Heihachi's Wrath
Author's notes: All characters in this story belong to Namco. I'm sure alot of you have been patiently waiting for me to update King of Iron Fart. By now you're probably wanting to tie me up and use your imaginary author powers against me. Well, believe it or not I actually have a good excuse. When I 1st started King of Iron Fart, I was also busy with another story in another section and I wanted to get it done. Then I didn't have access to a computer for 2 months. My current excuse: I just haven't been in a Tekken-mood. So until I get my hands on Tekken 4, I probably won't update King of Iron Fart. Till then, I'll be crapping out little fics like this to keep my readers happy. By the way, for those unfamiliar with my style of humor, keep in mind that I wouldn't make fun of these characters if I didn't think they were cool. Enjoy.
Our story begins with Heihachi Mishima standing at a large podium with Ogre at his side. A huge group of people are gathered in front of him.
Heihachi: Welcome everyone. I have a very important announcement to make. Due to the fact that I am currently in possesion of the most powerful being in the world, I have been granted the honorable position of president of the universe. *waits for applause*
Audience: *is completely silent except for some guy who keeps farting*
Heihachi: Thank you, you're too kind. Now on to business. My first official act as president of the universe will be to have everyone taller than I am brutally murdered in a horrible, fiery death.
Paul Phoenix: *is seen being dragged toward a volcano by a couple of Tekken Force members* No! It's not me! It's the hair! I can get a haircut! *is thrown into the volcano* I CAN GET A HAIRCUUUUUUUUUUUUT!
Heihachi: Hey. Eyes up here. Good. My next act will be to have the statue of liberty dumped into the sea and replaced by a giant, gold statue of me.
Meanwhile, at the statue of liberty
Tekken force: *pushing the statue of liberty* Heave, ho, heave, ho! *pushes it into the sea* Woohoo!
Helicopter: *lowers Heihachi statue on top of them*
Tekken force: *CRUSH!* Aw, my face!
Back with Heihachi
Heihachi: Now, of course there's going to be a few changes that will take a little adjusting to. Namely our current project to make the world look more post-apocalyptic. But I'm convinced that we wil alll be able to adapt and everyone will be happy in the end. Or at least I will be anyway. Before I leave you tonight, I want to make one more thing clear. *steps out from behind the podium, revealing that he's been wearing nothing but his thong the whole time* ALL WHO OPPOSE ME SHALL RECEIVE A STINK FACE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Audience: *is completely silent*
Random person from audience: You suck!
Heihachi: *whispers to one of the Tekken force members* Have that man assasinated.
Tekken force member: *salutes* Yes sir!
Heihachi: That concludes this conference. Come on, Anna.
Anna: *stands up from behind the podium* Coming sir!
With Heihachi as its new ruler, it wasn't long till the whole world went all to hell. Corrupt members of the Tekken Force could be found everywhere, constantly mugging people for no apparent reason. People were forced to go into factories to build Heihachi statues, and other crap with Heihachi's ugly face on it. The people eventually turned violent, and began rioting and looting. And of course, daily ass kickings.
Tekken force: *knock on Hwoarang's apartment door* Come out, Hwoarang! It's time for your daily ass kicking!
Hwoarang: Um, I'm not home right now.
Tekken force: *kick the door down and storm into the apartment*
Hwoarang: Not in the face!
Tekken force: *pistol whip him to the floor and start beating the shit out of him*
Heihachi: *in his mansion, playing Pac-man* That's it. Come closer, foolish ghosts. Little do you know that you're playing right into my hands. *eats one of the big pellets and starts chasing the ghosts* Mwahahahaha! Now you shall feel my wrath!
Dr. Abel: *walks into the room* Sir, the golden toilet you ordered has come in.
Heihachi: Show me to this toilet immediately!
Dr. Abel: *takes him to the golden toilet* It also comes equipped with a built-in seat warmer.
Heihachi: This is the happiest day of my life. Now if you don't mind, I have some important business to attend to.
12 hours later
Heihachi: *steps out of the bathroom, followed by a green fog* Aw! My business is done!
Abel: Mr. Mishima! Someone is trying to break into the mansion!
Heihachi: What?! How'd he get past my security?
Abel: The security guard was asleep.
Heihachi: Have him killed immediately!
Abel: Uh, the man breaking in, or the security guard?
Heihachi: The security guard!
Abel: What about the other guy?
Heihachi: I wish to confront this man in a dramatic pre-fight dialogue. Then I will fight him to the death. Now leave!
Abel: *leaves the room*
Then, the door crashed down and a shadowy figure stepped forward.
Heihachi: Who are you?! Show yourself immediately!
Shadowy figure: *steps forward, revealing himself to be none other than...*
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Heihachi: Kazuya!
Kazuya: That's right, old man. You thought I was dead didn't you? Well now I've come back to HOLY SHIT WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING!!!
Heihachi: What? These are my royal garments.
Kazuya: It's a thong!
Heihachi: No, they're my royal garments.
Kazuya: Eh... whatever! The point is, I'm here to have my revenge for everything you've done to me.
Heihachi: Like what? I've never done anything to you.
Kazuya: You threw off of a cliff.
Heihachi: Oh, yeah that. Well, that wasn't so bad.
Kazuya: Wasn't so bad! I was scarred physically and emotionally! You don't know what it's like to live through such a horrifying experience!
Heihachi: One time I farted so loud, that it ripped a hole in the time-space continuum, and I was trapped in a parallel universe for 20 years.
Kazuya: O_O......................... Oh. Well, I'm still going to kill you.
Heihachi: So, it's come to this. I've always known this day would come.
Kazuya: You knew that I was going to be resurrected by a bio-technology company and come back to kill you after you'd taken over the world?
Heihachi: Um, yeah. Anyway, I feel that's enough dramatic pre-fight dialogue. What do you think?
Kazuya: Yeah, that feels about right. But wouldn't you like to change clothes before we fight?
Heihachi: No.
Kazuya: C'mon, just a pair of pants. What about that black gi you used to wear with the tiger on it?
Heihachi: I'm wearing this, and that's final!
Kazuya: Dammit.
And so, the two warriors prepare themselves for the fight of their lives.
Kazuya: *dashes toward Heihachi* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Heihachi: *dashed toward Kazuya* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Kazuya: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Heihachi: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Kazuya: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Heihachi: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Kazuya and Heihachi: *both bang heads and fall flat on their asses*
Heihachi: Ow, dammit!
Kazuya: Son of a bitch!
Heihachi: *gets up and puts Kazuya in that electric headlock he does*
Kazuya: *zap* Hey! *zap* Ow! *zap* Cut that out! *starts punching him in the kidneys*
Heihachi: *finally lets go of the hold*
Kazuya: LIGHTNING SCREW UPPERCUT!
Heihachi: Wait, what did you just say?
Kazuya: Lightning screw uppercut.
Heihachi: Lightning screw?
Kazuya: Dammit Jes, you've already used this joke before!
Jes: Sorry, couldn't help myself.
Kazuya: Stop making fun of my move. It's a good move.
Heihachi: Lightning screw?
Kazuya: Can we just get back to fighting?
Heihachi: Oh, right. DEMON BREATH!
Kazuya: Ha! Demon Breath, Demon Breath! Hahaha!
Heihachi: Oh shut up, it's not as funny.
Kazuya: Seriously though, it really does smell like something crawled down your throat and died.
Heihachi: What?! You'll pay for that remark!
The battle continued for well over an hour. But toward the end, it was Heihachi who had the advantage.
Heihachi: *standing over Kazuya's fallen body* Ha! You're still too weak to defeat me boy! Now I'm going to finish you off with my newest and most powerful technique! THE STINK FACE!
Kazuya: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Heihachi: *starts to sit down on his face*
Kazuya: *quickly punches him in the nuts*
Heihachi: Ow! You little punk!
Kazuya: *stands up and throws Heihachi's head through one of the walls*
Heihachi: Hey, I'm stuck!
Kazuya: Now I'm gonna break my foot off in your ass old man. *starts kicking him in the ass*
Heihachi: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Please stop!
Kazuya: This is for throwing me off a cliff! *kicks him in the ass* This is for killing me! *kicks him in the ass* This is for taking over the world before I did! *kicks him in the ass* This is for not getting me anything for my birthday! *kicks him in the ass* This is for destroying my baseball cards! *kicks him in the ass*
Heihachi: Ow! I couldn't be in more pain! That's it! I didn't want to resort to this, but you leave me no other choice! *farts, causing a green fog to spray in Kazuya's face*
Kazuya: Aw, that smell! I've never smelt anything like it! It must be some new technique! I can't stop now! I have to finish the job! But it's making my eyes water! *drops down to his knees and coughs* I think I'm going to pass out! You may have won this time Heihachi, but I'll be back! *runs out of the house, trying to regain his breath*
Heihachi: *pulls his head out of the wall* Oh man, that was a wet one. I think I'm going to have to change.
Abel: *comes out from wherever the hell he was hiding* What are we going to do now, sir? We know he's going to come back.
Heihachi: Hm. I know! I'll organize another King of Iron Fist tournament!
????: That's your solution to everything.
Heihachi: Huh? Who said that?
Lee: *steps out of nowhere* I did father.
Heihachi: Lee! How did you get in here?
Lee: That's not important right now. What is important is Kazuya. It seems he is back to his old tricks, doesn't it father?
Heihachi: Yes, but that doesn't explain what you're doing here.
Lee: Simple. I can offer you the chance to get rid of Kazuya once and for all. In return you will allow me to rule at your side.
Heihachi: I don't know. There's still something don't trust about you. I thought you were supposed to be dead.
Lee: Actually, I've just been at my home in the Bahamas.
Heihachi: Doing what?
Lee: Oh, just getting to know myself.
Heihachi: What do you mean?
Lee: Ya know, doing some rapid one pull-ups.
Heihachi: I don't understand.
Lee: I was grappling the gorilla, choking the snake, shaving the camel, pounding the bald-headed moose.
Heihachi: Uh.....
Lee: Punching the clown, arm-wrestling the cyclops, playing peek-a-boo with Mr. Johnson, shining the sword, peeling the banana, making the bald man puke, dating Rosy Palm and her five friends, shaking hands with Mr. Happy, polishing the rocket, hugging the hog, petting the lizard, scouring the tower of power, greasing the pipe, going on PeeWee's little adventure, checking for ticks, oiling the glove, ironing some wrinkles, draining the monster, milking the moose, burping the baby, boxing with Richard, choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come, cleaning the rifle, doing the five-knuckle shuffle, getting the German soldier marching, walking the dog, waking the dead, preparing the carrot, playing the skin flute, holding the sausage hostage, manning the cockpit, crowning the king, doing the janitor thing, polishing the family jewels, attacking the one-eyed purple-headed warrior.
Heihachi: ........................................Huh?
Lee: NEVER MIND, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT!!! So, do you want me to kill Kazuya or not?
Heihachi: Very well. Abel! Hand me my royal scepter!
Abel: *hands him a plunger*
Lee: *sits on his knees*
Heihachi: I, Heihachi Mishima, hereby dub thee, Lee Chaolan, royal kicker of ass! *touches his shoulders with the plunger* Arise, Sir Lee.
Lee: *stands to his feet*
Heihachi: Your first assignment as my new professional assassin is to find Kazuya's ass and kick it.
Lee: Yes sir!
Later that night
Kazuya: *recovering at his G Corporations headquarters* Damn that Heihachi! That was a dirty trick! Oh well. I'll be more prepared next time.
Violet: *walks into the room* Excuse me sir, but aren't you Kazuya Mishima? I'd like to have a word with you if you don't mind.
Kazuya: Lee?! I thought you were dead!
Violet: Uh, Lee is dead. My name is Violet.
Kazuya: Don't give me that crap, Lee. I can tell it's you. That costume is way too obvious.
Violet: Really, I'm not Lee. I'm Violet.
Kazuya: *pulls out a gun and points it at him* Heihachi sent you didn't he! Stupid old man can't do his own dirty work.
Violet: Seriously man, I'm not Lee. I'm Violet!
Kazuya: Wrong answer. *blows his brains out* Little idiot. Never could do anything right.
Lee: *walks into the room* Hello brother. Bet you didn't expect to see me did you?
Kazuya: WHAT?! *looks at Violet then back at Lee* No, I didn't. *quickly stands in front of Violet's body*
Lee: Our father has requested that you be killed. Nothing personal, brother, it's just business.
Kazuya: But if you're not dead, then what have you been doing all this time.
Lee: Eh... it's a long story. Let's just get down to business. Combot! Attack! *Combot appears*
Kazuya: Combot? That's real original. How long did it take you to come up with that name?
Lee: Shut up! This robot is the peak of A.I. technology. You can't possibly win this time, brother. Now you will die!
Kazuya: *takes out one of the screws, and Combot falls apart*
Lee: O_O Hey... but... you can't... aw shit!
Kazuya: Got anymore lame robot opponents for me to fight?
Lee: Just a minor setback. I'm still more than a match for you.
Kazuya: I don't think so. *throws a punch to his face*
Lee: *blocks it and counters with a pimp slap*
Kazuya: Hey! *throws a kick*
Lee: *ducks and sweeps him* It's no use, Kazuya. I know your moves like the front of my hand. And I KNOW the front of my hand.
Kazuya: You can't keep this up Lee. We both know that I'm going to win.
Lee: That's what you think. *starts doing his infinite kick*
Kazuya: Ow! Ow! Hey! *Tries to attack him but gets kicked in the face. Then he just blocks*
Lee: You can't block forever, brother. You have to strike back sooner or later.
Kazuya: *sidesteps*
Lee: *keeps kicking in the wrong direction* Hey! Get back over here!
Kazuya: It's time to finish this! I summon the power of the evil demon Bob! *transforms into devil*
Mysterious Mortal Kombat voice: FINISH HIM!
Kazuya: *shoots a laser through him*
Lee: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! *falls over dead*
Kazuya: Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Now I'm gonna destroy Heihachi once and for all! *flies into a closed window* Ow shit! *opens the window, then flies out*
Back with Heihachi
Heihachi: *steps outside his mansion, followed by a green fog* Oh man. I really shouldn't have had those bean burritos.
Kazuya: *dives down and grabs him by one of the wings on his head*
Heihachi: Hey! What's going on?! *looks up* Kazuya?! What happened to Lee?!
Kazuya: I killed him. And now I'm gonna do the same to you.
Heihachi: Put me down! Where are you taking me?!
Kazuya: To the nearest volcano! Now you're gonna know what it's like to burn to a crisp! Mwahahahahahahahahaha! *bird runs into his head* Aw, son of a bitch!
Kazuya and Heihachi: *both fall to the ground*
Heihachi: *gets up and starts running away*
Kazuya: You're not getting away that easy! *starts shooting lasers at him*
Heihachi: Crap! *dodjes the lasers*
Kazuya: Mwahahahahahahahaha! That's right! Dance old man! Dance! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!
Ozzy Osbourne: *steps outside* What the fuck is going on out here? I'm trying to get some fucking rest and I can't sleep with all this fucking commotion!
Lee: *runs onto the battlefield with a band-aid on his forehead* I'm not done yet Kazuya! *looks at Ozzy* What are you doing in this story?
Ozzy: I uh, duh, duh, the fucking, uh...
Lee: Nevermind. I'm coming father!
Kazuya: *still shooting lasers at Heihachi* Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha!
Lee: *grabs him from behind* Gotcha!
Kazuya: Hey! You're supposed to be dead!
Lee: So are you!
Kazuya: Good point.
Heihachi: My turn now, boy! *starts punching him in the gut*
Jin: *falls from the sky for some reason* I'll save you, Daddy!
Kazuya: Jin?! Why are you here?
Jin: *points at Ozzy* Same reason he's here.
Ozzy: The fucking uh, duh, duh, uh...
Then Kazuya and Jin battled against Heihachi and Lee Tekken Tag style as Ozzy Osbourne stuttered incoherently in the background. It wasn't long until the 4 warriors discovered that none of them could gain an advantage over the other.
The 4 warriors: None of us can gain an advantage over the other.
Ozzy: Duh, duh, duh, uh...
Heihachi: I've got it! Why didn't I think of this before? Ogre! I summon you!
Ogre: *flies onto the battlefield* Whattup, boss? You need me to whack somebody?
Heihachi: Yes! *points at Kazuya and Jin* Whack them! Whack em good!
Ogre: Oh, I'll whack them real good.
Jin: What do we do now, Daddy?
Kazuya: I... don't know.
Ogre: Time to open up a can o' whoop ass. *opens up a can o' whoop ass and kicks Kazuya to the ground*
Jin: Hey! *jumps on Ogre and grabs his head*
Ogre: Get up off me, punk! *smacks him down*
Heihachi: Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Lee: Mwahahahahahahahhahahahahaha!
Heihachi: Shut up! *smacks him in the face* Only I get to do the evil laugh. Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!
Jin: It's no use. We can't beat him.
Kazuya: *looks at Heihachi laughing* I have an idea. But we're going to have to last just a little bit longer.
Ogre: Shut up, bitch! I'm gonna bust yo azz! *gives him the pimp slap*
Kazuya: Ow! Shit, that hurt!
Heihachi: Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! *stomach starts to rumble*
Lee: Father, are you okay?
Heihachi: *hunching over* Damn burritos! Have to find a toilet quick! Can't tell if it's a fart or a shit! Oh man... here it comes!
Lee: Um, I'm just gonna step over here.
Heihachi: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! *Lets out a giant fart that can be heard and smelt everywhere within a 50 mile radius. The fart then rips a hole in the time-space continuum, creating a huge vortex to another dimension*
Ogre: *gets sucked into the vortex* What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
Lee: *gets sucked into the vortex* Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, I mean, Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Heihachi: *gets sucked into the vortex* Noooooooooooooooooooo! Damn you, Kazuyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Vortex: *closes once Heihachi is inside*
Kazuya: Yes! Revenge at last! Finally, Heihachi will be gone once and for all!
Jin: I don't get it, Daddy. What just happened here?
Kazuya: Simple, son. Heihachi made the same mistake that every bad guy in history has ever made. He got cocky before he actually won the fight. Plus, he can't go five minutes without shitting himself. I swear he must have some weird condition. Anyways, I still have one last piece of unfinished business to take care of. *walks up to a large podium with a huge number of people gathered in front it* Ladies and gentlemen! Now that Heihachi Mishima has finally been killed, I hereby take his place as president of the universe! You are all now under my absolute power! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Audience: *is completely silent*
Ozzy: Oh, shut the fuck up! *grabs him and bites his head off*
Audience: Yay!
Jes: And so, Ozzy Osbourne took his rightful place as king of the world, and a certain writer of stupid humor fics was doomed to listen to Black Sabbath albums obsessively for the rest of his natural life. And everyone lived happily ever after. That's my story and I'm stickin to it.
Ozzy: I love each and every one of you. Now fuck off!
And as for Heihachi... well lets just say he got exactly what was coming to him
Heihachi: *appears in a dark dimension where his head is the ball in a game of pong* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Heihachi: *dancing in the background*
Sisqo: Ooh, dat Jes so scandalous
And you know another writer can't handle it
Heihachi's shakin that thang like who's the ish
With the look in his eye so devilish
Uh
He likes to dance on the hip hop spots
And you cruise to the grooves to connect the dots
Not just urban, he likes the pop
Cuz he was Livin La Vida Loca
He had dimples like a truck, truck, truck
Wrinkles like what, what, what
Heihachi move your butt, butt, butt
I think I'll sing it again!
He had dimples like a truck, truck, truck
Wrinkles like what, what, what
All night long!
Let me see that thooooooooooooooooong
Heihachi
That thong, thong, thong, thong, thong
I like it when the beat it goes
Heihachi let that booty shooooooooooooooooooooow!
Heihachi move your butt, butt, butt
That thong, thong, thong, thong, thong!
Jes has spoken
Author's notes: All characters in this story belong to Namco. I'm sure alot of you have been patiently waiting for me to update King of Iron Fart. By now you're probably wanting to tie me up and use your imaginary author powers against me. Well, believe it or not I actually have a good excuse. When I 1st started King of Iron Fart, I was also busy with another story in another section and I wanted to get it done. Then I didn't have access to a computer for 2 months. My current excuse: I just haven't been in a Tekken-mood. So until I get my hands on Tekken 4, I probably won't update King of Iron Fart. Till then, I'll be crapping out little fics like this to keep my readers happy. By the way, for those unfamiliar with my style of humor, keep in mind that I wouldn't make fun of these characters if I didn't think they were cool. Enjoy.
Our story begins with Heihachi Mishima standing at a large podium with Ogre at his side. A huge group of people are gathered in front of him.
Heihachi: Welcome everyone. I have a very important announcement to make. Due to the fact that I am currently in possesion of the most powerful being in the world, I have been granted the honorable position of president of the universe. *waits for applause*
Audience: *is completely silent except for some guy who keeps farting*
Heihachi: Thank you, you're too kind. Now on to business. My first official act as president of the universe will be to have everyone taller than I am brutally murdered in a horrible, fiery death.
Paul Phoenix: *is seen being dragged toward a volcano by a couple of Tekken Force members* No! It's not me! It's the hair! I can get a haircut! *is thrown into the volcano* I CAN GET A HAIRCUUUUUUUUUUUUT!
Heihachi: Hey. Eyes up here. Good. My next act will be to have the statue of liberty dumped into the sea and replaced by a giant, gold statue of me.
Meanwhile, at the statue of liberty
Tekken force: *pushing the statue of liberty* Heave, ho, heave, ho! *pushes it into the sea* Woohoo!
Helicopter: *lowers Heihachi statue on top of them*
Tekken force: *CRUSH!* Aw, my face!
Back with Heihachi
Heihachi: Now, of course there's going to be a few changes that will take a little adjusting to. Namely our current project to make the world look more post-apocalyptic. But I'm convinced that we wil alll be able to adapt and everyone will be happy in the end. Or at least I will be anyway. Before I leave you tonight, I want to make one more thing clear. *steps out from behind the podium, revealing that he's been wearing nothing but his thong the whole time* ALL WHO OPPOSE ME SHALL RECEIVE A STINK FACE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Audience: *is completely silent*
Random person from audience: You suck!
Heihachi: *whispers to one of the Tekken force members* Have that man assasinated.
Tekken force member: *salutes* Yes sir!
Heihachi: That concludes this conference. Come on, Anna.
Anna: *stands up from behind the podium* Coming sir!
With Heihachi as its new ruler, it wasn't long till the whole world went all to hell. Corrupt members of the Tekken Force could be found everywhere, constantly mugging people for no apparent reason. People were forced to go into factories to build Heihachi statues, and other crap with Heihachi's ugly face on it. The people eventually turned violent, and began rioting and looting. And of course, daily ass kickings.
Tekken force: *knock on Hwoarang's apartment door* Come out, Hwoarang! It's time for your daily ass kicking!
Hwoarang: Um, I'm not home right now.
Tekken force: *kick the door down and storm into the apartment*
Hwoarang: Not in the face!
Tekken force: *pistol whip him to the floor and start beating the shit out of him*
Heihachi: *in his mansion, playing Pac-man* That's it. Come closer, foolish ghosts. Little do you know that you're playing right into my hands. *eats one of the big pellets and starts chasing the ghosts* Mwahahahaha! Now you shall feel my wrath!
Dr. Abel: *walks into the room* Sir, the golden toilet you ordered has come in.
Heihachi: Show me to this toilet immediately!
Dr. Abel: *takes him to the golden toilet* It also comes equipped with a built-in seat warmer.
Heihachi: This is the happiest day of my life. Now if you don't mind, I have some important business to attend to.
12 hours later
Heihachi: *steps out of the bathroom, followed by a green fog* Aw! My business is done!
Abel: Mr. Mishima! Someone is trying to break into the mansion!
Heihachi: What?! How'd he get past my security?
Abel: The security guard was asleep.
Heihachi: Have him killed immediately!
Abel: Uh, the man breaking in, or the security guard?
Heihachi: The security guard!
Abel: What about the other guy?
Heihachi: I wish to confront this man in a dramatic pre-fight dialogue. Then I will fight him to the death. Now leave!
Abel: *leaves the room*
Then, the door crashed down and a shadowy figure stepped forward.
Heihachi: Who are you?! Show yourself immediately!
Shadowy figure: *steps forward, revealing himself to be none other than...*
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Heihachi: Kazuya!
Kazuya: That's right, old man. You thought I was dead didn't you? Well now I've come back to HOLY SHIT WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING!!!
Heihachi: What? These are my royal garments.
Kazuya: It's a thong!
Heihachi: No, they're my royal garments.
Kazuya: Eh... whatever! The point is, I'm here to have my revenge for everything you've done to me.
Heihachi: Like what? I've never done anything to you.
Kazuya: You threw off of a cliff.
Heihachi: Oh, yeah that. Well, that wasn't so bad.
Kazuya: Wasn't so bad! I was scarred physically and emotionally! You don't know what it's like to live through such a horrifying experience!
Heihachi: One time I farted so loud, that it ripped a hole in the time-space continuum, and I was trapped in a parallel universe for 20 years.
Kazuya: O_O......................... Oh. Well, I'm still going to kill you.
Heihachi: So, it's come to this. I've always known this day would come.
Kazuya: You knew that I was going to be resurrected by a bio-technology company and come back to kill you after you'd taken over the world?
Heihachi: Um, yeah. Anyway, I feel that's enough dramatic pre-fight dialogue. What do you think?
Kazuya: Yeah, that feels about right. But wouldn't you like to change clothes before we fight?
Heihachi: No.
Kazuya: C'mon, just a pair of pants. What about that black gi you used to wear with the tiger on it?
Heihachi: I'm wearing this, and that's final!
Kazuya: Dammit.
And so, the two warriors prepare themselves for the fight of their lives.
Kazuya: *dashes toward Heihachi* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Heihachi: *dashed toward Kazuya* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Kazuya: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Heihachi: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Kazuya: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Heihachi: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Kazuya and Heihachi: *both bang heads and fall flat on their asses*
Heihachi: Ow, dammit!
Kazuya: Son of a bitch!
Heihachi: *gets up and puts Kazuya in that electric headlock he does*
Kazuya: *zap* Hey! *zap* Ow! *zap* Cut that out! *starts punching him in the kidneys*
Heihachi: *finally lets go of the hold*
Kazuya: LIGHTNING SCREW UPPERCUT!
Heihachi: Wait, what did you just say?
Kazuya: Lightning screw uppercut.
Heihachi: Lightning screw?
Kazuya: Dammit Jes, you've already used this joke before!
Jes: Sorry, couldn't help myself.
Kazuya: Stop making fun of my move. It's a good move.
Heihachi: Lightning screw?
Kazuya: Can we just get back to fighting?
Heihachi: Oh, right. DEMON BREATH!
Kazuya: Ha! Demon Breath, Demon Breath! Hahaha!
Heihachi: Oh shut up, it's not as funny.
Kazuya: Seriously though, it really does smell like something crawled down your throat and died.
Heihachi: What?! You'll pay for that remark!
The battle continued for well over an hour. But toward the end, it was Heihachi who had the advantage.
Heihachi: *standing over Kazuya's fallen body* Ha! You're still too weak to defeat me boy! Now I'm going to finish you off with my newest and most powerful technique! THE STINK FACE!
Kazuya: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Heihachi: *starts to sit down on his face*
Kazuya: *quickly punches him in the nuts*
Heihachi: Ow! You little punk!
Kazuya: *stands up and throws Heihachi's head through one of the walls*
Heihachi: Hey, I'm stuck!
Kazuya: Now I'm gonna break my foot off in your ass old man. *starts kicking him in the ass*
Heihachi: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Please stop!
Kazuya: This is for throwing me off a cliff! *kicks him in the ass* This is for killing me! *kicks him in the ass* This is for taking over the world before I did! *kicks him in the ass* This is for not getting me anything for my birthday! *kicks him in the ass* This is for destroying my baseball cards! *kicks him in the ass*
Heihachi: Ow! I couldn't be in more pain! That's it! I didn't want to resort to this, but you leave me no other choice! *farts, causing a green fog to spray in Kazuya's face*
Kazuya: Aw, that smell! I've never smelt anything like it! It must be some new technique! I can't stop now! I have to finish the job! But it's making my eyes water! *drops down to his knees and coughs* I think I'm going to pass out! You may have won this time Heihachi, but I'll be back! *runs out of the house, trying to regain his breath*
Heihachi: *pulls his head out of the wall* Oh man, that was a wet one. I think I'm going to have to change.
Abel: *comes out from wherever the hell he was hiding* What are we going to do now, sir? We know he's going to come back.
Heihachi: Hm. I know! I'll organize another King of Iron Fist tournament!
????: That's your solution to everything.
Heihachi: Huh? Who said that?
Lee: *steps out of nowhere* I did father.
Heihachi: Lee! How did you get in here?
Lee: That's not important right now. What is important is Kazuya. It seems he is back to his old tricks, doesn't it father?
Heihachi: Yes, but that doesn't explain what you're doing here.
Lee: Simple. I can offer you the chance to get rid of Kazuya once and for all. In return you will allow me to rule at your side.
Heihachi: I don't know. There's still something don't trust about you. I thought you were supposed to be dead.
Lee: Actually, I've just been at my home in the Bahamas.
Heihachi: Doing what?
Lee: Oh, just getting to know myself.
Heihachi: What do you mean?
Lee: Ya know, doing some rapid one pull-ups.
Heihachi: I don't understand.
Lee: I was grappling the gorilla, choking the snake, shaving the camel, pounding the bald-headed moose.
Heihachi: Uh.....
Lee: Punching the clown, arm-wrestling the cyclops, playing peek-a-boo with Mr. Johnson, shining the sword, peeling the banana, making the bald man puke, dating Rosy Palm and her five friends, shaking hands with Mr. Happy, polishing the rocket, hugging the hog, petting the lizard, scouring the tower of power, greasing the pipe, going on PeeWee's little adventure, checking for ticks, oiling the glove, ironing some wrinkles, draining the monster, milking the moose, burping the baby, boxing with Richard, choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come, cleaning the rifle, doing the five-knuckle shuffle, getting the German soldier marching, walking the dog, waking the dead, preparing the carrot, playing the skin flute, holding the sausage hostage, manning the cockpit, crowning the king, doing the janitor thing, polishing the family jewels, attacking the one-eyed purple-headed warrior.
Heihachi: ........................................Huh?
Lee: NEVER MIND, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT!!! So, do you want me to kill Kazuya or not?
Heihachi: Very well. Abel! Hand me my royal scepter!
Abel: *hands him a plunger*
Lee: *sits on his knees*
Heihachi: I, Heihachi Mishima, hereby dub thee, Lee Chaolan, royal kicker of ass! *touches his shoulders with the plunger* Arise, Sir Lee.
Lee: *stands to his feet*
Heihachi: Your first assignment as my new professional assassin is to find Kazuya's ass and kick it.
Lee: Yes sir!
Later that night
Kazuya: *recovering at his G Corporations headquarters* Damn that Heihachi! That was a dirty trick! Oh well. I'll be more prepared next time.
Violet: *walks into the room* Excuse me sir, but aren't you Kazuya Mishima? I'd like to have a word with you if you don't mind.
Kazuya: Lee?! I thought you were dead!
Violet: Uh, Lee is dead. My name is Violet.
Kazuya: Don't give me that crap, Lee. I can tell it's you. That costume is way too obvious.
Violet: Really, I'm not Lee. I'm Violet.
Kazuya: *pulls out a gun and points it at him* Heihachi sent you didn't he! Stupid old man can't do his own dirty work.
Violet: Seriously man, I'm not Lee. I'm Violet!
Kazuya: Wrong answer. *blows his brains out* Little idiot. Never could do anything right.
Lee: *walks into the room* Hello brother. Bet you didn't expect to see me did you?
Kazuya: WHAT?! *looks at Violet then back at Lee* No, I didn't. *quickly stands in front of Violet's body*
Lee: Our father has requested that you be killed. Nothing personal, brother, it's just business.
Kazuya: But if you're not dead, then what have you been doing all this time.
Lee: Eh... it's a long story. Let's just get down to business. Combot! Attack! *Combot appears*
Kazuya: Combot? That's real original. How long did it take you to come up with that name?
Lee: Shut up! This robot is the peak of A.I. technology. You can't possibly win this time, brother. Now you will die!
Kazuya: *takes out one of the screws, and Combot falls apart*
Lee: O_O Hey... but... you can't... aw shit!
Kazuya: Got anymore lame robot opponents for me to fight?
Lee: Just a minor setback. I'm still more than a match for you.
Kazuya: I don't think so. *throws a punch to his face*
Lee: *blocks it and counters with a pimp slap*
Kazuya: Hey! *throws a kick*
Lee: *ducks and sweeps him* It's no use, Kazuya. I know your moves like the front of my hand. And I KNOW the front of my hand.
Kazuya: You can't keep this up Lee. We both know that I'm going to win.
Lee: That's what you think. *starts doing his infinite kick*
Kazuya: Ow! Ow! Hey! *Tries to attack him but gets kicked in the face. Then he just blocks*
Lee: You can't block forever, brother. You have to strike back sooner or later.
Kazuya: *sidesteps*
Lee: *keeps kicking in the wrong direction* Hey! Get back over here!
Kazuya: It's time to finish this! I summon the power of the evil demon Bob! *transforms into devil*
Mysterious Mortal Kombat voice: FINISH HIM!
Kazuya: *shoots a laser through him*
Lee: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! *falls over dead*
Kazuya: Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Now I'm gonna destroy Heihachi once and for all! *flies into a closed window* Ow shit! *opens the window, then flies out*
Back with Heihachi
Heihachi: *steps outside his mansion, followed by a green fog* Oh man. I really shouldn't have had those bean burritos.
Kazuya: *dives down and grabs him by one of the wings on his head*
Heihachi: Hey! What's going on?! *looks up* Kazuya?! What happened to Lee?!
Kazuya: I killed him. And now I'm gonna do the same to you.
Heihachi: Put me down! Where are you taking me?!
Kazuya: To the nearest volcano! Now you're gonna know what it's like to burn to a crisp! Mwahahahahahahahahaha! *bird runs into his head* Aw, son of a bitch!
Kazuya and Heihachi: *both fall to the ground*
Heihachi: *gets up and starts running away*
Kazuya: You're not getting away that easy! *starts shooting lasers at him*
Heihachi: Crap! *dodjes the lasers*
Kazuya: Mwahahahahahahahaha! That's right! Dance old man! Dance! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!
Ozzy Osbourne: *steps outside* What the fuck is going on out here? I'm trying to get some fucking rest and I can't sleep with all this fucking commotion!
Lee: *runs onto the battlefield with a band-aid on his forehead* I'm not done yet Kazuya! *looks at Ozzy* What are you doing in this story?
Ozzy: I uh, duh, duh, the fucking, uh...
Lee: Nevermind. I'm coming father!
Kazuya: *still shooting lasers at Heihachi* Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha!
Lee: *grabs him from behind* Gotcha!
Kazuya: Hey! You're supposed to be dead!
Lee: So are you!
Kazuya: Good point.
Heihachi: My turn now, boy! *starts punching him in the gut*
Jin: *falls from the sky for some reason* I'll save you, Daddy!
Kazuya: Jin?! Why are you here?
Jin: *points at Ozzy* Same reason he's here.
Ozzy: The fucking uh, duh, duh, uh...
Then Kazuya and Jin battled against Heihachi and Lee Tekken Tag style as Ozzy Osbourne stuttered incoherently in the background. It wasn't long until the 4 warriors discovered that none of them could gain an advantage over the other.
The 4 warriors: None of us can gain an advantage over the other.
Ozzy: Duh, duh, duh, uh...
Heihachi: I've got it! Why didn't I think of this before? Ogre! I summon you!
Ogre: *flies onto the battlefield* Whattup, boss? You need me to whack somebody?
Heihachi: Yes! *points at Kazuya and Jin* Whack them! Whack em good!
Ogre: Oh, I'll whack them real good.
Jin: What do we do now, Daddy?
Kazuya: I... don't know.
Ogre: Time to open up a can o' whoop ass. *opens up a can o' whoop ass and kicks Kazuya to the ground*
Jin: Hey! *jumps on Ogre and grabs his head*
Ogre: Get up off me, punk! *smacks him down*
Heihachi: Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Lee: Mwahahahahahahahhahahahahaha!
Heihachi: Shut up! *smacks him in the face* Only I get to do the evil laugh. Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!
Jin: It's no use. We can't beat him.
Kazuya: *looks at Heihachi laughing* I have an idea. But we're going to have to last just a little bit longer.
Ogre: Shut up, bitch! I'm gonna bust yo azz! *gives him the pimp slap*
Kazuya: Ow! Shit, that hurt!
Heihachi: Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! *stomach starts to rumble*
Lee: Father, are you okay?
Heihachi: *hunching over* Damn burritos! Have to find a toilet quick! Can't tell if it's a fart or a shit! Oh man... here it comes!
Lee: Um, I'm just gonna step over here.
Heihachi: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! *Lets out a giant fart that can be heard and smelt everywhere within a 50 mile radius. The fart then rips a hole in the time-space continuum, creating a huge vortex to another dimension*
Ogre: *gets sucked into the vortex* What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
Lee: *gets sucked into the vortex* Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, I mean, Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Heihachi: *gets sucked into the vortex* Noooooooooooooooooooo! Damn you, Kazuyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Vortex: *closes once Heihachi is inside*
Kazuya: Yes! Revenge at last! Finally, Heihachi will be gone once and for all!
Jin: I don't get it, Daddy. What just happened here?
Kazuya: Simple, son. Heihachi made the same mistake that every bad guy in history has ever made. He got cocky before he actually won the fight. Plus, he can't go five minutes without shitting himself. I swear he must have some weird condition. Anyways, I still have one last piece of unfinished business to take care of. *walks up to a large podium with a huge number of people gathered in front it* Ladies and gentlemen! Now that Heihachi Mishima has finally been killed, I hereby take his place as president of the universe! You are all now under my absolute power! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Audience: *is completely silent*
Ozzy: Oh, shut the fuck up! *grabs him and bites his head off*
Audience: Yay!
Jes: And so, Ozzy Osbourne took his rightful place as king of the world, and a certain writer of stupid humor fics was doomed to listen to Black Sabbath albums obsessively for the rest of his natural life. And everyone lived happily ever after. That's my story and I'm stickin to it.
Ozzy: I love each and every one of you. Now fuck off!
And as for Heihachi... well lets just say he got exactly what was coming to him
Heihachi: *appears in a dark dimension where his head is the ball in a game of pong* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Heihachi: *dancing in the background*
Sisqo: Ooh, dat Jes so scandalous
And you know another writer can't handle it
Heihachi's shakin that thang like who's the ish
With the look in his eye so devilish
Uh
He likes to dance on the hip hop spots
And you cruise to the grooves to connect the dots
Not just urban, he likes the pop
Cuz he was Livin La Vida Loca
He had dimples like a truck, truck, truck
Wrinkles like what, what, what
Heihachi move your butt, butt, butt
I think I'll sing it again!
He had dimples like a truck, truck, truck
Wrinkles like what, what, what
All night long!
Let me see that thooooooooooooooooong
Heihachi
That thong, thong, thong, thong, thong
I like it when the beat it goes
Heihachi let that booty shooooooooooooooooooooow!
Heihachi move your butt, butt, butt
That thong, thong, thong, thong, thong!
Jes has spoken