WHEN DISASTER STRIKES: BOREDOM GONE WRONG
Part II.
Frodo was shocked. The Ring was somewhere in the U.S.A., and he was on Bahamas while Gandalf and the rest of the Fellowship remained in Middle Earth. Frodo would do anything to get back to Gandalf, because he couldn't solve this by himself... no, he couldn't...
But then again, if he went back to Gandalf, the old wizard would probably get angry at him for losing such a precious thing. Oh brother, what was a hobbit to do at times like these?
It didn't take long until the answer came. A flying turtle landed next to Frodo and said, "Hi, Frodo! You don't look very happy to me. What's the problem?"
"Nothing," Frodo said. "I just lost the Ring, that's all."
"Oh dear," the turtle said. "Well, my name is Aretha Franklin - not to be confused with Aretha Franklin - and I am a flying turtle, as you can see. Oh, and although my name makes it seem like I'm a female turtle, I am in fact a male turtle. Would you believe that?"
"Oh, sure I believe it," Frodo said and sighed. "I can see it with my own eyes. That's very nice."
"I can fly you to wherever the Ring has gone," Aretha Franklin said with a smile.
"Can you? Really?"
"Yup."
"Would you?"
"Yes," the turtle said and prepared for takeoff. "Come, have a seat on my shell."
"But what if I fall off?" Frodo wondered. "Won't that hurt?"
"A bit, but you'll get used to it," the turtle said.
Frodo screamed in terror.
"No, I'm just kidding," the turtle said.
Frodo sighed in relief.
"You won't get used to it!"
Frodo screamed in terror.
"You won't get used to it, because it won't happen," the turtle finally added.
Frodo sighed in relief and seated himself upon the turtle's shell. Then they flew to New York, where the orc had gone.
---
The orc fondled the Ring while he turned the corner and arrived at Times Square. Then he saw a couple of sleazy-looking pr...
Suddenly, a creature jumped out in front of him. "Stop that!" the creature screamed. "I am here on behalf of the Middle Earth's Company of Censorship, and I--"
"Yeah, I read about you in the first part of this fic," the orc said. "So what do you want?"
"This fic's rating is too low for it to contain... well, you know what. It's Times Square we're talking about. So pretend that you're not seeing any you-know-whats, okay? Or else I'll use my Magic Censor Wand to screw this fic up. I am eeevil!"
"Okay," the orc said. "I will pretend."
"Well, alright," the censor lady said, "but I'll be keeping an eye on you." With those words, she disappeared.
So, anyway, when the orc was walking through Times Square, he saw some sleazy looking pretzels who were glaring at him in a strange way. All of a sudden, one of the pretzels came up to him and said, "Looking for a good time?"
"Um, yes," the orc said.
"Terrific," the pretzel said. "Alright, what do you like? Do you like deep th--"
"GROAR!" the roaring voice of the Censor Lady echoed through New York. "NO BAD LANGUAGE!" it roared.
"Okay," the pretzel said. "Do you like, uh... how do I say this without the use of bad language? Well, it's like when Bush choked on a pretzel, but the other way around..."
"DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK, THAT'S ALL I'M TELLING YA!" the Censor Lady roared again, and it was a wonder that she could scream so loud. "ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN!"
"Alright, I'm sorry," the pretzel said. "Wanna join me for a game of Monopoly?"
"No, I've got other things to do," the orc said. "Maybe some other time."
"Okay," the pretzel said. "Goodbye, then."
"Bye."
---
The orc continued down Times Square, left it, and went through various streets until he came to his apartment. Yes, he actually had an apartment in New York. I won't explain how he got it, but I need it to get the story going.
In there, he made some plans, but we won't go into them yet. Instead, we'll return to Frodo and Aretha Franklin, the Flying Turtle, in just a minute.
---
Frodo was... Oh, wait.
I *said* a minute! That is much less than a minute, don't you think? Well, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to wait.
---
AFTER ABOUT A MINUTE:
Frodo was sitting on Aretha Franklin's back, and he wondered where the Ring had gone. He was desperate to find it.
"Don't worry," Aretha Franklin said, "we'll find your Ring."
"Yeah, I know," Frodo said. "I know. But it's gonna be tough."
"Yup," Aretha Franklin said. "In fact, it's pretty late now. We should find some place to sleep. The orc is probably hiding somewhere anyway. I figure he'll wait until tomorrow to put his plans into action."
"Are you sure?" Frodo asked.
"That's what I would have done if I was an orc in possession of THE Ring."
"Where shall we sleep?"
Aretha Franklin scratched his hair, even though he had none. "Hm," he said. "That roof looks unoccupied."
"Yeah, but it's cold outside," Frodo whined. "I want to go home to mommy and daddy."
"That's ridiculous," Aretha Franklin whispered. "Now go to sleep."
"No force on this Earth can make me sleep on that roof."
"Come on. Please?"
"Okay."
---
The next morning, they woke up to the sound of an orc yelling, "The Ring is for sale! Yes, THE Ring that even old Sauron couldn't lay his dirty paws on, is now available for any customer with some serious cash in his wallet! Come and get it! Ever dreamed of becoming invisible whenever you want to? Well, here's your chance!"
"So that's what he's been planning," Frodo said. "He's going to make profit from one of the most, if not in fact THE most terrible thing ever to be created. What a silly orc."
"Yeah, but you gotta admire his talent as a salesman," Aretha Franklin said and put his hands to his sides. "Look at him. People pulling out their wallets are already gathering around him. Hey, look! A yellow, dancing rhinoceros is on that roof over there!"
"Yeah, cool!" Frodo burst out. "I'm gonna check it out for a while! The heck with the Ring!"
"Yeah, totally!" Aretha Franklin agreed.
The rhinoceros was merry today, for it had caught a glimpse of what he thought was Tom Hanks at the mall the day before yesterday. Ever since then, he had been on the New York City roofs, dancing a sexy dance for everyone who happened to be on one of those roofs. "Oh look at him," Frodo said. "It's the rhinoceros. He's so hot."
"Just don't let it get out of hand," Aretha Franklin warned. "Or else we'll have that censor lady with us in a few seconds."
"Alright, I won't," Frodo said. "But you still gotta admire his moves, bro'."
"Yeah, look at that," Aretha Franklin commented. "The way he moves his hips... he's a rhinoceros-dancing genius, if you ask me."
"Yup," Frodo agreed. "Such things could only happen in New York... but what now? Where is he? He's gone! Damn!"
"Oh, that reminds me," Aretha Franklin said. "We must get back to watching the orc.
"Yeah, you were talking about his talent as a salesman, right?"
"Right."
"Well," Frodo said matter-of-factly, "it's no wonder he's doing so good, you know, with the incredible attractiveness of the Ring and all that. Everyone's gonna want one for Christmas - thank heavens there's only one."
"My grandpa used to have a saying," Aretha Franklin said. "'One is three too much.'"
"Oh, that is so clever," Frodo said in awe of Aretha Franklin's grandpa.
"Thank you," Aretha Franklin said, "but we really need to know what's going on with the orc."
"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea," Frodo agreed. And so they went back and leaned over the edge of the building. Right below them was the orc, and surrounding him was a huge crowd of people waving their dollar bills in the air, all of them eager to own the Ring for themselves. Frodo and Aretha Franklin looked down in disgust, but they didn't do anything else than that.
Eventually, someone bought the Ring, much to Frodo's horror. "Oh no," Frodo gasped, "he bought the Ring!"
"I can see that," Aretha Franklin said. "Here he goes now. He's putting the Ring on his finger... I'll bet he's going to Bahamas now, because that's where its master is. We should follow him."
"No, wait," Frodo said. "I want to have a word with that stupid orc first. You wait up here." He jumped down and somehow managed to defy the laws of nature by not getting hurt. "Hello, you stupid orc. You and I have something to discuss."
"Eek!" the orc let out. "What are you going to do with me?"
"Probably nothing," Frodo said. "I can't be too violent, because then this censor lady will come to get me. But I need your information right now. Anything on the Ring will help."
"Well, I know that, uh," the orc said and then paused. "It's on its way back to Bahamas, if it's not already there."
"Why did you sell the Ring so quickly?" Frodo asked. "If you had waited longer, you would have been given a lot more money than that."
"Oh, you don't know half of it," the orc said and smiled a wicked smile.
"I don't know what else to say, so goodbye then," Frodo said and jumped back up on the roof, again defying the laws of nature. "Let's go back to Bahamas," he said to Aretha Franklin.
"Good idea," Aretha Franklin said and took Frodo back to Bahamas.
On the same beach as before, Sauron and Saruman were still dancing. This time, however, another strange creature had joined them. A human. The guy who bought the Ring, that was.
"There he is," Frodo said and pointed.
"I know," Aretha Franklin replied, "the author just wrote that."
"Oh."
They ran down to the man with the Ring (Sauron and Saruman were too much into their dance to feel the presence of the Ring) and started punching him everywhere. "Ow!" he yelled. "Why are you punching me?"
"Because you have the Ring!" Frodo yelled back.
"And we like to kick ass!" Aretha Franklin added.
"Yeah!"
The guy with the Ring looked confused. "I thought this was only an ordinary ring, but all of a sudden it sent me here! How weird is that?"
"Weird," Frodo said. "You have to give the Ring to me."
"No way!" the guy yelled. "The Ring is mine! I bought it!"
"You cannot buy the Ring!" Aretha Franklin roared. "The Ring cannot be controlled, you foolish fool!"
"Alright," the guy said desperately, "I'll give you the Ring if you can answer one question."
"What is that?" Frodo asked.
"How did you guess?" the guy asked back.
"What?" Frodo asked.
"The question I want you to answer is, 'What is that?'," the guy answered matter-of-factly.
"Oh. Well, what is the answer then?"
"I can't tell you that. It's classified."
"Well, I gave you the question, so now you're going to have to give me the answer."
"Alright," the guy said. "It's a spoon. Now you ruined the whole fun."
"Give me my Ring," Frodo demanded.
"Okay," the guy said. "Here it is."
"Hoo-ray!"
---
So Frodo was very merry now that he had the Ring again, and Merry was very frodo at the same time, so it all made sense, hahaha. But all of a sudden, Gandalf called Frodo on his mobile phone and said, "Frodo, you must get back to New York as quickly as possible! Terrible things are happening, and it does involve the Ring!"
"But I have the R-"
"Shut up and get your ass to New York!"
"Okay."
---
What has happened in New York?
Will Frodo get there in time?
Will Frodo bring the solution to an end?
Will Frodo eat three hamburgers and don't think twice about it?
If so, will it collapse?
Why am I writing this nonsense?
You'll get your answers in the THIRD CHAPTER!
Part II.
Frodo was shocked. The Ring was somewhere in the U.S.A., and he was on Bahamas while Gandalf and the rest of the Fellowship remained in Middle Earth. Frodo would do anything to get back to Gandalf, because he couldn't solve this by himself... no, he couldn't...
But then again, if he went back to Gandalf, the old wizard would probably get angry at him for losing such a precious thing. Oh brother, what was a hobbit to do at times like these?
It didn't take long until the answer came. A flying turtle landed next to Frodo and said, "Hi, Frodo! You don't look very happy to me. What's the problem?"
"Nothing," Frodo said. "I just lost the Ring, that's all."
"Oh dear," the turtle said. "Well, my name is Aretha Franklin - not to be confused with Aretha Franklin - and I am a flying turtle, as you can see. Oh, and although my name makes it seem like I'm a female turtle, I am in fact a male turtle. Would you believe that?"
"Oh, sure I believe it," Frodo said and sighed. "I can see it with my own eyes. That's very nice."
"I can fly you to wherever the Ring has gone," Aretha Franklin said with a smile.
"Can you? Really?"
"Yup."
"Would you?"
"Yes," the turtle said and prepared for takeoff. "Come, have a seat on my shell."
"But what if I fall off?" Frodo wondered. "Won't that hurt?"
"A bit, but you'll get used to it," the turtle said.
Frodo screamed in terror.
"No, I'm just kidding," the turtle said.
Frodo sighed in relief.
"You won't get used to it!"
Frodo screamed in terror.
"You won't get used to it, because it won't happen," the turtle finally added.
Frodo sighed in relief and seated himself upon the turtle's shell. Then they flew to New York, where the orc had gone.
---
The orc fondled the Ring while he turned the corner and arrived at Times Square. Then he saw a couple of sleazy-looking pr...
Suddenly, a creature jumped out in front of him. "Stop that!" the creature screamed. "I am here on behalf of the Middle Earth's Company of Censorship, and I--"
"Yeah, I read about you in the first part of this fic," the orc said. "So what do you want?"
"This fic's rating is too low for it to contain... well, you know what. It's Times Square we're talking about. So pretend that you're not seeing any you-know-whats, okay? Or else I'll use my Magic Censor Wand to screw this fic up. I am eeevil!"
"Okay," the orc said. "I will pretend."
"Well, alright," the censor lady said, "but I'll be keeping an eye on you." With those words, she disappeared.
So, anyway, when the orc was walking through Times Square, he saw some sleazy looking pretzels who were glaring at him in a strange way. All of a sudden, one of the pretzels came up to him and said, "Looking for a good time?"
"Um, yes," the orc said.
"Terrific," the pretzel said. "Alright, what do you like? Do you like deep th--"
"GROAR!" the roaring voice of the Censor Lady echoed through New York. "NO BAD LANGUAGE!" it roared.
"Okay," the pretzel said. "Do you like, uh... how do I say this without the use of bad language? Well, it's like when Bush choked on a pretzel, but the other way around..."
"DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK, THAT'S ALL I'M TELLING YA!" the Censor Lady roared again, and it was a wonder that she could scream so loud. "ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN!"
"Alright, I'm sorry," the pretzel said. "Wanna join me for a game of Monopoly?"
"No, I've got other things to do," the orc said. "Maybe some other time."
"Okay," the pretzel said. "Goodbye, then."
"Bye."
---
The orc continued down Times Square, left it, and went through various streets until he came to his apartment. Yes, he actually had an apartment in New York. I won't explain how he got it, but I need it to get the story going.
In there, he made some plans, but we won't go into them yet. Instead, we'll return to Frodo and Aretha Franklin, the Flying Turtle, in just a minute.
---
Frodo was... Oh, wait.
I *said* a minute! That is much less than a minute, don't you think? Well, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to wait.
---
AFTER ABOUT A MINUTE:
Frodo was sitting on Aretha Franklin's back, and he wondered where the Ring had gone. He was desperate to find it.
"Don't worry," Aretha Franklin said, "we'll find your Ring."
"Yeah, I know," Frodo said. "I know. But it's gonna be tough."
"Yup," Aretha Franklin said. "In fact, it's pretty late now. We should find some place to sleep. The orc is probably hiding somewhere anyway. I figure he'll wait until tomorrow to put his plans into action."
"Are you sure?" Frodo asked.
"That's what I would have done if I was an orc in possession of THE Ring."
"Where shall we sleep?"
Aretha Franklin scratched his hair, even though he had none. "Hm," he said. "That roof looks unoccupied."
"Yeah, but it's cold outside," Frodo whined. "I want to go home to mommy and daddy."
"That's ridiculous," Aretha Franklin whispered. "Now go to sleep."
"No force on this Earth can make me sleep on that roof."
"Come on. Please?"
"Okay."
---
The next morning, they woke up to the sound of an orc yelling, "The Ring is for sale! Yes, THE Ring that even old Sauron couldn't lay his dirty paws on, is now available for any customer with some serious cash in his wallet! Come and get it! Ever dreamed of becoming invisible whenever you want to? Well, here's your chance!"
"So that's what he's been planning," Frodo said. "He's going to make profit from one of the most, if not in fact THE most terrible thing ever to be created. What a silly orc."
"Yeah, but you gotta admire his talent as a salesman," Aretha Franklin said and put his hands to his sides. "Look at him. People pulling out their wallets are already gathering around him. Hey, look! A yellow, dancing rhinoceros is on that roof over there!"
"Yeah, cool!" Frodo burst out. "I'm gonna check it out for a while! The heck with the Ring!"
"Yeah, totally!" Aretha Franklin agreed.
The rhinoceros was merry today, for it had caught a glimpse of what he thought was Tom Hanks at the mall the day before yesterday. Ever since then, he had been on the New York City roofs, dancing a sexy dance for everyone who happened to be on one of those roofs. "Oh look at him," Frodo said. "It's the rhinoceros. He's so hot."
"Just don't let it get out of hand," Aretha Franklin warned. "Or else we'll have that censor lady with us in a few seconds."
"Alright, I won't," Frodo said. "But you still gotta admire his moves, bro'."
"Yeah, look at that," Aretha Franklin commented. "The way he moves his hips... he's a rhinoceros-dancing genius, if you ask me."
"Yup," Frodo agreed. "Such things could only happen in New York... but what now? Where is he? He's gone! Damn!"
"Oh, that reminds me," Aretha Franklin said. "We must get back to watching the orc.
"Yeah, you were talking about his talent as a salesman, right?"
"Right."
"Well," Frodo said matter-of-factly, "it's no wonder he's doing so good, you know, with the incredible attractiveness of the Ring and all that. Everyone's gonna want one for Christmas - thank heavens there's only one."
"My grandpa used to have a saying," Aretha Franklin said. "'One is three too much.'"
"Oh, that is so clever," Frodo said in awe of Aretha Franklin's grandpa.
"Thank you," Aretha Franklin said, "but we really need to know what's going on with the orc."
"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea," Frodo agreed. And so they went back and leaned over the edge of the building. Right below them was the orc, and surrounding him was a huge crowd of people waving their dollar bills in the air, all of them eager to own the Ring for themselves. Frodo and Aretha Franklin looked down in disgust, but they didn't do anything else than that.
Eventually, someone bought the Ring, much to Frodo's horror. "Oh no," Frodo gasped, "he bought the Ring!"
"I can see that," Aretha Franklin said. "Here he goes now. He's putting the Ring on his finger... I'll bet he's going to Bahamas now, because that's where its master is. We should follow him."
"No, wait," Frodo said. "I want to have a word with that stupid orc first. You wait up here." He jumped down and somehow managed to defy the laws of nature by not getting hurt. "Hello, you stupid orc. You and I have something to discuss."
"Eek!" the orc let out. "What are you going to do with me?"
"Probably nothing," Frodo said. "I can't be too violent, because then this censor lady will come to get me. But I need your information right now. Anything on the Ring will help."
"Well, I know that, uh," the orc said and then paused. "It's on its way back to Bahamas, if it's not already there."
"Why did you sell the Ring so quickly?" Frodo asked. "If you had waited longer, you would have been given a lot more money than that."
"Oh, you don't know half of it," the orc said and smiled a wicked smile.
"I don't know what else to say, so goodbye then," Frodo said and jumped back up on the roof, again defying the laws of nature. "Let's go back to Bahamas," he said to Aretha Franklin.
"Good idea," Aretha Franklin said and took Frodo back to Bahamas.
On the same beach as before, Sauron and Saruman were still dancing. This time, however, another strange creature had joined them. A human. The guy who bought the Ring, that was.
"There he is," Frodo said and pointed.
"I know," Aretha Franklin replied, "the author just wrote that."
"Oh."
They ran down to the man with the Ring (Sauron and Saruman were too much into their dance to feel the presence of the Ring) and started punching him everywhere. "Ow!" he yelled. "Why are you punching me?"
"Because you have the Ring!" Frodo yelled back.
"And we like to kick ass!" Aretha Franklin added.
"Yeah!"
The guy with the Ring looked confused. "I thought this was only an ordinary ring, but all of a sudden it sent me here! How weird is that?"
"Weird," Frodo said. "You have to give the Ring to me."
"No way!" the guy yelled. "The Ring is mine! I bought it!"
"You cannot buy the Ring!" Aretha Franklin roared. "The Ring cannot be controlled, you foolish fool!"
"Alright," the guy said desperately, "I'll give you the Ring if you can answer one question."
"What is that?" Frodo asked.
"How did you guess?" the guy asked back.
"What?" Frodo asked.
"The question I want you to answer is, 'What is that?'," the guy answered matter-of-factly.
"Oh. Well, what is the answer then?"
"I can't tell you that. It's classified."
"Well, I gave you the question, so now you're going to have to give me the answer."
"Alright," the guy said. "It's a spoon. Now you ruined the whole fun."
"Give me my Ring," Frodo demanded.
"Okay," the guy said. "Here it is."
"Hoo-ray!"
---
So Frodo was very merry now that he had the Ring again, and Merry was very frodo at the same time, so it all made sense, hahaha. But all of a sudden, Gandalf called Frodo on his mobile phone and said, "Frodo, you must get back to New York as quickly as possible! Terrible things are happening, and it does involve the Ring!"
"But I have the R-"
"Shut up and get your ass to New York!"
"Okay."
---
What has happened in New York?
Will Frodo get there in time?
Will Frodo bring the solution to an end?
Will Frodo eat three hamburgers and don't think twice about it?
If so, will it collapse?
Why am I writing this nonsense?
You'll get your answers in the THIRD CHAPTER!