What the hell am I doing here... again? This church has been a house of lies for as long as I can remember. What brings me back here? My mother. She shows up at the loft, and her timing is perfect as usual. I tried to ignore the banging on the door, but there was no use. So, I answer... and inadvertently open another door that has never been open to my mother before. It was time she knew, not that I had ever planned on telling her. Actually, I had never planned on telling my father, but he was dying anyway. I wasn't trying to hide Justin. Really, I'm glad he came out of the bedroom. I don't think he realized that he outed me though, at least not right away.
Justin knows that I haven't had the greatest relationship with either of my parents. I'm not sure if he knew that I had kept my life a secret from them, though. Dad was right, for once; he said that if mom ever found out that I'm gay she would be in church constantly praying for my soul. And where did I find her one evening? Sitting in church, praying for my soul. You'd think after that conversation, I wouldn't set foot in this place again. I had the perfect opportunity to tell her that the man she thinks of "as a son" is the biggest liar of them all. Yet, I didn't. I don't know why, I guess I didn't want to tear her down for no reason. After all, telling her would probably do more harm than good.
Something she said struck me, and made me think. She said that there was only one person that she could count on, no matter what. She said that God would always be there for her, and would never let her down. Of course, that wasn't what struck me. It was when she looked at me and said, "who can you say that about?" I didn't know what to say. For once, the great Brian Kinney didn't have a snappy comeback.
When I left, I went to Babylon to find Justin. I just had to be near him. Whenever I'm around him, he flashes that sunshine smile, and everything is ok (even if only for a short time). I often ask myself what makes him different from all the others. In the beginning, he was just another fuck. What made him keep coming back, and what made me want him to keep coming back? Everyone thinks, hell - even I thought, that it wasn't until after his prom that I realized that I felt something for him. I think that's just when I finally admitted it to myself. I knew that there was something special about him long before that. After all, how many tricks have I chased to New York City to bring home?
Yeah, Justin was more than an unwanted trick long before his prom. Come to think of it, it probably was that trip to New York City that made me see there was something more there (even though I would have denied it fiercely should anyone have called me on it). On the surface, I was beyond angry that he stole my credit card, and I was only going after him because Debbie persuaded me to go. But, in reality, I was concerned about him, and I wanted to get him and bring him home. Of course, I had no idea where "home" would be for him once we got back, because I knew there was no way that he could live with me. I'm glad that Debbie took matters into her own hands while I was away, and made arrangements for him to live there. It's ironic though, how just over a year ago there was no possible way I'd have him live with me, and now I can't imagine him living anywhere else.
He understood not to get too close as I watched my mom leave the loft. Yet at Woody's, when I was telling the guys about what my mom said, he knew that I needed something, so he lightly rubbed my back as I was talking. I don't usually take comfort from anyone, especially in public. But Justin is different. He's subtle about it, and he doesn't make me feel weak. I've even let him see me cry. I think I scared him the first time, because he didn't know whether to hug me or run. I'm glad he hugged me.
Justin has changed my life so much. Everyone can see it, and they think I'm just being stubborn in not admitting it. Somehow they know, though, that it's hard for me. Justin understands, and that's what matters most.
Mom says I'm selfish. I almost surprised myself when I shot back "no I'm not". Hell, most of the time I am selfish, but look who I grew up with. Neither her nor my father were the greatest examples of what it means to be kind, or to show affection. They were both concerned more about themselves than anyone else. I made a vow, early on, that I wouldn't allow myself to be hurt by anyone anymore. To ensure that, I set some rules to follow, the most important of which was to never let another heart touch mine. Thus becoming the hardened man I am today. Hardened, yes, but selfish, no. I kept others at an arm's length away, but that didn't stop me from silently caring. I think that some people put more emphasis on actions than on words, and that's the way it should be. Deb and Mikey saw right through my "tough kid" exterior and saw the child hurting inside. Luckily, they never pushed... hard. I wouldn't exactly call what Deb does pushing. I'd call it shoving. I would be a completely different person if it weren't for Debbie shoving me all the time. And Mikey was the first person I ever let see me cry; I never gave my parents the satisfaction.
Mikey. My best friend, the one who was always there for me, even when I wasn't sure that I wanted him to be. Sometimes I think that if it hadn't been for Mikey, that I would be much worse off, maybe even dead. People speak of unrequited love, but that isn't the case between Mikey and me. It's more like unconditional love, he just has an easier time expressing it. I know how Mikey feels. It's written all over his face, as well as in his actions. I love him too, in that best friend kind of way. I know he'd like more, but he also understands why I can't give it to him. Friends need unconditional love just as much as any couple. I know that no matter what, Mikey will always love me, and I will always love him. What I have with Justin will never change that. I think he's warming up to Justin. I don't see that look of death in his eyes every time he sees Justin and me together.
I don't know where this relationship with Justin will lead, but somehow heart has slipped its way to mine, and I have to resist the urge to run. I have to trust him not to hurt me. All my life there have been different types of couples and relationships around me. The one couple that should have set a standard for me, in terms of how couples are supposed to work, didn't. My parents are the main reason I don't want to allow myself to love someone. They were always fighting; I don't think they ever really loved each other. On the other hand, Lindsay and Melanie have been together for over six years. Then there's Gus. I never thought I'd be a parent, but I'm glad that I am. Gus will never have to go through the things that I did growing up. He'll always know that his mommies love him, and his daddy loves him. Justin is still so young, and he's going to want to do things, and sometimes these things may hurt me. I know he didn't kiss the trick at the party to intentionally hurt me. He is much more open than I was at his age. Justin gave me his heart. I've done everything there is to do, *except* give my heart to someone. Until now.
Earlier today, at the loft, I found my bible. The same bible that my mom made me carry with me to church every Sunday when I was younger. Flipping through it, I noticed the corner of a page turned down. I read the highlighted passage, and remembered its importance. Ephesians, Chapter 5, verses 1 through 21. I had to recite this passage during a service when I was fourteen. At the time, I wasn't sure what the passage meant, but I knew that it would be important later in my life. As time went on, and I came to terms with myself and being gay, I referred back to those verses.
"But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints" "For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God." "Let no man deceive you with vain words: for because of these things cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience." "For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done in of them in secret. But all things that are reproved are made manifest by the light: for whatsoever doth make manifest is light." "Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God"
It's people that believe in words such as these that put us in closets. My mom believes in these words, wholeheartedly. She loves that book more than she loves me. Maybe it's a fear that she'll lose her spot in Heaven if she loves her gay son. I just don't get it, why believe in someone who wants you to fear them?
My mom knows I'm gay now, and according to the book she believes in so much, "things that are brought from the dark into the light are made right." So, why am I still going to hell? If God teaches love, then why is loving the person that I love wrong? Because the one I choose to love is a man? If that means going to hell, then so be it. I don't need anyone's approval to live the way I choose to live. Not my mothers. Not even God's.
Mom may only have one person that will never let her down, but I have more than one. Mikey, Justin, Ted, Emmett, and Deb, these people will always be there for me and never let me down. They are my extended family. No, they are my family.
Justin knows that I haven't had the greatest relationship with either of my parents. I'm not sure if he knew that I had kept my life a secret from them, though. Dad was right, for once; he said that if mom ever found out that I'm gay she would be in church constantly praying for my soul. And where did I find her one evening? Sitting in church, praying for my soul. You'd think after that conversation, I wouldn't set foot in this place again. I had the perfect opportunity to tell her that the man she thinks of "as a son" is the biggest liar of them all. Yet, I didn't. I don't know why, I guess I didn't want to tear her down for no reason. After all, telling her would probably do more harm than good.
Something she said struck me, and made me think. She said that there was only one person that she could count on, no matter what. She said that God would always be there for her, and would never let her down. Of course, that wasn't what struck me. It was when she looked at me and said, "who can you say that about?" I didn't know what to say. For once, the great Brian Kinney didn't have a snappy comeback.
When I left, I went to Babylon to find Justin. I just had to be near him. Whenever I'm around him, he flashes that sunshine smile, and everything is ok (even if only for a short time). I often ask myself what makes him different from all the others. In the beginning, he was just another fuck. What made him keep coming back, and what made me want him to keep coming back? Everyone thinks, hell - even I thought, that it wasn't until after his prom that I realized that I felt something for him. I think that's just when I finally admitted it to myself. I knew that there was something special about him long before that. After all, how many tricks have I chased to New York City to bring home?
Yeah, Justin was more than an unwanted trick long before his prom. Come to think of it, it probably was that trip to New York City that made me see there was something more there (even though I would have denied it fiercely should anyone have called me on it). On the surface, I was beyond angry that he stole my credit card, and I was only going after him because Debbie persuaded me to go. But, in reality, I was concerned about him, and I wanted to get him and bring him home. Of course, I had no idea where "home" would be for him once we got back, because I knew there was no way that he could live with me. I'm glad that Debbie took matters into her own hands while I was away, and made arrangements for him to live there. It's ironic though, how just over a year ago there was no possible way I'd have him live with me, and now I can't imagine him living anywhere else.
He understood not to get too close as I watched my mom leave the loft. Yet at Woody's, when I was telling the guys about what my mom said, he knew that I needed something, so he lightly rubbed my back as I was talking. I don't usually take comfort from anyone, especially in public. But Justin is different. He's subtle about it, and he doesn't make me feel weak. I've even let him see me cry. I think I scared him the first time, because he didn't know whether to hug me or run. I'm glad he hugged me.
Justin has changed my life so much. Everyone can see it, and they think I'm just being stubborn in not admitting it. Somehow they know, though, that it's hard for me. Justin understands, and that's what matters most.
Mom says I'm selfish. I almost surprised myself when I shot back "no I'm not". Hell, most of the time I am selfish, but look who I grew up with. Neither her nor my father were the greatest examples of what it means to be kind, or to show affection. They were both concerned more about themselves than anyone else. I made a vow, early on, that I wouldn't allow myself to be hurt by anyone anymore. To ensure that, I set some rules to follow, the most important of which was to never let another heart touch mine. Thus becoming the hardened man I am today. Hardened, yes, but selfish, no. I kept others at an arm's length away, but that didn't stop me from silently caring. I think that some people put more emphasis on actions than on words, and that's the way it should be. Deb and Mikey saw right through my "tough kid" exterior and saw the child hurting inside. Luckily, they never pushed... hard. I wouldn't exactly call what Deb does pushing. I'd call it shoving. I would be a completely different person if it weren't for Debbie shoving me all the time. And Mikey was the first person I ever let see me cry; I never gave my parents the satisfaction.
Mikey. My best friend, the one who was always there for me, even when I wasn't sure that I wanted him to be. Sometimes I think that if it hadn't been for Mikey, that I would be much worse off, maybe even dead. People speak of unrequited love, but that isn't the case between Mikey and me. It's more like unconditional love, he just has an easier time expressing it. I know how Mikey feels. It's written all over his face, as well as in his actions. I love him too, in that best friend kind of way. I know he'd like more, but he also understands why I can't give it to him. Friends need unconditional love just as much as any couple. I know that no matter what, Mikey will always love me, and I will always love him. What I have with Justin will never change that. I think he's warming up to Justin. I don't see that look of death in his eyes every time he sees Justin and me together.
I don't know where this relationship with Justin will lead, but somehow heart has slipped its way to mine, and I have to resist the urge to run. I have to trust him not to hurt me. All my life there have been different types of couples and relationships around me. The one couple that should have set a standard for me, in terms of how couples are supposed to work, didn't. My parents are the main reason I don't want to allow myself to love someone. They were always fighting; I don't think they ever really loved each other. On the other hand, Lindsay and Melanie have been together for over six years. Then there's Gus. I never thought I'd be a parent, but I'm glad that I am. Gus will never have to go through the things that I did growing up. He'll always know that his mommies love him, and his daddy loves him. Justin is still so young, and he's going to want to do things, and sometimes these things may hurt me. I know he didn't kiss the trick at the party to intentionally hurt me. He is much more open than I was at his age. Justin gave me his heart. I've done everything there is to do, *except* give my heart to someone. Until now.
Earlier today, at the loft, I found my bible. The same bible that my mom made me carry with me to church every Sunday when I was younger. Flipping through it, I noticed the corner of a page turned down. I read the highlighted passage, and remembered its importance. Ephesians, Chapter 5, verses 1 through 21. I had to recite this passage during a service when I was fourteen. At the time, I wasn't sure what the passage meant, but I knew that it would be important later in my life. As time went on, and I came to terms with myself and being gay, I referred back to those verses.
"But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints" "For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God." "Let no man deceive you with vain words: for because of these things cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience." "For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done in of them in secret. But all things that are reproved are made manifest by the light: for whatsoever doth make manifest is light." "Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God"
It's people that believe in words such as these that put us in closets. My mom believes in these words, wholeheartedly. She loves that book more than she loves me. Maybe it's a fear that she'll lose her spot in Heaven if she loves her gay son. I just don't get it, why believe in someone who wants you to fear them?
My mom knows I'm gay now, and according to the book she believes in so much, "things that are brought from the dark into the light are made right." So, why am I still going to hell? If God teaches love, then why is loving the person that I love wrong? Because the one I choose to love is a man? If that means going to hell, then so be it. I don't need anyone's approval to live the way I choose to live. Not my mothers. Not even God's.
Mom may only have one person that will never let her down, but I have more than one. Mikey, Justin, Ted, Emmett, and Deb, these people will always be there for me and never let me down. They are my extended family. No, they are my family.