (Buffy looks on in
disbelief) But you know what's a real crowd puller? Lesbian love scenes. (to
Willow excited) Are you and Tara free on weekends?
Willow: Hey!
Buffy: Will you listen to yourselves?
Xander: Buffy, how good are you with a whip?
Buffy: (stares at him) I am *not* stripping. And besides, you're the one
with all the experience.
Xander: I told you never to bring that up.
Buffy: You're the one who's asking all your friends to strip. What kind of
person does that?
Xander: I wasn't *asking* you to strip, I was simply asking how good you
were with a whip…
Willow: Okay, I think this conversation has the word 'strip' too much.
Buffy: (ignoring Willow) And I thought you wanted this place to be a
restaurant?
Xander: I did! It was Willow who wanted to make it into a strip-joint.
Willow: PUB! PUB!
Buffy: Somehow I get this feeling you're not taking this seriously.
Xander: Well I am.
Buffy: Doesn't look like it.
Xander: What are you, the AntiXander?
Buffy: WHAT?
Xander: You know what, now that I think about it, you ARE.
Willow: Oh dear. (sits down on the floor)
Buffy: What are you trying to say?
Xander: Sure. You always have a problem with whatever I do, don't you. I get
what you're getting at. You're the Slayer. You're perfect. And the rest of
us are not.
Buffy: Where are you getting all of this from?
Xander: I've been getting it for a long time now. I just didn't realize it
up till know.
Willow: Xander, maybe you should…
Xander: Well, I'm tired of being used and pushed around.
Buffy: I don't do that.
Xander: Yeah, okay. (starts to leave) You know what - I was going to name a
dessert after you, but now you're going to be the Roast Pig. (walks off)
Buffy: (stares off after him) I'm beginning to see a pattern in the way our
conversations end.