'Darkness.  It envelops every thought I have.  There is no hope left in me to cry out.  It has died.  I have died.  There is no point to this existence anymore.  He said it would take a long time, it would take years, maybe even longer... he didn't lie.  He is the only one who didn't.  Why is that?  Have I never been loved before?  No, Danny loved me, but Danny died.  I didn't quite die with him, but I wanted to.  But Vaughn brought me out of it.  

    He is the one who gave me the hope of one day defeating SD-6, of avenging Danny's murder.  Is that why I am still in this?  This experience has taught me patience, but I have run out of that. I have been running for so long, for so many years, I need to stop.  But if I stop, I die.  Funny, I never agreed to give up my life for SD-6, but that's what a double-agent does, unwittingly.  That's why Vaughn warned me against telling Dixon the truth - that's not a decision that I can make for him, his family.  It is a life altering choice that I chose without understanding what the hell I was getting myself into.

     I constantly lie to my friends, my father and I usually have exactly 60 seconds to speak candidly to each other, my sex life is non-existent, and any significant other that I would have liked to have in my life, well for the sake of their life, I choose not to pursue that road right now.  Besides, the only man that I would like to have in my bed every morning is totally out of the question.  At least for now.

     Now, all I can have is short snippets of moments in that dark warehouse, or that chance to work with him on the rare occasions that he accompanies me on a mission.  I really wish he and I could work together more often, if he were a double agent too, I could see a lot more of him.  

    Screw protocol, if he were a double, I would go to that hockey game with him and sit bedside him and enjoy it damnit.  I would go to the movies with him, dinner, whatever.  I have come to realize that there is a reason that every time I go to the warehouse, no matter what kind of day I have had, no matter where I just got back from, no matter where I am about to go, he makes me feel better; whole.  Even if we get into a fight, its comforting knowing that I can call him at two in the morning and talk to him 'off the record'.  I can still see his lips forming those words, hear his gentle voice silently reminding me that he has broken and will break protocol for me.

     I know he loves me.  I know that it rips him apart when I go on a mission and he has to wait for confirmation that I have returned safely.  I know that he hates to schedule public meeting where I can't look into his deep, emerald eyes and he can't look at me when he thinks I don't notice.  My heart tells me to run into his arms every time I see him, but my head says it would be the last time.  I stopped listening to my heart after it told me it would be fun to become a spy.  I gave it another chance when I told Danny the truth, it failed me again.  Noah, well, he proved that the third time is a charm; when will I stop listening to my heart?'  

    Sydney stepped out of the now lukewarm bath water and slipped her terry robe on.  She had a meeting with Vaughn in 30 minutes.

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